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Sunday, 27 February 2011

Focus woman!

I've wasted yet another day not studying for functional analysis. To think I woke up at 7am today. This is bad. I've sort of been reading through the text and thinking of some of the exercises, but I know it's nowhere near enough. Especially since I skipped class on Friday. And I'm still covering week 2 material. Fuck. I just can't focus. I keep roaming the internet, looking at the news, at the lack of new tweets, at the guyspeak chat about the Oscars I have no interest in. N1 was online for a bit and I actually wanted to talk to her, about nothing, because it would be a "good" excuse to give up studying. I'd actually be doing something. I spent a good part of last night downloading Philip Glass songs, most of which I'll end up not listening to. I downloaded Philip Glass music because I couldn't focus when I sang to glee covers. And most of the Philip Glass music really is too distracting to be good studying material.

The real problem at hand is me though. I've been daydreaming waaay too much today and I keep coming up with such elaborate fantasies! It's insane. I keep thinking, what if it's none of it worth it and I somehow become famous and have to attend an Academy Awards ceremony. If I got to choose my date, could I ask AOB to be my date? Or LesMisGuy (in a future where we've been together and didn't have a bad break up)? How about if I became good friends with LesMisGuy and I got to call him during boring fancy meetings like that and talk maths with him? What if I had fun with tabloids holding contests where I gave them something outrageous to write stories about and then (once the stories were out) released evidence of how mundane the outrageous situation really was? What would I wear to such fancy events? I wonder what food they serve... What do you suppose they do with all the dresses? I'd auction mine (after a good wash, goodness people can be perverted) and put the money to good use. I don't believe in just handing money over to charity... I'd rather have a more hands-on approach, even if it means I got fewer people I could help and I was a bit of a snob about it.

See? I'm too distracted. I think of functional analysis for a bit and next thing I know I'm thinking of impossible case scenarios where I can ask Chris Colfer to be my date to an event where he can make snide remarks and I'd have to educate myself about pop culture so I could get them. I'm thinking of how I could walk with LesMisGuy for a bit and find a way to not be corny telling him I have a crush on him, because I'm afraid he doesn't know and/or could assume I'm just being friendly. Supposing he's interested. Which there's a good chance he's not. And I wonder if I should get up and get myself something to eat because I realise all I've had is a bowl of cereal and lunch, and a massive glass of powdered milk with a tablespoon or two of chocolate chips in it. So I didn't, and instead gave myself a scrub with baking soda. Because I already gave myself one yesterday and totally didn't need one.

On the plus side I'm almost done with this cold, so I should be plenty less disgusting tomorrow. That's good, right? My breasts are also swollen, which could be a good thing, if the reason they're swollen weren't my period (which is always a bad thing). I've wasted time thinking of what to wear tomorrow, and I haven't really made up my mind. I've decided I want to wear a shirt my aunt gave me, but I seem to be dead set on being able to wear it on its own even if it's cold (which means I won't wear light jackets I'd have to keep on) and I don't want to wear the big black coat. That leaves vests (only I don't like to wear vests) and the big black jacket (which I'm not too fond of, but will most likely have to do because I'm running out of ideas here). I painted my nails (which I totally shouldn't have). I've been thinking of epilating my legs because what gives, and then I think my exam gives and I can't be wasting time like that. Just like I shouldn't be wasting time writing on Blogger. *sigh*

I distract myself thinking of being with LesMisGuy and then I wonder how I'm supposed to get anything done if we got together, so I try and excuse myself: maybe once I know I can just kiss him whenever I won't have to daydream about it so much. Yeah, right... To think I haven't looked through the papers I'm supposed to find copying in so I can tell on the students to the professor. To think I have to arrive early tomorrow to pick up the paper of a young man who (purposefully) took his and forgot to give it back like I told them to, even though I made sure to ask him if he'd put his paper back (because he seemed dodgy in the first place). That means I have to prepare class and study AND wake up extra early to make up for the fact that my mum can't give me a lift anymore now my aunt is back.

Oh... and I really can't fail anything, you know? My parents want me to somehow pull off writing my thesis right now, but I'm not sure I can (I don't know what I'd write about, not to mention I don't know who I'd write it with/for). Even then, I need all my credits next semester to take 3 literature/philosophy classes, differential geometry, thesis work, and teaching practice (which is likely enough, I don't think I'll manage to get a job during the summer vacations). That only just leaves room for me to take topology. Cause there's no way I'll be able to take the exam this semester. Not if they're taking a different approach and I haven't been to the first 3rd of the classes. Not with the smelly Sfer.

That leaves another semester for me to do nothing but work on my thesis (and hopefully get some job). I just can't pull it off any other way. I can't afford to pay any more than just the one subject after next semester, even if I pull off getting a loan for next semester. A good part of that is the fact that my dad will most likely fail (for what? the fourth time already?) the exam he needs to pass so he can get a better salary. And mum's not getting a job any time soon. That leaves me. And I'm not sure I can get a job during the vacations. I'll sure try, but I'm not sure I'll get it. All of this to do, and I can't bring myself to be productive... I'm here stuck not thinking of functional analysis, or even trying to read through the book... I'm such a failure...

It's official

By the looks of it, I'm staying until I get my degree, even if it's a year from now. Can't say my aunt MT bringing up my cousin's advice didn't help.

I thought I'd forgotten

I woke up earlier than I intended today because I left the computer on and CtW IMed me. I thought I'd forgotten my dreams from last night, but all of a sudden I remembered a bit. I was in the apartment high up by the sea where we used to live, and my sister was there. There was a female dog there, she looked like a street dog, quite badly off. She was black and white (nope, not over it) and lay on the floor, quite sick. I was trying to help her out a bit, looking at a rash on her belly not unlike the ones indicating malignant (wrong word choice, the right word's evil) cancer in my little one. I was worried for her. I asked my sister to get me some eye drops, as there was some kind of goo on one of her eyes I dared not just wipe off. While my sister got me something else first and got back to me with the eye drops the dog died. I was broken. I was half hoping I'd get to keep her once I'd managed to nurse her back to health, and I was well aware of the resemblance to my little one. I even had time to think I didn't care much if she wasn't a very pretty dog, I could use the company.

Terrible, isn't it? To make things worse, by the time I realised the dog was dead, I noticed she'd been dead for a while. I just hadn't noticed. Now it's positively disturbing. Oh, and add that to the fact that I woke up to the smell of marigold. I somehow decided when my little one died that it's the smell of death. The reason? The vet recommended we used it on her rash, to ease the itch and the pain, so she smelled like it when she died. She smelled of nothing else then, not even herself. Want to know something sad? I kept the shirt I was wearing that day unwashed, hoping I'd have something to remember her smell by (my parents made sure to clean up my room), and it had no smell at all. No smell!

Saturday, 26 February 2011

Mythology

I had a dream last night I'm tempted to believe belongs in a child's dreamland. It was pretty crazy. For a good part of one dream I was in space, only outer space didn't make us all explode and we were allowed to breathe. I was in some kind of spaceship, only, to be honest, it was more a tiny little island drifting around in space. The floor had a hole in the ground, a rectangular one, and there were no walls, just pillars holding something like a roof.

I got a tour around space and was introduced to gods, different levels of them. There were some gods responsible for individual stars or planets, and some greater gods appointed to whole constellations (Orion comes to mind), and then I got to meet a god of thunder (I'm tempted to say Zeus, but there's a good chance I'm letting greek literature affect my judgement... the different levels are not quite like the ones in greek mythology). This god of thunder used lightning to hit some cables, and the cables short-circuited (part of the circuit, as it was indeed a circuit, was set in parallel, this is the part that blew off... not sure it makes much sense, though).

Also drifting through space, I met some characters who were supposed to belong in the Dragon Ball world. They were... reptilians, to be correct. I'd like to say dinosaurs, but they might as well be dragons, lizards, or pokémon. There were different kinds of these too, but they all had about the same shape to them. Long neck, long tail (or no tail?), four equally long legs... a lot like Little Foot. That's how I described them to my sister anyway, when I tried to explain it in another dream. One of them was an elder reptile, his skin looking almost like it was made of rocks, tiny fires all over his body. There was also a very young and playful one, very smooth skin, blue, with pearls or other spherical jewels to adorn it. And a last one I can't quite remember, one I'm going to guess was red, and somewhere in between the older (greater) one and the young blue one. The blue one had gotten lost, and the middle reptile was looking for it. Eventually, as we stood around the hole in the space island, it showed up and drifted off happily with the middle one, the elder lizard glad everything had been solved.

Then there was another dream, one where I was in university. I'd been asked to go on a day when no one else was showing up, I had to do some Pentagono time. And then my numerical analysis/graph theory professor asked if I could pretty please stay around a bit longer and then show up the next day and do 3-4 hours. I agreed grudgingly. The guy (just some guy, really) who sits next to me during game theory classes was there, as was LesMisGuy. I chatted with them. The first guy had a dog (or some other pet) that was sick and needed taking care of, which had something to do with why I'd been asked to do the Pentagono time, and also with why I completely forgot to go on that day and got stuck doing another hour the day afterwards. LesMisGuy didn't really do a lot in this particular dream. I'm bringing him up because in my dream he had long hair. Ridiculously long (as in, Nooj long) hair, all bundled up at the nape of his neck. I explained myself in the dream that, seeing him up front all the time, I probably just hadn't noticed. I realised when I woke up that LesMisGuy actually cut his hair last week (why on earth do I notice?).

