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Thursday, 30 December 2010

A title? Make one up, can't be bothered

Two tid bits of dreams from last night:

In one, I was with L1 who had a dog, a male dog very similar to my little one. I noticed it had bumps and sores in his belly, just like my little one and did my best to warn L1 about it, saying she might still be on time. Not really related, she had this coffee table and she had put on the legs herself, which had resulted in two of them facing the wrong way and a few quirky "there I fixed it"s including the sole of a shoe nailed on one of the legs. I helped her put the legs back on better, if not actually right. Can't remember if it actually helped at all.

In another dream I was in the classroom I used to take latin in, also numerical analysis and German. There were at least 20 people in there. As I walked out (I'm suddenly remembering LesMisGuy tripping over the trash can.... back to the dream) I could see D standing by the wall and made up my mind. I had given up on LesMisGuy, so I figured I'd try and brush my hand against D's as I walked out. As I realised we were a bit too far apart and I wouldn't be able to pull it off without being too obvious he held my hand instead. Can't remember what happened after that.

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Mourning

My little walrus,
My sweet one,
My little pony,
My cherished one,
My little cow,
My cowardly one,
My little crocodile,
My hairy one,
My little bundle of joy,
My cuddly one,
My little personal space invader,
My little one...

Gone!

Stop all the watches and stop all the clocks! I can't remember how the poem goes. All I know is I have no mind to tell people, even though I know I should leave A a message, if only out of courtesy. I've been crying almost nonstop for over a day, and I've had only 5 or so hours of sleep in the last three days, all two nights ago. When we brought her home from the vet yesterday, he gave us medicine to last 10 days. A little something for her heart, a little something for her lungs to clear up a bit, a little something to help her calm down, a little something for the fever and the infections, yet some more for the pain. She hadn't slept in 3 days. My poor little one... She couldn't lie down, so she didn't, and she just panted away night and day, falling over from exhaustion ever so often only to get up again once she realised she wasn't getting enough oxygen.

I keep blaming myself for it, somewhat. I stayed up all night with my mum in my room. She insisted I shouldn't be left alone with my little one. I woke her up a couple of times to ask for her opinion on when it would be not that early to call the vet and ask for advice on helping her get some rest, and whether or not to give her the heart medication 5 hours early. She kept saying it was terrible to see her suffering like that. If I hadn't woken her up she wouldn't have a chance to say that as often, or to discuss it with the vet. I just did my best to seem as little menacing as possible (instincts kicked in and got my little one paranoid), guess when she wanted water and try and coax her into eating something whenever I wasn't trying to figure out and test ways to make her more comfortable. At 5:30am I just couldn't wait any longer so we called the vet. He said it was inevitable, she was too baldy off, and we'd be stuck having to make a heroic decision (his choice of words). My mum and my dad went straight for talking about how miserable she was, and I could do nothing but shake and sob as I held her. I could've stopped this somehow, she was too young.

She hadn't eaten anything since the day before yesterday morning. She ate tiny bits of danish sugar cookies I offered, but couldn't be tempted to try corn flakes, or her dog food. She did, through much coaxing, drink quite a bit of the soup I made for her. Around midnight I told my mum we could give her some yogurt, as it would keep her from getting ulcers if she took the pills on an empty stomach. I remembered A's dad mentioning yogurt was ok for dogs, though milk wasn't. I didn't check for reasonable quantities online before giving it to her. As my mum spoon-fed her, she was so eager to eat it we let her eat the whole cup. It figures she was only supposed to try a tablespoon or two. It is all just as well. Her last meal, as my mum set it up was some more yogurt, but come the morning she didn't want to eat anything.

My mum insisted and made me breakfast, which I tried sharing with my little one. I broke off a piece of bread and upon her refusal to join me, I refused to have breakfast altogether. I didn't even want to shower before we got back from the vet, because I'd made a vow not to leave her, not for a waking moment if I could help it. The worst part is she tried her best to cheer us up and look healthy when we petted her (which caused her to gasp out for air a couple of times when my dad petted her and figured he was doing her well because she wasn't breathing heavily... she wasn't breathing at all!). It seemed to me that she was saying and trying to prove to us that she could still be a good dog and make us happy, you know? She even got a little temperamental when I said nothing to my parents' request for permission (they really just informed me that's what we were doing) in order to put her down. She turned her back on me and went to my sister and my mum to be petted. When I cried because I plain couldn't help myself, though, she cuddled (to the best that she could) next to me, placing her head or a paw on my leg.

By the time we got on the car she didn't even want to poke her head out the windows. She just settled in the floor, opposite from me. When we parked and stood in wait for the vet, she lay on my legs and finally gave in to exhaustion, refusing to get up for air even though she visibly (her tongue was turning blue was running out of it. When we got her in and on the vet's table, her pupils were dilated from the lack of oxygen, she was a little bit at a loss and wheezing rather than panting. The vet cut some of the hair on her right front paw, put in a needle, let her bleed some and I hope he used some anesthesia because as I held my little one's head, whimpering she'd be ok and it would all be over soon, she shook quite violently in her last attempts to breathe. Her eyes turned cloudy and I couldn't look at her anymore so I just held her head in my arms and rested my head against hers until the nurse told me to go away so the doctor performed an autopsy. I didn't want to leave until I was sure she was gone, I'd made that silent promise, not to leave her. I could feel the life wheezing out of her, but I wanted to be there when it was all over, if only so her last few moments of consciousness were in company.

The autopsy revealed the tumors had metastasized to her lungs, which were also filled with fluids. Considering she was already too tired to try and breathe on her own, the vet stated she would have died today anyway and it was truly best to put her out of her misery as soon as possible.

