## Thursday, 31 March 2011

### Mediocre

And I'm not just saying. I scored a 3.5 in today's functional analysis exam. Should've been better but I freaked out, I was intimidated by having the professor and CartoonishGuy watching me think and write, I was uncomfortable, clawing my nails into my palms and unable to think straight. I couldn't even remember stuff I'd studied. Fuck, was that a shitty time. On other mediocre news, I barely passed the game theory exam. Doubleplus fuck. Not so bad, but still, pretty shitty when you consider everyone else scored 4+ grades. And measure theory? That's one big fail I'm not sure I'll be able to recover from: 2.2. I scored just over 3.5 in the homework assignment, that 2.2 is not a good grade. I need to get better grades to pass the subject and I am truly worried that I might just fuck up. And I can't afford to. I gotta take topology in another university next semester, by the looks of it. This isn't even close to being the nightmare I'm guaranteed to be in for next semester.

A couple of things to mention: I don't remember much of my dreams last night, except I was someplace where I'd been before, in shallow waters in the sea. I'd been there years before and I'd gotten a huge thorn on my foot, something I'd stepped on. I went back with 2-3 other people to check the place where I got it, I pulled it out of my foot (it must've been at least 1cm at the base and 4-5cm long) and searched the sea floor. I noticed a small stump and figured that was it. When I pulled it, I was surprised to find it was a foot, about the size of one of my hands, greenish and pale in colour, where the toes melded into one single pointy nail. Turns out it was that pointy nail I'd got in my foot. Boy is that weird. I'm sure there was more to the dream, but it's all I remember now, not to mention it's a wonder I remember anything.

Game theory class was boring, LesMisGuy arrived with ExamGuy and the seats ahead of me were taken so LesMisGuy sat away from me and ExamGuy next to me. Turned out not to be bad. ExamGuy's a nice guy, I've said that before, right? He recognised my Philip Glass ringtone when some odd number called. He told me (against our professors plead not to talk about the exam) about the questions I might be asked today (it didn't help one bit, I appreciate the thought, though). We laughed at our game theory professor. It was nice. I tried to leave at the same time as LesMisGuy and talk to him a little (even though I couldn't afford to) but he got out quite a bit later than me, even though I stalled just outside to get stuff in my bag. I went to Pentagono, had a snack, went to the literature class, had lunch, studied a little more and spent an hour (rather than a half) trying to get do the oral exam. The professor was so disappointed, I'm really very sorry to have performed so poorly. I spoke with the professor teaching my students integral calculus, made my way to see if I could do AOB a favour picking some papers up for him and made my way to the room the colloquium would take place in.

I thought I saw LesMisGuy sitting in a table right outside but didn't dare go to him. I felt awkward. I realised when he got in that it wasn't him at the table, and was only a bit relieved. The colloquium was boring, as usual. There was a minor (and I do mean minor here) event with LesMisGuy with some Runts. I offered him some and left the box within reach, so he often just took some. When only two pieces were left (one inside the box, the other just out of it) he looked at the box and decided not to have the piece. I laughed and offered him the box, pushing it so it was in front of him (lightly brushing against his arm as I did so, not that he'd care or notice). He put it back in front of me. I waited until the talk was over and he ran out (without even saying goodbye). I wonder why he walks out in such a hurry after the colloquia... I figure it might be to pay less for the parking space, but I just don't know if it would make that big a difference. Either way, pretty disappointing too.

Which begged the question: you don't suppose I hand pick the wrong guys to fancy on purpose, do you? I realise it's much easier to get along with ExamGuy than it is with LesMisGuy, just like it's easier to get along with Srq and I'm not sure if it's just me being awkward around LesMisGuy or if there's more to it (i.e. I really did hand pick the one who's a mix of EBF and D). I'm fucked up. You knew that already, right?

## Wednesday, 30 March 2011

### Grasping at straws

I really have nothing to go on. If I trust my gut, it's telling me LesMisGuy may be single, but likely isn't interested. Which begs the question: why do I still want to tell him I fancy him? Regardless, I scored a fake 4 in the groups exam, which is good because rather than mean I know group theory it means our professor thinks I'm doing quite well. Not bad. I'm not so sure about tomorrow, though. I hope I don't fuck up too badly.

Back to LesMisGuy: when he walked in I just waved and that was the whole of our greeting. Then he sat down working on integral calculus exercises and I listened to the lecture, giving him an occasional glance. When the class was over he told me he's giving his students a 45 exercise homework assignment. I considered asking him if he doesn't have a girlfriend (it would've been a great way to ask) but settled for asking if he didn't ever have any spare time. He said he'd make it an all or nothing assignment. Still, that's a lot of time to grade papers. I think now that it might have been weird to ask him if he had a girlfriend then: I would have implied he needs to get laid or something equally awkward. We walked out together, he bought coffee, we sat near the classroom and ExamGuy and Srq joined us. When I waved at him, ExamGuy reached in for a kiss. I couldn't help but think "Oh hell no... I didn't get a kiss from LesMisGuy and I'm getting one from ExamGuy? Could we please switch?". I did sit quite close to LesMisGuy on the bench, though, it was nice.

When the time came to walk out of class I was feeling kind of let down. Whenever we touched LesMisGuy moved away, so I had my usual rejected and insecure reaction to that. I still thought to myself "never mind that, I'll tell him anyway, I'll get it over with"... and didn't. Not entirely my fault, though. We managed to walk out together and sort of talk, but the second we stepped out of the classroom and while I put my jacket on (which I realised only when I got back was a hideous match) he called a girl. Oh yes, a girl. He used the informal "you" form, that's how I know. He said he'd meet "them," so I figure it wasn't just the girl. Still. Insecure, I said it before. I walked out and he stuck around to meet these people. I know not who they are or what they were doing together, at the time we were discussing people with odd career jumps (I know, far from exciting, but it was better than silence). *bangs head against a wall*

## Tuesday, 29 March 2011

### Romulus and Remus

You'd think I was raised by wolves. LesMisGuy must think so. If he doesn't, then he really should. I smiled like an idiot when I saw him arriving to the game theory class only to curse and be brought down by the fact that he sat at the other side of the classroom. As we got out, though, I sort of ran away from ExamGuy (who was asking about functional analysis) and tried to catch up with LesMisGuy (who, for the record, did seem to be stalling). We talked for a bit and when it got to talking about yesterday's exam he started explaining his solution to one of the problems. And I kept interrupting him saying I did a terrible job of answering that question. It was embarrassing. I know you're supposed to wait, listen, then talk back. I don't know what got into me. I do declare, I'm a social wreck. Minus very many social skills points for being an ass.

[9:13 pm edit]
We met again in class. I came in, waved at another guy, waved at him and sat by his side. He was doing something so I settled for pulling out Le Tartuffe and reading a little. He asked about it (even though I'd sort of filled him in on reading the book before). A short while later our professor arrived and the class started. Our professor had already planned a talk, so by the time he asked us to contribute all he had to do was twist our arguments to meet his. LesMisGuy tried to make some comment a little stray from our professors arguments and, quite against what he was trying to explain, he proved LesMisGuy wrong for his point of view. There was one lovely moment where our eyes met and he smiled, and I smiled and everything was wonderful. And an awkward moment when our professor asked if we'd choose perfect people for partners and I told myself not to but glanced the glancest of glances LesMisGuy's way. When we got up I'm very serious when I say I just wanted an excuse to walk out with him in the cold, I wanted any excuse to be alone with him and be able to tell him I fancy him. I walked out very slowly, but he stalled and eventually stayed behind to talk to our professor (I think). What a waste of my ballsiness. Let's hope for better tomorrow. I really wanted to kiss him today, though. So badly.

[7:48am edit]
Now I'm feeling deflated, and like he avoided me on purpose because he knows I fancy him but doesn't fancy me back. Way to go, karma.

## Monday, 28 March 2011

### How uneventful

I was really looking forward to seeing LesMisGuy, you know? But, for one, I felt like crap and acted a bit like a wounded animal would. I hate having my period, I've mentioned that before, haven't I? Well, I dressed with one of my dad's huge sweaters and I'll even admit to not pursuing him too much. On the other hand he also seemed a bit elusive. When he got out of today's exam (which I can only hope I don't fail) I did my best to follow so we'd meet on the way out. We talked a bit and when I made my way to go get my students' exams, he just made his way to the classroom anyway. He could've walked with me. Couldn't have hurt, right?

Then during class he was distracted playing chess on his phone until our professor told him to put it away and then was... well, barely there. We talked a tiny bit when we were told to work on a problem, but I wrote nothing and thought very little figuring our professor would write down a solution soon enough and he just borrowed my notebook. Maybe I wasn't too chatty then, but really it was no place to chat. On the few occasions when we touched, he backed away. Because I'm insecure and growing convinced that he's not into me I didn't bother waiting much for him when the class was over. I tried to time my exit with his, and walked slowly so he could catch up with me, but he took the longer way out after taking a last glance at me. That was that. Very uneventful, rather disappointing.

On other news, as I walked to the maths department to not get the exams (the professor kept them for a while longer) I saw N2. She dyed her hair black. Very unusual. Can't say it looks good on her (it takes a very pretty face to pull off black hair, she doesn't really have such a pretty face), but I did consider how much EBF likes black-haired women. And then thought of what a shame it was for her to have dyed her hair black when she had such peculiar eyebrows (EBF mentioned them, not sure why but I remember). Not sure why I'm thinking EBF's opinions not exactly out loud for him. I could check facebook and see if she's posted pictures and he's commented on them to confirm my hypothesis... but I can't be bothered. I went long enough without checking EBF's facebook profile, I made an exception to make sure nothing happened to him after the quake/tsunami and intend to continue not looking at it. That's t he plan for now, then.

I really should be writing that shitty essay about a math teacher's worst mistakes... That will be all then.

I had some very insane bits of dreams last night.

