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Monday, 31 January 2011

You know how I know I'm addicted to blogging?

I have to wake up in less than 6 hours, and I've yet to read up for tomorrow's functional analysis class. I managed to put something together in preparation for tomorrow's teaching practice, but I've yet to make some official record of today's day in writing, so here goes (however unimportant, it's suddenly necessary to write everything down).

I managed to finish the measure theory assignment sometime around 1am today, so that by the time I got to university it was all done. When I got to the first classroom, LesMisGuy was in the back, in what would be my usual seat, so I took a seat next to him. He was working on the assignment (I must admit, I had a Nelson pointing and mocking "Ha-ha!" in my head when I saw him). I greeted him, but we didn't kiss (I suppose that's a first, then again, on some level, I am more comfortable). When I noticed he was still struggling half-way through class I offered my homework for him to take a look at. He was a little proud and refused it at first, but then as the class was close to its ending he asked for permission to look through it.

Srq called about a half hour before class was over, so when we got out I called him and we agreed to meet and talk about the assignment before we got into class. While Srq got there, LesMisGuy asked me to go buy coffee with him. We walked together a lot, but talked very little. I was talking about some thing or other but then tripped and sort of got silent. He tried to start a brief conversation about some pastry on display, and I talked about my coffee preferences, but that was about it. We talked with Srq. As we stood around I stood quite close to LesMisGuy and our hands touched briefly, as well as our shoulders and arms.

Then in class we sat next to each other and we talked for a bit (at least at the beginning of the class) about the professor's country of origin when he let slip an "i grèque". I understood but for a moment didn't really process the information until LesMisGuy said it was French, that our professor is French. I said something about his last name and how he could also be from Austria, but we didn't talk very long. French? LesMisGuy? Très sexy! He did say something else about the way "a proof by contradiction" is somehow a "reductio ad absurdum" in French (I know, French, I just remembered latin first). Ok, I don't remember the French expression and I know it's not the same as reductio ad absurdum, I made that one up. Anyway... LesMisGuy sat in such a way that he was quite close to me.

There was minor mirroring, he looked my way once, and all I can consider as "going out of his way" were the times when he had both his shoulder and his knees trying to reach me. If you try to picture someone sitting and somehow extending that way you'd notice it's not quite natural, and I'm still not sure how he did it. I managed not to flinch or move away when our shoulders touched. Insignificant, I know, but I had RuPaul in the back of my head saying "Girl, don't fuck it up!" and I could really feel the reflex of moving away trying to kick in and stopped it.

His smell, as always, was glorious... so sweet, subtle and yet overpowering. Lovely to be around and quite intoxicating... As the class got past the hour mark, he started to doze off until the guy on his other side woke him up (I wasn't sure I should have). He then started answering sexy (well, look at that... I meant to say he started answering questions and coming up with solutions... need I say more after that typo?). When the class was over I tried to pack up quickly but he had nothing to pack up (he never uses a notebook... he has an outstanding memory... the sexy bastard!) but he left before I got to hand in my homework anyway. As he got out of the door he did wave from the door and say goodbye to me and another classmate (by name, both).

So there's that. And the fact that I had his smell stuck under my nose pretty much all day, and particularly during the bus ride back from university, which made me paranoid and wondering if the guy in a white t-shirt behind me was actually him (turns out it wasn't). So now I'm just bewildered as to the reason why I'm smelling him all the time.

I do have time to realise what he must already know: it won't work too well if we can't fucking talk. But for some reason neurochemicals and hormones make it nearly impossible for me to articulate ideas, leave alone come up with sensible things to say and pay attention to what he's saying, or come up with conversation starters. Goodness sakes! I'm pathetic... Then again, you already knew that, right?... That being said, I'm still feeling quite Zen about this whole thing. I'm happy enough to see him, sit next to him, get high on his smell, have brief encounters of physical contact I'm not revolted by and think of how amazing it is to like a guy again and waste time thinking of how sexy all the nerdy things he does are.

I wonder... do you suppose he actually intends to mean anything by that physical contact and sitting next to me? Both times today the choices were his, even if he'd sat first when I got to the first class, that was my spot. Then there's the unnecessary physical contact, which I'm sure never happens with other guys even when they sit next to me. I wonder if it's as unusual as I'd like it to be because if he actually intends to mean anything (oh, Hopscotch...) then he'd have to realise it's damned hard without actually saying anything. I said something. I asked him out. He could've said something to make sure we did go out and he didn't. If that wasn't trying to mean anything then I don't know what is.

I do realise I must be fucking up along the way, but there should be a way for it to be ok to come out and ask him if he's actually interested so we can stop wasting time. I'd really like us to at least be able to IM for a bit and have real conversations, if only artificially eased ones. I'd love to tell him I went to the Philip Glass concert, for instance. I'd love to really hold a conversation with him, if only joking about.... right, can't come up with anything even now... I'll leave that until tomorrow night, I really need to read and sleep now. And I really can't read while I'm asleep... not anything useful, anyway. Good night.

Fashion's insane enough as it is

I had a dream last night that seemed to take place in the future, when I had just arrived at Tmp. My aunt's kitchen had lettuce leaves placed all over the white kitchen cupboards and my aunt had offered to take me out for lunch, but I had to pay for my share. I also needed to change some money for dollars. It was going to get cold soon, and I had no long-sleeved shirts or sweaters, so my aunt wanted to buy me something but she'd been expressly forbidden to. She tried to coax me into letting her buy me something, so I agreed she could only buy me one cheap big sweater, the kind you could buy at Target. I did have some long-sleeved shirts, come to think of it... Apparently some that we intended to give away here ended up in my baggage.

As for the rest of the dream, I remember my cousin (with child, in Tmp) cooking cookies for her son, placing the cookie dough on cardboard (which I honestly doubted would work). There was also a bit where I was with my cousin's (mother of 3) girls. They were looking at some jewelery and thinking of ways to re-do the decorations on their room. However, my cousin was pregnant and they were upset that they'd be stuck sharing the room with someone else if it was a girl. I told the older one that she'd be out of the house and independent soon enough, that she could even ask to go to her uncle (my cousin) and take some job babysitting to earn her own money. I wanted to buy them a trinket, too, but the only thing I remember them looking at was a very odd bracelet. It was actually a cylindrical lampshade with a silver coil inside as well as spheres. It covered most of my arm and I found it was actually ridiculous so I tried it on to show them.

Sunday, 30 January 2011

Caretaker?

Had at least two dreams last night. In one I was in a room I slept in (not necessarily this one) and there was a worm (if they're segmented and kind of like tiny centipedes, what's the right name?) flying about the room, trying to get a hold of a tiny moth to eat. It wasn't actually flying, though, it was using nearly invisible threads left behind by a spider going all the way from the floor to the ceiling.

In another dream, the one I woke up to, I was with the glee cast at the glee wedding. It was set by the sea, near mangroves, and I think I was part of the cast. In this version of the wedding, Kurt had also put the whole thing together, but he'd asked a guy out to the wedding (Giovanni?). The guy seemed nice enough at first, but I meant to talk to him and make sure he wasn't out to get Kurt hurt. Next thing I know he's with Santana, and the others noticed too. So, taking advantage of a time when he was out of the room they were getting ready to come out dancing from, Finn called him out on it and kicked him out of the team. The guy tried to argue back saying they'd need him for the choreography, but Finn told him they'd manage.

Later I could see Kurt trying to tape the rings to a long-glove shaped box, wearing flowered camouflaged clothes. He was getting ready to set out, and when he realised his date wasn't anywhere to be seen he broke into tears. I hugged him and held him for a while. Later came a choreography set in shallow water near the mangroves. I was near the back, closest to the mangroves and freaking out about everything that wasn't water or sand beneath me. When the time came for Giovanni's part, Finn and Kurt's dad did something to mock him and show just how much better they were without him. Then we all started splashing water as high as we could and the party started. A while later, I saw Kurt again, drunk, hunch-backed and tumbling through a sand castle being built by two of the girls. I took him again, cradled him and, oddest of all, started playing a game not unlike Age of Empires to build a sand castle with him, only in this game I could give him a facial (very odd). That was the end of that, I think.

I just remembered, though, there was at least one more dream, one where I was at the island that used to belong to my cousins' grandfather. I was at the bit facing the big island where we used to hang out most of the time. I could talk to the fish there (they were huge, about 1ft long each, which is strange because you mostly see only the tiny 1in kind around there). I told them to swim clockwise around the island to get safe. Something would happen to the water that could harm them and they'd be far from harm's way if they swam away.

Saturday, 29 January 2011

Glass epiphanies, Glass awesomeness, Glass awareness, Glass contemplation

Just got back from the Philip Glass concert.

I'm... well, not exactly speechless, but it was amazing. At the risk of sounding like I had the time to get drunk or high on something, here's my reaction.

I'll admit he was a little clumsy, playing the odd stray key and his hands falling out of sync a few times. Yet... that's sort of how I know it's him playing the piece and not someone else. There's something deliberate about the barely noticeable asynchronicities. He's such a sweet old man, you know? Hearing his music brought all kinds of thoughts and feelings. It made me regress to when I was a little girl and I used to believe music, especially instrumental music, somehow told a story. His music told... all and none of the stories. I guess you could compare it to the singing of the Ainur, but that would be beside the point. It doesn't tell the lives of people, animals, or plants... not even of inanimate objects. Unless you think thoughts and ideas are somehow inanimate, and I believe they are far from being inanimate on most levels.

