Search This Blog

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Whatever happened to protocol?

I had this dream last night, about LesMisGuy. If you consider I also had a dream about him the night before last (albeit a rather boring one, one I can't even remember), it's a whole lot of dreaming about him, wouldn't you agree? In my dream from last night, I was sitting on a chair next to LesMisGuy and did what I could to lean so I'd be touching him. Somehow that ended up with me having my arms around him, over his shoulders, as he walked out. Turns out it was kind of uncomfortable and he'd been crouching while he walked to keep up until I let go. We talked and he asked something about the schedule of the class I intend to take next semester, the one about representation theory. He seemed interested in taking the class, but was concerned with the schedule (which is horrible). I had made up my mind that he shouldn't take the subject just to be with me unless he was interested enough to not mind the schedule. Not sure how that ended up, as we got in an elevator where we ran into Srq, I got on one elevator with Srq and LesMisGuy was stuck in another one. I talked with Srq about something academic I can't remember now and that was about it.

Monday, 30 May 2011

One of those times again

I'm actively waiting again. I keep checking my e-mail, I've kept my phone nearby (as opposed to out of battery, out of reach and out of sight). It's ... well, I wish I could say I knew something's going to happen, because I'd be out of my misery as soon as whatever it is happened, but right now I'm waiting for something to happen and the right words for that are "hoping wishing intensely." I wish I could just suddenly be surprised by a text message from LesMisGuy asking me out. I'll settle for seeing him online and willing to chat for a good while. I've considered sending a text message myself, something along the lines of "ok, I'll give it one last try: want to go out with me?" and I've been holding back. For one, I believe he just might not get the "last try" bit. Then there's the fact that he might still just not be up for it, whatever the reasons. And I haven't mentioned I don't really have the balls, not quite.

I sort of want to talk to EBF first, get some advice from him, and yet I'm hesitant about that too. I even deleted him from my contacts' list again. My last attempts at conversation met the same fate that awaited most every other attempt over the last couple of years. If LesMisGuy came out of the blue I'd even be willing to go out in spite of the toe I smashed with a falling cutting board. I just really want this to happen, you know? Can't help but feel that the more I expect it the less likely it is to happen. So I'm stuck watching crappy films and feeling disappointed by The Big Bang Theory writers.

Saturday, 28 May 2011

Wishful dreaming

So, I had a dream about my little one and another one about LesMisGuy. In the dream about my little one she was sick, but our neighbours didn't really know and gathered round her to offer ways she could get better. I knew better. In my dream she'd been very sick when her lungs filled up with fluid, not dying-sick. It was raining, just like it's raining now, and I took her out for a walk. She dove into a puddle of water that was supposed to be warm, I assume she was cold, and let one of the neighbours' kid pet her. Woke up to knowing she's not actually alive and got very upset.

In another dream I just dreamed I was in university and was going to study and met Srq but ended up studying with LesMisGuy, nothing too eventful.

In another dream the people from glee went to a beach house borrowed by Rachel's parents' friends. When they got there there were incriminating pictures of Rachel with old drag queens and she needed a lawyer. Enter Debra Messing in very insane jewish mode.

The last dream I remember is one about leprechauns and princes. I'm not sure who I was in this dream. I know there was a group of kids, peasants, in a broken cart pulled by a horse who had to carry some things some place with some sense of urgency. As the cart was broken, the big girl taking care of the other 2-3 got some magic device the size of a small box to turn into a new cart, a very pretty white one. I was following (or being) a young man and a leprechaun. The young man was on a sort of mission, following the road where it led him, quite literally, as the road opened up, broke, and let boulders rise to guide him. The leprechaun was helping him and had given up a few of his powers to do so. He was a relatively young leprechaun and was prepared to not be allowed to vanish and suddenly show up on people in order to help this young man.

For the time being, he was helping him by having given him a white horse with some prince's armour and coat of arms. That's how when they ran into the kids with the cart he got mistaken with the actual prince no one new, just because of the coat of arms. The kids asked for a blessing to help them get on their way, and so the young man did what he could to pretend to bless them and told them to get wherever they had to get in 3 hours' time, not 6 (why 6? not the faintest...). They thanked him and got on their way. I don't know what happened after that, but the kids got into trouble and next thing I know they're all hiding at the leprechaun's father's place, and the younger leprechaun is being lectured for going so far out of his way to help the others. Last I remember someone had come over to visit the father leprechaun and they had to hide.

Oh, what do you know? It only just stopped raining.

Thursday, 26 May 2011

Some way to start the day

I fail functional analysis. Fuck. Let's just call it already: I'm graduating sometime between never and when hell freezes over.

Wait. I didn't fail measure theory. The day after hell freezes over it is.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

A barbecue

I had this dream last night where my parents were throwing a barbecue and LesMisGuy came over. I was wearing some hideous old-clothes outfit, and he didn't seem to mind, bless him. Last I remember I was at the barbecue, which was in a cupboard where the rosebush is, grilling a couple of sausages, and he came to join me. He'd been sitting on the doorsteps to the garden before that. I liked that he'd come looking for me. There were some odd appetisers made with very thin slices of courgettes and aubergines. He had one of those.