All I know is every time I think I'm done crying I start crying some more. I might get ulcers from having taken acetaminofen without any food in my stomach (I also refused to eat last night) but I'm glad I don't have a headache from all the crying. I miss her when I'm lying in bed, wishing she was here to curl up into a ball and take my right arm as her pillow and forcing me to type with my left hand. I'll miss her when I'm eating and refuse to eat anything she would've liked me to share with her. I miss her when I open the door to the house thinking of washing my hands to say hello. I'll miss her when I go to sleep and can't be lulled by the sound of her breathing or kept warm by her body against my back. I'll miss her for company when I'm doing homework, getting jealous of the computer and walking over it to claim her rightful attention. I'll miss her so much, all the time.


To my little one
July 29th, 2003 - December 28th, 2010



[11:45pm edit:]
A sort of numbness has swept in and taken over me. I seem to blank things out when I'm not desperately wondering if she was still conscious when I moved away.

I've slept maybe six hours. A couple when we got back, which left me awfully giddy (I could feel the computer screen get bigger as I got lost in the text I tried to read when I told A via messenger). I nibbed at the chocolate pastry my dad left on my nightstand but I couldn't eat any of it. My mum called and I told her I was dizzy, which she blamed on hyperventilation and I'd assume includes the lack of sleep and food. She told me to eat something. My aunt MT called to say she was sorry as well as my other aunt (mother to my twin cousins). When my aunt MT called she must've already talked with my mother, as she suggested I eat something salty as well as raise my feet higher than my head. I ate some prosciutto (what was left in the bag), drank the coca cola my dad had left for me, and went to sleep. I woke up sometime in the afternoon, when my parents got back from Sbchq, but decided to stay asleep a while longer. I woke up again later in the afternoon, around 4, and had a tamal (awfully depressing to think of leaving some leftovers for my little one and being stuck having to eat the whole thing), some odd dessert made with cheese and pineapple, and a roscon. I had another glass of coca cola which should up the calorie count for the day, but I can't be bothered to eat anything, not that my parents didn't try and coax me into doing so.

I resent them patting my back, sitting next to me, holding my hair and trying to be "there for me". I don't want their company. My company consisted solely of my little one. And she's gone. They don't get to butt in and try to invade my personal space. She was the only one allowed. It feels... sacrilegious...

Monday, 27 December 2010

Right... fuck

So... turns out my question regarding LesMisGuy's silence has already been answered in guyspeak (back in Swaim days). The answer makes reasonable sense: if he's interested and I've shown some interest myself, even a shy guy will go for it. If a guy is interested, he'll show up (or in my case, text back). Right... so... that's a no, he was just being nice. I'll say nothing and do nothing. Maybe we'll meet again sometime in class, maybe we won't. Everything points at the fact that he won't really care. Shit.


Fuck.


This is why I could really use some friends.

Sunday, 26 December 2010

Not looking good

I....

The guy at the vet's place showed us an x-ray of my little one. It doesn't look good. On the one hand, there's the fact that he didn't take the x-ray right, but on the other, there are things that should be showing (her lungs) which aren't. That could mean one of several things, none of them a particularly bright prospect: for one, the tumors may have metastasized (as I fear) in which case we'd have to wait and see how bad it is and whether or not it can be operated; if not, it could be fluid in her lungs (also bad news), a theory that makes sense with her breathing better in certain positions (and also the bad news I'm rooting for, as it seems the least bad diagnosis); if neither is the case, it could also be that her abdomen is filled with pus and is pushing into her lungs, which is a terrible infection to treat. I didn't even want to call to find out. I knew I'd have to go. I didn't want to hear the news. When we were leaving I could feel my eyes begin to water and I had to try and keep calm in the car, which didn't really help much. I still had to take some time in the bathroom and then some more in my room to break down and cry.

It's terrible because I keep remembering my "try not to cry" techniques from my breakups with D and how little they work, but worse still because I keep blaming myself for not catching on earlier so it didn't get this bad, or not pushing my parents into having the tumor removed sooner. I blame my mother for telling me the vet had said it was ok to wait for the tumor to grow some more (until January), even when I pushed. I blame both my parents for putting up the money excuse (even more so knowing they could afford to wait a little longer to buy the stupid television).

If things don't go well, and my little one dies, I'll have no one! And it's all a little worse because sometimes I'm betting her life against a chance to be with LesMisGuy and it's all just so wrong! Thank goodness for N1, because I get to tell her a thing or two and she seems to be so hopeful and cheerful all the time, but it's not enough. I'll miss the company!

Little one, please get better! Heal! Let it just be the easiest ill to cure! Let her get well! Please?

[12:30pm edit, next day]
I just called to check on my little one. They tell me her lungs and heart are in pretty bad shape. A chronic problem. That means she doesn't get better, she only stops getting worse. And as it stands, it's really bad. See? This is why I would've rather had my mum call. She's the one who insisted I call. I can't blame her for the bad news. I just hate it that she makes it all my responsibility. It adds to the blame... We're to go by the vet sometime after 4. There's no knowing yet if we'll be allowed to bring her back just yet. She's being given several medicines to help her breathe. The guy at the vet's place even said she'll never be the little one she once was again. I don't like him, even if it's wrong to hate the messenger more than the message.

Lil one

My little one's kept me up all night. She has been breathing heavily, having trouble exhaling and stopping to cough every so often. I had a bizarre dream where I was with others, trying to trap 3 beings with magnetic powers. To do so, we got them in a tube-like maze with a floor made out of something with carbon that was meant to make their powers useless, and a vortex every so often to make sure they couldn't get out on their own. One of them managed, though. He stood in front of a door and thought long and hard about what was special about him. Somehow, watching late-night cinemax created a diversion that allowed him to get through the door or somehow evade our system. He seemed harmless enough, though, as he explained all this.