Another dream resembled classes. I was in a class intended for university level students, only a lot of people from school1 were there. I was sitting next to A on a table. The board was full of drawings from the class before ours, I assumed. The drawings depicted games of domino, with some bits erased. The professor asked us to look at the drawings and decide which set (between sets E and M, neither of which makes much sense and I believe I borrowed from functional analysis) the pieces belonged to. When he asked me and A I only just managed to say something not too idiotic. A got her answer right. Then I got on a swing, one with very long ropes holding it (the ceiling in the room must have been at the level of a 4th-5th story) and started swinging, just for fun. It mildly annoyed our professor, but he said nothing. The class was one about combinatorics, and later when we got out and hung out around a balcony with pots and plants in it at night, the professor asked me if I was into analysis. He believed I had a knack for it. I said I much preferred sets and maths of the at most countable kind. He also made some reference to AOB, who was supposed to be in class but hadn't showed up.

Next thing I know, the balcony we're in links to a church over at the far left (if I looked away from the balcony). There was mass, and a huge congregation was there. They had a special guest, some woman who wanted to give them some kind of warning. A and I saw her with some papers, getting ready to go in. Her situation was very peculiar. You know how Virgin Mary is supposed to be the forgiving one in catholic beliefs? It's what I've been taught, anyway. God punishes, God gets angry. When you need forgiveness you turn to Mary. Well, in my dream Mary was allowed to get mad at random people for no good reason and she even cursed them, sort of. This woman in particular had been cursed and I can't remember how exactly, because it wasn't through some deformation or straight out pain, but she was miserable. She was there to ask the congregation to pray with her, to pray to Virgin Mary. Not that it would make this woman that much less miserable, though. There was something odd to it. They had to pray to Mary, even though it would probably be to no avail. They still had to do it. Just very peculiar.

That's about it, I believe. Rather insane. I missed these nonsensical dreams.

Friday, 25 February 2011

Focus!

No can do, and the cold doesn't help. I let my mum talk me into staying home instead of breaking through the downpour to show up for functional analysis, which I may or may not regret, since I didn't really study even half as much as I was hoping to and I didn't man up and ask Srq to help me study (I'd be willing to pay an hour fee or buy him lunch or something... he really seems to get the hang of this sort of thing). All day today I've been laying in bed, doing nothing... nothing productive, at any rate. I have, indeed, continued to shoot sputum and mucus like nobody's business. I have also downloaded a whole new 30 glee songs for my glee playlist (Dot Marie Jones, you're awesome...). That being said, I've wasted a lot of time. Among other things, I went and read through glee recaps because I've already watched all episodes and liked the commentary included in the EW recaps. Which led to reading about Cory Monteith's tiny pursed lips. Which led to thinking of LesMisGuy's awesome lips and how much I'd like to kiss them as soon as I'm done being a disgusting snot blob. And I've been stuck on that thought for a while now. I just picture us seating next to each other in an otherwise empty classroom, talking about whatever, and then he takes the lead and kisses me, and we both smile, and it's wonderful (which probably has a lot to do with the fact that it's all in my head).

Not that I'd mind being the one to take the lead, but for some reason I see him as a somewhat conservative kind of guy, the one who'd like to "bring home the bacon" and be the one to take the lead.

On other news though, I don't know if I'm way out of my league. I don't even know if I remember writing yesterday... I probably did... right... haze... Anyway, LesMisGuy was writing paper about his thesis and mentioned he might be going away to Italy or China. Hopefully not too soon. He's not even waiting to learn italian or chinese first, he said he'll manage pointing at things if he needs anything important and will handle the rest with his (apparently not that good) English. It would really suck if I chose to stay so I could be with him and he ended up leaving. And... I'm in ahead of myself... All because I can't stop imagining his soft lips...

Thursday, 24 February 2011

Can we just skip to the part where I'm not sick?

I'm sick of being sick, and that's considering I didn't do as bad today as I did yesterday (bastard cold!). *tries to sigh... unsuccessfully* All things considered, I got a few smiles today, so it's good to know the world, in spite of my lungs' best efforts, isn't such a terrible place. Number one? As I sat on the floor after literature class, waiting for A to call so we could have lunch, LesMisGuy walked by and greeted me. We chatted a tiny bit and then he sat down nearby with some friend of his and they talked while I worked on the solution for the calculus partial exams my students seem to have failed. I don't even want to think of all the work I'll go through trying to find all attempted copying, but I can't let them get away with it so... Also a smile? When I was at the department's offices (a bit more on that in a bit) SweetGuy passed by and said hi with his lovely smile. Good to brighten up my day, any time. For minor smiles, I caught LesMisGuy glancing my way a few times during the seminar and I even managed to glance back, which made him look away immediately. Except for the one time where he looked away, I looked away and then he looked back and I didn't manage to respond to that. I had a half smile on my face.

I know it's likely enough to be meaningless. Especially because I've quite made up my mind about the fact that I am mental. I don't know why, but I kept worrying, "what if LesMisGuy's gay?" today. For no good reason. I just wondered. When I was staring into space at the French speaker at today's colloquium and did my best not to fall asleep accidentally on purpose on LesMisGuys (awesome) arm/shoulder. Right... And then when we left I lost sight of him because deliberately got out quite a bit after me.

On to more important news then. I made a few inquiries today. It seems like I could, if I really don't look forward to having a moment to breathe, pull off getting my thesis together by the end of next semester so I can get my degree ASAP. That would mean staying behind for another semester. Not exactly a bad deal, when you consider I'm stuck taking loans here or there and all that changes is how good a chance I have to pay them back quickly. If I go, I'll get a job more easily, and then again I'm unlikely to get a good enough job before I start studying for my master's degree, so there's that. If I stay here I can pay one measly tenth of a semester doing my teaching practice next semester and that would leave just the thesis to work on during an extra semester. That leaves talking to my parents. And my uncle and my aunt and my cousin. You know, the gang. Awesome. I'm not even sure it can work out, but I probably need to get the papers for a next loan going so I'll get it on time.

On the sensible side it's really probably for the best, considering my uncle and cousins seem to agree I'd better get my Bachelor's degree first. On the nonsensical side, all I can think of is "more time around LesMisGuy... *elmo yay*". If I manage, you know. Right... That's that, I think.

Oh no, one more thing. Just to clear off any doubts, it seems I'll be taking a month off the birth control pills. I'll know for sure about LesMisGuy I think. Just because I can't seem to get it out of my head, yesterday's and today's soundtrack "They both reached for the gun" as sung in Chicago.


Wednesday, 23 February 2011

I *hate* colds

I've got a cold. It started as a dry cough all of a sudden on Monday morning, and since then it's been getting worse. I've made up my mind: it's impossible to bear a cough with dignity.

I got to class today trying to keep my composure, trying to cough as little and as quietly as possible during class. I managed allright during the first class. LesMisGuy was a little late. When he came in he just sat without saying hi. I was (still am) too self-conscious about the cold. I tried to act dignified, and it wasn't so bad because I managed to hold back the coughing fits quite well. When the class was over LesMisGuy made sure to take extra time to get out after me, so I didn't bother waiting for him. I took my chance to go pee and cough half a lung out. I arrived at the other classroom and chatted with ExamGuy for a bit. Srq was there too but he was chatting with someone else so we didn't really talk. When I felt awkward standing there saying nothing I took a seat inside. LesMisGuy sat next to me (I suppose he could've sat elsewhere, only he didn't). I offered him some gobstoppers and mentioned how I had a cold and must be very contagious. He was nice (and really, that's all it was, I think) and said it was allright.

When the class hit the half hour mark I couldn't hold back the coughing. I did my best to cough quietly, and to time it so I didn't interrupt the class, but when will power availed me my body gave in anyway and I started retching even before I coughed. It was a lost battle: when I managed not to cough for long periods of time I could feel the sputum gargling as I breathed, and then when I couldn't hold the cough back anymore it was especially disgusting. That's not to mention the snot breathing, the phlegm breath, sore throat, headaches, and pain in my abs (I don't work out, coughing is as bad as crunches). I almost prefer menstrual cramps when they're not of the "puke your guts out" kind. I can take quite a lot of pain with some degree of dignity. The cold? Most certainly not. By the time I got out of class I got out in a hurry after figuring LesMisGuy wouldn't want to talk about the game theory homework like he'd hinted at the beginning of the class. I would totally understand if he was disgusted by the cold. I was disgusted by the cold and wouldn't have bothered showing up for class at all if I didn't realise I'm that much more likely to fail the two subjects I showed up for.

Oh... let this just be over with already! I've been drinking massive amounts of passion fruit juice (replacing the usual lemonade). I want some dignity back! I want to be able to talk to LesMisGuy with some sense of self-worth to replace the need to retreat and curl up into a tiny ball in fetal position. I feel like a dog, wanting to hide away when sick to hide its weakness...

