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Tuesday, 30 November 2010

It's the only way for me, isn't it?

So... I made it to university on time, managing to leave my phone behind, and settled down to try and study (if only a little, for the sake of studying). I made up my mind to try and stay dry, not drink water so I wouldn't want to go in the middle of the exam I had coming up. That resolution lasted, just about as long as it took me to down my water bottle. I know, not smart. Especially because I was really looking forward to leaving with LesMisGuy. However, as I sat outside the classroom we were about to have the exam in, the only other girl in the class joined me. We chatted for a while. Then LesMisGuy shows up. At first, he was a little hesitant (I could see him watching and walking about a little bit before joining us). He kissed me hello first (ha!) holding my shoulder (like I said, must be mechanical but I'm bringing this up for a reason, aren't I?).

I probably should've noted just how he kissed the other girl hello, too, you know? I could've checked for arm placement, gestures, etc. If only not to kid myself (too much). At any rate, I'm rambling... We chatted for a bit (in the end it was me and him solo, even though others had come to the table) until we sat down to take the exam. That's when I realised I'd had too much to drink and I didn't go to the bathroom. I figured I could hold it in. When it was officially time to turn in our papers, I left (the first) even though I hadn't come up with a way to solve one of the 5 points. Hopefully, it won't cost me too much (like, you know, the subject). LesMisGuy sat a seat ahead and another one to the right, so I could see him clearly and smell him every so often. About an hour in, he was bored to tears (and most likely done, but then again maybe not). Me? I was trying my best to answer the questions and remember a theorem I still can't bring to mind. All while stopping every so often, because I couldn't help myself, to scribble "Gorgeous", and other ramblings.

When I noticed him doing nothing, waiting for time to tick by, I figured he might've been waiting for it to be time to hand in the exam rather than be out early. I figured that when I got up once 2 hours had gone by, he'd be up behind me. Like I said, I really needed to go, so even before the professor even warned us that it was time (even though he'd grant another half hour), I was up and out. I ran to the bathroom and walked by the classroom again just to check that he was still in there (he was) and tried to pick a spot near the classroom. I sat around for a bit, and walked by the classroom again (how very not subtle of me, even more so when you consider I looked for him right away). I sort of had an excuse, you know? I'd asked if he'd like to stay behind and work on the numerical analysis project. He didn't really answer. Considering I'd left my phone behind it could've been rude to just leave in case he was interested in staying (if only for purely academic purposes). I sat again. I doodled for a bit in my computer and when I got up again to look for him, he was gone. I'd fucked up bad, you know? How was I to know anything of him any sooner than Monday? How?

I figured what was done was done and I might as well get to calling CtW and Srq to work on the project, so instead of leaving out of the other building and going straight to work, I opted for going down the stairs and out of the building I was in to make the calls. Wouldn't you know it, possibly for reasons unrelated to me (but I really hope it was for me) he was standing by the last flight of stairs, glancing in the general direction opposite the building's entrance (which, come to think of it, sort of covered both the lifts and the stairs). Wouldn't you like to know that when our eyes met ever so briefly as I was gliding down I smiled like an idiot (I would've beamed like an idiot... maybe I did...). Once we were closer, when he looked my way again I waved. We walked out together. He waited while I fumbled for the piece of paper I'd jotted phone numbers in and then made to leave. I asked if he was staying to work on the project and he mentioned having stuff to do for his thesis (documentation something? I really need to start paying attention).

This time, when he kissed me goodbye, he placed his hand on my back, rather than my arm. It was an almost hug, if you will. I haven't made up my mind on whether that was more meaningful or about as meaningful as the regular hand on arm kisses. I want to think it's better so bad. I didn't want him to leave! I asked if we'd be studying for topology, but that, again, was a no. He said he'd be too busy.

In honour of today's logic exam, it can be proven that all of these facts amount to I know not what, but it could've been a part of the question I didn't manage to answer. To be honest, and I always am (ok, maybe sometimes I don't tell the whole truth, but I usually tell the truth when I tell it), I just don't know what to make of any of this. I want to believe he was waiting for me (because frankly, what else would he be doing there?), that chance brought us together (and his sexy, sexxy smarts), that the almost hug meant something. I want to believe he really does have stuff to do for his thesis and he really can't spare any time until he's done with them. But a part of me's telling me to dismiss those bits and mind his hesitation and the fact that I know thesis projects were handed in on Tuesday. I know, he didn't properly say he'd work on the thesis itself, it might've been something to present it. Still, Srq isn't working on anything of the sort. What if he really doesn't want to spend time with me? What if that was just him being nice about it?

Goodness! All that's left is Monday! And I have to study so much if I'm ever to pass that exam (I already paid for it, I can't chicken out now). It's incredibly corny to say so, so I'm sorry, but just under a week is too long to go without seeing LesMisGuy and it's too little to prepare as well as I need to.

Monday, 29 November 2010

Minor fuck up

So, sort of good news, I scored a 3/5 in my final exam even though I didn't really study. Not so good news? I left a bit too soon (I really needed to pee) mindless of how perfect an opportunity I would've had to be with LesMisGuy (tomorrow he'll be with the other girl and it will take some skill to talk to him on his own if they don't leave together). I also have no idea what my final grade for abstract algebra will be, but I figure I can't have failed (I think I did quite well in the other two tests and I was already sort of passing) so I'm not too worried.

UPDATE so... it was my final grade, not the grade for the final exam. Shit. Oh well, I pass.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Still not managing to study

Can't shake (or by any other means get out of my system) the thought of standing near LesMisGuy, no more than a foot away, as he caresses my neck with one hand and leans in to kiss me. I'm not even starting to worry about the fact that I'm only getting 5 hours of sleep as is, and I haven't really gotten through as much as 1/4th of my study cards. Or the fact that I don't even have study cards. Oh dear...

Procrastinating

So... I finished reading nearly everything in all posts in Hyperbole and a Half (mostly because the one about dogs was just brilliant). I still didn't feel like studying. My dad brought something to snack on for dinner and I've been playing spider solitaire and waiting for any other internet updates to catch up with. I still haven't given enough thought to what to wear tomorrow (which is to say, yeah, I've given it a lot of thought... I just haven't made up my mind yet). I have, however, managed to get nearly perfect nails, which is a plus, right? AOB asked what my "antici..... .....pation" personal message in messenger meant. I didn't feel like telling him the (whole) truth, so I just said I was looking forward to the end of the semester and that it was also a side effect of having watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Telling him about LesMisGuy and how he's turned me into a schoolgirl doesn't sit right with some undying paranoias. He didn't answer back.

I just... I'm going to put off telling AOB about LesMisGuy all the way until it's absolutely necessary (and, you know, I'm really rooting for that). I can't shake the feeling that his asking about this is like his asking about the destiny function. I'm almost positive now that I might've told him about 2 just to make sure he'd back off. I haven't told AOB that 2's a compulsive liar yet. I haven't brought up the subject of a new guy staring at me in class (LesMisGuy) because it would bring up the subject of how I realised he's great and fell for him, staring or no staring on his part, and how now I'm a schoolgirl and I'm freaking out because I never was that kind of schoolgirl. Yeah... I figure this is the sort of thing I can only discuss with A, and I could only ask advice from EBF who'd find it awfully endearing of me and would act sort of like a big brother. Anyway, that's been out of the question for a really long time now, so never mind.

