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Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Bad timing

It's horrible timing for a breakdown, because there's too much going on and too much to do, and too much of everything altogether. And yet I'm breaking down. Fuck.

There are so many things at work here: there's the partial exam tomorrow and another one on Thursday; there's the fact that I have to hand in a thesis proposal on Thursday, signed by some professor as my tutor and the one I wanted as my tutor is away on a trip and I was just told that we have to hand this in today by SweetGal; there's the conflicting feelings and thoughts about everything concerning EBF; there's the sheepishness, shame and varying degrees of stupidity I feel because of what went on with LesMisGuy today; there's plenty of frustration at the thought that I just might not be able to get my degree next semester, I may not get the loan on time for next semester, I might waste my money going to that seminar, I won't have a bright academic future, I feel like a failure when compared to my sister, I don't know what I want from life and I wouldn't know how to get it. And glee is on tonight, so I'll be wasting precious time watching it because I'll be too distracted if I don't watch it.

You know what? Rejection doesn't sit well with me. It may not sit will with most people, but it's really particularly bad for me. I'll always find ways to make everything my fault, and I'll always find fault. Being rejected by LesMisGuy could be less bad, only it isn't. Being ignored by EBF feels an awful lot like rejection. That one's a bit more obvious. And yet it shouldn't.

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