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Thursday, 5 May 2011

It's gotta be me

Has to be. I just don't know what it is I did. Is it because I may have taken his board pen? I intend to return it, as soon as I talk to him and remember to tell him about it. Is it because I looked away on Monday? Is it because he's gay? Is it because I said something insensitive? Is it because I did something silly? What is it???

He avoided me again today. When I made it to Pentagono I was about to tell EBF how he hadn't shown up, even though he usually does, just to avoid me when I turned around and saw him. I waved hello and he came over, somewhat reluctantly. He stood up, though he could've taken a seat (I was available) and the chit chat was reduced to maths, very hard to drag along. I wanted to ask him out, but figured EBF's probably right: I'd better wait until he's acting a bit more like his lovely self, I don't stand a chance as is and I'll just feel unnecessarily awkward being rejected. All I managed was to ask if he'd like to pair up with me for the game theory presentation.

Before the colloquium I sat on a table just outside the classroom. A couple of hours before the colloquium started LesMisGuy walked by with a friend (one of the guys from Monday). They didn't say hello. They didn't sit on my table (even though they totally could have). They sat on the floor ahead of me, leaning against a wall. I realised I was blushing a bit too furiously when I looked at LesMisGuy, most likely the result of how much I like him and how bad I feel that he's mad at me and how I want to disappear if it will get me out of his way so he's happy. I hoped he'd get up at least 5-10min early to get a seat, but he didn't. I got up a mere 5min or so early to go in and my seat was taken, so I took the one next to the guy sitting there. Against all hopes, LesMisGuy didn't arrive before CartoonishGuy took the other seat next to me. Much to my horror. I'm positive he's always got a cold. Positive. Just like I'm positive LesMisGuy's mad at me and not just moody in general. He was his lovely easygoing self with his friend today. He laughed, he chatted, he was dorky and awesome.

It's something about me and I don't know what it is. I'm at my wit's end. And it's getting me down like nobody's business. I know I'm not made of kevlar, but at the very least there should be some strips of teflon around there, somewhere. I should be able to let slide the fact that he's avoiding me, and yet not only does it affect me, it actually saddens me. I feel disappointed, I feel unwanted, I feel like I'm a nuisance. I blame myself and can't even figure out a way to fix whatever I did wrong or find a way to find out what it is I did wrong in the first place.

The only highlight of my day today? SweetGuy walked by me and said hi, smiled, asked if I was working on the functional analysis partial exam and said he was working on it too. He doesn't know how lovely he makes my days just by being his unbelievably sweet self.

On other news, it would seem I can always count on EBF to know me better than I know myself. He asked what I made of LesMisGuy's behaviour and mentioned I'm so good at reading people. You'd think I might have that in mind sometimes, but I find myself second-guessing all my judgements of character lately. It didn't occur to me to actually trust my judgement when figuring LesMisGuy was avoiding me and had to ask for second and third opinions to make sure.

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