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Friday, 7 January 2011

I know, not exactly a good excuse

I'm trying to study topology and can't concentrate. Rather than try and study with some more light in the room and changing the music to songs I can't sing along to, I'm blogging. Because I just can't be bothered, it seems. I went out with A today. We went to a place that's actually a bakery-turned-restaurant. Great concept. Pretty good, actually. Much like the name indicates, they bake sweet pastr. Unlike you'd be tempted to assume, they're not all filled with the usual sweet fillings. They're not even all sweet. They've got it all from ratatouille, to prosciutto and tilsit, and as far as the sweet ones go, they've got passion fruit and chocolate chips (I'm amazed no one had gone out and made the passion fruit combination before in restaurant's I've been to), strawberries and nutella, and marshmallows with lemon pie filling. Awesomeness on a plate for just over twice the price of a regular pastry. Kind of expensive for pastries, really cheap for a meal. The drinks were fairly expensive, though. A glass of juice cost as much as a meal, which if you ask me is really just ridiculous. That aside, it was a nice place. Nice paintings on the walls, lovely handcrafted hearts hanging from the ceiling, and if you'll ignore the somewhat tipsy table we got stuck with, the furniture was alright. A and I walked out having had two pastries and two drinks each paying what we'd pay for just a main course elsewhere. Sweet deal, huh?

As for the conversation, it was ok. No awkward silences. I got some of the latest gossip about people from school2. Ok, so maybe just about how the guys are pathetic scumbags and how J2 and Cq have resorted to picking up girls downtown. Girls who study at the community college. Girls who fall for the fact that J2 and Cq have money and study in a well-to-do university. Girls who may probably include the girl who helped out with the cleaning when my aunt A was here. Yikes.

At some point she mentioned how she'd given up facebook for two months just so she could avoid a girl she used to be friends with but got mad at because she hit on Dg. Not sure I've mentioned him before and I really can't be bothered to go through all posts containing that combination. Guy from school2, friends with A, classroom gossip. They had a drunken make out session where he asked her to be his gf and she refused. It was awkward "ever since", only they've managed to be cool again. They're almost like a couple now. They always go out together and unlikely to turn up to events without the other. A didn't say anything else, but I wonder if she's hinting at something possibly happening. We'll see. It may take little other than drinks and opportunity. Now, my point was going at the fact that she argued with a friend for hitting on Dg after he and A fell apart. A resented it. She was so mad after love and friendship day when her friend went out of her way to greet all of A's friends she flipped. I had no idea that's why she'd closed facebook. She'd given me a much more abstract "idk" when I asked before.

It brought the last conversation with EBF to mind. I couldn't help but mention I was mad at him for having talked to me, quite so opportunistically (A remarked on that too, I tried to say it may have just been coincidence but we both know that's what I think too). I was even more mad at the way he said goodbye. A understands I see this as an act of hypocrisy. She understands I can tell hypocrisy for what it is and not care about it, and she understands why it upsets me so that EBF would use it indiscriminately knowing I'm not the kind of person who tolerates such behaviours. She agreed with me that if we're only talking for a while every so many months we're not really friends and he doesn't get to called me "adored". Especially if he says something as stupid as telling me I should go to China. For what? Goodness! And then I got stuck having to congratulate him on his birthday, because how could I not? She understood. In a very selfish way, I guess, it was nice to tell her and have her agree with me. She may have a bias against EBF and no version of the story other than mine, but still.

As an odd reminder, though, it's weird how when we talked about how I can't talk on the phone for long periods of time (this time I didn't bring up the subject of EBF, I find I tend to limit it when I'm around A, which seems sensible, I suppose) she said it's weird that she can't talk for long now because she used to. She casually ask if I remembered we used to talk on the phone for long periods of time. We didn't. We had lengthy-ish conversations once she left and I got stuck behind. We had longer conversations about D. We never spoke on the phone, not for long periods of time (if at all, really) when we were in Ctg. She talked to N1 on the phone for long periods of time. I mentioned it and we both changed the subject. I guess the whole get-together was a reminder of what our friendship is really like.

She drove me here and came in so we could talk a while longer. We talked to N1 for a bit. When A left N1 and I talked some more. I told N1 about R1 having a crush on me while we were in school, and how I found out through my mum, who found out through teachers, who found out because he borrowed the same books I borrowed from the library. I told her she was not to say a word to anyone. I told her I've been wanting to apologize to R1 ever since I realised it's not quite alright to be as freaked out when guys like me as I am. I told her this because I somehow got on the subject of how unnatural it is for me to be alright with a man fancying me. After some more chit chat, N1 asked if A was still around before she felt safe telling me that she doesn't' think A gives good advice. She said A seemed too indifferent. Truth is, A is annoyed by N1's rantings and will cut her out as often as she can. A even said I'm too nice for talking as much as I do with N1 about her firefighter guy. We both agree N1's not being very reasonable, but she's a bit less encouraging than I am because she sees it more as a matter of squirrel logic than N1 and I do. I'm sensible enough, I think, to let N1 know that there's plenty of squirrel logic in what she has with the firefighter. But I like to believe, like her, that there's hope and that maybe if she gets to know him better they'll be happy together.

It's weird how I'm even a bit overprotective and try to warn her of this guy even though I don't know him. I'm somehow assuming he's at least as much of a jerk as D was to me and try to warn her that guys will take her virginity as a challenge and most everything as a game. I told her she shouldn't get all dramatic in conversation, I told her actions speak louder than words. I've told her it's alright to feel the way she does, even though I've tried to explain it with science (any at all is more than she's willing to hear, though). I've talked her into meeting more men and making choices rather than leaving everything to divine providence. I've tried to make her understand that her virginity shouldn't be as big a deal as she makes of it sometimes and that a good guy will find a way (masturbate his way) to stay true to her and respect her beliefs.

It's my belief, though, that she'll throw all of that out the window once she's in the heat of the moment because I'm fairly sure she's already too horny. I worry and tell her not to do so much as kiss him on the date she's about to have with him (most likely Saturday). I tell her she'll grow more attached than he will and she'll be more hurt if things don't work out. I tell her she doesn't really know him. I tell her she's got so much more than kisses to express caring and affection. I tell her she doesn't have so much other than kisses if she'll stop at sex. I intend to ask her just how far she's willing to go before marriage and sex. I'll try and remember later tonight. For now, I'll try to change the music, read a little. At least try to work through the proofs given in this chapter.

So much for news then.


Can't help but write it as I think of it: I want to dream of my little one again. I'd like to believe she'll be even better along in her recovery in the next dream. I'd like to believe she's still out there somewhere, actually doing better.

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