Monday, 21 February 2011

I'm sure I'm blowing this out of proportion

Got to university, arranged the tables (it was getting on my nerves that they wouldn't set the tables straight, and took a seat. CartoonishGuy came in, toyed with the window panes, tried making conversation (and even tried his awful British English), I tried to be polite, and settled for trying to go on grading papers. LesMisGuy arrived a while later. I waved, he kissed me, and he took a seat next to me. It was a little funny, I think. He seemed determined to kiss me, which is kind of funny. I wouldn't object. I like it when he kisses me, I just let the reflex of waving override that. I'd say the coffee and milkshake (it was hot out today) were uneventful except for one thing. As we walked to the queue he ran into a girl he knew. He greeted her wrapping his arm around her neck. I figured I was a third wheel and made my way to the line. I felt uncomfortable. I sort of ran out mid-conversation, but there was no room for me there with the warm welcome and all. When the second class was over, instead of just walking out LesMisGuy kissed me again. I suppose he could've just said goodbye from the door, so I suppose it's worthy of note? I'm sure I'm blowing this out of proportion... you know why? I spent almost two hours (today's tedious bus ride) thinking of how awesome it would be if he insisted on kissing me to greet me and one day surprised me with a real kiss as he pulled back from the "air kiss". I'm letting my mind wander and I've got papers to grade... and yet another class to prepare about partial fractions (that makes it two weeks straight on the subject, ridiculous). Oh yes, and a game theory homework.

Tiny fun fact: ExamGuy called last night asking about when the game theory homework is due. Kind of weird. Not 100% sure where he got my number, but I'm 100% sure I was awkward (it took a while to process his name on my phone before picking up, and then his voice as I still put the information together, and trying to answer politely to his greeting).

Still dreaming about puppies, it's just getting really bizarre

I'm not sure if I forgot to mention some dream I had yesterday, or the day before, where there was a puppy version of my little one. Again, we were strangers. It's only striking me as odd now, that such a dream keeps recurring... I don't usually have such similar dreams strung together.

Anyway, my dreams last night were just insane. I was in my room with A and one of those worms you'd find in school1: emerald green on the sides, orange on top, disgusting all over. Somehow, through magic, the worm was turned into a puppy, and that puppy morphed around between pig and dog shapes, running around and even climbing through walls. It was strange, I was disgusted by the creature, no matter how cute it looked, because I knew it was a worm in disguise. After running around for a bit A and I decided to take it to the back yard. It peed in female pig form (only I'm pretty sure only dogs pee like that), and then came back in. Next thing I know we're trying to get it to stay out and trying to lock the door. A locked it with a lot of locks the door doesn't actually have, and then I noticed the worm had turned into a black dog, a daschund. It was really hot outside. I started to worry we might kill the dog, so I went inside, filled a bowl with water and loads of ice, and left it outside. Not sure if there was more to this dream in particular.

There was another dream, one where I was out in the countryside with some family members. There was a circus tent and I'm not too sure about it now, but I half remember we were escaping. Something bad went off in that circus and we were running away in cars. That's all I can make out now.

Sunday, 20 February 2011

One and a half dinners later, still feeling petty

So, I was out for dinner with A and her cousin. Midway through my parents called: they'd forgotten there was a family meeting at my uncle's to bid my cousin farewell before she moves out of the country. I paid more than I rightfully should have when the time came to split the bill, paid for a cab, and got stuck at the family reunion where those ill-called friends of my uncles happened to be, and where my dad was getting as drunk as the little time he spent there would allow. Brilliant. I was stuffed and I couldn't even bother much with conversation. Right. We just got back.

I'm taking the extra effort to be pissed at the fact that I have to wake up early tomorrow because we're hosting a family brunch and there's a lot to prepare. I also bother because I had to set it on record somewhere. A's last Christmas and birthday gifts are crap. Shit, I'm not even going to say I expected more expensive gifts (which, incidentally, she can afford). You want to know what I got? For Christmas she got me some calendar thing. Basically it's just 12 cardboard cuttings of owls with months and numbers printed on their bellies. Estimated worth? About a quarter of what she spends on a regular weekend out and maybe 5min of thought. Today's gift? Two boxes of gobstoppers, and a hand-me-down gift from her polish aunt, some odd thing you're supposed to put stuff like pens or toothbrushes in. Estimated worth? Whatever two boxes of gobstoppers cost, which would be roughly enough for 2 days' worth of bus rides, and another 5min to consider "oh yeah, she likes candy" and "let's just throw this shit in too".

I can't say I've cared much what gifts I'm given, not since I was 5-6 and got mad at girls for bringing me Barbie backpacks for my birthday. I've thought of how crappy it is to get gifts like photo frames and even commented on how impersonal I find money/equivalents. I know I try to give good gifts, thoughtful ones if not expensive ones when I can think of something. I also know I don't expect others to give me particularly good gifts. I still gotta say, A's gifts are crap. It's not that she could afford better gifts (like hell, I don't know, more candy). It's not just that. It's the fact that so fucking little thought went into them. She basically just gave me shit she had lying around, and in particular a hand-me-down gift of something I have no fucking use for. What am I supposed to do with some thing that's supposed to hold things only it has such an odd shape it can only hold things as thin as pens or toothbrushes? I don't use my desk. I never store my pens anywhere other than in my bag (not even in a fucking pencil case). And what about the calendar? When do I use calendars? Why would I look at one? All I could need to know can be found in my phone and my computer.

I am most certainly not impressed. I don't even know what to get her now. I really just don't. I mean, I have a few ideas. I know she likes books, so I could just get her a pretty book for her to write stuff on with very nice smooth papers. I just happen to also know it would be fairly stupid to give her a good gift like that. I'll be stuck feeling like that odd time when I got D a wallet for his birthday. A wallet he needed because his old one was in tatters. A wallet he used for at least 3 years. Why the fuck do I even notice? Why bother at all?... What a waste...

Saturday, 19 February 2011

Isn't it exciting?

Read that title above in a sarcastic tone, I'm feeling petty. So... my excuse to wear the girly blouse? I'm going out for dinner with A and her cousin. AOB texted a while ago, he can't make it (he's exhausted from waiting on sick people). A's with her cousin at the cinema right now, that's why her cousin is coming for dinner too. Never mind AOB, I understand he's tired so I won't hold it against him. I just didn't feel like texting back just now to say it's totally cool because it sort of isn't. What's actually not cool is that I'm stuck pretending to have a social life I don't actually have, wasting money to keep up too. My parents and my sister have been asking about EBF, I suppose they assume I'd get together with him, only I won't, and I wouldn't. That leaves... well, you know... nothing until I go away, which probably won't change a damned thing. Lovely.

Friday, 18 February 2011

Today's bus ride

It was surprisingly short, considering it was a Friday night at 6pm, but was made particularly long by a ranting old man preaching politics (want to guess his favourite president?). He was just screaming things at some poor man seating next to him, heroically being polite about stating his non-agreeing opinion. Admirable, I would've stopped caring after a bit if the old man got a heart attack from being contradicted.

Nope, not done yet

Had a dream about my little one. Again. She snuggled up at my side. Also in my dreams, a bed being set outside by the stores around the corner and a film my obnoxious little cousin was in.

Thursday, 17 February 2011

Anxious for no particular reason

I have this feeling again, that of being constantly waiting for something to happen. I'd given it a name in another post, I just can't remember it. There, found it: "actively waiting". I like that term.

I'm actively waiting, and I don't really know what for. I'm well aware of the fact that quite a few things should be taking place by my doing, rather than me waiting around for things to just happen. Studying for functional analysis, measure theory, game theory, grading papers, getting USF syllabuses, telling LesMisGuy I like him... I should be doing things and right now I'm just jittery, typing random addresses on the chrome bar, hoping something significant will have changed by the time I'm done refreshing pages. Nothing much in the news, except that maybe the stupid strike will be over which will do sod all to help the city's traffic. Nothing much on youtube, blogger, guyspeak, emandlo, CRACKED, or any of the failblog pages. I think it's particularly stagnant times that get me jittery, only my reflexes are all wrong because I want things to happen without actually making them happen. So silly...

For one, A just asked if we're going out for dinner this weekend. I said we are because I need an excuse to wear my girly blouse. I'm going, she can join, I'll tell AOB, and the others can come with if they bother answering my facebook messages. I don't really care much if they show up. I could call them and make sure they do, but why bother? Then there's grading the papers. I could've been grading papers when I was next to LesMisGuy during the colloquium today. We could've quietly kept up some form of conversation. And yet no, I kept to myself and so did he. If he's not aware of the fact that I have a crush on him it will surely be because I've been doing little other than confuse him. I should be doing something instead of wishing I could be with him and waiting for him to take the lead. He's about as shy as I am and is too reasonable to understand I actually want him near me. I really need to get the papers graded... It will be a nightmare and I just don't know when I'll get that over with. Right... I'm sleepy, and I didn't study for functional analysis, at all. Let's hope mum doesn't feel like making me waste my time tomorrow if I wake up relatively early.

Habit

I'm writing out of habit, mostly. There are a few things I've been neglecting to write. Maybe just the two, we'll see. Thing number one is a guy I'm in class with. He's getting his Master's degree and is a perfect cartoon (think fat comic guy in the Simpsons). He's a nerd, he's fat, he always wears a fanny pack, he has an (undeserved) sense of superiority, he does his best to prove professors wrong if he can hold on to tiny details, and will often stare at me (which is really just very uncomfortable). Overall, and in spite of my cartoonish description, he's actually a nice guy. One thing though (besides the staring): he blows his nose indiscriminately during class and even colloquiums. I can only describe my dread as the blue screen used in manga comics with the wavy bits. I freeze and think nothing for a while, horrified. Awful.