Friday, 24 December 2010

Early

Christmas ended early today. Sometime around 10, to be more accurate. I was at my aunt's shop all day today. When we were done there we got here, I helped finish the sauce, we had dinner, opened a couple of presents, and I excused myself as soon as I could arguing I needed some sleep (which I do, incidentally). The food wasn't that good, the pork was tender but bland and the veggies tasted funny. My dad bought (himself) a new television, a computer for my sister (which I reckon she needed), and a wrist-watch. The other presents we already know about. I won't delve much into why my dad bought those, or why I think he was using Christmas as a terrible excuse to drink (and be loud and annoying, and display awful table-manners). After a while, a feeling of sadness came over me. At times it made me almost want to cry, you know? It's such a wretched Christmas, though it isn't wretched at all. I've been thinking of LesMisGuy all day. The fact that I had a dream where I met his family doesn't help matters one bit. Neither does the fact that I've been wishing him a merry Christmas in my mind as often as I remember to think of him, and wish he'd send me a text to wish me well. I sent A a message and got one in return. So that's done...

On a different note, I seemed to have a "thing" for number 8 yesterday. I mistook an 11 and a 12 for an 8... I thought it was peculiar.

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

A new low

I meant to write down something about how LesMisGuy called me in a dream I had the day before yesterday. I know I had other dreams, but I only made a note about that one (no wonder). I don't remember exactly what happened in the dream, but things were working out between him and me. He was calling so we could meet, or something like that. Somewhat childish, from Freud's point of view as I remember hearing about it.

Now, it's no wonder I've been thinking of LesMisGuy pretty much all the time. It's no wonder I picture us talking casually come January, and going out, and holding hands, and kissing, and being an awesome couple (because we totally would be). I figured, and this is just physiognomy and wild guesses at work, he's very likely a good dancer. I've no idea just how I reached that conclusion. I'll check up on that later if I have the chance to.

What about the new low I mentioned, you ask? Well, the man who sells pretty wallets to my aunt stopped by the shop today. He's the one who was shot and can't move the left side of his face. Nice enough to be around, I reckon (not that a lot of people my aunt deals with are particularly unpleasant). He got on this self-help rant, though. Started talking about the power of thought, and how you're supposed to learn how to turn every unpleasant thought into a positive one, in the blink of an eye. That's the way you make things happen. You keep saying money is hard to come by, and you'll keep making sure it's hard to come by money. That was his rant, in a nutshell. Wouldn't you like to know I felt relieved to have been thinking of LesMisGuy all this time. If this man is right, all my positive thought must be adding brownie points to whomever/whatever helps me get together with LesMisGuy.

Don't get me wrong, I'll text him as soon as the timing's more appropriate. But I like the idea of how thinking about being with him often enough, and wanting it badly enough getting me and him together. To some extent, if I'm right about him liking me first, that might be what got me to like him back, and isn't that an interesting thing to think about? I'm all for free will, and I want to believe there's a thing called fate which we can somehow influence. Talk about insane... Either way, before this man came in, it had already occurred to me (much like the thought of LesMisGuy kissing my neck from behind occurred to me during topology class) that he'd been waiting for me to text him again. I don't know why he would, I believe everything points at the fact that he was supposed to text me and no the other way round. So, if he got caught up in a mistake like that, I'd understand if he only just realised and decides to make things right come a better time to do so. I'm a little annoyed at Christmas right now.

On another note, I couldn't help but notice as I typed the word "wallets" up there. I bought A a light green wallet I thought was nice for her. I remember the last one I saw her using was one she made out of Twinning's tea packages, and to be honest, it was pretty but it wasn't particularly useful. I also remembered she had a thing for similar shades of green (come to think of it, that was at least 6-7 years ago). Come to think of it, I don't actually know what a good gift for her would be. I really haven't a clue. I know I should try and write a message, a hand-written letter. But I wouldn't know what to say in it. I wouldn't know what book to get her. I considered (briefly) getting her an Aleida book and get it signed by Vladdo (how awesome would that be?) but it hits me that it wouldn't be particularly practical to go get the agenda if I'm at my aunt's shop tomorrow. It just hits me that it's not Vladdo who's going to be signing books in Unicentro tomorrow, that would be Daniel Samper Ospina... But maybe Vladdo is signing agendas... in Andino, right?... I'll have to check up on that and ask my sister to drop by and do me a huge favour if I'm right.

Amazing, I drifted away from my point. My point: I buy wallets in most unusual circumstances. I bought one for D once (in the airport on my way from Bta to Ctg, Totto) because it would be his birthday soon (and I heard and couldn't remember hearing that he needed a new wallet). I felt like an idiot when I gave it to him. To add insult to injury, I bought another wallet for Rf on his birthday, because I'd given D a wallet on his, and to stop feeling like an idiot I figured I'd try and make a "thing" out of it. Even more foolish, it turns out.

Now, I'm buying a wallet for A. Good gracious...

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Here we go...

So... I'm talking to N1. It started off with us talking about LesMisGuy and her fireman guy. After I made up my mind about LesMisGuy (I'm waiting), I couldn't help but push it.

I decided to wait because LesMisGuy is smart. He's smart enough to figure I'm assuming the silence means he's not interested. He's smart enough to understand I have the hots for him. He's smart enough to make a move if he's interested.

I couldn't help but mention I'd considered asking EBF for advice regarding LesMisGuy and had ultimately decided not to. I couldn't help myself from ranting on about EBF when prompted. I told N1 about how we drifted apart. Next thing I know, I'm crying. This is ridiculous...

Also, not exactly fun... the word's pathetic, still... want to know a fact? N2 was mentioning a pathetic moment of her own and I suddenly remembered the fact that when D and I were first dating, I used to have this spearmint chapstick. After we broke up, even though it was ready to be tossed, I stopped using it and kept it (for a fairly long time, though I can't remember how long). I figured I was sort of keeping his kisses there. So corny...

Fun fact, I think Tim Curry was the prince of darkness in CM. Brilliant.

