## Thursday, 28 April 2011

### So very tired

oI slept about 3 hours last night. The reason? EBF was online. He waited for over an hour of us both being online to tell me what he couldn't resist telling me: some sexcapade he couldn't tell anyone else. He said he was sorry but needed to tell someone. I asked why he was sorry, I didn't see it as a particularly "bad" subject (considering I'm not exactly new to it). He proved he knows me better than I know myself sometimes: it's not my favourite subject and I wouldn't want to hear. Spot on, it's not my favourite subject and I don't want to know, I don't need to know. I've just gotten to a point where I don't mind knowing the details but feel uncomfortable not being able to make conversation because I can't relate to the things he says. So I ended up saying it was fine but he couldn't count on much feedback other than "great, have fun" from me. Then I ended up telling him a little more about LesMisGuy, and he reassured me again and pointed out I must be quite a sight when I'm around LesMisGuy. Again, quite true.

Which leads me to a recap of my day today. Woke up silly tired, taught my class silly tired, made my way to game theory class, silly tired. LesMisGuy took a while to arrive, but we at least waved hello when he sat a seat ahead and one to the right. ExamGuy was next to me and I couldn't help but find it very awkward that when I glanced at LesMisGuy (I'm not sure if this is the sleep talking, but he was particularly hypnotising today) ExamGuy was looking at me, which made me feel self-conscious and look away and go back to grading papers. Bless him, he's lovely, but I just fell for LesMisGuy. Once out of the class, the professor tried asking me if I'd understood today's class. I dismissed him as quickly as I could, which might, I'll admit, have come across a tiny bit rude, and got out looking for LesMisGuy, hoping to talk to him about the presentation. To no avail. I made my way to Pentagono and was swarmed by a group of three girls who remembered me and were all over me before I even took a seat. LesMisGuy showed up a while later (I love it when he shows up, even if we don't get to talk... I just love seeing him... and he looks particularly awesome teaching). And left a short while after that.

So by the time I was free and got up looking for him I realised he was gone and sent him a text message asking when he'd like to talk about the presentation. He said he'd meet me and did. We sat on that tiny table (maybe 50cmx70cm?) so close our knees touched. I know I always over-react to such things, but I just loved being close to him, feeling his warmth if only through my knees touching his. And then when he got up he patted me on the knees which was a little weird (who pats me on the knees?) but I realise is kind of ok and made me feel a bit like the first shoulder squeeze did. Did I mention he looked particularly lovely today? After all the doubting, boy am I sure I like him today.

Back on subject, we agreed to meet a half hour or so before today's colloquium after having read some of the paper to agree on how to split it. I read, I took notes, I bought a box of Runts and made sure I had no corn between my teeth. And then I waited. And then the time came to go into the classroom and take a seat. So I kept on waiting. Against my hopes that people wouldn't sit next to me (a couple of guys thought about it and then decided not to), and much to my dismay, CartoonishGuy took the seat next to mine. I could have minded less if it had been someone else, but CartoonishGuy doesn't smell good (not out of uncleanliness, I'm quite sure he's clean, he just doesn't smell good), he's very breathy when he talks (whole gushes of breath on my face when he asked if we'd signed the assistance sheet yet, gah!), breathes snot when he's not furiously trying to blow it out of his nose, and makes the most unpleasant gargling sounds with the snot he can't deal with through snorts and blows. Very uncomfortable. I retreated to my left, as far as I could from him, got my arms wrapped around me, as far away from him as possible, and did what I could not to look like Chihiro when she took the river god's money.

By the time LesMisGuy got there, he was last among the students and I'd just made up my mind that he wouldn't show up. He greeted me with a shoulder squeeze (just a fraction of a second longer than the usual) and took a seat all the way across the classroom. Not long after he sat down, I was already hypnotised looking his way. At one point he turned back to look at me and it. was. amazing. I smiled like an idiot and kept looking back, but there were people in the way and he dozed off and paid attention and didn't look back at me again. Then as we got out I stalled a little bit to make sure I walked out with him but he was out first. Only this time he waited for me. And he smiled (that smile!) and said he was sorry but he'd met with some professor for work on his thesis and got caught up with it. I asked if he'd be going away after all but he didn't answer. We took to talking about the paper as I walked to get on a bus. When we were almost there, he realised he was supposed to walk the other way and said goodbye. I'm not sure if it's just me, but there was something different about this air kiss. It almost felt like a kiss on the cheek and I even have a little trouble remembering which is which, only I know I remember his beard against my cheek. I also know I had to fight the urge to place my hand on his side, hug him and go back in and kiss him.

On the way here, when I wasn't trying to read for game theory or making sure I didn't fall asleep, I had time to think. If that presentation was my only excuse to spend time with him (and now I know it's not going to happen) I'm in big trouble and I'd damn better find something else to do. I have to find a way to do as EBF suggested and ask him to go out with me for dinner at the usual restaurant ( I hope he likes asian food...).

Though it may seem a bit contradictory with just how "average" my day was today, if there ever was a time when I might have fallen in love with him (if we were already together) it would have been today. I'm afraid of speaking the 'love' word so soon, so out of context, without really knowing him, without us being together, so I'll refrain from doing so. And yet it's been forever since I last felt that warm rush of "you're just so lovely... that smile... I adore you... can I kiss you?... I could really use a hug right about now... and always."

## Wednesday, 27 April 2011

### I think I need a time machine

On other news, LesMisGuy didn't show up for class today. Leaving aside the fact that I actually hurried through traffic (chose the wrong bus, it got stuck in traffic 10 blocks away from campus) to make it on time for class, looking forward to greet him, there's more important things. Like the presentation we should be working on and will have to do on Monday. And the paper we have to write about the presentation. Yeah. When are we supposed to do that if I have to run errands tomorrow afternoon and don't know how long those will take? (I gotta go get another loan for next semester and get my money back from the topology exam) That leaves whatever's left of tomorrow afternoon, Friday if he wants to stick around after he's done around noon, or the weekend. Now, I'm a bit tempted to get silly ideas into my head about seeing him during the weekend and being alone with him studying because in my mind it evolves into an excuse to look him in the eyes for just too long from too close a distance.

Back on subject, though, I'm quite serious about this.-We do need to get it done and it's been postponed for months now. Not that I've read the paper we're presenting carefully enough, but I don't want us to just say "ok, you prepare this, I'll prepare the rest, we're each on our own now" because ... well... I want an excuse to spend copious amounts of time with him, alone. And I don't think I can talk him into studying for game theory or measure theory with me because he doesn't need it.

Before I try and get some papers graded before I give in to Mr. Sandman, one last thing.

Dear couples of the world,

This is not about the fact that I'm single and sometimes I'm envious, can't believe people I deem worse than myself are with someone, or can't bear to be reminded of what I don't have. That's on me, I'll deal with it in my own time. This is about your behaviour in public.

Do you mind?! If you could just be so kind as to not argue or fight when either of the parties involved are stuck anywhere with plenty of people who cannot help but overhear and be in the middle of it? It's so impossibly uncomfortable. Ladies, this is especially true when you break into loud sobs. Please make sure you spare the rest of us from whatever troubles you are in. We're not interested, promise. We don't want to know. We don't need to know. I hate not being able to listen to my own thoughts because of an ongoing couple's fight nearby too loud to ignore.

While we're on the subject of anything too hard to ignore, please restrict public demonstrations of affection to a bare minimum. I don't mind hugs, holding hands, kisses, tongue kisses (as long as they're quite demure), and even playful hand placements. Do avoid groping, kissing that involves heavy breathing, moans, visible tongue action, heavy petting, and everything that involves genitalia. It's really very uncomfortable to presence. Do find some place private. Do wait until you get there.

Thank you,

linaThumbe

## Tuesday, 26 April 2011

### A little frustrating

Didn't talk to LesMisGuy at al today, forgot to mention that. Also? I scored a 4/5 in the essay for the teaching practice. Pretty sure it's the lowest grade out of them all (he gave them out best grades first, I figure, because he gave them with a nod and a "good work" and mine was last). LesMisGuy got a good grade, whatever he scored, the professor mentioned his was a good essay. I can't help but feel a little inadequate. I know it wasn't top notch, I know I'm not such a good writer. But really, all the professor wrote on my essay basically said "good," "glad you mentioned creativity," and the one "don't understand this" on the first sentence of the first paragraph. I'll have to check it, but I really did go through it a couple of times and felt I'd pulled a half-decent essay through. I don't believe that one possible misunderstanding (considering that my grammar and spelling are impeccable) was worth a whole 1 out of 5 in my grade. Very unfair, it felt. More so when you consider some of the other students tried to compare the "sins" our professor talked about to the real capital sins. If I do say so myself, my analysis was spot on, I just don't think it's something the professor agreed with or wanted to hear/read. So, you know, there's that. And I can't watch glee just yet (the video's loading).

### Now, if only I could trust my judgement...

EBF's verdict? Not a red flag. It's all in my head. If LesMisGuy's as interesting as I said he was, he'll go for the wine. But now, who's to say I was right?