That's that. On to the other thing I've been neglecting. Again on the paranoia, so don't bother thinking you won't find it here. AOB called yesterday asking me for the bright guy who's doing maths and programming. Thing is, there's at least two guys I might've mentioned to AOB by that description. One of them's a very bright programmer who's no longer bothering with maths, working on his Master's degree. The other is LesMisGuy. I don't even know if I mentioned LesMisGuy as being a bright mathematician/programmer. Right.

So, I thought it was kind of odd when AOB asked for "that guy"'s help in particular. My mind wanders and I end up thinking up the most ridiculous things. Here's the ridiculous thing at hand: I figured AOB might somehow be trying to get to meet LesMisGuy (he's smart, he can put two and two together). If I'm twisted (and plenty paranoid), he might be trying to assess LesMisGuy and judge him. Silly, I know. Anyway, I told AOB I'd talk to a few people and find out who might be interested. It may have been naïve (if we're going with the conspiracy theory), but not all maths/programming guys would be into applications to biology, so it was kind of a long shot (and actually, the guy getting his Master's degree in programming would be the best choice). Now, LesMisGuy didn't show up for class yesterday (bummer!... then again, I wasn't exactly looking my best so I was kind of glad). He did, however, show up for game theory today.

I said hi when I walked out to the bathroom to wash my hands (pen stains from teaching practice). And then later, when I was about to go into the room for the literature class (and partial exam) I saw him. I walked past him (I felt that uncomfortable anxiety rush and then an urge to hide from him, not unlike it was with D). I thought to myself what an idiot I am. Then as I stood by the door waiting for students to come out of the classroom I was supposed to be in, LesMisGuy stood next to me and said hi. We chatted for a bit (I'll even admit it was a tiny bit less awkward than usual) and I ended up bringing up AOB needing help. LesMisGuy volunteered. (Is it wrong that I thought that was hot? I've got most wires all fucked up...) When he had to go to babysit for the calculus exam he almost leaned in for a kiss, but I waved and he just smiled. I fucked up, didn't I? *sigh* Now I'm wondering, wouldn't it be weird if the two met?

Just to follow up on the chronological order up there, I tried to time my exit (I even stalled in the bathroom for a bit) so I'd be out with LesMisGuy (who was babysitting during a partial exam, right nextdoor), but I missed him. I just went to talk to the professor teaching calculus for my students instead and now I'm starving myself a little, wondering if I should bother to go out to the cold (and very likely rain) for food. I definitely must get a cup of coffee before the colloquium though (yes, I'm thinking of LesMisGuy and how much he likes coffee... no need to say it, I know I'm pathetic).

That's it, for the time being. I could go petty talking about how Gb can't make it this weekend for dinner out, and R1 and L1 haven't gotten back to me yet (even though they could totes answer a freaking facebook message). I won't. I'm going out with A (and if he can make it AOB), and I'm wearing the frilly, girly, embroidered shirt, and I'm having fun with makeup. Yes: I'm using vanity to trump friends (I don't really have). Never mind that. I've got work to do.

On another note, you know what's weird? When I've been stuck grading stuff before I'm an ogre. I thought I'd be a real bitch during teaching practice and you know what? Turns out I've turned into a momma for these kids. I suppose it doesn't hurt that there's quite a few of them which are just plain nice (and that one of them's a nerdy mathematician). I'm actually going out of my way to help these kids out, writing latex files for them to study from. It's kind of funny.

Oh, just one more thing: yesterday's soundtrack was "Valerie" (of course, a glee cover) 




and "Rehab" (no idea why, I should be hating it already with my sister blasting out only the No, No NO bits from her room).




A small edit, doesn't matter much what time it is now. A few things. First, I forgot to mention I decided to answer EBF's facebook greeting (because that's what you do, you at least say thanks in person) and left him a link so he'd find Pandora, hoping I'll be right about how he'll fall in love with her. Haven't heard from him. Second, all I had for lunch was an arepa and a latte. When I went to buy the arepa I sort of ran into Dx (ok, I may have noticed him and decided to ignore him, but then he said hi and I got stuck with him). It was fucking creepy. His cheeks were full of acne scars and cuts. Criss-cross cuts too, not the kind you'd get from a cat, but rather precise cuts forming a grid. I chatted with him for a bit while the ladies at the cafeteria cooked my arepa, but I got the hell away without so much as a "see ya" as soon as it was handed to me. I sat on a table and ate it.

When I walked into the room we were having the colloquium in LesMisGuy was already there in a seat next to the one I usually take (mine had his bag and I didn't feel like lifting it, so I sat on his other side). He was solving the calculus exam (factorizing degree 3 polynomials without writing a thing... hot!) and had a stack of exam papers to grade. He does this thing where, when he's focused on something, he'll lean his head really close to the paper/table and he'll shut out to the rest of the world. Makes me uncomfortable. We chatter a bit, and he even tried to "include me" in his calculations, but you can only make so much out of mumbled mathematical gibberish. When the colloquium actually started I settled for playing spider on my computer while LesMisGuy solved the rest of the exam. I just played. He looked my way a few times, but I didn't really dare to look back, because when I looked his way he was so absorbed in calculations, and later on his kindle. Sometimes he put his elbow far out and all I could think of was leaning on his shoulder. I was hormone silly, and all I could do was try and have our shoes touch.

Then he left, and I got out right after him, and he stood outside the classroom for a bit, so I tried to fumble looking for my umbrella before I got out and even considered offering to walk with him (maybe he didn't have an umbrella with him), but he was making a call and that's a "no" for me, so I just walked out. It took almost an hour to realise I didn't even ask why he didn't show up for class yesterday. You'd think that sort of thing could've come up in conversation easily, but noooo. Not when I'm the one trying to have a conversation with him because I'm too stupified (misspelt on purpose, mind you) to even bring up proper subjects I plan in advance. I don't suppose I'll see him until Monday, maybe. I'm starting to consider writing him a tiny letter.

Dear Gorgeous,

I'm writing this hoping it will flatter you, rather than make you awkward. So please try to be flattered. I have a crush on you. When I asked you out I was hoping we'd be able to go out on a date or something and I figured your failure to bring up the subject is actually a "no". Just to be sure, though, I wanted to check. If there's any chance that we might work out, I'd really like to take it while I can. Going away puts this on a time limit. If you're taken, gay, or not interested, please don't mind this message. If you're interested, then by all means tell me.

Clearly yours,


linaThumbe

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

SweetGuy....! and .... Goodness!!!

First news first, SweetGuy is sweet, you already knew that. I was a tiny bit early for class and he sat next to me for a while and we chitchatted a bit. Then some friend of his walked by and they started talking, so I tried my best to work on the problems we were supposed to prepare for the class, but couldn't help hearing a thing or two. They talked about some party where SweetGuy's dad got very drunk, and you know what he said? SweetGuy said his dad was glad to have the straight son he'd always wished for, and then compared himself to his brother and how well his brother does travelling a lot and earning lots of money from different jobs. Of all people! SweetGuy feels under-accomplished! He's one of the nicest people alive, smart as very few, a good student, loving friend, and not unfortunate looking. I just wanted to say "you're wonderful! I love you!" and give him a hug, you know? Not that it would help at all or even be appropriate. I just couldn't bear how unfair it was.

On other news, some breaking news about the neighbourhood: 5 guys with weapons got into the house of the lady who died from cancer, only just a few hours ago. They tied up the lady's son as well as the watchman and they took everything they could. The neighbours are outside and so is the police. I could go on and on about how fucktarded the police is, and how they've done nothing to prevent thefts around these parts even though they know lots of thieves get in through the swamp and marshes. What's worse, the street lights leading here along the ugliest stretch of non-constructed areas are often off at night, which is just the city helping out thieves shamelessly. I won't, I've got soup and it's getting cold.

Just so this doesn't end on such a terrible note, a paranoid one. Both the game theory and the functional analysis professors seemed a bit fixated on me during class. The game theory professor suddenly noticed me and started talking to me about nothing in particular, so I did my best to be polite about making sure he shut up. As for the functional analysis professor, I seem to be the only girl he calls out at all, which is either worrying because he notices me as a girl (paranoia!) or because he realises I'm understanding so little and just putting on my best poker face. Doesn't quite explain why he asked me if I was tired and wanted the class to be over on time or would have him finish the proof he was working on. Right.

sooo

(I'm paraphrasing)

EBF sent me a facebook birthday greeting. Couple of days late, not that I care much. It was just so surprisingly blah. He says he's just managed to use facebook (I wouldn't know if he's been online, but I figure maybe he was online and could have left an IM?). He wishes I had fun. I know I couldn't (too) reasonably assume he wasn't going to send some form of message, I still wish he hadn't bothered. For the most part I suppose I'm just disappointed, much like I'm disappointed when we talk. That's probably it. I was going to wait it out (I noticed the e-mail notification a while ago) until I was done with my functional analysis homework, but I couldn't resist the curiosity. In my twisted mind I figured, maybe there will be some form of life to this message of his, maybe he'll ask about me or something. I imagined I could've just led him here (once I made the blog public again) and have him read the news I still don't want to tell him.

On odd thoughts nonrelated, I remembered Waking Life and the theory that once information is out in the world people can somehow just reach out and grab it. It would sort of justify my paranoia about this blog, once I've written it down (even if it's visible only to me) I fear others could somehow know or guess at what I'm saying here. Not that people would want to know... just saying...

