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Friday, 30 September 2011

Simone de Beauvoir must be rolling in her grave

My aunt is great at what she does, and she does finances, so she was asked to talk at a meeting hosted by some foundation for women. She invited me to come along. That was today. We can start with the fact that I had to dress up, argue with my mum for it, and wear heels and carry a purse. They weren't very high heels, so I didn't look like a giraffe. I looked a bit like a llama, maybe.

I had to wake up early, get ready, and go to the office with my dad, where my aunt would pick me up. We arrive and there are quite a few women there already. They were dressed up to the best of their abilities and budgets (which proved me I was right about what I'd chosen to wear), same can be said of their make up. This woman in her 50s greeted my aunt and they started chitchatting with some other woman in her 60s. I made a stupid remark when I was asked about my studies mentioning finances weren't, per se, a science. Not like maths or physics are sciences, anyway. Yeah, keep that in mind.

The woman who greeted my aunt first, the one organising the event, was getting the whole thing together with a psychologist. She started off by thanking us all for being there, quickly briefed us on the history of the foundation, and criticized the law project trying to penalize abortions again. I could swear I heard some of the women there cringing. The organiser lady won major points with that (don't worry, she lost them a while later).

The whole point of the get-together was to listen to the experiences of powerful women in high paying, kick-ass jobs in finances and see what we could learn from them. We started off with some statistics (which didn't have an ample enough sample size, and had not been normalized, big mistakes). In a nutshell, while it may seem that there are about as many women as men working in finances, it turns out the high paying jobs are mostly men's and even then it's likely enough a woman in a similar position won't be paid as handsomely. Same old, I suppose. So some suggestions were made on why this happens and how it can be helped and that was that. Then the lectures began.

I couldn't help but be astonished by the fact that one of these ladies didn't have a proper education when she first started working and another one had studied psychology (of all things, for finances). While I appreciate their tenacity getting to the positions they were in, I couldn't help but judge them and be a little ashamed of the fact that out of the few women in higher positions, it seemed very few were actually properly educated for the job. When my aunt's turn came, I figured she'd kick everyone else's ass, with her actually having proper diplomas and the like, but she turned it into a heartwarming (I'll give her that, I'm not trying to be sarcastic here) story of hope working the whole kidnap thing out. I was just hoping for something else entirely, is all.

It's worth pointing out that the husbands were "independent," willing to do their share of the housework, or scandinavian. Really. The psychologist made a point of relating every fucking thing to the way we're structured around patriarchal societies. She had maybe one good point out of all her interventions and I've managed to completely forget what it was.

Then another lecturer said something about how her morals didn't allow her to host company parties with prostitutes and how, when she was about to quit they promoted her (presumably to keep her quiet) and she took the job. While her point was valid, that you must stand by your principles no matter what, I hardly think that's what she did and I'm having trouble standing up for women who believe in slut shaming. I was disappointed to find that sexuality is sort of frowned upon in that group and that only the unattractive, matronly, non-sexual women make it to the top.

The irony of the fact that we were celebrating women in a room dedicated to a man (Simón Bolivar) was not lost on me. The fact that they were talking about equality and praised laws that forced universities to take a 50:50 women:men ratio of students for higher education where women got chosen for nothing other than just being women... Where do I even start? The organiser tried telling me I should be applying to Harvard, that they'd love to have me, that of course they'll have me, that what my professor kindly advised was complete bollocks. She said that I'd definitely score a spot and that once I did not to worry one bit about the money, that it would magically pour down on me from every single place imaginable and that the one young man she knew in an Ivy League school was an example: he had to borrow money from all sorts of places, got there, got a job (which, granted, wasn't easy) and next thing you know his tuition's free and he's paying back all the money he borrowed. I'm calling bollocks on her story, if no one minds.

My aunt was particularly interested in the networking aspect of this thing, seeing how the organiser was so ridiculously well-connected. Again, ironic they should tell women to move on by their own merits and yet clear the way so they never have to do one thing the long way: women with power should help other women (bullshit, women with power should be objective about who they hire and always hire the best, same as men with power). Nevertheless, I reckon I'm too nice to say no, and I just might find it useful to get well-connected, however much of a pain that may be. So I'll just suck it up and be a woman.

Damn it.

Oh! And I almost forgot! I really should have taken note of all this... well, the psychologist woman hosting the event? At some point she compared motherhood to being kidnapped. No kidding. She said that it's unfair women should lose their jobs when they take their maternity leave and that they shouldn't be banned from job offers asking for recent working experience, so she brought up the subject of men in the military who are kidnapped and get better titles when they're released.

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Now I'll have to make a stop in Paris

You know, whenever I get around to visiting Europe. I just got back from watching "Midnight in Paris" with CtThumbe. It was surprisingly good. I sort of had a bias against Woody Allen because I hadn't liked the 3 or so films of his I'd already seen (can't even seem to remember them now), but I must say I was very pleasantly surprised. I also was a bit surprised by Owen Wilson, but I'll leave that as a side note after I'm done with the actual film review.

First, there's the apparently cliché story of a guy who falls in love with Paris. *Yawn* right? Except there's a twist to it. It's not just a lame writer pretending he can make himself better because he's in Paris, it's not an amateur thinking he can follow on the steps of the great. There's the side stories about the women in his life which was, after all, quite cliché, but I'll forgive it for now. There was some Harry Potter magic in it, you know? Don't quote me on this one, but I seem to remember J. K. Rowling having mentioned once that the wonderful thing about the Harry Potter universe was precisely that it all seemed so familiar, and she'd just made minor modifications to everyday life (like finding out a routine trip to the train station could somehow lead to Hogwarts). Well, there's something of that in "Midnight in Paris."

There he is, in love with what he thinks is a beautiful time and a beautiful city, stuck with a boring (not to say other things) fiancée and her republican parents (really?). Obvious conclusion, he'll have to leave them, of course. However, it's all in how he comes to this conclusion. Somehow, wandering the streets of Paris half-drunk made him travel through time so he could live the life he dreamed of, so he could meet the men he admired. And really, back in the day it was easy to say you knew all the big shots because there weren't so very many of them, and they gathered in about the same places. Not to mention they always seem better in perspective, once a few decades have gone by. So there's that. But there's also how he comes to this realisation, especially when Adriana speaks of the belle époque, that we all have a fantasy about a place we think is better than it actually was to those in it.