The "alternating" sound throughout the concert wasn't so much background, nor was it a canvas on which he then placed the melodies. This background sometimes grew and overthrew the rest of the music, and the best I can do to describe this feeling is that of looking at something, anything. It's all there from the start, but the mind wanders and considers only tidbits at a time, the whole picture only every so often. The use of repetition is used to anticipate change, for, how else would you notice it? A piece would start out with a given sound which would be repeated over and over, with minor changes, until it was no longer the same sound. This was particularly clear during the Metamorphoses, even if he only played numbers 2, 3 and 4. I must say, number 4 was my favourite.

The way the music was chosen and organised, the way he decided to skip Metamorphoses 1 and 5, the way one piece melded with the next in spite of the rupture of applause made me think that the music was somehow beyond time, beyond context and beyond most reasonable explanations. It appealed to me as a child, as a mathematician, as a philosopher, as a woman, as a being stuck in contemplation. It didn't speak to me. It spoke the thoughts of a great mind, and, though the pieces were obviously written in some form of chronological order, that's not the way the thoughts actually evolved. Sometimes the sound was that of a child daydreaming, sometimes it was that of an old man reminiscing, sometimes it was that of feelings taking over right here, right now.

I remembered these drawings a school teacher once showed us during 5th grade. They were these pictures done with carbon and they all depicted the oddest scenarios. One of them had an UFO, another a witch, one had very tall columns in a dark hall and the one I remember the most is one that showed a room's corner. The wall was covered with a wallpaper with pictures of birds in it, and the birds were coming alive from the paper, flying out the nearby window. I remember it best because I had to make a picture of it, and I obsessed over the birds. I'm no longer sure if they were black or white, but some days, for a while after I drew the picture, I saw birds exactly like them during the bus ride to school, black ones. Now, I digress. The whole reason the pictures came to mind has to do with the story our teacher told us. She explained an anonymous artist had been travelling around, handing these pictures to different people. He always gave out originals of the same 12 (?) pictures, all to different people. In some particular order, they were meant to tell a story. We were given the assignment of drawing our pictures and coming up with individual stories explaining what might be going on in them. I'm not even sure what we wrote for ours anymore.

Philip Glass' music brought epiphanies, and then the sudden realisation that the epiphanies were, in fact, meaningless but not completely pointless. It coiled back on itself, sometimes just observing, sometimes cathartic and bursting with all the knowledge wanting to show itself, then humility, and throughout, change.

I couldn't help but think, a few times, of EBF's arrival, of LesMisGuy, and my little one. The music had a soothing effect, that of humbling down everything to let the universe whistle on it's own absent-minded tune. It wasn't so much a nannary "there, there", it wasn't friendly reassurance, a cry of despair, a prophecy or a reminder of things past. Only it seemed like it. But it only told everything the neverending storybook would tell, anticipating nothing, telling only so little about things past, not so much reassuring or desperate as understanding.

Such lovely music, such a lovely old man (he played two pieces out of the programme, I'm not sure if just out of being nice or because he intended to anyway), such wonderful thoughts and such thoughtful feelings. I'm ecstatic, in spite of the man breathing loudly next to me, the lack of respect of so many wearing clothes too casual for the occasion, the fact that I could anticipate menstrual cramps, the fact that I've only done a third of my measure and integration assignment. I witnessed the thoughts of a great mind turned into music, I took a peek at a world illuminated by the light that lit his way and I could see the world was a word, a sound, a music.

Leave it to my dad

Leave it to him to find and get a ticket to the Philip Glass concert, and leave it to him to bring up my little one during lunch and bring me to tears and minor choking.

I suppose that's reasonable, enough

I had this dream last night where LesMisGuy had a girlfriend. Some girl who's in the game theory class (wouldn't know which one, I just remember sitting in class and making a note of them being together). He'd lost interest and changed his mind. For some reason I have the vague notion of the fact that the girl wasn't too happy with him spending time with me. Yes, I suppose it would all make plenty of sense.

On to a different dream. I was in a hotel room (what is it with hotels, anyway?) looking out some shutters. Two men were reading some documents. They were from Germany/France/Austria/Belgium. I was with others, I can't remember who, and we were trusting them to read the papers without giving away their contents. However, I noticed they shifted to the exact same positions every so often and got out in a rage an called them out on it. I said it was too odd for them to be reading in the exact same positions, and that I just knew they were trying to get the documents within someone's eyesight. They broke down fairly quickly and admitted what they'd been doing, which led to them pacing on the rooftop we were in. This rooftop in particular left huge gaps (1.2m+) in the floor and railing, so I had to jump a couple of times. That's about it, I think.

Back to measure theory.

Friday, 28 January 2011

Better already

Number one, Srq called, we are working on the measure and integration homework (all the better, he knows more about analysis than LesMisGuy anyway, right?).

Number two and awesome, my dad got me a ticket for the Philip Glass concert tomorrow night.

Right... To be fair, Srq did tell me he'd call when he got on his way to university and I was supposed to wait for him, but he also gave a sort of timeline. I assumed he'd get there regardless of having not having called me. He didn't make it and by the time I got there and texted I was there it was too late. I made the most of it working on the assignment on my own for a while and borrowing a book from the library in case it's any help (I don't think it will be).

The bus rides gave me time to think, though. If I had to place a bet on it, I'd bet LesMisGuy's not interested. Never was. He's just very nice. It took until today to pick up on that, but he said he'd stayed here during the Christmas holidays, and he answered my text. It means he could've gotten back to me if he had wanted to, and I figure he would've brought up the subject of coffee any time by now if he was interested. Well, I suppose it's good to know. I suppose it's good I didn't text him again and I haven't made a complete idiot out of myself by trying something completely inappropriate while around him. So paranoia is paranoia is paranoia, not him possibly liking me. Him looking my way is him looking my way is him looking my way. Everything else I made up. I can live with it, I suppose. I am leaving, after all.

Nowhere near done with these, am I?

I had this dream last night where I was with my little one. She was breathing heavily. Apparently, she hadn't been put down because I'd chosen not to, and I'd also neglected her medicine. This time she was going to die because I'd fucked up and forgotten her medicine. The tumors were much worse. Oh dear....

On a different note, there was some very odd dream I'll mark now as CENSORED:

I sucked on some black guy's dick, it was incredibly long, and a little thinner than D's (yeah, I have no better references). It also tasted funny, like cured meats. So weird...

Thursday, 27 January 2011

A mess, no less

Chronological order seems to make some sense at the moment. I'm finding it hard to even think quickly enough.

I arrived at university. I gave my lecture. It seemed to go well, I think. I got out. I went to game theory class. Some seats were already taken, so I opted for sitting next to LesMisGuy. It took a bit (he was reading on his kindle) but we greeted one another and I mentioned something about the class I'd given and a question I'd been asked. The class went on. I thought of how much of an old flirt our professor is, amused myself by confirming that he does actually have a shoulder at an angle from the other and he stands making sure to disguise it. I was a little insulted by the way the professor asked me stupid questions and compared me to some chinese tennis player trying to remember my name (I don't want him to remember it).

I noticed LesMisGuy looking my way a few times out of the corner of my eye. I did my best to turn a bit more in his general direction so I could look at him too (only I didn't turn my head to do so like he did). As we got out he walked behind me, even waited as I did while some people talked to the professor instead of walking right out. By the time I was out of the classroom he was out of sight, though I tried to linger for a bit and even made a stop to get my grades certificate and this semester's sticker for my student ID. I realised he'd said "see you later" right around where the professor was standing, which I figured was aimed at the professor and found a little odd but didn't question. I supposed he might've aimed it at me and I'd said nothing.

I was sorry not to have gotten some time to spend with him, but I took my hour and a half to leave a message to my students and read for the literature class. I went to the literature class, got stuck sitting next to that intoxicating girl with the ridiculously high-pitched voice, thinking she's so smart, scoffing at others' remarks and using everything she could think of to seem "sweet" and "cute". My thoughts lingered around "revolting". I got out of class, got my lunch microwaved and ate (most of) it. I waited around the classroom we were supposed to be in next. About a half hour before the class started I got in and took a seat. When people started arriving LesMisGuy came in and sat next to me. We looked at the title (something about quantum physics, topology and fields), figured we would understand nothing, he got to read on his kindle and I stared blankly at the board, only half my mind on listening and attempting to keep track of what was being said.

LesMisGuy alternated between his kindle and his computer, his left arm (I sat on his left) shielding his face, his hand holding his hair. He didn't look my way. I tried to sneak a peek here and there but was intimidated by all the people behind us. He got out just before the colloquium was over and got back around questions time. Then it was completely over. I tried to take my time while he packed his things so we'd come out at about the same time, but he got stuck behind. I got to say hi to the guy who got exams last semester. I stopped outside the classroom to tie my hair back. No sight of LesMisGuy. I walked out slowly. I noticed him a bit behind me, earphones on. I made a last attempt at walking veeery slowly, hoping he'd catch up. I waited again by the gates as I got some money out for the bus, but I couldn't see him. As I got to the place where I usually take the bus I realised I'd fucked up bad and I didn't arrange anything to work on the homework we're to hand in on Monday.

It took a bit, but I made up my mind and texted Srq, and, a while later, LesMisGuy. LesMisGuy answered saying he'd pass and he was planning to get the work done during the weekend, that we could maybe talk about it on Monday. I was already feeling rejected, noticing LesMisGuy had been avoiding me all day. I... well... I... felt broken. Still do. I feel so insufficient. I feel lonely. I feel worthless. Srq and LesMisGuy must both see me as some sort of burden, and I feel the part. I feel disappointed. I thought things could go well with LesMisGuy and there's a good chance that he's actually avoiding me because the conversation yesterday just didn't flow as naturally as it should have, or because in any other way I fucked up and now I can't make it better. I feel pathetic. I feel stupid. I feel down. I feel sad. I want to dig a hole and sit in it. I've lost hope with LesMisGuy. Today I felt the message was so loud and clear..."that would be a no".

