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Monday, 25 April 2011

Wouldn't know what to think

So, here's the deal: I've got my period and a cold. The result? I'm like a wounded animal, with an instinct to hide. Except I'm also very self-conscious about being contagious and bleeding. And, did I mention broken? Basically, I both want to hide and stay as far away from people as I possibly can because it's my attempt at feeling safe and comfortable. So there's that.

Now, consider the following: LesMisGuy mentioned he won't show up for tomorrow's teaching practice class, because it's a drag and because he's got something else to do. At first he said "secret!" but when I asked why it was a secret he just said a girl friend of his had talked him into going to learn portuguese with her. Also? He was particularly absorbed typing away on his phone today. Even though our measure theory professor called him out and asked him to stop, this time he kept on texting. He was spotted again, but the professor didn't bother to call him out again. He usually acts embarrassed, puts away his phone real quick and forgets about it. This time he seemed so... insistent. I'll be damned if that wasn't a girl he was talking to. And I'll bet he's trying to get into her pants or he wouldn't have been so insistent. Guys don't talk that much, nor do they usually bother to talk when they know they shouldn't and normally wouldn't (like LesMisGuy during class, after the professor asking him to stop). So? Either something very highly unlikely happened, which would have merited him stepping out of class and actually talking to whoever was on the other side, or he was really eager to get into someone's pants. Tell me there's another explanation. I'd like to hear it.

On its own it probably wouldn't mean much. But come on! Paired with how many girls he runs into around campus and his facebook wall? I can't help but think I'm right: he may not have a girlfriend, but he sure has plenty of girl friends and ain't forgetting to reap the benefits. I feel silly. Why would he want me now? He wouldn't. He's got better options, he's got saner options, he's got a wide selection of girls to choose and I'm pretty sure I've done nothing to get me into the top picks. Not sure I can do anything to get there, either. Not sure it's even worthwhile if I'm right and it turns out he's a bit too much like EBF (or maybe even D) that way.

And you know what makes it worse? He was the tiniest little bit nicer than usual today. When he greeted me he both squeezed my shoulder and gave me a kiss. Before he ran out of class he gave me a kiss goodbye too. Kind of unusual. Paired with what I said about how I want to hide and be alone and how I actually avoided him a little and made sure our chairs weren't too close together? It turns into multiplier bonus for his niceness and I've got one big load of wayward arrows pointing at nothing. I'll ignore the minor mirroring that took place today during class. I don't know what to make of him. I don't know why he'd suddenly turn the nice up a tiny notch and it befuddles me even more when I pair that with the fact that everything points at the existence of other girls he might be more interested in.

I asked A. She told me to make a move already. Not that I'd know what move to make. Or how badly I'd be screwing up if it turns out he's put his eggs in someone else's basket. So I left EBF a message asking if he could spare some advice whenever he's around. I just feel so foolish. LesMisGuy! Here! I like you! I just can't seem to act like it or act normal around you for that matter. I really don't think you like me, and I don't suppose you should, but I really hope you would, you know? All in whispers from a corner, possibly while several other girls are all over him with signs, t-shirts and speakers.... This is ridiculous. I do realise it to some degree. I just can't seem to get my head around it. I hate to think of myself in these terms but, how am I supposed to understand he's into old bottles of wine when I see him surrounded by bottles of beer (and not bad beer, either)? It's an acquired taste and I've no reason to believe he'd prefer it to the beer. Not that I'd have a way of knowing if he's drinking any of it, though. But he very likely is, I figure. He'd be a fool not to, wouldn't he?

*sigh* I've got papers to grade.

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