I'm not a huge fan of Marion Cotillard, with her characters always being so similar. She's the amazing seductress who inspires men and becomes their muse. And then she's selfish and runs off and leaves them or gets stuck as a wallpaper. Bleh. I'm afraid this film was no different. She's wonderful, I'm sure, but I haven't seen her play different roles. In this particular case, Adriana helped Gil reach his biggest conclusion yet: that thing about the times and fantasies and utopias I mentioned a while ago. The other male characters just help him build character. Like Hemingway, because he was such a manly man and all. I don't know... May I just say, the bit where he found her old diary was just lame. It was a bit too "Lake house" for me. Even if it was funny to see him stealing his wife's earrings to try and get laid (which was admittedly also a bit lame).

I uh... couldn't help but make a tiny side reading here. You know, with Gil being blond and all, I couldn't help but remember SmTn. I'd rather not go into too much detail. Suffice it, for now, to say I wanted to kiss him a bit more badly than I ever had before, and I sort of realised he may not end up with his current gf, but he won't end up with me either. Which is quite disheartening, really. No more about that, though.

Land of pirates

I had an odd dream last night. One where I was a fugitive in a land of pirates. There were buses that sailed the seas half submerged, and there were such things as water bridges between seas. Someone remarked there were less bridges than there were seas. For some reason, the particular bridge I remember had darker blue water, sweet (not salty), and there was a small 1m fall to the sea we were trying to get to. Also in this dream, shop owners helped me stay undercover, and ninja pigs (female pigs) were after me. I was a man in this dream, I think.

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Why are we even having this conversation?

For the love of...

So, I finish watching tonight's episode of glee. Since A is abroad, she got to watch it a full hour in advance. Not that it matters much, except when I was done we briefly discussed the episode. Which was kind of a let down, except for Blaine and Kurt and unicorns, as long as they don't make Blaine and Kurt start a fight over something so stupid. Anyway... back to A. She said something about her addiction to watching TV shows (and I do believe it's as much of an addiction as mine for watching youtube videos is an addiction...). She then followed wishing for a job that paid for watching television, and I replied that the people who write recaps for big websites would fit the part. She said that the people who write the subtitles for the shows put up in pirate websites would fit the part. I disagreed.

I'm quite sure that sort of thing is done for free by volunteers, and corrected by volunteers. She argues everything revolves around the money now and nothing's for free. I disagreed again, putting up Wikipedia as an example of something mostly built by people who earn nothing for it. She kept up the argument. I got tired. This gets too old too quickly, you know? I hate it when she has to argue trying to prove herself right even with stupid (often with increasingly stupider) arguments just to try and make herself superior or something. What. a. pain. If she could just point me at "here, this company gets paid for it, so there" I could agree she's right and let it go. But she's trying to tell me that just because the subtitles are made by "some website" they must have been paid for. Well, it sort of goes against the concept of online communities and everything they'll do for free, not to mention all kinds of online gurus willing to help people out for free. The little shots on youtube? Not making a lot of money out of their videos. Why even the girl from hyperbole and a half went hungry and cold. Anyhow... I hate arguing with A. It always seems so pointless. Discussions with EBF and LesMisGuy are so much more fun, you know?

Perspective, sort of

Not 100% the same situation, I know. A girl asks for advice: a guy who was nice to her is suddenly not so nice since she started talking to some other guy. Answer? He's a jealous jerk. Now, I won't go so far as thinking LesMisGuy is somehow a jerk (not to me, anyway, I do reckon he has it in him, which is totally cool). I can't even acknowledge the fact that he might somehow feel jealous, I mean, what the fuck would he be jealous of? But it's still a tiny bit dodgy.

I dream about Chaplin

I had this dream last night... I was in a mall somewhere with my sister, and I can't remember what we were looking for but we came across a floor with very high ceilings. We turned a corner and found people in formal attire, 200-year-old looking golden chairs with olive green cushioning, huge dining tables, and a half-lit room with more dining tables and projections of Charlie Chaplin movies on the walls. So peculiar...

Monday, 26 September 2011

Back to freudian, kind of depressing

I had two dreams last night I'd like to keep track of. In one, my mum got home from running errands and had my little one, smelling like she'd just come from being groomed at the vet's. I had a hard time figuring out it had been forever since I'd last seen her, how much I missed her, and then realised she's gone and almost started crying mid-dream only to wake up feeling miserable. In another dream I was at some maths/physics seminar/school where CtThumbe (more on that in a bit), L3 and LesMisGuy were. The details are a bit hazy now, but at one point we sat on chairs in a circle and I remember LesMisGuy sitting a few chairs away from me. I remember trying to be close to him, touching his knees with mine and at even "casually" (NOT) putting my hand on his knee. Not sure about anything else that happened. I should probably point out that these came one after the other, in the order I told them. That's very likely not entirely by chance. I hadn't needed a hug quite as badly as I did this morning when I woke up for a long time.

I can sort of explain the CtThumbe bit of it, as she wrote last night asking if I'd like to go out with her and L3 some time, which would, in fact be nice.

Sunday, 25 September 2011

Royal mess right now

I was watching Family Guy episodes, and out of nowhere I switched over to Secret Diaries of a London Call Girl. And then I watched the whole thing, all 32 episodes, nonstop. Turns out:not healthy. I can't even say I empathise with the girl on the screen, and yet such an overwhelming sense of solitude took over me, and I don't even know what to do about it, you know? I haven't slept all night and you can bet I'll have such horribly puffy eyes by the time my parents wake me up, and I wish I could talk about it, but even though EBF's online, I can't. I wouldn't even know what to say... I can't tell him I watched a soap opera loosely (and I'm assuming they took a lot of liberties towards the last two seasons) based around the life of a call girl and it made me feel lonely. I don't suppose he could make much sense of that... Which brings me to my next point: if even EBF can't make sense of that, well, then, this solitude problem is one particularly fucked up problem of mine, isn't it? I don't want to mention SmTn and yet feel that I'd be negligent if I didn't at least say he's been on my mind a lot (not to say, pretty much all the fucking time) lately. This is not good, not good...