It gets me stuck in a downward spiral... I think of having lost any chance I ever had at being with LesMisGuy, and am disappointed in how zen I thought I was and how hurt I am. I think of how worthless I feel, how rejected, unwanted and superfluous my existence seems right now. And that just makes me realise no one really likes me for myself. EBF used to appreciate it, a long time ago, maybe. That leaves just my little one. She was always so accepting, always so loving. I could really use cuddling up next to her right now. I need the company. Talking to N1 or A is useless, pointless. That's not company and I couldn't explain how awful I feel. I have no words for it, and no explanation other than the ringing message at the back of my head. All my eggs in, what, 3 baskets? All baskets ruined. All eggs rotten. I'm a mess and I'm not sure I can even blame it on PMS.

I just remembered this dream I had last night... I had something in my leg, not too different from ingrown hair stuck on a little ball of sebum, only a lot bigger. I tried squeezing it out, and it opened my skin, a wound about an inch long and an inch deep, the big string of sebum standing on an edge.

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

You want to guess who gave me a ride today?

LesMisGuy did. *Elmo Yay*





Let's do this in order, shall we? I was a little disappointed when he didn't surprise me with a kiss to greet me during class, he sort of just walked in and took a seat. When we got out I took the elevator (per usual) and he took the stairs. I figured he might've been avoiding me. As we got to the first floor our gazes met and he maybe smiled and I tried slowing down so he'd catch up with me but he didn't. I even opened my box of runts. I took a chance to go pee before the next class and when I got out he was there with few other guys chatting. I wanted to seat next to him, but opted for just standing not too far from him while we chatted. Srq came by and we talked for a little while about my topology exam. Then we took our seats in the classroom. I figured we'd be seating in the same row as last time but opted for a seat by the window both for air and because it was simply easier for people to come sit later. LesMisGuy and Srq sat next to one another in the same row, only at the other end of it. Then the professor handed out papers with an introduction to Riemann's integral and 9 exercises to work on along the way. I thought to myself I was fucking screwed and I wouldn't have a chance in hell of ever passing the subject. Still do, actually.

You know who did seat next to me? Some guy I'm pretty sure is an economist, apparently friends with LesMisGuy. Next thing I know he's asking for paper, no problem, I gave him one. Then he starts asking my name, asking what I study. I think the guy may have been trying to flirt with me. Gross. To think I kept wishing it were LesMisGuy instead of him... Oh well... The end of the class finally came and the professor said we have time until Monday to hand in our work. LesMisGuy and Srq walked out together, I followed not far behind and joined them, asking them to be my godfathers and help me out. We talked for a while, and started walking out. Then LesMisGuy offered to give us rides. He asked where I live and said he could give me a ride about half-way here and I took him upon it. It's odd, though. Last semester he offered but didn't say anything when I told him where I live. I wonder if it has anything to do with him getting on the same bus as me and noticing me watching him get out... I hope it has more to do with him wanting to spend time with me.

So, we talked about stochastic processes for a bit outside the parking lot LesMisGuy had left his car in, Srq said good-bye and left and I joined LesMisGuy. He paid for the parking, it started raining and we made our way to his car. An old mazda, probably from the 90s. You know what? I thought it was endearing. I even thought it was awesomely cute when the car lagged a bit or took a little while to start and he seemed a bit embarrassed about it. I said nothing and just chuckled at his grunts and words of encouragement. It's all down under "endearing". In the car we talked about a lot of things, none of them too interesting to be honest. We talked about the weather, we talked about politics, traffic jams, traffic light systems, his thesis, my school project, the school he graduated from, the theft of a car near university, how awesome our (hopefully next) mayor was for putting up transmilenio and bike routes and libraries, teaching practice, classes, professors, Philip Glass, my lack of a sense of orientation, women's versus men's sense of orientation...

I loved the fact that he knew Philip Glass is a composer of minimalist music (nerdgasm). I loved the fact that he'd taken time to observe traffic lights and understand which streets have priority and why. I loved him for excusing his car, so sweet and unnecessary. There were a few awkward silences, but we were both trying hard not to let them last long, so that's a good thing, right? I mean, the conversation wasn't particularly nice, and it was a bit choppy. I'm sure I could've done better, but I realise I didn't do all that bad. I did sort of take the lead a few times when I shouldn't have. I did make a few things all about me when they weren't. I did feel a sort of need to disagree with him when we discussed politics even though I totally agreed (wonder how those wires got mixed up...). When he stopped and told me I could get out I'm not 100% sure about anything, but I sort of should've gotten out right away, and then away we were talking and I didn't want to cut that out. I leaned in for a kiss goodbye and thanked him. That leaves me... well, just confused, I suppose. I'm not sure what to make of anything, really.

I'm hoping he wants to spend time with me tomorrow (he's got 6 hours to spare, and he can't be working out during all of them). Maybe we can walk out of class tomorrow and grab a cup of coffee or something and chat for a while before I go to the literature class.

He mentioned he works out (of course he does... like I wouldn't know that). I've decided his awesome back makes me want to hug him. Normally I wouldn't care at all about him working out or not. But his back is just so... appealing. I'm not sure if it's because I'm always staring at it during class, or because he takes off his jacket and the muscles rip out through his t-shirts. His back makes me want to hug him, wrap my arms around him, give him back rubs, kiss his neck, lie my head against his shoulder blades... Lawd! Well, I suppose I'll be back with more news (if any) tomorrow. I'd better go prepare my class for tomorrow and read up on the Odyssey.

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Consider

Odd verb, isn't it?

I've noticed, not only am I incredibly distraught when talking to LesMisGuy, there's also a huge element of selfishness in it. I've found it's not so much that I don't listen (ok, I really don't listen and it's a big problem), it's also that I'm the one doing most of the talking. For instance, when he asked about my vacations I could've asked about his in return, just as the nice thing to do. I didn't, I drove the conversation away from that and into other things involving me. He's so considerate, too, you know? He remembered today that I'd had my first day of teaching practice and asked how it was. I didn't ask when his was, I rambled on about my day, my students, what I prepared. I'm awful! And I worry that I know maybe I'm a little self-centered, but this is really a bit too much, because I doubt he's that good at getting me to talk about myself (like he'd want that), and I do realise that I should be saying different things (if not when I say all the wrong ones).

We didn't really talk much today, I took advantage of the fact that one of the guys from topology asked to take a look at my notebook to wait for him to come out. Once he did I waved and he kissed me ( :) ). I'm not sure if it's another facet of selfishness, but I'm starting to think I'm "training him" to kiss me, I like it when he does and so try and get to talk to him so he'll do it (if only out of good manners). It's odd, though, that I always try and wave first. Given enough time, Srq took to just waving and most other guys just wave, but LesMisGuy kisses me. I'm hoping we'll get to talk tomorrow. I wanted to make good use of my spare hour and half today but he had someplace to get to, so the best I could do was try and walk with him at least as far as the elevators.

However, I simply couldn't stop thinking about him during the game theory class (which I've decided might be lots of fun, actually). I was hoping he'd come in and greet me and sit next to me, but I was distracted (verily!) playing on my phone and didn't notice him get in and sit right across from where I sat. The professor rambled on (and really just rambled sometimes, digressing so much it was actually very funny) and after trying to make an example with a guy and a girl and discussing a story by Borges (which he didn't remember) we got to something interesting. He designed a tree of decisions made by a potential couple, and how they could reach an equilibrium where they'd both be making the most profit. Case in point, the first branch (which was later deleted) involved whether or not he should tell her about his feelings. We all assumed he'd just go for it and moved on to the second branch. She could either believe him or not. If she didn't then it was a no win situation, (0, 0). If she believed him, they'd get together, which broke into another branch. He could either cheat, which would make him very happy and her very unhappy (-2, 4) or remain faithful (3, 1). The professor even joked about being able to pick up a girl by beating her at some game with sheer smarts (we all laughed, I sort of let my mind drift for a bit).

Here's the thing, the professor wasn't entirely wrong about this game theory application to love lives. He was right to state that the hardest part of turning it into a game theory problem would be to assign possible gains and losses. I started thinking it's the kind of game I want to play with LesMisGuy (because he'd beat the crap out of me at chess), it would sort of rock my world if he somehow won by winning me over. I've decided it's a conversation I'd like to have, however teasingly, if only for the sake of how interesting it would be (and for the lack of other people I could discuss this with). I'd love to start this conversation with LesMisGuy, but I'm sort of afraid I may be treading on dangerous ground there. I even remember him being so careful about using the word "romantic" to describe the teaching practice experience (is it odd that I found that endearing?).

If it's going to happen, though, I need to stop sending mixed signals (which I admit I'm aware I'm doing but can't really help). I want to approach him tomorrow after the teaching practice reunion tomorrow, walk with him to the next classroom, talk for a bit there, walk over to the other classroom, talk some more. This time I should be smart enough to make a quick stop to go pee or I'll fuck it up like I did yesterday. Right... so I need to not be embarrassed to cut the conversation somewhat short to go pee. And maaaybe, if I mention being cold by the time we're out of the last class, I could get him to suggest we go get some coffee? That's wishful thinking... Oh dear...

Just for kicks, let's give this a try, shall we?