Monday, 14 February 2011

I know it's hardly news

I'm such an idiot! You already knew that, right?

I brought a fairly big stash of candy to university today: the two chocolate bars my parents got me for my birthday, my extra bag of kisses, and the two packs of fun dip. I was early for class, and hoping LesMisGuy would be second to come in I left my bag of kisses handy and ate a couple (it would have been a bit evident if I just got them out for him). I offered him one and he stretched out his hand, so our hands touched very briefly while I handed it to him. He has surprisingly soft hands for a guy. Come to think of it, makes sense: he keeps a tiny bottle of sunscreen for his hands (the whole not-having-melanin-on-them thing must make it necessary). The first class was rather uneventful. He was concentrated on his kindle and then his notebook and I didn't want to disrupt him. I remembered a time when I was with D. He'd asked me to come over after school, and we just sat on a bench, not talking. After a while he started playing with matches and it wasn't until he'd burned the whole box's worth (and the box?) that he said I should have stopped him and caught his attention. Really, all I could think was "he doesn't want me here, what the hell am I doing?".

Then we left together, he walked with me to get some markers for my teaching practice tomorrow and we talked, a little. Not an awful lot, really. I did manage to bring up the fact that I had a lot of candy and that some of it was for my birthday which was yesterday and he congratulated me. We joined the others after buying coffee and chocolate and chatted with them for a bit. LesMisGuy spilled his coffee again (not sure if it's weird, but it sure is weird I want to believe it is). I handed him a couple more kisses before the class properly started and we briefly touched hands again. Maybe I'm making it up, but I noticed he was leaning against me a bit, only I was still a few centimeters away. I settled for keeping my position, and taking my sweater off because it wasn't that cold and I was hoping he'd notice how much bigger my breasts look in the shirt I was wearing (I know, vain). When the class was over I packed up, waited a few seconds, noticed he wasn't right behind me, and got out. To time my exit with his I decided not to wear my sweater, but it was cold out, so I stood by the door and put it on. I was first out of the classroom. I wouldn't have guessed it, but LesMisGuy was second.

I only managed to see his shoes and figured it was some other guy, so I started walking to the bathroom. Just as I started walking he said something and I realised it was actually him. He started walking and I figured he was leaving so I was about to go to the bathroom when he asked if I was going. So I obviously answered, "maybe not... I don't like these bathrooms much, people seem to forget there are non-automatic flushing bathrooms in campus". And we walked out together. I tried to make a remark about how it was light out and I thought it would be sunny but it actually wasn't. And we kept on walking in silence. It was terrible! I kept thinking of what an idiot I was for deciding not to go to the bathroom so I could walk out with him, of what an idiot he must have thought I was for saying I wouldn't go to another bathroom and could hold it until I got here (which, fortunately I could). I thought of what an idiot I was for not taking what might have been his cue for me to let him leave on his own. I was an idiot for not being able to make conversation, and I realised it wasn't all on me, but my awkwardness was accounting for a huge part of the silence as we walked. At times when I crossed the street I thought I'd lost him, but he was still there, even though we were not talking, and I felt like I was supposed to!

Awful! So, when I stopped to call my mum from a street phone it was also awkward when he offered to lend me his phone and I already had the other phone dialing. It was also awkward that I couldn't initially set the phone out of the menu it was in to type in the number. I'm so incredibly clumsy around him! I hate it! I'm not used to it! I made a quick call, and we kept on walking, again in silence. Only he got a call from a guy friend. We crossed the street, and as we stood around the place where he usually waits for a bus I noticed the guy behind me was playing a variation on a part of Tchaikovsky's "Nutcracker" (or possibly something else... my bet's on "The Nutcracker," though). So I made a comment, I said it was Tchaikovsky and he said he wouldn't know a thing about it. I mentioned I grew up with classical music and even made a small remark about how Beethoven and Mozart were something like metal musicians. I'm not sure he got it. He talked to his friend again and agreed to meet him for dinner tonight. I noticed a bus I could get on and walked away, waving him goodbye.

I now know why he didn't get on the same bus as me last time, he gets on a different bus when he's getting home late to walk a safer route once he's off the bus. Right. And dinner on a Monday night? So odd... I wonder if he was out for Valentine's. I had considered to greet him happy Valentine's day or a happy singles awareness day and ask which was appropriate but I completely forgot. That would've cleared the doubt. Right now I'm actually tempted to believe he might be gay, which would be wonderful (you know I love gay guys). I'm always tempted to tell him I like him, get that over with once I get an answer out of him. And then there's the problem of how insanely awkward that would make things. I wish he'd just take the lead and surprise me with a kiss or a hug. I could settle for him asking me out.

For an actual newsflash, my mum's on Skype with my aunts. They're talking about what I'm doing. About what my mum decided I should do (go away for one semester and come back). They're arguing a bit because they evidently don't agree on information neither of them has in full. I love the irony of them asking if it's really what I want and why I'd want to leave so soon or why I'm wondering if I should go at the end of this semester.

Bits I blurted out to LesMisGuy today and fun facts about me: I told LesMisGuy I'm a creature of habit and always get on the same bus. He remarked I'm a paranoid (I know) when I mentioned I always get the same buses and I worry about the few times odd men have gotten out of the bus right after me (ok, maybe just twice). He's so suave about it, you know? The other day when I told him how I try to take a seat next to a window and with a clear view of both doors in case dodgy men got on the bus I'd know it, he remarked it was very silly and that if a guy got on with a gun it would make no difference to know in advance which one it was. I've realised I'm very much an open book around him, I'd be willing to tell him a lot of things. It's weird because I realised it's not particularly hard or easy to earn my trust. I give it out almost randomly to very few people and they're each given an open book with loads of information and a few missing pages. Some pages are missing in all books, some are fuller than others, some things I tell no one. Still, my urge to tell LesMisGuy things about me perplexes me a bit. I'm not sure why, but I seem to want him to know all I can tell him, and then I realise he hasn't really told me an awful lot about himself (or I haven't really listened... like he didn't really listen when I mentioned which buses I take).

I hate that I carry on conversations in my mind and I think of things to say only once it's too late to say them. For instance, when we talked about classical music LesMisGuy mentioned he only knew Wagner (I'd already brought up how heavy Beethoven's and Mozart's music could be). Instead of blurting out something about how I have a very vague (and probably incorrect) notion that Wagner's music is related to wars, I could've gone for something along the lines of "Wagner was friends with Nietzsche...'nuff said!" or even asked about his musical preferences. Very annoying... You see, normally, these would come up in normal conversation and yet for some reason I always get stuck with LesMisGuy, whether it is because my mind goes blank or because I'm too busy thinking of the last stupid thing I did to find a way not to do other stupid things. I hate the fact that I end up planning around things I want to tell him and it ends up being like my kung fu improv, or conversations with D. At some point I actually couldn't decide which was worse if I had to choose between conversations with LesMisGuy and conversations with D. The thing is, whenever a conversation with D ran dry we just made out (which, admittedly, overruled the awkward). Not exactly a good way around the LesMisGuy thing. I'm also worried about real compatibility, the intellectual/cultural one that's a wreck notwithstanding. No way to know about that yet, though.

Back on how I'm a creature of habit, this not knowing what to do, not knowing what to make of anything, not knowing what to say, how to react, or how to make polite conversation... it annoys me, it short circuits me. I know I'm not autistic because I realise enough to torture myself about my utter failure at social interaction, but it's an uncomfortable middle. Cross out my social skills points. I'm down to 0 until further notice.

In case you were left wondering, here's a list of people I've trusted to some degree or other: LesMisGuy, EBF, D, A, N1, R1, AOB. Ok, that's about it. It's not the same as saying I've actually given much away to them, but I've at least considered telling them a lot of things I'd tell no one, which is saying a lot.

[Tuesday 1st of October, 2013 edit]
Perspective. Imagine that. There used to be a label called "people I trust." Seeing how I'm utterly inept at putting people in it who actually deserve it, I'm going to give it another go. (And delete the damned label. It's useless.) Here are the people I find myself trusting, even if I don't trust them with much at any given time: A, SmTn, CtThumbe, AOB. Feeling stupid yet, past me? I'll give you some time alone for that.

Forgotten fun fact

My parents seem to believe AOB's my boyfriend, or that I have one at all. They insisted I could bring a friend along next weekend for the family reunion. Kind of hilarious.

Also, I was reading this on CRACKED.com and it makes a lot of sense: I was aware of how pregnant women fall for different kinds of men than they'd usually fall for, and I knew birth control pills make a woman's body believe it's pregnant. Apparently, there's more to it: while you're on control pills you're likely to choose less appropriate MHCs. The explanation says you're inclined to stay around your family while you're pregnant which would help protect the future child. Makes sense. Kind of disturbing, though, when you consider I've already realised LesMisGuy smells like my aunt MT (and a good deal of that side of the family, for that matter, including my cousins). I suppose actual compatibility depends on how susceptible men are to this sort of thing. To be practical, I don't suppose I'll always be on birth control, but there's a good chance that I won't ever get pregnant and need to stop. So, hypothetically, as long as LesMisGuy didn't notice we're not that good a match we could be together. Right. Too much wishful thinking, we'll leave that at fun facts.

