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Saturday, 12 February 2011

One late blooming teenager I am

Yesterday I was just too tired to bother writing about how unexciting my day was. I went downtown with my mum, my dad gave me money to buy some shoes for my birthday and mum insisted they were definitely cheaper there. They're not, not if you look like us, anyway. They even charged us up to 50% more in some places. Some of the salesmen were incredibly pushy, and after a while my mum got pushy and angsty too. She had decided to bring my grandmother along and leave her alone in the car while we shopped because she had to take an antibiotic. That resulted in both salesmen and my mum trying to tell me to buy whatever shoes I was wearing, even if I wasn't completely in love with them, or I wanted to check if I could find cheaper ones.

I got mad at my mum and told her she didn't need to be in a hurry and pushing me to make the purchase as soon as possible because it's my damned birthday gift and it just so turns out I want to make a reasonable investment of the money I was given by choosing shoes I really like. She left to check on my grandmother and I kept looking around, eventually finding shoes I liked for a bit less money than we'd been asked to cough up in other stores. Turned out they didn't have any more shoes I liked in my size there, so we went back to the first places to buy another pair of shoes for my sister. My dad had given us money for us to buy her something too. My mum and I got into an argument regarding which shoes my sister would like, and she wanted me to buy shoes that were uncomfortable just because they weren't for me. I told her we had no right to go choosing for my sister, we were getting no where and it would be best for the two of them to go back and buy the other pair of shoes.

She dropped me off at university, I had salad for lunch (more on that later), about 100g of kisses chocolates (somewhat stale, I reckon, but also somewhat of a bargain downtown) for lunch and waited. I was to meet with a friend of my sister's to help him with maths. He's an idiot, and I might've been a little rude, but see if I care he didn't pay for my time and I wasn't about to charge, my sister made the deal. He also smelled, so maybe I'm a little prejudiced, but he's definitely not very bright and making very little efforts to become better. I only helped him for an hour (out of 2 we'd scheduled) and got back to studying for the functional analysis class I had next. I went into class, which went fairly smoothly, and got back. Tiny plus in my day? SweetGuy is sweet. That's all I have to say. He's lovely.

On to today. AOB might come by late at night (8-9pm) to pick up some papers he asked me to get for him in university. I don't feel like doing fuck all today. Not celebrate my birthday in advance, not even paint my nails, or study. I've been watching youtube makeup tutorial videos and I plan to keep doing that. Lunch was a nightmare too. For one my mum made these potatoes with peppers and onions, not my favourite but passable. Only she used old cream on them, so old it was chunky (curdled, no less... I had that in last night's soup too) and didn't even melt. I said nothing about those. Then there's the fact that she wanted to make a salad. She came by and told me she was thinking of mixing diced tomatoes, cheese and heart of palms. I asked if the tomato would be raw and mentioned I don't like raw tomatoes. Since she was going for cheese and tomatoes anyway I told her she could just slice the tomatoes, put them on a tray with olive oil, oregano, cheese, salt and pepper and put that in the oven. She said she'd already diced them (I figured she meant the cheese) so I said she could just place them all over as they'd be melting anyway.

I walk into the kitchen when they call me for lunch and we're having the potatoes with salmon. The tomato had been diced too and my mum had put it in the oven with the cheese, balsamic vinegar and olive oil. They were still raw and the cheese hadn't even melted. I said so, I said the cheese hadn't even melted and that the tomatoes weren't ready yet (I don't like raw tomatoes, have I mentioned that?). She got mad at me and said she'd asked me how I wanted the tomatoes so I'd eat them. I said they could still eat the tomatoes, not that they'd mind them being raw still, and I'd do without them. Which then got her to say I didn't need to say I thought they were disgusting. I retorted I hadn't said that. All I said is that they hadn't cooked yet and they were already serving lunch, so I wouldn't be having any. She said it was implied. Argh!

It doesn't end there, though. We sat at the table. I did my best to stare at nothing but the food, ignore everything around me and I crossed off my mum's insistence on getting mad at me on menopause. Then my dad asked about my going away, and whether or not my cousin had answered my e-mail. I quickly explained I'd gotten answers from both my cousin and my uncle, both quite contradictory. Then he asked me what I wanted to do. I explained I have no choice but to go come the end of the semester and do what I can to get degrees (in maths, from wherever, maybe the master's degree in biomedical engineering). But he insisted on having me make a decision based on what I want. I said we can't afford to pay for tuition here until I graduate, and I'm already doing all the arrangements to go, not to mention my aunt A really wants me to get there ASAP. Then he says something about how I shouldn't be limiting my options because of the money, that we can get another credit (NOT), and I could definitely stay here and finish. Except only, NO, I CAN'T.

