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Wednesday, 31 August 2011


I wrote to SmTn starting with a cheery bonjour, and it seemed to me obvious at the time that I had to follow up with a reference to the cheery bonjours at the beginning of the song about Belle in Beauty and the Beast.

It's just the way I roll. Anyway, in the e-mail before this one, SmTn had asked if there weren't any ways to shorten my name, so I could have a nickname. I answered I had no nicknames except for the ones EBF gave me naming me after book characters. After I said I'd rather learn French to be like Belle than to imitate unhospitable French people, he asked if he could call me Belle, as a form of secret nickname. It's funny how that came together, no? Starts out totally innocent and meaningless, and then it turns into an auto-fulfilling prophecy of sorts, except I couldn't have reasonably expected this particular turn of events. Just as well.

I'm hoping I won't look too much like crap tomorrow. I'm starting French lessons and I'm possibly seeing LesMisGuy. I most certainly must not forget to ask him out if we talk, or to ring him later.

Oh... have I mentioned I have a new facebook friend? One of the guys from summer school? The one who talked to me about fireworks? He sent a message yesterday saying something about some monster structures in maths. I had to rack through my brain for a while to remember it came from a discussion of compactifications. I talked about Stone-Cech compactifications and said that the compactification of the natural numbers was a monstrous set. This guy said related it to structures which are actually called monstrous, in serious texts. Anyway, what is it? two months after the facts, he sends me a message to say he ran into these structures again and thought about me. So he sent a link to a Wikipedia article about them. There's just no excuse for any of it, is there?

Tuesday, 30 August 2011


I suppose it about sums it all up. For one, there's the fact that LesMisGuy showed up for class today. That's
*yay* #1
but 2 was on my seat, so by the time I took a right and got ready to sit I couldn't really back out and change my mind and I sat next to him. Sir Ogle-a-lot was right in front of us, and even tried to get me to greet him or something, but I didn't. Fortunately, I wore an oversized jumper today. 2 greeted me and we chitchatted a bit. He asked for my notes, and so when the class was over we went to xerox my notebook. I exchanged glances with LesMisGuy as he got up to receive his graded homework assignment
*yay* #2,
but I couldn't very well leave with him after having arranged to go with 2.

However, just as 2 and I walked out of the place where he got the copies, LesMisGuy was walking by. It was a matter of making eye contact and waving for him to slow down and wait for me. I said goodbye to 2, he thanked me, and I walked with LesMisGuy for a bit as I made my way to meet ThPr.
*yay* #3
When we got to the maths department building I was 10min early, so I said I'd go get a cup of coffee. It was very spontaneous, really I just didn't want to part ways just yet if we had time. LesMisGuy had to hand in some graded partial exams, though, and didn't know the office hours of the professor he had to hand them in to. It was a fair argument. I was stuck buying a cup of coffee I didn't really want in case LesMisGuy came up quickly. I figure it's good enough that we talked. That way I'm quite sure I won't feel weird calling him to ask him out on Thursday. I just hope he's available. And that he goes out with me. And that he fancies me. And that he takes the initiative and tries to kiss me. But I'm in ahead of myself...

On another subject, there's SmTn (yes, there's still SmTn). He wrote back saying I should go for French because he doesn't really like German people. He also said he intended to learn French when he was done with his Russian, but maybe he could learn Spanish. Cue for me to melt a tiny bit inside. I will only briefly mention how awesome he is for having understood my short attempt at a reply to his e-mail saying I needn't apologise. He's awesome. And now, to the subject at hand: books. He told me about this book he really liked "A river runs through it" by Norman Maclean. I actually read as close to non-stop as I ever have, and I've finished reading the first two stories (the one the book's titled after, and the one after it).

I was very disappointed. It's considered an american classic, apparently, and I can see why. I can even see why SmTn would like it, with the descriptions of nature, and the detailed passages about fishing, but I don't like it. Not even one bit, you know? It's a very manly book, not that it would be a problem. It's from the times of the first european immigrants to the US and Norman Maclean himself was the son of a Scottish presbyterian minister. So strike number one, but one I'll ignore, was the damned religious talk in the beginning trying to relate God to fishing.

On to the actual book, then. I learned a thing or two about fishing, not that it would come in handy ever. I appreciated the way manly bonds and manly feelings are depicted (because they're never actually described). I can even see some beauty in the way gestures mean a lot more than words ever could, and men behave manly while having emotions because they know the right way to convey them without actually being emotional. I'm not sure it's the kind of manly man SmTn is, unless he's just really different around me. I also appreciated the talk about nature and the contemplative and meditative states induced by being out in the wild.

I couldn't help but think that this was the kind of book read at boys' boarding schools, the grown up follow up to Mark Twain's Tom Sawyer. I also couldn't help but think that there's a part of the american culture there that SmTn can strongly relate to. I just can't feel it myself. I know it's all in the time context, but the fact that two men got mad at a stupid drunk and decided to take it out on the woman who slept with him... it doesn't sit right with me. The way women are depicted in general is really very upsetting. They're objectified, seen only as sexual objects, I see slut-shaming, I see twisted morals, I see quite a lot of disrespect. I have to make an excuse for the one excuse, though: the girl who was cheyenne (I believe that's it, I may be mistaken) was described quite differently. It could be a little racist to call her wild, but I think it's part of what had her described so beautifully. Her long, shiny black hair, the way she danced and men couldn't keep up with her. Every other woman, though? They're nagging, stupid, and unappreciative, sticking by silly rules whenever they're not deemed as whores for sleeping around. Even in the story about logging this is present. No native girl there, though. Just manly sawyers and a brief (and somewhat odd) mention of attempts at homosexuality, whatever that may be.

Back to the first story, though, there's one last thing I'd like to mention: there was a nice attempt at a reconciliation between science and religion. I'll grant the author that. Even more so because for the work of one brought up by a minister back in the 1900's, this is way ahead of his time. Even today we have trouble with creationism and this guy was already telling about his father being willing to accept God Himself couldn't have created the world in 6 days. So there's that. Overall, then, I liked the native girl. I hate that she was seen as a bad influence, but I reckon some girls are actually like that. I'll stick to just liking the description of her hair and her dancing. Everything else? I either hated or couldn't relate to. It's a shame. I really expected a lot more from the guy who reads Dostoievski and Hemingway. I'll have to try that book by Hemingway (which I'll expect will be as manly, if not more) to see if I can change my opinion of SmTn's taste in books. I'm hoping he'll like "Einstein's Dreams."

Oh, a last side note: 2 smelled like he used to again, just like Q. I wonder if it's the birth control pills. It's odd LesMisGuy would smell good anyway (different, though, but good) all the same.

Sunday, 28 August 2011

Instead of making myself useful...

I'm writing this post. For a few things, really. I got a tiny bit paranoid, so I changed my password. Not that anyone would care, but so there.

Not really first thing on my mind but first thing on this post is the fact that it's my aunt MT's birthday next Friday. And apparently we're having a family reunion on Friday. Totally ruins my chances of going out with LesMisGuy on Friday. I have to wait until I'm sure, but everyone seemed to agree today that it will be "best" on Friday. Because it's the real birthday date, and because people won't have to wake up early on Saturday and we can't ask the cleaning lady to come on Saturday. Right... so... is it too early to give him a call on Thursday night to arrange something for Saturday night? Do you suppose he'll be available on Saturday night? For some reason, he wasn't available yesterday.

Son of a bitch, blogger! I had a whole two more paragraphs here. One of them's an e-mail I already sent. The rest was me having realised I ate a doughnut bit by a stranger. Fuck you, blogger. You'd even been saving drafts.

And again

I had a dream about SmTn. This one started off with me being in class and realising that his friend from summer school was in class with me. Then I sat on a long bench with a bunch of other people, next to the crazy professor, and as I looked at the other people sitting there I saw him. The guy next to him stood up so we could exchange seats. Oh boy, was it good to see him... Then, in my dream, he came her to Bta and over to the house. It was a little hectic, what with my aunts (both aunt MT and aunt A) here. I introduced him to both. He was with another friend, a shorter guy with dark hair. He was trying to introduce me to him. Then there was some woman, maybe his mother?, who followed around and checked on everything I did to treat them as guests. She judged the food I offered, and the way I offered it. There was someplace we were supposed to be, but SmTn was in no hurry to be away from me, so he stayed with me until it was absolutely necessary to go. I think we hugged, and it was lovely.

Saturday, 27 August 2011

And then my mum arrived

I was just having this dream, you know. I had a dream about being away on summer school, about being around SmTn and CtThumbe being around to help me out. There was a side story about a change of popes. We were changing popes but it was because whomever was pope was giving up and passing the task on to someone else. For some reason he got to choose who was pope next, and there was a woman among the candidates. There was some very expensive red wine involved and there was something to be said about the way the resigning pope dismissed the candidates until he chose the next guy. The woman was a redhead, not that it matters. Anyway, I remember this, talking about this with CtThumbe, and getting stuck in conversations with BGuy while I was with A.