Jamaica

I had this odd dream where I got into a history class and the teacher insisted in having us choose a way to make sure some woman who had helped found Jamaica (looked an awful lot like Whoopi) ended up carrying anyone's kids but her current husband's. Next thing I know we're discussing economics and why they picked a spot on a small peninsula to set fort, they'd have a better view of what happened on the island's shores. Then there was a bit when there were under attack, and it looked a lot like a videogame. Before that, though, there were a lot of screenshots that seemed like they repeated themselves. I could see naked people jumping from bushes and off to the sea to swim away, this scene was repeated with minor (odd, as in chopped up pieces of sky odd) changes to the background, meaning each repetition was trying to show a different person. For some reason this liberator woman had a cult associated to her, one of hipsters and a blue packaged brand of beer (VW, NW, MW... some kind of combination of two letters like that). Her husband was some man in the military, a high position at that. The intervention we settled on made some other guy in the military take his place and his girl.

In another dream, I had a broken foot and got stuck in university. I had to call my parents so they'd take me to he hospital, it hurt really bad (actually, I'm pretty sure my foot actually did hurt, I bumped it hard against something last night and it cracked something). I was worried that I wouldn't make it to a lot of things I've got pending these days, though.

Sunday, 13 February 2011

Let's see if I can still remember how it went...

I had this dream last night where I was here with A and her dad, I had a puppy (same as the one in the last dream, lots like my little one, only she didn't recognise me). At some point we were leaving and I remember being afraid of her running away, and when I finally found her she was asleep on my grandmother's bed. It kind of upset me, actually. She liked my grandmother better than me. I'm sure there was more to that dream or there were more dreams, but that's it for now. My parents woke me up fairly early and we had brunch at a restaurant (again, Abasto). It was really good. I had greek yogurt with dried fruits (dates, cranberries, raisins, apricots) and cashews, then some scones with mascarpone (not very good mascarpone at that, I might add) and jam and finally huevos rancheros. Very nice, rather original idea. Not sure my parents' idea of reproducing a Sunday brunch next weekend to celebrate with the rest of the family is a very sensible plan, but we'll see about that later.

Also on today's highlights, I bought the prettiest blouse I've seen in a very long time. It's very frilly, in a light khaki/taupe colour and has these embroidering on the neck and bottom... Very pandora, actually. Lovely. Quite expensive, but I'll wear it every day until it's ruined if needs be. It's that pretty. It's been a very long time since I last bought something for the sake of it being this pretty in such a girly way. I just need to find a proper bra to wear it with, as the fabric is very sheer. Maybe I can pull it off with a black shirt and bra underneath, maybe I can't. In that case I'll need a beige one or a white one... Anyway... Lovely purchase. I just found I've got 15 e-mails waiting for me to check up on them. I'll be surprised if they're all for my birthday. Gb left me a facebook message yesterday and N1 congratulated me last night too... So there's that... Later!

[9:21 pm edit:]
Ok, back. 15+ facebook messages later (some of them just weird) I got a call from Mgrt. She called to congratulate me. I can't believe I'd forgotten it, she belongs on the nicest people I know list. She told me she's been studying English and she's very excited about it. She says it's for the jewellery sales, I know she's always had that spark to go on learning. Years ago when she asked to borrow my Harry Potter books to try what little English she remembered from school (which was, surprisingly, a lot) I realised she was a quick learner and had an amazing drive for it. It's really great news, a lovely surprise. Needless to say, I haven't heard from EBF. Just as well, it's really better that way.

Saturday, 12 February 2011

One late blooming teenager I am

Yesterday I was just too tired to bother writing about how unexciting my day was. I went downtown with my mum, my dad gave me money to buy some shoes for my birthday and mum insisted they were definitely cheaper there. They're not, not if you look like us, anyway. They even charged us up to 50% more in some places. Some of the salesmen were incredibly pushy, and after a while my mum got pushy and angsty too. She had decided to bring my grandmother along and leave her alone in the car while we shopped because she had to take an antibiotic. That resulted in both salesmen and my mum trying to tell me to buy whatever shoes I was wearing, even if I wasn't completely in love with them, or I wanted to check if I could find cheaper ones.

I got mad at my mum and told her she didn't need to be in a hurry and pushing me to make the purchase as soon as possible because it's my damned birthday gift and it just so turns out I want to make a reasonable investment of the money I was given by choosing shoes I really like. She left to check on my grandmother and I kept looking around, eventually finding shoes I liked for a bit less money than we'd been asked to cough up in other stores. Turned out they didn't have any more shoes I liked in my size there, so we went back to the first places to buy another pair of shoes for my sister. My dad had given us money for us to buy her something too. My mum and I got into an argument regarding which shoes my sister would like, and she wanted me to buy shoes that were uncomfortable just because they weren't for me. I told her we had no right to go choosing for my sister, we were getting no where and it would be best for the two of them to go back and buy the other pair of shoes.

She dropped me off at university, I had salad for lunch (more on that later), about 100g of kisses chocolates (somewhat stale, I reckon, but also somewhat of a bargain downtown) for lunch and waited. I was to meet with a friend of my sister's to help him with maths. He's an idiot, and I might've been a little rude, but see if I care he didn't pay for my time and I wasn't about to charge, my sister made the deal. He also smelled, so maybe I'm a little prejudiced, but he's definitely not very bright and making very little efforts to become better. I only helped him for an hour (out of 2 we'd scheduled) and got back to studying for the functional analysis class I had next. I went into class, which went fairly smoothly, and got back. Tiny plus in my day? SweetGuy is sweet. That's all I have to say. He's lovely.

On to today. AOB might come by late at night (8-9pm) to pick up some papers he asked me to get for him in university. I don't feel like doing fuck all today. Not celebrate my birthday in advance, not even paint my nails, or study. I've been watching youtube makeup tutorial videos and I plan to keep doing that. Lunch was a nightmare too. For one my mum made these potatoes with peppers and onions, not my favourite but passable. Only she used old cream on them, so old it was chunky (curdled, no less... I had that in last night's soup too) and didn't even melt. I said nothing about those. Then there's the fact that she wanted to make a salad. She came by and told me she was thinking of mixing diced tomatoes, cheese and heart of palms. I asked if the tomato would be raw and mentioned I don't like raw tomatoes. Since she was going for cheese and tomatoes anyway I told her she could just slice the tomatoes, put them on a tray with olive oil, oregano, cheese, salt and pepper and put that in the oven. She said she'd already diced them (I figured she meant the cheese) so I said she could just place them all over as they'd be melting anyway.

I walk into the kitchen when they call me for lunch and we're having the potatoes with salmon. The tomato had been diced too and my mum had put it in the oven with the cheese, balsamic vinegar and olive oil. They were still raw and the cheese hadn't even melted. I said so, I said the cheese hadn't even melted and that the tomatoes weren't ready yet (I don't like raw tomatoes, have I mentioned that?). She got mad at me and said she'd asked me how I wanted the tomatoes so I'd eat them. I said they could still eat the tomatoes, not that they'd mind them being raw still, and I'd do without them. Which then got her to say I didn't need to say I thought they were disgusting. I retorted I hadn't said that. All I said is that they hadn't cooked yet and they were already serving lunch, so I wouldn't be having any. She said it was implied. Argh!

It doesn't end there, though. We sat at the table. I did my best to stare at nothing but the food, ignore everything around me and I crossed off my mum's insistence on getting mad at me on menopause. Then my dad asked about my going away, and whether or not my cousin had answered my e-mail. I quickly explained I'd gotten answers from both my cousin and my uncle, both quite contradictory. Then he asked me what I wanted to do. I explained I have no choice but to go come the end of the semester and do what I can to get degrees (in maths, from wherever, maybe the master's degree in biomedical engineering). But he insisted on having me make a decision based on what I want. I said we can't afford to pay for tuition here until I graduate, and I'm already doing all the arrangements to go, not to mention my aunt A really wants me to get there ASAP. Then he says something about how I shouldn't be limiting my options because of the money, that we can get another credit (NOT), and I could definitely stay here and finish. Except only, NO, I CAN'T.

I'm in the middle of doing everything to leave, not exactly because I chose to but because I had to. And I'm set on it, I'm leaving. I'll study there. I'll see if I can make a living. I accepted my aunt and uncle's offer because I couldn't not accept it, and I already knew they wanted me to study biomedical engineering. I have no problem with it. If I hadn't been offered the chance then I would've settled for working in campus teaching everything they'd let me teach for a living because I like this university in particular. If I can make good money with biomedical engineering, then that's good too. I'll cut off this argument here to go on telling the discussion.

My dad then decided to shut up about my going away and he and my mum started talking visas and passports. He insisted we have to get the mechanical passports and then get new visas, that we should go as a family to get our all new tourist visas. I answered we're good with our passports until 2014 and won't need to change them to get new visas. We'll be fine getting visas with our old passports until then. He said something about how I'd have to go to another city in the US just to do that, but that's 3 years from now, and I can perfectly afford to come back (because I have to, anyway) to get the new passport when I actually need it. Nope, he wants us to get visas together, he wants to get the tourist visas again (even though we clearly can't afford to travel). Then he and my mum got in an argument because my mum said she'd been reading the requirements online and my dad doesn't want to be the one "doing everything" (like he worked all that much and couldn't spare 10min to call the embassy). One particular behaviour they both insist in and I believe is incredibly impractical is that of doing every all paperwork with people. They can't be bothered to follow procedure if they know there's a living person somewhere that works with something remotely related.