Monday, 23 May 2011

Rejection, we meet again

Have I mentioned how rejection does not sit well with me? Even when I know it's silly? The game theory presentation, they sent an e-mail telling us to prepare it, and sent a list of papers to present. I'd already sent an e-mail notifying I was planning to work with LesMisGuy. Then they sent another e-mail saying it was optional. So I e-mailed LesMisGuy asking if I should find a new partner or something, because, you know, he doesn't really need the other grade. And he answered no. With a sad face, for whatever it's worth. By then another e-mail had been sent telling us it was fine to do the presentations on our own. I still had to ask, right? Why do I feel so stupid, then? I know, it's just a stupid presentation. I know, it means nothing. I know he threw in a sad face. I know it's not about me, it's about the fact that he's a practical man, and I love that about him. I know, I'm supposed to ask him out for real, feel rejected when he lets me down then, not now. I know... to some extent. I also know I don't know how to ask him out again and can't think of a reason to be with him until I find a way.

So all I know is I'm feeling a little desperate here, a little lonely, so very clueless... I'd love to have another good conversation with him. Last time was awesome. I wish it hadn't ended so soon. I'd love to have many good conversations with him. I'd love to have that turn into asking each other out and it would really help if it was him who did the asking.

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Take them away

Take away my social skills points. Write me a note saying how many I'm owing now. I'm such a dork! I noticed LesMisGuy got online. I stared at his name on the screen for a few minutes and opened a window and typed "hey, how are you?". Then I debated about whether or not to actually send the message, until I tapped my finger on the enter key as I listened to glee and sent the message without really intending to. He said "good, and you?". I tried to crack a joke about the end of the world. Silence for a while. It seems he's just answered. He's playing along. Maybe I didn't completely fuck up.

To your senses, woman! It should be ok to talk to him. Even just to chitchat. Especially to chitchat, if I'm ever to talk about anything other than maths with him. Here's hoping I don't fuck up and the conversation turns out to be a nice one.



Don't take them all away. We're actually having a conversation. A nice, funny one. AWESOMENESS!

And, just like that, it's over. He's off to take a nap. Oh well... it was nice while it lasted.

Still nothing

Well, I'm back from today's measure theory test and I'm quite sure I'll be stuck repeating it. Fuck. On another subject, I don't know how much of it I imagined, and how much the cold still early morning air had to do with it, but as I walked to the classroom I was maybe 20ft behind LesMisGuy and I could smell him. Are you supposed to be able to smell someone 20ft away? I drank tea for the cold, which gave me a serious case of "needing to pee" so I sort of ran out of the exam after having made my mind up that I couldn't possibly make matters any better for myself and I'd be refrained from thinking properly if I failed to get to a bathroom.

LesMisGuy wasn't out yet, and I really wanted to come out with him, but the part where I needed to pee took priority. As I walked out I walked behind Srq and another guy. I tried to keep my distance (I felt intrusive so close to their conversation) but after a while Srq caught up with me and asked how I'd done and we walked out together. Then as we got out, bus pas in hand, LesMisGuy drove by and asked if we could use a ride. I might have shown myself a bit too eager. Then again, I couldn't stand around deliberating because he was stopping all the cars behind him. It was a short ride half way here. We talked about the exam and the answers we gave. I kissed him goodbye and thanked him. Then I got back here and hours later realised my lips looked disgusting. It was the tea, I'm afraid, it sort of stained my lips and made them look like they were incredibly dry and chapped, the skin flaky and brown. Only they weren't really. Not that I would've been making out with LesMisGuy today. Unless he considered it and forgot about it when he saw my lips. Or not. Never mind, I'm being silly.

Now, I'm hoping we get to meet again, if only for the game theory presentation. I'm a bit conflicted between thinking I have a shot at asking him out again and wishing he'd be the one to do the asking. He's the one in the safe position here, anyway. I'm exposed and at risk of getting hurt if I'm rejected. He already must know I like him. Oh, please let him like me. And please let him ask me out. And please let things work out so we can be together. It could be so wonderful...

Thursday, 19 May 2011


Two things I remember from last night's dreams. The first is I had a dream where I got to see everyone's grades from teaching practice and realised I'd actually done a lot better than most. The second involved a group of 3-4 teenage boys who reminded me of Harry Potter and friends, not so much because of the looks as because of the British stereotype of young boys in the 1970s-1980s, and the clearly magical context. They were in a top room of a fairly old fashioned house and they were doing "naughty" things like smoking (cigarettes, from what I gathered). There was a sprite by the window. It was about a foot tall and had the form of a plump, stout old woman with long pig tails and a face not unlike that of the evil witch in Howl's Castle. She was spying on them and threatening to tell on them. So they let her in and teased her. Not sure how that worked out for any of them.

Don't tell me

1) I think CartoonishGuy might have the hots for me. Please let this not be the case. So uncomfortable.

