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Monday, 25 April 2011

Blame it on the rain (or the tears)

I'm pretty sure I forgot what that phrase is supposed to be about, so I'll just go ahead and use it as a crutch: I don't know what to blame what on, but I'm feeling broken. Could be my period (hate hormones, hate having a uterus, hate the bleeding, hate the mood swings). Could be the fact that I had a dream about my little one. Could be the fact that the conversation with LesMisGuy was so disappointing. Could be a sudden spurt of missing EBF. Could be none of the above, just some of them, all of them. I have no idea. I. just. feel. broken.

Here I was thinking... well, I don't know what I was thinking. I suppose I was just going over my day, or what I remember of it. I tried to think of something to wear to class today to get my mind off of it, but couldn't get my head around it. I ... I ... I don't know. I got stuck thinking about conversations. How I can't have a proper conversation with LesMisGuy any more than I could with D, how I used to be able to have nice conversations with EBF, how I had nice conversations with Srq, how unawkward conversations with N1 and A are usually like. I had time to wonder if the link between the awkward conversations with D and LesMisGuy extended to those with EBF until I realised (or at least thought I remembered), that conversations with EBF ended with me leaving a message he never answered. Maybe trying with something else to say, all to no avail. I'm wondering now if that's what happened with LesMisGuy too, only EBF can't be counted on for the subtlety of throwing some excuse every time. Come to think of it, he only sort of excused himself twice saying he'd fallen asleep drunk on beer. Last times we talked. That's it. Every other time I just...

So to recap, here I was feeling lonely and then lonelier. For all the daydreaming in the world, you just can't coerce a good conversation, you can't. And well, I'm not sure what the hell I'm looking forward to then. I'm trying to tell myself it can just be a matter of taking baby steps, we'll work our way into good conversations, he'll get to know me, maybe get my jokes, maybe not mind the rogue random remarks. Maybe it just takes time. And then I realise, I've got nothing to go on. And I was just telling N1 about exactly this sort of thing. I don't know if LesMisGuy's interested, I don't know if he cares, I don't know (and can't imagine) why he would. I want to work my way into making things work but it just won't happen if I'm the one doing all the chasing. That's what hit me, what if I'm making this all up? Maybe he's just nice and I'm just delusional. Then ... well... then I have no use for EBF's blessings, now do I? And who on earth can I have a conversation with about conversations if not EBF, only we can't have a good conversation anymore? And where's my little one to turn to when I can't talk to anyone and just need a loving snore and some company?

If I can't make this work out? How can anything work out? I should be able to have nice, if possible wonderful, conversations with people I'm close to. I should probably have people to be close to, though. When people fail, I wish I had my little one to be close to. But I'm a hopeless romantic, and I do want to believe there's someone out there for me and I can have a meaningful long lasting loving relationship. Only I can't because there's a very good chance that, well I'm broken beyond repair for that sort of thing. And I'm well aware that you can't go around hoping to be fixed. What do I have to look forward to?

Existentialist? A little bit, yes. Suicidal? More like, I'm afraid. Because here I am, crying like an idiot, feeling lonely and having sod all to do about it, and I can't even think of something to look forward to in any near or distant future. I can't dream of a career: how am I supposed to pass the exams I'm missing, the subjects I need to pass (and on a time restriction, too) and get my ass out of the country and study and do well? What if that all works out? What then? Working at what? Doing what for a living and not enjoying myself and doing what to pay the loans and doing what after I pay them? What do I have to look forward to? I can't wait for things to "sort themselves out" because I'm too acutely aware of the fact that it's me who's keeping them from happening. I just can't seem to turn that into actually studying and doing well in exams, I can't get myself to grade my students' papers, I can't bring myself to think any more carefully what I say, lest I go trampling on conversations and killing them without realising it, only to look back on the mess I made and not being able to rekindle them back to life.

Silly old me, crying at silly o'clock. All because of conversations. Of all things. Why are they so important to me? Why do I need them so? Even the silent ones, like the ones where I just lay hugging my little one and I felt like everything I needed to say was being said, I everything I needed to hear was the sound of her breathing to tell me everything would be just fine. I miss the conversations that went without anything being said. I miss the conversations where anything and everything could be said. I miss the conversations where it was all right to suddenly stop talking. I miss having nothing to tell and yet tell tales and hear them. I miss the times when conversations could bring the loveliest thoughts to mind in the shape of images, metaphors, sounds and smells. I miss the times when I didn't have to look forward to conversations, they just happened naturally. I... I wish I didn't want to talk to EBF so badly. I miss a good hearty and kind-hearted discussion where I'm not necessarily right but I get a chance to believe I just may be. I miss the reassuring feeling of opinions different than my own. I suppose they reminded me that I'm not alone, I'm worth listening to and worth telling things to.

My last conversations? Other than the one with LesMisGuy? Let's see: A and I talked about soft core gay porn, Darren Criss, how she held hands with the guy she made out with (her brother's friend), and how we get nothing done. Completely unimportant. N1 and I talked about some russian guy who got a speeding ticket and was hot so she thought he was cute and got ideas into her head. I told her not to be silly, you're not supposed to forget platonic relationships are just that: platonic. You're not supposed to look forward to things happening based on nothing but "he looks good." That's it. Before that I tried to explain some very basic rules about writing in English and translating to Spanish, but he wouldn't hear. I ... I've had no more conversations today. And then before that... well, nothing much, either. N1 and I were still talking about boys, A and I were still talking about Darren Criss, Chris Colfer, gay porn, and maybe make up. All meaningless. Time consuming lots of nothing.

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