## Monday, 25 April 2011

### Wouldn't know what to think

So, here's the deal: I've got my period and a cold. The result? I'm like a wounded animal, with an instinct to hide. Except I'm also very self-conscious about being contagious and bleeding. And, did I mention broken? Basically, I both want to hide and stay as far away from people as I possibly can because it's my attempt at feeling safe and comfortable. So there's that.

Now, consider the following: LesMisGuy mentioned he won't show up for tomorrow's teaching practice class, because it's a drag and because he's got something else to do. At first he said "secret!" but when I asked why it was a secret he just said a girl friend of his had talked him into going to learn portuguese with her. Also? He was particularly absorbed typing away on his phone today. Even though our measure theory professor called him out and asked him to stop, this time he kept on texting. He was spotted again, but the professor didn't bother to call him out again. He usually acts embarrassed, puts away his phone real quick and forgets about it. This time he seemed so... insistent. I'll be damned if that wasn't a girl he was talking to. And I'll bet he's trying to get into her pants or he wouldn't have been so insistent. Guys don't talk that much, nor do they usually bother to talk when they know they shouldn't and normally wouldn't (like LesMisGuy during class, after the professor asking him to stop). So? Either something very highly unlikely happened, which would have merited him stepping out of class and actually talking to whoever was on the other side, or he was really eager to get into someone's pants. Tell me there's another explanation. I'd like to hear it.

On its own it probably wouldn't mean much. But come on! Paired with how many girls he runs into around campus and his facebook wall? I can't help but think I'm right: he may not have a girlfriend, but he sure has plenty of girl friends and ain't forgetting to reap the benefits. I feel silly. Why would he want me now? He wouldn't. He's got better options, he's got saner options, he's got a wide selection of girls to choose and I'm pretty sure I've done nothing to get me into the top picks. Not sure I can do anything to get there, either. Not sure it's even worthwhile if I'm right and it turns out he's a bit too much like EBF (or maybe even D) that way.

And you know what makes it worse? He was the tiniest little bit nicer than usual today. When he greeted me he both squeezed my shoulder and gave me a kiss. Before he ran out of class he gave me a kiss goodbye too. Kind of unusual. Paired with what I said about how I want to hide and be alone and how I actually avoided him a little and made sure our chairs weren't too close together? It turns into multiplier bonus for his niceness and I've got one big load of wayward arrows pointing at nothing. I'll ignore the minor mirroring that took place today during class. I don't know what to make of him. I don't know why he'd suddenly turn the nice up a tiny notch and it befuddles me even more when I pair that with the fact that everything points at the existence of other girls he might be more interested in.

I asked A. She told me to make a move already. Not that I'd know what move to make. Or how badly I'd be screwing up if it turns out he's put his eggs in someone else's basket. So I left EBF a message asking if he could spare some advice whenever he's around. I just feel so foolish. LesMisGuy! Here! I like you! I just can't seem to act like it or act normal around you for that matter. I really don't think you like me, and I don't suppose you should, but I really hope you would, you know? All in whispers from a corner, possibly while several other girls are all over him with signs, t-shirts and speakers.... This is ridiculous. I do realise it to some degree. I just can't seem to get my head around it. I hate to think of myself in these terms but, how am I supposed to understand he's into old bottles of wine when I see him surrounded by bottles of beer (and not bad beer, either)? It's an acquired taste and I've no reason to believe he'd prefer it to the beer. Not that I'd have a way of knowing if he's drinking any of it, though. But he very likely is, I figure. He'd be a fool not to, wouldn't he?

*sigh* I've got papers to grade.

### Little one goes to China

I had this dream last night where I was in some tropical jungle with my sister. Right now, all I can remember seeing is some very peculiar pair of orange caterpillars. I got separated from my sister and she got my little one to walk around with. I walked around on my own and reached a small town where I was invited into a church. Now, I'm not sure it's the same dream or not, but in another dream I was at the dining room table and my sister had just got back from China with my little one. She seemed to be breathing heavily, but not quite at the worst as I remember it. I figured we still had time. We could buy her time if we took her to the vet and got him to get the fluid out of her lungs with a syringe. My mum seemed to know it wouldn't do a thing, but I said she'd have a much easier time breathing and wouldn't be so miserable. Yes. Traumatic.

In another dream I was at a small rustic wooden pier next to the stone entrance of some spaniard building. I'd helped some people escape in a spaniard ship and was now creating a diversion so they couldn't be caught up with. I had a key, or at least a metal piece that looked like most of one, and I threw it into the sea in a small nook between the pier and the stone where I saw an eel. I figured the eel would help scare off anyone who tried diving for it, and the sea did a good job crashing against the stones, so I figured it would get the key lost. Not so. When the sea calmed down and turned crystal clear, the man I was with could clearly see the key and the eel was gone. He dove in to get it. At this point the man was my uncle, the funny one. Then some family members were going to come pick us up by car, which oddly enough took place underwater. So odd.

### Blame it on the rain (or the tears)

I'm pretty sure I forgot what that phrase is supposed to be about, so I'll just go ahead and use it as a crutch: I don't know what to blame what on, but I'm feeling broken. Could be my period (hate hormones, hate having a uterus, hate the bleeding, hate the mood swings). Could be the fact that I had a dream about my little one. Could be the fact that the conversation with LesMisGuy was so disappointing. Could be a sudden spurt of missing EBF. Could be none of the above, just some of them, all of them. I have no idea. I. just. feel. broken.

Here I was thinking... well, I don't know what I was thinking. I suppose I was just going over my day, or what I remember of it. I tried to think of something to wear to class today to get my mind off of it, but couldn't get my head around it. I ... I ... I don't know. I got stuck thinking about conversations. How I can't have a proper conversation with LesMisGuy any more than I could with D, how I used to be able to have nice conversations with EBF, how I had nice conversations with Srq, how unawkward conversations with N1 and A are usually like. I had time to wonder if the link between the awkward conversations with D and LesMisGuy extended to those with EBF until I realised (or at least thought I remembered), that conversations with EBF ended with me leaving a message he never answered. Maybe trying with something else to say, all to no avail. I'm wondering now if that's what happened with LesMisGuy too, only EBF can't be counted on for the subtlety of throwing some excuse every time. Come to think of it, he only sort of excused himself twice saying he'd fallen asleep drunk on beer. Last times we talked. That's it. Every other time I just...

So to recap, here I was feeling lonely and then lonelier. For all the daydreaming in the world, you just can't coerce a good conversation, you can't. And well, I'm not sure what the hell I'm looking forward to then. I'm trying to tell myself it can just be a matter of taking baby steps, we'll work our way into good conversations, he'll get to know me, maybe get my jokes, maybe not mind the rogue random remarks. Maybe it just takes time. And then I realise, I've got nothing to go on. And I was just telling N1 about exactly this sort of thing. I don't know if LesMisGuy's interested, I don't know if he cares, I don't know (and can't imagine) why he would. I want to work my way into making things work but it just won't happen if I'm the one doing all the chasing. That's what hit me, what if I'm making this all up? Maybe he's just nice and I'm just delusional. Then ... well... then I have no use for EBF's blessings, now do I? And who on earth can I have a conversation with about conversations if not EBF, only we can't have a good conversation anymore? And where's my little one to turn to when I can't talk to anyone and just need a loving snore and some company?

If I can't make this work out? How can anything work out? I should be able to have nice, if possible wonderful, conversations with people I'm close to. I should probably have people to be close to, though. When people fail, I wish I had my little one to be close to. But I'm a hopeless romantic, and I do want to believe there's someone out there for me and I can have a meaningful long lasting loving relationship. Only I can't because there's a very good chance that, well I'm broken beyond repair for that sort of thing. And I'm well aware that you can't go around hoping to be fixed. What do I have to look forward to?

Existentialist? A little bit, yes. Suicidal? More like, I'm afraid. Because here I am, crying like an idiot, feeling lonely and having sod all to do about it, and I can't even think of something to look forward to in any near or distant future. I can't dream of a career: how am I supposed to pass the exams I'm missing, the subjects I need to pass (and on a time restriction, too) and get my ass out of the country and study and do well? What if that all works out? What then? Working at what? Doing what for a living and not enjoying myself and doing what to pay the loans and doing what after I pay them? What do I have to look forward to? I can't wait for things to "sort themselves out" because I'm too acutely aware of the fact that it's me who's keeping them from happening. I just can't seem to turn that into actually studying and doing well in exams, I can't get myself to grade my students' papers, I can't bring myself to think any more carefully what I say, lest I go trampling on conversations and killing them without realising it, only to look back on the mess I made and not being able to rekindle them back to life.

