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Monday, 7 February 2011

I'm pretty sure there's a song for this

I'm a walking contradiction. I suppose LesMisGuy isn't, though. To be fair, there's a good chance that he's actually too good for me. Alright, I'm sounding stupid already and I haven't even gotten around to today's insignificant interactions. I got to class early, ruined my phone's charger, and took a seat. LesMisGuy arrived, took a seat next to me, said hi to the guy on his other side and didn't really greet me (not that I remember, no kiss, no direct address). Right. That class was uneventful, we didn't even touch, or brush against each other no matter how hard I tried to move near him or leave my hands reaching out a little. We walked out talking, bought coffee and chocolate and chatted with some other guys from the next class.

We sat together again in class and he sometimes turned to me and asked something (though a few times I didn't make out what he was saying and he didn't repeat it). I tried my best to smile. At some point he sort of brushed his hand against mine but I'm sure that was accidental. I left my hand near him for a while and he just retracted and kept away. He didn't even turn my way with his shoulders like the other times. We walked out together and he walked with me to take the bus. He lent me his phone so I could call my mum and when I gave it back to him our fingers touched, but again I'll make nothing of it. When a bus I could get on passed by he let me know and after waving him goodbye (I reckon he sort of leaned in for a kiss but I was already walking away from him) I got on the bus. That was it.

I was left wondering why he didn't get on the same bus, he could have (and actually did the time we got on the same bus). So that leaves my embarrassing lack of conversation skills, how nonsensical I am, and how contradictory I am. I don't so much think he doesn't know I like him. Nor am I completely sure he's just not interested. I think I keep giving him reasons to think some more about it before he makes up his mind. At the rate I'm going, he'll decide it's just not worth it. The worst part is, I would actually understand, rather than think of blaming him.

Let's make a quick run down of the stupid things I remember having said today. I said I had a weird memory (twice, for some reason I really needed to drill the point across... how unnecessary). I was amazed by how he can go about not ever needing to jot a thing down on a notebook during class and said I've been unable to do anything like it since school. It would've been ok, I suppose, if it had somehow come across as a compliment, only it didn't. I meant to ask about his weekend, but all I said was ask if he had a good weekend and then said I didn't really have mine (for the record I managed to shut myself up and say nothing about the cooking, I'm not sure I let him talk, but I didn't make it about me all that much). I talked about how drunk people don't hurt themselves when they fall, and how cats do the same thing (only I kind of pressed the point too... you'd think I could help myself, but I can't). There was also talk about my parents' phone bills and how they get charged for all the spam messages. And I mentioned something I realise only now is completely stupid: how I don't get on the white and red buses because I get the impression that they're the most reckless drivers.

He doesn't know I don't care about my family.

Or that I'm a snob even though I can't afford it.

He doesn't know I'm in favour of women having a right to abortions but would rather go for abstinence myself than end a baby's life if I knew I could've kept from starting it.

I'm also in favour of euthanasia as long as I'm not the one making the decision over someone I love (i.e. my little one).

For that matter, he doesn't know (and probably wouldn't understand) that I value many animals' lives above human lives.

He wouldn't know I sometimes agree with him more than I actually show because something drives me to try and start an argument for the sake of argument.

He doesn't know I place all my "love" and "care" eggs in very few baskets.

He doesn't know I'm very selfish and yet would be all about pleasing him if we were together.

He doesn't know about my gift philosophy.

He wouldn't know I like debating and will sometimes argue just for the sake of argument.

He's got no way of knowing I like so many different kinds of music and films.

He doesn't know I'm a creature of habit and that yet I sometimes go with hunches and stupid impulses.

He probably doesn't know I'm very proud and stubborn and will go down with a faulty argument just because it's mine.

He wouldn't know I'm a hopeless romantic who's awfully pragmatic when I'm not the one involved.

He doesn't know I'm obsessed with smells and I think he smells like sweet, freshly mown grass.

He doesn't know I'm aware of the fact that I'll end up a schizophrenic with diabetes, heart and brain failures and already embrace that future.

He wouldn't understand when I say I think my parents are morons and I can't be bothered to respect them. Nor when I say I quite frankly don't really love anyone in my family and don't understand why I'm expected to.

He doesn't know I don't intend to have children, ever.

He doesn't know I'm all for gay rights and love gay people just for being gay as much as some people hate them for the same thing.

He wouldn't understand the way I think karma works.

He'd have to read this blog, and even then I'd only manage to scare him away.


What do you know? There's a song by Green Day. Won't include it here, though, because I'm pretty sure it doesn't quite fit.

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