Saturday, 24 September 2011

One explanation

Remember a while back when I said I had a feeling that A had told me about her make out session and subsequent events with Ch just to one-up me? Keep them in mind, would you?

I was talking to A last night. She was planning to go out with the girl who goes out on one night stands. One thing led to another and she made a statement she'd made before: she's intimidated by people. This time, however, she elaborated on it. People, on a general level, scare the shit out of her, which is why she won't approach people. That's enough trouble as it were, but it's compounded by the fact that she's obsessed with power. She elaborated on this too: she aims all her actions towards being empowered. Somehow, this bit where she's empowered has something to do with being independent and superior or something like that. It explains a few things, like, for instance, why she wouldn't heed my sane advice about the iPod, why she felt so great smoking and drinking beer, and why she thinks she's too good to talk to people she deems stupid (even though it was her stupid room mate who had to hep her out doing the laundry).

Now, I'm not that much better than her, but I do believe I'm quite a bit more sociable than she is. Which may be why she comes to me for advice. But honestly, there's only so much I can do. I'm not a licensed psychiatrist or psychologist and she needs one. She needs therapy. Seriously. And I can't tell her, because she's got her head so far up her own ass she'll try to prove me wrong if I so much as hint at the idea. It will be a damn long 4-5 months for her unless she makes some changes... Actually, there's a very good chance that she'll do something beyond stupid in that time. I really can't be telling her about SmTn. I'll mention, if she asks, that we talk, and that will have to be it.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

It occurs to me now

I don't think LesMisGuy and I have done so much as said hi in weeks. It feels a little bizarre, to be honest. On the one hand I'm sorry, because he's a great guy and what not. On the other, I'm still not taking rejection well, I'm just handling it differently. Instead of wondering what's so wrong with me, I wonder what's wrong with him that he can't like me. Still no good, I know. I'm wondering if I should try asking him out but I worry that it just might be wildly inappropriate if he's avoiding me on purpose. You know what's really freaky weird, though? I can tell when he's behind the classroom door before he even turns the knob to open it.

Soundtrack... need I say it? Oh yes, "It's not unusual." Darren Criss is amazeballs.

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Maths are sexy

You, like, have no idea. They're incredibly sexy when SmTn brings them up, anyway. Also sexy? Darren Criss singing "It's Not Unusual." Kinda sexy, and wicked cool? Yelle is coming. I'll do what I can to score a ticket.

I was too tired last night

And, to be honest, it wasn't that important to get this down anywhere. I just want to keep record anyway.

So, I had a dream last night that I got SmTn's postcard. It wasn't in very good shape, as it had been folded and crammed somewhere, but I felt so happy to finally get it, you know? I've been asking neighbouring doormen. No news of the real one. Damn...

On other news, an odd thing happened yesterday. As I stopped for gum before going to have lunch and get a last chance to study for the differential geometry exam, LesMisGuy was walking by. It was so that when I turned the corner I found myself a few steps behind him. I could swear he was slowing down. In retrospect, he might've seen me coming and decided to slow down so I'd catch up to him. However, we didn't make eye contact and I instead felt like I was stalking him and made sure not to catch up with him. I was hoping he'd make a turn left to enter the building I was going to, but he just walked straight ahead instead. Then we didn't even say hi. That was it. Lately I just don't know what to make of anything with him. This particular time reminded me a bit too much of D for comfort. For a few seconds there I was enthralled by his nearby scent, in something of a hormone rage wanting to run over and kiss him. Then for a few minutes I pondered on whether or not he intended me to know he wanted me to catch up, which is a lot like the shit D expected me to magically know. It occurred to me I'm good enough reading people that I could know, but I simply never do with them. Sucks.

Monday, 19 September 2011

Aaand I can't tell either of them

I had a somewhat unexpected encounter today on my way to university. I ran into Ch. You (don't) know, the guy who showed A his penis, Ch. He said hi, I went over to say hi, and we talked during our trip. Two things:

1) I couldn't keep myself from thinking, every so often, that he's the guy who showed A his penis. I can't tell A because she's trying to ask for advice on how to take her birth control pills. It made me wonder if she couldn't perchance be pregnant from her last (and only) encounter with a penis, but it would've been a snarky remark and rather insensitive what with her having very low chances of conceiving and all.

2) Ch said he doesn't know much about EBF. I mentioned he's still away and still has a girlfriend, N2 (you wouldn't know but I almost hesitated and wrote "gf" right there...) Ch said he knows a girl who's in class with him, who used to have a bf. Except he left her to be with N2. Last semester. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know for sure, but I understand N2 and EBF have been together all this time, though last semester (if the new restrictions mean anything) they (I assume it's a two way street) had a lot of permissions. I just don't know if I should bring it up. I don't know if EBF would want to know. He's not the jealous type, that's not it... It's more a matter of where does N2 come from asking him to be good if she was hooking up with a guy who broke up with his gf for her? Then again it might be her way of committing. I don't know her. I won't jump to conclusions.

All I know is I know these two things and I can't really tell them to the only people I could tell them to.

Sunday, 18 September 2011

How distracting!

I'd tell EBF but he's not around, and I can't tell A (I already fucked up telling her how sweet SmTn is and showing her his last e-mail... she actually got a little snarky). Last weekend (?) when we chatted SmTn sent me a picture he took when he went fishing. It's just a picture of him holding a fish he caught, the biggest one got away but he got that one. Not that it matters for this post in particular. What matters is that once I was done seeing his handsome smiling face and noticing it was a fairly big fish, a bulge jumped at me from his crotch. If I had to guess I'd have to say everything must be proportional and goodness!! I've been thinking about it for no good reason for the last few hours and I can't get the thought out of my mind now. So distracting...

Oh! I forgot to mention in the brief catch-up. Apparently, EBF and I are pals (sort of) again. He even made some remark saying he missed my cooking. It made me raise my eyebrows, flip him off with both hands and answer with a "you know you're always welcome." It was... weird.