Tell him (1, 0)
Not tell him (0, 0)

Him giving things a try (3, 2)
Him not giving things a try (-1, 0)

Neither of us cheating (4, 2)
Him cheating (0, 2)

(Maybe I err on the side of caution a little too much assigning all 2's to his reactions, but I haven't enough information)

Right, so I suck at game theory and I'm depending on him calling all the shots because it's either awesome or completely mute for me and there's just no way I'd know about his feelings.


Oh, just in case I forget later, I have this insane theory I wanted to mention. I've noticed a lot of people from maths (professors as well as students, from all nationalities, myself included) have moles on their backs/at the nape of their necks... on the vertebra that sticks out a little bit just as the neck bones end and the back bones start. So odd...

Monday, 24 January 2011

Oddest things

I swear public transportation drivers forgot how to drive altogether during the vacation. The bus I took to university today was so incredibly reckless! And so were the people getting in and off the bus! Goodness! You'd think common sense could be a little more common! That's why it made my day that, as I walked out of the bus and to buy some replenishables, the sweet gay guy and possibly gay girl from maths walked by and we greeted one another. They're always so nice, you know? They both greet with a sweet smile, wholeheartedly. You thought I was going to say something about LesMisGuy, didn't you? Nah, to be fair I haven't been that obsessed with him. I'm surprised by how calm I am (at least in comparison to N1). I know being gay doesn't define the sweet gay guy, or the other girl (possibly), and being so nice they deserve proper names and labels. So I'm going with SweetGuy and SweetGal because... well, they couldn't be much sweeter unless you sugarcoated them and stuffed them with chocolate, in which case they'd be too sweet and that would just defeat the purpose.

Moving on along my day, I bought some gum (let's make a mental note never go buy "go fresh" gum again, ever), water, wonka candy and markers and made my way to the building we had class in. A brief stop in the women's room (important in a bit, you'll see) and then I got to class. I got there early so I took some time to get ready for the class I'm giving tomorrow (substitution rule) as the others arrived. The professor was already there and we were trying to find a way to turn off the video beam or somehow block the light that came from it when LesMisGuy arrived. I was in a seat by the door (as is the case by default when I get to choose a spot). I was trying to pay attention to the professor (ok, I was trying not to seem too eager looking at everyone that arrived) and he sort of caught me by surprise when he kissed me to greet me and took a seat a couple of seats in front of me.

We timed each other going out but as I got out early I took advantage of the fact that it was the room we'd taken topology in and made my way to the lift (he'd know to find me there). I think it's at least a little odd that no one else chose to take the lift with us, but it gave us time to chat. He asked about my vacations, I said they'd been good (I know, a lie, but telling him about my little one is no way to break the ice) but I hadn't gotten around to do the topology exam. I remarked it didn't really matter because I got to do the teaching practice anyway. So we started talking about teaching integral calculus, and about my terrible level of observation (I could've gotten a list of my students and seen who I'll be teaching like he did). That right there makes me wonder if he also did some snooping to see when I'd be teaching and which classes we'd be in together... As we waited outside the next classroom and chatted with a guy from last semester's topology he didn't seem too surprised to find I'm in class with him (then again, maybe I'm making that up). During class, it was terribly crowded, and it was half full by the time we got in so we sat together :) . Is it stupid that I got so excited about that?

He looked directly at me in the middle of class at least once, but I was a little freaked out about it and didn't look at him back even though on some level I realised I should have. Then there was some minor mirroring with the way we sat (placement of the legs and arms, for the most part). He also kept looking at my hands and fingernails... isn't that odd? And then there was him leaning ever so lightly so that our shoulders touched a little (why do I even notice?), though I tried to make room when he took off his jacket (not that there was much room to be made). Would that count as avoiding him? Then halfway through the class he got all fidgety and started moving his legs a lot, and looking at his watch every 10 min or so. I wasn't fidgety, I was trying hard not to let my stomach grumble or pee in my spot, also looking at my watch every 15min. I figured he must have really wanted to go pee too. When we got out I tried waiting for him but as I walked around the people who just stood there he stayed behind to talk to them, or maybe went to the bathroom. I tried walking slowly, but I didn't see him catching up so I made my way to the library, a bathroom, and a bus.

I was a little more freaked out than I would've expected (I'd been cool all day, after all) when I saw him getting on the same bus I was in. A beggar was asking for money, though, and there were maybe 3-4 people standing and taking seats, and the seat next to mine was taken. I tried to make eye contact as he walked by, but he didn't see me. I got a little stalker-ish and made sure to find out where he got out (in front of Papa John's). I think he might have noticed me looking at him (even though I tried to be subtle and only looked out the window as people got out). So there's that.

I fucked up because I realised only on the bus that I didn't ask him about his vacations, or his thesis, or himself, except for what time he was teaching to tell him I got a 7am shift (he's got an 11am shift). He said something about how he'd kill himself if he had to teach that early in the morning and tried to tell me it was a good thing if no one showed up because it was less work for me. He sort of mentioned something about how it's nice that we get out at 6pm, how it's nice to get coffee at that time.

I was too distracted and I didn't really gather much from that, which makes me wonder if he was trying to bring up us having coffee together some time. I'll try and ask him again on Wednesday, or tomorrow, or sometime this week if we're not both about to wet our pants. That's the other thing, I'm not sure why (I was already eager to go pee when I got out talking to him), but I feel uncomfortable telling him to wait for me while I go pee, or waiting for him to go pee. When I was with Srq, it wasn't a big deal at all. If we walked by a bathroom we just both went and waited for the other outside and kept on talking. So odd... I'm also aware of how I get so easily distracted. However, it's ridiculous how I'm completely elsewhere when I'm around him. Again, curious.

I'm hoping we do get to have coffee (at least) this week. That would be an awesome excuse to go out with him next week if things go well. Which would, in turn, be an awesome excuse not to go out with EBF. Right... Petty here, you there?

Thinking about the title, I figured it's a little oximoronish. You cant have ____est (plural). It contradicts something being the ____est unless you're talking about minimal or maximal qualities, which makes language rather ambiguous. You should have something for maximums/minimums and another word for maximals/minimals other than the "top n". I digress... Weird here, you there?

Sunday, 23 January 2011

Yet again

I had a dream about my little one. This time I was with my parents in a supermarket. She was with us and kept running all over the place. At times she even ran up doors and jumped when she reached the ceiling. Her breathing was somewhat uneven and I could still feel the tumors on her chest.

Besides her running around, my two aunts were there and one insisted we buy pine scented incense. My parents and I were being followed and observed by a man who parked near the car we were driving and kept tabs on what we drank and ate. In the supermarket I remember choosing these zipper things for doors. Nonsense, I know... I had to change them for something else but all I could find were beans.

In another dream there was something political going on (wait, I think I was still thinking of voting when I left the supermarket above...). There was this woman who was candidate for something big, maybe president. She had come up with a design for a city that made it into a utopia. The designs, however, had been stolen (I just know that was influenced by the news here that will have all people who deserve their land back to get killed). She got killed. Some people from the military were investigating and they had lots of electronic devices that plugged in cables into tiny piano keyboards. I wanted to vote for her if only to state that I agreed with what she had been doing, but someone else (somehow involved in the theft or her killing) was winning.

In another dream (maybe) there was a gay solider talking to whomever I was in the dream, giving me information.

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Add one more to that last list of sentences

So... EBF is coming for a week. He's asking if we can go have lunch/dinner while he's here. Right... I have no sense of will power, so I said yes right away. Awful. No, wait, he's saying we should make that lunch. Why is that somehow disappointing? I don't know anymore... And why is it that I have absolutely no intention of actually showing up? I'm somehow wishing he'll have no time and will be busy with N2 or whatever. I don't want to see him... Talk about awkward. (And no, Ugly Betty has no say in this, even though the show was making me very uncomfortable a while ago and I had to switch to Nigella). Goodness...

Why is he even coming over? I don't want to ask, but I fear I'm sort of expected to... Here goes...

While he answers, I'm wondering just how high the awkward levels will be... Will there be much to talk about? I'm half wishing I could somehow make him meet me near university and bring someone along... Maybe LesMisGuy? Yeah, that's a long shot. Maybe Srq? Unlikely, he most likely couldn't afford it. Oh shit... I need moral support. There are so many things I don't want to talk about, you know?

Answer. Let's see... Work, apparently. Right, so he'll be busy here. That raises the odds of not meeting him. Right... Yeah, it should add up as practice.

I switched to Ugly Betty again... why do I even watch the show? I think this is why I've grown so fond of fashion and beauty blogs/videos. All endings are happy, there's no embarrassment. There's no awkward moment. There's only taking something and making it look better.

Back to EBF, though. I made one extra question about his coming here, asked if he needed to meet with his boss or something. No answer. And then? He went offline. Awesome. That just leaves even more dread.

Evidently

I'd already found her when Ms. Carly entered the lookbook world and announced it, and I'd already figured, I'm only just deciding to put it down on words. I found Pandora, and I can't help but realise EBF would lurrrrve her. I really like her sense of fashion, most of the time. The rest I just think she's worth admiring and quite amusing to watch pictures of. I don't think I'll be even half done with them before I go to sleep. I can't help but wonder if I should tell EBF about her. I half remember there might have been a time when he was en Europe when he might've maybe seen a woman he could've fallen in love with, based on her clothes and sense of fashion. A part of me would like to believe she and Pandora are one and the same. Finish the sentences any way you like then: "Evidently..."

Friday, 21 January 2011

I be craaazy

I had this dream last night... mental.