Sunday, 19 December 2010

A fun fact about me

I compete with television characters. When D and I first got together I used to feel so superior because Misty and Ash didn't work out. The rest of the time I wallow in self pity wondering how television characters find partners when I can't get a grip. Just now, in the american Ugly Betty, Justin had a boyfriend, and they made out by the doorway. You have no idea how jealous I am. All I can think of is LesMisGuy... Fuck!

Can't be bothered to think of a title

I had a dream last night where I was in school1, only it had been remodeled beyond recognition in some parts. I remember the huge weeds and odd swamp plants. I remember there was a river (that really must have sprouted out of nowhere) and a bridge to cross it to get into the P.E. area. I remember talking to some girl about guys I was annoyed by, only these were grown men, and I can't remember why they annoyed me. In another dream, or possibly the same one above, I had read about a law that forced the government to give people some amount of gas for free. For a while there, it sort of made sense. That's about all I remember.

Last night I was at my uncle's for a reunion that was meant to celebrate two birthday parties and Christmas, and before that I was at my aunt's shop all day (you'd think people could buy more gifts the very Saturday before Christmas, but no). Last night was rather uneventful, really. I want to point out I got a jacket that looks like it's made from Willy Wonka's grape flavoured gloves, and I actually intend to keep it. Not because I think it's pretty, not really. I just want to try and see what it is you're supposed to wear that sort of jacket with. We'll see. Maybe I'm writing this but I'll be going to the place they bought it and see if I can change it for something else anyway.

As for yesterday morning, I left EBF a facebook message for his birthday. Far be it from him to even say thank you. Far be it from me to be sensible and stop whining already.

Saturday, 18 December 2010

WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Hey, there's something to be happy about, I passed my discrete geometry course and scored a 4/5 in the final project! :D

Yay mediocrity! Now there's just topology left.

Friday, 17 December 2010

Permission?

I had this dream last night where I was in university with A. I'd joined her to help her out with something. She had a stuffed animal and the only other girl from my logic class (LesMisGuy's friend) decided to help A. I walked out with this girl and we chatted casually. She asked about my boyfriend, and I told him I had none (I said "kein bf" and then explained, for some reason). Next thing I know, she's discretely calling LesMisGuy. In my dream, the logic went that he though I had a boyfriend and she was trying to find out about it to give him the green light so he could call. He was supposed to call, then, maybe. I remember walking around the mall closeby, which was somehow intertwined with university buildings, hoping to run into LesMisGuy.

Thursday, 16 December 2010

Why do I even bother...?

Seeing as there isn't quite enough ranting from the last couple of days, I just wanted to mention the fact that my computer ran out of battery, deleting what messages were left open in messenger. That included the last line sent by EBF, which I can't quite recall literally and only paraphrased in the last post. I don't think it matters, so I don't know why I bother. What evidence I need is left in the blog post, and it's probably best that I can't go back to it and craze myself just a little more. Then there's also the fact that I scheduled an appointment at the hairdresser's tomorrow and though it could be me or my sister going, I'm the one using it. I didn't consider I'll be stuck going and leaving by bus, and I didn't consider I'll be stuck in traffic getting back here.

In the back of my head, while we were in the novena, I was hoping to come back to an e-mail or text message from LesMisGuy so I figured it would be nice to have a haircut just before meeting him. You know how I know I'm delusional? Those lines right there? Totally true. I'm not supposed to make this big a deal out of this crush thing, even more so since I'm not really seeing him and it's easy enough to just forget and let it go. But apparently, I'm stubborn. Apparently, I'd already put too much hope into something working out. Apparently, I don't care about the fact that if he wanted to reach me, he knows how to (e-mail, facebook, text message). Awesome.

Now I'm just stuck wondering if we'll be together in any class next semester and whether or not it will be awkward. I don't know what to do anymore. It's probably time to call it quits, but I keep making excuses why he hasn't showed up and I'm hanging on to the thread of decency I misread as interest. This is ridiculous. I'm ridiculous. Putting this much hope into LesMisGuy and completely failing to meet A or AOB in these few days is just wrong. I... I don't know what to say anymore. I can't talk myself into being more reasonable. I can't get LesMisGuy to call or text and trying to text him again would just be overkill. I don't need an upfront "no thank you", the crickets in the background keep singing that out loud. I'm just ... the word's not hoping, it's wishing, he's just busy and is actually interested.

#FAIL

I meant to write this yesterday, but it just so happens the time is just right. EBF started a conversation, telling me he feels so "sane" lately. Only just now. I'm submitting this post as is, just to keep some sort of time record. Be right back.

Right back.

So... #fail, LesMisGuy hasn't made any contact yet, #FAIL I'm still making up excuses and wanting to wait until Saturday before I give up even though #epicfail the novenas are starting today, and given he's religious, and because everything else is pointing at that anyway: he's not going to make any sort of contact anyway. I've imagined he could be stuck...

Just so you know, no answer from EBF to my "sane as in not crazy or not doing anything crazy?" yet

without his cellphone, that he could've lost my number, I've imagined he could be busy in graduation ceremonies I have no way of knowing the dates for, and family lunch, and

EBF just signed out, thank you.

... I don't know what excuses to come up with anymore. I just wish he'd been more straight up in his only answer. He should've just said "thank you, I'm busy today and going away tomorrow, so no thank you". I'd get it. I was even willing to take a "no thanks" or *crickets* for an answer. I just hate this looming uncertainty. Half-knowing that the day I give up altogether he's likely to show up out of nowhere.

EBF's not back yet... is it wrong that the first thing that came to mind when he said he was sane and talked about crazy was telling him I was sort of going nuts with this whole "asking a guy out" thing?

I should be able to rationally understand, LesMisGuy is not showing up. So that makes for another #fail at my flirt-reading techniques

EBF back online

because even

EBF just answered

though he did the whole pointing body parts at me thing, noticing me a bit more than other girls, not trying to keep his hands away when I tried to keep mine near his, invading my personal space when we were standing next to each other, the half-hug... So, that's me failing at reading body language, ever so epically, because I acted on it thinking I "got it right". Fuck.