Anyway, CtThumbe knew about me and SmTn. We left on some trip and when we came back (possibly from the change of pope thing) we saw him talking to the woman who came from Brasil last time. CtThumbe was all "that son of a bitch! Really?! He's chatting her up?" and we took a seat away from them. I excused myself for a while to go get a snack and when I got back I found CtThumbe no longer sitting where we used to be sitting. I glanced up, and realised she was sitting between SmTn and the other woman. Even as I glanced their way I could just read it from their looks: SmTn was saying "See? They're trying to get us together," the woman was saying "Go on, get together already" and CtThumbe was "Aw hell no you don't you two, linaThumbe got to SmTn first!". Something like that. So, I go to them and SmTn and I say something like "We'd better get going now, we don't have a lot of time." Cinderella style, if you will. I pointed out we only had until 2am that morning. I said I could go straight without sleeping, but I hadn't the energy, and he surely couldn't do it either, even if he had a 26 hour journey ahead of him. I'm not sure when it was said, but there was something implied (maybe silently?) about how we could sneak out neverminding the old guy having to open the door after hours.

I'm quite sure it was implied we'd be doing quite a bit more than holding hands. We sort of were supposed to have sex, and it wasn't like the time I waited for SmTn while he packed and FlowerGuy said "you could totally sneak a quickie in there" and nudged me. In my dream it was more "this is the last chance we get in a very long time, we better make good use of it." So I walk out with SmTn, sure that so many things are about to happen, glad that I finally get to be with him, and then? My mum arrived, opened the door, and woke me up, just as I got to the good bit. Very disappointing. Wouldn't you agree?

Friday, 26 August 2011

Give credit where credit is due

My day today consisted of waking up to my mum having arrived with my uncle from the airport and finding out my cousin and her husband and kid would be here for lunch. So I get ready and help with lunch. After that I'm reminded that we were having a family dinner to celebrate my cousin's birthday, so I had to bake a cake, and since we had the kid around and all, it turned into a full-blown kiddie activity what with the cooking, mixing, egg cracking, spoon licking, and toying around with fondant and buttercream. Fun? Kind of, but also very tiresome. Before we left to my aunt's place for dinner I chose to bring my phone with me (I had nothing else). On a hunch. Which was right. LesMisGuy called. I'd have to check, but it was almost the exact same time from two weeks ago. And this time I picked up. I explained I was at a family reunion that was only just beginning and I asked if we could maybe reschedule for tomorrow. He said no and asked if I'd be in town this weekend. I still don't understand that too clearly. I ended with a remark along the lines of "we'll have to leave it until next week and try to schedule it sometime well before 8pm." That was that.

I was flustered, flushed, and a little panicky, which doesn't exactly go too well with opening a tin of mussels and having my aunt MT and others around me. A little weird. However, it felt so good to be right about my hunch, I was actually a little sorry to have no better evidence of it than the fact that I got the phone call registered as "answered" on my phone, knowing I was at a family reunion I brought absolutely nothing else to. Maybe it's a silly thing to put down on the record, but I have a hunch: by the time we do go out, by the time we actually manage to meet, I have a feeling that we'll kiss that night. Just a feeling.

On a not completely unrelated note, SmTn wrote. I found out this morning about 2 hours after he'd sent his e-mail. He's likely enough the sweetest man alive. I chose to change subjects, though, and write back asking about learning German or French.

[12:58am edit]
I didn't mention it before because I thought I could brush it off but I can't. I stood for a good while not having the courage to read SmTn's e-mail. I decided to go over it again a while ago and I can't bring myself to do it. I'm actually afraid to do so, and I don't know why.

As for the title of this post, I meant to credit my selfishness, my hunch and LesMisGuy. I forgot.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Rock bottom selfish

Not shell-fish, mind you. I'm not talking about Sponge Bob, though I was half tempted to even as I finished typing that title. I'm just very disappointed with a number of things today, and the one that stands out the most is how selfish I am.

LesMisGuy did go to class today, but I didn't see him coming in, and he sat all the way across the classroom from me, even though the seat next to mine was free and none of the guys he usually talks to had arrived when I found him sitting down. I tried to hide for a bit. I found myself glancing his way. He started writing, I figure, doing the homework assignment that was due today. I decided to write too, lest I lost my mind, and took out a sheet of paper to scribble on. I wondered if I smelled. I wondered if I looked so horribly repulsive that no one would come near me. Sir Ogle-a-lot almost sat next to me and then sat in the front row. That I'm glad about. But then (nope, still no name for him... he's kind of like a dog, cool guy, drunk who said I was pretty) came in, almost sat next to me and also decided against it. I actually ran out as we got our 5min break and got myself into a bathroom stall and smelled my armpits to see if I actually stank. I wondered if it isn't the cold (which isn't all that bad, it doesn't per se make me disgusting, it just sort of makes breathing annoying). I looked at my face. Still disgusting, yes, but not so horribly so that people wouldn't come near me, or is it? I made it all about me. I'm still wondering what the fuck was wrong, you know?

And then I noticed he'd left by the time I got back to the second half of the class. I know not where to. Some appointment or other, I'd guess, because we're finally learning new-ish things in class and he can't exactly afford to miss it quite so easily. I then remembered that there's a chance that his friend's memorial thing (from the friend of his who died, but I know nothing about because I'm damn selfish and I didn't really listen) might be around this time of the year. Maybe. I don't really know. And then I realised: I'm trying to explain his (otherwise uneventful) absence with tragedies because he didn't sit next to me? What is wrong with me? And then, I have to wonder. What could, if anything at all, be wrong with him? Why did he disappear? Why hasn't he addressed my text message asking him out? Why hasn't he been online? Why close down his facebook account (or de-friend me from it)? Something is definitely up, I think.

I can't waste much more energy and time wondering what, though. I just don't have enough to go on and, clearly, making assumptions at this point is sheer madness. I'm having trouble focusing on anything at all. And you know what makes it worse? I'm not used to it, I can't stop it and I don't know how to handle it but I can't keep thinking of both LesMisGuy and SmTn because it's driving me crazy. I don't know how to make up my mind, and I'm not even sure I'm supposed to do that. Except I should probably just give up on them both and stick by that. You know I found myself wondering where the fuck that postcard from SmTn is, only to realise he probably won't send it, and he probably won't show up again, ever? I grow more certain of it every day. It's been almost two weeks. Of course. Then why do I still let my mind wander, thinking about impossible scenarios where he could be a guest lecturer at one of the colloquia? Why am I actually wondering what would happen if he comes by surprise and I'm already in a relationship with LesMisGuy? I'm afraid the whole ego-boost thing has had terrible side effects. I'm not so much "confident" as I am "more insecure."

You know what's only just kicking in today? SmTn was right when he said everything was so easy back in summer school. I had no idea how right he was. I didn't have to deal with so many side everythings. I was actually considered cool. People sought me. People wanted to talk to me. My looks didn't matter. My missing bits of brain didn't matter. People thought I was funny. SmTn felt an instant connection to me. And then I come back, and it's madness. I drive SmTn away. I feel rejected. I wonder why people don't like me and nitpick everything about myself I don't like, trying to decide what it is that's so unappealing. Rejection does not sit well with me. I can't say it enough. I'm actually having trouble with this. LesMisGuy won't greet me, or sit next to me, even though we sat next to each other so often last semester. He won't answer my messages. He goes AWOL. SmTn's gone AWOL. People otherwise don't really come near me. And you know what makes it all a bit more complicated? Today's bus ride back from campus was filled with thoughts of SmTn, thinking of how badly I wish I could hug him. And when I got here I looked at myself in the mirror as I washed my hands and my-face-looking-like-shit notwithstanding, I actually thought I looked quite pretty. It's so weird...

Seeing as I'm not making myself useful anyway...