So, basically, I'm putting off everything (except dreaming of being with LesMisGuy and spending as much time as I can around him, whether or not I pluck up the courage to ask him to join me for coffee or something).

Ok, this is getting ridiculous

So... I opened my e-mail to check if LesMisGuy had written back and to look at the review questions for abstract algebra. That was roughly 10min ago. LesMisGuy had written, so I'm too freaked out (still) to bother looking. I read a cracked.com article about Wicked and I've been playing spider solitaire. I even opened blogger in a whole new window just to avoid looking that way until I'm de-freaked. This is ridiculous... Get a grip already!!!

On to last night's dreams

I had a few dreams last night....

One, I'm quite proud of. I was sitting on a bench somewhere and I could see D and Rf approaching so I tried not to look their way, but when D saw me he decided to stop to say hi. I said hi back, and I freaked out a little but I think I handled it quite well. He mentioned something about having some exams where they didn't actually do much and he asked me if I'd like to come over to one of those. I argued I had to study for an exam on mondy and was happy enough not going. In my dream, it was ironic that D wanted to be with me now, and that he was trying to spend time with me under any pretext.

In another dream, I was sitting next to LesMisGuy, walking (and then sliding) downstairs. He led, I just followed and tried not to take the wrong flights of stairs (which I sometimes did, I was distracted). As we sat next to each other, sliding down the rail, I put my head on his shoulder, and tried kissing him. Again, I'm a little surprised by how bold I am with him in dreams. Note that even in dreams I was terrified to try anything with D and with LesMisGuy it just happens quite naturally. It's only a little disappointing when you consider he turned away a little to talk about something. Apparently we'd been talking the whole way, and kept showing how much he knew about whatever it is we were talking about. Last thing I remember from that dream are some brochures asking people to audition for a soap opera and to write fan fiction for secondary roles in several soap operas.

In another dream I was in a supermarket with girls from school1 I never hung out with. I remember I'd already spent quite a bit, but as we waited in line to pay, I suddenly agreed with the girl I was with that we should totally buy some oreos. I went out to find them and I was a bit outraged at how expensive they were ($50,000 a box) and I just kept looking for the regular (non-chocolate covered) ones.

In another dream, LesMisGuy had driven me to D's place (last I remember, not even sure he still lives there). Not sure why. Not sure what for. He drove me there and got out of the car, I waited a bit and he got back.

In another dream (the last I remember, I think) I was in a classroom in university and we were in a numerical analysis class. Our professor was handing back graded projects. We scored a 5.92 (like that's possible), which might've turned into a 4.92 (still pretty awesome).

Nope, the last dream I remember is actually one where I was in school1 and I'd helped out cooking some of the stuff we had for lunch, only we'd made small batches and they were slightly better than the big batches they'd made for everyone. Come the time to eat, though, I couldn't do it. It was just too much. For some reason, they were serving the food and taking back the plates in the room next to the library, once a lost and found office.

I just want to make a small note: I'm amazed by how often I dream of LesMisGuy. And how bold I am in my dreams. I really am. I can't help but compare him to D and remember I didn't dream quite as often of him, even when I tried. LesMisGuy has really taken over, you know?

Saturday, 27 November 2010

Peculiar

My unconscious is truly remarkable... I had a dream last night where I was in a kitchen counter, talking to LesMisGuy, just waiting for the right time to bring up the subject "I really like you". Just as I was about to, though, he suddenly gave me a very understanding look and said he had a son. Now, in real life he's probably a year older than me (if I'm right to guess he must've gotten out of school at 18) and I reckon it's not completely unlikely, but that's a real soap opera thing to come up with in dreams, wouldn't you agree? He explained that an ex girlfriend had a son (it was never made clear whether it was his or not, though I figure it must've been) and he'd taken it upon himself to help them out a bit. It would only hold him back for about a month or so (I don't know if they were leaving or something). In my dream, I wanted to wait it out. I really wanted things to work out and he'd already sort of hinted at how he'd like them to work out too, only he just couldn't give up on the responsibility of looking after this kid.

Friday, 26 November 2010

Can't sleep

I did have a nap pretty much as soon as I got here, though. My little one fell asleep and I just couldn't resist joining her. Something's been bothering me, though. There's a weird pain in my left arm, it seems to follow the line of my index finger and it runs almost all the way to my shoulder. It's just a "ticking" pain, in the sense that it comes and goes about as regularly as a very slow clock would tick. Not sure it's related to the thing you're supposed to get from writing on a computer too much, at least in a bad position.

In that bit of a nap I managed to have a dream where my university was part of the magical community and it had been taken over by Death Eaters and Pius as he appeared in the film. I remember walking up the stairs of the mall-like building with someone and finding they were assembled in front of the library. We tried to infiltrate them. Not sure what actually went on, though.

As my little one lies asleep, curled up in as tight a little ball as she can to fight the cold and the sound of the rain, I'm stuck with thoughts of LesMisGuy. This insistence is... weird, to say the least. It's been a while since I last spent so much of my waking time thinking of being with someone. Alright, that would only be D, and I know that was years ago, but still.... it took a really long time to grow out of that, and now I didn't just grow a tiny instinct fueled crush, like with 2, or a purely intellectual one, like with 3 (or BtFB) it's a very real crush. I find myself imagining sitting next to him as we both have a cup of coffee and asking out loud if he has a girlfriend so I don't make so much of an ass out of myself by asking if I can kiss him. I imagine telling him what I like about him: the fact that he's strong but kind, gentlemanly not so much in a medieval but a respectful way, his eyes, his dorky laugh, his nerdiness, the fact that he reads classics and read at least some in French where they were written in French, his very gentle childishness.

...

The song of the hour seems to be "Baby it's cold outside" in the Zooey Deschanel cover.

Oh dear... I knew it

Realisation of fuck up numero (take your pick).

CtW and I got together to work on the statistics project. There was quite a bit to go over in terms of the analysis in the first parts. I really didn't bother reading the whole thing through when I e-mailed LesMisGuy, so it's no wonder I had no idea it was pretty much all done. It wasn't perfect, and it took a couple of hours to go over the results and reviewing the analysis. The big fuck up came when I deleted and completely ignored the last part. He'd chosen to do a linear regression with BMIs, weights and heights. If you know the formula (and it was, in fact given) you'd know it's not linear and it sort of misses the point of trying to correlate variables you wouldn't know affected one another otherwise. The thing is, he had some pretty good stuff in there regarding the way you're supposed to analyse the data and I didn't bother looking so I didn't bother using it (which I have to bother thinking is quite rude). On the bright side, I suppose it's nice he didn't really have to work much. On the other hand, I wonder if he felt a bit insulted that we changed so much of what he'd already done. Not to mention I'm a little overwhelmed by the fact that he'd sent us everything.