Fuck.


FUCK.

EBF's in one of his breakdowns. He doesn't seem to realise it yet, he just says he's been very much not in motion, as usual with him when he's doing fine. He's no longer living at his boss' place, for some reason or other and has an italian roomate (girl) he thinks would get along great with me. It sort of insults me, how much he can presume to know me right now. I can only venture a guess, because he's already taking stabs at thinking he remembers me, saying I think it's one of his scheduled meltdowns, the ones that take place every couple of years or so. He says he hasn't been able to write the story about a man with a limp. Considering he used to write his best pieces (and it seemed to help) during meltdowns, I said it's probably a good time to do so.

Right... I could just be copying the logs of the conversations here... then again, you'd get none of the lovely (absolutely not!) comments in between. So, you know, I'm leaving that at that...

AOB's online too. I'd left him a message yesterday telling him I was free and we should do something before he goes away. I saw him online just now and decided to ask him out for lunch or an afternoon snack. He hasn't answered yet. See? the #fail thing is recurring. I fail at a love life. I fail at having friends. I fail at about everything I'm up to right now. Want to know how I know I'm a failure? A's online too and I'm only considering talking to her because the conversations with EBF and AOB have failed so miserably.

...Aaaand EBF's offline again. And online again... right...


Only because I can't stop being a bitch (alright, I just can't stop bitching): The fact that EBF's italian roommate picked up on his usual pursuit of motion, and how he's unusually still lately points at two things, I think. The first is that Hamlet is dzown (thanks, twitter and glee cast) and he's too easy to read right now. The second is that some girl he might think is kind of like me is reading him like a book regardless of whether he can keep his emotions to himself or not.

He's asking about me now. I think it would be wise to stick to school life. I'm so going to mes up if I try and ask for advice regarding LesMisGuy...

So... I told EBF about the whole debacle with my topology professor. I'm about done bitching about it. He agrees (how could he not?). Right... I could go on to tell him how I did the discrete geometry project all by myself. But I don't want to hog the conversation. And I don't want to cave in and tell him about LesMisGuy. And that's considering I haven't told him about going away. Shit. I will really hate myself for it later, but I'll just pull off the "have I told you... yet?".

You know what I hate about this the most? He very probably only decided to talk to me to ask me to send my cousin's songs. Seriously.

He's talking about some time he had friends over and they got high. I'm off the hook, it seems.

That took a while... it's now 4 pm and I'm only just now writing about it. EBF said goodbye and called me his adored friend, told me I should go to China. I... didn't say anything because he was going already and it would've been wrong to be a total bitch. It worries me that I can't get away with not congratulating him on his birthday (which, it hit me, is on the 18th if I remember correctly). And I was hoping to be ok with not remembering and not leaving him any messages. It's only fair, with him not having remembered my last birthday (I know N2's birthday is the same as mine, he couldn't forget to at least leave a message somewhere). Yes, I'm still hurt about that. No, I don't see why it matters. All I know is I wanted to call him a hypocrite and to do without the "adored friend" gimmick if he's only talking to me for me to send him music (which won't happen again, since the songs he likes are now safely being stored by gmail). I don't need this. You see, if he hadn't talked to me, I would be just fine remembering his birthday and doing nothing about it. Now he talked to me (even more so with his name calling), I'll feel compelled to say something. And truth is, I don't want to.

I just hate the hypocrisy of it all, you know? Why call me "adored friend" and tell me to go to China (goodness knows I thought of telling him I'd be too busy going to Tmp)? Why bother saying what would imply he holds me dear and misses me if he didn't really bother saying goodbye when he left? We talked maybe 3-4 days before he left. And that was the ever so casual "have I told you yet I'm going to China? I'm leaving this weekend". I don't need the mindfuck. So fuck him.

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

I know I said I was going to wait

I'm giving myself permission to rant some more tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow. But I've been carrying me phone around, checking every so often for signs of anything, and I'm starting to believe LesMisGuy was just being nice. He was careful not to say he'd call, or in any way commit to anything. I suppose it was a bit too much to say he thought it would be nice, and if he was going for the "I have a trip coming up" argument he could've just said he wasn't coming back any time soon. I don't know if I can just blame it on the rain, because it's a very bad excuse. And I don't know what to blame it on otherwise. I'm just starting to feel a bit like a failure at this whole asking people out, having a love life, and having a crush thing.

Monday, 13 December 2010

I need a little time to rant

So... holier than thou indeed...

Here is Srq, telling me everything in the definitions is wrong because suddenly he thinks he understands. Suddenly, he thinks a summary is a lot clearer, so we're doing a summary. Never mind the fact that some concepts aren't completely clear as expressed in the paper he thinks he understands now. Never mind the fact that there are other notations possible and I am not required to use the one used in the paper I quoted the results from. Never mind the fact that I've been doing all the work here! I don't care how many mistakes he finds, for the most part they're minor and I'm quite sure it was easy enough to understand the contents of the project as it was. I appreciate the fact that he won't let mistakes slip, but right now it's infuriating. He didn't do any research. He didn't read anything up until today, up until my draft. I explained it all to him. He didn't even go read the papers when I quoted results and told him where to find him.

For crying out loud, up until now (and we've got 9 pgs worth of work), I've been doing all the writing, clarifying, and all he's done is go over what I wrote and make sure it's clear enough for him. At first he just came up with new notation, no problem there. But now he's messing up the new notation, mixing it up with the notation he's only just now (3 hours from the deadline, mind you) reading and telling me everything I did is wrong. Because I read from other papers and took the liberty to use different definitions of the problem. And that's not to mention I will probably have to go over the English in the project, because with all of his re-writing it's bound to end up really patchy. I need the grade more badly than he does. And I also find it shameless of him to want grades for work he turned in late when I got lousy grades for trying to send in stuff in a hurry but on time. Frankly...

