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Sunday, 31 July 2011



More signs that I'm losing it? I just did a google search trying to figure out how long SmTn's trip should take (i.e. how much longer before I officially freak out about him not wanting anything to do with me). Tourist plans take about a week, so I'm giving it two. That's until next weekend. So yeah, come next Monday if I've got nothing I think it would be safe to assume he's not writing back.

Why am I getting all of these ideas? Why do I even care that it's such a happy place to live in? Why do I wonder what it would be like to have him at family reunions here? Why do I browse through pictures looking for him? Why? Why? WHY?!

I've had it. I can't stand myself. I can't. I'm such a cliché. I'm that stereotypical woman who tries to imagine marriage and children on the first date. Except I have so little to go on. And realistic expectations are... well... I suppose none of it can really happen. I just wish so badly that it would. The fact that there are so many coincidences and strokes of luck in the way everything has added up to this point, the fact that he seems so romantic and the fact that I'm an idiot add up to one thing in my twisted mind: maybe it's not so crazy and it's actually possible.

Also a cliché? I still want to write more e-mails. I suppose it's the modern equivalent to leaving tons of phone messages. And it's pathetic. I'll try and avoid it. I do feel tempted to write one saying "You know what? Forget about the other e-mails, I want to talk to you for real."

You know what doesn't help? I'm a sucker for romance, right? Well, lately there are so many news about gay marriage and gay rights. There's gay marriages now being legal in New York, and there's also gay couples being considered a family here. That's huge. It's a tiny step, but it's a step in the right direction. Next step will be calling their union "marriage" and allowing them to adopt. Then I also saw some pictures of the first marriages in New York. And I read an essay about why allowing gay marriage is, simply put, allowing people a personal pursuit of happiness. I'm all teary-eyed and in the mood for romance. Which brings me back to SmTn. It's a mess... I'm a mess... And a messy cliché. Awful. And awfully embarrassing.

Might I just add... I don't know if I actually said it before, but many a girl would agree: SmTn was easily the hottest guy at the summer school. Some girls would point out two of the professors were hot, but then I'd have to say they only had debonair manners about them. Even then, some were quite quick to point out that SmTn is a little overweight. It was argued when I told my room mate that N1 thought he looked like a model. Looking at enough pictures, I sort of agree, and then, you know what? I don't actually care. He's no more overweight than I am. Which is to say we could both probably lose a few pounds here and there but we're fine. And he's damn fine. Which totally doesn't matter. Because I somehow managed to blank that out while I was with him.

Looking through the pictures, there's another thing I couldn't help noticing: my overall appearance was not so unlike Snape's. Who am I kidding? I looked exactly like Snape. Minus the oily hair. Except on some days, at night. Add pimples, no make up, so little upkeep... How the fuck did men fall for me in the first place, leave alone so many of them. How did SmTn fall for me? Can I trust the hopeless romantic? I might have to make further inquiries if SmTn writes back. And even then there's a good chance that it would be inappropriate...


Get a hold of yourself, linaThumbe! Real life is waiting and there's shit that needs to get done, damn it! Really, what are the chances? Yes, I know, the chances were slim before. That just means they're even slimmer once compounded. Plus, he just might be broken...

But he's so sweet! And so nice! Do you suppose he's got a moving backstory? Perhaps a history of acne/overweight? Is that why he's so nice? Does it not seem unlikely for him to have lived life looking like a jock and not acting like one, not one bit? There's not even remnants left... Then, he said something about being able to be himself around me, do anything around me. Maybe he's a jerk when he's not around me. Except he wasn't a jerk to anyone, and there were over a hundred of us. He's not a jerk... He's lovely. There's no way he was a jerk, ever! Was he not shy around me? Was he not hesitant? Was he not so incredibly sweet?

I think it's definitely the duality that gets to me: he looks like a typical alpha male, but he's harmless. If anything, he might be a little fragile.

Why am I so obsessed with him? Why?

[1:50am edit]
Couldn't help myself. I looked up the university, and then looked around their webpage. It would seem they're doing nothing until September 1st, which gives SmTn another 4 weeks off. Possibly on a road trip. Fuck. I need to stop obsessing.

Saturday, 30 July 2011

Fast forward however-long-it-takes-SmTn-to-write-back (even if that's "forever")

Might go a little cuckoo if he doesn't write back in two weeks or so. For one, I regret that I took so long to write back. And then I regret that I wrote what I did and hit send anyway. Couple of reasons for that: for one, I didn't wait to hear back from EBF, I was too impatient; and then there's the issue of how it took me a week to actually understand (sort of, I hope) what SmTn actually had in mind when he wrote his last e-mail. *sigh*

To think I was absolutely cool about SmTn. Except I realise, looking back, that I hoped to see him on that Friday night. And I wore a tiny bit of make up, and braided my hair. I wonder if I'm really being so slow to catch up. Or if I'm even capable of such a suave nature. No I'm not. Must be the slow thing. And the hopeless romantic in me. I'm trying to find so much meaning in this, I actually know it's ridiculous. This is all to say, I know it's just too good to be true, but isn't it all... well... too good? Of course it's too good to be true (or be at all), he's a continent away and taken, not to mention a number of other things I may not know about him. Nevertheless, isn't it just too romantic?

We meet, have a not-particularly-meaningful conversation, he falls for me. And he falls for the way I laugh and the way he feels around me, as opposed to the crap I get from passers-by on the streets every day. There was just something about me and it wasn't my looks. I hope it's something about me indeed, and not about some person he thinks he sees in me. The way he sought me out after talking so little, the way I sought him out unconsciously. The fact that he climbed a mountain. The fact that he was shy and nervous around me. The fact that his room was number 13 (which, if I remember correctly, is non-existent in most western hotels). The fact that we met quite so at random. It's too romantic. And that's without mentioning his e-mails. He's too sweet... if ever I knew a person who deserved the name, he's it: he's a sweetheart.

So... before I go mad and send another e-mail, which would most certainly make me look (even more) desperate, I'll just leave it here. How about it? Maybe I'll even jokingly say some of the things I want to say here when I talk to him. If I talk to him. If he gets back to me. If he's in any way serious about keeping in touch.

Without further ado...

Sweetheart (if there ever was one, it's yours)

PPPPS: Do forgive any and all corniness in my last e-mails. It's a good thing I don't intend to write for a living, for, as you can probably tell, communication is really not my forte. I may have good grammar and spelling but I certainly do not have a way with words. Or people, for that matter. Not that they're anything alike. I'm straying off subject...

I feel silly about the e-mails I sent. Not because I said things I didn't mean, by all means I mean every thing I said. Rather because I don't think I managed to convey any of the things I meant to mean. Which is to say... I hope you can take me seriously, without thinking I'm crazy, and still like me. Even though I'm not sure what you'd do liking me in the first place. Which brings me to a conversation I hope to have with you at some point.

Look, I don't know what it is you saw in me. I don't know how you grew so fond of me, leave alone so quickly. Nevertheless, I'm moved by it. I'm moved by the fact that you like me in a way no one else had before: your way seems a bit more raw, pure, sweet, honest. Had I realised any of this on time I would've tried to make a move while you were around, by all means I should have. All I had to go on was a sense of duty. And romanticism. And hunches. I was late, and I don't know if it's too late altogether, because I wish there was more to this.