In one dream the kids from glee kept a man from death sentence, which seemed good. They sang and distracted people so he could sneak out with them. I'm not so sure it was a good thing, though. Remember that man in the military who raped and murdered those kids? I had a dream that I was in his trial. It took place in a very strange building, where people got locked up at least 4-5 stories underground while the trials lasted, the room we were in weighed down by huge heavy blocks to prevent our escape. I remembered thinking of all the things I've read about this man, and wondering if I'd see anyone in the trial who believed in his innocence.

In another dream I was in school1, in 5th grade. My 5th grade teacher and classmates were mostly there, only my classmates seemed to be those of 2nd or 3rd grade. We were all quite young, too. Our teacher had given us instructions to go to some place in school and do activities. I freaked out a lot when I realised I wasn't with my friends so I sought them out and didn't rest until I went back to our classroom to find our teacher with a group of 6-7 kids, watching something on television. She had divided us into groups on purpose, which doesn't tell you much about her. It was the fact that I had freaked out finding I wasn't part of the big group, worried that everyone was doing something I wasn't doing that tells you a lot about me. Very strange.

In yet another dream I was in a bus, on a window seat. AOB sat next to me. After some minor chitchatting, I'm not sure why but I was tired so I lay my head on his back (he was turned away from me) and told him he'd have to do as my pillow. It was weird. I'm never that close to AOB. In my dream, it was comfortable for me. AOB seemed a bit uneasy, but that's because he really wanted to talk to me about something, not sure what. For what it's worth, there were friends of AOB somewhere around the bus or perhaps in another bus, and that somehow seems important.

There was one other dream where there were castle towers and roller coasters and I'd been to some of the towers with the girls from school1. We'd left some papers/balloon/stuff behind, but no one could trace it back to us. Nothing too important, we didn't need it. We'd just used them while we were there and forgotten them when we left.

## Sunday, 27 March 2011

### Looking back...

There are a few things that me about last night. I said I had a good time, but that's mostly because I spoke with Gr (I'm naming him, he deserves a name), the one who's not so unlike AOB, and is actually really nice. When I wasn't talking to him I was waiting for my meal and when I was done waiting I just ate in almost complete silence. During this time most of all I did besides eating was listen to ongoing conversations. Let's call it right here, right now then: Gr and R1 are my go-to good fellows from last night's reunion. We'll leave the others aside.

Why? For one, I was astonished by one of the girls. She'd be one of the queen bees, one of the mean popular girls if we were to place her in some sort of labelled box. Not sure I ever felt as threatened by her (or the other queen) as much as the other girls did. My friends say they felt threatened by me, but I honestly didn't notice. See if I care now. My only real regret from school1 is not having made better friends with the guys there and having fallen for Sdra. As "the cute boy" of the time, he "belonged" to the queens (was actually the boyfriend of the queen at hand), and I did get teased. I'll even admit to some humiliation. Everything else I'm brushing off. Back to the queen then. One of the guys was talking about how we do or don't meet people from school around here. Quite specifically, he said he never ran into people on the bus. You know what she said? Right away she explained he couldn't run into her because she goes to university quite far up north and wouldn't meet with us going south. Wow. I'll just stop here, going on about this would be useless. I was astonished, and that's quite enough.

For another, I was very sorry to hear them all talk about a classmate they thought might be gay, because of his facebook pictures or whatever. Now, let's break this down. The tone they used to refer to him being gay as something horrible they were only just willing to condone for the sake of seeming civilised was very upsetting. The way they tried to prove his gayness through his clothes is just ridiculous. Especially because he lives in Europe and always was did have very good taste, it just never showed back in Ctg. I even must admit I get the feeling that even his dad has a good taste in clothes. Anyway, back to Europe, this is important. He went through some serious issues and that resulted in him having to leave the country. I won't go through them here because it feels rude to do so. Suffice it to say, he was one very mature teenager and had to go through things no one should ever have to go through. I actually admire the way he did his best to protect his little half-brother from it. And that's just from the little I know. You know what the people at last night's reunion did? They tried to explain him being gay because of the emotional trauma. That is just fucking outrageous! I have nothing more to say, I'm very upset by this, and there is no excuse for it.

The last point I'm afraid is more a matter of culture. The guys spoke so... their attitude towards girls just isn't right. There's the fact that one spoke of having a gf back in Ctg and yet trying to go out to clubs to score with girls. Then there was a conversation that began with R1 hanging up the phone from talking to his girlfriend, you see. She was, if I do say so myself, being needy and checking up on him a bit more than he was comfortable with. He said that right at that moment he'd really like to be single. Given that's all he said I'm not scratching off what I said about him up there. He's still one of the good guys until I have better evidence to prove the contrary. The other guys, however, broke into a conversation about the "uses" of a gf. Mark my words, it's not so much pros and cons, it's uses. They finally agreed that it really was best to be single if you were able to score often enough with random chicks, but it couldn't hurt to have a gf just to have the certainty of sex. Very sorry to hear that, I was. Some of them I respected a tiny bit more, some of them I thought were intelligent and valued women. They just want to get laid as much as they can and condone any behaviour that results in sex.

As a side note, I can't believe they actually praised the ability of the crooks in this city to get away with all the money they stole. Their tone wasn't that of indignation at the waste of so much of the taxpayers' money. Their tone was that of praise. Praise. For crying out loud!

I suppose some things just don't change. Very sorry about that.

Just to be clear: yes, L1 spoke disdainfully about homosexuality and I'm judging her for it (too).

## Saturday, 26 March 2011

### Out for dinner

Not exactly post-worthy, not when there are a thing or two for me to rant about. Regardless, I'm going out for dinner with L1 and R1 to a japanese restaurant in one of my favourit-est parts of the city: a town turned into a piece of city, retaining a lovely town square and magical feel to it. Should be fun, no?

[11:52pm edit:]
I'm. So. Full. I ate way more than I've eaten in ages. We ended up at the usual restaurant (no longer ruined to me). It wasn't just R1 and L1, though, lots of people from school1 showed up. The girls I can't say I was looking forward to meeting with, the guys were for the most part ok and the smaller part was great. I had sushi (all 9 pieces) and then tori tatsuta age with a lovely coconut lemonade. It was awesome. I actually had two different kinds of sushi, I shared with one of the great guys (hadn't seen him since... forever! and I'm sorry, he's really very cool, reminds me of AOB). Didn't talk to L1 or R1 much, but I had a nice time regardless, so I'm not sure it's even worth mentioning.

