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Thursday, 30 June 2011

Sorry, still pondering

I know I should be studying. I even turned off the computer and unplugged it. I got up and plugged it again after turning it on once more.

Never mind the lower back pain. Yesterday it was a headache and mild nausea. Today it's lower back pain and no position seems to help. That just rules out television. I could be studying in the position I'm in right now. I'm just choosing not to.

I'm still thinking about what went on today.

For one, I'm already beating myself up and thinking I'm terrible at social interaction and he'll never want to go out with me again. There's the inaccuracies in what I try to cite as facts, there's the impossible arguments, there's the contradiction in most everything I say, and then there's the repetition. I seem to go back to saying the same things, over and over, just like some people might say "er" or "um" as conversation fillers. It's awful.

Then, there's the fact that I might have predicted that whole going to France and knowing history bit. I'll be wanting to keep better record of that. It occurred to me that I'd already predicted A liked girls when I was young. I only just remembered today for the first time in ages. I remember specifically saying I really wouldn't mind if any of my friends were gay, and I'd only be a bit uncomfortable if they had crushes on me with her in mind. I should try and keep track, see how many predictions I nail...

Also, I can't help but remember how we parted. He hailed me a cab, the gentleman he is, and I got on. Before I did, though, I had to say goodbye so I leaned in for a kiss. Not a kiss on the lips, as N1 had suggested, just a kiss because I figured it was polite. Here's the thing: he was a bit taken by surprise, or so it seemed for a split second. Odd. And yet when I closed the door and looked outside he was looking at me so I waved and he waved back. Likely enough doesn't mean anything. I'm just still breaking down the bits of information.

In the twisted bit of my mind that pays too much attention to N1's silly fantasies, I'm left wondering if he shouldn't have texted to make sure I got home safe. Maybe I'm spoiled by AOB. And maybe I need to not think about AOB right now. That's a can of worms and I'll avoid opening it for as long as I can. Even EBF didn't know what to make of it. Told me to figure it out myself.

Right... But, could LesMisGuy not have tried talking to me? Say he had a good time? Again, american movie dating behaviour and likely enough not the sort of thing that happens. Not around these parts, anyway. I just couldn't help but notice that he's 1) facebook friends with SweetGal since around midnight, and 2) apparently meeting with some chick who's coming over. And by "some chick" I mean a girl who wrote Sunday night asking to meet with him and ended her message with an "I love youuu". So I'm in the insecure territory of my mind now...

Somewhere in the back of my mind I'm tempted to scream "I told you to expect nothing! I was right not to let myself dictate any more ultimatums! Of course nothing happened!" and yet I'm just stuck wondering... how do I fill the gap from here to any of the things I'm wishing would happen? EBF hasn't a clue because with him it's usually the bodies that do the talking and all he ever has to do is dance with a girl. Me? I'm not going dancing with LesMisGuy any time soon and any attempts at that would fail miserably. I figure we're supposed to keep going out. And yet, how are we supposed to show we're interested in each other? How do I go about telling him I have a crush on him? Just how am I supposed to know it's safe to come out and tell him if I don't get any clear signals from him? What about the leaning back and knee and foot touching?

As we sat today we both leaned back on our chairs, sort of away from each other, but both put our feet on the table's base. It's a bit odd, for me anyway, because we touched and I sought contact with him, often changing positions ever so slightly so I'd go back to touching him. And I did it without really thinking. I'm only just remembering. And I may be wrong and recalling fake memories. I just don't know what to make of it. Normally I'd have to say leaning back is not good. Only it might have been mirroring. And what about the touching? Could have meant nothing. And yet, shouldn't we have been closer together? I realise I might have been trying to keep distance to avoid him from noticing the bad shape of my face. I'm not entirely sure. He'd have no excuse, though, would he? Maybe he's just not interested...

Meaningless as it may be, I also remember him mentioning the weather being chilly. He put on his jacket a while before I did as we sat, and when we got up he said it was chilly. The rogue thought of it being an excuse to hug me did cross my mind. And I had to dismiss it as nonsense. I mentioned I wasn't cold myself and was feeling, in fact, a bit warm. I said it might be because of the heaters. I don't actually know. I'd like to say it was the warm rush that overcomes me when I think of him but it actually wasn't.

Which brings up a silly matter... Well not silly at all. I'm just overthinking al of it. Supposing he doesn't mind my silliness and/or I learn to control it, today was actually very nice. If that's what it's like to be with him one on one, I like it. And I look forward to it. If being in a relationship with him is anything like it, then I want in.

I wonder if he enjoyed himself.

I wonder if I should have ordered something to eat. Or asked him to stick around a while longer while we got something to eat elsewhere. Ans what if he couldn't wait to get away? What if he doesn't want to go out with me gain=

What if I pluck up and ask him to go to the cinema with me (not that I'd know what film to choose), and he flat out says no= This is why I'm probably right wanting him to take some initiative. I need to be given signs that he's interested. Seeing as I don't know him well enough, I just don't know if I'm reading him right and it scares me. And what exactly am I reading? How can I possibly know I'm not imagining things and trying to believe he had anything to do with it?

Oh dear...

It's like I told EBF. I'm trying to put together a puzzle of what it would be like to be LesMisGuy's girlfriend. I don't really know what the big picture looks like. I only have a vague idea. And there's a big gaping hole between where I am now and where I want us to be. I don't know if that's where we're actually headed. I don't know what pieces will fit in the hole. The fact that some pieces don't seem to belong to the puzzle at all (like AOB's link) just makes things worse. I'm puzzled.

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