I realise now that you were probably just trying to get the crush out of your system. I realise now that you're the kind of man who sees no point in hiding his feelings, and moreover feels the need to express them. I'm afraid I understand this and rationally try to push my own boundaries so I can be as honest as you are, but it's hard for me. If it's hard for you too then ... well... just... wow. If I may... I know you're a bit more committed than I am to this here thing I can't put a name on. It seems that way anyway, and you seem quite so pure and honest at heart I have a hard time believing it's not the case. I felt little more than that sense of duty I talked about. Even when you told me about that connection I didn't quite understand. I just felt inadequate, lost in translation, wanting to understand something I didn't really feel.

That was then. This is now. I've read your e-mails, and, when I think about it, you had me at "I like the way you laugh." I should've known better than to leave you hanging like that. If my body language were any easier to read, if I'd been a bit more open to you, if I'd fallen for you before, I could've somehow let on that I like you. I'm sure you needed only the faintest sign to actually go for that kiss. I know I wouldn't have refused it, feelings lagging or not. I know you deserved a kiss and we both wanted one. It wasn't completely out of my mind, I just had a very hard time believing the unbelievable. Still do, as a matter of fact. Which is why I keep questioning myself, and everything I think I know.

Some things, however, I just can't wrap my head around. Let's go through this slowly. First of all, what made you like me? How soon did you know you like me? How much did you like me? What drove you to climb a mountain? Why didn't you say something sooner? Were you shy and afraid to do so? I understand. But then you did say a few things. And you could've kissed me, but you didn't. You could've just held me in a long hug, but didn't. I admit my body language can't have been a very good indication of my willingness to allow any of it. I must admit I could have brushed my cheek against your neck and gone for a kiss on that last hug but didn't.

You have a girlfriend. That's... well... it really is beyond me. Do you love her so little that you didn't care and pursued me anyway? I'm not entirely sure why I asked you to give me your e-mail. I'm really not. I mean, I know I wanted to keep in touch, but... I don't know why I wanted to keep in touch at all. I wonder if it's really the fact that I have such a hard time catching up with my feelings. I wonder if I was acting on some kind of instinct, some kind of automatic pilot. I wonder what kind of impulse you were acting on.

I wonder why I felt such an urge to write something, anything. I wonder why you were so quick to be flirty with your response because I know I kept it playful on account of the fact that you're taken. I wonder why you couldn't keep it to yourself any longer and decided to come out and tell me you like(d?) me. What did you expect from me? I was moved. I'm still moved. I'm not sure entirely whether it's the fact that I love your feelings so much of if I truly like you and just took too long to realise it. I know that whatever the case may be I can't stop thinking about you and how sweet you are. I dream about you, about being with you. I fantasise about the ways we could come together again so I could kiss you, so you could hold me in your arms.

But you have a girlfriend! What did you hope to get out of all this? Did you just want to get it out of your system? Could you just get it out of your system? Because now I can't. I need some form of closure and I just don't know how I'm supposed to achieve it because I don't know what my options are. What was I supposed to say to you liking me? That I'm flattered? That would be true, and yet it would sound horrible. I'm humbled, that's more like it. I failed to say that. I can't say I like you the way you like me, but I can say there's an undeniable warmth about you that made me unusually comfortable around you. And I'm uncomfortable around everyone. I wish we'd had more time. I wish I'd had time to like you and know it and show it. I wish you didn't have a girlfriend. Except I should know better. Of course you have a girlfriend. And I can't be comfortable about the way I feel if you do.

I just know it's too much to ask for. I can't ask you to give everything up to come to me because I can't go to you. I can't ask you to break up with your girlfriend so we can pursue an online flirtation that I won't feel guilty about. I can't ask you to give up a flesh and bone girl you can kiss, hold and have sex with because I don't have anything but words to offer in return. Not even pretty words at that. I don't suppose you'd come all the way back just to see me, and if you did, I'm not sure I'd know what to do with it either. Could we have a 2-3 week relationship of sorts (I'm sure you'll still have a girlfriend and I'll still feel it's wrong)? Could it possibly have a future? Do you really want to talk about maths? Why would you want to go on talking to me? Wouldn't you elaborate a bit on what you've already said? Would you answer my questions, please?

If we had enough time together, I think I could actually love you, and I just don't know what to do about it. Do excuse my behaviour. Do excuse my awful wording. Do excuse the fact that I have so much trouble understanding and being understood.

I almost love you,


Friday, 29 July 2011

... I'm so slow, aren't I?

Still kind of desperate to get word of SmTn. Pathetic, of course. You know what's worse, though? I think I just figured, all he wanted was to say what he had to say, then leave it at that. Took me a week. A week. Now I sort of want to take back the e-mail I wrote. And I really want to talk to him. And I want to write other e-mails. And I want to kiss him. And I wish I could get it into my head that it's all silly, because he just had to get it out of his system. And I could've just let him. But no. I had to fall for him. Can't do right by me, can I now?

What is this, a contest?

Whoa. So... I tell A about my adventures with men while I was away for three weeks. You know what she does? She IMs me at 3am. Telling me about wanting to drunkenly make out with Dg. And drunkenly making out. Not with Dg, but with another one of his awful friends. Goodness. It could stop there. Only it doesn't.

I do have to stop, for now. Must go.

[8:03 pm edit]
All right. A made out with awful guy. Mid make out session, he took out his penis. Mind you, they were in a public restroom, making out, drunk. EBF tells me it was sort of called for. I'm still going all Elaine. He took it out? He took IT out! He took it out! A said no. She said she was sorry, but she couldn't, and she left him hanging (or, you know, not). She even had time to laugh in his face, which made him sad (no wonder). They go back to the table, and by the time he gets back he tries to stuff his hand down her pants. She just put his hand away. Her argument? Yes she was horny, yes she wanted to make out, yes she wanted more. Not from him though. Also? She was quite a bit too honest for my comfort telling me she didn't want him fingering her, seeing as it's something she can do by herself, and better. If anything at all, he should only attempt things she can't do on her own. TMI. TMI I tell you. Then she told Dg about it so he'd protect her and she got back home safe and sound.

Now, some cheap psychology. She felt empowered being able to say no. She admitted she wouldn't bother with condoms if she had sex with Dg. She must be fairly annoying to fuck if she's so particular about what her partner should and shouldn't do, or how. I can't believe they were that drunk. I can't believe people can be that horny. Honestly... And then I wonder if this isn't A's way to try and top me and SmTn. Not that you can even compare the situations. Because mine was awesomely romantic. Hers is... gross, to say the least. There's also the issue of her wanting to get the deed done and over with already, except she can't quite grow the balls to go for it and turns down otherwise ""acceptable"" (yes, I'm being judgemental) opportunities.

On another subject, I can't stop thinking about SmTn. I want to kiss him. Quite badly. I keep imagining him coming over, and meeting him at the airport. I imagine hugging him and holding him close for a little longer. Looking into his eyes. Now I know I'm mental.

Thursday, 28 July 2011

Afternoon nap gone freudian

This has to be the most often I've dreamed about anyone ever. Had a dream about SmTn. We were out on some trip someplace beach-y. I remember huge classrooms. I remember some of the people from the summer school. SmTn walked by me and someone else. He carried me piggy back playfully for a while, and at the same time some other buy carried someone else piggy back. While he did so plans for the future were discussed. I asked something along the lines of "would you come back? and stay?" and he didn't even hesitate to say "yes." I told him to put me down so we could actually talk about it. I asked if he was serious, and what would happen to his post-doctorate. He said it could wait for a year. He was sweaty, and a tiny bit smelly, but in my dream he smelled nice, and I didn't mind the sweat one bit. I hugged him, or he hugged me. I don't know if we kissed. I noticed a girl looking at us, looking at him, and thinking she'd want to steal him from me. And that she didn't stand a chance.