While I'm on a full stomach, let's just get the nasty ranting that was pending over with. You know how sometimes I enter the teenager mode? This would be one of those times. My parents are fucking embarrassing excuses for people who're supposed to be acting responsible. Want to know more? My dad failed the PMP exam for the third or fourth time, which means he can't be promoted, which means he won't be getting a better salary, even though he's been trying to pass the exam for the last three fucking years. How rock fucking stupid do you need to be? He's always working with the exam questions, translating them, going to the lectures my uncle gives, helping with the slides, and it really does seem that he's only good at fetching snacks for the people who pay for the stuff he's paid to help with. So there's that. And the fact that he keeps losing money (big bills, too) because he just leaves the bills in his pockets, rather than in his wallet (like normal people) and then fetches for whatever else and lets the money fall. He loses an average of $50,000 (one bill) a month. Not to mention his stupid expenses (pizza for lunch, massive amounts of candy and chocolate, rulers and pens he keeps losing...) or how much he complains about my mum's expenses. I know, she's not that much better either. Just on Friday, or Thursday, she was trying to tell me I have to get my cousins to help me get a job so I can skip teaching practice. No I don't. I don't need their help, it would not be correct to score jobs that way, and I sure as hell won't be asking for favours I can't return. Especially when you consider that my parents really fucked up with my cousin, owing her money because they fell behind on rent and she had to pay for it, and she really wouldn't be thrilled to be helping me out. Yeah, I wouldn't think it was a good idea. I told my mum none of this. I said I'd try to score a job on my own, asking no one for help, and if need be I'd do my teaching practice again next semester. On the manipulative and shameless bit, she's still not the worse of the two. My dad tried to talk my aunt into buying a new car. Not another car that was slightly better than hers, a new car. Because some woman at the office got one and he thinks they're cheap (no, they're not cheap for my aunt and she can't fucking afford a car because she's owing people money all the time, only smaller amounts than my parents owe). It was fucking infuriating. I think my aunt thought so too. Especially shameless when he mentioned the whole "you could pay up in like 5 years or so" bit. My aunt most likely won't be scoring that kind of money for another 5 years and it was very insensitive to even assume she might still be alive then. I'm really ashamed that these people are my parents. I hate being related to them. I hate the fact that they still have control over what happens to me in any future. I hate the fact that they're so irresponsible and insist in how it's always someone else's fault. That goes for both of them. I hate that they take for granted what little help we're getting and use it as an excuse to shamelessly ask for more. I hate that they insist "I keep my money my own" and keep asking for it. On other news, as long as they're not exactly good, my grandmother's sick. Some kind of kidney infection. I know it's sick, twisted and at least a little evil, but I can't help but think it's funny she'll die rotten from the inside out. ## Friday, 25 March 2011 ### Smile stuck So, for some reason, I can't shake a smile off my face. I keep thinking of yesterday's goof out, and though I know it's really not that meaningful, I feel that it is and I smile. I know that, or at least I can figure, it means he's comfortable around me. I feel that it somehow means he fancies me. Either way I'm happy. Either way, I can't stop smiling. Something funny happened during class today, too, so there's that too. People like to mock CartoonishGuy, that goes for both students and professors. Once as we walked by his cubicle some of the guys noticed him writing on the board and stood around to watch some more and crack jokes at him. I walked on, I felt it was rude. Our functional analysis professor often mocks him too, especially for asking so many questions, even more so when they're stupid ones. Today was pretty funny, more than usual. Our professor spoke about some mathematician, he only knew his last name. But CartoonishGuy knew his full name, so he corrected our professor. In jest, our professor asked "and what's his father's name?" which could have come across as "and what's your father's name?", so CartoonishGuy asked. Then our professor remarked he doesn't care what CartoonishGuy's father's name is, and that he never used the formal you when he spoke in Spanish to avoid that kind of confusions. He gave an example of how he asked some woman about her mother's health and she took offence by the wording, so he asked what the right wording should have been. Someone suggested "mommy" and we all laughed. Then CartoonishGuy said he thought "mother" was just fine, and that people often referred to his mother that way. Cue major laughs (from everyone this time) and even some people trying to turn away from CartoonishGuy to laugh like they could hide the fact that we were all laughing at CartoonishGuy. On not-exactly-funny news, I'm taking the oral partial exam with CartoonishGuy. ### That was nice I haven't gotten any work done, no good. However, I decided to sleep for at least 6 hours. My dream was quite nonsensical, as always. I was in university and I met LesMisGuy. We hanged out together for a while, he said he had something to do and took off and not long after that we ran into each other again, by the place where I can no longer buy the coffee I like. As we got into the building where all the colloquia take place and walked down the stairs I got ballsy: mid conversation I just hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. I suppose the fact that he was a bit unresponsive pretty much cancels my title up there, but give me a break I just woke up. Also in my dream? There was a protest and I met A. To get on a bus to get on our way back north we had to walk pretty much forever (20+ blocks). The city looked odd, though, couldn't recognise anything. Then the last I remember is thinking of an integral of a quotient of a constant and a polynomial in terms of x. Somehow that was important and represented, I think, my way here in transmilenio, or something else. Kind of like I woke up yesterday with an exponential function in mind. Very upsetting. Cross that off, it wasn't particularly nice. Except for hugging LesMisGuy, I'd really love to do that. ## Thursday, 24 March 2011 ### *sigh*... I'm tired, and I can't even say I deserve any rest just yet. I got a healthy dose of endorphins today, though, and it's not just the chocolates I'm eating. Oh yes it's cheesy, you know who's behind it. Just as I was starting to make myself used to the idea that he wouldn't show up for class, LesMisGuy arrived at the game theory class about 15min late. Serves me well, doesn't it? Making up my mind like that? I'm not even being ironic here... Anyway, we walked out together, talked a tiny bit (he shielded me from our professor, I'd like to think), I made my way to Pentagono and he made his way wherever else. I took the exam I had to take, got out, bought pizza for lunch and settled on a table pretending to be working on the functional analysis exercises, trying (but not my bets, I'll admit) to at least study a little. Too busy eating. And checking random pages online. I'd left early (12:30, rather than 13:00) so I was done eating by the time LesMisGuy walked by and took a seat with me around 13:30. We talked a bit and he graded papers while I tried (fine, by then I was merely pretending to try) to do the homework problems. He often talked about the exam he was grading, and it brought on lovely bits of conversation. At one point he complained about how bad some particular exam was and asked God for mercy. That was when he goofed out (I don't know if it would be correct to say "completely," but I'm placing my bet on "a lot") and started singing songs you'd sing in church. I wanted to laugh, and did my best not to do so, but it was too cute. Boy is he sweet... He asked if I was religious and tried to excuse himself saying he was raised catholic and it's burned into him (what can I say? I recognised the song, I won't be throwing stones there). He said he's actually agnostic (though he just might have changed his mind about saying atheist when I said I didn't consider myself an atheist, not quite). Heh. A while later he was done grading papers, made his way to hand them back to the professor and I continued not to make any progress with my work. When he got back he settled for reading on his kindle and may have told me to try and work. Maybe. Hormone haze, don't hold me to it. It was pretty quiet, though. I did think of breaking the silence, you know? Tell him I fancy him... Turns out I'm a coward. After a while I suggested we try to get seats for the colloquium so we got inside and took seats. I switched tasks and tried to get the measure theory assignment started. I had some degree of success with this, so it wasn't all that bad. When we got out we walked out together, again rather quietly. There was a minor remark about him not being a gentleman and going out the door before me but I told him knights disappeared with the middle ages and though perfectly nice gestures, there was no need to apologise as it was rather unnecessary. We kept walking out and some girl called out to him (shall I add "by nickname," out of insecurity?... that's what I'm calling sudden jealousy spurts). I felt awkward and walked on as he got a little out of his way to greet her. I did walk slowly, in case he'd catch up with me, but I didn't try too hard. Until the time came to cross a street, and I looked back to look for him, and spotted him getting on a cab, and tripped because I wasn't looking where I was walking. He did mention having to run out, but I didn't ask why (didn't mean to pry). I did ask why he drinks diet coke, though. Seemed funny when you consider he actually works out a lot. He likes the taste of both diet and regular coke. Will keep that in mind for no particular reason or length of time. So... to add up: - no greeting kiss hello or goodbye: minus - goof out: doubleplus - nearly 3 hours sitting with him: plus - tripping: minus - the possibility of him awarding students a higher grade just because he was sitting with me (I won't give candy, even wonka candy, that much credit): plus Good day, you know? Except for the I-might-never-have-a-professional-life worries. LesMisGuy? Sweet, cute, gorgeous, goofed, awesomeness. I need guts. PS: Is it weird that during the game theory pheromone high I suddenly wanted to straddle his lap and make out with him? Seems like a rather unusual fantasy for me, very specific. Same goes for later, as I sat on the way here I suddenly wanted to lightly hold his chin placing my right thumb on his chin, just under his lower lip, and kiss him. Lovely thoughts yes, but why so specific? On the side of paranoia, he called me woman again today (he's done so before). I don't take offence, not at all... It just reminds me of EBF, makes me wonder about the playa thing. I'll just file this under paranoia for today. Too cute I said, and I meant it. ## Wednesday, 23 March 2011 ### I really am a uniform distribution Want to know why? I only found out this morning that the exam I thought we were taking today is actually next Monday. That's also the day I'm supposed to hand in the measure theory homework. Friday I've got to somehow get my shit together and get the functional analysis exercises done. By Thursday I had better have learned enough to score me a decent grade on the exam. Want to know what sucks? There's a good chance that I'll be stuck switching between universities to get topology over with, all because apparently they're not teaching it next semester. I could try to take the exam this semester, but I'd be screwed with all the new topics and this professor's lack of common sense. That's just not good. Oh, more proof of how distracted I am? I thought I was being smart not taking the bus to university today. I left a little later than usual (knowing I wouldn't take so long) and made my way there a half hour early, only to remember in situ that our professor would arrive a half hour late. There was a protest today, because of the corruption, the poor excuse for a mayor we have, how fucked up the city is in terms of mobility and security. They did it by closing off a good stretch of a main artery, one of the very few still working with over 200 working sites all over the city. Seriously? What is wrong with these people? I know what's wrong-er, though: people came out with banners trying to say that our mayor is actually doing a good job, thank-you-very-much, never mind how he's being prosecuted along with his brother for corruption-related charges. Do they not live in this city? Why would they let anyone give them money to say that? There's no way what they gave them is anyway near what they've stolen from us all, even once you do the math and divide it between all tax-paying citizens. As long as we're discussing politics... you know what I get from following journalists on twitter? News. Actual news, not the poor excuse for information they print on papers and display online these days. There was an unspeakably terrible crime where a man in the military raped and murdered a girl and her two little brothers. I know, unspeakably terrible crimes happen here all the time, and most don't seem to care. This one made it to the media. This one made it to court. However, the shameless bastards they are, the military's lawyers delayed the process hoping to get him out when they ran out of time to press charges (they have got to change that system, it's clear way too many bad guys get away too easily because of it). Well, this one judge said she'd had enough of their bullshit and told them to get their shit together: she wouldn't let them delay the process any more, the man was facing a real trial. She was murdered yesterday morning. In a part of the country where, so to speak, there are cops and soldiers under every rock. No one saw a thing (unless that joke is in fact true: a man with a stutter gave a verbal description). I feel like an old woman. Needless to say by now, LesMisGuy didn't show up for class today either. ### Dogs and boars I had this dream last night where my dad had some family over. Their dogs had recently had puppies and we were given a choice to keep two. For some reason, we had already had one around the house for a while, a 2-3month old spaniel pup (exactly like my little one, only most other pups were exactly like her too). She would come when we gently slapped our legs and was starting to respond to us, which is why I didn't understand why we were taking others. There were at least some 6-7 pups like my little one, which the man who had come explained by saying their dog had 8 puppies. There were a few rogue French poodles and then there were some weird ones. Not actually dogs, though they passed as dogs in my dream. I'm tempted to say pig, but they