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Tuesday, 21 June 2011

*le sigh*

EBF remarked on my having given up on regular sleeping hours, being up at 4-5 am today. We started talking, which led to me telling him I forgot how to fall asleep without my little one, so hee suggested I get a replacement dog. I said I won't get a dog until I know it's not a replacement. He suggested I get some other warm body to be around expressed, as he has before, his worries about the fact that I don't have an active sex life. He asked if I'd consider AOB in the event that he actually does have a thing for me and I had to tell him no, because there's nothing about AOB that screams sex appeal to me. So he asked what it takes for me to like a guy. And I told him.

He said I was pretty much waiting for Prince Charming, which I countered saying I'd be uncomfortable thinking that way about a guy who wore sparkling lip balm. Now that I think about it, it's not exactly true, because I don't actually require handsome or particularly good-looking. Manly in the form of a nice beard, a broad back, and strong arms will do. Non alpha-male isn't all that hard. Anyway, AOB isn't the one, and I'm not about to try flings or one-night-stands, which leaves LesMisGuy alone until I meet someone new. And EBF admitted this time it didn't look too promising.

Having been unable to do a single useful thing all day except for cleaning up a bit and changing my bedsheets. This, of course, means I've been browsing the internets, which almost inevitably means checking facebook. I ran into a picture of LesMisGuy. He's there with some other guy, they're standing next to each other, maybe a hand on a shoulder here and there. While possibly not the best picture of him, it got my heart racing and all I could think was Goodness! He. Looks. *Gorgeous*! Got me thinking about what EBF said, and how things with him working out is not exactly looking good, but I'm quite determined to ask him out.

I have to see this through. I have to give it one last try before I give up altogether. I'll ask if he'd like to go out for a drink. Could be coffee. Could be something else. If it's something else I can always go for a glass of Bailey's or a piña colada, right? As long as I don't drink more than a glass I should be quite alright. And yet it could be nothing at all, because who's to say he's interested in going out with me, leave alone interested in me? If I had to judge by our last conversation, I'd be inclined to think he'll say no. I'm thinking about this too much. I shouldn't. I should just ask him out and wait for things to unfold. I'm just worried about what might happen, or might not happen.

It probably has something to do with having spoken with EBF about it, or it might be something completely unrelated, and to be blamed on hormones alone, but I've been thinking of kissing him a lot today. I've been thinking a lot about kissing him, and I've been thinking about kissing him a lot. I can't seem to fill in the huge blank, so in my mind after we go out and just after we say goodbye I'll ask if I can do something silly (or perhaps won't ask at all) and I'll give him a kiss on the cheek before I make to leave. He'd then be shocked for an instant or two and call me over arguing I can't do something like that and then go away. To be perfectly rational, which is not how it works (I should know), I can only see two outcomes to kissing him: either he likes it and he reacts positively, or he dislikes it, stays puzzled and I have to leave before things get even more awkward. I can't plan further than that, so I can't even imagine him going for a kiss after stopping me because I figure this sort of situation would merit a conversation.

For me, it's not clear what any of it could mean and I'd need a clear statement of whether he's interested in just kissing me then and there and forgetting about it, pursuing a friends with benefits approach to it, or asking me to be his girlfriend. I may be missing grey areas, but I know of no more middle grounds and I'd need to know before I get ideas into my head (which, funnily enough is exactly what I'm doing now). I'm not sure it would have helped matters one bit, but I should've been able to read the signs and figure D wanted nothing serious. I could've spared myself the trouble of making myself believe it was. If I'm perfectly honest, I don't know how to be in a relationship, but I'd love to be in one with LesMisGuy. I'd settle for friends with benefits or fling, should it come down to that, but only as long as it had a name and I could be certain of it.

I want the closeness. I want the human contact. I even relish the prospect of making him smile. The fact that being in a serious relationship with him is something I see as a bonus probably tells more about my self-esteem and my low expectations than it does about how much I'd like it. Or how much I like him, for that matter. I really like him. Oh boy, do I...

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