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Saturday, 12 March 2011

Poison

Just a small note. I may get upset at quite a few things, I may be easily annoyed and I often complain about things that aren't all that bad. I do, however, believe I don't easily go into a rage, it's hard to get me to be truly furious at anything. My parents called while they were away to ask me to give my grandmother her 6pm pills. I served her a small glass of yoghurt with some granola and took her the pills. I know I'm not exactly nice to my grandmother, but at worst I ignore her when I'm rude to her. She wouldn't have the pills. There was nothing I could say to convince her otherwise. It's not exactly unusual. What's got me writing is the fact that that old hag turned into venom. I got furious, very quickly. When I realised I felt a very real urge to bash her head against the wall I left the pills on her night-stand and left.

I'm still a little surprised by my reaction. Yes, she's an old hag. Yes, she's bitter. Yes, she's incredibly rude and unspeakably mean. No, there's no way that's all because she's insane. I know her background is less than decent. I know she was abused when she was a child. I know her father hanged himself in front of her when she was little. I know her evil (there's no other word for it) killed her pet cats in rather horrific ways. I know she became an alcoholic when she married my grandfather for a reason I don't know and don't ever want to know. I know two of her four children committed suicide (I'm calling it suicide, even if my mum just said both their planes crashed even though they were with instructors).

I'm just not that easy to anger. She got me really fucking pissed really fucking quick, and I'm not a violent person but I genuinely wanted to hurt her. She's fucked up alright, but that's way beyond the scope of any regular schizophrenia or senile dementia. I swear that woman's evil incarnate and I don't even think I've ever seen an image of a demon half as mad as her. Demons look happy by comparison, they're usually grinning and being mischievous. She's nothing but hatred and whatever makes her that way becomes contagious. It's fucked up. I hate it.

Yes, I'm taking distance from her. I don't care if tiny bits of my genes are related to her. That woman's an evil bag of roaches and I won't excuse her behaviour just because I know she's mentally ill. I most certainly will not try and condone it because we're related. I don't care if she's got an awful background. I'm blaming this on her. You just can't be that evil and not have it be your fault.

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