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Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Because I'm feeling petty is fucking why

It had been a while, I think. It's not that bad, though, I think. I couldn't help myself and noticed 2 things: the first is that D's new facebook profile picture (all hipster-like) is fucking awesome and makes it hard to ignore, even if I can't enlarge it; the second is that I noticed EBF's online (or was about 15min ago, anyway). Then, because I couldn't help myself, I went and looked through blogger posts to keep tabs. It would seem the last we spoke was something like a month ago. Before that, the time lapse was in the order of 2.5 months. I wasn't going to, but I'm going to keep one mor tab and check again just to see how long it was before that. Hold, please.
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About a month. Hold, please.
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Week or so? Hold, please.
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About a month again. Hold, please.
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Ok, I may have lost the thread there...

Seriously, though? It feels like forever and yet it turns out it's just a month or so between talks. Wait, I'm feeling stubborn. I'm checking again the messaging history, no blog posts this time.... But it turns out they're not a very reliable source, apparently most conversations weren't even saved. Oh well, never mind. Only I do mind... hold on again..... Nope, it seems the tags aren't too accurate. There are references to conversations I can't seem to find record of.

It only goes to prove I'm probably a bit more insane than I realise I am. Right... And I'm supposed to be studying in case I take that fucking exam soon. Fuck. Fuck. I can't get a grip, can I? I'm still doing quite good, being rational about the whole thing. I even understand where this outburst comes from, I think. I'm faced with having decided to text LesMisGuy on Friday and I'm just not sure to face rejection if it slaps me on the face then, not even if I have a back up plan with A and AOB. So I think about more rejection? I don't know anymore... I suppose I'm thinking of the last shreds of human contact available to me.

The fact that I had to use my experience being friends with EBF (why did I just sense a whiff of his scent just under my nose? ... Disturbing...) to advise N1 doesn't help matters, either. I went back and broke down what it was like to get to truly know someone. I went back and thought of how you make a habit out of talking, but for a good time it didn't feel like we were supposed to, or we had to talk. I thought of how silences don't need to be awkward, and how some actions become meaningful. I thought of how I haven't deleted EBF's texts from my cellphone even though I told N1 to delete the ones from the fireman. I thought about how much like a boyfriend he sort of was, and what an unfortunate choice of letters I made when I titled him EBF. I think of how much I miss him sometimes, and how much I'd like to talk to him and ask for his advice. I try and remember it never leads to much more than a bitter taste in my mouth and poison dripping down my fingertips as I type to relieve the tension. Right... So, back to topology... Shall I?

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