2) I could not help overhearing some sleazeball talking about taking a cut of a lot of money through politics. I had to write it down, at least what I remembered. I did what I could to pass on the information. Maybe it will help stop something (it's all planned for after June 29th). Maybe it won't. I'd like to think there will be a few less millions missing if it's any good. I'm still outraged. I can't believe I took the time to take note of the things he said so I could type them down later. To think I've got an exam to study for...

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Don't know what to blame it on

Could be the fact that yesterday's glee episode featured a funeral. Could have compounded with the fact that the Sex and the City episode I just watched featured a funeral too. Was certainly not made better by how much of an idiot I feel today and how I'll get proof of how much of an idiot I am by not getting a new loan for next semester. And then there's probably some PMS to throw into the mix. I'm feeling particularly pathetic today.

So I must be mental. I felt like an idiot during today's exam. LesMisGuy was lovely, and also a bit distracting. We didn't talk much. I gave up right a short while after he got up, hoping to catch up with him talking to the others, but when I got out it was just the others. CartoonishGuy was very sweet, asking how I'd done, so much so I have to give him credit. I was feeling like crap because our professor talked to the professor I'll be doing my thesis with. I had no means to convey how sorry I am, and how embarrassed, to have not even talked to him. I can only tell myself it's all my fault for not getting something together sooner, something he could back up via e-mail. I don't know. I felt like crap having to say I was in a hurry, asking if I could still ask for his advice. I failed to meet LesMisGuy then, and didn't even remember he'd be in Pentagono and I could have met him there til I got back here.

Srq called today to ask if I was around campus and we could get together and study. I said I wasn't, but maybe we can meet tomorrow. He said he'd drop me a line or something. I said he could meet me in Pentagono. I mustered up what I could together into a text message asking LesMisGuy if he'd like to study tomorrow morning. About an hour later, he answers no. He probably won't be studying much. Of course, he doesn't need to study. It was silly to ask. Srq probably won't turn up tomorrow. I know that already. Here's one other thing I know: before this semester's over I'll only get to see LesMisGuy on Saturday morning for the measure theory final exam. There's no way I'll get to talk to him then because he'll likely enough leave before me, and even if we leave at about the same time I don't think a particularly nice conversation will ensue. I'm afraid we'd be stuck asking how we each did and then saying goodbye.

This all leaves me in about the same predicament as last semester. Only now I have reason to believe he might just go on avoiding me and will not agree to go out with me (or will agree and then we won't make arrangements). I don't think I can rely on him to come out and ask me out. Right now I get the feeling that it's not going to happen, he's just not interested. He's too nice and I'm misinterpreting that as hope, but I really shouldn't. Now I feel stupid for sending that text. I feel stupid for sending that text, worrying about what I wear, wearing make up, and trying to reach out to him in such ridiculous ways. I...



... I really should study.

But I gotta add one more thing to that list. I wrote all of 6 or so pages LesMisGuy and I were supposed to write together about our presentation, and sent him a (crappy) version of the built book. So maybe it was a crappy version, and maybe he didn't study at all for today's exam. But he hasn't mentioned anything about the part we had to write. Not as in "can I help you out with that?" or "hey, I noticed you wrote it down for me, thanks a bunch!" not as in anything other than *crickets*. It was a lot more work, and I really didn't expect him to, but Srq did come out and say "hey, I didn't actually write any of it, you get full credit, thanks and well done." I know, tiny little thing. But it upsets me so, and I'm not sure it's just my general state of unbearable heaviness. I guess I don't like to be proven wrong about him being a nice guy. If he were, he would've come out and said something, anything. Wouldn't you agree? He can't be that nice a guy, then, and he probably lied when he said he didn't like to lay back and rely on others to do his work. It means I'm wrong about him and I shouldn't have fallen for him in the first place for thinking he's so great. Fuck. Fuck. I'm at my wit's end here. Why, oh, why can't it be any simpler?

A quick edit: I failed today's exam, miserably. Spectacular failure, when you consider this professor has a hard time awarding grades as bad as mine, and mine was the absolute worst. To make matters worse, I saw LesMisGuy online. I waited a bit, and went online myself. Goodness knows what for. Now, after my awful grade (and his very good one) I don't dare talk to him. And I don't dare go offline, because maybe he'll have something to say. Or not. Most likely not. Of course. Shit.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

So maybe I do have a type

First things first: I had a dream about my little one on the night before last. In my dream I had at least two dogs, and I'd neglected one when my little one died. Only the neglected one was exactly like my little one, maybe a little smaller and a bit of a scaredy cat. I'd been forbidding her from sleeping with me on the bed and she'd been staying away from me (not even seeking my company) all this time. I felt very guilty and petted her when I ran into her in the kitchen. I even decided I'd let her sleep with me that night. Woke up mortified.

On a somewhat short update, I'd like to point out a few things. The first and most important one being that I believe I've found a pattern: I seem to get crushes on men I don't understand and can't read. Maybe. I don't know. It occurred to me as I asked EBF for help reading LesMisGuy. Because he looked lovely today (he always looks lovely, he just had a haircut and a shorter-than-usual beard today). And I could not read his behaviour. For the life of me.