Silly old me, crying at silly o'clock. All because of conversations. Of all things. Why are they so important to me? Why do I need them so? Even the silent ones, like the ones where I just lay hugging my little one and I felt like everything I needed to say was being said, I everything I needed to hear was the sound of her breathing to tell me everything would be just fine. I miss the conversations that went without anything being said. I miss the conversations where anything and everything could be said. I miss the conversations where it was all right to suddenly stop talking. I miss having nothing to tell and yet tell tales and hear them. I miss the times when conversations could bring the loveliest thoughts to mind in the shape of images, metaphors, sounds and smells. I miss the times when I didn't have to look forward to conversations, they just happened naturally. I... I wish I didn't want to talk to EBF so badly. I miss a good hearty and kind-hearted discussion where I'm not necessarily right but I get a chance to believe I just may be. I miss the reassuring feeling of opinions different than my own. I suppose they reminded me that I'm not alone, I'm worth listening to and worth telling things to.

My last conversations? Other than the one with LesMisGuy? Let's see: A and I talked about soft core gay porn, Darren Criss, how she held hands with the guy she made out with (her brother's friend), and how we get nothing done. Completely unimportant. N1 and I talked about some russian guy who got a speeding ticket and was hot so she thought he was cute and got ideas into her head. I told her not to be silly, you're not supposed to forget platonic relationships are just that: platonic. You're not supposed to look forward to things happening based on nothing but "he looks good." That's it. Before that I tried to explain some very basic rules about writing in English and translating to Spanish, but he wouldn't hear. I ... I've had no more conversations today. And then before that... well, nothing much, either. N1 and I were still talking about boys, A and I were still talking about Darren Criss, Chris Colfer, gay porn, and maybe make up. All meaningless. Time consuming lots of nothing.

## Sunday, 24 April 2011

### Socially impaired

I'm so freaked out about starting a conversation with LesMisGuy I'm pretty sure it's hilarious. Either way, it should be so much easier to just say "Hey, what's up? How was your vacation?" wouldn't you agree? I'll just go on writing if I manage to talk to him. It's 7:12 pm right now. We'll see how that turns out.

7:17 pm now. Just sent a "hey, how are you?". This is exhausting. I'm positive you're not supposed to stare at a screen waiting to hit enter for that long.

7:18 pm now. He answered. I'm freaking out. Shit. This should be easier. Can you just block neurotransmitters for a while or two? I have to learn how to do that... Without becoming a moron, not sure how that would work... Now I'm digressing, I believe I should be getting back to him, do what people usually do when they talk. Talk back. It's like learning how to walk all over again.

7:21 pm now. "hey you. what's up?" that's his answer. Am I uncomfortable with "hey you"? Yes. Why? I've no fucking idea. I'm all over uncomfortable, though, so I suppose it only makes sense. I said I'm not sure if I'm sorry I took time off to rest during vacations and asked how his holidays went.

7:22 pm now. He wrote back. He was at Md. Got there by car. Almost got stuck there because of the rain. He writes such short sentences I feel ridiculous writing my usual long ones. Crap. Now I fear the conversation may just. get. stuck. . I said it seemed to be a thing among people from Bta, trying out traffic jams out of the city for a change.

7:26 pm now. He wrote back. Maybe he had something witty to say. Hopefully I made him laugh. I'm such a dork I'm sure it's hilarious. I just can't see it over the sound of how awkward I am. He just said he spent almost a day driving and got here at noon today. Right. I ... I'm starting to feel I must sound a lot like Kurt. I said "ew, I'd say the sights are pretty except everything looks just as boring when it's raining."

7:28 pm now. (This is tiresome, but I won't get around this without moral support and A, N1 and EBF are all offline right now). It didn't rain on them. "Cool then, it wasn't so bad, except for the part where you spent 17 hours stuck in car."

7:30 pm now. "It was bad. But it's over now". I couldn't help myself "*there, there* (it's best when Sheldon says it)". I'm starting to realise... I'm so weird. Man, how is he supposed to get me, leave alone like me? I forgot how unique A, AOB and EBF are.

7:32 pm now. Let's see if I at least got a chuckle out of him. Hopefully it's not an awkward change of subject. Aw. Change of subject. What did I do? Read Tolstoi, play FF, sleep, eat. Turn into a walrus, sort of. I left out glee. Not that he'd mind much. It's a damn weird mix anyway. Not sure I'm supposed to ask about his holiday, since all he said is he spent hours in a car. Maybe I will. Let's see if he says something back first.

7:38 pm now. *crickets* Come on, don't give up yet. (Cue some tennis player screaming at himself for encouragement).

7:40 pm now. So... "what did you do during your vacation?" A's now online! Good! I need some words of encouragement. I feel like an idiot.

7:42 pm now. Sightseeing. Getting to know the city. It would be wrong to ask if he saw plenty of beautiful women, wouldn't it? Instant kick into the friend zone. Not that I'm sure I'm not already there. Shit. Fuck. This is not supposed to be that hard. You think. you put your fingers on the keyboard and type. You read. You type again. So fucking simple.

7:44 pm now. Which FF? XIII, just got it for X Box. How was it? Yeah, it's in here somewhere, I won't write it down again.

7:56 pm now. Pretty... I was just about to say the conversation must've died, because he said something about how he'd never gotten around to PS3 or X box and I (as briefly as I could) summarised my gaming history. He just wrote back. You'd think I'd get the hang of this. Also? Starting to be reminded of the way D wrote, such. short. sentences.

8:03 pm now. So... I uh... talked about how I don't believe in getting stuff for free after he said something about how he'd be screwed in university if he had more video games. I realised I could've said at least two smarter things. The first being that FF mythology is more complicated than TLOTR mythology and the second being that he plays chess on his blackberry during class and it doesn't seem to affect his performance so I don't see how playing video games would.

8:07 pm now. I uh.. digressed, said something about how my sister has lucky strikes. I could really use changing the conversation. I can sort of feel it stagnating already. Quick! Think! Don't talk about classes! ... Well?... Um... Er... Well, if you don't play video games what do you do during your spare time? It will have to do, won't it? Nope, not a good idea. I realised it just as I wrote it down. You have a life is what.

8:13 pm now. He doesn't believe in raffles either. He's off to have dinner.

8:49 pm now. Still not back from dinner. Probably won't be, will he?

9:05 pm now. Yeah, he's not coming back. I just closed off the window. A's gone too so I'll be out of moral support too. Time to post then, no?

.........

Let's recap. I'd just opened the "Edit Posts" tab, I'd decided to place some labels on this one, maybe get some more writing done in another post. I was just making my mind up about whether or not to open a new post to say A actually thought her lip balm was fabulous (worked wonders on her chapped lips) and I'm pretty sure LesMisGuy was being nice avoiding me both saying he had to go and would be back and saying he'd go out with me and not getting back to me. And he just got online again. Not that we're talking just yet, though. I'll leave starting a new conversation up to him this time. Yes, I need not bring awkward upon myself again. Not to mention I'll seem a bit too all over him if I give in. Right. So I'll just go back to checking the documents my dad asked me to. 9:37 pm now.

I'll just leave the window open in case he does talk to me. Just in case. Which probably means he won't. Right. I'll just post again. Check my dad's grammar.

Minor rant: My dad literally copied and pasted the fucking document, threw it through some crappy online translator and gave it to me to translate back. Fucking outrageous. And he wouldn't even take advice on how not to fuck up so bad on the bits he translated himself. He's hopeless. Can't feel pity for the old man crying his eyes out in desperation if he's this much of a useless old man.

Back on the subject of LesMisGuy, no conversation ensued. He probably was just being nice. Or scared away from me. I really am a bit too weird for most people's comfort. Now, it's 12:27 am and I'm only just starting to react. Not sure if one of those stages things, but right now I'm a little pissed off. At the fact that the conversation was crap. Even though he tried to be nice. Even though I had A to talk to and not freak out so damn much. Boy can I pick them. If I'm right about this hunch I'm having right now (blame the PMS if you will, I don't know what I make of it just yet), he's a seamless blend of EBF and D. And it... I can't say it sucks, he's awesome and I'm not taking that back. He's just not for me, though, is he?

### I fail at social networking - Part 2

Oh boy... I can't believe how happy I was to find LesMisGuy accepted my facebook friend request. It's a tiny bit insane. So I told N1, and A, and snooped around a tiny bit. Two things: the first is that he looks a lot like Darren Criss on pictures (A pointed this out and I had to agree), which is kind of awesome (and then again, most things about both of them are); the second is that he seems to be hit on by girls quite a lot. Which sucks. It sort of messes me up because of the whole "I'm so insecure" thing. Ok, so maybe it's not exactly he's hit on by women. But I do find it a tiny bit dodgy that wall posts are made by girls, not guy friends, and that they say things like "I love you", "I want to talk to you/see you/call you." It makes me uncomfortable. I get the feeling that if I don't hurry the fuck up someone else will get to him before I get to, and I will have wasted the first chance of having a crush on someone since forever, which is in conflict with the part where I'm such a loser and such a coward and I really need to talk to EBF about this to get a grip. *sigh* Like I said...

