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Thursday, 27 January 2011

A mess, no less

Chronological order seems to make some sense at the moment. I'm finding it hard to even think quickly enough.

I arrived at university. I gave my lecture. It seemed to go well, I think. I got out. I went to game theory class. Some seats were already taken, so I opted for sitting next to LesMisGuy. It took a bit (he was reading on his kindle) but we greeted one another and I mentioned something about the class I'd given and a question I'd been asked. The class went on. I thought of how much of an old flirt our professor is, amused myself by confirming that he does actually have a shoulder at an angle from the other and he stands making sure to disguise it. I was a little insulted by the way the professor asked me stupid questions and compared me to some chinese tennis player trying to remember my name (I don't want him to remember it).

I noticed LesMisGuy looking my way a few times out of the corner of my eye. I did my best to turn a bit more in his general direction so I could look at him too (only I didn't turn my head to do so like he did). As we got out he walked behind me, even waited as I did while some people talked to the professor instead of walking right out. By the time I was out of the classroom he was out of sight, though I tried to linger for a bit and even made a stop to get my grades certificate and this semester's sticker for my student ID. I realised he'd said "see you later" right around where the professor was standing, which I figured was aimed at the professor and found a little odd but didn't question. I supposed he might've aimed it at me and I'd said nothing.

I was sorry not to have gotten some time to spend with him, but I took my hour and a half to leave a message to my students and read for the literature class. I went to the literature class, got stuck sitting next to that intoxicating girl with the ridiculously high-pitched voice, thinking she's so smart, scoffing at others' remarks and using everything she could think of to seem "sweet" and "cute". My thoughts lingered around "revolting". I got out of class, got my lunch microwaved and ate (most of) it. I waited around the classroom we were supposed to be in next. About a half hour before the class started I got in and took a seat. When people started arriving LesMisGuy came in and sat next to me. We looked at the title (something about quantum physics, topology and fields), figured we would understand nothing, he got to read on his kindle and I stared blankly at the board, only half my mind on listening and attempting to keep track of what was being said.

LesMisGuy alternated between his kindle and his computer, his left arm (I sat on his left) shielding his face, his hand holding his hair. He didn't look my way. I tried to sneak a peek here and there but was intimidated by all the people behind us. He got out just before the colloquium was over and got back around questions time. Then it was completely over. I tried to take my time while he packed his things so we'd come out at about the same time, but he got stuck behind. I got to say hi to the guy who got exams last semester. I stopped outside the classroom to tie my hair back. No sight of LesMisGuy. I walked out slowly. I noticed him a bit behind me, earphones on. I made a last attempt at walking veeery slowly, hoping he'd catch up. I waited again by the gates as I got some money out for the bus, but I couldn't see him. As I got to the place where I usually take the bus I realised I'd fucked up bad and I didn't arrange anything to work on the homework we're to hand in on Monday.

It took a bit, but I made up my mind and texted Srq, and, a while later, LesMisGuy. LesMisGuy answered saying he'd pass and he was planning to get the work done during the weekend, that we could maybe talk about it on Monday. I was already feeling rejected, noticing LesMisGuy had been avoiding me all day. I... well... I... felt broken. Still do. I feel so insufficient. I feel lonely. I feel worthless. Srq and LesMisGuy must both see me as some sort of burden, and I feel the part. I feel disappointed. I thought things could go well with LesMisGuy and there's a good chance that he's actually avoiding me because the conversation yesterday just didn't flow as naturally as it should have, or because in any other way I fucked up and now I can't make it better. I feel pathetic. I feel stupid. I feel down. I feel sad. I want to dig a hole and sit in it. I've lost hope with LesMisGuy. Today I felt the message was so loud and clear..."that would be a no".

It gets me stuck in a downward spiral... I think of having lost any chance I ever had at being with LesMisGuy, and am disappointed in how zen I thought I was and how hurt I am. I think of how worthless I feel, how rejected, unwanted and superfluous my existence seems right now. And that just makes me realise no one really likes me for myself. EBF used to appreciate it, a long time ago, maybe. That leaves just my little one. She was always so accepting, always so loving. I could really use cuddling up next to her right now. I need the company. Talking to N1 or A is useless, pointless. That's not company and I couldn't explain how awful I feel. I have no words for it, and no explanation other than the ringing message at the back of my head. All my eggs in, what, 3 baskets? All baskets ruined. All eggs rotten. I'm a mess and I'm not sure I can even blame it on PMS.

I just remembered this dream I had last night... I had something in my leg, not too different from ingrown hair stuck on a little ball of sebum, only a lot bigger. I tried squeezing it out, and it opened my skin, a wound about an inch long and an inch deep, the big string of sebum standing on an edge.

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