There was a land where anyone could compete to be king, and there was even a special place where people who wanted to give it a try could go be trained. This young man made it and became king, and it turned out a parasitic monster had been living in him, dormant, and took over when he became king. A huge monster came roaming the city (something like the digimon owned by Joe in the first series... it was hairy, but it had a long tail and seemed reptilian, very strange...) and the king did nothing about it. Worse yet, he mentioned there were others like it, and mentioned he was one of them.

The big monster's tail had 3-4 pieces to it and each piece was another monster. There was a group of people trying to organize a coup, and then there was a group of people set to defend the king. The coup people were in a building, looking at the king and a woman he was dancing with, trying to take over a room with a lot of electronic devices. The power in the building had been shut down but this room in particular still had everything running. I remember discussing some electronic devices with a young man and a young woman before the lights went out. The coup people decided to infiltrate the apartment the king was in, taking advantage of the fact that he was distracted and taking some people as decoy (the vietnamese girl from youtube who does make up tutorials comes to mind, not sure why). However, they had to take the lift to the 8th floor and the king's people were in it.

I was one of the first out, and when I got in the lift and noticed no one joined me I pretended to have forgotten something and got out. However, by the time the coup reached the king's apartment it was swarmed with his people and they mocked and insulted the coup people. I remember the king explaining his powers, and how he'd was able to transform into any shape he liked. He was like that crystal in Disney's Atlantis. There were also all these battles... In one, I had to play a game sort of like foursquare, sort of like the game where you can only let the ball bounce once, with a little girl. When she failed to reach the ball at some point I told her she'd lost, even though I didn't really know what we were playing or what the rules were. She got really upset. We were in the little bit of a basketball court in school1 where some girls and I had started a space-themed mural. I got to the ball and flew back to the court.

Another battle consisted of seeing two people from school1 (one year ahead of me) dancing at a door frame and imitating their movements. However, a little girl was holding the door and kept opening and closing it. I called them cheats and said I wouldn't be a part of a competition like it because there was no possible way I'd win.

In another dream I was at my aunt's mall where the coffee place would be. There were lots of girls from school1 and from Ctg in general and they were planning a party. When they asked what each would bring I volunteered to get cake along with other 2 girls, and I spent a good deal of that dream wondering what cake to make.

In another dream there was this cheap burger and fries place downtown that displayed mountains of fries at the entrance. I was planning to go there with A. I'm not sure why, but all around the city there were these towers measuring some thing or other (something like wi-fi, perhaps?) and one of them downtown displayed all the things that came to it. Right.... so, if there was anything else, I'm sure lunch made me forget it. No, wait... there was a bit of a dream where my cousin (newly wed) gave us presents. One of them was a lot of credit at a pet store for us to buy another dog. That's about it now.

Thursday, 20 January 2011

I know, low... not *that* low, though

I just went through the classes I'm taking this semester, looking who's in class with me. Alright, alright... I was looking for LesMisGuy and I'm thrilled to know I'm in at least 3 classes with him. It's pathetic. You know what's even more pathetic? I just looked it up, he's also teaching integral calculus.

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

LesMisGuy, gorgeous, how about if we actually talk next time?

So... last night's dreams... My mum woke me up and I had lunch, so I've forgotten a good deal. However, I remember LesMisGuy was in them. I remember there was this bit where I was on a boat in the sea, and I got out and swam for a bit. I talked with someone (cousins?) about fishing before we got back to the city (Ctg). In some other dream, I was in a cruise. A was there, and so was LesMisGuy, but I can't remember much about it. In another dream, I was with LesMisGuy in front of a tall house. He was working on something in his computer. I went upstairs to get whatever and came back down. There was also some part where I was sitting on a table with some girls, working on some essay I had to hand in, and LesMisGuy was at a table next to us, working on something else. I tried to ask him to come sit with us, but he wouldn't, so I just went to his table a couple of times, trying to brush against him for the sake of physical contact. In the last dream I remember I had to do something in a state office that gave information to citizens. Most people there were just asking for food recipes. Some asked about some ingredients (in particular, pine nuts). I remember someone passed roasted pine nuts with roasted corn, diced tomato and some herb. Nice combination, actually. I'd already been there to ask for some kind of document and I was there this time to go pick it up, or ask when it would be ready.

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

All but gone now...

I had a dream about my little one again. She was doing so much better. I always wonder if she couldn't by chance be alive, even though I know the vet cut her open to check her lungs.

In another dream, I was in a tropical island. I can't remember too much about it, but I remember a bear jumping into a pool of water I was in with someone else. Ok, I really don't remember much else about this one, even though I'm quite sure there was a lot more to it.

I know there was some dream involving LesMisGuy, as well as several other guys I know from university. I was at the junction of avenues right in front of the old farm that became a mall. I'm not sure that's actually relevant. I just can't remember anything.

There was also a dream that involved my social studies teacher in school, the one I hated. I'm not sure what about her, though.

I can't believe my dreams were this vague... I just woke up. Then again, my mum woke me up just as I'd started to dream again, so...

Monday, 17 January 2011

Danish cookies recipe

Only because I know I'll forget where I saved it (and under what name), I decided to put it down in the blog. I modified a recipe I found online and it turns out they're very much perfect danish cookies.

Ingredients:
- 250g of butter
- 1 cup of powdered sugar
- 2 eggs
- 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla
- cinnamon (dash)
- 1/4 teaspoon of salt
- nutmeg (dash)
- 1/2 teaspoon of orange zest
- 1/4 cup of cream
- 1/4 cup of corn starch
- 1 tablespoon (probably heaped elsewhere) of baking powder
- 2 3/4 cups of flour

1. Make sure the butter is at room temperature. Beat it and add the sugar until it's light and fluffy.
2. Beat in the eggs along with the salt and everything aromatic.
3. Sift the flour with the corn starch and baking powder. Add to the previous mix.
4. Shape the cookies and freeze them for 10-15min before popping them in a 180ºC oven.

Just for kicks I sprinkled them with nuts, chocolate chips and everything else I could find.

I'm shutting the blog down, making sure it's visible only to me. I'd hate to find people have stolen my recipe. In case I forget and decide to make it public again, here's a tip: bake the cookies and enjoy them, but don't reproduce my recipe without my consent.

Sunday, 16 January 2011

Wait, what?

So many crazy dreams last night...

The last one I remember, the one I woke up to, was one where there was a giant hot dog being built on train tracks. My uncle had asked me to work on it. I wanted to ask if I could make a dessert to go on the train tracks, after the hot dog. Not sure what he answered. He showed me a baseball cap. It was being sown and I was offered to finish it. It's strange, though, because the button on top had a huge piece inside which was quite uncomfortable, and there were some bits to be sown through from the design outside, stuck to folded strips of velcro on the inside, which were also uncomfortable if you had no hair.

There was another dream where there was a huge coniferous forest, and a gigantic fake grass (only really dark) carpet folded into a sort of flattened roll and put up against a wall. Some man and I walked down it to some place above the trees, but when we tried to get back I lost balance and made both of us fall. It was strange, though, how I could control the speed of my fall to avoid harm (we must've fallen at least 5-6m).

Not sure it's related to the dream above, but I found the transmilenio stations weren't working yet near university, so people just hopped on wherever on the street showing their cards. I'd been in the basement, studying with people. 4 and CtW were there. I'd done most of the work. We had to come up with questions (for an interview, perhaps?) and answers. CtW was particularly lazy, 4 kept writing things with quite terrible grammar and spelling. Some man/spirit/person/being mocked me, or maybe her. My parents had driven me there, and I called when I got out, hoping they'd be able to pick me up. I'm not sure why, but I was very upset and wanted them to go get me already. They said they couldn't make it for some reason, so I was stuck with transmilenio. I was out of cards so I had to go buy some, and when I did, I ended up inside the station, jumping into the first bus I saw. It was only later when I realised I had no idea where this one was going, so I made up my mind to get off at the first stop and try and work my way out from there. I'm not sure what happened there.

In another dream, maybe related to the one above, I was lost in the city and a family in a car picked me up, offered to give me a ride. They, however, were going straight to their place so I had to interrupt their conversation to ask where they'd be leaving me. As they drove me around I remember seeing a house with an ancient guitar and an ancient radio. There had been a quarrel between neighbours there.

That leaves a dream where I was in an apartment with a family. They were indigenous, or at least half indigenous. There were at least 3 women and a little girl, not sure I remember any men being present. Someone was after them, and the older woman (mother?) went out to deal with it. I tried to warn them, telling them the men outside would kill her. I was worried about the little girl, I didn't want her to see or hear any of it. They were quite alright with it, said there was no need to worry and the little girl would be fine with it. They were trying to get me to let things happen the way they were supposed to, and help the little girl understand that. When the woman was shot, it was me who was crying uncontrollably.

Saturday, 15 January 2011

Curious

I was out with A and AOB. We had sushi for dinner (care to venture a guess? I know the menu) and came over after that to play for a bit on the X box. We had a nice time. I'm a little surprised by it, actually. Just a couple of hours before meeting with them I had the dreadful feeling that AOB might ask about my little one, being so considerate (especially if he came over later). I don't want to talk about it. My parents came by the living room as I downloaded the miktex library again (this time the whole thing) and my mum got all annoying, they started telling me they love me so much, and she kissed me and hugged me and told me to clean up my room a bit. The whole interaction was annoying, not only because I don't like the kissing and hugging, or because it nags me that they have to complain about my room every time they see the door. I was thinking of my little one and how I wouldn't want to have to tell AOB about her because I wouldn't have the heart to and when my parents came by telling me they loved me I hated them and blamed them for letting her get that sick.