I'm in the middle of doing everything to leave, not exactly because I chose to but because I had to. And I'm set on it, I'm leaving. I'll study there. I'll see if I can make a living. I accepted my aunt and uncle's offer because I couldn't not accept it, and I already knew they wanted me to study biomedical engineering. I have no problem with it. If I hadn't been offered the chance then I would've settled for working in campus teaching everything they'd let me teach for a living because I like this university in particular. If I can make good money with biomedical engineering, then that's good too. I'll cut off this argument here to go on telling the discussion.

My dad then decided to shut up about my going away and he and my mum started talking visas and passports. He insisted we have to get the mechanical passports and then get new visas, that we should go as a family to get our all new tourist visas. I answered we're good with our passports until 2014 and won't need to change them to get new visas. We'll be fine getting visas with our old passports until then. He said something about how I'd have to go to another city in the US just to do that, but that's 3 years from now, and I can perfectly afford to come back (because I have to, anyway) to get the new passport when I actually need it. Nope, he wants us to get visas together, he wants to get the tourist visas again (even though we clearly can't afford to travel). Then he and my mum got in an argument because my mum said she'd been reading the requirements online and my dad doesn't want to be the one "doing everything" (like he worked all that much and couldn't spare 10min to call the embassy). One particular behaviour they both insist in and I believe is incredibly impractical is that of doing every all paperwork with people. They can't be bothered to follow procedure if they know there's a living person somewhere that works with something remotely related.

On that note, my mum got my sister's friend's mum on the phone so she could make an idiot of herself. She refuses to pay her phone bills because they've been charging almost twice the usual fee for receiving spam text messages. She's been sending letters (rather rude ones at that, like they're somehow going to get better answers) and keeping tabs. The phone company's ignoring her claims and menacing to cut off the phone line. My dad will be left without a phone and can't be bothered to tell people he knows to reach him at a different number. The woman my mum asked to talk to works in the phone company. I'm sure she's got fuck all to do with the spam messages and can't possibly find someone who does. My mum said she doesn't want this woman to get involved, she just wants the name and phone number of someone she can contact, because the paperwork the company will continue to ignore isn't going anywhere and, surely, talking to someone will fix everything. You know what the problem is? She thinks she's so entitled. She thinks she's got nothing to lose if they put her in the list of "you owe us" government list because she's already in it.

My cousin's lawyer boyfriend has already pointed out that the company doesn't fucking care and will continue to charge outrageous charges for spam because it fucking can and most people would rather pay than jump through bureaucratic hoops to make things right. Whenever someone important makes the complaint, they pay a fine and go on doing things wrong. The answer, for mum, isn't changing phone companies. She wants to go on paying the bastards she knows will do everything they can to go on stealing from their customers. She just wants them to stop stealing from her, just because she's arguing back. Part of her "not letting people fuck with you" motto, I'm sure.

Back to lunch, my dad left to wash the dishes, I sat around, ate a few chocolates and came to my room.

Before the rant I meant to write in the first place, an observation. My dad's idea of us getting visas as a family is fucking retarded. As a legal adult, I can go and do things on my own to get my student's visa. I'll get a little confused, sure, but I can handle it. If we all go together, I'll show up as the daughter of the loser idiots who think it will be rad to get a tourist visa so they can go to the US even though they don't have the money to go there. Even though they can't afford to go because they're neck deep in debts they refuse to pay and keep running away from because (surprise!) they grow bigger the longer you take to pay for them. They behave like being in debt is something that just happened to them, as opposed to something they brought on to themselves. They behave like they're free of sin, and it's wrong of the banks to want their money back. I'll agree the banks' measures are far from polite, not to mention how some of them must actually be illegal (like pretending to be from another company, or making threats they're no good on). Still doesn't get them on the right side of the problem. They're still in debt. They still suck at managing money. They still aren't responsible.

I'm fucking mad and I know why now, I've realised what the pattern is. My parents keep making decisions for me, and once they've made their decision and it's already taking its course of action, they ask me what I want. It's so infuriating! They can't ask me what I want if they've already made the choice for me! What am I supposed to choose if trying to imply I would've chosen differently gets me into an argument where they always win and always get their way? Yes, it's a trauma and no I won't be getting it treated any time soon because we can't fucking afford it: that's exactly what happened with my little one. The vet said we had to put her down, they agreed and decided we had to put her down. Then they ask me if I want to put her down so I'll be the monster wanting to prolong her misery. It was the same with my uncle and aunt's offer. My uncle and aunt decided I should go, my mum and dad (and everyone else) made sure to point out what a fucking great offer it is and how it would be retarded to refuse it. They're asking me now if that's what I want.