A few things. I'm tired, and sleepy, but can't sleep. Not just yet. I just caught myself typing LesMisGuy's name in facebook, in case anything turned up, but then his name turned into SmTn's and then quickly closing the window even as it showed the latest pictures of him at the top, realizing how ridiculously stupid it all is. You know, he hasn't shown up online yet? He hasn't written? I'm starting to think he just might up and disappear, and with ... well, only everything that's happened, I actually understand it. Hell, I even told him I half-expected it a while ago. I still found myself wondering if I could maybe ask him if it would be better to learn German or French. EBF says German. I don't actually have a preference, if I have things my way I'll be learning both as well as I can, as soon as it's affordable. I'm only wondering if it won't be, in fact, more practical to take German, in case I somehow learn enough to take that as my 5 "coherent all" subjects. Maybe. I don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not working, certainly. I should be. I'm meeting ThPr tomorrow afternoon. Took me long enough to even get the differential geometry assignment done. I scrutinized my face, as if there were some way to make it look good. I cooked (mushrooms in fondue sauce with baguette, yum). I found out how much it will cost to learn German or French. (Good heavens, there's one particular company with outrageous prices). I've thought about LesMisGuy. I've tried to keep thoughts of SmTn at bay. I've wondered how much I'm making up as I go here. I wonder if I'm not perhaps going mad already.

I'd like to think I'm good at reading people. I'd like to think it was me being right when I guessed about SmTn, and MusicGuy (who, incidentally, I ran into just the other day and seemed suddenly ok). I wish I had a hunch about LesMisGuy's call but I just don't. So I'm left asking myself stupid questions. He wasn't around yesterday. I can only hope he'll be around tomorrow. I haven't even seen him online. It would seem he's suddenly pulled away from all distractions. I mean, closing down facebook (I hope) and not even logging in to messenger from his phone, when he used to be online 24/7? Odd, isn't it? And he didn't go to class. I know, he can afford it, because we're moving so slowly and it's still a bit too easy. But I wish he'd gone to class. I hope he'll go tomorrow. Today. Later. I hope to see him. I hope to talk to him. And then I'm left wondering what exactly it is I want out of that.

On the one hand, even the new, more down-to-earth, approach to thinking of being with him is quite nice. I mean, he'd be a good friend, we could have a lot of fun together, and I'm quite sure we could stay together until I had to leave and just have a friendly break up after that. I know he's not the love of my life. I know I'm not the love of his life. I figure the love of his life is some very lucky French woman. I don't have a clue who the love of my life might be. I still know we could grow very fond of each other, we could truly care about each other, and we could be in a very loving, fun, and somewhat carefree relationship. It would, indeed, be wonderful, and more than most people could ever ask for.

Did he not say he'd called to ask me out? Why not answer my text message, then? Why disappear? Do you suppose he'll bring up the subject if we meet? Do you suppose he'll try asking me out? I'm not sure I should take the lead there. What if I'm being ridiculously self-centered? Something could've happened to him (bless him, I hope that's not the case). He might not even be interested at all. Maybe his was just a lousy excuse whipped up in the moment instead of a lousy "I mis-dialed." Then, there's a possibility that even all of the above considered, he'll show up for class and sit away from me. He'll disappear going off to the colloquium and I'll be off to meet ThPr. We won't even say goodbye. Not that we're even supposed to say hello. Because I'm trying to think too far ahead and that always fails miserably. But I want some degree of certainty. Any certainty at all, any certainty whatever. I want to know if things can work out with him. I want to know if he's interested (I suppose that's part of what's so tempting about SmTn, he was out there, telling me and showing me). I want to know what it is I'm supposed to do to make things work.

I'm not as eager as I might've been but I still want this. If anything, I figure my eagerness is closer to his now. If he's eager at all. Right. Could he not be a bit more forward? Could he not ask me out and follow through on that? Maybe try to kiss me to greet me? He hasn't tried that yet, I think. I should remember, but I don't... Maybe we did greet with a kiss, that time I walked behind him... I miss the shoulder rub gestures. I miss more closeness. I... want to say I want a hug, but the last hugs I got were SmTn's and that's a thought I'm still trying to shy away from.

I, I, I. I'm so self-centered. What do you suppose he'd want? What could make him happy? I know I'd be devoted to making him happy if I knew how and he'd let me. I can sort of see why he'd rather be with someone else, though. And it may not just be my low self-esteem at work here. What does he want? Can he possibly want to be with me? Can he? Could he not press on just a tiny bit, so I could get hunches to act on? As it stands, I'm ambivalent. I could give up because there are no signals and I'm not that desperate. Or I could persist because I'm not that desperate about the outcome and won't be too disappointed. I still take rejection horribly, though. If I can somehow make myself work real hard tomorrow, and on Friday, maybe I can play around with make up a bit. Should be a nice way to distract myself. Or LesMisGuy could ask me out. And he could fancy me. And be forward about it. And give me a kiss. That would be a spectacular way to distract myself.

I'm a mess. I don't say it often enough.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Hot foreigner, dog rescue

I almost went into the shower, but I know I'd forget the dreams from last night and there's at least two I still remember.

In one of them I was with my uncle and my cousins. Apparently, my cousin's husband had put together some system so that the water between a pool and a jacuzzi could flow, which had warm water rushing into the jacuzzi in a rather smart system. It was clogged, though, so some friend of theirs, a hot foreign guy, started reaching in with his hand to clean it. He asked for my help, and I said I'd go get some gloves. I couldn't help him without gloves. Next thing I know, I'm cleaning a shower once all the cleaning at the pool was done. I know I was in a place with warm climate, with hills and a dirt road, and as I walked along this road I knew I had to tell EBF that yet another hot foreign guy had the hots for me. And he was athletic-hot. But I didn't really like him all that much, which was a shame. He was tall (about 3-4 inches taller than me), dark hair, blue-green eyes, hairy, tanned. Mediterranean, perhaps? Or East European/Romani/Russian? No idea... can't remember his accent.

In another dream I was a boy not unlike the one from Pete's Dragon in some souther american village. Some woman had these dogs she kept yelling at to make them shut up. I just shushed them and they grew quiet, so I asked her not to hurt them or yell at them. She told me to tie one up, one she called "dollar and a half" because it's what the dog had cost her. She also said something about how the dog had to go to the vet the next day. I noticed a "vet wanted" sign written so badly it looked more like "boob." I didn't piece the two together until I went to leave the dog tied up where it was expected to be and noticed a small building (really, just a shoddy roof with walls) and an old man in it. The old man was deranged and he was the vet. There was nothing around him, no tools, no table, not a thing. He said he'd just opened up for business. I knew the dog would be hurt and had to rescue him, so I ran to let him loose and took a gun with me. For some reason I fired the gun while there was some animal's neck in it, which would distract the vet and the woman, and I called the dog so it would follow me to safety.

There's a last dream I remember, come to think of it. Mr. Big from Sex & the City was there, but he was married to some dark haired woman. To be precise, he was actually divorcing her. It was friendly, though. At any rate, they owned this huge house by the sea, a very expensive house they could use as a resort, and for the divorce settlement to go smoothly, they were trying to sell it. However, the sea levels had dropped mysteriously by about 5-10m and that had left a horrible stretch of suddenly empty space with leftover sea weed and a horrible smell. The real estate woman couldn't manage to sell it. The ex-wife had actually embarrassed herself personally offering the property to some German man she knew. The real estate woman talked to the ex-wife, expecting to hate her, but they started playing around with some make up and ended up not hating each other. Well, the real estate woman couldn't really hate the ex-wife. I think I was the real estate woman, sometimes. Just like I was the boy in the dream above this one. So strange...

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Cars, a lost cousin, and a tarantula

That's what I dreamt about last night.

Cars as in, SmTn came here, and I went to pick him up at the airport, and my dad was coming to get us, but SmTn had his own car here. His car, as it turned out was a very expensive looking convertible, except it wasn't a sports car. It was more like a variation on a family car, if you will. Huge, if it had to fit him at the driver's seat. Beige leather seats and upholstery. Very nice, actually, not at all "macho." The guy who'd parked next to him stared quite a bit. His car was a mini Cooper. Not sure why he stared, but I know I had time to think of dick measuring contests. I had to call my dad to tell him not to come, and he took a while to pick up and when he did he was already in a traffic jam on the way and was upset. Then there were family reunions where SmTn looked particularly uncomfortable next to my aunt MT and my mother, who kept chatting in Spanish. It was pretty bad, actually. I know I wanted to go join him so he wouldn't be so bored, but my mum had told me to do a lot of things in the kitchen and I couldn't.

In another dream I was shown pictures where I played around with a cousin I've never known about. Apparently, we had lots of fun together. There was a role-playing game, and now I'm not sure what it was exactly, but this cousin either always played evil or always played angelical and he had to play the opposite of what he was. It was somehow a problem. Then there was some kind of contest or game and we would've played together but we didn't because we'd gotten into a fight and hadn't talked to each other ever since. When we tried to recreate the game, I was left trying to tie strings to toothpicks and toothpick-sized colour pencils.

Then there's something about a tarantula someone lent me, except I don't remember what I wanted it for, and I let it loose for a bit. It was hungry, so it hunted down a nearby fuzzy, round insect (or another arachnid?).

