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Wednesday, 9 February 2011

That's a "no" then, I figure

This here thing with LesMisGuy isn't going to work out, is it?

Yesterday was uneventful, except for the part where everything was terrible. Against my better judgement I wore pretty-ish shoes again, rubbing on the old blisters from the day before, for the sake of vanity (not that I was hoping LesMisGuy would notice much or anything). I was also under-dressed, considering how cold it was. And I made an idiot of myself during the literature class saying something I thought was helpful but turned out to be completely out of place. Oh, and I slipped and fell, and twisted my left ankle. To top it all off, when I was on the bus half-way here my mum called and mentioned she'd be picking my dad up from the office. I asked if I should get off the bus and wait for her, she said yes. I got out and waited. And then she called to say traffic was a nightmare (when is it not?) and I should wait inside the supermarket. I waited over an hour. Got here exhausted. My feet are still very sore. I'm still having allergic reactions to flea bites and waking up at midnight because I can't help the itching. My pillow is a mess and I've had a sore neck for two days. The only thing missing are headaches, but I'm sure those will start soon enough.

There were only not so shitty things to be told from my day yesterday. The first is that I walked by Rf and I felt not a thing. It was very reassuring to know I wasn't freaking out at the sight of him and relating him to D like I did. The second is SweetGuy. SweetGuy is sweet. He said hi, he was his lovely usual self. Nothing more. I love him. Of LesMisGuy there's not much to tell. When he walked into the game theory classroom he considered sitting in the seat in front of me (the only one near me available) and took a seat around the place he usually sits. He got out before me. That was that.

As for today, I'm still sore. I got to class. LesMisGuy was standing around outside the classroom. I waved from a distance and said hi. He said hi back, we didn't kiss. We talked, a little awkwardly. We got inside. We exchanged a word or 5. I made some stupid remark about French idioms translated and used incorrectly in every day Spanish. I tried writing on the table. My handwriting's terrible. He pointed that out. I tried toying with my rubber, extending my arm in his general direction. I absentmindedly touched his hand and he backed away, so I did too and didn't try anything else. I figured he was, in fact avoiding me (and probably has been since last week). He treats me not too different from other guys in class, including the casual look and 5 word exchange.

We agreed to work together on the seminar for that class. He was the first to bring up the fact that two of the possible topics had already been taken, two of the nicer ones (one including random walks). He asked about the other one about random walks and probabilistic definitions of amenability in groups. I pointed it out in my notes. He turned my way a few times, like he had something to say, but said nothing. I figured he may have been avoiding me and in particular me as a partner to work with, so I said nothing and figured if we were going to work together it had better be him doing the asking. As we walked out of the classroom he asked about the topic I liked best for the seminar. I asked if he wanted us to work together and he asked if I didn't mind working with probability. I answered I didn't really mind much and told him we should go tell the professor lest that topic be taken by someone else, so we did. To be honest, I had my eye on the two that were picked first, and also liked the one about random walks. He sees it from a programmer's point of view. I'm thinking graphs and drawings are amusing. The one with random walks and probability? Not my top pick, but I would've gone for it, maybe. In retrospect, him asking what I wanted to do was probably not my cue. He was probably trying to dissuade me when he asked about the probability part. Can't reasonably back out of it, though.

We walked out together, bought some coffee/chocolate and he asked about my choice for chocolate (again). Somewhat unusual, he's got a very good memory and would've remembered I actually do like coffee, just not the one they sell there, and the chocolate also has caffeine (I mentioned the endorphins too this time). We walked downstairs to the classroom. There were a few people inside. I was going to sit on the benches outside but LesMisGuy went in, so I followed. I dropped my bookbag and walked out saying we should eat outside to avoid making a mess. He took a bit, but followed. I sat on the bench. There was plenty of room, but he chose to stand about 1.3m or so away from me. We talked, but not much. Our game theory professor recognised us and decided to chit chat. He shook LesMisGuy's hand and then mine, getting me stuck in a conversation regarding a homework he's giving us tomorrow. Not LesMisGuy, me. He also got my name wrong again on purpose first. And shook my hand for an unusually long time. Very uncomfortable. LesMisGuy started talking to some other of the guys while I was stuck with the professor. Then the measure theory professor walked in, and so did we.