Also in my dream there was a beach house. My mum was looking at it with the lady who cleaned it. There were stairs coming down from a place with vegetation, and every so often the stairs stopped and you could enter a room. All rooms had laptops in them. My sister and I had stayed in some of the rooms already. My mum didn't like how dirty it all looked, but really it was just sandy because the beach was right there and it could not be helped. I think I was thinking of a way to tell her about SmTn coming over.

In another dream there was a sick man. A black dog lay next to him on a bed, and she was also sick. She was a rather large dog, but hadn't grown to full size yet. The man was a relative of my dad's. When he died they intended to leave the dog with him. I wanted to take her with me and look after her, even if she died anyway. I couldn't just leave her there. My mum was set on not allowing it even though I hadn't asked yet.

Tuesday, 26 July 2011


For context, because I'd hate to be compared to Arcueid: there was this television show telling the life of Napoleon. Never really followed it, and I can't even remember watching a whole episode but I remember one thing in particular. Josephine and Napoleon. I don't know how functional their relationship was, in real life or in the show. I don't exactly remember how the scene I meant to tell went. All I remember is the overall idea: Josephine didn't love Napoleon, she loved his love for her. See what I'm getting at here? I'm Josephine. I've turned into Josephine. I'm not liking it. I don't actually feed off of it, which is why I won't compare myself to anyone else. I don't particularly enjoy it. I just like the idea so much I almost love the man linked to it.

What's this?

*Cue Jack Skellington*

I don't know what this is here. I mean, I was so nonchallant about SmTn and now I can't stop waiting for his next e-mail, if there's such a thing. I could quite honestly say I didn't really care. When I'm completely honest with myself, I don't. But I'm holding on to an idea here, and it's not healthy if I can't stop thinking about it. I'm holding on to how perfect it could have been because it never was. It shouldn't be. Stop it. STOP IT. Now.

[5:31pm edit]
It's kinda too late. Caught myself wanting to learn a useless language. That's crossing the line. If he could just write back maybe I could stop freaking out so much. No? Or I'd be freaking out so much more. Or I'll be freaking out regardless, because he hasn't written back. And he may not write back at all. Get it into your head: he's got a girlfriend. He's taken. Can't have him unless 'taken' only refers to 'taken by me'. Shit.

Crazy... three times in a row...

I think it's safe to say I miss SmTn. I'm afraid it's also safe to say this thing with him is over, or very soon will be. Which is to say, I miss hearing from him, and I realise I may never hear from him again.

I had a dream about him again last night. In this dream the town festivities we were in took place near campus, and I remember walking around with other people through the crowded streets, hoping to meet him (much like on Friday when I even braided my hair and wore minimal amounts of makeup on the event that he might be there... I'm pathetic). I don't think I found him in my dream, though. Something must've happened.

I had several other dreams last night... One I can't shake the memory of involved MusicGuy and/or BGuy. For some reason, we sneaked off and I have him a hand job. I don't know why I did it either, but I know it was unimportant enough that I considered stopping before he came. He complimented my technique (that might've been BGuy). When he came, it was MusicGuy and I just felt very uncomfortable being there.

In my dream I remembered another dream involving my cousins, the twins. In it I told my aunt how I'd seen them in a jail, but in my dream they'd been to a jail because they were sick, and to me hospitals are like jails. She was very worried. While I told her all this we rode a bus with several other family members. Also in the bus, my dad had white hair and a hideous combover.

There was yet another dream concerning a jail, but in this other one I was trying to help some girl escape from a cell. The guard, a little man (or perhaps even a Harry Potter goblin) dropped the keys on the floor, taunting her. I took a chance and kicked them under her cell. When she was about to come out all hell broke lose and lots of people came from all over to try and stop her.

... I can't seem to remember anything more. I suppose I'll just edit the post if I do remember.

Monday, 25 July 2011

Freudian: again

Different kind, though. In last night's dream it was EBF I wanted to talk to. Not sure what happened exactly, because I must've woken up at some point and all I told myself to remember was that I'd talked to EBF and it was again one of those dreams.

I had another dream last night, though. One that's left me a little worried. There was a marriage about to take place (well, in a few hours, anyway) and I was with the bride-to-be. I'm not sure what it was, but we were finding out horrible things about the groom. Rather, a series of horrible things had been happening and we found no one else to blame. Also in that dream, but perhaps in another one, something was up with some children's clothes. It took place in a very large house belonging to the filthy rich. The children's clothes somehow invited heresy, and word spread among the maids and babysitters until they reached the man of the house. He was sad, and he ordered us to get rid of the clothes, but refused to decide anything else (whomever was responsible got a get-out-of-jail-for-free card). I remember talking to one of the maids and wondering if perhaps upon ironing them, the clothes would reveal more messages. Not sure how that went.

A part of the dream took place at a place not unlike the hotel dining room from the past 3 weeks. A trip had been organised. I remember little to nothing more. It's all about the bride right now, and how she set out to marry a possibly evil man. In my dreams she looked like Anne Hathaway.

Oh! If I may... I remembered that in last night's dream I was at a candy store. And that BGuy said he'd learned to read hands with some Polish gypsy and he predicted I'd have a child, and that I'd raise both my child and someone else's (he said I'd bear the child of someone who already had a child, and that I'd raise both of them).

No news from SmTn just yet. We just might have rushed this thing to its death.

I just remembered another dream... I was outside a casino, with my Hello Kitty deck in my bag. Someone I was with asked to see one of the cards. I let them. Next thing I know the security guards at the casino are accusing me of helping others cheat. It was bad. .

Sunday, 24 July 2011

Freudian: I'm no longer counting

I had a dream last night where I got to see SmTn once more before he actually left. I even remember wanting a picture of us together. I'm too tired to try and write the rest. It was nevertheless quite unusual.

Saturday, 23 July 2011

Swept off my feet

I'm back. Still don't have my computer, but at least I have decent internet access. So, let's recap, because there's a lot I'd been leaving out.

Where to start...?

Well, I might as well come out and say it: MusicGuy kinda hates me and he has good reason to, but in my defense he'd been warned. Turns out he liked me. Not too much, as he's had crushes for the other girls, but I was particularly mean to him and he's the sensitive type. On Friday night he got in the way of me and SmTn. I hated his guts for it. He tried dancing with me and I had to keep my bag between our crotches. He kept talking to me, his breath on my face, and it pissed me off. I gave him a very nasty look without really meaning to, he noticed, I tried to say I didn't do it. That was bad. And then when he told me SmTn was leaving and I ran away after he cooked our eggs for breakfast without even saying where I was going... well, I figure he must have understood. And got hurt. And I admit he had good reason to. But I told him from day one to stay the fuck away because I'd find a way to keep him the fuck away if he didn't. That's that, I believe.

While we're on the subject, I might as well add that men were all over me during the trip. I'll be damned. I can't believe CtThumbe didn't have that many men hitting on her, and she can't either. But men just came to me and kept trying to talk to me, as if I were that nice to begin with. What the fuck? Forget about the guy who wanted to discuss fireworks. There was this guy who's been stalking me in Pentagono since forever, apparently. He first used a very cheesy line while we were dancing "Hey, I hadn't noticed you have green eyes" and then next time we danced it was "How old are you again?... You're so quiet... You captivate me". Captivate him. Captivate him?! For the love of... Oh, and might I add he was drunk too. It was the only way he could talk to me after making a fool of himself during dinner. Manners and etiquette were just too much for this guy. He took my fork, handled it and I had to take his arguing he'd taken mine (because there was no way I'd eat with mine anymore). BGuy looked in terror and understood. I was glad someone did.