I knew I'd regret that e-mail, no matter what I ended up writing... I'm now regretting the second one and not having read his work a bit more.

Either way, wouldn't you know it, I've been thinking of seeing him on Monday and asking him to stay with me a while, join me for coffee. I've been thinking of telling him to hold on when he's ready to leave, and ask him if it would be ok for me to steal a kiss from him. I've been thinking of wrapping my arms around his neck as he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissing as we do so. I've been thinking of that dream I had where we kissed. I've been thinking... he's got an identity. I don't confuse him with D like I used to with other guys I tried liking before. He's only himself and when I imagine kissing him it's nothing like kissing D. It's a little odd, I guess, that he's managed to bypass the hard wiring there. Then again, I'm really not thinking much of D anymore.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Minor fun fact

I don't use names unless I absolutely have to, which is to say, I never use the word [name] when talking to name. I just go by "hello"s, instead of "hello [insert name]". It's weird. I've noticed LesMisGuy does use my name. For instance, in the e-mail he sent he said

LinaThumbe, here's what I've got so far for the statistics project. Take a look at it and let me know what you think.

I just opened with a plain "Hi,".


Go figure, a google search says this is a quirk quite unique to autistic people. Huh. It gets even weirder when you consider I do have a minor name obsession, at least with the proper names of things and people in a sort of magical way.

Get a grip already!

LesMisGuy sent an e-mail with what he's done so far in the statistics project (which my passing or failing depends on, no less). I'm all over the place, for a while there I couldn't read the e-mail or any of the analysis he made because I was too busy freaking out. He even asked for feedback and I'm already sure I'll worry waaay too much about it. I want to keep the ball moving, you know? I want to make sure that it's not a dry "what you did is fine, we'll carry on tomorrow", I want an excuse to go on talking to him and have him reply. How about

Hi,

It looks good. There are a few minor things to go over in the writing (like subscripts and accents) and we could probably elaborate a bit on what rejecting or accepting the hypothesis actually means int he population, but it's good. CtW and I will meet tomorrow to work on the project and we should hopefully have it ready before Saturday. I'll e-mail it back to you before we hand it in on Monday in case there's anything that needs changing. See you on Monday.


linaThumbe

I'm tempted to write something asking how he did in the exam, but right now I'm the only one who's not already passing statistics and it would be embarrassing to have him ask me how I did. I suppose I could've also said something about studying for topology, but ideally we could cover that in person after the logic final exam, right? Do you suppose it's a bit bitchy to say there are a few things that need improvement, like he's not good enough? Or do you suppose he'll think I have no opinion if I just think it's fine the way it is? Do you suppose he has a girlfriend already? Oh, I'm pathetic!

Gorgeous,

I just wanted to let you know I have a huge crush on you. I was wondering if by any chance you happened to be single, and if you fancy me too, because I'd love you to be my boyfriend.

PS: What you've done so far looks good. I'll be working on it with CtW and have it ready by Saturday. After you take a look at it and make any changes it might need, we'll hand it in.


linaThumbe

Oh, come on, like I need more reason...

I had this dream last night where LesMisGuy and I had just gotten together and he came over. He came into my room, and the bed was sideways (head against the portrait). I lay on the bed and asked him to lay on it with me, so he took off his shirt (not sure why this was necessary, I found it unusually sexy) and lay on me and we started making out. I even remember caressing his back. Really nice, you know? I don't know if anything else happened in that particular dream, I sort of remember my parents getting home and leaving him in a hurry to go say hi while he got his shirt back on but it's lights out after that. In the dream I just woke up from I was in a car with family and we were driving around the countryside. I remember seeing this huge library that had been put on the hill for some local public school and it made me consider that I really do have a thing for big libraries. Somehow I'm drawn to the large numbers of books, even if they're books I don't intend to read or would be interested in. When we got back some guy (looked a bit like an american hillbilly, really) asked about a toad. Next thing I know I could only see half a toad and he was looking for the other half. Gross... Yeah, I'll just stick to thinking of making out with LesMisGuy, that was really nice.

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

That's the right way to see it, right?

I was just talking to A, who's still in BAs in wonderful weather, and I couldn't resist the urge to tell her about LesMisGuy when she brought up her guy crush 5 years younger than her. I told her about yesterday (though I omitted the whole "love you" whisper) and upon all my "it's terrible! I'm so cliché!" she laughed and said "you're the best". It's actually very encouraging, you know? Makes me feel it's quite alright to have feelings, as she says it's a way of knowing I'm actually alive. Not just alright, it's something to be proud of, something that makes me somehow superior. If there's a right way to feel about liking someone as much as I'm liking LesMisGuy right now, it has to be this. It has to be very close to this, if not. Bless her, I feel a bit less bad about being a complete idiot.

Can't focus...

Then again, you can probably guess why... Oh, I can't get my mind off of LesMisGuy! All I can think about is meeting him on Monday and trying to get some time on our own, see if something happens. If all else fails (which goes to say, if we can't get some time on our own to study topology), I've considered asking him to join me for coffee when we're out of the topology final exam. I've even considered what would happen if he's busy and has to leave right away, I could either walk away in shame, hating myself for trying or he could ask me out and tell me to meet him some other time. Something tells me I'm just deleting these possibilities just by imagining them in the first place, as is usually the case (things I imagine just never happen). But I want things to work between us so! I'm impatient, I'm anxious, I at least want to know if he likes me back and if we could maybe go out on a date once this whole exam thing is over with. Oh please, let him not have a girlfriend, let him be single and interested in me, let him like me, and really like me....

You know how I know I'm a pathetic animal?

I keep checking my e-mail, waiting for LesMisGuy to write about the statistics project.

Crazy, huh?

I had some crazy dreams last night... In one, I was in Ctg and LesMisGuy and I were together. We hung out at the club intended for people who're in the navy. He was a member. I was planning to lounge around in another club, but he wanted to stay there so I decided I could lounge around there. I even remember thinking of getting my hands on some sunscreen.

In another dream, my mum and dad had an argument. My dad wanted to take us out for dinner, and my mum said we couldn't afford it, that he always wasted money. She hinted at having lost 2-3 babies (imagine that!) because of him. He was all bummed out but still wanted to take us out for dinner, he was a little desperate. My sister and I got away from the argument but refused to go out for dinner.

In another dream, there was a tiny neighbourhood store where a little girl had taken over her mum's business baking. She'd baked all sorts of goods but they were all much too expensive.

In yet another dream, I was taking a shower in a fancy apartment, adapted from an apartment a girl from Ctg once lived in (in a building designed by Salmona, no less). I only remember showering, and seeing all of these wonderful books of paintings in a cupboard in the bathroom.

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Here you go folks, four *hundred* posts

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!