I also remember a dream where I was with people from school1, girls, having a meal. It was a fancy restaurant. I finished my meal and ordered dessert, as did they, but mine never arrived. While it didn't arrive I was asked to slice a chocolate cake. A huge chocolate cake. So big I had to cut very thin slices to make regular-sized portions. Then some fat rich man came to join us and that's when I realised I didn't have my dessert waiting for me.

There's another dream I half-remember where there was a dried up river and grey wolves were coming our way. SmTn was in that dream, but I'm not sure what happened in it. It was kind of a FF scenario, as there was a warning that during summer there were bombs (the fiend) and during winter it was wolves, or the opposite. Can't quite remember.

Quite done with transcribing my dreams, EBF just talked to me asking if I still have my Einstein's Dreams transcript. Back to the bad "normal," we are.

Monday, 22 August 2011

Freudian again, different subject

I had this dream last night where I got a text message from LesMisGuy. He said he'd love to go out with me and suggested we take a stroll through a park or stop by to listen to some poetry, as in my dream there were ambulant poetry readers around the city. I told A about it in another dream and then a text message from LesMisGuy arrived. However, I didn't quite get to read it and deleted it instead. Silly me.

In another dream there was a small bar near the student partying places I went to, and the son of the owners was a leprechaun. Not sure why it was relevant, but he wasn't much good with magic.

In another dream some people went to a very isolated and hard to reach part of Australia and set shop offering haircuts for some monkeys that played with giant (and I mean 2-3 stories high giant) cacti which were kind of anthropomorphic. They let the monkeys play around them and even go through them, kindly warning them of the needles. Also in this dream a giant reptile not unlike a Komodo dragon mixed with a crocodile. Dinosaur big. Completely harmless. The Australian guy who died stung by a stingray was afraid to go near it.

All right, that's about all I remember.

On a different note... I'm having a caramel-filled doughnut for breakfast and can't help but be reminded of SmTn.

[10:16pm edit]
I remembered more about my dreams from last night. In one of them I was walking on a dry dirt road with trees on either side. A very large, articulated red truck was ahead of me and just as I approached it, the road under it caved in (or maybe the hole was already there), and most of it fell into a ridiculously large pit. I reckon at least half of the truck was in, and I was close enough to be shocked by it. I believe others were walking behind me. Ahead was a suspicious man, looking at the truck. I don't know what he had to do with it, but as I kept on walking, I suddenly grew very afraid of this suspicious man following me and I started walking faster, not sure if running was a good idea. He was either on a horse or on a car and I knew he'd catch up with me only too soon.

On to my day today... You know what's odd? Today's soundtrack. While I was in class, and grew bored and then more bored I suddenly got "Candyman," as sung by Christina Aguilera stuck in my head.

Sunday, 21 August 2011

Yup, can't forget, had to say it

It's SmTn's birthday today. Happy birthday!

Saturday, 20 August 2011

Can't seem to make my mind up

I couldn't help but notice that I can't find LesMisGuy on facebook. I remembered how over the top stalker-ish I was with SmTn's account and something made me curious to see how things go on his facebook wall. Except I couldn't find it. I can't find anything at all. Two possible explanations for that: 1) he deleted his account, and 2) he blocked me. I'm not sure why he'd delete his account, and I'm no less than very bewildered if he chose to block me. Yeah, suddenly, I care. To be clear, I thought I was just fine whether he got back to me or not to go out this weekend. Key word "thought." I keep checking my phone to see if he didn't get back to me at some point. I'm even making up excuses like "he wouldn't get back to me today, there's a soccer match." And yet I lay low, appearing offline in messenger. Not that he'd notice, no... But, you know. In case he wanted to talk to me. Ok, also in case SmTn wants to talk to me. I'd feel a bit too ridiculous, to be honest, and I can't quite take it. To think I haven't worked one bit. Fuck.

Concerts and pizza

I had this dream last night where I was back in summer school. Not surprisingly, I'm still dreaming of ways I could've been with SmTn and for some reason it's important to me that there is evidence in the form of a picture of the fact that we hugged. Weird, I know. Weirder still is the fact that in my dream I was much more than just a popular girl, I was a popular singer and I gave a concert. When it was over, Ls and the guy CtThumbe had a crush on had taken pictures, and I asked them for them. None with SmTn, yet, though. That one we tried to take by a beach, but everyone was kind of in a hurry and I don't think it came through.

Then in another dream, I was at a pizza place, having pizza with LesMisGuy and two other guys. And in another dream yet, I was at an amusement park where John Denver gave live concerts and sang "You fill up my senses." In another dream yet, I played as if I were a little girl, running around and taking secret passageways, with some rich kid who showed me into a room he and some cousins were in. We had to jump through a window for that. Not sure what that one was all about.

Friday, 19 August 2011

So, um...

I sent LesMisGuy a text message asking him out at about 7:30pm. I would've called, but I was on my way here and I find phone calls with the public transport system in the background are far from good, mostly because of all the background noise, but I also find there's always some nosy person trying to overhear everything. That was at 7:34pm, to be exact. No answer so far. None to be expected, I suppose. I'm surprisingly Zen about this. I know I'd be fretting and freaking out about every single minute that went by, but I'm not. On the one hand, I could go out with him. On the other, I could not go out in public with my face still looking like crap. Win-win, pretty much. Besides, I can always go out with him some other time, as long as that door stays open. Right?

Before I forget

Result of my facebook stalking, it would seem SmTn's birthday is on August 21st. I couldn't help myself: I looked it up on wikipedia and it turns out that makes him a Leo (like D... there, I said it). It also turns out we're supposed to be compatible because fire and air go together or something. Funny I should be turning to astrology, but it sort of started out remembering LesMisGuy and how he's a Virgo.

Vague memory

I wish I remembered better, but I sort of forgot to write it down right away and now I can't remember any of it. I think I had a dream where LesMisGuy and I were together as a couple.

Thursday, 18 August 2011

All right, I couldn't help myself


I figure it will almost always be day in my home country or yours  when you're having a cup of coffee, so Juan Valdez and Conchita (the mule... yes, she has a name... can't say we aren't colourful people) greet you with a warm "¡Buenos días!". Fortunately for you, you'll have at least an extra good day after your last cup of coffee. Funny thing, the Spanish language...

Have I told you about my experience with high heels? I'm sure you've noticed I'm taller than the average colombian. When I wear high heels, between my height and my awful clumsiness, I'm like a giraffe. A giraffe in heels, if you will.

*insert picture of a giraffe in heels*

You will understand, then, when I say I couldn't find a mochila your size. It figures. The average colombian is shorter than me, and the average colombian has a mix of pre-columbine, african and european blood. That makes the pre-columbine natives very short by comparison. More so in comparison to you. Why, if they made a bag your size, they'd be left wondering whether to use it as a sleeping bag for small children, a clothing garment, a blanket, a pillow, a swing, a curtain or a doormat.

I had a guy friend go with me to buy your mochila and he served as my male model. He's about my height, except he's got a broad back. Even my mochila is a bit short on him. I'll leave it up to you to decide whether you'll use yours as a mochila, as a purse, as a very peculiar necklace or a very uncomfortable bracelet. If it's the wrong size for all of those purposes then perhaps you can give it a different use: how about a fuzzy cover for a plant pot? A bag to stuff full of heavy things to keep a door open? Half a mitten? A funny looking hat? A dog's hat? If all those fail I figure you can always stuff it in the back of a closet and try to remember not to throw it out when you find it again. Or you could give it away, hobbit style.

Either way, you'll have a bona fide mochila arhuaca (sorry, I'd been spelling it wrong all along). If television has taught me anything about fashion, it's the most fashionable of the colombian mochilas. Apparently, natural fibers (this is sheep's wool) and neutral colours make for the best pieces of a wardrobe. For what it's worth, I assure you it won't go out of fashion. They've been making them like this for decades (if not centuries). They've never been in fashion, though. Probably why they can't go out of fashion either... Then again, ruanas are far from being fashionable. Who am I to talk about fashion?

So much for fashion and coffee. Here's some maths:

*insert xkcd comic*

Hello, gorgeous

So, I arrive at class, take my now usual seat at the far right in the back, and wait for the class to start. LesMisGuy hadn't arrived by the time it started. When he arrived, he sat next to me. He was looking particularly smart today, with a crisp white shirt and a neatly trimmed beard. Did I mention he sat next to me? He smelled lovely. He always does, of course, but today he was wearing something, I could tell. It didn't take long for old impulses to rush through my mind: I felt so close to him, sitting next to him, both of us leaning against the wall, that for a while there all I could think of was turning left and kissing him on the cheek. Then there's a little something for the cheap psychology label: he kept playing with his lips. On the one hand, there's the flirting for dummies angle saying that he'll touch his lips so I'll want to touch him (works like a charm). And on the other hand, there's a new angle: he wants to kiss me and the reflex is to kiss anything else, be it his fingers, phone or kindle. Might be involuntary. I must most definitely ask him out tomorrow...