3 hours from the deadline and instead of doing some writing, as I'd suggested once he finally figured something that would go well after all we've got so far, he's doing re-writing. Of what was mostly right already. Seriously, I'm sure it didn't need that much more. I hate it that he doesn't fully understand something right away. He goes back and forth between thinking he knows something and isn't quite sure about it. It's funny when we're just studying, it's really pissing me off right now because I don't need his bloody whining about how he doesn't understand, how the notation isn't clear, and how he can make it all better. Now. Fucking. Now. He couldn't have read for the life of him any time sooner so he could understand things as they were. Chrissake...

[edit]
Oh, for fuck's sake! Seriously??? Grötschel defined tours as Hamiltonian cycles, which only makes sense within his paper, really, as tours need not be closed in general and he's just botching things up. Now, Srq changed the definitions just to suit this. When a single phrase clearing "by T we now refer to a Hamiltonian cycle". I can't express how glad I'll be once this is all over, even if that gladness can be ruined by knowing my grade later.

You call this a drill?

I've had my phone handy in case LesMisGuy does text or call or something, just in case. So I was around when just now it started ringing. It was some unknown number, most likely newly bought (318-). I picked up. I heard quite a lot of noise in the background, and people talking. But no one answered. I said "hello". They hung up. It took a short while (2 or 3 buzzes) to pick up. I'm still shaking. It just won't do to be like this if/hen LesMisGuy makes contact.

Just so we're clear, I'm freaking out a bit. On the one hand, I'm glad he hasn't called yet because I need to work on the project. On the other, it worries me that he won't. It worries me that he hasn't. I'll try and forget about worrying until Wednesday. After all, he did say he was getting back today, but didn't specify when. Maybe tomorrow he'll be busy. If by Wednesday I've had no answer, I'll go back to thoughts of that fail hashtag.

Words of the day

Holier than thou.

That seems to be Srq's attitude right now.

Nothing too strange, I guess

I had these dreams last night... all over the place. In one, I was with A and that kid from school1 whose father was doctor to most of us growing up. We were working on some thing or other together. I remember he drew this amazing dragon (not really dragon, I just can't remember what the mohawk part is called). I also remember he had a bucket full of beeswax and honey to use on lips. I argued it wasn't very smooth to wear. But it tasted good. In another dream, I told someone about having worked with this guy and A. It was odd because we would've never worked together, but A asked him, or he asked A.

In another dream, I was in my aunt's car waiting for someone and in comes the woman who plays Ugly Betty's sister in the american version, carrying a baby. It was really crowded in there.

Possibly part of that last dream, my mum talked on the phone with my dad and asked me to prepare some dessert for someone's arrival.

Next thing I know I'm in EBF's place with his cousin. I went down to the kitchen and asked the two ladies there for a glass of water. There was something of a mess with disposable cleaning towels, as they were all out and the rolls were ruined when we took out new ones. I'm not sure why, but I think EBF was arriving soon. I don't know why I was in his place with his cousin, but it would imply plenty that isn't really possible right now.

Sunday, 12 December 2010

You tell me

It's not that I haven't been thinking of LesMisGuy all this time, I've just been busy working on the discrete geometry project so I haven't had time to come here and write about it. I couldn't keep this to myself, though. I've been chatting with Srq, nice because we have fun with word games and stupid comments. However, when it comes to actual work, he's doing sod all. I mean, he's been helping loads with the format and making it look really fancy as a latex document. But I've been doing all the reading and most of the real typing. It's really very annoying. If we fuck up this grade I'm dropping the subject.

Friday, 10 December 2010

No progress

I had managed to type about 3 pages of the discrete geometry yesterday (yeah, yesterday). I didn't sleep much, but I was proud. I met with Srq, which turned out to be something of a waste of time because we didn't really get much done. Either way, I already wasted some time googling first date tips (because I am that much of a loser). Just in case you were wondering, have I considered...

- maybe LesMisGuy mistook me for someone else? Check
- LesMisGuy is actually gay and being nice? Check. But he mentioned his type of girl... so...
- he's so far in the closet he's in the garage? Check (thanks Chris Colfer)
- everything will go wrong when we meet? Check
- we won't even get to meet at all because he won't call? Check
- telling EBF about LesMisGuy and asking for advice but ultimately decided it's just not worth it? Check

Also, I've been stuck in daydreams where we sit in one of those comfy sofas either at a cafe or some other place with nice comfy sofas and we hold hands, and I find an excuse to kiss him or at least hug him.

Exam

I had a dream last night (well, really it was this morning just before I woke up) where I had to take a test with my linear algebra TA. He had cut his hair, only about 5 inches, and was handing in exam papers. For some reason, we were supposed to write down expected exam scores for students based on their clothes. Their clothes should let us guess at what they were studying so we could choose some grade. I even remember helping a girl out (she's one of the girls who goes to Pentagono). I also remember there were questions about batteries, AA and AAA+ batteries. MaA asked about this.

Thursday, 9 December 2010

Do the right thing

I just told AOB about having asked a guy out and him saying yes. I figure it's the right thing to do, I mean, if things work out with LesMisGuy it would just suck to drop the bomb "have I told you yet? I have a boyfriend" on him. He put up a(made up)n excuse to say he'll be a while answering. So I cut it short and told him I'd asked him out, he'd said yes, and I was freaking out and I had no idea how guys manage the nervewreck. Anyway... back to trying to type anything useful.

He said yes!

He said yes! He said yes! He said yes! He said yes! He said yes! Oh dear, oh dear... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
He said he's been working on his thesis (why is that so unbelievably sexy? because I'm pathetic!) and he's tired today, and travelling tomorrow until Monday. But it's a sure thing next week, he thinks it'd be nice.

You know what I hate the most about this? I was just thinking of sending a question over to guyspeak, asking how to cope with rejection and exactly how it is guys manage. I was even thinking of hashtags for the epic fail. That's when I got the text, because that's just the way my life works.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!