### Becoming a vegetarian

I had this dream last night that we were going to buy something to eat at Mc Donald's but we were bringing our own two chickens with us. They were featherless, stunned, and almost dead. Had they been dead I wouldn't have minded all that much, but they weren't. Their heads were still on, their eyes bandaged so they couldn't see a thing. Next thing I know I'm keeping them safe and crying for them, wanting to take them home and nurture them back to health (which, come to think of it must have been almost impossible). Also in my dreams? My little one. I had a dream where we were all in my aunt's car and she was in the back with me, often looking out the windows, sometimes laying down next to me as I petted her. In another dream I was in university, doing something that meant I had to skip the first hour of functional analysis on Tuesday. Chord Overstreet was there with me and when we were done and walked by the classroom he said he wasn't going in. There was one bit where we rode a bus that was a classroom inside only there were people from school1. And there was another dream where I was at the coliseum from school1, it was muddy, and several of my preschool teachers were there. My mum spoke with them. Can't remember much else, except for a bit that seemed straight out of FF with crystals where you could teleport or get something else done, and one last bit where I was at a gas station with my aunt and they kept the gas in drawers in what could've been floating devices, and the man selling us gas told me to look for flip flops.

## Saturday, 23 April 2011

### I fail at social networking

Sent the facebook friend request at about 2-3pm. Still freaking out about the fact that it hasn't been accepted. And it totally should have been accepted pretty much right the fuck away, because of the whole bb thing. Right. Shit.

### Holiday round-up

So... turns out I've accomplished pretty much nothing useful during this not-nearly-long-enough break. I'm nowhere near done grading papers, I didn't study one bit for anything and I'm positive I'll know just how badly I needed to study way too soon. I'm afraid I've even wasted too much time and effort playing Final Fantasy XIII and trying to understand the game's plot. They get ever more complicated, and I have to say I'm not too fond of this particular game's plot, world, or characters. They're filling all the slacking off blanks with ridiculous nonsense to make you too dumb to realise how bad it actually is. The graphics? Amazing, sure. The story? Crap. The characters? I've known better. The theology/world/context? Very complicated, insanely and unnecessarily so, but in the end just crap too. Rather disappointing.

That about adds up half of the last week. One night went into make up with my sister. I did a golden eyeshadow look with the shimmery black one we bought in the outer corner and crease on her. She did an insane pinks and purples thing on my eyes, saying it was an editorial style kind of look. Then today A came by and we did the make up thing again. She wanted to try the burgundy eye pencil, so I gave her what advice I could telling her how to pull a look with that colour. I went for a rather classic set of instructions: liner along the upper lash line, a soft pink/deep purple mix on the lid, a deep purple/brown mix on the crease and outer corner, some liner, some black eyeshadow to smudge the liner. Not incredibly brilliant, I'm not sure that was a very smart colour choice for her. But it looked good, which is to say, it looked about as good as it was going to get (though I reckon I might've done a better job at it than she did following my instructions). In the end, I guess it's down to her not being all that pretty.

Sorry if I sound mean, I'm just trying to tell the truth. It's not very good proof that I'm trying to be objective, but my dad once remarked she kind of looked like Popeye in a picture. I'm not going to excuse my behaviour, my thoughts or my opinions, though, because I'm about to be actually very mean. Remember the make up we bought? There's a dark purple lipstick in there somewhere. It's pretty dark. I love it. A suggested to have me do a goth look. I said we didn't have nearly enough dark make up to pull that off and I wasn't about to smudge black eye pencil all over for the sake of looking dark and goth. To be honest, I felt she was trying to make me look ugly on purpose. Wouldn't have minded the goth look much (except that it would have been a pain to remove), I did mind that vibe I got. Very petty of her to compete like that, so much like "girls" (and we're hardly ever like girls), and very petty of me to notice (or make it up). It was weird. I settled for a pin up style look, only my sister put waaay too much liner on my eyes. So much I looked like an anime character. I had to tone it down a bit after wiping it clean. With red lips it ended up looking not at all bad, you know? I'd have to get proper matte eyeshadows to pull it off right, though.

Also worth mentioning, since A was coming over and I can't fight the sense or propriety, I had to get her something for her birthday. My sister was out for lunch with friends, so I asked her to try and find a nice book for A but she refused. I settled for walking to the mall nearby and trying to see what I could get her. But mum was feeling cheap and suggested I just give her some of the JUST products. I half-assed another birthday present before giving her the Mary Kay foundation, but figured it couldn't hurt if I found something not too medicinal-looking (A doesn't like doctors, or herbal anythings). I settled for a tube of lip balm that's supposed to be sold for a whopping (just over half of what I'd normally spend on a present for A). Mark my words, things are no more normal with A than they are with EBF. I decided I'd go to the mall anyway to see if I could find anything, or in the worst case scenario buy a really cool chocolate bar (I'm pretty sure chocolates aren't bad for A's thyroid gland problem). I figured I could just try to get her a nice shirt if I didn't find a nice notebook, only to find everything closed (as it's a holiday, go figure). So I just got her a dark chocolate Toblerone and packed that up with the lip balm.

So, not a very good gift, I'd know. I just... I figured it couldn't fucking matter much, you know? It's something useful, I reckon she just might end up using it (it's scentless and she does have very dry lips), and I threw in the chocolate for good measure. It's still a half decent gift, at least, and I can say I did put some thought into it. I just didn't care much what I got her because, in the end, she wouldn't have cared much what I gave her. It's like I say, we're not such good friends. She's the one person I've been friends with the oldest, but it's not true she's my best friend. I don't believe she's that good a friend of mine, either. I just trust her with more information than I do most others, and she sometimes tells me gossip she tells very few others. That's about it, I think. When you factor in how little we actually talk (or the fact that most of our late conversations are about loving Darren Criss, gay couples, my new found love of make up and her new found addiction to gay porn)... well, I have no good reason to bother with a proper good gift, but I can't pull off not caring at all so I half-assed it.

We did the make up thing, we had pasta for dinner, we watched glee, and A left. I was very annoyed by her not being very clean (licking her lips before applying lipstick), her poor understanding of what I thought were simple instructions, my sister's constant singing and dancing, and the fact that I could've been having just as good a time (if not better) on my own grading papers. There, I said it. To be honest, the one reason I pressed on to meet with her was to get the birthday thing over with, because it's been a month and we'd done nothing and it would've been wrong not to. I had to at least give her a present, and it had to be in person.

On other news, facebook. I realised on Thursday that LesMisGuy's profile is no longer private, as it's now showing up in searches without having to type his e-mail. I became a little suspicious of facebook upon realising that typing in the first letter to LesMisGuy's name yielded his profile at the top of the list even though there are at least a 2-3 facebook friends who could've shown up on top. Facebook's stalking facebook stalkers. Great. That made me so self conscious I couldn't go through with doing so much as clicking on his name and checking his profile. I only decided I'd go through with it sometime too early in the morning, and figured it would be weird to send a friend request at silly o'clock, so I didn't. I was planning to do it while A was here but I forgot and when I remembered my sister made my computer crash. So there's that. I'll send the request later today, sometime after lunch. I figure the last nudge in that direction was a friend request from some guy I suspect might be studying maths but I have absolutely no recollection of. I can't seem to remember hearing his name, or having seen him ever in class, but he's friends with people from maths. If people can pull that off, I can most certainly ask LesMisGuy to be my facebook friend, can't I?

I sort of need to be his facebook friend before we do so much as kiss. My odd sense of propriety wouldn't allow it. I can't believe how ridiculous the analogy is, but this is kind of like when I thought to myself I would not be getting my first kiss until my teeth were straight and I was done with the braces. Incidentally, I'd just had the braces removed when things with D worked out. I figured no kiss would be proper until then. I was young then, mind you... maybe 12-13? Still twisted, though, isn't it? Well, this one's a tiny bit more straight forward, but still feels necessary.

Assuming I'm right to guess LesMisGuy's a serious, long-term relationship kind of guy, I can't help but think a kiss would definitely mean something. And really mean it, you know? So, what kind of protocol is it to kiss someone, soon after that become a couple, and out of the blue post something like that on facebook? I reckon in this day and age, it would sort of be wrong not to post it on facebook if you're serious about it. I suppose it's because, to me, not mentioning relationships in facebook is "leaving yourself out there" for people to find and want to be with. Call me crazy, but I'm telling you these social norms make me giddy. I just stick to what feels right, whether it is or isn't.

This really is a lot of nonsense, isn't it? To think I haven't gotten on to rant about my dad yet... I'll cut it short because I'm very sleepy and I'll need the time to at least attempt to get some more papers graded. It's in here elsewhere anyway. I abhor the old man and pretty much everything he does. He yelled at my mum a couple of days ago and I made up my mind not to look at him and talk as little as I possibly could to him, avoiding eye contact as often as possible. For the stupidest reason too, whatever it was. He just goes into rages sometimes and becomes unreasonably mad at nothing in particular, which results in banging doors, yelling and tantrums you'd only expect from the most obnoxious of toddlers. It's that bad, really. I really just don't see why my mum sticks with him if not for a sense of what's right and wrong. Goodness knows my uncle could hire my mum to do what my dad does, my aunt would still let us stay in the house and we'd be better off not having tantrums or my grandmother to bother with. Not to mention the useless expenses. He's not going to get a better job, not even with my uncle, because it's beyond him. He just can't do better. I figure it could've helped a lot to know all the random stuff he knows, but it's wasted knowledge that keeps him from actually thinking properly.

