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Sunday, 2 January 2011

Shame on me!

I'm watching CM, or well... waiting for the video to load a bit before watching. So I get bored. So I check different websites. I'm all up to date with the latest posts on failblog, cracked, cyanide and happiness, failbook, verydemotivational, the bloggess, the news and guyspeak. So I check facebook. Since I already had, about an hour ago, there's not much new. I realised it's been ages since I last did any facebook stalking (N1 is a terrible influence), so I couldn't help myself and I typed in D's name on the search tool and clicked. I figured I wouldn't see a lot more than mutual friends and fan pages, but the fan pages were all missing. What was not missing was a link to his wall. I scrolled down the new year's and Christmas greetings, the "D is now friends with..." posts and the "D posted ... on ____'s wall" (mostly birthday greetings) all the way down to November, unable to stop myself from clicking on his sister's name (odd to find she's a new friend) and an ex girlfriend's name (again, odd... sort of...), the one who's considerably (2-3 years) younger than him. Shame on me! I can't believe I gave in! It's weird how I felt so incredibly alienated reading the whole thing, realising we're so distant I might as well not really know him, feeling stupid because I've had LesMisGuy in my head these days and I'd much rather facebook stalk him. Shame on me! I keep thinking of these scenarios meeting LesMisGuy in university, getting to kiss him on the lips to greet him and surprising him with a hug as I walk toward him with his back turned to me. I briefly consider how terrible it could be if it's as great as I think it has a chance to be. I think of how amazing it would be to be with him for such long periods of time... I'm trying to muster up the courage to text him again in a week or two, but I'm also worried that I fucked up not texting him earlier, when I thought he'd text me. It's been too long now, probably. I don't know what to do, but I'm hoping against hope that he's interested because I'll make such an ass of myself if he's not when I try to reach out to him...

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