Now, today's colloquium (which is fortunately no longer mandatory) had one of the summer school organisers as the guest lecturer. She's been here for 3 weeks and she'll be leaving soon, or so I gather. She has to be at another seminar, one SmTn intends to attend. So gears started turning in my head, and crazy thoughts crossed my mind. I could maybe ask her to give SmTn his gift, if I had it ready. And I could buy her a bag of nice tea as a thank you gift. For the delivery and the bike money. The only thing stopping me is the thought that I might come off as a stalker, and there's a not negligible chance that SmTn will want nothing to do with me soon enough. It would be a bit too ridiculous. If he does't mind and does give me an address, though, I could try and make arrangements if I ever hear of a professor attending a seminar he's also attending. It just might work. So there, I have a plan B. And I may already have started thinking of what to write on the letter that would go with the gifts, but really I'd better leave that aside while I figure out whether or not to buy the damned bag.


I had a dream about SmTn. I thought I was quite done with those. In my dream I was with my sister, looking up an address. I was looking for his address, to be precise. We arrived at a building where lots of people had rooms. It might have been a bit like a hotel, because there was a landlady and someone else like a butler trying to take a dinner order for a very sad looking middle aged woman (French, perhaps?). I noticed several people from his little patch in the world, and as we neared the last room we could look for, and it turned out it wasn't his (we'd overlooked it, somehow) I saw him outside, talking with someone. I think I called out his name, but I don't know if anything else happened.

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

A few observations

I don't intend to dwell on the subject of EBF, so I'll get the observations about him out of the way first. Today I noticed he's a tiny bit shorter than me. I'm not sure if that's always been the case. I could've sworn he was a tiny bit taller than me. Some cheap psychology is trying to tell me it might be me thinking less of him or something. Not sure how plausible that is, but I just might've grown a couple of cms. I don't know, really. On another note, I noticed he smells different. The distinctive smell I used to recognise him by is gone. He smells like chinese people do, and I don't know if I can blame the food or if there's more to it. Either way, see if I care.

Have I mentioned 2 is in class with me? And that he doesn't smell good like he used to? Quite the contrary, lately I've found he reeks a little, which sucks because he usually sits in front of me.

The rough patch of skin on SmTn's left hand I thought was a blister? Not so. I forgot to mention that (not that it would've been important enough to make it into the last post). When I told him that's what I remembered (because I felt rude pointing out he has stains on his teeth, which I assume are from drinking too much coffee) about him, he said it's from lifting weights. You'd think I could've made the connection earlier, but it sort of surprised me to hear he lifts weights. Sheesh, woman, people aren't born that big. Get a clue, would you? Of course he lifts weights. I hadn't figured it makes hands rough, either, but it only makes sense. It makes how soft his fingers are all the more significant.

I think I might be getting a case of the diabetes here. The off sleeping schedule could be to blame for the drowsiness, except sometimes I just don't feel sleepy at all and stay up to silly hours in the morning. Yesterday and today, though? Raging headaches starting around noon. Yesterday it wore off after a bit, but today I'm not feeling so good. I had a nap after lunch and woke up with the same headache. Also, apparently there's thirst to consider. For a while there, the body's first reaction to how too much sugar thickens up the blood is to water it down making you thirsty. Which in turn makes you pee a lot. I'm not 100% sure about losing weight just yet, because my cheeks are starting to look a bit less full, but I've yet to weigh in and figure out if there are any odd changes there. It would really be awful to have a case of the diabetes. Think of all the candies I can't eat!

I've been having the most peculiar reflections about destiny and fate lately. There's my uncle and aunt's very generous offer, and how that made me want to graduate sooner (which won't happen) and how that turned into going off to summer school and meeting SmTn. Good heavens I wrote his name in full... I don't think it had happened before, not since I came up with the name code. It's funny because going away is exactly the thing that won't allow something crazy like getting a degree where he lives, which isn't a very good excuse but it's a good reason why things won't work out. I've realised everything else would work in our favour, rather than against us. Even the fact that he exercises so much and is so outdoors-y is a nice kind of opposite I'd benefit from, not to mention it would be nice to spoil him every so often with indoors guilty pleasures: cooking for him, watching a movie, and just lying next to each other. Enough. I'll be reminded of the wound I'm trying to heal here.

So, an interesting turn of events has me going away to summer school, a place where I expected to be stuck with lonely nerds in isolation. A place where I expected to be bored to the verge of insanity and to stay pretty much by myself all the time. Turns out I made friends. Turns out I met nice people. The lonely nerds I feared were there all right, it was just so nice to find that they were a minority. More so, it was very refreshing to not only be able to make friends but to be considered quite cool in the group. It's so nice to see how they all respect my boundaries, even though it's quite all right because I widened them a lot during summer school and extend that to whenever I'm with them. It was this unexpectedly nice socialisation which had me going out.

When I was almost spent, you know what had me going out anyway? The fact that my computer had broken down and I had nothing else to do sitting around the house all by myself. That's why I ended up meeting SmTn. I wouldn't have had nearly enough practice talking to strangers, leave alone getting used to being considered cool. It wouldn't have played out the way it did if I'd had my computer. It restricted my access to LesMisGuy and I couldn't even hope to talk to him while he was online because I was on borrowed time. If I'd had a hint of anything indicating things would work out with LesMisGuy I would've thought it too crazy to run after SmTn to say goodbye, even if I did so mostly out of a sense of duty. I know I was worried about egg breath, I knew there was more to it. It simply wouldn't have happened the way it did...

To go back to the point I was trying to make, it's peculiar. It's also remarkable how things are turning out with LesMisGuy. Ok, maybe not so much. Really, if he was interested from the beginning he would've come up with a way for us to meet again. It just so happens I left for summer school and when I got back he wasn't back from his trip either. His timing is actually pretty spot on. It's just... well, it's funny it should happen after I get a major ego boost from everything that happened with SmTn. It's funny it should all happen when I had made myself used to the idea that he probably has a gf and it wouldn't make a difference because maybe I'm not so enthused about him. Mark my words, I'm still interested. He's still lovely, and gorgeous. And he still knows a lot of things, and has a delightful sense of humour. I'm just suddenly able to take it easy and hold back the drama queen. I don't fret nearly as much when I talk to him. Ultimately, if he's interested, it just might be the right attitude. He's so easygoing, you know? A good dose of perspective and the resulting Zen attitude would work wonders.

And yet... well, I'm still keeping this all in the realm of the tiny possibilities. I don't know if LesMisGuy fancies me. I'd have the good sense to be thrilled if he does, but I'm trying to be reasonable assuming he probably just enjoys my company (and who am I kidding, I really enjoy his company too). Maybe that's all there is to wanting to go out with me. In the event that he fancies me... I ... well... uh... I would want it to play out and work out. I'd play along, I'd let him lead and then I'd follow. I'd love to be his girlfriend. And then I'd feel a bit guilty. The timing would be good, because SmTn and I already agreed nothing's going to happen, right? However, if things work out with LesMisGuy I'd feel like I owed SmTn an explanation. The thought of asking for his permission is only a tad bit too ridiculous, but you get my drift, right? I tell him I'm moved, and I'm genuinely heartbroken by how things won't work out, and then I run off with LesMisGuy. It looks bad. It could come out as being spiteful on my part (which it's not, that wouldn't acknowledge how big a crush I had on LesMisGuy before meeting SmTn). It could hurt SmTn's feelings and I would hate myself for it. You've no idea. Silly double standards, yes (what with him having a girlfriend already and all). Reasonable, sort of. True, so very.

In any case, even if things work out that way and I go out with LesMisGuy this weekend, there's no certainty that he's interested. Leave alone certainty that he'll make a move. Even if he does, it could be a stretch until it's official and I can safely say we're together. By then, in case that has a chance of turning into an awkward facebook relationship status update, I should've had time to talk to SmTn... He'll be back this weekend, right? If it's already happened maybe I'll mention I went out with this guy... Oh dear, it sounds horrible already... But I can't tell him it's one of the wonderful men I call friends and I've suddenly decided to be with. Maybe I can say something along the lines of "I'm not sure how, but realising things won't work out with you made things work out with this other guy. It doesn't mean I didn't mean everything I told you. I still mean it. It doesn't mean I don't care about this other guy, I had a crush on him long before I even met you. It's just the way things have played out. Please be ok with it."

Aaand I'm getting carried away. It's just been on my mind for a while now. I needed it down in words so I can try and make sense of it.