That being said, AOB didn't say a thing. Not even when we got here. I love him a little for it. I'm not sure he realised what my facebook status meant, or if he remembered it and put two and two together when he didn't see her here, or if he just assumed she was asleep in some of the rooms. I'm just glad he said nothing and love him for it.

Now, I'm not sure why, but if I had to venture a guess I'd imagine I go out so rarely I seem to make a special occasion out of it. I had this feeling that I might run into D. Not so much LesMisGuy, D. No particular reason for that, either. Now, thank my facebook stalking skills if any thanks are due... as AOB, A and I walked to the parking lot where AOB had his car I saw D's ex (the one I saw him kiss) with 5 or so people, one of them a guy (not D, I checked) she was holding hands with. Just for the sake of being right, because I didn't really process anyone other than the girl in the group, I sort of want to believe D might have been there. For no fucking good reason, either (except that maybe I sort of looked good today and the minor make up was perfect except for the mascara near the end). I don't even know what I'd want D to see me for. I should know better. I can't possibly expect any of the empowering dreams I had to have any truth to them, leave alone when we haven't seen each other in years.

That being said, there's only some minor news to keep track of. A is going away to Tx for a semester (fall), and AOB offered to introduce me to people he knows who go to USF (such a sweetheart).

Rooms and rows

I had these odd dreams last night. In one I was living in a fairly big apartment with at least another 10 people. We all slept in groups of 3-4 in the rooms' floors and we sort of got to choose the groups, so I asked LesMisGuy if he wouldn't mind being in mine. I remember he had some strange routine where he always woke up earlier than the rest of us and opened and shut the door 3 times (not in an OCD kind of way, he just left the room 3 times before we woke up). I'm not sure why, but I didn't want my parents to know I'd been sleeping in the same room with a guy (even if nothing happened).

In another dream I was with A, we were in a sort of mall that mixed with what was supposed to be school1. The school had set up rows of food. They were supposed to be there to donate to charity and people could come and leave a donation in money to go along with the money. Sometimes they grew corn, and there was a sandy earth tilled with corn growing. There were also strawberries, coconuts, papayas, and plantain (though these weren't growing, they just stored them in bags/boxes/shelves. A and I inquired about something we could eat for dessert and some men in uniform tried to contact other people in the mall to get us something. I can't remember if they did, we had someplace to get to.

In another dream I was in the house when A called and said she needed to go somewhere, so I got out and started walking with her up the street. We met with my sister along the way.

That's about it, I think.

Thursday, 13 January 2011

Haunt

I believe this is what is commonly referred to as haunting. I had a dream of my little one again. Only this time she was hypoxic, her eyes white and her pupils dilated. I even had enough time to realise I hadn't actually seen her die and it probably meant she actually hadn't. I'll go mad if these don't stop.

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

What's with these dreams?

I had this dream last night where I was in a pool/jacuzzi doing... well, I can't remember but there was a hammer involved. D was nearby, doing something too. It was oddly comfortable to know I could work right in front of him and be totally cool about it. It was also strange how he didn't seem to notice me. It was even stranger when you consider that as I walked out, he was lying around in a pool with a bottle of white wine, and I got a craving for a cup of wine, so I walked to the bottle. D acted like a little boy, so excited to see me, and asking that I stick around. I could see no harm in it so I did. I'm not sure what happened. Maybe we just talked for a bit while I had two glasses of wine. It was actually nice.

There was also this other dream where I was with people from maths, and the sweet gay guy and CtW had written a letter to us all, saying goodbye. I also remember the sweet gay guy pasting shiny crystals to fancy watches to make them prettier.

In another dream, there was something about a train where I got on and off and there were at least 5 people I met in the train as part of some sort of game. I had to "meet them all". So strange...

Then there was a dream with some of The Big Bang Theory's characters. And there was a dream where I was playing cards but there was a woman in charge of counting how many sets of 7 I managed to make instead of just letting me count in the end.

I'm still a little surprised to be dreaming of D. Even more so to dream that he's so excited to see me. It's empowering. Even more so that I'm so cool about it. It's just so strange, and relieving...

Writing got me thinking got me writing

Now I'm feeling this urge to talk to EBF, you know? I want to start a conversation I know I won't end well, I want to tell him so much... I even went through some backwards N1 logic a while ago. I'm figuring that if it's so bad to just get the "have I told you yet...?" I'd better tell him about my going away and about LesMisGuy and my little one and... well, fuck-all, I know, but still. Those 3 are fairly big news and I really want to tell him only I don't have the heart to. So, what does my mind do? I start thinking of sending him an e-mail telling him all about it and explaining a thing or two about this blog (apparently, I still intend to tell him about it, if only so he can see the conversations I kept thinking of having but had no one to have with). It would seem I'm big on it, so I'll just go ahead and write an attempt at a letter, even if it doesn't really reach him because, what gives? I'm not studying anyway.

Dearest,

(In my thoughts he's always "dearest", just like LesMisGuy is now "gorgeous"... then again I probably would just start with the message, I never called him dearest and he wouldn't get the Sense and Sensibility reference)

I know, long time no talk. Not exactly your fault, I know. I know you've tried. I even had this dream I just remembered where you went away and missed me and wished we could talk like we used to, you know? That was a year, maybe two, ago. At the time I just told myself not to be silly. This isn't the sort of thing you solve, or fix, for that matter. You outgrew me. I'm not sure you realised. I was hurt, bitter and ashamed of it so I decided to keep my distance so I can just be lonely, which I'm more comfortable with. I even got mad at the little gestures, seeing them as "too little, too late" acts of hypocrisy. I suppose they weren't, not at heart... Like I said, not your fault.

Not much is new, really, but I do have big news (very much the only ones). In this order, this is how I came to know of them: I'm leaving the country, I have a new crush (which sort of makes me finally done missing D, not that you'd care much), and my little one died.

I'm leaving because my aunt and uncle in Tmp have offered to pay for my studies there, which becomes a bit of a mess with my studies here because I fucked up too many credits to be able to graduate before I leave, but I'll have to make do, somehow. It seems I'm leaving sometime around August. Something tells me I just won't be able to miss you getting back and I don't want that to be awkward. I don't want anything to happen then. I don't want to meet you. Like I said, bitter, sad and ashamed. You don't need to see it. Suffice it to say I'm leaving. It seems rude to just leave and not tell you because I figure maybe once you're back you'll want to go out and I can't tell you I won't make it because I'm out of the country. You had the courtesy to tell me you were leaving before you actually left, so the least I can do is be polite, right?

As for the new crush, it's strange... It's a guy I've been in class with since first semester. I realised he existed but never made much of it. Last semester we had almost all classes together. I got to know what his name was (only just last semester, I know). Near the end of the semester I noticed he looked my way a bit more often than I was comfortable with, so, as usual with this sort of thing, I freaked out and got really paranoid. But then I had the good sense to be flattered rather than disgusted. Then I remembered R1 and felt sorry that I couldn't like this guy back. I started to realise he was a truly great guy. Then, without really noticing it, I started liking him.

That leaves my little one. I know you wouldn't really understand, I know you wouldn't care too much. It's a big deal to me regardless. She had these mammary tumors. Some were removed right away. Maybe you got to notice when she became asymmetrical. Then some more grew back. Before we got to remove one that was growing like crazy something went off with her uterus, she got a nasty infection. I was still in class so my mum was the one to take her to the vet those times. I asked about the tumor but my mum said the vet had told her we could wait it out for months, that it would be easier to remove once it got bigger. Then it got bigger. A whole lot bigger. I was waiting until I could afford surgery when my dad said he'd pay for it if needed be. So we took her for surgery, but the vet found tumors in her ovaries and decided to perform a hysterectomy instead. I nursed her back to health. Then, right after Christmas it got bad. Really bad. In a matter of days she couldn't even breathe. We had to put her down. I held her and went without sleeping or eating for a fairly long time. I'm still not over it. I still can't fall asleep out of anything other than exhaustion because I don't have her snores to lull me to sleep. I blame myself, of course. And my mother. And the vet for not giving us the heads up on how bad it was, letting me think she could get better.

... Right... So, I gotta get a grip. I can't go on writing about my little one. You can tell it's bad. I can guess you don't really want to hear about it. So, that leaves an address. An address to a blog I've been writing. A blog is a fairly generic title. It's a webpage hosted by Google's servers where I write down as much as I can remember of my dreams, type my rants to let off some steam, and keep track of realisations and random musings. A good deal of it is stuff I would've told you about, stuff I would've wanted to talk about but had no one to tell about. So, don't take this so much as "here are the conversations I didn't start" when I gave up. Take this as a "what gives?". Don't read too much into any of it. You could probably do without reading any of it. It goes in regardless because I'm almost done caring, I think.

That's it, I think. There you go. I even cried writing about my little one. I'm such a wuss. And not over it. And a mess. And unlikely to remember to wake up early to make my schedule. Shit. That's it.

Because I'm feeling petty is fucking why

It had been a while, I think. It's not that bad, though, I think. I couldn't help myself and noticed 2 things: the first is that D's new facebook profile picture (all hipster-like) is fucking awesome and makes it hard to ignore, even if I can't enlarge it; the second is that I noticed EBF's online (or was about 15min ago, anyway). Then, because I couldn't help myself, I went and looked through blogger posts to keep tabs. It would seem the last we spoke was something like a month ago. Before that, the time lapse was in the order of 2.5 months. I wasn't going to, but I'm going to keep one mor tab and check again just to see how long it was before that. Hold, please.
...
...
...

About a month. Hold, please.
...
...
...

Week or so? Hold, please.
...
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...