My uncle and aunt told my parents off for not letting me go to the district attorney's office the other day, you know? I can't help but feel I could be so much better off with people like my uncle for parents... Mum and dad keep forgetting their manners (dad slurps drinks, chews with his mouth open, speaks with his mouth full, mum bites on the silverware and chews loudly). They're both becoming old people, smelliness and heavy breathing included. They're both growing stubborn and unreasonable. They're still acting like they think too much of themselves. They're embarrassing. I keep thinking that if things were to work out with LesMisGuy and I was ever to introduce him to the family, I'd better do so at a big family reunion, no matter how much bigger a deal it might seem. I'd be spared of having him exposed to my parents by having the time split between all other relatives, if possible spending time with my cousin's boyfriend (for the sake of the jokes) or little Sph (because she's just lovely and quite fun to be around, no need for grown ups or their nonsense or their judging). *sigh* I don't suppose that would take place any time soon. I sort of need to get the facebook thing over with first. And it would be awesome if something could actually lead to such a family reunion (i.e. LesMisGuy and I being together).

All bets are off then. Unless he asks me out I'm stuck wanting to kiss him and hug him, trying to muster the courage to tell him how I feel. Hoping I won't sound too stupid. Realising EBF's right telling me I should ask him to have dinner with me. Afraid we won't be able to hold a proper conversation for that long. Worrying I'm never going to graduate.

That's enough then, for now. Short term plans it is. For now. That means going to sleep.

## Wednesday, 20 April 2011

### Worst stalker evah

Two things. I can't add LesMisGuy as a facebook friend because his profile isn't linked to his hotmail e-mail. I did, however, snoop around it when I found it using his university e-mail because it turns out some of the info's no longer private. It would seem he's single. That's good, right? It also looks like he hasn't done much around facebook in about a year. Unless that's due to the fact that his profile was private for about a year. Which just occurred to me. If I'm right about him being single, it means EBF was right: if he wasn't he would've brought up the subject of a girlfriend. Wonder if he was right about the fact that he would've asked me out if he was interested. We'll see.

... Stealing a kiss from him wouldn't be very smooth, would it? I gotta keep reminding myself that I'm not living a script and that sort of thing doesn't actually happen... I just can't seem to get my head around the idea of kissing him and I can't seem to think of anything other than holding on to him as he kissed me goodbye and then slowly closing in for another kiss. I really can't be keeping up with all of this daydreaming. Not when I'm supposed to grade papers. And learn all sorts of things. And not fail exams. Crap. Thinking kissing him could help put that thought out of my mind doesn't help. Gets me stuck thinking of kissing him.

## Tuesday, 19 April 2011

### E-mail I should have sent

I sent an e-mail to my group theory classmates to see if I can get a grade for writing down the class notes. It was LesMisGuy's suggestion when I pointed out I sort of didn't have something to write and forgot to raise my hand. So he e-mailed me asking how that went (bad, no one answered). I replied I'd probably have to talk to the professor, see what else needs writing. The one thing on my mind was

## Sunday, 17 April 2011

### That was rather nice

I had quite a few dreams last night. One of them I'm quite fond of, I was sitting next to LesMisGuy, very close in chairs that moved around. We rocked from side to side together and held hands. It was nice. One odd thing, at some point when we were holding hands I just couldn't help myself and kissed one of his hands and he told me not to. Not sure what to make of that. Oh well...

In another dream I was in a pool with N1, a fairly deep pool (I could barely walk on the tips of my toes to keep my nose above water level). I can't remember too much about it except maybe it had something to do with a dream where lots of people from school1 were in a pool.

The last dream involved university. Over by the cafeteria there were actors playing some French play, sitting on a table. There were at least two big families involved. I walked around wearing my school1 uniform, which was odd enough. And I'd somehow gone back in time quite a bit. I was reading the physics book my uncle gave me. I sat on the grass and saw D with boys from school1 running out of the nearby building and pretending to fly, jumping on the grass. And then some guy joined me and looked at the solution I'd given to one of the book's problems and corrected me.

### Old timey

I've become addicted to "La vie en rose". I especially like the version done by Pomplamoose (but that's because they're brilliant at everything they do)

but I've currently got the Edith Piaf version in a loop.

Can't help but imagine one of those old timey slow dancing scenes, only it's the modern times and LesMisGuy's holding me in his arms. Some way to recover, that would be...

## Saturday, 16 April 2011

### Nearly wet my pants

This is... *sigh* Let's just start at the beginning, shall we?

My aunt asked if I could replace her today afternoon, and I said no problem, so I showed up just after 1pm and set up. Sometime after 5 lots of women came in. One of them wanted to buy two pairs of socks, two were looking at pants, a fourth wanted to look at sweaters for a newborn. The woman wanting to buy the socks didn't have change and neither did I. So one of the two looking at pants offered to give me some after the lady looking at the sweaters left. To be honest, I was too busy being busy to realise something was off, but people around me (bless them) did, so two of the saleswoman from the nearby shops came in. I simply couldn't cope with all of it, so I didn't see them trying to signal me, to warn me. When the lady with the socks walked away I had changed one of my $50,000 bills for change and taken a fake$50,000 from her as payment. I didn't realise this until the two saleswomen who had tried to help me before came in and asked to see it. The whole mall went into an uproar and they closed in on the two ladies looking at pants, calling them thieves.

When they shut the doors, one of the two women started fighting with one of the saleswomen who helped me and kicked her quite hard on the leg, just above her knee. They called the police, who were luckily nearby (across the street, quite literally) and accused them of trying to use fake bills. Crazy. The saleswoman who was kicked told me to tag along the policemen to see if I could get a real bill to replace the fake one I'd been given, so I did.

Now, I wanted to testify. It's the right thing to do. Even if they only put them away for 24 hours, it's the right thing to do. Because that's the way it's supposed to work. You testify against criminals, hope they get locked up and that way you keep them from doing bad things to somebody else. The long trip and the bureaucracy, not to mention the fact that the third (most guilty) woman got away and we didn't have very hard evidence. And the policeman said the video from the security cameras were no use. They needed me to testify to put them away. I was fine with it. I wanted to go through with it. A while later my dad calls, tells me I shouldn't. He tells me the criminals would know who I was, would know where I lived, and would come to get me and I'd get hurt. I told him to let me try and do the right thing and hung up. Then my mum and my aunt got there and said the same thing. They said they'd totally testify if it was them but didn't want me to because I'd be in danger.

Bollocks! For one, I'm not 100% sure they were, after all, in on it. Then there's the fact that even if they were in some kind of criminal group, I wouldn't know how big or organised a group it was. How the fuck could they be so fucking sure they'd be out to get me? And what would they be getting back at me for? Just how the fuck do you suppose they'd get back at me? Stealing from me? I don't usually carry much of value. Killing me? Fine, then so be it. I won't be able to tell on other criminals but I will have done my job as a half decent citizen putting some of them away to do time, no matter how short. And still, you think they'd do that to me for making the police lock them up for 24 hours and for putting a stain on the record they claim is theirs this time? Nonsense! You do the right thing. You're supposed to do the right thing.

Then my aunt and my mum asked the policemen why I had to take the long trip and go to a district attorney and they explained (rather elaborately) that it's protocol. I get their point, they can't show up with them, even though they were caught in flagrante, because they'd be seen by the judge as bad cops and rightly so. They needed a witness to testify they didn't just have a grudge and a bad excuse. It's only fair. I get it. It's not exactly reasonable that it's so hard to get to a place where you can testify officially, though. That's one big reason why people don't bother. It's too much of a hassle. Both the police and the criminals know it. It's a fucked up system so it's no wonder even good policemen find their hands are tied and the criminals know sod all will happen to them. The nice lieutenant tried to make my aunt and my mum change their minds. They didn't. My aunt even suggested to act as bait and testify herself "next time." The lieutenant explained that was both unreasonable and dangerous. No matter. I wasn't to testify and it wasn't my decision to make. Even though I'm 22 (it took a while to remember that when the policeman asked for my personal information).

I told them we could at least take the women up on their offer to pay back, so we did and my aunt didn't end up losing the money. But I still feel like crap. And I still feel like an idiot. And I still hate the bloody system for being so incredibly fucking retarded. I'm sorry because at least two of the policemen seemed like nice people, just trying to do their fucking job taking care of people, trying to get me to help them help others. I'll admit one of them seemed a bit dodgy, but you simply can't win them all, I'm quite satisfied to find at least two of them were rather nice.

Back at the house now. Still mad at my dad for challenging my convictions like that. Still quite mad at them all, actually. Forget about the fact that it's my dad's birthday on the 18th. I never quite cared much about such reasons to forgive someone. I only just believe in the propriety and decorum that must be held at a family reunion and how I'm not allowed to be confrontational with him in public. But fuck it all. It pisses me off that they wanted me not to do the right thing. The Right. Fucking. Thing.