I got to university quite early (8am) to be in Pentagono and met CtW around 9 to study for today's statistics final exam. That was uneventful. Fast forward to waiting around in the classroom, just before the exam began. LesMisGuy was there and CtW told me we should talk to him about working on the project together. I was so childish! I looked away, tried hard to look busy writing stuff down in my book and told her to ask him, even though she argued I'm closer to him than she is. I joined in the conversation when I gave up. LesMisGuy stood around the back for a while, even after the conversation was sort of over, before taking a seat in one of the front rows. I most likely fucked up in the exam. Let's blame it on not really having worked on many of the problems assigned, not having bothered to copy them out in full, bad luck, and the fact that I was too busy thinking of LesMisGuy (and that's considering we didn't really talk much before the exam).

When he got up, the professor asked us to turn the papers in so I packed quickly and hoped he'd still be outside. He was. He was making a call, and as I got out I just went with the impulse to wave a goofy wave with my hand (most likely joined by a goofy smile and an easily concealed blush, as the classroom was, after all, quite warm). We talked a bit and CtW joined us. We walked out talking about the exam, the project and when we were outside, CtW left with several of the others to have a drink. LesMisGuy mentioned he couldn't join them, as he was driving (is it weird that I find his responsibility cute?). He said something about maybe getting together on Monday to work on the project and about e-mailing me (he said he had my address from the e-mails sent by our logic professor... I'm wondering now if he was "asking for permission"). When he kissed me goodbye (his hand on my arm again, most likely mechanical) I sort of whispered "love you" (in English) as I pulled back. It wasn't actually planned or completely intentional, it just sort of slipped. I was very flustered as I then walked away and hoped he wasn't following because I kept on rambling and muttering (again, in English).

Some way to fuck up, eh? Of course, there's a chance that he wasn't within earshot when I said it, that he didn't hear anyway, that he didn't understand if he heard, or that by whatever other reason he won't mind. After all, I do know his English isn't all that good and if anything his switch-to language would be French, right? If he heard me and understood, well I can only hope he actually likes me (and hope didn't mind, if he noticed, my ranting as I walked away). I was sort of shaking, as I walked away, actually. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the nerves and anxiety I feel around him (getting worse, I'm afraid, which is supposed to be a good thing, maybe). It occurred to me as I sat in the bus that those nerves might be wired all wrong. I'm wired to confuse anxiety with angst and nervousness with fear. No wonder I want to run away from feelings like LesMisGuy is waking. No wonder it takes quite a lot of effort to be near him. I'm wired wrong, even if it's only reasonable to be scared when showing your feelings (or having feelings you can't hide) puts one in such a vulnerable position. No wonder I'm scared if I got hurt before and it's this hard to fall for a guy. ´

It also crossed my mind that LesMisGuy got a haircut. When you consider he's also been working on his thesis and had to hand it in today, when you consider he must've been out of time, I'm tempted to make much of his taking the time to shave, cut his hair, wear new shoes and stay with us "working" on the project. Oh, he'd better like me too... if he likes me then that whisper was just corny, if he doesn't it must've been so weird!.

I'm actually tempted to say CtW might know something and might be trying to help us out, you know? She mentioned LesMisGuy today too, and insisted on working with him (though as we sat before the exam I mentioned he should probably finish the project with the guy who got the exams... LesMisGuy wasn't there, the other guy was and he mentioned planning to work with someone else). She mentioned having met him on Saturday and how he'd been working on his thesis (that's how I figured, yes, I'm that distraught). The fact that he's finished his thesis, that A will get back from BAs on Monday, that he's e-mailing me (if only project info, you know I'll read more into it), the fact that we're meeting on Monday... it all makes me quite anxious. I feel that things are just about to happen, you know?

*drumroll*

Monday, 22 November 2010

Antici...

Oh, I'm driving myself mad here... I can't study, I can't sleep, I can't focus on anything and all I can think of is seeing LesMisGuy tomorrow and getting a chance to talk to him, preferably in private. I'm pathetic for putting it in these terms, but I can just feel something's going to happen and I'm just too impatient to wait it out. I can just see things happen, you know? I can just imagine being with him: sitting on a sofa watching a film with his arm around me and my head on his shoulder, making out standing against a wall, gently caressing his neck as he wraps his arms around my waist...

Shoes

Did I mention I was out with my parents to watch Harry Potter again? Did I mention we ended up buying shoes (lovely red and navy with tiny heels)? I couldn't resist, so I wore the red ones to university today because, you know, LesMisGuy said he's show up for the logic class. I hated the constant clacking of the heels against the hard floors (so not subtle) but they looked fairly nice. I've also taken grooming up a notch, though the weather and my hair weren't on the same page today so I had to stick to a bun. You know what was funny, though? I think LesMisGuy's doing the same. He was wearing new converse shoes today and he shaved (which, come to realise, he very rarely does). I think, at least when I believe he might fancy me, he's doing it for me. It's a little funny because I already like him, and I happen to think he's gorgeous no matter what shoes he wears (though I do find boots in general rather odd) or whether or not he shaves.

It's a shame we didn't get to really talk, though I kinda messed up on that one. I got there early, and the others arrived in groups. In particular, LesMisGuy got there with the only other girl in the class and the guy who taught me analysis. He even said hi by name, and I just said hi to everyone and said I was ok, instead of inquiring about him or trying to make conversation. They talked about the statistics final exam tomorrow and I could've joined in the conversation, but I just stuck to building an origami crane. What a loser! And I couldn't even concentrate in class! There I was, supposed to be thinking of recursive functions and of course I was off in a fantasy where I went to the library with LesMisGuy to get the book we needed for the homework assignment and he stole a kiss from me. Oh dear... Let's hope I'm not completely mad and there's hope to hold on to there...

Saturday, 20 November 2010

Here we go, body image issues seeping in...

You know how LesMisGuy said he liked girls with BMI's less than or equal to 20? Well I couldn't help myself so I put my numbers in, and it turns out I'm a 21.6. Not that far, true, but I'm a bit too "in the middle" and too close to the side of the overweight bar (25) for his taste. I've been losing my appetite for a few days now (before he said that), and now I'm eating less food on purpose. I've even made my mind up to try and work out until I lose 4kg. In case it happens in the future, I'm calling it out now: I think there's a chance that LesMisGuy would turn out to be a bit controlling, so just to be safe I'll make sure to ask if he likes me and what he likes about me before I get myself too caught up to do/say anything. Right now I could go without food, but I just had to eat some cereal, if only to fight back those thoughts. I have enough issues with my body as it is, I don't need someone to come rubbing it in and making things worse I can do that by myself, thank you very much.

Tiny fun fact

For some reason, I refer to LesMisGuy in my mind as "gorgeous". For the record, I do think he's gorgeous.

Friday, 19 November 2010

Well, hello there

Just got back from Harry Potter with AOB and his little bro. I won't say it was downright bad, I'll admit I loved most of the jokes (though they ruined the hole-y joke, I think) and I really liked the way Dobby died, but a few things were just unnecessary. I don't see, for instance, why they wasted so much time showing Harry and Hermione hiding (even more so without Ron! I'm growing a celebrity crush for Rupert!). It was a waste of time and they could've well used that time developing the story a bit more. I understand how they like to do the landscaping shots every so often, but it was really unnecessary to waste so much time in nothing (even to prove a point of how long it took to do anything about the locket).