During class I kept to myself, even keeping my chair a good 20cm away from his. We talked a few times, mostly about topology and how to use it in the proofs our professor was having a hard time with. LesMisGuy was brilliant (ok, he's always brilliant) and helped prove some of the theorems and disprove a few of the ideas that wouldn't work to prove them. Not as hot as usual, surprisingly. Halfway through the class he got jittery. Sometimes he'd just tap his feet really fast, and quite hard on the floor (made my chair move). Sometimes he'd bury his face in his hands, or lean very close to the desk, absorbed in thought, looking at the desk or his feet. I figured he'd be needing to pee as soon as we got out, so I didn't bother much waiting for him. He could've followed right behind me and didn't so once I was out I didn't try to stop and tie my shoes, or put my hair up or anything. I took my chance to go to the bathroom too and walk out to get a bus.

On the bus I started thinking. I thought of how silly it was to wear foundation and a newly bought mascara (if only in tiny amounts) hoping to look nice. I realised this thing with LesMisGuy is not going to work out. We can't even have a good conversation and I'm not sure it's just the fact that conversation doesn't come naturally to me and I'm too hazed in the hormone flush to think straight and make a decent efort. When we talk, the conversation is pulled through roughly, hitting bumps and patches, sometimes getting stuck and awkward. Even when I think I've got something nice to say I screw up because I miss my cues and then say things twice, the second time far too late and botched up.

Today's examples are how I grew to like some coffee (of the frozen kind). We'd already closed the coffee subject and I just went and asked about how he'd studied for the exam we take after school, only to mention I'd learned to drink coffee frappé because they sold it near the place where I studied. I didn't even get to mention how I won the chance to go to another city because of my good scores. I also tried to compare the game theory professor to a routine by Les Luthiers. Only I fucked up the joke. And he didn't really know what I was talking about. He said he's only seen one of their routines and thought it was funny, but implied he may have only thought it was funny because he was fairly drunk. I don't usually judge, it's none of my business. So I'm not sure why that was such a huge turn off. Yeah, anyway, conversations don't flow. Our time together is mostly awkward and when we talk maths I'm evidently nowhere near as good as he is.

*le sigh*

Sometimes I'm thinking, "Why not? I'll just tell him I fancy him and maybe ask if I can kiss him just to see what happens". And then I realise he's really not into me and I'd be wasting our time. I wish I could do something to get him interested, and yet I only find more proof that he is, in fact, too good for me and would be far better off with many other girls he should have no trouble hooking up with. I've found myself wanting to believe he's such a dork he's probably never had a girlfriend before, but I know that's not true. He has a social life. I hate to make gross generalisations like these, but if he drinks he's more likely than not been part of a drunk hook up, at the very least. I'm the one who's socially challenged, emotionally stumped and psychologically broken. At times I just really want the company, being close to someone, and some physical contact. But I can live without those, and if I have to live an old maid then so be it. I can't really push this, and trying to do so, now that we're supposed to work together, can only make things exponentially uncomfortable.

On other news, my going away is verging on disaster. My aunt insists I should be going as soon as possible. I e-mailed my uncle and my cousin, though, and you'd think they've never even talked about me, the three of them together. My cousin and uncle seem to understand I'll be getting a Master's degree in biomedical engineering. So far, so good. The problem is that seems to be the only thing they agree on. I mentioned I won't be able to graduate when this semester is over, I'll need to take more subjects and work on my thesis before that. I'd been e-mailing with my uncle, telling him I've arranged that can be done from Tmp and I'll just have to come back to present my work and get my degree. However my uncle said I should graduate first, which means I'd be staying here for another semester (maybe a year, depending on whether or not they let me work on my thesis in just one semester). That's money my parents can't cough up, and I'll only have one tenth of what's necessary for tuition with the work I got this semester.

I suppose it's what I was hoping to earn anyway. I thought I wouldn't get paid for teaching practice, and I thought I'd score more Pentagono hours. I got no Pentagono hours and pay for teaching practice, equivalent to the number of hours (and for about the same money/hour) I wanted to do in Pentagono. Just as well.

To sum up, I'm giving up on LesMisGuy, I'm not even sure when I'm going away anymore (and, for that matter, if it's worth it to give things a try). If there's any hope left, it lies in maybe exchanging e-mails and being able to IM to work on the seminar. Maybe I'll do better. Maaaaybe he'll be interested. I suppose I'll stick to using some mascara (if only for the sake of using it).

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