He texted back! And I don't have the balls to check the freaking message, not even to keep N1 posted...

That makes about 20min

Let's be realistic for a bit: this calls for closure. I'm supposed to just shut everything down and go with the "try not to look too awkward next semester" thing. Righteous...

Fuck.

Starting to freak out (even more)

Ok, so it took about 5 more minutes to actually press the SEND button on my phone. I guess I just don't have the balls for this sort of thing, after all. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...

You know what the worst part is? I'm half hoping he won't answer or call or do anything at all because I don't want to freak out if he does.

Need I say it? It's clear, but still... I'm pathetic...

You know what's really sad, though? I have no one to walk me through this, and I have no one to freak out with right now. The only advice I got before going for it came from N1. And she's not online for me to freak out with. A's not online either. I never told EBF and I don't feel like bothering to check if he's online. I just feel... a bit more lonely than usual.

Time of truth

Ok, I've made up my mind: I'm sending the text in about a half hour. Of course, I'm already freaking out. I'm nervous, anxious and haven't even given much thought to changing the hideous old shirt I'm wearing right now. See, the thing is, I'm afraid to imagine how it's going to turn out.

Have I imagined...
- a crazy girlfriend calling back to tell me to stay away? Check
- his parents answering? Check
- him not answering? Check
- him calling back and freaking out just short of not being able to talk (but clearly beyond making much sense)? Check
- him not answering for a very long time (any more than two days) and also freaking out? Check
- him having changed his cellphone number? Check
- going out with him and it being a terrible date? Check
- not going out with him, ever, and wondering what it will be like next semester? Check
- completely fucking up when things could be going smoothly? Check
- saying something incredibly stupid/insensitive if he calls back? Check
- making an ass of myself in front of my mum getting permission to go out? Check

Please let things work out, please? Pretty please??

Paranoid, much?

I haven't been watching much television, or anything along the lines of what I'm about to write, for that matter. I had a dream where I lived in university, up where the design-medicine buildings are. I started out in the design buildings and I was at some old ladie's place. She'd offered food and drink. I was half way through with it when I heard the presence (cheeky) of someone I was afraid of. A serial killer, no less. I was so afraid and in such a hurry to get out before he could know I was there I just left the food and plates in any place I could and ran out. My house a wooden cottage someplace near the place where the medicine buildings are, only it was all woods over there. I ran in and locked everything I could think of. My bed was next to a window, so I made sure to lock all the windows and cover them with curtains so no one could look in from the outside.

By the time I went round making sure my sister's and my parents' rooms had their windows locked, I was in the apartment by the sea we used to live in in Ctg. I locked all the windows there even though they gave me bewildered looks. Some one's maid came in with a dog and a small shovel (for dog poop). I took the shovel and made sure she couldn't try anything suspicious with it. When she was done with whatever she had to do I ushered her out the door, only to find there were several other people outside wanting to get in. I somehow knew that whatever/whoever (there was something about his skin being too pale, and looking a bit like a dementor that made him even scarier) had already killed some woman who was chopping wood blocks outside the cottage. I had to make sure none of the people outside were out to kill. There were some brief scenes with people going up and down the elevator, but I can't remember much of them, really.

Then there was also a sort of date/meeting with LesMisGuy. I almost missed him but ultimately didn't. At some point I started kissing his cheek and hesitantly kissed him some more, waiting for some response, but I got none. Nerve-wrecking. That's about all I remember, I'm afraid. Let's hope LesMisGuy answers my text sometime later this afternoon (N1 talked me into changing it to "Hi. How about some coffee/ice cream/something? - LinaThumbe"). I also hope things will go well if we end up going out. That would be exciting, you know?

No, wait, I just remembered another bit of a dream... Something had happened to my little one and the vet was trying to offer a cat or another dog to replace her. I remember him explaining that he hadn't touched a part of the cat's face, near the lower jaw, and that if I did it would like me.

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Work on the project, you say?

Let's see... first, there's the somewhat unsettling, somewhat explanatory, fact that LesMisGuy smells like my aunt MT. Then there's the fact that I finally scored 1/1 in a discrete geometry homework assignment (one of the tiny ones, when it doesn't really matter anymore). Oh, and I pass logic, with a measly 3.0, but who cares! Oh, and I'm in something of a religious debate with N1... she's trying to tell me everything that happens in her life is God's design and far be it from her to try and make anything of her life by making choices because He's making all of them. Goodness...

Monday, 6 December 2010

Early signs of madness?

Can't get the smell of LesMisGuy out of my mind. I seem to be smelling it 2ft away pretty much all the time, for about an hour or two now. So bizarre...

So... what now?

Well, wouldn't you like to know I did get to see LesMisGuy and it was absolutely uneventful because we were working on the numerical analysis project (I love that he's so smart, but I kinda feel bad now for asking him to help us out, he might've felt used). The thing is, in the end I was with Srq and intended to go talk in the department, see what can be done about the whole topology exam thing, and everyone had left early. I've made up my mind on sending LesMisGuy a text asking him out as soon as I have some credit to do so. I could only ever too subtly try and keep my hand near his as he wrote, and sort of brushed against it ever so lightly. So much so it must be completely meaningless. I'm putting it down because I couldn't help but notice, but he diddled with my bookbag's straps. It was odd, I think. Somewhat childish, yes... but there was something odd about it in the sense that you just don't take to playing with other people's stuff because it's kinda weird. It is to me, anyway. Maybe I'm the one who's weird and I'm making big a deal out of it (I have to make a big deal out of something, I need the encouragement). In case I feel like bringing myself down for trying later, he sat next to CtW though there was a seat next to me. I would've much rather have him sit by me, though I tried keeping my feet just touching his, if only because I couldn't help wanting to be near him. .... I really am starting to border on ridiculous with all this...