We took the exam. I made sure to leave not long after him, making sure he saw me. He stalled just outside the classroom, and I said hi as I passed by him fiddling with his phone. He took his cue to walk out with me and we talked a little. He said he had to run an errand. I said I'd go to Pentagono so I can avoid going on my schedule. He said he'd meet me there. He did. We talked a tiny bit, he hesitated, walked around the tables near mine, and settled for one of the big tables, away from me. Eventually, he was facing away from me, though he could've just been turned to the side. Then he switched seats, went to a computer. Then he told me the Pentagono guy had come over, so as soon as I was done with some guy I was helping (bless him, I may have ended up confusing him) I went there. By then LesMisGuy was on the little table next to mine. I got back and told him staying wouldn't account as hours of work, so I said I'd be leaving. I hastily finished the conversations I was holding with A and EBF about LesMisGuy, packed my things and made to leave, making sure to say goodbye. Now he was smiling, being wonderfully nice and he even extended his hand to hold my arm as we kissed goodbye. I daresay he even tried to make me stay a while longer, asking if I didn't have to do an hour from last week.

What the...?

Another fact hit me: I feel foolish because I believe I've done my best to do things "by the book," which in my case means by books I'll never admit to having read. You're supposed to show interest, you're supposed to seek him out, I've even gone out of my way to be more careful about what I wear, and how I look. I'm using make up on a daily basis and feeling guilty about what I eat, for crying out loud! And he does nothing, except being his lovely self and then turn into some very confusing form of himself.

Monday, 16 May 2011

Can't wait to be done with exams

I had some very odd dreams last night. Several of them were nested. I know it because I was trying to go over them, telling them to someone else just before I woke up. I'm afraid I don't remember as much as I could about them. Two of them, though, I just can't forget. So on to those two and we'll see if the others come along the way.

Dream number one was a very pleasant one. I was in a room with high stools (I'm tempted to say it was a bit like a bar, only it felt more like a room of the kind you sleep in). LesMisGuy was there. I'm not quite sure how one thing led to the other, but pretty much out of nowhere I chose to hug him. When I did, I could feel his heartbeats and I could tell he was excited about the hug, so I didn't let go. There was a very weird moment then where he asked me to smell him (to be more accurate, near his armpit). Weird, yes. But he and I were both thinking about the same thing: Major Histocompatibility Complexes (I called them Immunological instead of Major in my dream and just now I had to double-check). Apparently his sense of smell wasn't all that good. He, of course, smelled lovely. I pointed out I would've been freaked out if anyone else had asked. Somehow, it was sweet that it was such a nerdy thing to do. I get the feeling that there should be more to this dream, but just now I had trouble remembering the part where I smelled him. Bummer.

Dream number two is a rather disturbing one. Not as disturbing as other dreams I've had before, it just makes me a bit uneasy. I was in what was supposed to be my room with another girl. Thin, very pale, a bit smaller than me, light brown hair, very thin lips. She wanted to make out with me and shut the door locked to do it. I was all in, until we actually kissed. She was aggressive, but her kisses were cold, wet, harsh and sloppy. Very unpleasant. Just a few seconds into the make out session the cleaning lady at my house asked to come in. After that, I wasn't all that eager to make out with her anymore.

Of the other dreams... I only remember my dad taking us to a chinese restaurant.

Friday, 13 May 2011

You see?

I knew it. It was a matter of thinking things were going well for LesMisGuy to drop off the face of the Earth. So now I both miss him and will be stuck doing his part of the work I was hoping to do with him (namely, writing a document about the presentation we did). Also? I'm very, very, tired. But that isn't exactly news. And I'm disturbed. I tutored my cousin's cousin for an algebra test and the conversation strayed. Next thing you know I'm learning how you're socially dead if you don't know the names of all people up to 4 years ahead of you, if you fail to ignore your "friends"' orders not to talk to guys because they either fancy them or once did, if you have a nickname that speaks of you being too nice, or somehow fail to keep a secret what everyone will be finding out waaay too soon anyway. Hell. I wouldn't have thought school could be that complicated. Indeed, my social interactions don't seem to take so much information into account. Ever.

Very quickly then:

- SweetGuy is sweet
- SweetGal is sweet
- LesMisGuy can not be read, (ever)
- I need to figure out a way to ask LesMisGuy out
- I need to study so very much
- I need to do so much
- people from maths are sweethearts
- I feel old
- being a teenager is apparently waaay harder than I remember (or I had it too easy)
- I don't think I'll get my degree, ever, though it is nice to know my uncle's being reasonable and telling me to take it slow (not that I will, though)
- I had a dream about my little one: my mum brought over a dog, one that looked just like her, only she'd just had her hair cut and seemed both scared and estranged; I felt miserable at the thought that this new dog wouldn't like me, couldn't recognise me and wouldn't grow to love me like my little one did (or I like to believe she did)
- Mum mentioned how we don't have pictures of my little one laying around and how she ran into one looking at something else. I almost cried. I can't hold the tears back now.
- I still feel like a failure
- No news of EBF

Wednesday, 11 May 2011


Just when I think things will be awful and I'm ready to hide and avoid LesMisGuy I run into him without intending to at all, he's his lovely self and we spend two hours together. I just hope it doesn't turn awkward come tomorrow. I don't feel like elaborating, except for the fact that he tried telling me about silly programming errors he was shown in a class, hilarious ones, and he laughed trying to tell me. Makes me like him even more. Oh, and a special mention to SweetGal for being sweet. She asked how I was doing with my thesis proposal. Isn't she the best? (Now I feel bad, I intended to write back and say thanks a bunch and now it's too late and I forgot to... I did say thanks when I ran into her today the first time... not sure it's enough, though. Crap.)