So, on to my late fascination with vanity. I had salad for lunch because I feel fat. I feel hideous. I have terrible self-esteem and I know it. My weight is steady, no matter how much I try to cut back on the food I eat, I'm not losing weight. So I had salad. And then I got hungry and ate lots of chocolates. And now I'm angry so I'm eating more chocolates, but I'll be starving myself until tomorrow if I can to make up for it, even if it makes my stomach burn (yes, I'm aware that I'm starting to develop a case of gastritis, and I know it's bad). I'm shallow. Deep inside I think that if I can make things look good on the outside then maybe I won't bother noticing how rotten they actually are. Make up helps people look beautiful, no matter what you start off with (alright, with very few exceptions). So, it amuses me to no end to see the transformations. I would be painting my nails again (I sort of ruined them last night and one of them's chipped) but I know my mum will ask me why I'm doing my nails again and I'll get looks tomorrow if I paint them dark blue like I want to. (Because I feel blue, I'm painting them blue. Yes. That simple. That stupid.)

Which brings me to, tomorrow. I asked my mum a few days ago if we were having a family reunion or something for my birthday. When my dad had his sushi fever I'd mentioned I would much rather cook minestrone for 20 people than sushi for 20 people on my birthday, so we'd sort of agreed we'd be having minestrone. My mum said she hadn't asked anyone to come and that she didn't think we should do a lunch. I reminded her I'd said nothing about lunch, or what I wanted. I was just asking if people were coming and I needed to make any arrangements for that. Then yesterday my dad mentioned we're having a family reunion at my uncle's house as a farewell party for my cousin and her husband going away and her promotion. I don't suppose they remember it's my birthday tomorrow, but it kind of gets in the way of not doing anything al day like I was hoping. Normally it wouldn't get to me, I understand how awesome her promotion is. It's just that it's my fucking birthday and I'd be hoping to be a bit less "on the side". If it were just the closest weekend to my actual birthday I might mind a bit less. I suppose I'm also pre-bummed because all I have to "look forward to" are A, AOB's and N2's greetings.

It also upsets me to know my parents don't want to hold a reunion themselves because they're thinking of how much it will cost them (even though the minestrone's ingredients are actually very cheap and you consider we've already got most of them here). They only factor in asking a lot of people to come so I'll get lots of presents, even though it actually means I'll be getting chocolates and maybe socks from my cousins' grandparents and uncles. I'm sorry, I understand they're trying to save money, but I also understand there are so many ways they could be saving money and they're not, like paying the fucking debt, passing the fucking exam to get a promotion from serving snacks (in my dad's case), not buying a fucking new fridge we don't actually need, not buying a fucking new television we don't need either, selling the televisions we're not using (as well as other shit lying around the house), not buying expensive food items on binges, not buying cigarettes, not buying candy (in my dad's case, again), not buying clothing items on a whim (in my mum's case), and not being so spoiled rotten and using my aunt's high gas consumption borrowed car to go places we could go by bus. That's to name a few, I could think of more.

I don't even want anything in particular for my birthday. I mentioned shoes because it's been forever since we last bought a pair of tennis shoes (the ones my sister got as presents, the sporty ones, don't count because I don't use them) and the ones we have are already pretty shitty. I'd love to buy a pretty shirt just for the sake of having a pretty shirt but I realise I'd have no place or occasion to wear it to and it would be a waste. I refuse to buy underwear for my birthday (even though most of it is also in tatters) and my mum wouldn't have me buy more jeans or pants, so I'm giving up on those. Then there's the rubber boots my mum wants to buy, because the old ones broke and she insists we need new ones (no, we don't). I don't want books, I've still to read lots of books I bought long ago and never got the time to read. I've already bought 3 items on whims: mascara, chocolates (stale) and chocolates (to share with LesMisGuy). If needs be I'll buy more candy in a week or so. See? My whims aren't that expensive. Those 3 up there? less than I've got left to spend from my birthday present. So I'll just cross it off as the rest of my birthday present and leave the rest to spend on bus rides, the occasional cup of coffee/chocolate, a weekly pack of gum and stress relief candy.

That's all, I just needed it all out. I'll go back to watching youtube videos now.

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