I used BGuy during the last party as my get-away card. No one likes him. No one can stand him. I figured it was as good a choice as any, given CtThumbe was busy talking to someone and the nice guys were dancing or busy elsewhere. I gave up on dancing and hanging around BGuy did the job. I could even tell him about the paranoia, about men coming to me, and he'd handle it quite objectively. And then he got drunk. And started holding my waist and hips and said I had these latina curves. Seriously??

Then there was this guy who was very drunk... All right, they all were. But he kept telling me I'm pretty. I suppose I asked for it because I complained about the other guys hitting on me. Mostly he just made me uncomfortable, because such compliments always do. He was just being nice and he's nice altogether so I'll let it go. At least he didn't hit on me like he does on the other girls when he's drunk. He just said something along the lines of "I'd like to see you go out more often, I'm sure you'd have no trouble finding people to go out with, being so pretty and all." So that's that.

I found solace in SmTn's friend. And I might have disclosed a bit too much about my paranoia, as he did say "you've got issues." But then I explained and I think he might have understood. I said I had no idea how much he knew, but I had to say SmTn was an exception. Not sure how to handle it. I have to tell SmTn now. Why? Because he wrote the sweetest e-mails. Here's an over/undersatement: My God he's sweet.

I was swept off my feet. He's so romantic. This is the most romantic situation I've ever been on. He's the most romantic person I know. He's just too wonderful. He says he feels this connection, that he could be himself around me, that he wishes we had more time together, that he wishes he'd kept me around longer and had had the guts to ask. He wishes we'd lay in bed together, to have been able to hold me close, and kiss me just once. The hopeless romantic in me is dying here. I was feeling guilty that he seemed so into me and I had nothing to go on but I couldn't turn him down because he's so sweet. Now I can't stop thinking about him. His e-mails did that. His words did that. I keep thinking about him and I want to remember his face but can't seem to remember him properly. Then I want to remember his voice and his words ring in my head "I like the way you laugh." My God he's sweet.

I want to write back. I want to tell him I like him too, only he still seems to like me more than I do him, and no matter how much EBF says it's ok not to be the one that likes the most, I feel guilty. And yet I have to tell him that he's very special to me, that I find him exceptional, that he's the sweetest person I know, that I can't stop thinking about him. I want to tell him I wish we'd kissed too (even though I was self-conscious about having had nothing but eggs for breakfast and not having brushed my teeth before going to meet him), that I would've loved to lie next to him. That I don't care if it had caused me heartache because it would have been worth it. I want to tell him I'm confused and don't know how to handle this. Not with him having a girlfriend and not wanting to mess around. Not with him being in another continent. I could still try to convince myself that he can't possibly be serious, but it turns out he's quite a bit older than I thought he was and that probably has a number of implications. Namely, he could've just gone for the kiss, or for holding me next to him. Because I figure the experience should have added up. He's less likely to just want to fool around.

Is it weird that I'm here, wondering if he's the man of my life and coming up with crazy scenarios where we'd end up together? Like him coming to work here and teach maths? I'm a little crazy... It is weird that I keep wondering if there's something wrong with him, if he's not obsessed like other guys who liked me were. I keep waiting to find he's as broken as the other guys. It turns out I'm the one who's broken, and then I wonder if I deserve him. Speaks volumes, eh?

I've got this draft waiting to be sent. But I want EBF to get back to me first. I need his help. I almost can't do it without him. I need him to be my connection back down to Earth. I need him to tell me it's not just flirty e-mails. I need him to help me make sense of this. I don't know what to do here.

As for LesMisGuy... it would seem he's in Italy (his thesis really took off, didn't it?). Here's the thing. Every so often I'll think of him, I'll call his name out in my head. And then realise, he doesn't deserve it. If SmTn is everything I think he is, if he's truly as wonderful as I see him, then I can do better. I didn't like LesMisGuy enough to begin with. Not if I can be swept off my feet quite so romantically. Not if LesMisGuy had me doing all the heavy lifting. Not if he won't start conversations with me. I almost want to tell him about SmTn and then I realise it would be petty. I keep thinking: SmTn climbed a fucking mountain for me, what have you done, you idiot?

Monday, 18 July 2011

So, that's what happens (taken, and others)

It's been days without my computer. I can't possibly keep up. The screen broke down. Now I'm stuck not having a computer for another week. The things that have happened in the meantime? Unbelievable. I still can't believe it, to be honest.

So, let's recap. On Wednesday we all went out to dance at the town square. It was the first day of festivities and it was actually very nice. Most of us were there, the professors danced, the students danced, even I danced. We got to talk to each other, get to know new people. Enter SmTn. When I first saw him I couldn't believe he was here for the school. He's about the last thing you'd expect when you thought of nerds. And yet he's a nerd. Furthermore, he's not a jerk/idiot: he's one of the sweetest people I know. We talked a little. It was nice. I noticed he tried to seek me out to talk to. He complimented my English. He told me his name and I told him mine. I misunderstood his. I'd better remember that when I type what happened later. I had a sip of rum and another one of liquor. He practised his Spanish. When I mentioned I don't like the taste of alcoholic beverages but drank because I felt rude saying no he playingly offered me a sip of his beer, so I took one. I thanked him and he tried to say you're welcome, but didn't manage on time, so he told me to have another sip and he'd say it right. It may sound silly, but it was very sweet of him. In general, he seems very sweet natured.

I'm not sure I remember what else happened that night, but I figure we only just talked a little, about nothing in particular.

Then on Thursday we exchanged hi's. And on Friday we both went out to the town square again. On Friday it was different. We danced together. While we were in the crowded tent, standing and attempting conversation, a professor nearby said lots of women had their eye on SmTn (no wonder). I did my best to relay the message. SmTn said nothing, but then pointed out I had no less than 3 bodyguards with me (himself, the professor who'd made the observation, and another professor). Thinking back on it, he might've been a tiny bit proud. I should have been a tiny bit proud.

It was very crowded, and hot, so I said I wanted to go buy a drink. He asked if he should join me, and I said yes. We bought my Coca-Cola and sat on a bench and talked some more. I had to ask for his name again, as I didn't remember it right. He acted a little hurt, pretend hurt, and said he did remember mine. Then I apologised profusely, and attempted to remember what I'd misunderstood the first time. Which is nothing like his name, incidentally. He told me his name and then admitted he'd had to ask his friend for mine. So that would be hint number one, if him wanting to spend time with me was no indication at all.

Wait, I remembered something else. It was probably on Wednesday, but I'm no longer sure. There was a while there when he went out to get a doughnut. Might've been a short while after I mentioned wanting a Coca-Cola. Anyway, he bought a doughnut and offered me some. It sounds incredibly silly, but there was a vibe, even then and there, you know? Something about the way he seemed pleased with himself that I liked the doughnut (I didn't it was horrible) and the way he threw it away when I said I was good and took no more. He threw away the best (or worst) bit too, you know? The filled centre. Oh dear... Back to what I was saying...

Do take note of one thing: I've been off the birth control pills for 3 months now. I don't really look at myself in mirrors. I hardly remember to pluck my eyebrows every week or so. I wear a goddamned blanket around all day, every day. I wear no make up. Sometimes I don't even brush my hair.