weren't really pigs with those long cylindrical snouts and the soft, short brown fur. I'm calling them boars. In the end, for some reason, we kept two of the boars. I was disappointed not to be keeping the pup we'd had around already, and to be keeping such ugly dogs. I also had time to remember I wouldn't be around for these dogs and I'd be in the wrong wanting to sleep with any dog (though then I was hoping it would be one of the spaniels) because they'd grow used to a habit I couldn't keep up with. That's about it, I think. ## Tuesday, 22 March 2011 ### That was quick I knew I'd regret having taken the weekend off. I failed the functional analysis test. Not exactly news, I know. It just gets really fucked up when you consider I'm supposed to take another test next week on Thursday afternoon and I know fuck all. And I'm supposed to do lots of exercises. Ones I know nothing about and wouldn't know how to solve, because I'm pretty sure I botched today's homework too. A good part of it is, I may not be particularly fond of the man, but our professor is a good man and it's very disappointing to let him down. Not to mention I'm in big trouble if I don't pass functional analysis, can't exactly afford to take an extra subject next semester and I'm not sure I'll get a job as a mathematician during the summer vacations. Have I mentioned tomorrow's exam yet? It's tomorrow. At least I'm pretty sure it is, I don't know if the guys in functional analysis were trying to throw our professor off. Not exactly an eventful day, except for how tired I was after having slept for only 3 hours. LesMisGuy didn't even show up for class. I got stuck being greeted by our game theory professor *shudders*, he greeted me, just me, after the class had begun... Maybe he remembered what other people chose to answer on the exam, but he remembered what I answered and it makes me paranoid. I don't like it. I even ran away as soon as I could when the class was over while he talked to someone lest he want to talk to me. Borderline crazy, I know. The true sick today was over this morning, though. I woke up nauseated and I don't even know why. Just before breakfast I couldn't help it anymore and just threw up. Bile. Ate just a French toast and tea for breakfast. Waited to be a little starved before I tried eating anything else, a bag of chips. My stomach was rumbling by the time I had lunch at 3pm, but I wasn't all that hungry. I made it through the crowded public transport standing up, running out of fresh air, out of personal space, my arms tingling from the lack of blood flowing through them, my shoulders sore from my heavy backpack, a cold sweat. People stared a bit, but anyone be damned to offer so much as room for me to place my bag on the floor. I'm fine now, I think. Unless it's a nasty virus and it's just good luck lunch (rice with carrots and chicken) and dinner (ramen with peas and corn, not exactly awesome) sat well with me. We'll see how I'm doing tomorrow. Is it stupid to think seeing LesMisGuy will make me feel better? Oh boy could I use a neck rub from him... (Yes, it does happen to make a difference, I wouldn't have strangers touch me, not if they make a living out of it and are supposed to be professionals.) I have got to stop imagining what it would be like to kiss LesMisGuy. Imagining how handsome he'd look dressed smart to graduation doesn't help either. Thinking of what a great guy he is is just as bad. Too distracting. Can't afford it. Soundtrack: I'm addicted to everything sung by the Warblers, Kurt and Blaine. No surprise there. Almost done learning the kissing scenes lines by heart. Turns out they're censoring it in lots of places. All the more reason to indulge in it. ## Monday, 21 March 2011 ### Should be studying/doing homework/reading/preparing class... But I'm watching Medium episodes instead. Not sure why. Not sure it makes any sense, given they're taking forever to load. I thought I'd go ahead and make a list of a couple more fun facts, in case they're not scattered around here somewhere already. Favourite films of all time (in no particular order): - The Beauty and the Beast (Disney) - The Sword in the Stone (Disney) - Aladdin (Disney) - Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (Disney) - V for Vendetta - The Emperor's New Groove - Victor Victoria - The Phantom of the Opera (Andrew Lloyd Webber) - The Lord of the Rings (all of them) - Cyrano de Bergerac - 3 Idiots - Frozen - Love Actually - About Time - Spirited Away - Howl's Moving Castle Favourite television shows: - The Storyteller - The Big Bang Theory - Medium - Criminal Minds - CSI (only episodes including Grissom) - The Mentalist - New Girl - Castle - Elementary - Glee - Tex Avery cartoons (most) - Mike, Lu & Ogg - Cardcaptor Sakura - Ranma 1/2 ### Water There should be more to be remembered, but I'm afraid I don't remember it anymore. I even had a different title in mind. Product of watching a few too many Medium episodes, I had dreams of a killer, only I remember nothing about them. I know I only started dreaming, and sleeping, sometime around 5am today. It rained heavily from the moment I logged off from the post about Black Swan to the moment I decided I was too thirsty and got up for water. Now, I know that water played an important part in my dreams too. If only I could remember what part. All I do remember anymore is being in school1 and in a contest where I had to build an eco-friendly mode of transportation. My uncle was helping me out and we'd decided I'd make a train to take people from the cafeteria to the coliseum. I got there with lots of family members and they started to settle around the coliseum, more precisely around a lake next to the coliseum. It was more a swamp, I reckon. Some of the school's caretakers came to tell us there were signs warning people not to get near the swamp as it was dangerous, so we made ready to get up. I know I intended to make a train that worked with wind energy and even asked my sister for materials to make it. It was the costs that worried me. How was I supposed to pull together the money for a train? Even though the school already had some train tracks down, it would have been too much. Last I remember is the fact that my cousin (the one who's married) had a dog, a female dog. She was medium size, caramel coloured, quite fat, with a thin snout and pointy ears. She had some sort of necklace showing signs to help her communicate and she tried to identify people based on how they petted her. She couldn't recognise me, though. That's about it for that dream. I know there were others were I was on transmilenio, waiting for a bus to arrive and eating. There were olives and I forgot a small box with green olives in one of the buses that later took off. I got stuck using four black olives that had been left on a bowl with what could have turned into salad. ### Just got back from Black Swan When my sister got it into her head to go watch Black Swan I made sure to tell my parents I was in no mood to go. I didn't want to go with them, period. They just don't understand most of the things in anything that strays too far from the usual rom com or action film. And, you know what? Explaining film plots to the folks who think radioactivity can travel through the wind is just hopeless. (While radioactive particles can, indeed, travel through the wind, this is radiation we're talking about and it can travel through vacuum). I didn't want to go and yet I found myself stuck going. To make things worse, on the way there they were pretty sure we were just going to some rom com, just because Natalie Portman is in it. I warned them and told them it was going to be a film unlike the kind they usually see, and not to let it get to them. Just to clear doubts, hoping they wouldn't ask so many questions, I even told them to deal with Nina being insane. Now, what I actually thought about it: the story was brilliant, the music and the dancing were lovely, Natalie Portman is a goddess and there's only everything right in the film. I didn't like it. It made me uncomfortable, and it wasn't just down to the fact that I was with my parents and my sister watching it. Part of it, I'll admit, is the fact that I'm a prude and watching Nina touch herself, or being fingered by Thomas and Lily, while hot, made me uneasy. Another part of it is the blood. I'm not a blood person. If it's not like it is in most war scenes, where they try to dim out the images so it blood looks black and almost green/blue, it freaks me out and I ended up closing my eyes all too often. It's no way to sit through it. Reminds me of Trainspotting. Just like Black Swan, A said it's such a freaking great film, I had to watch it. I hated it. It told me nothing, it made me uneasy, I couldn't relate to it, it felt empty. A loved Black Swan too, she'll want to talk about it and I don't even feel like telling her I didn't like it because she'll try to convince me it's good, which I know it is. Doesn't matter: I didn't like it. I don't want to argue with her. Just like when I told her I don't want to watch The Social Network. The idea, quite frankly, seems stupid. I don't want to watch something about the beginning of facebook. It holds no interest for me. I can't relate to it. I don't care how they embellished the story, or how much money went into getting the right actors, music, scenes. I'd hate it and I can't believe people who say it's actually supposed to be good, or enjoyable. Not that they're the same, though. I don't like things based on them being good or bad. Goes for people, goes for music, goes for films, goes for food. Most people take pride in liking what everyone else likes, what's supposed to go down as "good". I don't mind if I do, any more than I do if I don't. I'm allowed to an opinion and I don't even have to justify it. I ask no one to feel the way I do. I'm too sleepy to go on writing now. And I have homework to do. And an exam to study for. And I feel like an idiot for mistaking 1984 and Brave New World. That's it, for now, good night. ## Sunday, 20 March 2011 ### Let's give this a try, shall we? Out of boredom, disappointment at how horrible a film Alice in Wonderland is turning out to be, and the fact that there are a few things I might as well get over with writing, I'll just try and get this all out of my system. If only little bits at a time. Let's see then: there's A's birthday, there's the children's films, and there's Antigone. I think I'll be wanting to get A out of the way first. As I should know, it was her birthday on Thursday. I hadn't checked facebook in ages, and we don't really talk much, so it was only when I realised I wasn't asleep yet at 1am on Thursday and decided to leave her a facebook message that I found out her phone was stolen. Well, actually, we had spoken. I couldn't help myself and told her she had to watch the latest glee episode. She mentioned nothing about the theft. I left a rather goofy message, wished her a happy birthday, and even did some of the usual "empty wishing" where you say you hope things will turn out alright for them. In this particular case I wished her good luck with her love life, which at best is a rather cruel joke, but I really didn't feel like giving her any kinds of blessings. To be honest, any blessing would have been half-hearted, not to mention useless, and I'm sure would have proved nothing. I talked to her again later, asking how things went and whether or not she'd be doing something to celebrate. I figured it's about the same thing she did for my birthday, so social protocol would be to do the same, right? She said she'd go out with friends on Friday and would let me know if she was doing anything else (i.e. something I'd want to show up for). I wouldn't be too surprised if she doesn't get back to me. I won't be too let down if she doesn't. I'm not too comfortable with the idea. It may not be bad like meeting with EBF would be bad, it's just not something I'd look forward to (and I'm quite sure she doesn't look forward to it either). It's my mum that worries me. She's been asking about A and her birthday. I said A would get back to me. We'll see if that happens and deal with that later. I... want nothing to do with it at the time being. On to the film reviews. There's three of them now, as I've just finished watching Alice in Wonderland. Let's try and keep some kind of order, though. First would be Terabithia, or whatever the proper spelling is. It looked very interesting from the credits up until you realised it was a bit too real-life-ey to be a proper children's film. From a rather romanticised notion of what creativity and imagination can do for children, it's a lovely idea. From the point of view of how to deal with real life, it could almost be helpful. Put together, though? It was just not right. At the risk of sounding very old fashioned, it doesn't sit right with me to have the boy's best friend die. Especially such a tragic death and one he can blame himself for. It's not the sort of thing you want children to worry about. If you'll have them worry, then you'd better come up with better ways to show them how to deal with it. Replacing the girl who taught you how to make use of your imagination, opening whatever doors that will open, with your nagging little sister just because she's there and thinks you're a god will never do. That's not the right way to deal with the death of a best friend, if you ask me. Not that I'd be too good at providing a better option. All in all, it was "watchable" and kept me wanting to know what would happen next, but some of the acting was over the top, the story made too little sense at times and I really can't get my head around a children's film that will leave you depressed. On to Spiderwick... Again, I can see how it could have been a good idea. To an extent, it was a good idea. However, even if I leave the sloppy acting aside, I worry that he whole "daddy left us" part was unnecessary. Why bring that up? Why bring him up as a monster (both from an ethical point of view and then impersonated by the ogre)? They showed nothing about how to deal with such troubles and that leaves very little to work with. The fake characters were cute, I'll admit, but some bits were uncomfortably "naturally violent". For instance, a creature that becomes your friend when it's high on honey but will turn on you at the slightest annoyances? That's their idea of a faithful servant? What about the creature that helps you see the rest and eats birds? The part that really gets me is how gruesome it is to be killing dozens of creatures and how it's not only "right" (because they're the bad guys) but shown in morbid detail, all excused under the pretext of "their blood is green slime". Had it been red you would understand how disturbing the thought was. Overall, not bad. Better than Terabithia, but definitely could have been better. That leaves Alice in Wonderland. I'm very disappointed. They tried to squeeze sense into the books, missed crucial characters, made trivial characters seem more important than they were, tried to put characters into some kind of context and ruined all the wonderful nonsense. That was a very sad waste of a wonderful cast. I'm blaming it on the script and adding the fact that at times it seemed to me like the film was eager to impress with technical parts (like the make up, the costumes, and special effects) that did nothing to help the story. Except for Anne Hathaway and her ridiculous mock-surgeon performance, the cast could have been brilliant had they had a proper script to follow. I can't believe they wasted so much on so little. Last, I'll just drop a line about how for virgin maidens in Greece marriage and death were related, and how peculiar I find that fact given most people believe dreaming of one implies the other in the near future. Well, my mum, anyway. ## Friday, 18 March 2011 ### Random thought of the day I was sitting on the bus floor, eating some Runts when it suddenly occurred to me that LesMisGuy's kisses must taste like strawberry Runts. Even though they're actually more likely, if the time I spend around him is any indication, to taste like coffee, or mint. Then again, it wasn't quite so literal. I sort of "figured" that because of the way he smells, that's what he'd taste like. When I say he'd taste like candy I mean it the same way I mean he smells like fresh grass. I kind of like the idea, though... strawberry Runts flavoured kisses... ## Thursday, 17 March 2011 ### That was so...