You'd think...

On other news, I'm completely retarded. Turns out I hadn't sent out the invitation yesterday. I did send it today. He's now an IM contact, so there you have it. We'll see about facebook friends in a few days.

I bought chocolates for the people who helped me out (a toblerone included just for the nice saleswoman who was kicked) and handed them out.

### I'm wrong to be surprised, aren't I?

Lovely. I showed EBF the Dan Radcliffe funnyordie video he said it was great, I said it was brilliant. And then he said nothing. So I said something else. And he said nothing. So I went offline. And then I felt bad that I'd told A about Pomplamoose and not him, so I left him a message. And he said nothing. I logged in today. He's said nothing. Right.

Oh, and you know how I know it's bad? I had a dream last night (and I had to check to make sure it was a dream) that he had said something back.

## Friday, 15 April 2011

### That was surprisingly not so bad

I just told EBF about my little one and about going away. I cried like a baby retelling what happened to my little one, but he didn't ask why I didn't tell him, so that went surprisingly well. Good to know, eh?

On other news, I was out with my sister and my mum to some thing about design. We ended up buying a hat (an awesome hot pink hat) and make up. And for buying make up we got make up artists to do ours. Which was kinda fun. But I think I might be having an allergy to the crappy mascara they used. I bought make up and it was fun. Not so sure when I'll use it, but we'll get to that when we get to that. It was actually quite cheap, you know?

Just a few more tid bits of information. I'm going to be working in my aunt's shop tomorrow afternoon *unyay*. And I've added LesMisGuy as an IM contact. I'll wait for that to come through before I ask him to be my facebook friend. Maybe give it a day or two.

## Thursday, 14 April 2011

### And now it hits me

Not sure what "it" is, though. Let's break this thing down then. I sort of used up all my saved up ballsiness sending EBF a message saying I have -3 get out of jail for free cards. I met LesMisGuy today for the colloquium, so after he gave me a shoulder squeeze (seems to be the new thing, not that I'd have a problem with it) I handed him the papers our game theory professor gave me for him and asked for his e-mail. He first wrote down his university e-mail and then I said I rarely read mine (not exactly true) so he'd better give me another one. Then he wrote down his new phone number. And that's when I said I didn't need it and he said he could just cross it out and I told him not to. I'm clearly too sheldonesque for most social interactions, even the simple ones. Further proof of that is the fact that I'm debating on when to add him as a contact and then when to add him as a facebook friend. The colloquium was fairly uneventful: I stuck to reading Tolstoi, he texted someone. We gave each other a look of "you mean it's not over yet??" near the end, and then we walked out and he made sure to stay behind me.

Ok, then there's the fact that during the way here I suddenly wasn't so crazy about LesMisGuy. Well, to be honest I also wasn't particularly excited about seeing him today and I realised I might have. It was more a sudden realisation then, that I'm becoming indifferent. It's a safe position to be in, but it's rather boring and even a little disappointing, you know? I'm not sure if it's got anything to do with the latest conversations, but I doubt it. Another unusual sudden realisation is that EBF asked if LesMisGuy had asked me out yet. Then he should have asked me out by now, right? He's so confident, I really doubt he would've gone without asking just out of insecurity. There's a good chance, however, that I've sort of scared him away a little (and it would only make sense, really). So there's that too. I'll just go back to not making anything out of anything.

Ok, so I talked to EBF again. Three days in a row. That's a first in... well... I can't remember the last time that happened. I can't remember proper conversations that took place three days in a row either. Two things to be noted: the first is I told him about LesMisGuy; the second is that I'm too right to be freaking out about telling him things, they're piling up on me. As far as LesMisGuy's concerned he gives me his blessing and hopes everything works out (whether LesMisGuy's single or not because apparently my having a crush is big enough of a deal). He did say I'd better have a damn good excuse not to have brought him up. I just said I'm weird and let him do the talking. I avoided him.

And now I'm tempted to leave him a message saying I probably owe him at least other major news cause now I feel bad about the first (and that was the insignificant one). Thing is, I don't want to be confrontational. I don't want him to know that I didn't want to tell him, at least I don't want to tell him that outright. It would be uncomfortable. I don't want a fight. He seems so cool about everything all the time... it throws me off. I'm at a loss here because he behaves as if everything were exactly as it was years ago and it's just so clear to me that it's not so, you know? I'll agree it felt like nothing has changed the last couple of days, I'm not sure it's true. I'm neck deep, aren't I?

On tiny news, our game theory professor gave me copies to hand to LesMisGuy. I'll let that be a reason to smile today.

## Wednesday, 13 April 2011

### Almost, but not nearly

So... For someone who just got back from miserably failing an exam, I'm not doing all that bad. Not sure it's enough of a reason why, but LesMisGuy's shoulder squeeze greeting might have had a tiny little effect. Not nearly enough, though. The fact that when he said he was cold I thought the best way to solve that was to hug him and settled for saying I had chocolate coffee sort helps no one. Except it could have helped me at least if we'd actually hugged (I was cold too). Right. Too much time spent thinking of hugging him and trying hard not to lean on his shoulder. The exam wasn't all that bad, either. It just required a lot of memory and to be honest I can't very well solve a problem based on the solution given in class, less so when I actually know and partially remember bits and bobs of what we did and class because a bad memory of that is a biased memory and it will cause me to make mistakes.

Very annoying. So, I'm very much annoyed at myself for failing the exam, mad at myself for not pushing myself to study harder or at least regret the lack of study a little more, and thinking that getting rid of this "down" feeling will take no less than a hug from LesMisGuy (because that would be so incredibly awesome).

[9:32pm edit]
Goodness! I just remembered something and I can't believe I'd forgotten about it. You know how the fact that I said nothing probably means today's group theory class was completely uneventful and I was too busy thinking of leaning on LesMisGuy's shoulder to do anything? Well, not this time. It just means I'm forgetful. I happened to listen to quite a lot of what was said in today's class, and I have to give the little guy explaining the Hall Marriage theorems credit for it as he truly was brilliant. I also happened to half notice LesMisGuy glancing my way at least once. He also happened to borrow my notebook. I happened to notice he does lean back just out of habit. Haven't seen him playing with his lips though, so maybe that one's not a habit... not that his habits would actually mean anything. Not sure why I bother to notice.

To the point (can you not just tell I'm such a prude? I assure you you will in a bit): CartoonishGuy made some remark (as usual, he always makes remarks) so I turned his way, looking past LesMisGuy. And I did just intend to look past him, it's a reflex to turn to the speaker during class unless I'm particularly unwilling to look at him/her or lazy to turn back. Again I'm beating around the bush: LesMisGuy was leaning back on his chair, his legs stretched ahead of him and (Cambridge dictionaries tell me the right word for this is) jiggling. His legs/feet I gather, but his whole body was moving a little. Which, you know, brought boning to mind. I do declare I almost blushed. I most certainly had to take a while to brush the thought out of my head before I kept on paying attention.

### Follow-up

EBF was drinking beer with his roommate and passed out on the couch. That's why he left. I can live with that. Oddly enough, we're talking again (that's a first in ages, two days in a row?) and he's telling me he'll be gone until I have to go. Isn't that lovely? (Sorry, can't find a better word, it probably isn't.)

### Krimi

Then there was another dream, one where detective Scanlon (from Medium) and the woman who plays his wife took part. The woman drove me and others (including my mum) to some place where she parked in an empty parking lot and we got out. Some of the people were out to do harm and sat on the passenger's seat and stashed guns away in the glove compartment. I tried to talk to the woman, who I knew was British so I faked my accent, and asked if she couldn't somehow swap the seats so when we got back to the car the people who stashed the guns wouldn't have access to them. We got back to the car, though, and it was my mum who took guns and I was sitting behind her, so I put my arm around her neck hoping to make her pass out, only other people had guns too. Eventually even I had a gun. Not sure what happened there.

There was one last dream where I was in a mall's parking lot with my mum and my sister. We were there with MGG and he said something about going to pick us up. My mum stood still pretending not to have heard anything, but then MGG went to the floor beneath us and came back up in the car and opened the doors for us. That's about when I woke up. Pretty crazy.

## Tuesday, 12 April 2011

### As long as I'm not being productive

There's an odd thought I've had in mind for a while now. I suppose it's just stray and has nothing to hold on to, so it wanders about and I sometimes see it passing by. It's a thing with names, you see. I may have mentioned before (but can't be bothered to check) that I'm a little obsessed with names. Not so much their "meanings" as said by people trying to milk your money for telling you whatever pops into their heads, hoping to say the right string of random nonsense. No. It has to do with the power of names, the power of words, the meaning behind calling something or someone by name. It strikes me now that it's weird, given all this, that I don't ever call anyone by name. But then again maybe it just makes perfect sense. You see, this comes mostly from ancient egyptian mythology and maybe a thing or two from Ursula LeGuin's books (the Earthsea Quartet). I remember reading somewhere that Egyptians believed you could give things and people true names, names they were bound to respond to and obey to. Given the danger of having any mortal commanding gods by name, they gave gods impossible to pronounce names to keep them safe. Food for thought, at least for me.