[two hours later]
Still thinking about SmTn. Too much and too often to be able to focus on doing anything useful. This really is very counterproductive... I "hate" how he manages to describe things so well in so few words: he said when he was distracted from working on maths he closed his eyes, thought of his trip here and thought about me, and my Snape-ish pictures and smiled. How sweet is he? I wonder if he thinks about me often. I wonder to what extent he hopes to keep me as a real part of his future. Goodness knows I can't wait until I can save up enough money to go see him and make him a tangible part of mine. I'm afraid that could take years, though. I wonder what he plans, if anything at all. I wonder if things would work out. I wonder what it's like to kiss him. I wonder so many things...

A short break from the old thesis

I should've been able to work more on the old thesis, but it is what it is. I'll see if I can type up what ThPr wrote down for me sometime tonight. Right now I need a break because a thought has been in my head for quite some time now and it refuses to go, or at least wait patiently in the back of my head while I work. For some reason unknown to me, I want to be with SmTn quite badly today. All I can think of is lying next to him, his arms wrapped around me, my head on his chest. It's all I want right now.

Friday, 16 September 2011

It's love and friendship day/weekend/thing, you fool!

So, that's my excuse for not calling LesMisGuy. If he's got a gf I can be pretty sure he'll be with her this weekend. Or, you know, his actual friends. Whatevs... I'll just wait a while longer.

I sent SmTn an e-mail. Couldn't help myself.
[next day edit]
He wrote back this morning. How does he manage to not spontaneously turn into a huge pile of sugar?

And I had a dream last night. I forgot to write about it earlier, which accounts for why I only remember one tiny fraction of it. In my dream my cousin (the one getting into fights with pretty much everyone else) had a dog and we took care of him for a while. He was a medium sized dog, short hair, black with a bit of brown patches, long-ish ears. He was so sweet... He slept on a bed with me and just the feeling of a warm weight next to me felt wonderful. Later in my dream something was said implying we could keep him and I was quite happy to hear it.

On other news, it would seem my uncle will be all right. No complications.

On other other news, AOB called around noon asking if I was around campus (I wasn't). I felt a tiny bit iffy. Something about the way he said he'd have to tell me in person about why he's not having classes for a few weeks. I don't know. Damned gut feelings.

Thursday, 15 September 2011

Let's catch up a bit, shall we?

Not an awful lot to catch up to, mind you.

On the LesMisGuy front... he showed up for class today. No greeting. He left during the break. I don't know if I mentioned it here before. I talked about it with EBF and he had a few things to say: maybe this thing with LesMisGuy is backpedalling because I'm no longer pushing it. Also, he mentioned how both of us being nerds really doesn't help matters. He agreed it's good I don't fret about it so much. I won't say I couldn't care less. For what it's worth, I still think it could be lovely, or at the very least lots of fun. And though I'm not very fond of seeing it that way, I almost want to say LesMisGuy would be a fool to pass up on a chance to hook up with me. No, I'm not all that, I don't think so, anyway. And yes, he probably has more (and better) options. But, if numerous accounts are to be trusted, quite a few people would jump at the chance to hook up with me and suddenly it seems LesMisGuy would be a bit of a fool not to take advantage of the fact that he alone has real chances of seeing it happen. I said I didn't like to see it that way. EBF and I sort of came to the agreement that I could probably use some human contact, and I could try pushing things to make that happen. To that effect I might, maybe, consider asking him out tomorrow. I'd think better of him if he took the initiative, though.

Which inevitably brings me to SmTn. He did send the postcard after all. It doesn't look like I'll be getting it and the doormen both said nothing has arrived for me. I hope I do get to read his postcard, though I believe it's a bit too late for such things and it must've gotten lost. Damned postal service. You'd think it's the one thing that could be cheaper and better with newer technologies, but it only becomes crappier and more obsolete... Anyway, back to SmTn. The thing about him is that he actually tries to make me like him. I already do. I don't need any more information: I already think he's one of the sweetest men alive. I already believe he's wonderful. And yet he often wonders if he's not boring me (he's not) or if he's not making lame jokes (he is, but really it's fine as I make lame jokes too... I just don't get his on time). He almost seems insecure. He probably is insecure. I just can't get my head around it. A tiny part of me wonders if his gf is such a monumental bitch. All of me wants to tell him every time just how wonderful he is, in detail. I have to bite my tongue, though. It's in the realm of inappropriate remarks and if I steer it towards "your gf is one very lucky woman" I will have kicked myself to the friend zone. Either way, by comparison to LesMisGuy, SmTn actually tries hard to woo me. He wakes up early to talk to me. He helps me out with homework. He worries about the impressions I'll get of him. He tries hard to be funny and interesting, however unnecessary. LesMisGuy won't even turn around to say hi as he walks into class.

On other news, my uncle (with the heart problems) will have a procedure done tomorrow. My mum flew off to go be with my aunt, who will be a bundle of nerves and tears, and for moral support for my uncle, who could probably use it. I have a horrible hunch that things will go very badly. I don't want them to, I'm quite fond of him with his funny stories, lovely sense of humour and the fact that he's the only one who, like me, appreciates the old things my grandmother kept around the house. For what it's worth, bless him. May everything go well tomorrow.

In actual news, there's quite some turmoil. It comes as no surprise to anyone that with all the money being stolen there's none left to make things run properly. They're thinking of pushing the retirement age and pretending poor people aren't poor by technicalities. Not necessarily because he's got socialist influences, but because he's a reasonable man, our vice president came out saying it's not right. Too true. They're only pushing back the retirement age so they don't have to pay people money that's already been spent, even though every penny was theirs to spend. They could make ends meet if only they'd get some of the stolen money back, or would stop stealing so much. Same goes for the stupid index to measure poverty. The thing is, the president of Congress came up saying he thinks that the money "no-longer-poor" people make is plenty to feed their families, and even more he's actually complaining about the way earning 80 times that much isn't enough to fill two cars with gas and drive around town, which is why they'll keep giving congressmen gas subsidies. If he were on the internet no one would hesitate to call him a troll. It's funny we're actually preferring the idiot who had his spot a while ago. He may be an idiot, but goodness! does he sound sane by comparison. It's made me wonder if it wasn't the president's idea all along: wait for the conservatives to make fools of themselves while our expresident's friends keep finding themselves in trouble so that when he comes in with the liberals it will come as a very welcome alternative. He can probably push risky projects and get them to pull through if it works. I'll have to grant him points for being such a cunning politician. We'll have to see about that, though.