*me* of me... After watching yesterday's glee episode again, and repeating the kiss scene about 5 times on what youtube links are left for it (damn you copyright sharks!), I get back to writing this. Which isn't exactly getting back to writing, as I had nothing but the title down. The exam I had to babysit was uneventful. The professor arrived 10min before the exam time was over and took over me, so I made my way to the game theory exam (which I just might have failed, but hopefully didn't... I really don't want to talk about the professor about it). The professor greeted a few of us shaking our hands. In particular LesMisGuy, in particular me. For me, though, it bordered on the ridiculous: "Read the exam first, you only have to solve 3 out of 5 problems" (it was written quite clearly, the first line before the questions even began), "You see that 2.5 there? I mean two and a half". Come on! I couldn't even use the hand he shook (I've never liked to shake men's hands, and do my best to wash them as soon as possible, especially if I'm particularly wary of a given man's cleanliness). Anyway, LesMisGuy greeted me, we chitchatted for a bit and the exam began. Did I stop writing, reading and altogether thinking a few times too many because LesMisGuy was right there and smelled lovely? Yes I did. Guilty. I waited for LesMisGuy to get up so I could come out behind him (which left me a tiny bit of an answer short, but I really wouldn't have come up with the rest of it anyway) and as he waited for others to hand in their papers I asked him to hand in mine (so the professor wouldn't want to talk to me) and got out, making sure to stall for a bit so he'd catch up with me packing stuff up. We talked about the measure theory exam, today's exam, and walked towards Pentagono. He mentioned he had to wait in line to get tickets for his graduation ceremony (a brief moment please... carry on) so I said I wasn't looking forward to arriving early to a room full of people needing help with maths and waited in line with him. At first conversation was a tiny bit strained, and when LesMisGuy was handed over some pamphlet about the benefits he gets as a graduate he started reading it out loud. It may have been a tiny bit rude, but I sort of interrupted him near the end to ask about working on the group theory seminar thing we're supposed to do together. I'm not too sure where the conversation went from that. Then we waited around other people in tables for him to find out about the graduate ID he could get. They were taking pictures and he said something along the lines of "couldn't have picked a worse outfit for this" (incidentally, a guy in a suit was having his picture taken, he just had a jumper on). I thought it was incredibly cute of him and said he could also be wearing the granny-like sweater I was wearing today (oversized, overly comfortable). Then I walked to Pentagono and he came in with me, only to realise he had better go talk to the teaching practice professor. He said he'd be back, and he was. I was stuck with the guy from last week though, so when he came in we could only just wave from a distance. He settled near the back with other guys working on something on the board. I may have been a tiny bit rude to the boy from last week, but I swear sometimes it just looked like he was playing dumb and that pissed me off. By the time it was time for me to go LesMisGuy was gone and I didn't even see him leave (though I often enough looked around for him, which freaked the people I was helping out a bit). I made my way to the classroom I had my literature class in. LesMisGuy had mentioned he had to babysit his students' partial exam today, and that meant I just might get to see him again for a while before we both had to go in. Indeed, I found him just standing around, facing in my general direction as I walked up the stairs to where he was. We talked again for a while. And that's when I got a tiny bit out of control. I told him about the guy from Pentagono, how he told me I'm his idol, how he makes me uncomfortable. I could've stopped at that, and didn't. I went on and told him about the times guys have asked me out for coffee or lunch, or have asked for private classes. I said something about how inappropriate I found it to be, but also made a huge deal out of my paranoia. He said coffee and lunch could just be coffee and lunch, and he'd gladly accept either if people invited him. He said he would go anyway if it were girls asking him. I said I thought it was unprofessional and ranted on a bit more. I mentioned squirrel logic, asked if he'd watched or read The Sword in the Stone (somewhat surprisingly, no) and then did my best to explain: "That whole 'you're a boy, I'm a girl, therefore we should be together' argument doesn't work for me, I just don't believe in that". Then I ranted on some more, mentioned our game theory professor and said I'd do my best to tag along his side when I left the classroom to avoid the professor, I even said something like "you should protect me" and had an urge to put my head on his shoulder so I actually half attempted to and just put my hair down, one or two inches away, as I said so. I also said something about how guys who hit on me have a tendency to be fucked up. And then, because I hadn't quite been weird enough, I don't know how I ended up talking about my grandmother. And how insane she is. And how I think she's a terrible person. And then he said something about a troubled relative of his (hey, I pour my heart and soul out here, but it's just not right to disclose stuff people have told me, not when I feel it would betray their trust to do so). I then went on to mention how fucked up some of my relatives are, with two suicides and awful people, and insane people, and inbreeding, and how I'm bound to go mad. God I'm insensitive (see what I did there?). And, you know what his reaction was? I'm not sure if it's the worst part (because it makes me so unworthy of him) or the best part (because it would mean he could like me, care for me, and get to love me for me). He was nice. He was so incredibly nice. "Your grandmother must be lots of fun" "But she's insane! And mean! I'm telling you, she's terrible!" "Lots of fun!". Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you forever. (Boy has glee gotten into me). We parted ways as he got in to babysit the exam and I got in for class, and I tried to wait for him when he got out but failed miserably. That was that. So now I'm left wondering how he's supposed to make any sense of me. How am I supposed to tell him I have a crush on him? How can I break it to him? I thought of doing so as we waited in line, but I couldn't: How unromantic would that have been? You can't tell someone you have a crush on them as you wait in line and read a pamphlet. You can't pop the "do you have a girlfriend?" question casually (or at all). I don't mind the fact that I was too honest, after all I do want him to know everything he can about me so that he can like me for me. I do mind the fact that it was not a good way to let all that information out. I didn't plan on any of it, it sort of just spurted out and I didn't even think "Why the fuck did I tell him that?" until much later. If I think back on it, I must have come across as the stay the hell away from me! type. And then again, if he was listening closely enough what I said he'd know I don't exactly have a problem with all men who fall for me: I have a problem with is strangers coming out of nowhere and using squirrel logic. What I said was true, I just left out the part where I could've said "Random guys scare me, you don't. I like you, I like being with you". My take on coffee would certainly bring to light the fact that when I asked him out for coffee I didn't actually just mean coffee. He could've caught on to the fact that I see him as a protective figure. He just might realise that my kissing him to greet him and not minding (fine, seeking) physical contact with him is a huge deal. (One thing he probably didn't, and won't, realise I thought of kissing him a few times while we talked, which added to the general haziness being around him usually causes). Then again, for him to realise any of those things he'd have to over-think everything at least as much as I do, and I happen to believe he's too pragmatic to do such things. That leaves telling him outright that I like him, only I did a nice job of making it painstakingly harder to do so in any near future. Here's another call out from me, to the blog, to the universe should it feel in the mood to humour me: let LesMisGuy please be single, and like me (really like me, me); let him understand what I can only hope he'd might deduce from today and realise I'm mad about him; let him take at least a little initiative (if not go for a full surprise kiss) so I can tell him how I feel about him. I was hoping to see him on Monday, but realised only a short while ago that it's a holiday. For the first time in a rather long time, I'm wishing I didn't have a day off. I just want to see him, and want an excuse to be with him in private. I want to kiss him so badly. As he sat in front of me during today's exam and leaned back to yawn and stretch his (awesome) back, I all too often wanted to lean in and kiss his neck, just where his beard starts.*le sigh* Today's soundtrack? "Raise Your Glass" (I'm still obsessed with Chris Colfer and Darren Criss, probably will continue to be for a good while.) ### Scene's perfect Hello, my name is linaThumbe, and I'm addicted to Kurt and Blaine's kiss. I just had to watch it three times in a row. And an interview with Chris Colfer. Want my take? Chris enjoyed it a tiny little bit too much to be professional, Darren Criss was a bit more embarrassed. I don't think he realised what an impact the scene would have. Chris even mentioned how good a kisser Darren is, blushed a little and got a little uncomfortable. Just like he sometimes looked uncomfortable in interviews next to Cory Monteith. Maybe I'm making this stuff up, maybe the people running the show are brilliant (and a little cruel). It makes the scene that much more believable, Chris is totally into it. You know what also makes it perfect? The fact that Blaine kissed Kurt and didn't immediately pull back. It gave Kurt time to react: he was in shock, he was taken aback and then he gave in to the kiss. I can't help but think, if LesMisGuy had kept his hands on me (nosy CartoonishGuy be damned, I'm sure he noticed) I would have had time to react beyond surprise. I could have just melted into him. Maybe that's a sign that he's not a player? Now I'm pushing it (it would just mean he's not a very good one). Never mind. He should try to greet me like that again. I'll try and react a bit faster. On the TMI side, I think I'm ovulating. I've slept maybe 9 hours altogether in the last two days, I may only sleep for another 3-4 today and I can't help but notice, I don't look like total crap. Maybe it's also from all the kiss silly smiling. I'm placing my bet on hormones, though. I do look the tiniest bit more feminine and am a bit more sensitive to people's smells (did I mention it? I don't think I did... some guy in functional analysis smelled like dirty buses, revolting). If that's the case, all the better a time to come out to LesMisGuy, right? ## Wednesday, 16 March 2011 ### Melting point I woke up fairly early, studied for a good while, did some exercises and got ready to go to university. I arrived early enough to go pick up the exams my students are taking tomorrow and made my way to the classroom I had class in. LesMisGuy arrived a short while later. He, um... well, he walked in, I moved my chair so he'd have more room between my chair and the wall (he sits on my left) and uh... he stood behind me. He put his hands on my shoulders and greeted me. He left his hands on my shoulders for quite a bit, and even started rubbing my back a bit with his thumbs. Not very long, but certainly not for a short time. I was surprised, and probably had the tiniest bit of time to freak out at the fact that he was rubbing my shoulders. It might have been around the time he suddenly stopped and took his seat. Or maybe he didn't stop so suddenly and time just moved really slowly for a while there. My true reaction was a bit delayed. I realised he sort of gave me a massage and didn't really process that information until he had taken his seat. That's when I just mellowed, swooned and melted. All I could think of were his hands on my shoulders and how I wouldn't mind one bit if we changed the air kisses greeting for back rubs. And my mind drifted off and then all I could think of was him a bit too often (which got me a bit lost during the lecture, but I don't suppose it matters much). When the class was over and I started to pack up he kept on studying (he'd been studying for the exam with the book I borrowed from the library) and we chatted about the problems for a bit. CartoonishGuy refused to leave. My take on that is that he's fucking nosy and he could've left us alone. I'd like to believe LesMisGuy intended that to happen, he normally would've just walked out. Then again that's probably me trying to make a big deal out of it. We walked out to the next classroom talking about stuff he knows about measure theory and I couldn't even remember. I was a bit clumsy, sort of walking into him and not entirely out of not paying attention. Without intending to, I realise the impulse to be near him resulted in heading his way rather than straight forward. Right. When we arrived I said I'd go buy some chocolate and he said he'd go to the men's room and join me upstairs to get some coffee himself. Then we went back downstairs and settled around the guys who were trying to cram in the last bits of info before the exam. LesMisGuy settled for sitting next to ExamGuy on another bench, which left me feeling a little left out so as soon as I noticed people going into the classroom I went in and took a seat. LesMisGuy sat in front of me (after almost sitting on the other side of the room) for the exam. We talked a tiny