Now, I suppose they needed to make it suitable "for children" (for Chrissakes, who are they kidding? They show Daniel and Emma kissing half naked!), but I would've expected the shot of Bathilda to be quite more gruesome (even if I wasn't ready to see it). There were a few things like Daniel and Emma dancing which were endearing (and quite funny, in a quirky way) but unnecessary. I'm also not too fond of the whole Harmony boating theme, I'm quite sure it's not in the books (J.K. Rowling said it herself). I do take issue with the ending, though. For one, it was lousy to end the film with Dobby dying (however moving), and I feel the actual ending was just something of a teaser for part two. The problem with that is they show Voldemort being almighty and dangerous because he finally got his hands on the elder wand, though it turns out in the book he can't use it because it doesn't belong to him! Outrageous... to take advantage of the idiots who don't read the books like that... and to mock us who do, too!

As a small observation, I'm quite sure it wasn't really Ralph Fiennes all the time in the first shots of Voldemort. His mouth was off (and there were a few too many veins showing at times, which was uncalled for). Now... where have I seen the guy who played Minister (the one with short hair)? Also, I sort of missed the argument where the Minister said Hermione would make a great lawyer someday.

So... to give some heed to the mild paranoia here,

*cue AOB calling

Wow, just 2 min... Gut. You see, I do think he was trying to make conversation. It was awfully sweet (it always is) for him to worry about whether or not I got home and then remember I can't call back to answer so he called me. But trying to pick up on the conversation about the things I just said (and checking Wikipedia like we agreed we would) was a little off. I suppose he noticed I was quite distracted. I took heed of the claymation thing he wants me to check out I can't promise to follow up on it anytime soon, though.

Back to what I meant to say, I think he might've sort of been fetching for something remotely similar to a date, and brought up A and his little bro (and my little sister) only to make it less awkward. Because it's been a long time since we last met, I was kinda cool with it being just him. Then again, I can't say I would've stayed cool for long. I suppose EBF was quite exceptional (oh, and I think he was in one of my latest dreams, only I can't quite remember). Oh, and Srq too, you know? Yes, those two (and gay guys). I'm cool being alone with them and I don't have to worry about them thinking things (involving me) I wouldn't want them to think.

AOB's little brother made a funny remark today, he said I looked like a smurf. Funny thing is (and I didn't fully realise until I was changing into pijamas) I did. I agreed with him on the spot because, why the hell not, but realised he must have a very keen eye. I was wearing black suede boots, the aqua pants, an aqua shirt underneath a white shirt underneath a black sweater, and (casually) aqua socks too. I'm quite sure the socks could've have shown, and I suppose my mess of a bun might've looked like a smurf hat, but I thought it was even funnier of him to notice... My fashion sense, you say? Questionable? Certainly, but I'm sure I don't try to look in any particular way all the time. I just sort of go by moods and whatever I feel like wearing. Some days I feel like looking decent (not actually pretty, mind you) and others I just feel like wearing whatever sort of goes and will keep me warm. Other times "sort of going together" is enough to get things together and putting them on. Even this crush thing doesn't make me want to wear particularly nice clothes (albeit, whenever I think it's ok, I will wear more revealing ones ever so casually).

As we waited in line for me to get a cab (I thought it was odd but didn't ask why AOB didn't offer to give me a ride, I reckon I shouldn't expect him to) AOB remarked his little bro is strange. I answered he wasn't exactly normal himself and I found them both to be very cool, nice people. I don't know if he was hinting at the fact that his little bro is gay, or if he was just somehow trying to make himself superior to his little bro, but I'm not sure where that came from (except it didn't just happen into the conversation). Also, when talking about my hair (however did the conversation drift there) he said something about how his mum had an afro. I corrected him and said it must've been a perm, but he insisted. I think this started when I said something about how I had had my hair short and how I'd found it annoying. I would've much preferred an afro (NOT) if it would keep hair out of my eyes. I argued this wasn't easy, though, because of the way my hair is. I tied a not, pulled, let go and showed how it just undid itself. He sort of complimented my hair, saying that's what they do in commercials and how that's actually a sign of healthy hair...

I want to make out with LesMisGuy. I'm also quite sure I dreamed of him last night too (nothing eventful, he was just there) and I'm hoping I have nice dreams about him. Maybe I can convince my unconscious that he does like me and it's ok to go near him. (I will, by all means, go near him as often as I can).


As a fun fact, I'd just like to say a few things: I found (or remembered?) that the lovely gay guy in maths who's also studying economy smells really good (better than LesMisGuy, but that's beside the point when you consider I'm all in for LesMisGuy and that kind of thing doesn't matter). I think AOB's little bro smells exactly like him (or very similarly). You know who also smells really nice? D. Same smell, I'd swear (and even if I got Ralph Fiennes right I should be granted reasonable doubt because of the way noses are wired to human brains).

First, a nasty dream, then... oh my...

So, on to the awful bit first. I had a dream where two friends (guys) were talking. Apparently, one had gotten the dog of the other killed, or it had died in his watch. The other guy, appalled at first, then asked his other dog to eat the first's remains so he'd grow strong. The images of a rotting doggie corpse open with another dog licking it are just beyond macabre. I wonder if they have anything to do with some trauma regarding my other dog, the one who died hit by a car... Also, I had a dream the night before last about a boy (about 12) who had been having sex with a girl (no more than 7, I think). He argued she liked it, up until he actually penetrated her and didn't care if he hurt her. He grew up working in the parking lot of a building, and had a thing for apparently defenseless children who slept in sleeping bags. A man and his son came by the garage, and the boy was sleeping in the back seat in a sleeping bag. Next thing I saw was the now grown once child molester kill the dad with a blow to the head and take the boy after hearing him mutter half asleep that he didn't feel safe. I could only guess he'd kill the boy.

Now that the nasty bit is over with, let's get on to less nasty bits. I'm sort of growing frustrated with the guy who got the exams (and CtW), they always seem to get in the way... For instance, whenever I want to talk to LesMisGuy (and only LesMisGuy) he's there and refuses to go. Today, more by chance than anything I'll admit, he was between CtW and LesMisGuy so when I changed seats I was still exam guy away from LesMisGuy. They ended up doing the project on their own while I got stuck waiting for CtW, helping her out and eventually falling so far behind we decided to work on the numerical analysis assignment. By then, however, I was already too distracted. As LesMisGuy and the other guy left, I tried to make conversation, I was hoping LesMisGuy would stay a bit longer, but the other guy stayed (ok, partly my fault). I asked about studying for topology (they'd asked about the logic assignment and it seemed... logical?). LesMisGuy said (and I do wonder if he knew what I was thinking) we'd meet for all the final exams (we are after all in almost the same classes) and that he'd be free about a week before the topology final. He said we'd see about things then. We agreed we'd meet on Monday. I even asked if they'd (I obviously was just interested in whether or not he'd

I can only hope I can snatch some alone time with LesMisGuy on Monday. On the one hand, I'm thinking: if he knows I like him, he can afford to wait until it won't be "in the way" of all the exams. It's the most sensible thing to do, really. I really don't have the time to fool around, and neither has he (except he could afford to waste it and I can't). On the other hand, a part of me's thinking that if it doesn't happen soon it just won't happen because we'll be out of time (and let's face it, LesMisGuy does have quite a few girl friends he says hi to around university, and that's only counting the few I've noticed). And that's when it comes to... oh my...