So much for news. Might I just add that cooking with chefs was wonderful and I now have a recipe for a killer dark chocolate and passion fruit mousse.


SmTn was online again last night (early morning, his time). I was just so happy and beaming. You know I'd sort of thought he hadn't sent the postcard except he asked yesterday if I'd received it. I'll have to ask around for it. I had a dream where my mum had thrown it away and I got so mad at her. I also had a dream where I was at my uncle's to cook for my aunt's birthday and my cousin arrived as a surprise with her husband. Mgrt was there and was pregnant. My sister chatted with Darren Criss and I got to talk to him. In another part of my dream I saw penguins. Lots and lots of penguins.

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Shreds of last night's dreams

I actually had dreams last night, which is an even in and of itself seeing how it's been a while now. I only remember two bits of them, though.

In one dream LesMisGuy called to ask me out but it was my aunt MT's birthday (which was a while ago already). While I suppose I could be glad that he asked me out, I was actually pretty annoyed by it. My attitude was more along the lines of "Really? You're calling now to ask me out?" and I'm actually wondering if I'd be that annoyed if he came around so late (whatever that late may be in the present real situation). May I point out before I move on, LesMisGuy didn't go to class yesterday.

Moving on, I had this very odd dream about a very deep pit. It was a square hole, at least 200m on each side and it went very deep. The first stages of the hole, from the surface, showed sculptures of beasts and demons made out of the rock near the surface. Then there were tens of stories of golden columns and Renaissance paintings as big as could be fit between the columns and about 2m. Lots and lots of paintings. They were all quite macabre, actually. I can't really remember what was at the bottom of the pit, but I believe I was there with others and we needed to get out.

Friday, 9 September 2011


So, um... our French classes are revolving about love, meeting people and falling in love instantly, and today we were assigned an exercise where we had to switch some of the lyrics to Carla Bruni's Raphaël so it would spell the name of someone else. I talked to the girl I met on my first day and when she asked if I had anyone she was surprised by the fact that I don't have a boyfriend and then seemed nice and curious about SmTn when I first mentioned him. She insisted on pictures and I told her I'd show her. When I did, though, she suddenly turned apathetic. Yeah...

Also? SmTn was online yesterday afternoon, so we talked a bit around noon and he said he had to go but he'd wake up early (his time) to talk to me last night (my time). And he did. I had to work on the exercises to be handed in today for group representations theory, and I intended to go without sleeping until I finished them. We talked a little, he was his lovely sweet self, and he even offered to help me with the exercises even though he doesn't quite remember his basic group theory and sort of frets at the thought of dihedral groups of symmetries. I explained very briefly (which proved me I know more than I reckon) and he said I was a good teacher. He's too sweet, I won't tire of saying that. He did manage to help me with an exercise that could be done in 5min but I hadn't been able to figure out in 20, trying to overcomplicate everything. It's just too awesome, you know? The fact that he does maths too and that he offers to help, and that I managed to stay awake and sane enough to (pretty much) finish the exercises... There were times when he was a bit too loving in his compliments ("you know, I wouldn't have woken up early for just anyone") and I had to pull myself to say "I like it, but I have to refrain from paying them back at risk of being inappropriate, and when I bite my tongue I end up making lame jokes, so I'll send smiles and you can make anything you will of them :) :) :)". I'm so lame.

You know, I couldn't help but imagine him as a father and he would be fan-fucking-tastic: so loving, so caring, smart, strong, a great role model. *sigh* I can't even blame the sleep deprivation on that one.

Oh, right! No word from LesMisGuy. I don't suppose we'll be going out this weekend. I'm calling it quits.

On another note, an English chef will be working to put together a family dinner at my uncle's place on Sunday and I've been asked if I'd like to come along, see what I can learn. Could be very nice.

Thursday, 8 September 2011

I shouldn't, but I sort of have to

So, I've only got 2 points done out of 8, and I sort of didn't count on wasting my morning tomorrow learning French. SmTn was online today around noon. He said he'd wake up early tomorrow so we could talk tonight. I had this idea, before we talked, while I was on the bus to university, where I could suddenly picture SmTn mad, even though I thought it was impossible because he seems so good natured. And then there's two things I'll point out from our brief conversation. The first being that he said he felt close to me. I know he was trying to be sweet but it was strange. The second being that we talked about languages and formal and informal you forms. He explained how it is in Russian and then wrote down the words. I said, half jokingly, I couldn't understand much with just the writing because the sounds made no sense to me, so it wouldn't do to discuss such things unless we could pull off a skype meeting. Suddenly he turns rude saying "to hell with languages" and has to apologise for his language. I made a joke saying I curse like a sailor under my breath at men who ogle, but now I'm suddenly worried. Is it a prejudice because I thought of him as being mad recently and before talking to him? Is it that he's broken, has a temper, and it took me this long to realise it? Is it that something's wrong and he's not telling me? Why would he go to meet a friend at 9pm on a Thursday night? Odd indeed...

On other news, LesMisGuy was again on the other side of the classroom, didn't say hi, and left during our break. I'm only half upset and not completely indifferent. If I'd come out from the conversation with SmTn feeling *yay* I could let go of it and be all "well, there's always SmTn, who incidentally can start conversations so I'm not always the one to say hello first." Except I feel a bit weird today. I'm not suddenly desperate for things to work out with LesMisGuy. I just wonder why we've suddenly switched to not talking at all. I suppose I do have to blame myself a bit for that, I haven't exactly been seeking him out. I don't want to be silly saying I'm always the one taking the initiative because I reckon he's the one who sat next to me during class and it's something I haven't tried, but at the time I still get this vibe of rejection and the recoil won't let me do much about it. Right. Back to work. Let's do this thing! I'll sleep tomorrow afternoon. I may have to pull an all-nighter.

