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Monday, 14 February 2011

I know it's hardly news

I'm such an idiot! You already knew that, right?

I brought a fairly big stash of candy to university today: the two chocolate bars my parents got me for my birthday, my extra bag of kisses, and the two packs of fun dip. I was early for class, and hoping LesMisGuy would be second to come in I left my bag of kisses handy and ate a couple (it would have been a bit evident if I just got them out for him). I offered him one and he stretched out his hand, so our hands touched very briefly while I handed it to him. He has surprisingly soft hands for a guy. Come to think of it, makes sense: he keeps a tiny bottle of sunscreen for his hands (the whole not-having-melanin-on-them thing must make it necessary). The first class was rather uneventful. He was concentrated on his kindle and then his notebook and I didn't want to disrupt him. I remembered a time when I was with D. He'd asked me to come over after school, and we just sat on a bench, not talking. After a while he started playing with matches and it wasn't until he'd burned the whole box's worth (and the box?) that he said I should have stopped him and caught his attention. Really, all I could think was "he doesn't want me here, what the hell am I doing?".

Then we left together, he walked with me to get some markers for my teaching practice tomorrow and we talked, a little. Not an awful lot, really. I did manage to bring up the fact that I had a lot of candy and that some of it was for my birthday which was yesterday and he congratulated me. We joined the others after buying coffee and chocolate and chatted with them for a bit. LesMisGuy spilled his coffee again (not sure if it's weird, but it sure is weird I want to believe it is). I handed him a couple more kisses before the class properly started and we briefly touched hands again. Maybe I'm making it up, but I noticed he was leaning against me a bit, only I was still a few centimeters away. I settled for keeping my position, and taking my sweater off because it wasn't that cold and I was hoping he'd notice how much bigger my breasts look in the shirt I was wearing (I know, vain). When the class was over I packed up, waited a few seconds, noticed he wasn't right behind me, and got out. To time my exit with his I decided not to wear my sweater, but it was cold out, so I stood by the door and put it on. I was first out of the classroom. I wouldn't have guessed it, but LesMisGuy was second.

I only managed to see his shoes and figured it was some other guy, so I started walking to the bathroom. Just as I started walking he said something and I realised it was actually him. He started walking and I figured he was leaving so I was about to go to the bathroom when he asked if I was going. So I obviously answered, "maybe not... I don't like these bathrooms much, people seem to forget there are non-automatic flushing bathrooms in campus". And we walked out together. I tried to make a remark about how it was light out and I thought it would be sunny but it actually wasn't. And we kept on walking in silence. It was terrible! I kept thinking of what an idiot I was for deciding not to go to the bathroom so I could walk out with him, of what an idiot he must have thought I was for saying I wouldn't go to another bathroom and could hold it until I got here (which, fortunately I could). I thought of what an idiot I was for not taking what might have been his cue for me to let him leave on his own. I was an idiot for not being able to make conversation, and I realised it wasn't all on me, but my awkwardness was accounting for a huge part of the silence as we walked. At times when I crossed the street I thought I'd lost him, but he was still there, even though we were not talking, and I felt like I was supposed to!

Awful! So, when I stopped to call my mum from a street phone it was also awkward when he offered to lend me his phone and I already had the other phone dialing. It was also awkward that I couldn't initially set the phone out of the menu it was in to type in the number. I'm so incredibly clumsy around him! I hate it! I'm not used to it! I made a quick call, and we kept on walking, again in silence. Only he got a call from a guy friend. We crossed the street, and as we stood around the place where he usually waits for a bus I noticed the guy behind me was playing a variation on a part of Tchaikovsky's "Nutcracker" (or possibly something else... my bet's on "The Nutcracker," though). So I made a comment, I said it was Tchaikovsky and he said he wouldn't know a thing about it. I mentioned I grew up with classical music and even made a small remark about how Beethoven and Mozart were something like metal musicians. I'm not sure he got it. He talked to his friend again and agreed to meet him for dinner tonight. I noticed a bus I could get on and walked away, waving him goodbye.