About a month again. Hold, please.
...
...
...

Ok, I may have lost the thread there...

Seriously, though? It feels like forever and yet it turns out it's just a month or so between talks. Wait, I'm feeling stubborn. I'm checking again the messaging history, no blog posts this time.... But it turns out they're not a very reliable source, apparently most conversations weren't even saved. Oh well, never mind. Only I do mind... hold on again..... Nope, it seems the tags aren't too accurate. There are references to conversations I can't seem to find record of.

It only goes to prove I'm probably a bit more insane than I realise I am. Right... And I'm supposed to be studying in case I take that fucking exam soon. Fuck. Fuck. I can't get a grip, can I? I'm still doing quite good, being rational about the whole thing. I even understand where this outburst comes from, I think. I'm faced with having decided to text LesMisGuy on Friday and I'm just not sure to face rejection if it slaps me on the face then, not even if I have a back up plan with A and AOB. So I think about more rejection? I don't know anymore... I suppose I'm thinking of the last shreds of human contact available to me.

The fact that I had to use my experience being friends with EBF (why did I just sense a whiff of his scent just under my nose? ... Disturbing...) to advise N1 doesn't help matters, either. I went back and broke down what it was like to get to truly know someone. I went back and thought of how you make a habit out of talking, but for a good time it didn't feel like we were supposed to, or we had to talk. I thought of how silences don't need to be awkward, and how some actions become meaningful. I thought of how I haven't deleted EBF's texts from my cellphone even though I told N1 to delete the ones from the fireman. I thought about how much like a boyfriend he sort of was, and what an unfortunate choice of letters I made when I titled him EBF. I think of how much I miss him sometimes, and how much I'd like to talk to him and ask for his advice. I try and remember it never leads to much more than a bitter taste in my mouth and poison dripping down my fingertips as I type to relieve the tension. Right... So, back to topology... Shall I?

Monday, 10 January 2011

Back up plan

So, AOB and I have agreed we'll go out on Friday night if possible. It only hit me later that I'm supposed to text LesMisGuy on Friday. I realised it's probably best this way. I get to tell LesMisGuy to meet me not too far from where I'm meeting AOB and A, and if he doesn't show or something goes wrong, I'll have them to fall back on. I doubt things would go that well, but if they do I could always ask LesMisGuy to join us for dinner. It could be fun. They're all nice people, right? I'm way ahead of myself, aren't I? I've even considered a case scenario where LesMisGuy has a girlfriend who shows up instead of him and makes a scene. In that case, it would be so easy to avoid if I could just call A and/or AOB and ask where they are, see if I can get them to arrive early. Oh dear... I really am a mess... It's likely enough LesMisGuy will be busy and/or would rather not go out with me, so I really need to stop thinking of what it would be like if he were interested. I don't know that yet. The whole point of the text is to find out. Ok? Ok.

TV shows?

I had some fairly crazy dreams...

In one I was a judge for Top Chef and there were few contestants left. Two women, a fat big man, another man, and then a tanned, dark haired man. They'd all fucked up fairly bad and I had to take over the kitchen and help them get things out. One had made a pizza but all slices except for two were stuck. Another had made mashed potatoes but they had spilled all over the oven. Then there were several desserts, and I can't remember much else. This time they all got to choose someone (the tanned guy with black hair) to go home by voting. One of the women, a tiny, feisty, blonde pain in the ass got them all to do it. I was so upset I ended up yelling at them. I told them they'd all fucked up a lot worse than he had and they had no good reason to vote him out of the show, but they were all together on it and I couldn't do a thing about it. I seem to remember LesMisGuy being there as a jury, perhaps. He didn't say anything, though.

In another dream I'd gone to Trinidad just after AOB got back here and I'd ended up in some really poor neighbourhoods. I was like a UN representative, and I was hoping to get several countries to help out, but only N1 and maybe someone else agreed to help out. The others were silent.

Then there's a dream where I was in a city that might've been New York and there was a chinese festival going on with a dragon going about the streets and everything.

There's also a dream where there was a flood in a tiny city and the children there had tried to get some of the things to stop from going away with the water by holding them back with a rope and a stick that had somehow gotten stuck in the middle of the water. It was posed as me with people from school1 solving math problems for children. I was chosen to solve the first one, which was the with the children. It wasn't very easy to solve, because I had no idea how much strength was needed to hold back anything, though I'd done the math and figured they had 95 units of some form of strength in their favour. It wasn't enough, I'm afraid.

There was another dream where there were a prince and a princess who rode about in a carriage that was moved by strategically (read, magically) flowing rivers. Radcliffe from Pocahontas was there and so was some other man. They were both quite dirty and refused to wash their hands.

I remember some vague images of beaches someplace in Mexico, fairly white, but with grass growing next to the beach. I'm sure it was also for a cooking show but I can't remember anything about it.

Sunday, 9 January 2011

And I thought I was socially crippled

I've been talking with N1 and her naïveté and ignorance sometimes just plain befuddles me. Goodness... The fact that her mum is as dramatic as she is doesn't help matters one bit. She decided to give up on the firefighter guy because he hasn't texted her all day today and didn't really want to talk much yesterday. I'm pretty much sure that's about it. She argued she had the feeling that maybe she doesn't mean that much to him, but I figure she's making a lot of things up along the way. She doesn't have much evidence to back her claims, though I reckon her gut instinct is probably reading on body language she's refusing to recognise. I don't really care much whether or not she stays with the firefighter, at this point. I'd like her to meet people, and have boyfriends, and have friends to go out with in any order.

I talked her into deleting his messages and hiding his posts from her facebook newsfeed. I talked her into re-wiring her brain so she wouldn't think of him so much. I told her she doesn't have that much to hold on to and she'll be fine as soon as she realises she's been making a lot of this up in her head and lets go of the fantasies. She seemed to be taking my advice. But then she went and said she ought to tell him she's letting go of him. Why would anyone do that? She argued she felt terrible when he stopped talking to her and he deserved some sort of notice. But I'm confident that there's a social contract where you simply have less contact with that person until there's no contact at all and you consider you're done letting go of them. People get the message. There's no need to give them a heads up. Where on earth would she get such notions? I can't believe she's so used to living in that tiny bubble that even such basic social interactions are a mystery to her. I'm truly quite sorry for her, I thought I was socially awkward and incredibly unaware of the ways of the world, but I find she's even worse off and that's just sad.

Wow... Just wow...

Dream remix

I had such strange dreams, mixing up so many different things...

In one dream I was friends with some guys, ad we re-visited school2, but there were guards, so I hid in a pool and did my best not to seem too alive there. I'm not sure what happened after that, but my shoes (which I'd taken off at some point as we moved around) were gone.

In another dream AOB had asked me to help him hook up with a girl I was in class with. Small, thin, not-that-pretty, black hair, tan. So one day I arrive to the class I'm in with her about an hour late, and there are so few people around, but I was chosen as her partner for the day so I sit with her. And she makes the confession, she's madly in love with AOB, so I smile to myself and try and think of when I'm going to tell AOB. But then AOB arrives to the class with some orange girl (I believe that's what offended me the most, really) and starts making out with her mid class, which broke the other girl's heart a little. When the class was over I walked out with the girl and AOB came after us and started talking to me ignoring the other girl until she felt so left out she just took the first chance she could to say goodbye. I talked to AOB, told him about how the girl had a crush on him and how I was upset that he'd changed her for an orange girl, of all things. He seemed indifferent. I then started walking with him on these grassy slopes with some water running through them. I'm not sure if this somehow evolved to the dream I wrote above this one.

In another dream, there was a group of 5 people, one of them Malfoy, another Susan Sarandon, one really huge and dull, another a baby, another tall. They were up to no good and supposed to be friends. At some point Malfoy went through torture, though I can't remember why, and when it's shown that they had a boss (Jane Lynch, or Sue Sylvester, as the case may be) Malfoy explains he actually enjoyed it. The tall guy got into a fight with the others and somehow ended up dead, he was smart and picked up on the fact that things weren't going as he thought they would. After some minor battle, Sue told them all to wait in a wooden cabin while she took care of business. She came out into a small apartment that also acted as police station where my aunt MT and I were. She came out with another woman/girl who may or may not have been Susan Sarandon. Sue acted as a sort of Voldemort, and my aunt MT was a sort of Dumbledore. Sue offered a berry pie. I cut and served the first slice and took it to the police station kitchen. There was a hanged man and a police officer there who seemed to be looking for a snack. So I warned him and told him the pie was for Malfoy and came from Sue, so he shouldn't even think about eating it. I went back to my aunt and Sue, and my aunt was having some pie so I started nibbling the one I had. Next thing I know, the policeman I'd warned came out, slowly (and very painfully) turning into a wheelchair (because it's the last thing he touched before the transformation, I think). I spit out what pie was in my mouth and my aunt stopped eating too. Then my aunt pointed out how Sue had been eating butterscotch candy, and hinted at having put a spell on those too. Sue and the other women started bloating and turning into tennis balls. As soon as they walked into the balcony, it was a matter of pushing them a little to make them float and get lost in the sky. Sue yelled she wasn't defeated and would find a way to get back at my aunt MT.

Then there's a short variation of that scene, only the evil woman was now Malificent and she was talking to a guy who'd have to fight her in a tower at night. He had to use a flashlight to see Maleficent, though she could see him without any help.