Hint number two? We danced. MusicGuy was annoying as fuck, and I sort of ran away to the comfort of SmTn. I mentioned there was a trip on Saturday and asked if he was coming. He didn't really answer. When I left, we were dancing in a line, he was in front of me, and felt me letting go to go away. I was going to just wave, but he hugged me. He put his big arms around my shoulders and I wrapped mine around him from under his arms. It was unusually un-awkward. Which is to say, he somehow bypassed the creep-detector.

Come Saturday, he showed up for the trip, sans inseparable friend. Keep counting 'em. It was a hard short walk to a cabain and then the long walk up. I ran out of breath on the first walk. He was behind me and stopped to ask if I was ok. I said I'd live and rested a while longer. Then MusicGuy came behind. Fuck. When I reached the cabain the others were already leaving. I rested on the grass and started to consider staying behind. SmTn stayed a while with MusicGuy, DadGuy and gf and MusicGuy got annoying as fuck telling me to go. I was already very unwilling to go, especially with him. The others moved along, and only MusicGuy stayed behind. I decided to stay, and luckily enough the guy running the cabain came by and said it would be ok for me to stay. Stay I did. It was cold, but my mind was made up: SmTn had come for me, and I'd wait for him to get back. Let's make a side note here: up until Sunday at noon, it was unclear to me whether or not he'd come for me, but I got a hunch when I saw him having breakfast by himself on Saturday morning. (That sight probably added to the feeling of guilt that made me wait). Chances were he'd get back before MusicGuy, so we'd get some time to talk.

Except we didn't. MusicGuy fucking ran to get back to meet me. He was all over me. I ran out of excuses and made a run for it when the kitchen man told me some others were coming down. He followed. The first 8 or so arrived and got ready to leave on a jeep. I refused to go and pretended to have a lot of my lunch left to eat (I wasn't hungry, but my mind was set on waitng for SmTn). He got down with CtThumbe and Std. I fetched lunch for the three of them (fetching it just for SmTn would have been weird) and talked to him for a little. The Std decided to explain something, to me, while eating an apple, and saliva flew out of his mouth and onto my face. Not good. SmTn took off his shoes, and I felt uncomfortable watching him undress, even though it was just his shoes. Call me weird, I know I am. We didn't talk any more that day. We only managed to leave when it was already dark, after 7pm (we arrived at 10am) because some idiots neglected their bad knees.

Come the next day, I'd made up my mind to make it up to SmTn and offer to buy him coffee, or a beer, or something. I woke up late because I was tired, and I didn't make it to the hotel for breakfast. When MusicGuy came to the house with the eggs we'd asked for he told me he'd seen SmTn at breakfast. MusicGuy said SmTn said hi, and that he was leaving at noon. I made up my mind to go to the hotel then and there, but waited until I could sneak away from MusicGuy to even suggest going to the hotel. As soon as MusicGuy was out of ear-reach I told L3 I wanted to say goodbye to SmTn, that I felt guilty not going, and she put all her scrambled eggs into a bun to walk out with me immediately. I didn't even brush my teeth. My breath smelled like eggs and I was worried that we might kiss and it would suck because of it, but I couldn't miss him and MusicGuy hadn't been very precise about the time.

We got to the hotel, I asked if SmTn had left and I was told he hadn't, so we waited. After waiting for a while L3 decided to head back to the house and bring my bag. I thanked her and waited some more. Fearing I'd only see him getting the bags in a cab, I asked for his room number (13, see if I find some meaning there) and made my way there. I hesitated a little at the door, wondering if it was silly. It's the most romantic thing I've ever done, you know? Something like a crappy version of stopping a plane before it leaves or something. I knocked. He answered, I can't remember what (one syllable). I said "hi" and he recognised my voice and opened the door. His room mate wasn't there. He was still packing.

I said I'd heard about him saying hi, about him leaving and figured I'd go say goodbye myself, do the right thing. He saw my goodbye and raised me a hug. Rather than let me leave, he asked me to come in. He asked me to sit on his bed. It was awkward, but not uncomfortably so. Either that or I've grown very zen around here (which is a valid explanation for a number of things). I tried to make small talk. Asked why he was leaving so soon. He said he had to leave to meet a professor to discuss something concerning his PhD. I offered to help him pack. He refused. There were a few weird silences. I laughed. He said he likes the way I laugh (I keep trying to type that in past tense and always correct it to present tense...). It has to be the sweetest thing anyone has said to me yet. And it wasn't at all corny. He was just so nervous.

I had time to apologise for making him go on the trip. Especially on 3 hours of sleep. Just the day before leaving. He acknowledged he'd waited for me at the top and had indeed gone for me. Let me just say that again: someone climbed a fucking mountain for me. And I stayed behind. That was his way of being with me on his last day before leaving. Had I known he was leaving I might have suggested something entirely different.

I asked for his e-mail and gave him mine. We split a piece of paper (I rather symbolically folded it in half and tore it through the fold) and kept each other's addresses. I told him to finish packing, that I'd wait for him at the lobby and we could grab a drink before he left. He agreed. I think he hugged me again. He might have hugged me as we sat on the bed, or again by the door. Or both, or neither. I sat by the stairs and noticed MusicGuy was there with FlowerGuy and CrThumbe. They teased me a little. They told me my bag was coming. I waited. They left to play soccer. I waited some more. SmTn came out.

I asked if he was done packing and he said he wasn't, but his friend could pick up after him in case he forgot anything. I said we should go meet the girl bringing my bag so I could pay for the drinks. He said he had money but I insisted. We talked very little while we walked. We met the girl and hurried a little back down. He suggested a place near the hotel where we could have Coca-Cola. We talked. I asked about his future, he asked about mine. I asked about his hobbies, the countries he's been to, the languages he knows. Small talk, really. The best I could manage with my poor people skills. He didn't really try to lead the conversation. I just wanted to keep it going so it didn't turn uncomfortable awkward to sit there, time pressing on us. We kept an eye on the time. I don't know if it's worth mentioning he told me to act neutral when we walked past one of the girls organising the event. When I told him about going away for biomed engineering he mentioned maybe I could go to his homeland, with education being free and all. He was sorry we had so little time.

I mentioned I'm socially awkward and how weird it all was for me. Even though I didn't really feel comfortable putting my finger on what "it all" was. I was afraid I might have misunderstood all signals to that point, and I didn't want to say anything too stupid. I was instead stupidly vague. 5min before he had to get back to get his bags he said he'd do the talking. He tried to explain (and I understood sooo poorly) that he felt a connection with me and that it had happened almost instantly. He may have said he hadn't expected that to happen, because it's so rare an occurrence. I asked if he didn't have a girl back home and he said he did, and he didn't want to mess around. I might have said something along the lines of "I don't endorse messing around". At least, I want to remember saying that, but I'm having trouble remembering him mention the girl back home at all. It was... weird having him say those things. I'd figured talking was talking was talking. I did my best to make nothing of it. And there he was, sorry that he had a gf, liking the way I laugh, having climbed a mountain for me, sorry that we had no time, wondering if I'd go to his homeland. That's a first. It's the most romantic everything anyone has ever done for me. I have to wonder if any of it will actually work out and amount to anything, but it remains the sweetest thing ever.

Before he went into the hotel he hugged me again and I started walking to the house. I made a call and I was told to get back to the hotel for a snack. He showed up after a bit and had a snack too. When he really made to leave he shook hands with the people around me and made to hug me. But I was sitting down, food in one hand, wondering if he wouldn't want me to be neutral on the other, so I just waved. He put his hand against mine. He's good... so sweet... That was it.