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Bad timing

It's horrible timing for a breakdown, because there's too much going on and too much to do, and too much of everything altogether. And yet I'm breaking down. Fuck.

There are so many things at work here: there's the partial exam tomorrow and another one on Thursday; there's the fact that I have to hand in a thesis proposal on Thursday, signed by some professor as my tutor and the one I wanted as my tutor is away on a trip and I was just told that we have to hand this in today by SweetGal; there's the conflicting feelings and thoughts about everything concerning EBF; there's the sheepishness, shame and varying degrees of stupidity I feel because of what went on with LesMisGuy today; there's plenty of frustration at the thought that I just might not be able to get my degree next semester, I may not get the loan on time for next semester, I might waste my money going to that seminar, I won't have a bright academic future, I feel like a failure when compared to my sister, I don't know what I want from life and I wouldn't know how to get it. And glee is on tonight, so I'll be wasting precious time watching it because I'll be too distracted if I don't watch it.

You know what? Rejection doesn't sit well with me. It may not sit will with most people, but it's really particularly bad for me. I'll always find ways to make everything my fault, and I'll always find fault. Being rejected by LesMisGuy could be less bad, only it isn't. Being ignored by EBF feels an awful lot like rejection. That one's a bit more obvious. And yet it shouldn't.

Massive of black hole proportions

I feel like a massive idiot. I walked by the department with LesMisGuy to go ask how the whole taking one seminar instead of the other thing works. Turns out, it doesn't work. Not for him. I'm some sort of special case and they're not making more exceptions. Very incredibly stupid of me to tell him he might get that over with too by joining me. Also, while we waited I mentioned I'd treat myself to dinner this weekend if I made it out alive this week. I asked if he'd like to come with (i.e. I did my best performance of the "asking him out" act). His answer, and I do mean all of it, was "(name of the restaurant)?". I won't even be surprised if I end up avoiding him tomorrow out of shame, embarrassment, and an insurmountable sense of guilt and self-awareness.
Someone hide me. Someone lend me a time machine. To think he was being his usual lovely self (minus the glances during class). Boy did I fuck up. Boy do I feel stupid.

[1:08pm edit]
Nope, I did not feel all that stupid, come to think of it. Which is to say, I felt incredibly stupid, which is why I'm surprised to feel even more stupid now. You see, I just needed to talk to someone. I needed to tell someone that I felt stupid, I needed to tell someone what had happened and get some feedback. I sent A a text message. I left N1 a facebook message. EBF was online so, in spite of the fact that he'd already left my hours old message saying I thought LesMisGuy's adorable unanswered, I sent a message saying how idiotic I felt. He laughed and told me to calm down. I felt relieved to find him willing to answer, so I elaborated and explained. Then silence. N1 got back to me. She laughed and said I'd made her day. A got back to me, she said LesMisGuy could shove a stick up his ass and we'll have to go have a Sex in the City night out to dress up and drink alcohol. EBF didn't get back to me. An hour passed by and I had to go meet a professor (he wasn't around the first time). I felt rude not saying goodbye to EBF. That's innacurate: I wanted to tell EBF that I needed some feedback and could use anything he could say to me, but it was too needy, so I figured I might as well just say I was leaving. So I sent a message saying I had to go feel idiotic some place else and talk to a professor.

That's when he answered. He said he was sorry but he'd gotten caught up in a hardcore talk with N2. It happened yesterday when he started talking to me saying he was drunk and if I wanted an honest opinion I'd better ask for it then and there. A couple of sentences back and forth he disappeared. It was the same this time. Except yesterday I had shit to do, and was working on the functional analysis partial exam/homework. And today I really needed to talk to him. Serves me well for giving up on him and then counting on him, doesn't it? The worst part of it is how much more upset it made me. When I went to talk to the professor teaching my students he even pointed out I looked worried. That's how bad it is. I can't even keep a straight face.

Not sure it will even come close to making up for it, but I ran into a guy who asked to borrow a board pen from me the other day. I don't even know his name. He said he owed me a pen and asked if I needed it. He even offered to pay for a new one. He was so nice I had to decline (after all, they do give new ones away for free and I already have a few working pens). It's nice to know there are such nice people around, if not all the time. If not really what I need. It's nice to know there are nice people around.