I could hardly concentrate on anything as we worked (or CtW did, anyway). Let's leave aside the fact that CtW's awful chewing of the gum I gave her annoyed me (let's take note never to offer her gum again, shall we?). Let's leave aside the fact that I thought the guy who got exams was in the way. It's all about the fact that I wanted them out so I could make out with LesMisGuy. I want to kiss him so... you know? And you know what contributed to that urge to just go kiss him? We started talking about whatever statistics and he talked about the proportion of overweight women, so we (obviously) turned it scientific and talked about BMIs. He said something about liking girls with a 20 or less (which brought to mind a few self-image issues I'm none too comfortable with) and how being over 25 was being overweight. I mentioned models were required to be 18s and I that I didn't think the overweight bar could go any lower than 30-40 (I was right, for morbid obesity). I couldn't help myself so I checked wikipedia real quick (we were in a computer room, after all) and it turns out he was right.

I can't describe how incredibly sexxy I found the fact that he was right, you know? My, my.... his smarts are so sexy! And it's all so weird, you know? It's weird how I want to do things with him I never considered with D. I want to mess with his hair, I want to kiss his hands, I want him to hold me from behind and I want to sit down next to him and kiss him as I caress his neck. I want to do all those things all the more when he's sexy smart like that. I don't know what it is about him, really... it's not any one thing in particular, and I don't even know if thinking he liked me had anything to do with it (because I could've just settled for freaking out, and I didn't grow out of that with AOB thinking how great he is). I do not know myself when I'm desperate to kiss LesMisGuy... I do not... it had been so long since I last felt this strong urge to kiss, the need to be hugged, the impulse to touch, I just plain don't recognise myself.

Oh, I'll be off to watch Harry Potter with AOB and his little bro in a bit, isn't it nice?

Thursday, 18 November 2010

Care to venture a guess?

So... today's day eh? Well, off to an early start after just a few hours' sleep, I was incredibly bored during logic class (more so because LesMisGuy didn't show up... or for the numerical analysis class later). He did, however, show up for statistics (as well as a lot of other people who hardly ever show up... the professor even said "You are aware of the fact that the partial exam's tomorrow, right?"). Leaving aside the fact that they pissed her off (and for good reason too, you know? they actually pushed for her to give us exercises to consider for the final exam... really shameless), the class was rather uneventful (except, if I may, for the tiny glance LesMisGuy and I shared when he got to the classroom and prepared to take a seat.

I was hoping to reach him when the class ended, so I could ask him to study with me. I got out with CtW quite a bit earlier than him and we were already leaving when I told CtW we should really consider studying for the partial exam, so I went back to try and get to LesMisGuy and the guy who got exams. They both agreed, and we met after lunch. I could've preferred to stay with LesMisGuy, but he asked whom else we'd be studying with and I sort of blurted out the other guy's name as well as CtW. Truth is, I was still half hoping he'd show up first and we'd get some time by ourselves before the other guy arrived, but it turned out to be the other way round.

Anyway, from 2-8 (seriously!) we were in the maths department basement with another 15 people, working on exercises for tomorrow's statistics partial exam. That's a really long time (a record, I believe) to spend around mathematicians, working on exercises. It was actually rather nice, as so many of them are sweethearts, not to mention useful. As we started off, it was just LesMisGuy, 2-3 other guys and me. I couldn't help but notice (because, you know I'm prone to notice this kind of thing), when we stood next to each other, he stood really close. I even had a tiny chance to touch him, however briefly, as he stood near. It's odd though, in the sense that it felt like he was being very possessive. I felt he was trying to say "my girl, you guys stay away from her", even though I wasn't really close to the other guys (except when we sat down on the big sofas, and I ended up sitting in the same sofa with another guy). I even had time to think it could hint at terrible fits of jealousy. Fortunately, if anything works out, I think he can trust me not to give him reason to be jealous and he can be reasonable about it.

It does feel like something is just on the verge of happening, with all the glances going back and forth (if I'm not imagining those). There's even a chance that CtW notices it, I think she may have been trying to bring him into conversations: today, for instance, she asked for his last name. On an impulse, I said I couldn't remember ('course I do!). She then mentioned how she thinks he's really cool. I tried to mention how several other guys we were with today are sweethearts and cool too. I may have only given her more reason to think there's something there... By all means, if I haven't, I'm sure I will (or we will?) tomorrow, as we agreed to work on the statistics project with LesMisGuy. His suggestion, actually (I wonder if he was thinking something along the same lines as me when I suggested we study together today...).

So.... leaving side the fact that my neck is sore (neck rub, LesMisGuy?) from being so tense and that the stress is even pulling on the muscles holding my neck bones together so they actually make a really annoying clicking noise when I move, I couldn't be a lot more glad that they postponed the discrete geometry homework until Sunday, and I'm actually looking forward to working with LesMisGuy tomorrow (it will be just him and me, around 4, if it takes that long to get things done).

Oh! I almost forgot! You know what awarded LesMisGuy so many points (not that he needs them, I'm beyond that now, I think... )? Another one of the portraits in his kindle: Charlotte Brontë. Don't ask me why, the fact that he reads XIX century romantic novels is so hot.

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

New symptom: clumsiness

So... much like I suppose schoolgirls would assume, I figured it couldn't hurt to use some makeup today, so I used a minimum of mascara just at the tips of my eyelashes and even pressed down with my fingers to make sure they weren't thick with product. I used minor amounts of concealer to hide a smudge or two I'm not too comfortable with, and as usual some clinique powder. I'm quite sure they weren't there when I got to university, but I just noticed (and hope they were recent) tiny black spots under my eyes... in the makeup world, that's disaster. I think I need some good waterproof mascara... and I need to check my face more often in mirrors. Hopefully the glasses helped some to hide it.

Onto my brief day today... as often as I could and dared (I think my professor might've caught on, which could spell trouble) I looked at LesMisGuy, though he was inconveniently between the two other guys in class. He looked back once and our eyes met, I'll make nothing of what I'm about to write.

As we got out of the classroom I think we were both trying to make sure the other guys got out first so we could talk, but we ended up leaving together. As we got out of the building, he tried to start a conversation with me, asking if I'd take the topology final exam, and I couldn't find my student ID, and dropped a pen looking for it, so I couldn't answer on time and by the time I got past the machine, he was with the other guys. Fuck. Then, as we stood outside talking, I did my best to stand close to him. As close as I dared, anyway. He didn't move, and I'll make nothing of that. He brushed against me once, and I'll make nothing of that. He leaned to kiss me goodbye and put his hand on my arm as he did so, which I'll reckon is "standard procedure" among some guys, so I'll make nothing of that.