I've tried adding him as a facebook friend but he hasn't answered yet. I dropped him an e-mail, and I hope he'll answer. Maybe that was the end of that. It's just so new an experience...

Gotta go to sleep now. I did my best. That will be all for now.

Wednesday, 13 July 2011


This whole living a life thing gets in the way of getting it recorded in words here. Oh well... Last night's dream involved me being held captive with two other girls, not unlike Rikku from FFX-2. There were mirrors, and bodies were changed, and he wanted us dead. And he was also one of the guys here, one of the second floor fellas. I just remember trying to kick him in the nuts after pretending to be dead and hiding failed, only my kick was as if I'd kicked in water, it lacked strength and was useless. Then the alarm rang.

A little catch-up is in order. Day after I figured LesMisGuy must have a girlfriend (still my best theory, however unfortunate a reality it may be), I saw him online. He was online from phis phone all day, pretty much. I believe he'd already been online all day the day before. So I couldn't resist. I argued with myself and reasoned I couldn't just disappear and if I treated him at all like I would a friend, I wouldn't hesitate to say hi. I said hi, and waited. A good while later, when I was already feeling like the moron I know myself to be, he said hi back and I flushed, and I could swear the guys behind me knew, or could tell. Hell if I know. I told him a little about what it's like around here. He took a good while to answer. Then I left saying lunch was ready. I was online again later but he didn't speak first, so I didn't bother much. He was online until midnight. I'll make nothing of the fact that it was 20min or so after I appeared offline. Forget about it. I said nothing.

So that failed. And then the lectures with the professor I was told about began. He's as awesome as they come. Come day two of being with him in class, and after him asking once about the meal they gave us, I figured it should be quite all right to sit on the same bench as him. It was raining and the seating spots were limited. Had I sat by myself I would've looked like an idiot. You'd think I could've interpreted his insistence on trying to work on his computer as a sign to stay the hell away, but I didn't. Then he started by saying he didn't know me and asking my name. Again, I didn't get the message. Then the conversation just got stupid. And then awkward. And he ended up getting up with some silly excuse to go grab something to eat. Yeah... Still feel like a retard about that. Worst part is, he's quite friendly and even smiles a lot when he's talking to others. He can actually talk to the others. I didn't even dare ask for his help. I just mentioned ever so fleetingly about ThPr and what I'm trying to work on. I still feel guilty about it. I think I'll be avoiding him from now on.

On other news, I had another girl talk with CtThumbe. She mentioned she figured there was no way I was a virgin and she could've bet money I knew my way around men. Oddly enough, it's what I figured about her, but I made sure not to say anything. She just said people thought the same about her because she had a boyfriend for 4 years. Anything but, as it turns out. Also, some trauma I won't discuss at length for privacy's sake. For some reason, girl talk with CtThumbe is unusually comfortable, even knowing she could use the stuff I've told her against me if it seemed deserved. I doubt it will be. I'm just glad to find someone like her, so unusual at my age and hers. Telling someone else about LesMisGuy is a bit of a relief. I figure it can't be good that she dosen't see much of a future there either. She figures he should've made contact after we had coffee and it didn't happen. I figure he should talk to me and that doesn't happen unless I talk to him first. Bottom line is, if he were interested he'd show more initiative. And then there's the very likely girlfriend. So of course he's not interested. Tell me about it...

Totally unrelated? I rode a mechanical bull today and did half-good. Not bad, eh?

Sunday, 10 July 2011

So... yeah...

Knowing LesMisGuy (even as little as I do) I had to wonder, how could he possibly not have a girlfriend? And then these pictures show up in facebook, you know? And now I'm wondering, how could I possibly believe he didn't have a girlfriend? Why, of course he does! Sheesh!... No, it's not official. Yes, I'm just reading this from pictures of him. Two pictures of him, to be exact. With his arm around a girl. And they're just the tiniest bit flushed. I figure that's couples' behaviour. I figure they're together. Forget about how sore I am from my attempts at riding a bike up a rocky hill though I never exercise. Forget about how annoyed I am by MusicGuy and his lame attempts at spending time with me. LesMisGuy's. fucking. taken. Now, could I please give it a rest and stop thinking about him? Why the fuck was I thinking about telling him "today's walk/bike ride would've been good for you"? Because he mentioned being told nature's good for him, or whatever. And I was being thoughtful. And I have a ridiculous crush.

Aaand yes, I do realise I'm being dramatic. I also realise it only makes perfect sense and Occam's Razor beats the crap out of my lack of evidence. So there.

Girl talk

So, Ctthumbe decided not to party tonight, she studied for a while and came upstairs. Instead of falling asleep right away we talked. Girl talk. Very cliché. We ended up discussing our love lifes, and boys in general, and relationships in general. Turns out I'm not being just paranoid about MusicGuy, she had a sneaking suspicion, what with him coming up to our room to talk to me and everything. Yeah, not gonna happen. I even "sold FlowerGuy out" as they'd say around here. Mentioned the flower incident and everything. As long as rumours don't spread, I think I'll be quite all right. If any of this helps me keep the boys at bay, it's all working in my favour. I still can't believe MusicGuy is so insistent even after talking to me about my paranoia... honestly...

Saturday, 9 July 2011

Well, hello paranoia

Took long enough, didn't it?

It's going to be a long couple of weeks, I'm sure of it now. It's not just that I keep thinking of ways to get LesMisGuy here, and of things we could do here. No, that's all in my head and it's mostly nonsense. I realise that. It's MusicGuy. It's his manners, and his revoltingly sweet demeanour. It's the fact that when he's with me, which is not that often because the "get the hell away from me" mode has already kicked in, all I can think of is how soon I can be away from him. To think it was FlowerGuy I thought would be a problem...

Let's recap a bit...

Summer School - Day whatever

I'm so tired lately, you know? And yet here I am trying to keep track of things. For one there's a dream I had the night before yesterday's. There's a girl with a burqa here and I had a dream about her. Specifically, she lost her burqa and it was very important for me to help her get something else to cover up with.

On another note, there's a good chance that.... Wait, I don't think I've mentioned him yet.

Here's the thing: I was waiting in line for the library and there was this guy standing there. Hate to be blunt, but he's just some black guy I'd noticed from day one, mostly because I couldn't figure out a few things. First of al I wasn't sure whether or not he was a foreigner (he's not), and I wasn't sure whether or not I found him kind of attractive (I don't). So there we were, standing in line, and the girl who was supposed to lend us the books wasn't there, so I stare blankly into space and feel weird, so I said hi and we started talking. That afternoon, during the friendly soccer games we talked some more. Nice enough guy. But then I notice him staring at me during class, kind of a lot. And it freaks me the fuck out, you know? So I've been avoiding him. And then comes MusicGuy and mentions today he was expecting this guy to ask me to dance with him or something, because he noticed us talking.

That's the thing. The other thing. Another thing. People here seem particularly eager to know about my love life, which, recounted several times on the same day almost makes it seem silly. Puts everything in perspective. And that's not to mention the lovely (and I do mean lovely, lovely) couple here. They're sweet, and you can just tell they love each other. I'm jealous. And I get this overwhelming feeling of awe of such a nice relationship. I can't help but think of how much I wish LesMisGuy were here.

I want to talk to him. He was online for all of 20 seconds and I'm still hoping he'll be the one to talk to me, ask how it's going here. I want to go out with him when I get back. As soon as possible. I miss him. I want to hug him, if only jokingly to say I miss being around mathematicians. Oh boy...

