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Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Massive of black hole proportions

I feel like a massive idiot. I walked by the department with LesMisGuy to go ask how the whole taking one seminar instead of the other thing works. Turns out, it doesn't work. Not for him. I'm some sort of special case and they're not making more exceptions. Very incredibly stupid of me to tell him he might get that over with too by joining me. Also, while we waited I mentioned I'd treat myself to dinner this weekend if I made it out alive this week. I asked if he'd like to come with (i.e. I did my best performance of the "asking him out" act). His answer, and I do mean all of it, was "(name of the restaurant)?". I won't even be surprised if I end up avoiding him tomorrow out of shame, embarrassment, and an insurmountable sense of guilt and self-awareness.
Someone hide me. Someone lend me a time machine. To think he was being his usual lovely self (minus the glances during class). Boy did I fuck up. Boy do I feel stupid.

[1:08pm edit]
Nope, I did not feel all that stupid, come to think of it. Which is to say, I felt incredibly stupid, which is why I'm surprised to feel even more stupid now. You see, I just needed to talk to someone. I needed to tell someone that I felt stupid, I needed to tell someone what had happened and get some feedback. I sent A a text message. I left N1 a facebook message. EBF was online so, in spite of the fact that he'd already left my hours old message saying I thought LesMisGuy's adorable unanswered, I sent a message saying how idiotic I felt. He laughed and told me to calm down. I felt relieved to find him willing to answer, so I elaborated and explained. Then silence. N1 got back to me. She laughed and said I'd made her day. A got back to me, she said LesMisGuy could shove a stick up his ass and we'll have to go have a Sex in the City night out to dress up and drink alcohol. EBF didn't get back to me. An hour passed by and I had to go meet a professor (he wasn't around the first time). I felt rude not saying goodbye to EBF. That's innacurate: I wanted to tell EBF that I needed some feedback and could use anything he could say to me, but it was too needy, so I figured I might as well just say I was leaving. So I sent a message saying I had to go feel idiotic some place else and talk to a professor.

That's when he answered. He said he was sorry but he'd gotten caught up in a hardcore talk with N2. It happened yesterday when he started talking to me saying he was drunk and if I wanted an honest opinion I'd better ask for it then and there. A couple of sentences back and forth he disappeared. It was the same this time. Except yesterday I had shit to do, and was working on the functional analysis partial exam/homework. And today I really needed to talk to him. Serves me well for giving up on him and then counting on him, doesn't it? The worst part of it is how much more upset it made me. When I went to talk to the professor teaching my students he even pointed out I looked worried. That's how bad it is. I can't even keep a straight face.

Not sure it will even come close to making up for it, but I ran into a guy who asked to borrow a board pen from me the other day. I don't even know his name. He said he owed me a pen and asked if I needed it. He even offered to pay for a new one. He was so nice I had to decline (after all, they do give new ones away for free and I already have a few working pens). It's nice to know there are such nice people around, if not all the time. If not really what I need. It's nice to know there are nice people around.

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