bit before it actually started. And then came the exam, interrupted often enough by thoughts of LesMisGuy. So much so I had to shush my inner self and try and ignore the fact that he was right there and smelled lovely. As the time to hand in our exams drew near, I noticed LesMisGuy often stared into space, writing nothing. I figured he was done and because I'm insane I thought maybe he was waiting for me so we could walk out together. When several people got up and started handing in their papers I took a last glance at mine, figured I had nothing to add to make it any better, took a look at LesMisGuy not writing anything and made ready to leave. I made sure to take a while packing stuff up. As I got out LesMisGuy seemed to be stuck with his exam which is when I realised I'd fucked up and could've waited longer. I tried to make time going to the bathroom and then stalling a while longer perusing my bag looking for water, and my student ID, letting my hair down. To no avail. I then left, not without a last pause to pretend to get my hair up in a bun in case he was walking right behind me and just needed to catch up. Oh, and an extra pause to put away my student ID. Still nothing. I got on my way here and once I was sitting down, looking out a window, my mind wandered. I got to thinking... people don't touch me. My friends don't touch me. The only time I've been even close to something like that back rub bit today was once when I was in a crowded car with EBF, his sister and her friends. I was uncomfortable and he could tell by my body language. He actually grabbed my shoulders, told me to relax them a bit and pushed them down. I did my best but I was uncomfortable enough sitting on his lap, my head against the car's ceiling and freaking out about the guy I'd been sort of set up with. It's been said before, EBF had grants no one else has had, I felt comfortable hugging him when hugging was in order (never for "no reason"). I drew the line at kissing him on the cheek. Sometimes when he was feeling particularly... what's the word here? emotional?... he'd ask me to kiss him and it was just weird. Back to my point: people don't touch me. EBF did and for the most part knew better than to hold on to me even for as long as LesMisGuy did today. I bring EBF up, which I always do reluctantly, to make another point. I wondered just how much like EBF LesMisGuy is. I'm making too much of the fact that when we were on the lift he said something that sounded just like something EBF would say (same words and everything), but I want to bring other similarities to light. Both smart, knowledgeable, easy-going, confident, gym-goers (fine, manly men... except EBF's beard wasn't as nice as LesMisGuy's... and I suppose D takes the beard prize). Even some of their mannerisms are similar. Made me wonder if LesMisGuy's a player too. He's got all the right tools for it. It made me think a little more: he sort of often runs into girls he knows around campus. Mostly girls (at most one guy, actually). Made me remember I'm insecure and jealous. Makes me remember I'm being ridiculous with my comparisons, and even wanting to believe there's a big meaning to that shoulder moment. I know (and even asked A) it's not exactly standard (especially given our level of friendship), but I also have the good sense to know it wasn't all that much to make such a big deal out of. I still remember it fondly, and how much it made me want to kiss him, but I think that's a consequence of the most romantic scene I've seen in television to date. Today's soundtrack was "Blackbird," as sung by Chris Colfer. Because it reminds me of the wonderful kiss, yes. I've watched that scene maybe 4-5 times and it gets me every time. I've even favourited it on YouTube so I can watch it again as often as I like. Oh, as for the exam? I think there's a pretty good chance I'll pass. It was a bit long, and it took me a while to see which trick to use in some of them (only, of course, after trying to over complicate everything), but I think I'll manage. That's good, always good. Just so we're clear: I really want to tell LesMisGuy I like him. I just need the right moment to ask if he's got a girlfriend and tell him I have a crush on him. Today, if I'd waited for him, would've been a good time. I believe we won't have the seminar to see each other tomorrow, just game theory. And maybe Pentagono if he decides to join me like the last time. Only I could ask him to stay with me this time. I'm in ahead of myself. I love Kurt and Blaine, I love Chris Colfer, I... need to tell LesMisGuy how I feel about him in case he feels the same way. I need to forget how similar to EBF he may be, because it's nothing but trouble that way. Why do I smell him everywhere? Every so often suddenly I can smell him and it's just so weird... Right now, for instance. I checked: people who smell like D still smell good, and D smelled good before I took pills of any kind, I think. LesMisGuy does, in fact, smell good and apparently the birth control pills don't affect my judgement. Whether or not something else does, different from my gene set, is another question. ## Tuesday, 15 March 2011 ### *Gasp!* *giggles and smiles incontrolably* Oh, wow! Kurt and Blaine kissed! And it was so incredibly romantic!!!!! I'm still smiling like an idiot. I know it was wrong to go ahead and watch now just to find out who died, but I'm so insanely happy. I realise it's a bit ridiculous (maybe not so much), but I'm just too excited. (And maybe can't wait to try my luck with a similar case scenario, only straight, with LesMisGuy... but you knew that already). What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic. I got as excited about this, I realise, as I did when Harry kissed Ginny, or when Hermione dropped the basilisk fangs to kiss Ron. I'm also a geek, again not exactly news. My cheeks even hurt a bit now from smiling so much like an idiot just because some characters kissed (ever so romantically). Won't stop smiling. So romantic! So lovely! (I'm so jealous!) ### I'm so tired it's not funny Could be, but it's not. It's just disappointing. I fell asleep sometime around midnight (11:40pm-ish), woke up at 4:30, did the teaching practice, went to game theory class, walked around campus for a bit, went to the literature class, met with the calculus professor, had lunch, sat around for a bit reading and trying to study, went to the functional analysis class, then met with the professor directing our teaching practice. All to find LesMisGuy didn't stay. It was only reasonable, I suppose. He would've had too much time to do nothing. I'm disappointed, though. I was really looking forward to seeing him. It would've made the wretched exhaustion easier to bear. He didn't answer the e-mail either. So, because I'm rational and also insecure, I figure he's avoiding me somewhat. Yeah. I said it could be funny. I'm so tired, I'm too tired to be embarrassed, ashamed, or in any other way sorry about the possibly uncomfortable consequences of telling LesMisGuy I have a crush on him. Not that it matters, he wasn't around. I'm just saying there was a very real imaginary chance that I would've gone out and told him, frankly because I'm too tired to care if I'm right thinking he might be avoiding me and might have a girlfriend. I can't even process the thought of having to study as much as possible for tomorrow's exam. I know I've read through the books a little, I know the answers to the exercises we were given are in there somewhere. I can't process much of the information, though. I was surprisingly lucid (and even felt smart for a short while) when ExamGuy asked me a question about Cantor sets during set theory and I managed to both sort of understand the hint and then show him a proper construction (of a Cantor set with positive Lebesgue measure) I'd found in a book and explain why it worked. I've been feeling stupid ever since, though. On the bright side, SweetGuy's sweet. Always is. I love him. You already knew that, I don't care. I can't say it often enough: he can always make me smile. Now, if you'll excuse me, even breathing is tiring me. I need a few hours' sleep (and it should really be just a few hours, or I won't stand a chance to pass that exam). I just wanted to add two quick notes. The first is that I've had "Animal" stuck in my head for two days (maybe three?) now. Not as much anymore, but I wanted to keep some record as if it mattered. The second is that I can't help but think that if I could tell LesMisGuy about our game theory professor and how much I abhor the thought of walking out of the classroom with him like I did today, he should totally walk out with me and "protect" (who am I kidding? PROTECT) me. ### Lecherous old man So... I got out from my teaching practice, got to the game theory classroom, and shortly afterwards LesMisGuy came in and sat in front of me (yes, I did think to myself *elmo yay*). I told him I was meeting with Srq to study after the class and he said he'd join us. Two hours of being near him later, the class was over. Not without our professor asking me a question I answered stupidly (though I figure I could've answered better) and asking me to go to the board (to solve a problem he set up incorrectly). I got back as the class was over and took advantage of the fact that a few guy (including LesMisGuy) were around our professor, asking if he'd reschedule our studying session tomorrow to some other time when we're not taking the measure theory exam. As we walked out, I figured I'd catch up with LesMisGuy (he seemed to stall a bit) and go meet Srq. The old man wouldn't have it. He wanted to talk to me, ask silly questions about whether or not I understand, if I need help, and how silly his example was today. I did my best to answer with only the shortest of answers, even though I could, indeed, understand quite a bit more than I do. I was just thinking of getting away from him. Which is why I was relieved when one of the guys walking behind us asked him a question. I took my leave (quite rudely, perhaps, but by then I was escaping, not taking leaves) and tried to catch up with LesMisGuy. I thought of running up to him when I saw him not too far ahead, turning left (where he could've headed straight to the library) and thought twice about it. I figured I'd just give him a call. Turns out Srq didn't get here early to study, so I didn't meet with him. I figured it would've been polite to let LesMisGuy know (and find out if he'd like to study with me anyway), so I called him. I think he changed his phone number. Which might mean he didn't see the message I'm so ashamed of. Maybe. Either way, I had no way to reach him. Well, one way. I sent him an e-mail, figuring just might check his mail on his bb. I told him when I had class and to give me a call if he'd like to meet to study. I think it was ok. I mean, not so bad. No answer to this moment. I'm sitting at a table not studying, sharing a table with a girl who smells a bit too much like onions (and doesn't exactly look too pretty either), wondering what to review before my functional analysis class begins in just under two hours. Wondering if I'll miserably fail tomorrow's exams like my students failed the quiz. Wondering if LesMisGuy will sit next to me when we get together for the teaching practice reunion. Wondering if I'll be able to pull off telling him I have a crush on him. Because I'm not exactly wondering if he's interested and ballsy himself, I'm assuming he's not (interested). Which begs the question of why I'd want to tell him and the answer to that is I've no idea. Maybe we'll walk out together once we're done with everything, maybe we'll get to talk. There's a tiny chance that if the conversation allows it I'll try a pause to tell him. Maybe. Right. Back to studying. Or trying, at least. Hate that old man. Hate the look on his eyes, especially. Maybe it wasn't such a great idea to try and wear the purple shirt that makes my breasts look bigger, evolution be damned. ## Monday, 14 March 2011 ### Brief parenthesis LesMisGuy is going to class tomorrow, even though he'll have sod all to do for 8 hours. I don't want to draw conclusions about why he's bothering with the game theory class, but I'm glad I'll get to see him tomorrow. He could've almost joined Srq and me to study for Wednesday's exam, but ultimately decided not to. He did walk with me for a while as I bought some candy and he made up his mind (I think he'd made up his mind not to and just walked with me anyway). That was lovely. Now, as far as today's time in class is concerned... it wasn't all too lovely. He's his gorgeous self as always, I'm just broken and that's not exactly news. At the beginning of the class the girl in front of him leaned back and put her hair right in front of him. I'll dismiss the fact that she looked back to laugh at LesMisGuy greeting the girl presenting today's class because it was actually funny in a sort of mean way and I couldn't help but find the girl presenting to be very annoying. Also, I need some sanity. To the point, I got a sudden bout of jealousy. Just from that. Fine, not just from that, he was texting someone. Fine, I'm insane, I know I'm far from reasonable right now. Still, I didn't think I was a particularly jealous person. It was weird to have that feeling last for more than a split second. Thinking about it some more, maybe I'm not so much jealous as I am insecure. Then again, maybe most jealous people are actually just insecure. Either way, I think that's the real core of my problem. Not that it's actually a problem, as LesMisGuy owes me nothing, leave alone the insane kind of loyalty required for girls not to lean back against him staying a foot away. Right. I'll just go back to doing maths. Those aren't making much sense right now, but it's more sense than I'm making. ### Quick dream recap You can tell I'm worried about the measure theory test because I had a dream where we had the test (though oddly enough it was in the old classroom). We were given the instructions to write an essay, and I took a bit to catch up and put away my things and get some blank paper out to write it down in. This resulted in people getting up and out of the classroom before I was done with mine, so I assumed were given time to hand it in later. Then, just as I was almost out of university I thought what if that's not the case? So I ran and tried to make my way to where our professor would be, which for some reason was way up high in campus (as opposed to where the maths department actually is). This led to a make believe part of university right up from where the newest building meets a café. It was dark, and next thing I know I'm in a small town and walking through a restaurant/gallery where they kept lots of handcrafted purses, earrings, shoes and all sorts of other things. Very colourful. It made me think of buying a thing or two, to keep some sort of national identity when I was away. Not such a reasonable thing at all times, though. Sometimes I just figure I'm not that patriotic anyway, so why start now? I could hear a woman telling some relative about this restaurant place, and how she'd had breakfast and been given a jacket for$5000, only to get people on the other side of the line mad at her for they could eat for just \$2500.

