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Monday, 31 January 2011

You know how I know I'm addicted to blogging?

I have to wake up in less than 6 hours, and I've yet to read up for tomorrow's functional analysis class. I managed to put something together in preparation for tomorrow's teaching practice, but I've yet to make some official record of today's day in writing, so here goes (however unimportant, it's suddenly necessary to write everything down).

I managed to finish the measure theory assignment sometime around 1am today, so that by the time I got to university it was all done. When I got to the first classroom, LesMisGuy was in the back, in what would be my usual seat, so I took a seat next to him. He was working on the assignment (I must admit, I had a Nelson pointing and mocking "Ha-ha!" in my head when I saw him). I greeted him, but we didn't kiss (I suppose that's a first, then again, on some level, I am more comfortable). When I noticed he was still struggling half-way through class I offered my homework for him to take a look at. He was a little proud and refused it at first, but then as the class was close to its ending he asked for permission to look through it.

Srq called about a half hour before class was over, so when we got out I called him and we agreed to meet and talk about the assignment before we got into class. While Srq got there, LesMisGuy asked me to go buy coffee with him. We walked together a lot, but talked very little. I was talking about some thing or other but then tripped and sort of got silent. He tried to start a brief conversation about some pastry on display, and I talked about my coffee preferences, but that was about it. We talked with Srq. As we stood around I stood quite close to LesMisGuy and our hands touched briefly, as well as our shoulders and arms.

Then in class we sat next to each other and we talked for a bit (at least at the beginning of the class) about the professor's country of origin when he let slip an "i grèque". I understood but for a moment didn't really process the information until LesMisGuy said it was French, that our professor is French. I said something about his last name and how he could also be from Austria, but we didn't talk very long. French? LesMisGuy? Très sexy! He did say something else about the way "a proof by contradiction" is somehow a "reductio ad absurdum" in French (I know, French, I just remembered latin first). Ok, I don't remember the French expression and I know it's not the same as reductio ad absurdum, I made that one up. Anyway... LesMisGuy sat in such a way that he was quite close to me.

There was minor mirroring, he looked my way once, and all I can consider as "going out of his way" were the times when he had both his shoulder and his knees trying to reach me. If you try to picture someone sitting and somehow extending that way you'd notice it's not quite natural, and I'm still not sure how he did it. I managed not to flinch or move away when our shoulders touched. Insignificant, I know, but I had RuPaul in the back of my head saying "Girl, don't fuck it up!" and I could really feel the reflex of moving away trying to kick in and stopped it.

His smell, as always, was glorious... so sweet, subtle and yet overpowering. Lovely to be around and quite intoxicating... As the class got past the hour mark, he started to doze off until the guy on his other side woke him up (I wasn't sure I should have). He then started answering sexy (well, look at that... I meant to say he started answering questions and coming up with solutions... need I say more after that typo?). When the class was over I tried to pack up quickly but he had nothing to pack up (he never uses a notebook... he has an outstanding memory... the sexy bastard!) but he left before I got to hand in my homework anyway. As he got out of the door he did wave from the door and say goodbye to me and another classmate (by name, both).

So there's that. And the fact that I had his smell stuck under my nose pretty much all day, and particularly during the bus ride back from university, which made me paranoid and wondering if the guy in a white t-shirt behind me was actually him (turns out it wasn't). So now I'm just bewildered as to the reason why I'm smelling him all the time.

I do have time to realise what he must already know: it won't work too well if we can't fucking talk. But for some reason neurochemicals and hormones make it nearly impossible for me to articulate ideas, leave alone come up with sensible things to say and pay attention to what he's saying, or come up with conversation starters. Goodness sakes! I'm pathetic... Then again, you already knew that, right?... That being said, I'm still feeling quite Zen about this whole thing. I'm happy enough to see him, sit next to him, get high on his smell, have brief encounters of physical contact I'm not revolted by and think of how amazing it is to like a guy again and waste time thinking of how sexy all the nerdy things he does are.

I wonder... do you suppose he actually intends to mean anything by that physical contact and sitting next to me? Both times today the choices were his, even if he'd sat first when I got to the first class, that was my spot. Then there's the unnecessary physical contact, which I'm sure never happens with other guys even when they sit next to me. I wonder if it's as unusual as I'd like it to be because if he actually intends to mean anything (oh, Hopscotch...) then he'd have to realise it's damned hard without actually saying anything. I said something. I asked him out. He could've said something to make sure we did go out and he didn't. If that wasn't trying to mean anything then I don't know what is.

I do realise I must be fucking up along the way, but there should be a way for it to be ok to come out and ask him if he's actually interested so we can stop wasting time. I'd really like us to at least be able to IM for a bit and have real conversations, if only artificially eased ones. I'd love to tell him I went to the Philip Glass concert, for instance. I'd love to really hold a conversation with him, if only joking about.... right, can't come up with anything even now... I'll leave that until tomorrow night, I really need to read and sleep now. And I really can't read while I'm asleep... not anything useful, anyway. Good night.

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