I now know why he didn't get on the same bus as me last time, he gets on a different bus when he's getting home late to walk a safer route once he's off the bus. Right. And dinner on a Monday night? So odd... I wonder if he was out for Valentine's. I had considered to greet him happy Valentine's day or a happy singles awareness day and ask which was appropriate but I completely forgot. That would've cleared the doubt. Right now I'm actually tempted to believe he might be gay, which would be wonderful (you know I love gay guys). I'm always tempted to tell him I like him, get that over with once I get an answer out of him. And then there's the problem of how insanely awkward that would make things. I wish he'd just take the lead and surprise me with a kiss or a hug. I could settle for him asking me out.

For an actual newsflash, my mum's on Skype with my aunts. They're talking about what I'm doing. About what my mum decided I should do (go away for one semester and come back). They're arguing a bit because they evidently don't agree on information neither of them has in full. I love the irony of them asking if it's really what I want and why I'd want to leave so soon or why I'm wondering if I should go at the end of this semester.

Bits I blurted out to LesMisGuy today and fun facts about me: I told LesMisGuy I'm a creature of habit and always get on the same bus. He remarked I'm a paranoid (I know) when I mentioned I always get the same buses and I worry about the few times odd men have gotten out of the bus right after me (ok, maybe just twice). He's so suave about it, you know? The other day when I told him how I try to take a seat next to a window and with a clear view of both doors in case dodgy men got on the bus I'd know it, he remarked it was very silly and that if a guy got on with a gun it would make no difference to know in advance which one it was. I've realised I'm very much an open book around him, I'd be willing to tell him a lot of things. It's weird because I realised it's not particularly hard or easy to earn my trust. I give it out almost randomly to very few people and they're each given an open book with loads of information and a few missing pages. Some pages are missing in all books, some are fuller than others, some things I tell no one. Still, my urge to tell LesMisGuy things about me perplexes me a bit. I'm not sure why, but I seem to want him to know all I can tell him, and then I realise he hasn't really told me an awful lot about himself (or I haven't really listened... like he didn't really listen when I mentioned which buses I take).

I hate that I carry on conversations in my mind and I think of things to say only once it's too late to say them. For instance, when we talked about classical music LesMisGuy mentioned he only knew Wagner (I'd already brought up how heavy Beethoven's and Mozart's music could be). Instead of blurting out something about how I have a very vague (and probably incorrect) notion that Wagner's music is related to wars, I could've gone for something along the lines of "Wagner was friends with Nietzsche...'nuff said!" or even asked about his musical preferences. Very annoying... You see, normally, these would come up in normal conversation and yet for some reason I always get stuck with LesMisGuy, whether it is because my mind goes blank or because I'm too busy thinking of the last stupid thing I did to find a way not to do other stupid things. I hate the fact that I end up planning around things I want to tell him and it ends up being like my kung fu improv, or conversations with D. At some point I actually couldn't decide which was worse if I had to choose between conversations with LesMisGuy and conversations with D. The thing is, whenever a conversation with D ran dry we just made out (which, admittedly, overruled the awkward). Not exactly a good way around the LesMisGuy thing. I'm also worried about real compatibility, the intellectual/cultural one that's a wreck notwithstanding. No way to know about that yet, though.

Back on how I'm a creature of habit, this not knowing what to do, not knowing what to make of anything, not knowing what to say, how to react, or how to make polite conversation... it annoys me, it short circuits me. I know I'm not autistic because I realise enough to torture myself about my utter failure at social interaction, but it's an uncomfortable middle. Cross out my social skills points. I'm down to 0 until further notice.

In case you were left wondering, here's a list of people I've trusted to some degree or other: LesMisGuy, EBF, D, A, N1, R1, AOB. Ok, that's about it. It's not the same as saying I've actually given much away to them, but I've at least considered telling them a lot of things I'd tell no one, which is saying a lot.

[Tuesday 1st of October, 2013 edit]
Perspective. Imagine that. There used to be a label called "people I trust." Seeing how I'm utterly inept at putting people in it who actually deserve it, I'm going to give it another go. (And delete the damned label. It's useless.) Here are the people I find myself trusting, even if I don't trust them with much at any given time: A, SmTn, CtThumbe, AOB. Feeling stupid yet, past me? I'll give you some time alone for that.

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