In another dream I was with a girl in university (new economy building) and with several people from the maths department. Apparently we'd set up a small business and things were doing great, so we somehow ended up in a huge room with a very long flight of stairs climbing at least 3 floors straight through midair, and another flight of stairs leading to a bathroom. There was a very long and growing queue of people wanting to buy things from our business. Most resembled girls from school1, and after a while I noticed a lot of them trying to get into the bathroom to get ready and ending up fighting. There was a loud noise, like that of something falling and hitting the ground, and it was a signal for people to start getting in. I was in charge of giving girls manicures, and I was on this little table by myself. My first customer arrived and I couldn't find everything I wanted at first, until I found a scrub that ended up looking more like tiny dog food than a real scrub, and a water fountain where you could adjust the temperature so I could get some hot water to loosen her cuticles. Quite frankly, the girl looked bored and annoyed at my lack of experience. But I don't remember much other than scrubbing her hands and putting some hot water in a small plastic bowl.

Saturday, 8 January 2011

Desserts

I had a restless night. Kept waking up. I only remember one dream, then. One where we were at my uncle's place (which really was a lot like the apartment we lived in by the beach), and I'd baked at least 4-5 pies/cheesecakes/similar desserts. They were different flavors and I remember the children were deciding whether to eat the orange or lemon or some other fruit flavored ones (first, they thought they would have room for more, even though the slices were really huge).

There were two working men, and gifts were being shouted out. At some point they sort of ignored the gifts brought by the working men so they had to shout and call people to stay around while they were given out. I also remember we'd gotten everyone sweaters, including my uncle. He didn't feel like trying his on, so my dad did, and my dad talked and talked about how he should keep the sweater until my uncle gave him the ok saying it wasn't a "good brand" sweater anyway. My mum and I were appalled by my dad's behaviour. At some point, I got into the kitchen with the eldest and youngest of my cousins.

It's strange... there were 4 bird cages with parakeets in them and when I asked it was the middle cousin who said she'd bought them for company, to break the silence a little. I was asked to help make another dessert, they said there would be a meeting soon and they'd need more desserts. I was a little mad, and argued they couldn't possibly need it, but helped them anyway. I was trying to make a custard, which I remembered being able to do in just minutes of whisking over heat.

I whisked some of the ingredients cold and it didn't set (of course), so I asked my sister to help me out by putting some water in one of the pots lying about and put it to boil. I just needed the vapor, I explained. I even helped light the furnaces, but as I whisked and the mix slowly thickened, suddenly everything in the pots started burning and I couldn't get my sister to react quickly enough and put out the fires and leave the pots in the sink. The mix came out lumpy, but it didn't seem to matter. There was a bowl full of all different kinds of fruit (including pomegranate with the peel on), which I mixed in with the little custard I'd made and I asked for some cream that had been set aside. Just as I was about to ask for some honey, I woke up.

Friday, 7 January 2011

I wonder how long I can keep this up

I had a dream last night, not with my little one, but with another dog who was just like her (black and white). We even lay in bed together for a while. I tried walking her out but she got into one of the neighbour's house and I had to ask the loud and annoying little girl to fetch her out for me.

On other dreams... well, I can't remember much. I didn't really sleep through. I kept falling in and out of consciousness. I know there was one where I was in a restaurant where my parents had been having dinner/lunch. I really can't remember any of it... Oh well...

I know, not exactly a good excuse

I'm trying to study topology and can't concentrate. Rather than try and study with some more light in the room and changing the music to songs I can't sing along to, I'm blogging. Because I just can't be bothered, it seems. I went out with A today. We went to a place that's actually a bakery-turned-restaurant. Great concept. Pretty good, actually. Much like the name indicates, they bake sweet pastr. Unlike you'd be tempted to assume, they're not all filled with the usual sweet fillings. They're not even all sweet. They've got it all from ratatouille, to prosciutto and tilsit, and as far as the sweet ones go, they've got passion fruit and chocolate chips (I'm amazed no one had gone out and made the passion fruit combination before in restaurant's I've been to), strawberries and nutella, and marshmallows with lemon pie filling. Awesomeness on a plate for just over twice the price of a regular pastry. Kind of expensive for pastries, really cheap for a meal. The drinks were fairly expensive, though. A glass of juice cost as much as a meal, which if you ask me is really just ridiculous. That aside, it was a nice place. Nice paintings on the walls, lovely handcrafted hearts hanging from the ceiling, and if you'll ignore the somewhat tipsy table we got stuck with, the furniture was alright. A and I walked out having had two pastries and two drinks each paying what we'd pay for just a main course elsewhere. Sweet deal, huh?

As for the conversation, it was ok. No awkward silences. I got some of the latest gossip about people from school2. Ok, so maybe just about how the guys are pathetic scumbags and how J2 and Cq have resorted to picking up girls downtown. Girls who study at the community college. Girls who fall for the fact that J2 and Cq have money and study in a well-to-do university. Girls who may probably include the girl who helped out with the cleaning when my aunt A was here. Yikes.

At some point she mentioned how she'd given up facebook for two months just so she could avoid a girl she used to be friends with but got mad at because she hit on Dg. Not sure I've mentioned him before and I really can't be bothered to go through all posts containing that combination. Guy from school2, friends with A, classroom gossip. They had a drunken make out session where he asked her to be his gf and she refused. It was awkward "ever since", only they've managed to be cool again. They're almost like a couple now. They always go out together and unlikely to turn up to events without the other. A didn't say anything else, but I wonder if she's hinting at something possibly happening. We'll see. It may take little other than drinks and opportunity. Now, my point was going at the fact that she argued with a friend for hitting on Dg after he and A fell apart. A resented it. She was so mad after love and friendship day when her friend went out of her way to greet all of A's friends she flipped. I had no idea that's why she'd closed facebook. She'd given me a much more abstract "idk" when I asked before.

It brought the last conversation with EBF to mind. I couldn't help but mention I was mad at him for having talked to me, quite so opportunistically (A remarked on that too, I tried to say it may have just been coincidence but we both know that's what I think too). I was even more mad at the way he said goodbye. A understands I see this as an act of hypocrisy. She understands I can tell hypocrisy for what it is and not care about it, and she understands why it upsets me so that EBF would use it indiscriminately knowing I'm not the kind of person who tolerates such behaviours. She agreed with me that if we're only talking for a while every so many months we're not really friends and he doesn't get to called me "adored". Especially if he says something as stupid as telling me I should go to China. For what? Goodness! And then I got stuck having to congratulate him on his birthday, because how could I not? She understood. In a very selfish way, I guess, it was nice to tell her and have her agree with me. She may have a bias against EBF and no version of the story other than mine, but still.

As an odd reminder, though, it's weird how when we talked about how I can't talk on the phone for long periods of time (this time I didn't bring up the subject of EBF, I find I tend to limit it when I'm around A, which seems sensible, I suppose) she said it's weird that she can't talk for long now because she used to. She casually ask if I remembered we used to talk on the phone for long periods of time. We didn't. We had lengthy-ish conversations once she left and I got stuck behind. We had longer conversations about D. We never spoke on the phone, not for long periods of time (if at all, really) when we were in Ctg. She talked to N1 on the phone for long periods of time. I mentioned it and we both changed the subject. I guess the whole get-together was a reminder of what our friendship is really like.

She drove me here and came in so we could talk a while longer. We talked to N1 for a bit. When A left N1 and I talked some more. I told N1 about R1 having a crush on me while we were in school, and how I found out through my mum, who found out through teachers, who found out because he borrowed the same books I borrowed from the library. I told her she was not to say a word to anyone. I told her I've been wanting to apologize to R1 ever since I realised it's not quite alright to be as freaked out when guys like me as I am. I told her this because I somehow got on the subject of how unnatural it is for me to be alright with a man fancying me. After some more chit chat, N1 asked if A was still around before she felt safe telling me that she doesn't' think A gives good advice. She said A seemed too indifferent. Truth is, A is annoyed by N1's rantings and will cut her out as often as she can. A even said I'm too nice for talking as much as I do with N1 about her firefighter guy. We both agree N1's not being very reasonable, but she's a bit less encouraging than I am because she sees it more as a matter of squirrel logic than N1 and I do. I'm sensible enough, I think, to let N1 know that there's plenty of squirrel logic in what she has with the firefighter. But I like to believe, like her, that there's hope and that maybe if she gets to know him better they'll be happy together.

It's weird how I'm even a bit overprotective and try to warn her of this guy even though I don't know him. I'm somehow assuming he's at least as much of a jerk as D was to me and try to warn her that guys will take her virginity as a challenge and most everything as a game. I told her she shouldn't get all dramatic in conversation, I told her actions speak louder than words. I've told her it's alright to feel the way she does, even though I've tried to explain it with science (any at all is more than she's willing to hear, though). I've talked her into meeting more men and making choices rather than leaving everything to divine providence. I've tried to make her understand that her virginity shouldn't be as big a deal as she makes of it sometimes and that a good guy will find a way (masturbate his way) to stay true to her and respect her beliefs.

It's my belief, though, that she'll throw all of that out the window once she's in the heat of the moment because I'm fairly sure she's already too horny. I worry and tell her not to do so much as kiss him on the date she's about to have with him (most likely Saturday). I tell her she'll grow more attached than he will and she'll be more hurt if things don't work out. I tell her she doesn't really know him. I tell her she's got so much more than kisses to express caring and affection. I tell her she doesn't have so much other than kisses if she'll stop at sex. I intend to ask her just how far she's willing to go before marriage and sex. I'll try and remember later tonight. For now, I'll try to change the music, read a little. At least try to work through the proofs given in this chapter.

So much for news then.

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Can't help but write it as I think of it: I want to dream of my little one again. I'd like to believe she'll be even better along in her recovery in the next dream. I'd like to believe she's still out there somewhere, actually doing better.