On that note, my mum got my sister's friend's mum on the phone so she could make an idiot of herself. She refuses to pay her phone bills because they've been charging almost twice the usual fee for receiving spam text messages. She's been sending letters (rather rude ones at that, like they're somehow going to get better answers) and keeping tabs. The phone company's ignoring her claims and menacing to cut off the phone line. My dad will be left without a phone and can't be bothered to tell people he knows to reach him at a different number. The woman my mum asked to talk to works in the phone company. I'm sure she's got fuck all to do with the spam messages and can't possibly find someone who does. My mum said she doesn't want this woman to get involved, she just wants the name and phone number of someone she can contact, because the paperwork the company will continue to ignore isn't going anywhere and, surely, talking to someone will fix everything. You know what the problem is? She thinks she's so entitled. She thinks she's got nothing to lose if they put her in the list of "you owe us" government list because she's already in it.

My cousin's lawyer boyfriend has already pointed out that the company doesn't fucking care and will continue to charge outrageous charges for spam because it fucking can and most people would rather pay than jump through bureaucratic hoops to make things right. Whenever someone important makes the complaint, they pay a fine and go on doing things wrong. The answer, for mum, isn't changing phone companies. She wants to go on paying the bastards she knows will do everything they can to go on stealing from their customers. She just wants them to stop stealing from her, just because she's arguing back. Part of her "not letting people fuck with you" motto, I'm sure.

Back to lunch, my dad left to wash the dishes, I sat around, ate a few chocolates and came to my room.

Before the rant I meant to write in the first place, an observation. My dad's idea of us getting visas as a family is fucking retarded. As a legal adult, I can go and do things on my own to get my student's visa. I'll get a little confused, sure, but I can handle it. If we all go together, I'll show up as the daughter of the loser idiots who think it will be rad to get a tourist visa so they can go to the US even though they don't have the money to go there. Even though they can't afford to go because they're neck deep in debts they refuse to pay and keep running away from because (surprise!) they grow bigger the longer you take to pay for them. They behave like being in debt is something that just happened to them, as opposed to something they brought on to themselves. They behave like they're free of sin, and it's wrong of the banks to want their money back. I'll agree the banks' measures are far from polite, not to mention how some of them must actually be illegal (like pretending to be from another company, or making threats they're no good on). Still doesn't get them on the right side of the problem. They're still in debt. They still suck at managing money. They still aren't responsible.

I'm fucking mad and I know why now, I've realised what the pattern is. My parents keep making decisions for me, and once they've made their decision and it's already taking its course of action, they ask me what I want. It's so infuriating! They can't ask me what I want if they've already made the choice for me! What am I supposed to choose if trying to imply I would've chosen differently gets me into an argument where they always win and always get their way? Yes, it's a trauma and no I won't be getting it treated any time soon because we can't fucking afford it: that's exactly what happened with my little one. The vet said we had to put her down, they agreed and decided we had to put her down. Then they ask me if I want to put her down so I'll be the monster wanting to prolong her misery. It was the same with my uncle and aunt's offer. My uncle and aunt decided I should go, my mum and dad (and everyone else) made sure to point out what a fucking great offer it is and how it would be retarded to refuse it. They're asking me now if that's what I want.

So, on to my late fascination with vanity. I had salad for lunch because I feel fat. I feel hideous. I have terrible self-esteem and I know it. My weight is steady, no matter how much I try to cut back on the food I eat, I'm not losing weight. So I had salad. And then I got hungry and ate lots of chocolates. And now I'm angry so I'm eating more chocolates, but I'll be starving myself until tomorrow if I can to make up for it, even if it makes my stomach burn (yes, I'm aware that I'm starting to develop a case of gastritis, and I know it's bad). I'm shallow. Deep inside I think that if I can make things look good on the outside then maybe I won't bother noticing how rotten they actually are. Make up helps people look beautiful, no matter what you start off with (alright, with very few exceptions). So, it amuses me to no end to see the transformations. I would be painting my nails again (I sort of ruined them last night and one of them's chipped) but I know my mum will ask me why I'm doing my nails again and I'll get looks tomorrow if I paint them dark blue like I want to. (Because I feel blue, I'm painting them blue. Yes. That simple. That stupid.)

Which brings me to, tomorrow. I asked my mum a few days ago if we were having a family reunion or something for my birthday. When my dad had his sushi fever I'd mentioned I would much rather cook minestrone for 20 people than sushi for 20 people on my birthday, so we'd sort of agreed we'd be having minestrone. My mum said she hadn't asked anyone to come and that she didn't think we should do a lunch. I reminded her I'd said nothing about lunch, or what I wanted. I was just asking if people were coming and I needed to make any arrangements for that. Then yesterday my dad mentioned we're having a family reunion at my uncle's house as a farewell party for my cousin and her husband going away and her promotion. I don't suppose they remember it's my birthday tomorrow, but it kind of gets in the way of not doing anything al day like I was hoping. Normally it wouldn't get to me, I understand how awesome her promotion is. It's just that it's my fucking birthday and I'd be hoping to be a bit less "on the side". If it were just the closest weekend to my actual birthday I might mind a bit less. I suppose I'm also pre-bummed because all I have to "look forward to" are A, AOB's and N2's greetings.

It also upsets me to know my parents don't want to hold a reunion themselves because they're thinking of how much it will cost them (even though the minestrone's ingredients are actually very cheap and you consider we've already got most of them here). They only factor in asking a lot of people to come so I'll get lots of presents, even though it actually means I'll be getting chocolates and maybe socks from my cousins' grandparents and uncles. I'm sorry, I understand they're trying to save money, but I also understand there are so many ways they could be saving money and they're not, like paying the fucking debt, passing the fucking exam to get a promotion from serving snacks (in my dad's case), not buying a fucking new fridge we don't actually need, not buying a fucking new television we don't need either, selling the televisions we're not using (as well as other shit lying around the house), not buying expensive food items on binges, not buying cigarettes, not buying candy (in my dad's case, again), not buying clothing items on a whim (in my mum's case), and not being so spoiled rotten and using my aunt's high gas consumption borrowed car to go places we could go by bus. That's to name a few, I could think of more.

I don't even want anything in particular for my birthday. I mentioned shoes because it's been forever since we last bought a pair of tennis shoes (the ones my sister got as presents, the sporty ones, don't count because I don't use them) and the ones we have are already pretty shitty. I'd love to buy a pretty shirt just for the sake of having a pretty shirt but I realise I'd have no place or occasion to wear it to and it would be a waste. I refuse to buy underwear for my birthday (even though most of it is also in tatters) and my mum wouldn't have me buy more jeans or pants, so I'm giving up on those. Then there's the rubber boots my mum wants to buy, because the old ones broke and she insists we need new ones (no, we don't). I don't want books, I've still to read lots of books I bought long ago and never got the time to read. I've already bought 3 items on whims: mascara, chocolates (stale) and chocolates (to share with LesMisGuy). If needs be I'll buy more candy in a week or so. See? My whims aren't that expensive. Those 3 up there? less than I've got left to spend from my birthday present. So I'll just cross it off as the rest of my birthday present and leave the rest to spend on bus rides, the occasional cup of coffee/chocolate, a weekly pack of gum and stress relief candy.

That's all, I just needed it all out. I'll go back to watching youtube videos now.

Friday, 11 February 2011

Still

So, why don't I tell you about my dreams from last night?

In one of them, my parents had bought a puppy, also a black and white spaniel. She already had tumors, my parents were ignoring them. I tried to be affectionate with the puppy, but she didn't really understand, we were strangers. I suppose she was right. Very upsetting.

In another dream, I was sleeping on a bed, and one of the Harry Potter goblins was sleeping next to me. At some point I woke up, got out of the covers, tried to get back in, and was afraid I might've woken him up. Only I didn't I found out a few minutes later when he jolted, stood up all of a sudden and screamed "I'm a poet!", and then woke up. I was there with some other woman. We were both perplexed and worried he could've fallen off the bed.

In the last dream I'm about to set on record here I was here and my parents were cooking lunch. There was a very peculiar insect around: it was triangular in shape, brown in colour, and didn't seem to have a hard exoskeleton, it looked soft, and yet not gooey. It had very long fuzzy white antennae, no less than 5-6 of them. Very strange looking insect. Very scary, actually, when I was near it. Fascinating only in retrospect. Anyway, this is not what my dream was actually about. I got a voice message from EBF, he said something along the lines of "we should talk, it's been forever since you last told me anything" and I could hear N2 in the background with him. It pains me to admit I got mad at that, at her being there and him trying to reach out to me anyway. I wonder now if it's got anything to do with both our birthdays coming up on Sunday. I don't think I gave it much consideration in the dream, but I'm thinking there may be something to it now.

Thursday, 10 February 2011

How very... stable

LesMisGuy didn't go to game theory class this morning. Good thing he didn't, I guess, considering the professor arrived late, wasted over an hour in an example we'd started on Tuesday, couldn't do it, started a different one and couldn't finish it, and forgot to hand out the homework he asked us to hand in on Tuesday or Thursday. Also, he stared at me quite a bit at the beginning of the class. Made me uncomfortable. Then, during one particularly long stare when he was supposed to be explaining something on the board he blurted out my name, and then kept on going. Are you gaming me? (yes, pun intended, I've been waiting all day to write that).

