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Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Almost, but not nearly

So... For someone who just got back from miserably failing an exam, I'm not doing all that bad. Not sure it's enough of a reason why, but LesMisGuy's shoulder squeeze greeting might have had a tiny little effect. Not nearly enough, though. The fact that when he said he was cold I thought the best way to solve that was to hug him and settled for saying I had chocolate coffee sort helps no one. Except it could have helped me at least if we'd actually hugged (I was cold too). Right. Too much time spent thinking of hugging him and trying hard not to lean on his shoulder. The exam wasn't all that bad, either. It just required a lot of memory and to be honest I can't very well solve a problem based on the solution given in class, less so when I actually know and partially remember bits and bobs of what we did and class because a bad memory of that is a biased memory and it will cause me to make mistakes.

Very annoying. So, I'm very much annoyed at myself for failing the exam, mad at myself for not pushing myself to study harder or at least regret the lack of study a little more, and thinking that getting rid of this "down" feeling will take no less than a hug from LesMisGuy (because that would be so incredibly awesome).

On other news, I suddenly sort of wanted to tell EBF about LesMisGuy. I mean, I could really use the advice, but I'm not 100% sure that's what this is about. I don't know what got into me, because most of the time I just brush the "advice" argument off with dumb pride and let go of it. This time it's different, I actually want to talk to EBF and tell him things and it occurs to me that asking him about LesMisGuy would be a good way to start. Odd enough when you consider I sort of had a way to do that today when I asked about him graduating. He could have asked about my graduation, when that's going to happen or what's up with my life in those terms, but didn't. Then again, maybe I didn't let him. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know.

[9:32pm edit]
Goodness! I just remembered something and I can't believe I'd forgotten about it. You know how the fact that I said nothing probably means today's group theory class was completely uneventful and I was too busy thinking of leaning on LesMisGuy's shoulder to do anything? Well, not this time. It just means I'm forgetful. I happened to listen to quite a lot of what was said in today's class, and I have to give the little guy explaining the Hall Marriage theorems credit for it as he truly was brilliant. I also happened to half notice LesMisGuy glancing my way at least once. He also happened to borrow my notebook. I happened to notice he does lean back just out of habit. Haven't seen him playing with his lips though, so maybe that one's not a habit... not that his habits would actually mean anything. Not sure why I bother to notice.

To the point (can you not just tell I'm such a prude? I assure you you will in a bit): CartoonishGuy made some remark (as usual, he always makes remarks) so I turned his way, looking past LesMisGuy. And I did just intend to look past him, it's a reflex to turn to the speaker during class unless I'm particularly unwilling to look at him/her or lazy to turn back. Again I'm beating around the bush: LesMisGuy was leaning back on his chair, his legs stretched ahead of him and (Cambridge dictionaries tell me the right word for this is) jiggling. His legs/feet I gather, but his whole body was moving a little. Which, you know, brought boning to mind. I do declare I almost blushed. I most certainly had to take a while to brush the thought out of my head before I kept on paying attention.

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