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

MAN that felt good

So, I'm not really working, I've got half of a point (out of 8) done for the partial exam we have to hand in on Friday. I made a pause to check facebook and it occurred to me, for the first time in years (possibly), to look up D. I can see his wall posts, but not the ones made by others. Doesn't matter much, I saw enough. He made a fool of himself. He screwed up so badly he felt the need to apologise on facebook. I mean, really? It just felt so fucking great to see him being pathetic. Couple that with the fact that SmTn exists, and we've got ourselves enough to make me finish this first point I'm working on, hopefully. Back to work, then.

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Very well, then

So... Just got out of differential geometry class. I haven't bothered to find a name for him, the guy who's a bit like a dog who's nice and went to summer school? He sat next to me during class. Not LesMisGuy. He walked in, didn't say hi and took a seat at the other side of the classroom. So be it. But then this guy and I start to talk, you know, so that come the middle of the class and the break we get with it we're in a conversation. LesMisGuy actually considered saying hi and then didn't and turned and got out of the classroom. It's very A of me to say it, but I sort of have to: coward. He could've sat next to me. He could've been the one talking to me. He could've just said hi. That was so lame... Make your move, man. I'm being nice, to everyone. I even try not to be mean to the mole person who sat next to me during French class. He's a verifiable mole person not unlike the guy in Atlantis, except he's got curly blond hair. Oh! I almost forgot! I saw a guy exactly like Milo Thatcher, the guy from Atlantis, in the bus station yesterday. Round spectacles and the exact same face and haircut. He even had a travelling bag with him. It was fun...

To be fair, though, I'm probably lashing out because SmTn wrote. And is online now. Except he's absent and has been inactive for quite a while. I figure he fell asleep and just forgot to log off. He said he'd like to talk on messenger. That's a nice thought. He also tried to follow my silly analogy. I may have to come out and call it silly if all else fails. I want to talk to him, though, so I'll hold back on writing back for the time being. It's starting to become frustrating when I write so much and then he writes so little, you know?

So, um... while I'm not actually working, even though I know I really should, I wanted to point out two things. When LesMisGuy doesn't talk to me I wonder if I smell, look hideous or am in any other way repulsive. When SmTn talks to me I suddenly find myself looking pretty. I think that's all for now. I also probably shouldn't be so hard on LesMisGuy and go out of my way to greet him or something. Try that XXI century woman for a while longer. I'll be damned if he doesn't do so much as greet me, though. While he can't greet me SmTn's saying he thinks I'm sweet and calling me Belle. If that's how it is then LesMisGuy can either step up his game or forget about it. Call me oldschool, but I need to be wooed if only a little.

Monday, 5 September 2011


Aw... SmTn was online. And I would've seen him online, too, if I'd gotten back immediately after French class. But I had to stop by my aunt MT's shop and she wouldn't let me go right away. I only just got back. And he was online until a 30min ago or so. Damn it! He didn't even write an e-mail...


[9:27pm edit]
So... I'm driving myself mad here. I've gone through his e-mails and realized it's been almost a week already. It's been almost a week since he last wrote. I'm wondering if I shouldn't have left the e-mail about fishing for thoughts in my drafts folder. I'm wondering if he didn't actually mean I shouldn't write as much when he said he doesn't write as much as I do. But he said it shouldn't keep me from writing, didn't he? I even bit my tongue and left another e-mail with little other than a link to the YouTube caption fail skit, hoping to lighten the mood and balance out the corny. I even noticed he made a new facebook friend give or take 6 hours ago. He's been around computers. Why hasn't he written back? Why? And why am I obsessing so much about it? Why am I imagining all of these crazy scenarios? Why can't I stop thinking about him? All I can think about is being sleepy so I can wake up, hopefully to find he's written. I do declare it's not healthy...

Sunday, 4 September 2011

Try to rest with those

This is getting a little ridiculous. I dozed off for a bit just now and started having a dream about LesMisGuy. In my dream I was in the differential geometry class, took the seat left of the one I usually take, and he walked in and after thinking of it for a bit sat next to me. He greeted me, except for the part where he didn't, because he was on the phone with someone with the same name. I felt silly. He tried to take off his bag and couldn't because he was holding his phone so I helped him. I don't think we talked at all.

In another dream there was a game in the Olympics where there were lots of slanted trampolines on both sides of a pool, lengthwise. The pool was immense. Women stood on the trampolines holding some (heavy) balls with handles on them. Apparently the game involved them leaning until they were underwater, throwing the ball to someone to their side and running or swimming. Pretty crazy.

Back to my dream above... it's twisted enough that I'm unwanted in my dreams. Wouldn't you agree?

Getting old

I woke up to a dream where SmTn had written. In my dream there were 2-3 new e-mails, the others being from facebook or rubbish. He'd written to say he'd have to delete me, that he'd received a phone call from one of the professors who organized the summer school (the one who liked heavy metal) and that it had upset him very much to be reminded of anything that happened there. I remember staring at the screen, helpless, wanting to write back and say "please don't delete me, please don't" and well aware of the fact that I couldn't be that selfish.

Saturday, 3 September 2011


The fishing stories are growing on me. LesMisGuy sent a text message around 7pm telling me that the reunion he had this afternoon would go on for longer than expected and we'll have to go out some other time. I'd been watching youtube videos and falling asleep every 2min or so waiting for him to call or something. When I received the message I couldn't piece together an answer and had to ask EBF (who'd just logged in) and A for advice. It should've been simple enough but with LesMisGuy, for whatever reason, nothing ever is. Going out with him should be easy, but it's been impossible. You know, once you add everything up, it's been four weeks of back and forth "want to go out?" "can't make it, how about some other time?" and frankly I'm growing tired and annoyed by it. I give up. He can try asking next week. If that doesn't work out then I'll have to stop caring because it's just so tiresome to be worrying about this when there's only everything else to worry about too. I fear that we'll either never meet or we'll meet and it will be completely anti-climactic. And yet I keep rooting for it hoping we can get together and that he fancies me and will take the initiative and kiss me. I could almost swear I'm growing old just thinking about it.