When he sat next to me during the seminar I said hi, explained I was preparing a cheat sheet for my students and made a remark about how I hated him a little bit and explained it was for skipping class this morning. Might've come across as flirty, I think, but only when I look back on it. We didn't talk at all after that, though, and he left before me (I would've left with him but I couldn't fit my folder into my bag quickly enough). This realisation thing, that we could've worked out great but actually won't, because we really can't, is so overwhelming it smooths out most sense of feelings I could be roller-coasting on. I just understand, ever so rationally, that it's not going to happen, and I'm left wanting to ask him, in a very Sheldon-esque way, if he fancies or fancied me. Just for the sake of curiosity.

On a different note, and possibly for the sole reason that I have to contradict myself in everything I do, I got this idea when I was on the bus that I should buy some Hershey's Kisses, offer LesMisGuy a kiss, and give him a chocolate. Because it will be Valentine's on Monday. I'm ridiculous, I know.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

That's a "no" then, I figure

This here thing with LesMisGuy isn't going to work out, is it?

Yesterday was uneventful, except for the part where everything was terrible. Against my better judgement I wore pretty-ish shoes again, rubbing on the old blisters from the day before, for the sake of vanity (not that I was hoping LesMisGuy would notice much or anything). I was also under-dressed, considering how cold it was. And I made an idiot of myself during the literature class saying something I thought was helpful but turned out to be completely out of place. Oh, and I slipped and fell, and twisted my left ankle. To top it all off, when I was on the bus half-way here my mum called and mentioned she'd be picking my dad up from the office. I asked if I should get off the bus and wait for her, she said yes. I got out and waited. And then she called to say traffic was a nightmare (when is it not?) and I should wait inside the supermarket. I waited over an hour. Got here exhausted. My feet are still very sore. I'm still having allergic reactions to flea bites and waking up at midnight because I can't help the itching. My pillow is a mess and I've had a sore neck for two days. The only thing missing are headaches, but I'm sure those will start soon enough.

There were only not so shitty things to be told from my day yesterday. The first is that I walked by Rf and I felt not a thing. It was very reassuring to know I wasn't freaking out at the sight of him and relating him to D like I did. The second is SweetGuy. SweetGuy is sweet. He said hi, he was his lovely usual self. Nothing more. I love him. Of LesMisGuy there's not much to tell. When he walked into the game theory classroom he considered sitting in the seat in front of me (the only one near me available) and took a seat around the place he usually sits. He got out before me. That was that.

As for today, I'm still sore. I got to class. LesMisGuy was standing around outside the classroom. I waved from a distance and said hi. He said hi back, we didn't kiss. We talked, a little awkwardly. We got inside. We exchanged a word or 5. I made some stupid remark about French idioms translated and used incorrectly in every day Spanish. I tried writing on the table. My handwriting's terrible. He pointed that out. I tried toying with my rubber, extending my arm in his general direction. I absentmindedly touched his hand and he backed away, so I did too and didn't try anything else. I figured he was, in fact avoiding me (and probably has been since last week). He treats me not too different from other guys in class, including the casual look and 5 word exchange.

We agreed to work together on the seminar for that class. He was the first to bring up the fact that two of the possible topics had already been taken, two of the nicer ones (one including random walks). He asked about the other one about random walks and probabilistic definitions of amenability in groups. I pointed it out in my notes. He turned my way a few times, like he had something to say, but said nothing. I figured he may have been avoiding me and in particular me as a partner to work with, so I said nothing and figured if we were going to work together it had better be him doing the asking. As we walked out of the classroom he asked about the topic I liked best for the seminar. I asked if he wanted us to work together and he asked if I didn't mind working with probability. I answered I didn't really mind much and told him we should go tell the professor lest that topic be taken by someone else, so we did. To be honest, I had my eye on the two that were picked first, and also liked the one about random walks. He sees it from a programmer's point of view. I'm thinking graphs and drawings are amusing. The one with random walks and probability? Not my top pick, but I would've gone for it, maybe. In retrospect, him asking what I wanted to do was probably not my cue. He was probably trying to dissuade me when he asked about the probability part. Can't reasonably back out of it, though.

We walked out together, bought some coffee/chocolate and he asked about my choice for chocolate (again). Somewhat unusual, he's got a very good memory and would've remembered I actually do like coffee, just not the one they sell there, and the chocolate also has caffeine (I mentioned the endorphins too this time). We walked downstairs to the classroom. There were a few people inside. I was going to sit on the benches outside but LesMisGuy went in, so I followed. I dropped my bookbag and walked out saying we should eat outside to avoid making a mess. He took a bit, but followed. I sat on the bench. There was plenty of room, but he chose to stand about 1.3m or so away from me. We talked, but not much. Our game theory professor recognised us and decided to chit chat. He shook LesMisGuy's hand and then mine, getting me stuck in a conversation regarding a homework he's giving us tomorrow. Not LesMisGuy, me. He also got my name wrong again on purpose first. And shook my hand for an unusually long time. Very uncomfortable. LesMisGuy started talking to some other of the guys while I was stuck with the professor. Then the measure theory professor walked in, and so did we.

During class I kept to myself, even keeping my chair a good 20cm away from his. We talked a few times, mostly about topology and how to use it in the proofs our professor was having a hard time with. LesMisGuy was brilliant (ok, he's always brilliant) and helped prove some of the theorems and disprove a few of the ideas that wouldn't work to prove them. Not as hot as usual, surprisingly. Halfway through the class he got jittery. Sometimes he'd just tap his feet really fast, and quite hard on the floor (made my chair move). Sometimes he'd bury his face in his hands, or lean very close to the desk, absorbed in thought, looking at the desk or his feet. I figured he'd be needing to pee as soon as we got out, so I didn't bother much waiting for him. He could've followed right behind me and didn't so once I was out I didn't try to stop and tie my shoes, or put my hair up or anything. I took my chance to go to the bathroom too and walk out to get a bus.

On the bus I started thinking. I thought of how silly it was to wear foundation and a newly bought mascara (if only in tiny amounts) hoping to look nice. I realised this thing with LesMisGuy is not going to work out. We can't even have a good conversation and I'm not sure it's just the fact that conversation doesn't come naturally to me and I'm too hazed in the hormone flush to think straight and make a decent efort. When we talk, the conversation is pulled through roughly, hitting bumps and patches, sometimes getting stuck and awkward. Even when I think I've got something nice to say I screw up because I miss my cues and then say things twice, the second time far too late and botched up.

Today's examples are how I grew to like some coffee (of the frozen kind). We'd already closed the coffee subject and I just went and asked about how he'd studied for the exam we take after school, only to mention I'd learned to drink coffee frappé because they sold it near the place where I studied. I didn't even get to mention how I won the chance to go to another city because of my good scores. I also tried to compare the game theory professor to a routine by Les Luthiers. Only I fucked up the joke. And he didn't really know what I was talking about. He said he's only seen one of their routines and thought it was funny, but implied he may have only thought it was funny because he was fairly drunk. I don't usually judge, it's none of my business. So I'm not sure why that was such a huge turn off. Yeah, anyway, conversations don't flow. Our time together is mostly awkward and when we talk maths I'm evidently nowhere near as good as he is.

*le sigh*

Sometimes I'm thinking, "Why not? I'll just tell him I fancy him and maybe ask if I can kiss him just to see what happens". And then I realise he's really not into me and I'd be wasting our time. I wish I could do something to get him interested, and yet I only find more proof that he is, in fact, too good for me and would be far better off with many other girls he should have no trouble hooking up with. I've found myself wanting to believe he's such a dork he's probably never had a girlfriend before, but I know that's not true. He has a social life. I hate to make gross generalisations like these, but if he drinks he's more likely than not been part of a drunk hook up, at the very least. I'm the one who's socially challenged, emotionally stumped and psychologically broken. At times I just really want the company, being close to someone, and some physical contact. But I can live without those, and if I have to live an old maid then so be it. I can't really push this, and trying to do so, now that we're supposed to work together, can only make things exponentially uncomfortable.

On other news, my going away is verging on disaster. My aunt insists I should be going as soon as possible. I e-mailed my uncle and my cousin, though, and you'd think they've never even talked about me, the three of them together. My cousin and uncle seem to understand I'll be getting a Master's degree in biomedical engineering. So far, so good. The problem is that seems to be the only thing they agree on. I mentioned I won't be able to graduate when this semester is over, I'll need to take more subjects and work on my thesis before that. I'd been e-mailing with my uncle, telling him I've arranged that can be done from Tmp and I'll just have to come back to present my work and get my degree. However my uncle said I should graduate first, which means I'd be staying here for another semester (maybe a year, depending on whether or not they let me work on my thesis in just one semester). That's money my parents can't cough up, and I'll only have one tenth of what's necessary for tuition with the work I got this semester.

I suppose it's what I was hoping to earn anyway. I thought I wouldn't get paid for teaching practice, and I thought I'd score more Pentagono hours. I got no Pentagono hours and pay for teaching practice, equivalent to the number of hours (and for about the same money/hour) I wanted to do in Pentagono. Just as well.

To sum up, I'm giving up on LesMisGuy, I'm not even sure when I'm going away anymore (and, for that matter, if it's worth it to give things a try). If there's any hope left, it lies in maybe exchanging e-mails and being able to IM to work on the seminar. Maybe I'll do better. Maaaaybe he'll be interested. I suppose I'll stick to using some mascara (if only for the sake of using it).