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Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Melting point

I woke up fairly early, studied for a good while, did some exercises and got ready to go to university. I arrived early enough to go pick up the exams my students are taking tomorrow and made my way to the classroom I had class in. LesMisGuy arrived a short while later. He, um... well, he walked in, I moved my chair so he'd have more room between my chair and the wall (he sits on my left) and uh... he stood behind me. He put his hands on my shoulders and greeted me. He left his hands on my shoulders for quite a bit, and even started rubbing my back a bit with his thumbs. Not very long, but certainly not for a short time. I was surprised, and probably had the tiniest bit of time to freak out at the fact that he was rubbing my shoulders. It might have been around the time he suddenly stopped and took his seat. Or maybe he didn't stop so suddenly and time just moved really slowly for a while there.

My true reaction was a bit delayed. I realised he sort of gave me a massage and didn't really process that information until he had taken his seat. That's when I just mellowed, swooned and melted. All I could think of were his hands on my shoulders and how I wouldn't mind one bit if we changed the air kisses greeting for back rubs. And my mind drifted off and then all I could think of was him a bit too often (which got me a bit lost during the lecture, but I don't suppose it matters much).

When the class was over and I started to pack up he kept on studying (he'd been studying for the exam with the book I borrowed from the library) and we chatted about the problems for a bit. CartoonishGuy refused to leave. My take on that is that he's fucking nosy and he could've left us alone. I'd like to believe LesMisGuy intended that to happen, he normally would've just walked out. Then again that's probably me trying to make a big deal out of it. We walked out to the next classroom talking about stuff he knows about measure theory and I couldn't even remember. I was a bit clumsy, sort of walking into him and not entirely out of not paying attention. Without intending to, I realise the impulse to be near him resulted in heading his way rather than straight forward. Right. When we arrived I said I'd go buy some chocolate and he said he'd go to the men's room and join me upstairs to get some coffee himself. Then we went back downstairs and settled around the guys who were trying to cram in the last bits of info before the exam. LesMisGuy settled for sitting next to ExamGuy on another bench, which left me feeling a little left out so as soon as I noticed people going into the classroom I went in and took a seat.

LesMisGuy sat in front of me (after almost sitting on the other side of the room) for the exam. We talked a tiny bit before it actually started. And then came the exam, interrupted often enough by thoughts of LesMisGuy. So much so I had to shush my inner self and try and ignore the fact that he was right there and smelled lovely. As the time to hand in our exams drew near, I noticed LesMisGuy often stared into space, writing nothing. I figured he was done and because I'm insane I thought maybe he was waiting for me so we could walk out together. When several people got up and started handing in their papers I took a last glance at mine, figured I had nothing to add to make it any better, took a look at LesMisGuy not writing anything and made ready to leave. I made sure to take a while packing stuff up. As I got out LesMisGuy seemed to be stuck with his exam which is when I realised I'd fucked up and could've waited longer. I tried to make time going to the bathroom and then stalling a while longer perusing my bag looking for water, and my student ID, letting my hair down. To no avail.

I then left, not without a last pause to pretend to get my hair up in a bun in case he was walking right behind me and just needed to catch up. Oh, and an extra pause to put away my student ID. Still nothing.

I got on my way here and once I was sitting down, looking out a window, my mind wandered. I got to thinking... people don't touch me. My friends don't touch me. The only time I've been even close to something like that back rub bit today was once when I was in a crowded car with EBF, his sister and her friends. I was uncomfortable and he could tell by my body language. He actually grabbed my shoulders, told me to relax them a bit and pushed them down. I did my best but I was uncomfortable enough sitting on his lap, my head against the car's ceiling and freaking out about the guy I'd been sort of set up with. It's been said before, EBF had grants no one else has had, I felt comfortable hugging him when hugging was in order (never for "no reason"). I drew the line at kissing him on the cheek. Sometimes when he was feeling particularly... what's the word here? emotional?... he'd ask me to kiss him and it was just weird. Back to my point: people don't touch me. EBF did and for the most part knew better than to hold on to me even for as long as LesMisGuy did today.

I bring EBF up, which I always do reluctantly, to make another point. I wondered just how much like EBF LesMisGuy is. I'm making too much of the fact that when we were on the lift he said something that sounded just like something EBF would say (same words and everything), but I want to bring other similarities to light. Both smart, knowledgeable, easy-going, confident, gym-goers (fine, manly men... except EBF's beard wasn't as nice as LesMisGuy's... and I suppose D takes the beard prize). Even some of their mannerisms are similar. Made me wonder if LesMisGuy's a player too. He's got all the right tools for it. It made me think a little more: he sort of often runs into girls he knows around campus. Mostly girls (at most one guy, actually).

Made me remember I'm insecure and jealous. Makes me remember I'm being ridiculous with my comparisons, and even wanting to believe there's a big meaning to that shoulder moment. I know (and even asked A) it's not exactly standard (especially given our level of friendship), but I also have the good sense to know it wasn't all that much to make such a big deal out of. I still remember it fondly, and how much it made me want to kiss him, but I think that's a consequence of the most romantic scene I've seen in television to date.

Today's soundtrack was "Blackbird," as sung by Chris Colfer. 

Because it reminds me of the wonderful kiss, yes. I've watched that scene maybe 4-5 times and it gets me every time. I've even favourited it on YouTube so I can watch it again as often as I like.

Oh, as for the exam? I think there's a pretty good chance I'll pass. It was a bit long, and it took me a while to see which trick to use in some of them (only, of course, after trying to over complicate everything), but I think I'll manage. That's good, always good.

Just so we're clear: I really want to tell LesMisGuy I like him. I just need the right moment to ask if he's got a girlfriend and tell him I have a crush on him. Today, if I'd waited for him, would've been a good time. I believe we won't have the seminar to see each other tomorrow, just game theory. And maybe Pentagono if he decides to join me like the last time. Only I could ask him to stay with me this time.

I'm in ahead of myself. I love Kurt and Blaine, I love Chris Colfer, I... need to tell LesMisGuy how I feel about him in case he feels the same way. I need to forget how similar to EBF he may be, because it's nothing but trouble that way. Why do I smell him everywhere? Every so often suddenly I can smell him and it's just so weird... Right now, for instance. I checked: people who smell like D still smell good, and D smelled good before I took pills of any kind, I think. LesMisGuy does, in fact, smell good and apparently the birth control pills don't affect my judgement. Whether or not something else does, different from my gene set, is another question.

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