Speaking of old men... I finished "The old man and the sea." I most certainly find it better than "A river runs through it," though, to be fair, the last story in the latter is actually told quite nicely. I suppose I like the poetry in Hemingway's storytelling, but I also like the thoughts written out loud, as opposed to just vaguely implied by the situations. I like the way the fish becomes both a friend and an enemy, I like how the concept of worthiness is managed. I don't have a mind for the gruesome details of an old man cutting his hands with the line pulled by the fish, or by the descriptions of how to kill sharks, but I understand they're necessary. I like the way it's all described as a journey, and how it's not really over when the fish is dead because you've still got to bring it back to shore. It's a bit like what I heard once about how it' not about getting to the top of a mountain, because you still have to survive the way back down. Fishing the marlin and keeping the sharks at bay was a little like that. I can't help but wonder whether or not the old man would've made it back alive to shore if the sharks hadn't eaten the marlin and made the skiff lighter and faster.

There's a twisted sense of luck, fate and religiousness at play here, and it can also be considered when weighing in the old man's prayers. He prayed to be able to catch the fish, he should've been smart enough to pray to be able to get back home safely with it and sell it. He said he wasn't allowed to have luck after he went so far out. He always wishes the boy were there with him, and the only reason he wasn't is because the old man had been through an unlucky streak. The host of reasons why he wanted the boy there are a whole other matter. Same goes for the host of reasons why it was so important for him to get this fish. It's odd how he compared him to the sun, the moon and the stars and was glad no one was out to fish them. I understand the part where they're all one of a kind, all brothers of fishermen, but I don't quite see ... Except maybe I do. One of a kind indeed, sustenance for a very long time, brother and friend as well as enemy. I don't suppose this particular fish was as universal as the sun, the moon and the stars are, but when it came to this particular old fisherman, it only makes perfect sense. Never mind. I do see it. Somehow. I can glimpse at it, anyway.

Other ideas amuse me, though. Those of fishing in general, and not just fish. If you can think of fishing the moon, the stars and the sun you can most certainly admit the thought of fishing for thoughts and ideas. The idea of fishing for people is a bit cliché and, to be honest, can be a bit degrading. I do have a mind for thinking of fishing for ideas. Imagine them all swimming in a sea you travel alone. Imagine how you can't quite get ahold of them when they're busy jumping, or doing whatever it is fish do. Think of how you strive to get the big ideas, the big thoughts, and of how hard it is to actually catch them. It even extends as far as thinking of how sometimes they get away before you get a chance to get a good look at them. I like this thought.

I mean to write SmTn another e-mail. I want to write something, I just don't know what. I want to tell him about the guy greeting, about finishing the book, about fishing thoughts. I'll see about that in a bit. I wish he'd get online, though, I want a real conversation. Not just the e-mails. I want a real conversation. I want... No, I wish we could talk properly. I'm suddenly overcome by "what if"s of what would've happened if I'd climbed the mountain, if we'd spent that last day together, if he'd actually kissed me. I shouldn't be thinking about that.

Don't know what to say

Sometimes I think A's pulling the iPod thing out of spite, you know? Yesterday night she left a message saying she'd got it and was so fucking happy with it. Today she's online from the iPod and telling me about all the shit she can do with the wifi. I'm biting my tongue so I don't come out saying something like "so you're planning to go on a diet now?" or "you'll be owing food money for how long now? or will you let your parents take care of that for you?" or "that was such a mature decision, I'm sure you can eat that when you're hungry and can't afford food." Very bitchy of me, I know. I said I was biting my tongue. I don't suppose anything will, but if anything turns out with LesMisGuy and we go out, if anything exciting happens, I will be hesitating before I tell her wondering if she won't run out to buy the iPad she'd already agreed she can't afford. The evil side of me is wondering if I shouldn't try it just to piss her off as a dare, but if I can bite my tongue I can try not to heed that evil side.

I wanted to write about last night's dinner, but I'm a bit too tired, and I don't want to go on ranting right now. Maybe later. I'll just try and think of a new nail polish color to wear for now.

Friday, 2 September 2011

One end to fishing stories

Good heavens... it's my aunt MT's birthday today. So far so good, you'd think. We're hosting the dinner party. As usual, when it comes to this sort of thing. If it's not my uncle's direct responsibility you can be sure it will be us doing it. Not my cousins, no. Anyway, my mum complains we're the "fools" for getting stuck hosting the dinner parties with all they involve: cleaning, cooking, cleaning up after the cooking, doing the dishes, everything. I know better: we get stuck doing all the work because the other people can afford not to be the ones doing it. It's quite as simple as that, actually. Comes with being the poor ones, I figure.

My dad is absolutely unbearable. He's got a cold. For most anyone else on the planet it's the sort of thing you know will be over in a week so you suck it up and manage to go on living. Not him. He not only lies in bed absolutely useless, he has to moan, complain, bitch and whine about everything while playing the victim. I already had a cold (I'm still getting through the last bits of it), my mum and my sister had a cold too. We sucked it up and managed to get shit done. Not him. He lies in bed and bitches. My mum and I have been doing all the work for today. We got a helping hand, yes, but she left at 4-5 and it's been a while since we've been having to do it all on our own. My mum tripped on something and dropped an old printer. My dad rushed only to make sure to tell my mother she'd broken the printer's cable (she hadn't). You know there's a line between being useless and just being a damned pain in the ass? He crosses it way too often. It's come to a point where I can't wait to get the fuck away from all of it.

My mum is only more bearable, sometimes she's in a mood where she's just waiting to get mad at anything and I can't stand her either. Other times she thinks she's being practical when she's absolutely not: "your aunt had some red curry, we could use that to fix the tomato sauce for the fish, right?" Fuck no, woman! You know I haven't really found out if I can just transfer credits from French to make up for my "coherent whole" 15 credits? I know we'll be spared half a semester's tuition if I can pull that off. I also know they'd use that as a lame excuse to lay back, and they've already made sure we'd better not because they're buying my aunt MT's old car. People are arriving. Gotta go. Rant more later.

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Sorry, I need to rant

I'm talking to A now. I try to be a sport and chat en English, so she'll start getting used to it and all. She's been telling me since before she left how she's got to buy an iPad and an iPod touch or whatever. I know she can't afford them. I'm not sure if she knows that. She gave up on the iPad and decided she's got to buy the iPod as soon as possible for no good reason. She just really wants the damned iPod touch. See if I can understand why you'd suddenly need one so badly. I try to be a pal and tell her the damned thing will cost the same in a few months and she could try to save up for it rather than hope for free food at reunions.