On a different subject. I'm thoroughly annoyed by MusicGuy's manners. His overall behaviour is far too sweet, for my taste, borderline stupid. But his manners are just deplorable. I cannot stand having him near me when he's eating. I might even grimace a little.

More news? I've danced three times on two nights out and the guys who asked me to dance were nice enough to try and teach me. Bless them for being patient.

Not sure if I'm interested in a certain tall european guy around here... not the alpha males, that is. I reckon he's not unlike a tall, dark-haired AOB. Kinda ugly, yes. But he speaks French and it's really awesome (only LesMisGuy speaks French.. and it's so sexy in him)... Also... well, I find black men statuesque, I've decided. Just not attractive. Which is to say, I can recognise a good-looking one, I just don't feel drawn to them. I was intrigued by this particular one, if you will...

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Physical phenomena

You know what? If nerds aren't the sweetest people ever I sure as hell don't know who are.

Summer School Day 3:

After an exhausting day yesterday waking up extra early to try and get a shower, not fall asleep during class and trying to make it back here without falling asleep somewhere else, I had no energies to write. So I'm not really going to bother much with yesterday. Except people here are so sweet. I'm still amazed.

I bought a pack of cards yesterday so we could play here. We played poker for a while after dinner. BGuy won, hands down, so we said we'd all buy him ice cream. I just don't have the energy or the willingness to go out to town to buy ice cream. So I called it a day and made my way up to brush my teeth and get my pyjamas on. BGuy came up to tell me he won't take my money. After a while MusicGuy came up and asked if I definitely didn't want to come with them. He even offered to bring the ice cream here for me. Bless him. Bless them. They are too nice. FlowerGuy gets points for recognising Pomplamoose in my playlists. MusicGuy gets an A+ for effort trying to get to know me. Too sweet, aren't they?

Already picked a nerd to fall for, though. I just hope it doesn't backfire.

Sunday, 3 July 2011


Summer School

Day one
Here's the thing. I was early to the place we were supposed to wait for the bus. I might have known, sort of, the few people waiting, but I felt weird saying hi, so I didn't. And so I settled for waiting around in the cold (it was 7:15am) while the bus came to pick us up. Which would have been just fine, except we were too many. And the buses were late. And we left 2 hours late. Yeah. Just before boarding a bus I was greeted by a girl I've been in class with. She's nice. She introduced me to a girl from physics. Also very friendly. Might I point out now, most everyone here studies physics. I'm an odd one out if you will. I was planning to send EBF a message: "Scarce goods in high demand be damned: FlowerGuy is here, I can't stand it" but decided against it. Yes, he looks at me funny, and yes he wore that hideous cologne by truckloads today when we went out, but people here are really very nice. I suppose it speaks volumes of me to say I didn't expect it. I started out an outcast and most everyone (nationals) has tried to be friendly and make conversation.

I'm even willing to forgive the poor sap who might be trying to get into my pants in spite of the fact that I've ridiculed the guys who've hit on me before. He may think he has it easy, and that he's more than enough to measure up beyond them. He doesn't know they've already done damage programming me into not liking it when guys like me. Yeah. Poor thing. He's very nice, though, so we'll avoid further comment on that. I'll have fun while he tries to figure me out. Just tonight he said he could guess what kind of music I like. I helped him out ruling out reggaeton and adding Disney's music. We'll see how well he does from there. He said I didn't like rap, which isn't entirely true. I like Eminem's rapping. I just find most others to be a bit too demeaning in their lyrics. Just might tell EBF about him, for fun.

It looks like we'll be having lots to drink (which means I'll be pumped full of Coca-Cola) while people bond. I'm just a little sad to see that the group that was so quick to warm up to me leaves the foreigners aside, and the foreigners don't do much to try and join us. A pair of russian guys sat with us for a beer. I was a bit too far, though one seemed quite excited when I almost sat next to him and smiled. I hadn't figured they were foreigners quite yet. Then everyone around them spoke Spanish. I mentioned we should try to help them join the conversation, and talk to them, but the music was too loud and it was hard. In the end we gave out, left 2-3 guys with them and left for some place quieter while the others had more beer and I talked to (let's call him) MusicGuy.

I'm sharing a room with CtThumbe and L3. We'll call the other girls CrThumbe, Cl and Ls. CtThumbe is very pretty. She's a lot like N2, actually, but is naturally a bit slimmer, has dark hair, a lovely nose and very bright white teeth. Why, if I didn't know better, I'd say she's even more in EBF's taste than N2 is.

Hold on a second. MusicGuy just came in asking for flippers. He said there was a flood downstairs (we're in the third floor). I say I'll take my tennis shoes. Next thing I know, while he showered one of the hoses on the water heaters broke, and all hell broke lose in the room with the water heaters. While the three guys here (FlowerGuy, MusicGuy and BGuy) found a way to shut the water in the house, I tried to make sense of what was going on. Water off, the three of them walk in and try to poke around the heaters. Wearing no shoes. Idiots. And they're the ones studying physics. I'm merely an engineer's daughter, and even I had more common sense. Oh well... We're not really showering tomorrow then, not until we get things sorted out. Fuck. At least I managed to wash my teeth and my face. Yeah. That makes things a lot better. Oh, and I got to pee. Better. Kinda funny. Quite an adventure, this is...

I was saying...

CrThumbe is friendly and often wanting to party and get drinks. Ls is very nice, a tiny bit creepy (I'm afraid I must blame it on a smile needing braces), and Cl is very sweet.

This house is a goddamned mess, though. We'll see what can be done about it tomorrow morning.


Seeing as this is all pretty much free, now I'm really sorry LesMisGuy isn't here. It could be pretty awesome with him here, you know? Or I could fuck up royally. That too.

Now, see? What I was aiming at was saying that just like people are nice to me I was hoping I could get them to be nice to the foreigners too. If only to save face and appear hospitable. Which we are. Incidentally not to foreigners, though. Not quite enough. They seem nice and the russian guys even tried to blend in tonight. Must try harder, eh?

Silly thoughts

Not sure what I dreamed last night. I just can't sleep now. Even though I have to wake up in 4 hours or so to get ready to leave. And oh, boy... I feel so underprepared to leave... I'll somehow have to make do, won't I?

Since dinner didn't really sit well with me I couldn't sleep properly. I woke up today around 4-5 and stood awake, daydreaming silly thoughts.

Here's the thing, much like I figured my firstborn with D would be a boy, I wondered what it would be like if LesMisGuy and I ended up together for good. I figure we would end up in France somewhere, I could teach part time, be a housewife (aren't I old-fashioned, now?), keep a dog (I simply must have a dog), and waste time reading or whatever. LesMisGuy strikes me as the family kind of guy, so sooner or later I'd give in and agree to have his children. Firstborn would be a girl, but I'm not sure why I get the nagging feeling that she'd either be miscarried or stillborn (which both horrify me). Next would be a boy. A gay boy, as it would be. I'm not even sure where I'm getting this from. So I won't bother posting this entry. I'll just keep it as a draft. Not sure this should see the light of day through someone else's screen.

Saturday, 2 July 2011

Wrong kind of full

I got back from A's a while ago. Girls' night out was tonight, as it turned out. We went to Friday's with her cousin. I wore red lipstick (pin up style) with a lumberjack shirt, jeans and tennis shoes. Tiny bit too much, for the place, but I'd sort of promised N1 I'd go out with red lipstick and I did, even if there is no evidence. We talked. We ate. We walked to A's place and my mum picked me up there. I had onion rings, tacos that weren't really tacos, and what was left of A's oreo's dessert with some odd juice concoction (supposed to be an improved virgin piña colada with banana, only it wasn't all that good). Before dinner I'd only had lunch and a bag of chips, but I'm bursting here.