I don't know what was the last time I said it, if I said it at all before, but I'm an agnostic, right? I don't really believe in any god. Which is not the same as saying I'm an atheist and believe in no such thing as a ruling force other than the laws of physics. Maybe I'm too lazy to want to find meaning in strings theory (or whatever the right theory of everything turns out to be). Maybe I need a little more magic than the complicated derivations that would predict things that have happened so coincidentally up until now. Until I change my mind about those things, I believe in luck and irony. Luck as the inexplicable turn of events that beats the odds. Irony as the way things always happen when everything points at the fact that they won't.

I noticed that since around the time I left for summer school and since I got back, my luck has been a tiny bit better than usual, if my regular difficult spider games are any indication. I found that in particular on my first days back (which match the days around the big e-mail from SmTn) I won a lot of games. Can't seem to win quite as often today, for instance. In my twisted mind I figure it's all the same "brand" of luck. Whatever made me lucky enough to meet SmTn makes me lucky at winning card games. Yes, silly superstitions. Let me have a little harmless fun.

Back to these fate and destiny hunches... something tells me SmTn won't be letting me ship the bag. Maybe I wasn't supposed to buy it in the first place. I'm keeping R1 as a back up plan, though. I'll send the money and ask him to send the bag. I'll find a way to ship it. I've even found a couple of on-the-side occasional jobs in campus and applied for them. With those I should be able to afford the shipping, no prob. There just might be something to it, though. I keep thinking any time now SmTn will suddenly disappear, and frankly I'm quite sure my e-mails might have something to do with it, even with muffled dramaticality. Come now... I knew this would happen, it's all a matter of coming to terms with it. There are so many other things to worry about, like whether or not I'll be able to pay for next semester's tuition, and whether or not I'll manage to get a degree if I manage. *sigh*
I really don't know what I'm doing here. I'm still not working on anything productive. I really should, and I can't. I can't bring myself to be useful.

One last annotation: while talking about SmTn seems to trigger some jealousy and apathy, N1 seems more eager to hear about developments with LesMisGuy. It makes me wonder if she's not morbidly waiting for it to fail spectacularly. As for A? She'll ease into it soon enough. All it takes is the right number of drinks around the right people. Hopefully she'll be smart about it and it will remain a fun experience for her to come back and tell me about. I even promise not to be pettily jealous of the fact that she'll be getting some and I'll be getting none. I've already had more than I could ask for, and that includes LesMisGuy having called to ask me out.

Today's high and low lights

Mostly low, I reckon. My sister being stuck tagging along? Lowlight. Her insistence on staying behind looking at crappy displays she was interested in from a designer's point of view? Lowlight. The way she kept getting in the way of EBF and me as we walked? Lowlight. The fact that EBF wasn't particularly fun to be around? Lowlight. EBF needing only the subtlest hints to know why I was looking for a gift? Highlight. EBF not keeping his trap shut around my sister even though I'd told him she knew nothing? Lowlight. Him leaving early? Lowlight. EBF asking if we'd turned my little one into a carpet or something? There are no words. NONE! It took a lot to not spit at him, break into tears or give up on talking to him ever again.

Tuesday, 16 August 2011


Class was uneventful. Upon arriving to the first class today I realised I was right behind LesMisGuy but he didn't really notice me until he stopped to look if the professor had arrived yet. I greeted him and said I'd go inside and take a seat. He went to buy coffee and when he got back (is it weird I could smell him coming in?) he sat on the other side of the classroom. Just as well, really. Then I made my way to fight the stupidly ineffective bureaucracy that won't let me present my thesis this semester and he was there, at the maths department. He said he'd noticed me and remembered he has to sign his contract. We chatted a bit and when they called me in again he waited for me outside (though there had been no agreement for that). We stayed together until it was time for our next classes and at the very last moment I asked what he'd called for. Turns out he'd called to see if I wanted to go out with him and do something. Huh... I suppose I'll give him a call on Friday night. Seems about right, no?

If I may now... EBF will be my partner in crime to go buy the gift, I mentioned that, right? Well, now my sister's tagging along and I'll need to somehow buy the gift while she's not looking. Also? EBF's now telling me he has to be in campus by lunch time. I almost feel like calling the whole thing off, you know? Between how stupid it is, how in the middle of the way it is, how inconvenient it will be to have my sister around and how EBF will be in a hurry to leave... well... I wonder if he'd rather simply not go, in which case I'd rather he didn't come either. And then I feel a little offended by the fact that he's running off for lunch even though my initial proposal sort of included something to eat while we were looking for the gift. Yes, he's on a tight schedule... whatever. If it comes down to that I'll just say I didn't find anything and let him go as soon as I can, without my sister finding out about any of it. I'll try an internet purchase or asking R1 to send one.

I'm suddenly not feeling too excited about tomorrow. That leaves Thursday, in case I get to talk to LesMisGuy. And Friday, because I just might ask him out on Friday.

Monday, 15 August 2011

Some way to end the streak

For some reason, it's as if SmTn had agreed about on the same day not to think (as much) of each other. I haven't been dreaming of him. As a last note on that until he gets back and I talk to him (or find a partner in crime to go buy the bag with me), I wanted to point out something that occurred to me last night as I told A about things: SmTn saying he wants to keep a distance and not invest himself in this, lest he gets his heart broken, was like finding out Santa Claus isn't real. Except the first time around it was a lot less traumatic. You get the idea, though.

On to my dreams from last night. I had a dream where I met with the lady who helped with the cleaning and housework at the house we stayed in during the summer school period. It was supposed to be her, anyway. We sort of got the burnt pots a bit cleaner, but then the cleaning process ruined some of them a bit. For some reason LesMisGuy was there. It all started with L3, CtThumbe and other girls running around a building complex, trying to find the apartment of a girl they knew, waiting to surprise her. I was in on it even though I didn't know the girl. When we went in, the lady who helped clean our house was there. I'm not sure where LesMisGuy came into the picture, but I know he was there in the kitchen while I tried to help clean the pots. Apparently, he'd come to try and be near me. It failed miserably at first because I was busy with the pots, but he found a way to help me with that.

For some reason, the lady had us go buy groceries at an ugly place not unlike the places we'd go buy fruits and vegetables in town. This time I think it was A and N1 who were with me. I tried to pick out some courgettes the size and shape of pencils, cutting off the edges, cleaning them up a bit and leaving them in a bag. A and N1 picked other groceries, or were supposed to. Next thing I know the bag I was placing my courgettes in had dirty other things inside, and a pile of uncut, not very neat courgettes was waiting for me to pack them because A and N1 had picked them out. It was a while after this that we went back to the lady's kitchen, only to find a dead woman under the sink. She'd been dead for days. Because he's always at the back of my head lately I figured only SmTn could help us move the body, but that was the extent of him being in my dream.

In some other dream I was working with CtThumbe and some guy in a sort of interview documentary. The two of them had already shot some of it and I was with CtThumbe in a place that reminds me of Arc's house, waiting for the other guy. He didn't arrive so we started filming. Then there were a lot of lost calls from him, and we figured he must've been right outside, but he never came in and I'm not too sure what happened next. I remember a fridge full of small jars and bags, all of them filled with about 2-3 glasses' worth of juice. Except some of them were blue-green. I know there was something about LesMisGuy in this dream, for there was a man who was a father, and he discussed learning tools and things belonging to whatever category Teletubbies belong to. Next thing I know they're asking LesMisGuy if he's able to easily recognise when a girl is following some bullshit guru's advice. Don't know what happened there.

Bottom line... a dead woman, groceries, and LesMisGuy's into me. In my dreams.

Sunday, 14 August 2011


I had a dream about R1 last night. I ran into him on Friday, you see. He told me he was dropping out and going to Ctg for a semester because of some family emergency. That finally kicked into the old psyche and turned into a dream about him. I dreamt that someone close to him had died, and people from school1 were there waiting to go into the church to pay their respects. So odd...

On other news, I gave in and sent SmTn an e-mail. I only kept two, maybe three, paragraphs from the one I typed in the firs place, though. Tried to keep it short. Only wrote an additional paragraph and turned one (the gift paragraph) into a postscript. If all goes well I didn't so much fuck up more as backpedal the old fuck up. Maybe. I'm still feeling very sad about it. I just can't bring myself to admit it.

Saturday, 13 August 2011

*le finnish sigh*

Puns intended. Not funny, though.

SmTn was online a while ago. Ok, he was online pretty much all afternoon and stuck around talking to me until a while ago. And he's going away on a trip (the second trip he told me about, which he didn't actually go on). For about a week.