Sunday, 8 May 2011

Should be good news

One good thing: a couple of e-mails back and forth, LesMisGuy might be coming to a 3 week seminar with me. If there's anything to be understood about that it has to be that he doesn't plan to go on avoiding me. So that's good, isn't it? Not so good when you consider how little I've accomplished this weekend, but something's gotta give. I'm sticking to it: good news.

Saturday, 7 May 2011


A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches, whatever you wish for you keep. Have faith in your dreams and some day, your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true.

I had this dream last night, one I really wish would come true, you know. I had a dream that I was with LesMisGuy. At some point we were lying next to each other on a bed, our legs crossed with one another's, his arms around me. He asked if that's what I wanted, if that was what I'd wished for, and playfully made his way to kiss me. In my dream I went 2 days without sleeping, and we kept meeting online to talk.

In another dream I was in MaA's house, with people from Ctg, including D (but somehow this is unimportant). She was trying to cook mexican food and I tried to help her with the meal as well as serving some ice cream. She was her usual spoiled self, trying to coax her mother into buying things on a whim (this time it was something like the ice cream scooping spoon, only it was supposed to be plastic and for vegetables).

There was yet another dream, one that involved Harry Potter characters and the wizarding world, but I can't remember anything about it.

Minor fun fact: I just realised that the song I stopped before going to sleep was "Cinderella," by Paul Anka. Heh...

And here I was, thinking I'd come up with the title based on nothing but the song "Cinderella" sings in the Disney film...

Thursday, 5 May 2011

It's gotta be me

Has to be. I just don't know what it is I did. Is it because I may have taken his board pen? I intend to return it, as soon as I talk to him and remember to tell him about it. Is it because I looked away on Monday? Is it because he's gay? Is it because I said something insensitive? Is it because I did something silly? What is it???

He avoided me again today. When I made it to Pentagono I was about to tell EBF how he hadn't shown up, even though he usually does, just to avoid me when I turned around and saw him. I waved hello and he came over, somewhat reluctantly. He stood up, though he could've taken a seat (I was available) and the chit chat was reduced to maths, very hard to drag along. I wanted to ask him out, but figured EBF's probably right: I'd better wait until he's acting a bit more like his lovely self, I don't stand a chance as is and I'll just feel unnecessarily awkward being rejected. All I managed was to ask if he'd like to pair up with me for the game theory presentation.

Before the colloquium I sat on a table just outside the classroom. A couple of hours before the colloquium started LesMisGuy walked by with a friend (one of the guys from Monday). They didn't say hello. They didn't sit on my table (even though they totally could have). They sat on the floor ahead of me, leaning against a wall. I realised I was blushing a bit too furiously when I looked at LesMisGuy, most likely the result of how much I like him and how bad I feel that he's mad at me and how I want to disappear if it will get me out of his way so he's happy. I hoped he'd get up at least 5-10min early to get a seat, but he didn't. I got up a mere 5min or so early to go in and my seat was taken, so I took the one next to the guy sitting there. Against all hopes, LesMisGuy didn't arrive before CartoonishGuy took the other seat next to me. Much to my horror. I'm positive he's always got a cold. Positive. Just like I'm positive LesMisGuy's mad at me and not just moody in general. He was his lovely easygoing self with his friend today. He laughed, he chatted, he was dorky and awesome.

It's something about me and I don't know what it is. I'm at my wit's end. And it's getting me down like nobody's business. I know I'm not made of kevlar, but at the very least there should be some strips of teflon around there, somewhere. I should be able to let slide the fact that he's avoiding me, and yet not only does it affect me, it actually saddens me. I feel disappointed, I feel unwanted, I feel like I'm a nuisance. I blame myself and can't even figure out a way to fix whatever I did wrong or find a way to find out what it is I did wrong in the first place.

The only highlight of my day today? SweetGuy walked by me and said hi, smiled, asked if I was working on the functional analysis partial exam and said he was working on it too. He doesn't know how lovely he makes my days just by being his unbelievably sweet self.

On other news, it would seem I can always count on EBF to know me better than I know myself. He asked what I made of LesMisGuy's behaviour and mentioned I'm so good at reading people. You'd think I might have that in mind sometimes, but I find myself second-guessing all my judgements of character lately. It didn't occur to me to actually trust my judgement when figuring LesMisGuy was avoiding me and had to ask for second and third opinions to make sure.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Down and paranoid

After the looks, the sweet and dorky smiles, how adorable I found LesMisGuy on Monday, and maybe a little yesterday, I'm a little baffled.

When I got myself to class a little too on time, so he was already there when I got there. I sat next to him, said hi and got stuff out to try and take notes, but didn't take notes (or pay too much attention). I tried glancing his way, but all I found was him texting away, sometimes reading on his kindle, but mostly texting someone. As you'd expect, I felt left out, ignored, unwanted, and jealous of the phone and whomever was at the other end of the line. I curled up as much as I could away from him, feeling that I'd somehow be in his way if I did so much as place my elbow on the table too far from my chest.