Here's the thing. When I get a crush on someone I tend to repeat their name over and over again in my head. For no particular reason too, it just pops into my thoughts every so often and I sort of call the name out loud in my thoughts. Way back when I had a crush on Sdra, it just so turned out that instead of his name I'd sometimes (and completely out of nowhere) get his big brother's name to call out. I never gave it much thought, at the time there was only one classmate of mine (a boy I always thought of as a bit of mischief turned into a person) who went by that name that I knew of. Later came D, which just so happened to share Sdra's brother's first name. So if you bear with me for a while, I sort of think I might have been calling out for D even though I didn't know it. A matter of crazy beliefs and my brain's attempts at making sense out of nonexistent patterns. I know it. Still, consider the following.

Next thing I know I'm in university, still calling D's name out loud in my thoughts. Turns out FlowerGuy's first name is the same and he fell for me. Not sure how to weed the others out, but he's the only one who was consistently around, you know? Not that thoughts would work that way (with a distance limit). Not that I'd know how they work. Not that they'd work at all.

And then came my resolution, of sorts, to fall for 4 or at least try and make me fall for him. So I call out his name this time. Which just so happens to be LesMisGuy's name. Nifty little pattern I worked out, eh?

I could probably have more data to throw into the mix but it's kind of hopeless when you consider how long it took to get here, so never mind that. It's just a random piece of thought trying to shed some light of meaning on something that makes no sense at all. It's a bit like when I stared at the ground in school1, you know? When I got bored, I had the most unusual ways to amuse myself staring at nothing. In particular, sometimes staring at nothing meant staring at the stones on the floor. When that happened, I started seeing patterns forming straight lines here and there and maybe a pattern or two. My mind wandered off wondering if they could be trails left behind by magical creatures. Then, it also amused me to look out the schoolbus' window as it stood motionless while people got on the bus. I looked at the grass outside and watched it move with the wind. When I stared at it long enough it seemed like only some very specific bits were moving, again forming some sort of pattern.

If anything, I fear this post proves I was insane long before I started recording my madness in Blogger servers.

### What the fuck? Seriously??

Ok, maybe I shouldn't have picked up. But this is beyond ridiculous. Some odd number called. I though it was weird but picked up. Some man who knew to ask for my name said he'd seen my number on some television ad, an ad of a woman "looking for friends." For crying out loud! And he insisted on asking if I wasn't looking for friends even though I was dry and said I wasn't interested and would be hanging up. The nerve of some people!

### Not exactly eventful, I just need to vent

The way here was long and annoying. Over at the station some fucktard and his girlfriend acted particularly uncivilized, refusing to move to make way for people going in or out of the buses. The nerve. And then when some university guy tried to talk sense into the big brute he started standing on his toes and yelling, just like an animal in the wild, huffing and puffing. It gets better, they got on the same bus as me, scored seats right next to where I sat on the floor and got all lovey-dovey. Ugh. But that's not it. There was this girl next to me crying, sighing on my hand and breathing snot. No no, it was bad: we were stuck in traffic for at least a half hour longer than we should have. I'm still motion sick and I'm lying in bed.

Highlight of the day? The guys I'm in class with? Such sweethearts. I know, I've said it before. Still, they're lovely. Kinda makes me wonder if LesMisGuy's not just another nice guy and I try and read into it, except for the physical contact. That's the one thing I'm holding on to right now.

[8:33pm edit]
Yeah, took me long enough. Now it's kicking in. Now I'm wondering if EBF took offence from me calling him a hipster (which he actually totally is, you know? and it's not quite the bad thing the internet would have you believe). Now I'm worrying about when the fuck I'm supposed to start telling him stuff. Now I feel like an idiot for telling him I thought I'd seen N2 with black hair and my opinions on that. Wonderful. And I can't study.

### I just might forget

I like Françoise Hardy. She's got a lovely breathy hypnotic voice. I was tempted to tell EBF and thought better about it. Don't suppose he'll miss it.

### Congrats and hurray for me(?)

So... today's game theory class was boring as always. I was late, LesMisGuy was already there grading papers, looking busy. I didn't say hi because he didn't turn even once to look my way. Rather disappointing. I opened my computer and a few minutes in, EBF starts chatting with me. He'd just seen Before Sunset. We chatted a bit until I had to go and then I didn't answer his last message on time and made my way to Pentagono and he was offline and remained offline (he was kind of on and off for a while there). As you'd expect on a partial exam week, it was a bit hectic. LesMisGuy came around, though I didn't even see him coming in. I have to admit to the guilty pleasure of watching him teach, it was almost too nice. A guiltier thing to admit is the fact that I almost reached out and caressed his neck when he leaned back more than once during class. One that's not guilty at all is the fact that I was so nonchalant talking to EBF.

Maybe we can thank LesMisGuy for that. I was way too happy to be near him, a bit intoxicated by his lovely smell and busy not caressing his neck. Right. So, that's my day today. I'm stuck here until the functional analysis class is over and it won't start for another three hours. I'm supposed to study in the mean time. Not really going to happen, is it? I just wish he'd come around, you know? I'd love to see him, hang out with him. Too bad he's most likely gone already. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe the day after that. I'd really better get his e-mail on Thursday so we can at least chat about the paper we're presenting. I'd also better find myself a group to work with... Damn it... Oh well, sitting by the physics labs it is, it should quiet down around here soon enough.

Oh, and just for the record: I told EBF nothing. He told me about some turtles, and his roommate's cat and N2 and some British gal. I told him nothing. Not sure it's best this way, but I'm not about to change the status quo right now. We'll see how guilty I feel that he left after having the last word and I only just sent a few messages when he was already offline. Not sure it will guilt me into starting a conversation though, still too proud for that.

## Monday, 11 April 2011

### A quick update of sorts

You know that dream I had that I'd taken the wrong bus? I was extra careful to take the right bus, only it was the wrong one. Not sure it was down before, but in my dream I'd taken a bus that dropped me off at the station following the one where the right bus stopped in the right bus' schedule. I just figured, in my dream, I'd hop on the next one going back one stop and I'd be at the right place. The right bus that turned out to be the wrong bus didn't stop at station I'd normally take the next bus, so I had to get out, hop on another bus and get there. Only that wasn't the right place to change buses and I ended up going to the stop I would've gone to in my dream so I could get on a bus that would leave me near university. *Whew* Exhausting.

Let's move on to today's class. I was barely on time and managed to sneak in right before they closed the door. LesMisGuy wasn't there. A few people walked in once the door was closed, so I had just decided LesMisGuy wasn't going to show up when he did. Figures. As he walked behind me he put his hand on my shoulder. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have time to think that was kinda cool. And then he settled for pressing keys on his phone. So I felt like I did when I was jealous of a box of matches, not knowing what he was up to. And then I lost concentration and gave up on CartoonishGuy's presentation of the Banach Tarski paradox, so I settled for trying to think of problems my students should solve tomorrow and then just stared into space. When the presentation was over our professor asked us to decide how we'll be getting the class notes into .pdf documents and people raised hands to pick a part of the course. LesMisGuy raised his hand when another girl raised hers, for one of the last (if not the last) subject available. I failed to raise mine because I was both hoping for a subject no one was working on yet and a bit absent-minded.

I walked out of the classroom and noticed LesMisGuy talking to the other girl about working together. So instead of catching the lift down I stood outside trying to call Srq to ask if today's measure theory class was, in fact, cancelled. As my luck would have it, I couldn't make the call, so I caught up with LesMisGuy going out and we walked out together. He said the class was cancelled and I said I'd walk over to the classroom just in case anyone was around. He was headed to Pentagono to meet with a student of his (a girl, I gathered). When he said goodbye he kissed me and put his hand on my arm, so I put my hand on his side as I said goodbye. It was 3 parts reflex to one part instinct (the kind that makes me stumble into him). I did have time to think I just might do the "I want to do something silly" line. I did. Promise. But you know me. Well, maybe you don't. You do know I'm insecure, right? I'm insecure. The thought of him possibly being busy chatting with some girl (I always imagine it's a girl), the fact that he said hi to some woman (she did seem a tad older) sort of put me off. And then there's the fact that he was already going to meet some one (girl). So there's that.

But that's just terrible, because it struck me as I sat on the bus back: if he keeps meeting students (girls) like that I'm bound to be late telling him I fancy him. I'm bound to be. I mean, it's really just a matter of time before some girl gets minxy and goes for it. And to be honest, I can think of too many reasons why he'd go for it too. So, I had better grow my balls quickly. For now, I can only aid myself of reason to fight my insecurities. At that, I can only sort of explain why it's mostly girls who seek his help when it comes to maths: as a guy, it must be pretty freaking intimidating to ask a guy who's big, tall, smart and gorgeous for help because it would only prove their own inabilities. For a girl, well... it's a damn good excuse to be with a big, tall, smart and gorgeous guy. I really have to get it together, then, don't I?