He'd gotten back a few days ago. He'd seen my e-mails. He'd chosen to stay distant. And he's right to, really. I should be more rational, I should be more reasonable. I should be sensible. He's being sensible. He explained: since he had his heart broken he hadn't felt as strongly about anyone as he does about me. And yet he's not willing to follow through on this flirtation thing and get it broken by me, selfish as that may seem. I had a hunch. I knew this couldn't be. I knew better than to get my hopes up. I knew he'd decide against it. I knew I didn't stand a chance. I was always the little something something on the side and I suck at it. Why can't I wrap my head around it, then? Why do I keep hope stashed under the rug? Why do I come up with impossible scenarios where I run off to meet him? Why can't I just be reasonable and sensible like he is? Why would I press on if it can only get his feelings hurt? 

Why can't I let go?

I tried being reasonable and I tried to say I'm good with it. I tried to keep some distance. For all of 60 seconds or so. Then I tried to plea with him. I told him to try and keep an open mind, in case in a few years' time I somehow manage to go meet him. It's almost as pathetic as it was to plead with D when he first tried to break up with me. I take rejection terribly. It really doesn't sit well with me. To think he was always so sweet about it. To think he's always so sweet about everything. To think he's so fucking perfect. Always. Fuck.

You'd think that I would've had time to realise how stupid it was to want to send him something. I didn't have enough time. I offered. He may or may not have said something, my internet broke down. I insisted. He asked if it wasn't too expensive. I insisted yet again because I'm a lost cause. I'm looking at the shipping fees now, and it's very expensive... before I add the cost of the actual gift. I'm such an idiot. I'm sure a shrink would have a field day with this. How I somehow try to buy affection when all hope is lost or something.

I even mentioned how my mum's friend married a Swede. For all I know, he must think I'm trying to snatch myself a scandinavian husband! It must look so bad! It must look so desperate! I'm awful! I'm ashamed of myself! I just had to fuck it up, didn't I? I just had. to. fuck. it. all. up. I almost want to drop off the face of the Earth. And he's so nice! He offered to send a postcard from his trip to Norway. Damn it! Damn it! Damn it a thousand times over!
I can't really wait for my mum's friend to come over to send the gift, unless he really doesn't mind one bit when I send it. Except she only just came. And the semester has just begun... I wonder if the kids won't be coming soon... And then I realise that the girl was here not long ago, we just never really heard about it. She left pictures posted on facebook. Oh dear... I do believe I've gone mad. Bonkers. Utterly insane. I've lost my mind. And can't even afford to make good use of it before it's completely gone: I haven't worked one bit all day. It's ridiculous. Why did we have to meet again?

It's so odd, you know. Once the coincidences add up, you have to factor in the fact that I wouldn't have gone to the summer school if I weren't in a hurry to graduate so I can go to my aunt's place and get the master's degree. A tiny bit uncanny, really.

By the way, LesMisGuy never wrote back. Most likely just misdialed. I'll just paint my nails now. I need to be distracted.

[10:54pm edit]
You know, EBF was right. He was way ahead of me the whole time. SmTn is, ultimately, the one that got away. It was pointless to pretend there could be more to it. Why is it that even with help, even with the answer right before my eyes weeks ago I only just now catch up to it? Even after catching up to it, I still want to write e-mails. I still want to drop everything and run to him. I still want to send the bloody bag even if it costs me the dollars I've got stashed away and am not supposed to use. Damn it all a thousand times over!

I'm sure it's just the hormones getting the best of me now, but I almost want to cry, you know?

Subject: Maths

Remember Dedekind cuts? This is my attempt at approximating everything irrational through rational things. I'm drawing a real line here, one I can't allow myself to cross. Beyond lies an imaginary world only physically possible in quantum scales. Scales about as tiny as the probability measure of the set of "chances of this here thing working out in a 'more than friends' scenario."

I'm bad at sports, you know that. I'm sort of running here, trying to catch up with my feelings and failing miserably. By the time I'm close to catching up I've already done something silly. You couldn't tell, but I've been telling myself after our first conversation that I really should just stick to maths and whatever other regular subjects of conversation when we talk. You can tell something gets the best of me and I can't really stick to that. Sometimes all it takes is a sweet remark from you, and the resident hopeless romantic takes over. She doesn't know the workings of the real world. She doesn't know the maths I know. She doesn't understand the way probability works.

I shouldn't have made the silly plea. Forget I ever made it. You're sensible, as well as sensitive, and I did my best to respect that for all of 60 seconds before I let the crazy slip through my fingers without proper censorship. This is me trying to extend that 60 second period. File under "platonic friends," label: "the one that got away." You're not the first wonderful man I meet (a few of them I'm lucky to call friends), but you're the first one to move me.

Away from the spot where I stood unmoved, I'm not sure where I am, but there are places to get to and I can't tread the middle ground. It's bumpy, slippery, hazy, I'm clumsy and we both know I couldn't handle Igq. This is even more difficult. For all I know, there are gaping pits everywhere and there's really nowhere to go. I may not get hurt too badly, but it will wear me out, confuse me and drive me crazy. It's best I go back to where I was.

For what it's worth, if you read it, you might want to forget the e-mail before this one. In the end I figure it does more harm than good.

The gift is still going your way if you will have it and send me your address. That one's my way of making up for the guy who ripped you off, while saying "you mean a lot to me, it's nice knowing you." I'm bad with feelings,and I find thoughtful gifts are a good substitute for whatever it is I'm supposed to do to show my feelings. They're usually reserved for good friends on their birthdays and other special occasions. Since I don't really know your birthday I'll just pretend yours is a Christmas present or many unbirthday presents put together. No need for gifts in return, I don't expect any because gifts don't really work that way for other people.

I promise not to make such corny use of maths in the future and will restrict their use to academic and entertaining purposes. Maybe I'll find out what's up with the Atiyah-Singer index theorem seminar and I'll try and fill you in. I do have a lot of spare time. I doubt you'll be interested in discussing elementary differential geometry with a side of a first course in topology, or in group representation theory.



[1:46am edit]
What do you know, I just caught up with my feelings. As it turns out, I'm feeling miserable. I can't just blame the hormones, I actually feel awful. Once the impossibility kicks in, all the too good to be true turns against me and I'm suddenly feeling melancholic, lonely, helpless, hopeless, I even dare say heartbroken. SmTn knew better. He jumped ship on time. I didn't. I even asked him to hang on a while longer in case it didn't crash. Curious, when you consider he crashed a boat with his friends while he was at his friend's summer cottage. No one got hurt. I'm hurt. I need a hug so badly. The song playing on repeat? It's the a cappella version of "Libertango" done by the Swingle Singers.

Streak broken

No more dreams about SmTn, it would seem. I have this nagging idea in my head that I won't be seeing more e-mails from him either. My dreams last night involved Tracy Morgan, who was involved with the mob and was trying to avenge (or maybe just find?) a younger sibling. Also, a trip to the dentist and a horrible reminder of what it was like to have braces and to have the wire slip out of the thing holding it at my back molars.

If I may, I'll venture a wild guess

I've been perusing through pictures of SmTn. The ones he's posted online, at any rate. I want to venture a wild guess, based on his appearance alone. I think he got his heart broken sometime in 2009. Late 2009 to early 2010. Just wanted to throw that in there, somewhere. I'm a little restless. I won't indulge in writing down the crazy thoughts racing through my mind simply because I want to see if they're still around once I've had time to sleep. Maybe I just need time to settle down and somehow LesMisGuy's call has shook me up a tiny bit more than I think.

Curious, isn't it?

Dry lips. I tried to open my mouth and suddenly my lip hurts, so I look around for the mint oil and beeswax lip balm. I look in my bag and fish my phone out while I look. I didn't find the lip balm, my lips still hurt. You know what I did find, though? A missed call from LesMisGuy. Around 8pm (7:44pm, to be exact). Whatever do you suppose that means? I'll see if I see him online tomorrow to ask him, or else sometime around lunch time (I probably won't be up earlier, and I'd hate to wake him up) I'll send a text message or maaaybe ring him back. Worst case scenario he fucked up trying to call someone else, but there just might be something to it now, and I'm curious.

Friday, 12 August 2011

The stuff I wasn't writing while I ranted

1. Vc started a very old-school (quite literally) post on my wall with a link to Salad Fingers. A conversation ensued which left me giggling, wondering about what bypassers might think. I pointed it out to EBF. Next thing you know Vc is suggesting the three of us get together and... uh... maybe not, you know? EBF said he was in, if we made arrangements. No such arrangements have been made on my side. I don't really look forward to seeing any of them. I don't need to see them to know it won't be at all like it used to be and then I'll most likely just be very disappointed.