In another dream, I was a pokèmon. Awesome, right? Not so much. Someone had poached me and others (including an articuno, or an ice-based dragon type, a charmeleon, and pikachu).I remember being trapped in a box with bars and I remember pikachu trying to save us all. The one to release us was the mother of the man who had kidnapped us (some guy who reminded me of Usher). She said she'd keep the ice pokèmon, though, as she figured it was valuable and could use the money. We made plans to run away with him too, old lady be damned. We were on a boat sailing through icebergs, and at some point we were out on deck when it got really cold. We got back in but the lady didn't, and she turned into a dragon and froze in spot when a wave of water came over her.

In yet another dream, the last I remember, I was suddenly famous and had an agent/manager/person. I had been invited to come up with a perfume for Oprah and I was going to meet her. For some reason, in my dream she ran a news agency set on the first floor of a mall, in a department store. As I sloppily walked down the department store my manager dude told me to get it together and walk properly, with an attitude. I thought something along the lines of "they'll have to give me high heeled shoes then, if I don't walk properly on those I fall" but said nothing. Those were last night's dreams. From me to me.

## Sunday, 13 March 2011

### Ballsiness wearing off...

Yep. I didn't even bother recording the last two dreams (last night's and night before that's), so I'll must make a small note. The first was a rather voyeuristic look at the life of some asian man. Not voyeuristic in the perverted sense, mind you, it was just a very detailed view of what went on with him, stuff I couldn't come up with and most certainly can't remember having seen anywhere. Can't remember any of it though, so don't take my word for it. The latter dream had A in it. Not sure what happened there. I just remember waking up and thinking "oh fuck! it's Monday and I have done sod all to make sure I pass my exams!". Still worried about those exams, actually.

I was just growing aware of my ballsiness wearing off. I'm chickening out of wanting to tell LesMisGuy I have a crush on him. What if it's incredibly fucking awkward and I can't shake it off? What if he's got a girlfriend (or is gay, or for whatever other reason not interested)? Yes, I suppose you can cut it down to fear of rejection, not that he'd actually reject me (he's too nice, I'm sure) but I'd know if it didn't work out and I'd be embarrassed to be around him, seating next to him in class (running away from him somehow seems silly, unlike it did with D... then again I'm in ahead of myself). Not that it could make any difference, but I suppose knowing this blog is public helps me think I'm actually letting info out into the universe. Maybe the universe will humour me this time. I believe the 3 times I figured were my limit when I was little and a tiny bit more superstitious have already been used up in rather silly things, come to think of it, so I'm not so sure "I'm allowed" to ask for more. I suppose that's why it's a matter of the universe wanting to humour me.

For all my feminist-ish views in many matters, I'm pretty old-fashioned. I'd have him take the lead. Maybe he could just surprise me with a kiss out of the blue or something. Which I realise is kind of hypocritical... I can't do it so I expect him to do it? Hm... Well, I asked him out first, so maybe he's "safer" doing that than I am. He's smart, he just might be able to figure I was asking him out in the american dating world sense of the expression. Amirite? He could just go for it, I figure. I couldn't possibly object. I'd be surprised, most likely (because, frankly, what are the chances if not tiny?), but I'd probably kiss him back when I found no words to serve me. Huge cliché (why am I thinking Lisa Simpson and Nelson, of all possible examples?), but kissing someone is probably the best way to leave him/her speechless.

## Saturday, 12 March 2011

### Poison

Just a small note. I may get upset at quite a few things, I may be easily annoyed and I often complain about things that aren't all that bad. I do, however, believe I don't easily go into a rage, it's hard to get me to be truly furious at anything. My parents called while they were away to ask me to give my grandmother her 6pm pills. I served her a small glass of yoghurt with some granola and took her the pills. I know I'm not exactly nice to my grandmother, but at worst I ignore her when I'm rude to her. She wouldn't have the pills. There was nothing I could say to convince her otherwise. It's not exactly unusual. What's got me writing is the fact that that old hag turned into venom. I got furious, very quickly. When I realised I felt a very real urge to bash her head against the wall I left the pills on her night-stand and left.