In case it's worth anything and random men on the street are to be believed, I looked quite pretty today (even though I didn't feel particularly pretty). That's good, right? I mean, for one I looked good when around LesMisGuy, he's bound to have noticed, it's got to be worth something. And then again, if there's ever going to be something to tip the balance in my favour, and not some other girl's (especially one of the younger girls he might be teaching), it's not going to be looks. I have to admit that if I think of it a bit too literally in terms of what's practical, he had better take one of them, you know? I can't help but assume they're minxy, I can't help but imagine they'd be more experienced, I can't help but know they're bound to be prettier. It's a matter of taste, then, and I hate to be a bottle of wine but that's what I'll have to go for. Yes cheap drinks are cheap and trusty when it comes to get drunk. It takes a finer taste (not that I'd know, most drinks taste horrible to me) to enjoy getting drunk on fine wine and prefer it to the alternatives. Right.

I'm quite a disaster, aren't I? Let's just end this on a happy note: I'm glad we went back to kiss greetings. And I think it's a bit awesome that he put his hand on my shoulder. And I hope today's reflex hand on his side can somehow find a way to turn into a hug in the future. Because that would be full-blown awesomeness.

### Restless

I had a restless night. I had dreams, but they were all interrupted by the thought of an inequality with a small case sigma in it. Not sure I can remember any such inequalities. The only dream I remember now included getting on a bus to university, the wrong bus because I'd been waiting by the wrong station, and then getting out to meet my parents, only I didn't. For some reason the traffic was a little crazy, so I ended up getting into the mall. Next thing I know I'd been in the mall with LesMisGuy for a while. We had been around a place where we could have bought ice cream (only I don't think we did) and to get into the mall I'd used a small key to open a brick wall that led to stairs. The stairs were guarded by some sort of creature that melded with the stairs and allowed us to pass. I left the stairs active and kept the key with me.

For some reason, I had some kind of commitment and I told LesMisGuy about it. I told him I'd meet him downstairs in the mall in a while, hoping he'd decide to join me but understanding he might not want to. I waited for a while and entered a few stores hoping he'd come around, but he didn't come. I tried calling him but I must have had the wrong number. I walked around some more, feeling like an idiot because he'd left me, and then started to worry about money I had and my wallet. Something about the creature guarding one of the ways in had taken money out of my credit card and placed it elsewhere, but it would get back to me. Not sure how that worked. I was paranoid, so I crossed the street and asked a cab driver (a woman) who was standing around to give me a short ride so I could avoid muggers and thieves along the way.

In another dream I was in a literature class with LesMisGuy, or perhaps it was a chemistry class? I'm not sure anymore. He was sitting next to some girl, taking a test, and the professor got a bit angry at him for talking to the girl (though I'm not sure if it was her talking to him) and promised him a low grade for it. It was hot and stuffy at the back of the classroom where I sat with two or three guys.

Then I remember something that took place in university, I was near the classroom where we have functional analysis and measure theory classes. Some kind of phrase was stuck in my head, only I can't remember what it is anymore and it involved the meaning of seemingly random/meaningless things. It told me to remember a certain action because it somehow defined my future once I decided that action was the one. I threw some object around forming a parabola in the air and made it fall on some glass panes to break them. I was hoping to break as many of them as possible and chose my moment when I managed to break almost al of them instead of just making a hole through some of them.

I had no rest last night. So uncomfortable. I'm especially worried about that inequality. I can't remember anything like it and yet it interrupted my sleep so. A small case sigma and maybe small case alphas, or a's, or something that looked a bit like them.

## Sunday, 10 April 2011

### It's the darndest thing

I've been kiss-crazed most of this weekend, so it's not exactly odd that my mind drifted to the night of my first kiss. I suppose it's only a little odd it took this long. Only the memory's buried quite deep now, so maybe it's not so surprising, after all. A quick search around the blog (keyword "milkshake") reveals I've already got it down here somewhere. Today I realised how funny it is that the soundtrack to my first kiss (well, not to it, it was silent... the soundtrack of the night, if you will) was Kelis' "Milkshake."

Yes. This:

The soundtrack associated to realising I had a crush on D? Eminem's "Lose Yourself."

If they made a film out of my life, I'm positive they'd have to change that. That has to be close to the worst track list for those particular moments. They were chosen by chance (I do believe fate is a lot classier), as it turns out.

"Milkshake" is a soundtrack because on that particular day (what possible use could it be to continue remembering it was February 7th?) D and Rf had that song stuck in their heads and kept singing it spontaneously every so often. In particular, right before D and I were locked in the balcony. I think. Maybe. Definitely on that night. It was just one of the it songs of the moment, and they sang it over and over. Wait, I think they did sing it right before we got locked. We were all in the balcony before, and they sat on the floor singing it. It was as they got out that they locked us.

"Lose Yourself"... Well, there was this trip we all took to the islands. Not sure I've written about it before, not sure I'm willing to write about it now in detail. Suffice it to say, those were happy times when we could have fun without needing to drink or smoke and we could hang out with the guys without it being such a big deal. We went out on a trip and spent the night there. For fun (and all the more fun because there was no alcohol involved, I do believe) we made groups and performed songs. Alb's performance of some female singer's song was particularly hilarious. After a while, "8 mile" played on the recorder. D was sitting next to me on a bench and we both started singing to it. I was unaware of it until the others pointed it out, and I'm not even sure they said anything right away. Maybe the girls teased me about it later. I somehow pinpointed that as a moment when we were particularly close, and put two and two together later (a couple of days, at most) when I realised on the way back home from the trip that I had fallen for D.

Now I'm thinking how particularly UNROMANTIC it all was. I even find it hard to be fond of the memories. Then again I did throw a lot of time on those. I did choose to believe they're not as meaningful as I once wanted to believe they were. I suppose I was successful. I ... my mind's a little blank right now. I was trying to remember if there was some particular song attached to falling for LesMisGuy. But that's a whole new wave of realisation.

I didn't fall for him quite like I did for D, I'm not so hopelessly head over heels this time and I reckon that's actually a good thing. I'm not quite so blind this time. I'm not quite so careless. I'm nowhere near as deluded. Last time I convinced myself that falling for D held much more meaning than it actually did, and therefore believed I had fallen in love with him. I'm not so sure about that now. I'm having trouble remembering what feelings I ever had for him. I'm sure they were strong, I'm sure they were persistent, I'm sure they were unnatural enough for me to think they were special. I'm not as sure as I was then that the proper word for them is "love." In case you hadn't noticed, I haven't jumped in to say I love LesMisGuy just yet. I love the way he is and I love much of what he says and does, but that's a different kind of love and language knows it. I can only go on the belief that I could someday grow to love him if everything worked out right and that's still so much more than anyone else I've known before has inspired in me. I suppose this is just my way to say I've grown up. I may not be a grown up just yet, but my feelings for LesMisGuy are a bit more mature than my feelings for D ever were and that's a good thing as long as I allow myself to be struck silly when I'm around him.

Maybe the reason I can't pinpoint a song to LesMisGuy is precisely that. I don't believe there can be much real meaning in doing so. Not just yet, at any rate. Maybe I'll change my mind when fate gets her playlist of choice going. Maybe LesMisGuy will be in the picture. All I know right now is I have to study so much and I've studied so little and I want to kiss LesMisGuy SO MUCH and yet... I just don't know how to go about it if I can't plan for it (whenever I really want to kiss him and even feel ballsy enough to go for it something comes up) and he doesn't make a move, or worse yet we keep falling apart. I hope he shows up for class tomorrow. I hope we go back to greeting with kisses, and I hope he'll do that shoulder thing again, I hope we get time alone to talk, and I hope we get to have good conversations. I hope for too many things and I'm starting to doubt the right word for them is "hope."

## Saturday, 9 April 2011

### Kicking in

I believe this week's LesMisGuy deprivation is starting to get to me. I can't shake the idea of kissing him out of my mind. I just can't stop thinking about it. I imagine saying something along the lines of "I want to do something silly. Can I kiss you?" and then kiss him on the cheek if he agrees. Only he could kiss me back, this time on the lips, or turn as I reached for the kiss to kiss me anyway. Or it could turn into an awkward conversation. I don't know. I keep going back to playing the scene where we kiss over and over in my head because I can't break away from how mindblowing it would be. I have this idea in my head that he's the kind who would hold my face with one of his hands while we kiss and it just makes the thought all the more irresistible. Or maybe I'm projecting the Kurt/Blaine kiss. Either way, I want to kiss LesMisGuy so badly... And it's kind of heartbreaking to fall from that thought to the realisation that we've been falling apart lately and I don't even know if he's got a girlfriend, and I could really fuck up our chances of getting a decent group theory presentation together. I've sort of already sabotaged my measure theory grade for this week's exam because I can't focus on studying. I'm something of a wreck, aren't I?