I tried to stall him, asking him a question I could've addressed to the others, asking if they'd study for the topology final exam and whether it was ok for me to join them. A part of me's thinking "he knows", in which case it's only a matter of the little time we have to make something happen. I'm planning to try and talk to him tomorrow (it's what I intended today, the other guys were just in the way), ask if he'd like to work on statistics exercises for Friday. I'd have to get him on his own, though, I'm just not too sure it's going to be easy. Maybe there will be a tiny window sometime before numerical analysis... maybe...

For the time being, I'm stuck being stupid, clumsy, insistent, and feeling that lovely warm rush when he's near. As for the makeup, lesson learned: will not bother tomorrow. Even if it really was in tiny amounts. I'll insist on wearing clothes as revealing as the awful weather allows, though.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Oh, for crying out loud....

.....

I told A about LesMisGuy, and with newgrown balls from that dream I had about him, I set out to do a couple of things today: I tried to look his way often, caress my neck ever so subtly whenever he might be looking, if possible talk to him (didn't happen) and I even wanted to walk by him and gently caress hiss arm/back by accident. I'm driving myself mad here! First, there's the fact that he sticked around for statistics class (though he hardly ever goes) and tried to talk to me before the class started about the exercises we're supposed to work on for Friday. Then there's also the fact that he walked by the row of chairs (front row) instead of in front of the board or by the wall to reach his usual spot in the back... for a while there I thought he could've sat near me (CtW hadn't arrived yet and the classroom was fairly empty). And, during abstract algebra, I did my best to look his way (if only with the corner of my eye most of the time) as often as I could, which actually resulted in noticing he did look my way.

However, consider a few things: first of all, he might've only turned my way during class because I was looking at him first; also, as we walked out of abstract algebra, I tried hard to leave at the same time as him but when I got out he was talking on the phone. This last point led to a few more thoughts. He's usually talking to someone on the phone when we're out of class. Guys don't report to their mothers, they report to their girlfriends. I mean, there aren't an awful lot of other reasons why he'd be making calls the minute he's out of class.

And here I was, thinking of telling him to study with me on Thursday afternoon (seeing as another guy and I got the class cancelled and no one raised his hand to make sure it took place anyway). It was perfect: CtW's supposed to be in class from 2-4 and if I got LesMisGuy tomorrow whenever the guy who gets exams wasn't around, that would guarantee some alone time. While we were together, I'd take a chance to stand as close to him as I could every so often, and sometimes brush my hand against him to write something down. He'd be bound to get some signs and respond, right? The rest was, also all in my head only in the less realistic part: he'd end up holding my hand, or I could say I'm cold and he could surprise me with a hug... anything that could lead to us standing close together so we could lean in for a kiss.

You know what makes this worse? Part of me's thinking if I imagine it, it's never going to happen, the only way things can happen is when I least expect them: I need to keep the belief that it's not going to happen so it can truly surprise me when it does, and it can actually happen. I know, crazy... I believe it's part of the superstitious part of me wanting to take over, and I think it's actually because of the way human brains are wired, we're looking for patterns everywhere. As if it weren't enough mindfuck to be torn between thinking things may or may not come to work out with LesMisGuy, I'm justifying the mindfuck as if it could possibly make things work....

......

As a side note, I think my discrete geometry professor really has something against me: in his e-mail introducing short homework assignments he said he'd grant 0 for not trying, 0.5 for trying, and 1.0 for (almost) succeeding. He gave me a 0.75. Seriously??? Come on!

Monday, 15 November 2010

Teenage dream, twisted

Just to get it out of the way, I woke up to Darren Criss' "Teenage Dream,"



which may or may not have anything to do with the dream I just woke up from. I was in university, and it was tomorrow. Ben had told us all to go home to bring him the exams so he could grade them, so a lot of people wasted time leaving. I found I still had mine in my bag, so I didn't bother. I hadn't seen LesMisGuy in class, so I sat around near the classroom, in a dream customised bit of university. It was a shallow pool (3-4ft deep) next to a cafe. I sat near the water reading a book (Penguin, no idea which title... I think it may have been Charles Dickens, but then again, probably not).

LesMisGuy came by. He was wearing a white t-shirt and a black leather jacket. He asked about today's class and I briefly told him about what we'd done. He said he wanted to buy something to eat at the cafe and asked me to look after his stuff. He left for a while and came back saying he couldn't read any of the stuff on the board, apparently he hadn't brought his glasses. I went with him and took note of the stuff he wanted to buy: some Besitos (only they went by another name, and were very hard, which is what he actually wanted), a jar of coffee (by some name that sounded like Diana, they had at least 3 names there), and something else I can't remember (he considered buying a bag of cookies, which he dropped on the floor and I picked up, but then didn't). In the end, I didn't order for him, he ordered stuff himself.

There was a point where our heads were really close together, he was saying something about not being able to see, and I leaned forward so our heads touched at our foreheads. I pecked him on the cheek, made my way to his lips and stopped. He was uncomfortable. We went back to where our stuff was and next thing I know we're sitting on a table with the guy from school1 who's in topology with us. LesMisGuy offered to buy us dinner, said he had a lot of money to spend, and asked us to pick a restaurant. At this point I held his hand (my left to his right) under the table before he began eating the stuff he'd just bought. He said I'd give him an infection if I held his hand and let go. He said the dinner invitation wasn't for that day, and then he started talking to the other guy about maybe going bowling.

How about that, now? Do you suppose I'd be as brave around LesMisGuy? Do you suppose he'd turn me down like that? I don't know what to think... I can't even remember the last time I even dreamed of having the guts to do something like that. It was actually nice, in my dream, until he turned me down. I'd love to be able to pull off being near him in real life, but I guess I'm afraid he'll just say no. The stuff I did in the dream was probably a bit too much. I was hoping that we could maybe have coffee together and I could try to let my hand rest near his and let a finger brush against his hand, if only to gauge his reaction. No harm, no foul, right? If he ignored it or shunned me I could just take my finger back, keep it to myself for what was left of our cups of coffee and never bother again. If all went well, he could reciprocate and we could end up holding hands.

Sunday, 14 November 2010

That was just awful, awful!

I just woke up from a terrible dream. It started off not so bad, school1 was now university, and the people in class were those from school1 as well as some of the people I'm in class with now. In my dream the guy with the astounding ECAES in systems engineering and the guy who taught me analysis were a couple and were quite proud about it. I found it very sweet and endearing. They both played guitar and got together ad the second guy's place. CtW and I were planning a number for us to perform in school, and it was due at the beginning of the next year, around January or February. It was just an idea, and the others still had to approve it by voting online. The girls from school1 made it sound like they were giving us a sporting chance but we'd be doing things their way anyway.