When we got out of class I waited by the lift, and when he came by and realised the lift was in the first floor he decided to walk out. I tried walking out behind me but never managed to catch up with him, so I just made my way to the maths department to run a couple of errands. I got to the next classroom and found him reading and drinking coffee. I took out a bag of chips and offered him some. He took one hesitantly and didn't take any more, which was odd enough (he knows he can just reach any time for more, and I happen to know he likes these chips so that's not it). When I was done eating I offered him some gum, which he refused.

During class I almost didn't dare to look at him, but tried anyway, only to find him paying attention or working away on his own. For a good while there, he didn't even ask to borrow my notebook to check up on the hypotheses needed for theorems. He eventually asked a question or two, but it was strictly business, if you will. During the short break I offered him cookies, and he had a piece, and then I offered gum again, but he didn't take any. We had 5-10min and he just sat there reading as I sat feeling like an idiot, trying to concentrate on drinking tea. As if you could concentrate on drinking tea. I was wondering why it was all so weird between us today when it had just been so lovely on Monday.

When the class was over, I timed my packing to make sure I'd be out with him. But just as I got up to put on my jacket and he stood next to me putting his jacket on, just as I had time to think maybe we could walk out together, he said goodbye and I froze. I said goodbye too and walked out making sure not to take the same way out as him. What else do you do? We could have walked out together, we could have talked. I could have asked him out. But he said goodbye and, frankly, I believe it would have been rudely insistent of me to try and walk out with him anyway.

I could swear he was mad at me today. And it kills me to think so. If it weren't so overly dramatic I'd almost want to cry. In my infinite paranoia I wondered what I've done that could have upset him so, and all I came up with is this: I looked away on Monday and I left AOB a facebok message that could be misinterpreted (perhaps?) as a booty call. So I found myself on the way back here thinking of what an idiot I must be, what a failure I am, how impossible it is for things between LesMisGuy and I to ever work out, and what I'd say to LesMisGuy to make him stop being mad at me.

Dear LesMisGuy,

I hate to be this kind of girl, and I promise I hardly ever am, but I can't get the thought out of my head. Are you mad (at me)? If you're just mad, all you have to say is yes, I'll understand if you don't want to talk about it. If you're mad at me please tell me what it is I did to upset you. Was it the message I sent AOB? Did it look like a booty call to you? I assure you it is not. AOB just happens to be one of the very few people who understands me in all my quirky weirdness. He understands (and sometimes shares) my dislike for human contact. He knows about my paranoias. He knows I'm weird and we allow ourselves to be randomly weird around one another. He shares my interest for weird films and books that make you think. Just like me, he's a hopeless romantic. He's one of the nicest, most correct people I know and I'm honoured to be called his friend. I swear a booty call with him is the last thing on my mind for the weekend.

I've got a craving for asian food. Would you like to have dinner with me on Friday night? If you don't like asian food, let me re-phrase: I really want to see you, would you be interested in going out with me? Maybe for dinner? You do know I have a crush on you, right? Please get back to me if you're interested. Pretend I said nothing if you have no good use for this information. I'll do my best to pretend nothing happened either.

Yours (truly),


Monday, 2 May 2011


I should probably write down the last couple of days' soundtrack because it's already changed and I'm not sure I want to forget what it was: "What Kind of Fool" as sang by the wonderful Warblers.

On to my day today. I talked to LesMisGuy yesterday (which took a bit more effort and time than it should) and we agreed to meet today a half hour before class to talk about the presentation. He met me, and so did 3-4 friends of his (guys) he brought along. No asking him out then. It's weird how they all came, said hi, and then sat by the table but didn't participate in the conversation I was having with LesMisGuy about groups. And then when we left they left too. Weird. Got me a little paranoid, too, because in my fucked up mind I wondered if LesMisGuy had brought them over to check me out or something. Then came the presentation. I sucked, I must have been staring at the board pretty much all the time. LesMisGuy, I couldn't stop thinking about him and how absolutely lovely and adorable he is and what a moron I'd be if I didn't adore him because I have only every reason to.

We both took different paths stopping by restrooms to get to the next classroom. I was having chips, and offered him some. After a while when he reached for chips he found there were few left and refused to eat them. I told him he could have them but he refused. Then I offered him a piece of gum and the class began. There were quite a few glances but one in particular that wasn't a glance at all. We looked at each other beaming for a couple of seconds and then a fraction of a second too many. Why too many? Because I blushed and looked away as a reflex, suddenly feeling very self-conscious about staring at him and smiling like an idiot when there was only a room full of people possibly looking at us. I shared some cookies with him (this time he did take the last cookie), he offered a piece of gum and the class went on. When the class was over, however, he didn't even say goodbye. I tried chasing after him but after a while he put on his headphones and I felt silly chasing him and he didn't really stall so I didn't bother. And later I realised I was supposed to stay behind and talk to Srq, who mentioned studying together (which we probably should).

I stopped at a restroom again and as I got out ExamGuy was talking to some other guy. I walked on by, and after a while he caught up with me and we chatted a bit as we walked out. Tiny bit weird.

Today's soundtracks: I woke up with "Mr. Sandman" (Pomplamoose version) stuck in my head.

