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Tuesday, 1 February 2011

On the bright side, at least that's over with

So, I got back from dinner with EBF, his sister and his sister's boyfriend a while ago. It took 2 hours to get here by bus today and he got here with his mum a while after I got in. I was crossing my fingers for him not to want to come in (which would undoubtedly make him notice my little one missing). It gave me time to get some money, throw on a sweater and put my hair up in an attempt at a bun on my way to the car. He was wearing a panda cap. His mum tried to make some conversation talking about the houses in the neighbourhood. He and his mum discussed directions to the restaurant. We met with his sister and her boyfriend there. They did most of the talking. At some point they asked about my academic life and I took a cheap way out saying something about how they've changed the classes, in particular the seminars. I said nothing about leaving. I said very little all evening, actually.

They talked about how they'd all been travelling around Asia (well, China and Thailand, I gathered). They talked about food for a long time, trying to stay on the food subject on purpose (I suppose the reason why beats me). I was left out understanding very little, not really finding their inside jokes all that funny, not understanding a word they said in mandarin. Brilliant. Then the food came. The sushi was alright, but then the dish I used to order came in and it just wasn't as good as it once was (you could make some sense of it if my life were a movie or a book I figure). It was dry, the lemongrass was chopped too big, the mushrooms had been replaced and neither the vegetables nor the chicken seemed to have enough liquid to go with it. The lemonade had coarse little bits of spearmint that kept getting lodged in my throat.

They quieted down for a while when the food came. EBF's sister started offering her curry, which I refused both times (they'd all been eating from the same spoon, and plate). I got distracted looking at nearby tables and out the window. I wasn't really paying much attention to them. They told jokes. They talked about bi girls they know and sex adventures of sorts. I kept on eating even though I'd lost my appetite halfway through the dish. They were sleepy, and I just couldn't eat any faster, or grow any hungrier. They kept on talking. I laughed as I could at their jokes, laughing more when they laughed more, but always a couple of notches below them. I gave up on food altogether about 6-7 bites from finishing. I just couldn't handle it and all I wanted was to get out of the restaurant. They're not stupid, I'm sure they realised I was uncomfortable. A while after some more talking we paid for the meal and left. As we walked to the car EBF tried to get me to talk. I asked what it was he wanted me to say and then switched subjects commenting on him walking on the "wrong side" of the corridor. We got on the car. EBF fell asleep. We got here and I greeted the black lab.

It's a little silly, but I felt quite comfortable around the lab and was glad to greet him. I'd been avoiding EBF when he stretched out or brushed his hands accidentally against me. I have to admit I was close enough to breaking down and crying when we crossed the bridge to get here. EBF's sister's boyfriend thought I lived someplace else.

They talked, among other things about having gotten together. They talked about how EBF's been around campus (which confirms a thing or two from my previous post).

I'm still broken.

I still feel left out, in the way, unnecessary, uncalled for. I still think in a paranoid rage he might be reading this blog (though the crappy detection codes would beg to differ). I still think he might have chosen to call when I was busy, and scheduled tonight hoping I wouldn't be able to make it. I should've just called when I got here and told him I was fucking tired and wanted sod all to do with him. Not in those words, of course. Not in those words... not in words at all if I could help it. I feel miserable. I munched down on dinner as best I could out of an appetite and I'm sure I'll regret it later. I wasted good money on the meal and I didn't even enjoy it. I've no one to talk to. I half wish EBF would IM me asking me to tell him stuff, talk to him and yet I know he won't and don't actually want him to. I just think of it as an excuse to send him this blog's way so he can read if he's interested (which, I assure you, he really isn't) and give up on trying to talk to me altogether. And that's... well, you know.

All I have to wash the bitter aftertaste is SweetGuy having sat next to me for a while before class and chatting with me. He's sweet, he's incredibly nice. It was a lovely 10min or so. (Telling SweetGuy I'm leaving? Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Telling EBF I'm leaving even when he's only just asked about classes? Not a chance in hell frozen over.)

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