So, I've only to make up my mind on a message. I was planning to write something along the lines of: "Hi. If you don't have a girlfriend and it's not terribly inappropriate, would you like to go out with me for a cup of coffee/some ice cream? I won't be offended if you don't answer, promise. LinaThumbe." Too long, probably... and the last bit I can't come to grips with, but I can't bear the thought of him answering out of being polite without really wanting to, you know? I can't even imagine what a date with him would be like, but I sort of can't wait to see if it's a possibility. I feel a bit weird texting him, considering I got his number from Srq. However, I already called him once and it seemed cool, last time we talked he asked if I had his number and I mentioned I did, so we sort of figured if we needed to get in touch (which we didn't, but I want to) I could call or he could get my number from Srq. I figure the ball's in my court, though. And also, things are probably never going to happen if I wait for them to happen, I can grow some balls and make things happen myself. Besides, I'm sort of on campaign here to get myself to do stuff I may hate myself later for. I'm learning to be a fool in public. If I'm hard on myself later then so be it, but I'm going to try and do it anyway.

Not exactly an instance, today as I walked to the department with Srq the sweet gay economist guy from maths asked how I'd done (I figured he meant the project to be handed in today, but I lied anyway in case he meant the topology exam he knew I was taking) and I said I hoped I'd done well. Before we had completely passed him and the group of people he was with by, I couldn't help but mention I think he's lovely to Srq. He might've heard. I figure it's kinda weird, but it must be nice to hear compliments out loud behind your back.

Also on the list of to-write things today, I couldn't help but notice the guy in front of me in the bus smelled just like EBF. This has to be the first EBF post in a fairly long time, and it comes out really more out of luck. The guy not only smelled almost exactly like EBF, he was also chewing on the same flavour and brand of chewing gum EBF always had on him (Trident White blueberry). It was strange, you know? A nagging smell, if you will. It was there, butting into my thoughts, having nothing to say. There I was, trying to settle on words to text LesMisGuy and suddenly the smell came. It distracted me, but it brought nothing to mind. I could relate the smell to EBF, but couldn't even remember a particular instance of being with him, nor did it make me miss him. I've settled on an analogy to an awesome dream you know you had, but just can't remember. When you wake up from an awesome dream and you know it was amazing, you try and remember it. It can just so happen you can't remember it. You know it was great, but can't re-live it or truly enjoy it because it was just a dream and for whatever reason it just can't be brought to mind. There's a hint of melancholia because it was so incredible and it's such a thing to miss out on, but then there's also the realisation that it was just a dream, and then indifference.

In case I worry that it wasn't down later, AOB is out of class already (I'm amazed, I'm studying still and he's free already). He sent a message when I was closing up to go present the project and I couldn't be bothered to wait and sign in again to say hi back. He called this afternoon, asked if I'd like to go out with him and another guy from school2 (in a jazz band reputed to be quite good, wouldn't you know it). I said I had homework to do and said I'd be busy until the 13th. He seemed eager to tell me he joined facebook because he was so ecstatic to have finally finished the semester. I'm not buying it, but I said everyone else was acting surprised and asking what got into him so I wouldn't. He's leaving for Trinidad on the 16th, so he said we should go out or maybe stay in and play Mario Party or something before he leaves. I added it should also be after I'm completely done with university. Right.... Off lights for blogger now...

Sunday, 5 December 2010

Well, that ruins almost everything

I received an e-mail message from my topology professor. He won't grant me permission to take the final exam. As I remember events they went this way:

I failed the first two topology exams. I dropped the subject. I talked to the professor and told him I had dropped the subject but would like to continue attending class in order to take the exam to transfer the credits, for that purpose I asked if he'd be willing to let me take the partial exams and grade them. He said it was ok. Last week I paid for the exam and handed in a letter stating I wanted to take it, as well as a receipt for the money I'd paid. That was on Thursday. I sent an e-mail asking him for advice when taking the test. Again, Thursday. He wrote today saying he doesn't know how taking the exam has anything to do with transferring credits and says he forbids me to take the exam to avoid further confusion. I'll be stuck in paperwork for a while, by the looks of things. If only to get my money back.

Saturday, 4 December 2010

He he

AOB opened up a facebook account. And Srq was in the university choir.

Friday, 3 December 2010

Enter Cuzco for a loud llama *Ha!!*

Ok, so it really shouldn't be the first thing to make me want to write a post, what with the studying I'm lagging so much in and my little one having just come back from surgery. But Srq is still working on his thesis, so it makes perfect sense that LesMisGuy would be too. That's a *Ha!!* for the part of that was thinking he could've made that up and it could totally be a fake excuse not to study with me (though I'll agree it could still be a good excuse to pull up if he didn't want to, anyway). So, you know... there's hope that once he's finally done with his thesis presentation LesMisGuy will be free (to ask me out, maybe???). I still want to ask him out on Monday. I want an excuse to be around him. I hope he feels the same way.

Just to update on the status of my little one: the huge tumor was not, after all, removed. It was big, nasty and would've made her bleed a lot not to mention hurt like hell. That ruled out the hysterectomy I was hoping for, as it would be too much to do in a single surgery. However, upon further inspection, the vet noticed tumors in her ovaries. He figured once those were gone maybe the huge tumor will grow a little smaller and easier to operate on. He even kept the ovaries to show us and explained they should be about the size of lentils as he showed two blobs the size of strawberries. Oddly enough, I wasn't too disgusted to be seeing dog guts on a tray.

Back to the topology book I was reading, I'd better do what I can while my little one's asleep.

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

No wonder

I had a dream last night where LesMisGuy and I were together. Again. Can't remember any of it too clearly, I just remember being in university, being in the house, being in family meetings and being with him. Sometimes, for instance, when we were in university, he'd act a little "she's my girl" when I was around other guys. He'd come and hug me or kiss me or whatever. It was awfully nice and so incredibly comfortable to be near him, if only in my dream... *sigh*