I just woke up and set the alarm again and daydreamed half asleep of being with LesMisGuy and the song made it in and wouldn't get out. Then after the first class today was over I got "As if We Never said Goodbye" stuck in my head (I love Chris Colfer, I've mentioned it before, right?)

 and then "Le Jazz Hot."

If there's anything to be said of my day today it's that I find LesMisGuy to be incredibly adorable, I adore him for it, and I can't get him out of my mind. I can't wait to find a moment to tell him about it, or at least ask him out. To paraphrase LeBlanc... that godly smile!

Sunday, 1 May 2011


Couple of things about Friday... You know how working on the presentation for group theory was the best excuse I had to spend time with LesMisGuy? Not happening. He was supposed to be online Thursday night, only he wasn't. Friday at 6pm he sent a text asking how we were splitting the presentation. I haven't finished reading the paper, so I said we could stick to the division he made on Thursday and I'd do the first part. I added we could talk about how long we'd each be taking to present what we had to and we could redistribute the information accordingly. haven't seen him online since.

It dawns on me that relying on that lousy presentation to spend time with him was a terrible idea. I need to find a way to ask him out for dinner. Or to tell him I like him. Possibly through a rhetorical question. In my mind, this is the way it plays out: we're walking out of university together and just as we're saying goodbye I ask him to hold on just a second. I say I have a rhetorical question to ask and say "you know I like you, right?". Then I've no idea. Things could go very badly, but I'd have the advantage of already being on my way away from him. Then if it's awkward... well it's already awkward. Or, he could ask me out. I couldn't help but wish he'd do so when he sent those text messages about the presentation. He's got my number. I was the ballsy one at the end of last semester, he can be the one to ask me out this time. Still, no matter how big a coward I am, I can ask him out and/or tell him I like him. I just need the right time and place to do so.

In short, my life, as far as LesMisGuy is concerned, is very uneventful. Not so N1's love life. Though I doubt that's the right word for it. She was on some event and posted pictures of herself on facebook. Then her firefighter person came out of the blue and sent her a text message to say she looked hot in the pictures (in so many words). Class act, isn't he? Doesn't stop there. He said he'd drop by her place sometime after midnight once some fight on television was over. She agreed to meet him. She had L1 give her advice about what to wear and what to do. He picked her up, they parked the car on a McDonald's and they exchanged a few words. And I do mean they must have been very few, even if I don't know it first hand. Some minor chit chat led to him asking if he could kiss her, so she said yes. And they kissed. But he was aggressive (and that's her word, not mine) and went right for a full on French kiss, stroking her arms, her hair, her waist. He remarked how soft her skin was, how soft her lips were how good a kisser she is. She pointed out his arms are hairy. He asked how far she's ever gone with a guy. She gave an honest answer. He offered to finger her. I'm going to stop right there because that's about the time I had to stop thinking.

I pointed out to N1 that D's a douchebag. I'm quite sure about it and I can say it without hesitation. But even D was classier than this firefighter. Why, by comparison, D was a gentleman! I suppose it shocks me a little more knowing how much more of a prude N1 is. And how much of a naïve, horny prude at that. She told me she'd said to take it slow and he'd said he respected that. They're going to the cinema tonight. I couldn't keep it to myself, and I pointed out what I just did. When I felt bad about it I left her another message I was as happy as she was that they kissed but I didn't like his out of line attitude. She didn't say anything. Next thing I know she's offline. When I told A about all of this, she pointed out N1 may have done more than she let on and may have been too embarrassed to admit to any of it. I reckon it just may be the case.

You know what was weird, though? A was quite serious about how depressing it is for her to find out that N1 has more of a sex life than she does. I don't mind it much. Which is to say, I was a little upset about her getting to kiss the firefighter before I got to kiss LesMisGuy, then I felt petty and condescending when she told me what a massive horny cheeseball the guy is and felt smug that LesMisGuy's nothing if not wonderful and a gentleman (a true one at that, mind you). Then I had time to worry about her and what a terrible situation she's in: maybe I'm being overprotective, but I doubt she's ready for what this guy wants. I doubt I'd be ready for it and I have a tiny little bit more experience than she does. Things can go very bad very quick. And it's all down to how long it takes her to realise this. I tried to warn her not to let her guard down. I told her it didn't sit right with me that he was coming out of nowhere to say she looked hot and want to meet her. I had to say how badly it speaks of him. It's trouble and I can tell. I'm worried she'll condone him too much, like I did D.

So there's that.

But I said there were a couple of things about Friday. I forgot to mention that as I walked out of class I walked along a group of 4 guys and couldn't help but overhear their conversation and smile. One of them was asking another what it was like to kiss a man, which was answered with a brief paraphrasing of "amazing" I can't quite remember. The young man answering expanded a bit and told he'd been in a relationship for over 3 years. The others seemed very understanding and happy for him. They joked a little. I just smiled. It made me so happy to witness such understanding.

Oh, and my dreams... I had a dream where my parents were throwing a barbecue here and A and her parents came over. My little one was here and I can't help but get the eerie feeling that people knew she was sick and just chose to ignore it. Something was said about my dad bringing a new dog soon. I was very upset, still am.