This is taking into consideration the fact that I've already asked a few times and she won't be finding a job. She says she got money from her grandparents she doesn't intend to waste on food. I say she shouldn't spend food money on an iPod until she knows she can afford to go long enough eating crappy cheap food. She says she can buy food with her credit card. I'm baffled. Does she even understand that the credit card doesn't magically produce money out of nowhere? Does she not know someone has to pay for it? I don't even know what to say to her. Can I change the subject drastically? I started off telling her about LesMisGuy and decided I should be less selfish and try to ask about her day. When she tells me she's trying to do something unreasonable I ask her to reconsider.

I'm amazed by how naïve she seems. It's like the condom conundrum all over again. She should know better. I always looked up to her for knowing a little bit more than I did. I can't respect her quite as much if I know she's making stupid decisions. I judge my parents for that every day already. Me? I'm saving, a tiny bit at a time, so I can buy SmTn's gift, in case he ever mentions he wants it. Still no word on the post card. Either way, I'm not spending money I don't have. I already had the money when I decided to buy it, I'm just saving until the right time comes to buy the gift so it won't come as such a shock to my savings account.

Does A even read what she writes? Can she not realise how foolish she sounds? Sorry, I'm still baffled. I can't see it. I just can't. I have to wonder if she's not saying she'll buy it out of spite because I asked LesMisGuy out or SmTn makes book suggestions. I have to wonder if she's not somehow trying to make me jealous or something. I have to wonder if she's not, in fact, that twisted.

Is that a yes?

So, um... I opted for IMing LesMisGuy. We talked about today's seminar (shame I didn't go, it was apparently the best yet). I asked what he was doing on Saturday. He said he'd have a reunion in his house in the afternoon but was otherwise free. I ask him if he'd like to do something that night. And my internet goes haywire. So I don't actually know if it's my internet playing games on me or if he's actually not answering, which would be weird enough, since the conversation was quite nice before that. I wonder if it's got anything to do with the fact that he's online from his phone. I don't know if I should ask again, apologise for my bad connection or change the subject. I might have to ask EBF, who just signed in.

[7:14pm edit]
EBF said to ask again. So I did. LesMisGuy's got plans with another gal friend. It just might not turn out, he'll let me know. Right. I'll go back to reading Hemingway.

[7:29pm edit]
I lied to LesMisGuy and said I'd try to work on my thesis, and then appeared offline. Why do I need to make such a sorry case?

Again, on books

Do you suppose reading manly books makes you manly? I have no better explanation for it. Today, some group of morons went into the room we have differential geometry in to take a test. Of course, they were in the wrong room. So, I waited outside reading "The Old man and the Sea," in case I grow a taste for fishing stories (incidentally, yes, more on that later). LesMisGuy came by. He said hi and I waved. Instead of waving, or leaning in for a kiss, he shook my hand guy style, not the regular handshake, the one where thumbs hug and you wrap your fingers around the other person's hand. So funny. I almost laughed. We started talking but then ExamGuy came and after I said hi to him, the two of them started talking. When I felt awkward I just went back to reading the book.

Fun fact: when LesMisGuy asked about it, I said it was about an old fisherman who caught a 5m long fish and it was eaten by sharks (I know this already because I couldn't help myself and looked it up). He was a little surprised and sort of had a weird reaction to me reading that kind of story, almost hinted he wouldn't like it and I'm half glad because I'd have to agree with him. Then he asked me why I was reading it and I lied saying I'd be sorry to start a longer book and not finish it, not mentioning SmTn at all. I didn't realise I'd lied until an hour later and now I'm a bit intrigued. I could've just said a friend recommended the book, but I didn't and I don't know why. I was also tempted to tell SmTn in a short e-mail about the manly handshake, but thought twice about it. I think I don't want the two worlds to collide. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's just the fact that I look like crap today and I forgot to wear earrings.

I'm still debating whether or not to call LesMisGuy today and whether to make it a call or just text him, or IM him. I'm hoping EBF will be online around 6:30 so I can ask him. I'm not sure if I can just call tomorrow to arrange something for Saturday. Granted, it's a tiny bit weird with how LesMisGuy sat away with ExamGuy and I got stuck in a corner with Sir Ogle-a-lot in front of me (I hate his guts, I've said that, right?). I reckon I have to. I'm just debating about the nature of the communication. I figure today's handshake makes us pals (all the more reason why lying was weird), so I really needn't be so eager calling two days ahead. A tiny part of me is wondering if the whole pals thing isn't just a charade so I can be surprised when it turns out he fancies me and doesn't think of me as a guy pal. I don't know, frankly.

Now, books. Fishing stories, to be more specific. It turns out, I do hate the sexism so much it makes me hate the stories. Hemingway's book is also a bit misogynist but not quite as much as the Maclean's. This one's more about manhood, manliness, the sense of accomplishment that goes with going days without food or proper water and catching a 5m long fish in an epic battle. It's about whatever it is that makes it so awesome to catch big fish. They get that way by not getting caught, they grow old enough to grow smart. It's harder to catch them. I'm imagining that catching them is, somehow, achieving the impossible, but I'm not sure if the argument is redundant with just how hard it is. I suppose there's more to it about the way you catch the big fish, and how the mental process makes you a better man for it. Maybe. Something like that. I'm hoping SmTn will tell me a fishing story of his own (need I mention that he hasn't written back yet? it was all just a dream). For now, I like the fishing story behind "Big Fish" a lot better than the others, and Hemingway's better than Maclean's. We'll see if SmTn can persuade me to think otherwise.

Twice freudian

Alas, I still dream about SmTn writing. Just as I woke up, I woke up from a dream where I woke up to find SmTn had written two e-mails. I know I got to read the first one and it said something along the lines of "you don't want to know about manly stuff and my trips." In my dream it was his excuse for not filling me in and preferring to talk about me and get to know me. Frankly, even as I write it, it sounds a bit condescending. I have to be an hour early for French class. If you'll excuse me.