I'm really too full and the food wasn't that good, really. Aaand now I'm thinking about LesMisGuy liking good food and how I could treat him to dinner cooked by me if it ever came down to it... The service sucked. Not usually a big deal. But then it was drafty (even though we were inside). I'll excuse people celebrating the soccer match. The table, though new, was wobbly. As for the food...

The onion rings' batter didn't stay put on the onion rings, so eating one (and they were massive) with sauce was very hard, not to mention all the batter fell off once you took the first bite. The fork and knife were useless, but then the gloves we were given were a terrible fit. Then came the tacos. Which weren't really tacos, as they were made with soft wheat tortillas. I wouldn't have bothered with the cabbage. I would've added a little more cheese sauce. And they forgot the tomato sauce. The seasoning on the chicken wasn't exactly bad, it just tasted a bit too much like plastic (you know, the way american food tastes like plastic sometimes). They were ok, but seriously overpriced, however big and abundant. The juice... I told A and her cousin it was good. But really it wasn't. Which is to say, for a real piña colada, I would've expected more coconut milk and some cream. The flavour was ok, just not very nice for my taste. As for the texture... too much fibre. I would've strained it. The dessert was poorly executed: too much fat in the cookie powder mix, so much that the cookie part was far too hard to break with a spoon. I personally found it too sweet. Some odd sugar substitute I'll bet.

So there. I'm not going back. I much prefer the usual restaurant, even if the quality there is not really what it used to be. What's worse is, I've probably eaten less today than I might at the usual place, it's just I'm beyond sated and the food is all too heavy. It's the uncomfortable feeling of having had too much to eat and not really feeling satisfied by the meal itself.

I suppose it's best we got that out of the way. I don't really feel like going out with A on a "real" night out à la Sex and the City. And I didn't feel like going out tonight on account of my face still being a damn mess. I suppose it's convenient we went to the new Friday's and we didn't run into anyone (not that we would have). Yes, perhaps it's better that way. I did my nails for nothing, which was a waste (seeing as I'm not leaving with my nails done, being unable to do them again in the next three weeks and all). I feel that I could've made better use of the money I spent in the meal in more make up. It would, to some extent have felt more satisfying. More fulfilling.

And yet that's just trying to cover up for another gaping hole. I don't have my little one, EBF, or LesMisGuy, so I play with make up. And it's amusing enough, but it's really a very poor substitute for either. In fact, it's not so much a substitute as a diversion. I'm not sure if I'm ready to ask myself to give it up already. I can only insist so much, that I know. He has to take the initiative. That I know. I'm not supposed to wait around forever. That I know. We could just be friends. If that works out he could be a great friend. If it doesn't, well, I suppose it won't be a very big loss. As it is, I feel that I could just cut my losses and forget about him. But I don't want to. Not until I'm sure it's completely hopeless. It doesn't help that I'm so eager for him to talk to me, maybe ask me out. I want to tell him I was sort of right about Roman rulers. I want to tell him the place I'm going definitely doesn't have hot weather. I will be wishing I had him around to hug me on cold nights. I'm wishing I didn't have to be so corny.

I want him to just let me know already. He could just come out and say it. That way I won't be here like an idiot getting ideas. I can be either moving on or an idiot in love. Better yet, I could be an idiot not alone in my idiocy and I wouldn't be here alone wondering silly things. I could be with him. In case he's wondering silly things too, he'd be free of them too.

Asking him to join me for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows might be a stretch, wouldn't you agree? For one, I'll be quite late getting back here to watch it. And that's without really wondering if he likes the books, or is interested in watching the film, or will be interested in watching it two weeks after the première. With me. Because, you know, it's only too likely he's got other friends to go with.


To think he was online again this afternoon. Not even a hello to acknowledge the fact that I greeted him yesterday and he failed to greet back. Not one hello on my part. Lots of thinking about one, though. Lots of thinking about him, obviously.

Oh dear...

Big gaping hole.

And a damn full stomach. Rumbling. It will be a long night.

Friday, 1 July 2011


Not sure following Weird Al on twitter has anything to do with it, but I had some very ominous dreams about the end of the world.

In one dream I was in Ctg near the fort by the sea and suddenly giant polar bears and giant white poodles walking in their hind legs came from the sea. They were looking for something. I remember them tearing buildings apart, and people trying to run away from them. I saw them grabbing people by dozens and eating them, and I asked A, who was around, if she'd be willing to explain or admit that everything in Lost is an awful lot of nonsense. Then something happened and the creatures were destroyed. Whomever had destroyed them had hoped to get the people they'd eaten out unharmed. But I was in the front seat of a car with others and while the creatures disappeared a huge splash of blood and bits of people came over the windshield. Awful.

Then there's this other dream about some creature getting ready to destroy the world. There was only one chance to prevent this, and it involved some asian girl waiting for some weird spherical field to disappear and then shoot at the creature. She'd had some practice and was our best shot. However, someone else was throwing a tantrum, saying they wanted to do it. I remember asking if he/she had ever practised what had to be done, and whether or not he/she'd been successful, and got no for an answer. I pointed out how stupid it was to try and take the asian girl's place. Not sure what happened.

Possibly in this dream, possibly in another, I remember running in and out of buildings while men from the military rehearsed for some kind of explosion/impact. I remember running as time ran out and Rikku (from FF, no less) telling me to run in a certain direction. I knew the direction she wanted me to go in wasn't going to make things better for me, but I also didn't have time to choose another direction so I went along. Then the strangest thing happened. As the waves of whatever had happened came to where we were (some house's front porch with a small terrace and white railing), everything moved and we had to jump and move to keep from getting hurt. However, the basic shape of everything stayed, which is to say, the chair next to me was still a chair, only the surface looked like whatever was between it and the centre of the explosion. Not sure it's well-explained but I can't seem to make it any clearer.

In another dream there was Eddie Murphy playing some idiotic character who was desperate to get laid. And get laid he did. While he and others were on an open sort of cart with 3-4 rows for two people each, trying to escape something. Very unsettling and awkward.

The last dream I remember took place while the glee video for Animal was shot. Chris Colfer pointed out how much fun it had been and I remember the balls and the foam. Then Chris, another two girls and I sat around a strange low white table and talked for a while, as other actors gathered in small groups sat around talking. In one particular group were Darren Criss and Clive Owen. One of the other girls, very nosy, asked Chris who he'd like to be with. You know, girl talk. Only it was a bit awkward. Chris sort of glanced in the general direction of the group I just mentioned, but said nothing. I remember telling him he didn't have to say a thing, and not to yield to the girl's nosiness. However, under the table, his hand was in mine and he sort of made a stroke with his finger on the palm of my hand, hinting at Darren Criss. He said something about how he'd be perfect with this guy (the girls assumed it was Clive Owen, I knew better) and how it would be wonderful if they could get married one day. I thought it was sweet, and also quite sad knowing Darren Criss was straight and Chris Colfer knew it. It's funny how I managed to imagine the two together, were Darren Criss also gay, and knew they would, in fact, be as happy as Chris Colfer said they would be.

I'm a sucker for love stories, aren't I? I suppose it explains why Valerie, from V for Vendetta, always gets to me...