I'm still a little surprised by my reaction. Yes, she's an old hag. Yes, she's bitter. Yes, she's incredibly rude and unspeakably mean. No, there's no way that's all because she's insane. I know her background is less than decent. I know she was abused when she was a child. I know her father hanged himself in front of her when she was little. I know her evil (there's no other word for it) killed her pet cats in rather horrific ways. I know she became an alcoholic when she married my grandfather for a reason I don't know and don't ever want to know. I know two of her four children committed suicide (I'm calling it suicide, even if my mum just said both their planes crashed even though they were with instructors).

I'm just not that easy to anger. She got me really fucking pissed really fucking quick, and I'm not a violent person but I genuinely wanted to hurt her. She's fucked up alright, but that's way beyond the scope of any regular schizophrenia or senile dementia. I swear that woman's evil incarnate and I don't even think I've ever seen an image of a demon half as mad as her. Demons look happy by comparison, they're usually grinning and being mischievous. She's nothing but hatred and whatever makes her that way becomes contagious. It's fucked up. I hate it.

Yes, I'm taking distance from her. I don't care if tiny bits of my genes are related to her. That woman's an evil bag of roaches and I won't excuse her behaviour just because I know she's mentally ill. I most certainly will not try and condone it because we're related. I don't care if she's got an awful background. I'm blaming this on her. You just can't be that evil and not have it be your fault.

## Friday, 11 March 2011

### Definitely broken

I was particularly paranoid today. For no good reason, too. I was just so paranoid about men staring at me. Fine, so the other day policemen waved at me from their car as I sat on the bus (I do have to add in a what the uniformed fuck?!). And I only just understand how inappropriate it was for Sfer to lick his lips staring at me. I suppose it adds up. Either way, I worry that it's too many parts paranoia to very few reality. Take today's class, for instance. Maybe I walked in a bit annoyed at the mayor and the chaotic traffic (it took over an hour and a half to get to university, and it was just 4pm... four accidents in all on my way there!). Still, why did I grow so paranoid that ExamGuy, CartoonishGuy and even the other guy to my right glanced at me a bit too often? Why did it upset me so when our professor touched his belly from underneath his sweater, letting some skin show? Why did it upset me when he sat straddling the chair facing us? I know, impropriety. Still, it should not have offended me so.

Why am I so paranoid? Why do I worry so much about men staring at me? Why do I feel assaulted at displays of masculinity/sexuality? I really doubt it has anything to do with my experience with D. I feel inclined to jump to conclusions, wonder if I could have possibly been abused as a little girl and somehow managed to block out any memories. All I'd have to go on are my sudden fear of men, as remembered by my mum, which stopped just as suddenly. And then there's my grandmother's ramblings and her (horrifying) background. And then there's a chance that I'm truly going mad, but I figure that's a rather small chance at my age. I think it's more a matter of being broken. Much like the death of my little one left me broken, something else left me broken before that. I don't feel comfortable in situations many people would brush off or even consider flattering.

It begs the questions of why I didn't mind being liked by D, why I liked D, and whether or not any of that applies to LesMisGuy (in case he, you know, actually likes me). It's odd. I grew up blocking quite a lot out: I figured feelings (especially liking men) were embarrassing, and made up lies I've learned to live up to.

Want to know a secret? I don't actually hate dancing. I just know I'm a terrible dancer and brush it off as it being something I don't like to do. I liked dancing back when I was... what, 8? That brazilian song was all the rage back then, and I danced it over and over again, taking pride in how many times in a row I could dance it over and over again. I might as well add that all I did was repeat the same 4 or so steps it took to get over the chorus. One of the last times I danced it was probably on a halloween party held at the building I lived in. I was dressed up as Lady Di (though I must admit the silver and blue sequel dress were a terrible attempt). The actual last time was at a birthday, Di's birthday, to be precise. Her brother (a few years older) made fun of me. I felt humiliated and decided I could go without dancing, I could go without parties.

Then came the initial stages of partying and I was invited to a few parties, much to my mum's excitement. She tried some bonding and even tried to teach me how to dance (she's supposed to be great... to this day I wouldn't know what a good dancer looks like except "not like me"). I refused because even then I was a proud little girl. I didn't care if dancing was cool, I took some pride in not liking it (or pretending not to, anyway). I even liked to contradict my cousins when they told me I'd grow to like it much like I thought I'd never find a man attractive if he didn't look like a Hollywood star. Come to think of it, I took pride in not thinking Leonardo Di Caprio was as hot as the Titanic ages would have had little girls believe. Never liked the blond, blue-eyed look I guess. Not true, I did when I was 5, but I digress. I lied out of embarrassment and to this day I'll refuse to dance in public. I do, however, find most dancing environments to be very uncomfortable and annoying. I'm not completely inconsistent when I say I don't like to go partying to clubs.

Back to feelings, I learned to deny and hide them. Then I fell for D, for whatever odd reason, and failed to show him I loved him. Made me want to turn into a true ice queen, just to prove him wrong. Not that he would have noticed, he had no means to. Fast forward to moving here, and feelings were non-existent, to say the least. I went to great lengths to try and show D I loved him when we were together again, but I wasn't left wanting to hide my feelings when that plane crashed. I simply went without them, for the most part. Well, romantic feelings, anyway. I kept on deluding myself about D for a long time, but I kept those feelings quiet as much as I could and did everything within my power not to act on them. Faced with my feelings for LesMisGuy, I feel it's only the most reasonable thing to let him know about them. It's a matter of finding the right means to do so, seeing as what I hoped was "asking him out" didn't exactly work and I haven't quite given up yet.

I'm not ashamed of my feelings for LesMisGuy. I'm a little ashamed, to be honest, that I still care so much about EBF I wanted to make sure he was ok after the quake. I don't like my parents to know how broken the death of my little one left me, how much I care about her and how badly I miss her. No, no! I'm tearing up and my dad will get here any minute with pizza... I feel my mum's nosy when she tries to ask about my sister's love life or my own. I don't want them to know. I do feel, however, that LesMisGuy should know I like him, because it's "the right thing to do". I have a crush on him, and to be honest I had a lot less going on with D when I got together with him, so maybe there's not so much middle ground to cover with LesMisGuy if it turns out he's interested too. For the sake of my own sanity, I do believe I like LesMisGuy for all the right reasons: he's sweet, he's a gentleman, he's confident, he's smart, he knows fun useless facts, he's polite, he can mock people and be mean-ish, he is humble, he is considerate... in short? awesome.

There's a tiny fact I'm overlooking: I'm not too sure how much "thinking he liked me" had to do with actually liking him. I don't understand why it took me so long to even consider him. I sort of have an idea, I always figured he had a girlfriend (the girl from last semester's logic classes). I know they're friends, I wouldn't know if there's more to it. I figured he was taken, though, and always sort of imagined he might be a little bit of an idiot (I find that's more a prejudice against his body type). I didn't realise how wrong I was until last semester, I think (about him being an idiot, he certainly isn't). Still, I didn't think of him at all until I noticed him staring at me during class and even then my first reaction was to go into a paranoid fit. I don't think it was all about how sorry I feel for R1, either. Back when I felt sorry I was still having mixed feelings because I realised it wasn't often that non-creeps like me.

Which brings more questions, why do you suppose men who like me turn out to be perverts, creeps and otherwise downright scary/disgusting? There is but one confirmed exception, R1. D was as much a creep as any other. The reason I took so long to notice remains a mystery to me. He's smart and manipulative and still I can see through smart manipulative people, not him. I wonder if LesMisGuy is manipulative (it's the trait that worries me the most, really) and hope he's not because it would mean I'm definitely broken. If you consider how I sort of liked 2 some time ago, and how he turned out to be a pathological liar, it doesn't look good. Boy can I pick them!

What worries me most if LesMisGuy likes me is letting him know me. I'd have no problem giving him the information, I fear what he'd figure out from that. I fear he likes me about as superficially as others have before because there's so much fucked up about me he doesn't know. I know there's a lot I don't know about him, and yet I feel that nothing I could find out later would make me change my mind about him. He could change his mind about me. I can tell already, I have a terrible self-esteem and feel unworthy of being loved. Makes me miss my little one all the more. Why do I feel so unworthy, though? I know people far more broken feel fine being loved and having people show their appreciation. I, on the other hand, can't stand it. I've made up my mind about D and decided he never loved me, even when it seemed like he did. When in doubt, I just remember he didn't know me. That leaves no one. And this is the second time I stop myself from bringing up EBF.

I wouldn't know a thing about it, but I'm pretty sure that's a sign of abuse. Victims feel worthless. And now I'm wondering how much of this is me trying to explain my insane thoughts through a blame that's not my own. Something happened to me, I try to tell myself, so it's not my fault if I freak out when men like me. It doesn't make sense to be so uncomfortable with displays of sexuality and masculinity, though. I didn't mind it with D, and I'm sure I don't mind with LesMisGuy either. I'm forgiving his "alpha male" looks, admit he's not an idiot, and even love his back, his shoulders, his arms, his beard. Even mariachis make me uncomfortable, come to think of it (their clothes and pose are designed to make them look like machos). It's not that I find sex, per se, repulsive. I'm old fashioned in many of my beliefs, but I'm not a prude. I understand that sex is fun, I've had fun in my limited experience with it. I don't mystify it too much, and yet I do give it meaning. I happen to believe my position is a rather sensible one. I don't see why it makes me so uncomfortable then.

Pizza's here, and if I don't stop this rant it will both be too long and impossible to keep track of. I'm just leaving myself a reminder (though I wonder if I haven't already) to write about Terabithia, Spiderwick Chronicles, and Antigone (death and marriage, in particular).

Oh, yes... today's soundtracks: "Don't you want me" (Darren Criss and Lea Michele),

Baby (Chord Overstreet).