2. A came by last night. It was a farewell reunion of sorts, since she's leaving until January and all. We watched Breakfast at Tiffany's and ordered pizza. I showed her pictures of the trip. She pointed out SmTn looks like Ken. Hehehe... Breakfast at Tiffany's was actually very good, you know? Got me to re-evaluate Audrey Hepburn. She just shouldn't have played Eliza Doolitttle, that was clearly Julie Andrews' part, Holly Golightly, though? Brilliant. The pizza was nice. The conversation... well, not particularly so. She stuck around after the film while we looked up YouTube videos. I introduced her to my playlists. We won't be meeting right before her departure on Sunday. That's quite alright with me. She's expected to be with Dg and I'm sure she'll be expecting something to happen, which likely enough won't.

She hinted at us looking after her dog while she was away with her parents, saying her cleaning lady couldn't keep him for so long. You know what? I don't want to. It's not just the fact that it's her dog, that their first choice is the cleaning lady and that she's mentioning this to me because no relative will offer to take care of him. It's not that I don't like her dog, he's very sweet. It's more a matter of "I can't live with a dog" and her dog in particular requires a lot more care than I'm willing to give for a dog that's not my own. I'm sorry. I can't do it.

3. AOB just called. Asked if I was around campus so we could hang out. I'm not. We can't. He asked about the trip. I said it was good. I said I'd tell him all about it when we get a chance to meet. He might have disclosed something about having perused through what pictures he could. I'll make nothing of that. I don't actually look forward to telling him about the trip, and I'm suddenly wondering if I should tell him about SmTn. For some reason, the idea is more tempting than it should be. In the back of my mind I'm wondering if it won't make AOB give up on me, in the event of him actually having a thing for me in the first place. He'll know he's no competition for SmTn. Not if I point out that he's getting his PhD. Not if I point out that he's unbelievably sweet. Not after he sees pictures of him. And that's just evil of me. It really is. I could go without saying anything at all, and then I wonder just how much to make out of the fact that I'd be withholding such important information from AOB. I still do sort of care about him, you know.

4. Have I said it yet? I can't really talk to A or N1 about SmTn. They're a little jealous (rightly so, to be honest) and don't ever seem very willing to let me tell them how wonderful he is. Which is awful, since that leaves me out of people to tell about SmTn to.

5. Incidentally, I don't remember my dreams from last night, so I just may have broken my SmTn dreaming streak. Still can't stop thinking about him, though. I even wrote yet another e-mail and left it in the drafts folder. Come tomorrow around lunch time, if I still want to send it I will. I really want to send it but I want to give myself time to ponder whether or not to send it, what with it making me come across a little desperate and all. I just want to talk to him again, you know? I miss him. I keep wondering what it would be like to lie in bed next to him. Just lie there, looking into his eyes. It's awful, isn't it? A nagging thought lies in the back of my head telling me he'll grow bored soon enough. He'll realise he's just not that into me. He'll suddenly be aware of the fact that it was just a silly infatuation. And I'll be very sorry for it, but I sort of already know it and can see it coming. Nevertheless I fantasise about him surprising me and coming, showing up at one of the colloquia or just walking around campus. I wonder just how impossible it is for us to have a future.

6. Didn't talk to LesMisGuy yesterday. Not even a brief hello. He was sitting next to ExamGuy at the end of the classroom opposite to the door and I sat in front of the door, lest I be stuck closing it, hoping he'd sit ahead of me. I didn't realise he was sitting elsewhere until about an hour had gone by. Not that it matters much, but it would be nice to at least get to say hello, you know? Then during the colloquium I saw L3 and greeted her, but we didn't really talk. She left in a hurry. I didn't know if I should try and wait for LesMisGuy but opted against it. Then later the chaos that is this city ensued. And then I got here, and met with A, and then I wrote the rant, and the e-mail I want to send, and then I fell asleep.

Not all at once, please

There is only everything wrong with this city, you know? I already knew it's crap. I realise that being away from civilisation with civilised, smart, polite people heightens my perception of just how crappy it is. Even then, I have to say it's gotten a lot worse. It's... well, it's everything.

Transportation is a nightmare. Petty crimes are the rage and the police can't keep up. Courtesy, civility, good manners and even common sense have abandoned the city. The way this is going, it can only get worse.

There's the problem of stupid people being stupid. And it's a problem everywhere, but stupid people are still usually capable of following simple instructions. Not so here, no sir. Here stupid people are also unbelievably selfish and can't seem to understand that when they follow simple rules we all win, which would include them, too. Take today's mess. So everyday people jump on buses before they get a chance to change their routes because that way they get to score sweet seats before the bus comes back full from the real first station. Turns out not all buses take the route they usually do once a given one is over. No. Sometimes buses just don't do shit or go elsewhere, see if I know. Sometimes, you're not supposed to try and cheat the system. And yet people today got a damned bus full even though they weren't supposed to go into it, and the bus station was packed. People were outside waiting to come in because people couldn't get out to make room. And the people in the bus needed to get out so it could get on its way. There were buses behind it. Buses we were allowed to get on. They took so long deciding to get out (and even then not all of them got out) that we missed 5-7 buses. Perfectly good, empty buses.

As if that weren't enough people outside yelled and suggested that they don't get off the bus. Like it's somehow going to fix anything. Yes, we're all well aware of the fact that the system has collapsed and a lot more buses are necessary to make up for it (if only in the short term). No, taking an empty bus that's needed elsewhere isn't going to make up for the low bus supply. No, it won't get anyone home sooner. No, a bloody seat isn't worth making people wait for 20 more minutes because you've all got your head stuck up too far up your asses.

That's not all, though. There's also the matter of buses that don't arrive empty. Buses that don't arrive empty have people in them. People who have arrived at their destination. People who need to get out of the bus. People who're taking up room for as long as they're kept inside the bus they no longer have good use for. And yet, in spite of a few civilised fellow's attempts at making way, the mass not only wouldn't budge, but would stampede into the bus. If people took a few steps back trying to make way, you could be sure to find some son of a bitch trying to squeeze in rather than allowing others to get out. And that's without mentioning the fact that there are always morons standing at the doors, not getting on the bus, not getting out of the way, only standing there. Today there was a particularly rude jerk of that kind, and with the bad temper that had been simmering from the earlier events, a girl called him out and got so mad at him she hit him. The jerk was standing at the door, his arms around his girl, and he hit the other girl back. A small fight ensued. Someone dared say that the girl who called the jerk out on his bullshit somehow deserved to be hit.

It's infuriating! I know she shouldn't have started it by hitting the jerk. But he could've not been such an ass to begin with, right? My point being that violence is by all means wrong. You just don't break out into angry spurts and hit strangers in crowds because you're mad and they irk you. You just don't justify hitting someone. You just don't justify hitting a woman on the same week when the soccer team's director is seen beating a woman up.

That's another subject. He's seen coming out of a bar, and there's multiple witnesses who claim they saw him beating up a female acquaintance of his. Wrong. The media press on, and he has to come out and apologise. Not enough. Sponsors disapprove, and rightly so, the media still disapprove, even soccer fans disapprove. He has to hand in his resignation letter. And yet everything's still wrong. It's the female senators who have to come out and say that violence against women is wrong and cannot be tolerated. Even then, we have our own Sarah Palin here trying to imply that the beating might have been rightly deserved and/or that women got a right to hit back if it seemed fitting. The point is that there should be no such acts of violence, woman! What is wrong with you?! That's why it's not surprising that more than one guy at the national soccer federation decided not to take the resignation letter. It's all rumours. Even if the man actually apologised. They won't take the resignation letter over rumours. Goodness...

All in all, it took me 40min to get in a bus. That's how bad it was. It didn't get any better, though. It just can't get better.

Then there's the fact that the notion of personal space is just missing. There was this guy with his girlfriend standing next to me. I scored a seat when some guy got out of the bus, and it was nice for a short while. But then the guy standing next to me put his bag on his bum and started making out with his girl, his bag pressing against my shoulder. I had to sit very uncomfortably to avoid his bag and his bum and the guy next to me. I didn't even bother saying something because they knew. They noticed. They just didn't care. I didn't want to make a scene. Another guy next to me kept sighing on me. I hate it when people breathe on me. I hate the moist warmth, I hate the smell, I hate it all. I swear I could've killed people today if it didn't require me to be in close contact with them.

I'd probably find that other people deserved it more than today's morons. It's them that let things get so out of hand. Politicians around these parts aren't even smart thieves. Again, it's one of those times where you can't reason beyond selfishness, not even if it can somehow bring better profits. I won't go into details. The administration is crap and everyone knows it. The people who chose the administration don't get enough of what they deserve, apparently, because they keep choosing the same thieves to give their money to. The state that the streets are in contributes to faster deterioration of every vehicle on the streets, leading to even more waste in only too many aspects... I... I don't know what to do anymore. I'd never leave the bed if it were a valid option.