We had decided we'd be singing to classical music and at some point decided we might hire musicians (a pianist and a guitarist), but it was too expensive so I started playing the piano. As soon as the guy (some 40 year old guy with red hair and beard) were done playing a song, he turned the pages of the book were the scores were to a play by Les Luthiers. He started playing but I told him to stop while I looked for something else and decided on the Russian tzar number. Now, the book of scores had pictures and at some point the sleigh they were on crashed, which resulted in a number of dead goats. Apparently, the guy who does the narration had killed and tattered up the goats himself. I started to do the same with my little one, without killing her. I called for CtW because she knew how to kill her without chopping of my little one's head, and she cut off one of the fingers off of one of her hind legs. It was intended to make her bleed to death, and whatever position she died in she'd be stuck in for display. Last thing I remember my little one was sitting down very slowly, very much in pain, and she was wearing a Santa Claus jacket. I was crying and whimpering like a dog. First thing I did when I woke up was get her in my room and hug her.

Saturday, 13 November 2010

Minor political rant

Now, if I have to blame anyone let's blame it on my cousin for posting on his facebook wall that he's glad same-sex marriage is not allowed in my home country. Just to be fair, though, this goes for all the people who think it's wrong to be gay just because they're not gay.

I haven't been keeping very good track of things around here, but let's make a short list:
- murderers are allowed to get away with murder if they have the right friends
- politicians are allowed to get away with stealing, killing, covering up lies, withholding information and having the wrong friends
- drug dealers are allowed to get away with murder, trafficking and all the harm they do, only because it gives them the money to buy impunity
- pimps are allowed to get away with pimping because the secrets they keep are important
- pedophiles are allowed to get away with sexual abuse and some even become priests
- people who hit their spouses and children are allowed to get away with it because "it's a part of our culture"

Don't tell me now that gay people aren't allowed to love each other and get the State to recognise their union when even mistresses get the benefits granted by law to spouses. It's fucking outrageous and I don't have to agree with people who claim gay marriage is wrong because it doesn't affect them at all!!!

And I haven't even been watching films lately...

I had the oddest set of dreams last night:

In one, I was Srq's gf, he'd broken up with his old girlfriend and he even introduced me to his friends. It was particularly weird because he had bought a lot of flowers (including the vases) for his old girlfriend's graduation and he decided to give it all to me. I was honoured, but awkward. For the record, we only sat together on a chair and he put his arm around me. Now, I could stand here wondering why it was Srq and not LesMisGuy, but I figure it's because I know what Srq's like as a boyfriend, and I suppose I'd need a great boyfriend to compensate for how awful a girlfriend I'd be (at least while I got the hang of it). I can't really imagine what LesMisGuy must be like, but I do hope he's not taken, or that would account for bit where Srq had just broken up with his old girlfriend.

In another dream, there was a world of giants (alien giants, I think) and Hugh Jackson came from it. He got in through "windows" to this other world and you could see HUGE women talking to him in the sky (huge as in, you could only just see their faces and parts of their shoulders). Not sure what else happened there, but there was a group of kids following Hugh around.

In another dream, Mary Poppins was helping some old man who had a store where he sold snow cones and a couple of kids came by to visit. The store was furbished inside like an old fashioned pub, and from the outside, you could feel the winter cold as you approached the building.

In another dream, I woke up from bed in a room with two beds and a short while later, my sister came in to sleep in the other one. I woke up and got to the bathroom, a fairly large, black marble bathroom with two doors leading to it.

WARNING:
In yet another dream, I was sitting on a diner table across from a man and a sleazy looking woman. Tz and some other girl came in to sit on my left and then regretted it, for I was giving the guy (not very attractive 40-something, at that) a footjob while the other woman gave him a handjob and he sometimes helped himself a little bit, hoping to come, only he couldn't.

Friday, 12 November 2010

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

I just saw Wednesday´s glee episode and may I say, it was GREAT! I already love Chris Colfer, and Kurt, and I adore Blaine (Darren Criss) and I quite agree he's somewhat more important as a significant role model than he is as Kurt's future boyfriend. In fact, as much as I'd love to see Kurt with a boyfriend, I'd really rather it weren't Blaine, because it would ruin that role model part a little. Either way, I couldn't stop smiling while the guy at Dalton performed and Kurt stood awed. I coudn't stop smiling at the prospect of a world where being gay is ok, and I'm not gay (that I'm aware). It was so inspiring...On the other hand I also loved Dot Marie Jones, she's lovely even if she looks tough and I loved the image projected. I can't stop mentioning the fact that the jackass jock kissed Kurt. That was just... wow... I'm still in the OMG phase.

On to today... I got to university early to study for today's partial exam and I may have fucked that up, at least somewhat. I'd just like to point out the fact that as we were handing back the papers LesMisGuy and I exchanged glances, he got out first and chatted with some of the guys outside, I joined him as quickly as I could (I would've joined him sooner but the professor moved around and I couldn't give her my exam paper). We chatted a bit, he asked for the list of exercises we're supposed to work on for statistics and as CtW walked out and we started walking out of the classroom he said he had to go (clearly not to class, though I didn't go either) and I want to make much out of the fact that he addressed the good-bye at me calling me by name and didn't bother with CtW even though she was right there. I wonder how much of this is all in my head... I do hope it's not too much, and I do hope there's hope for me.

As a tiny side gossipy note, I'd like to write down the fact that the girl who's my sister's age and getting married is in fact, pregnant. Go figure.

Thursday, 11 November 2010

Bloody cold

I've had a cold all week. It started on Sunday, just a bit of a tingle in my throat, but I know it. First thing I know, I wake up with a sore throat and it always evolves into a full-blown cold. I took vitamin C, I've been taking antihistamines, mebucaine, acetaminophen (for the headaches and menstrual cramps, lucky me), rubbing my chest and neck with VapoRub, and for all I know, I've only managed not to be too snotty and to avoid a fever. To make things worse, my lips are chapping waaay too easily, so I've been using a lot of lip balm. It would only be a good thing if I looked good wearing the lip balm, but my lips are so dry they don't look good, I can only just sort of protect them from further harm. Of course, the though of chapped lips does bring to mind the best way I know how to fix them, but it's not really a way right now.

While we're on the subject, as we walked into the classroom we had numerical analysis class in, LesMisGuy was standing near the door, and I already wanted to talk to him, so I said hi. I might've fucked up saying I'd move on to where I usually sat, as I could tell there was a conversation there just waiting to be had, but there were a number of things that make me think it may have been the right choice after all. First, there were others in the classroom, LesMisGuy sort of tripped on the end of a step (which I want to interpret as a lot more than it probably is), which brought unwanted attention to us (if I'm going to have a conversation, I'd really rather have it without others possibly gossiping about it later), the professor was due in any time soon, and I'd hate to waste a perfectly good conversation about how we did in yesterday's topology exam (hopefully, not too bad) having to rush it to an end when the class started. Granted, I could've sat next to him for the day and it wouldn't have been so bad, but I always sit by CtW and it would've broken some code, I'm sure.

I'm also a bit self-conscious with this stupid cold. I feel disgusting and I can't help but think it can't be very tempting to have one-on-one's if being close can get him sick too... I do intend, if the opportunity eventually arises (but he'd have to show up for class a bit more often) to ask him to join me for coffee or something some day when he's done with his thesis. I want to tell him I like him, because maybe he likes me back and I'd love to have things work between us (and they so could). I'm procrastinating until next week, at least, when I'm done being sick and disgusting. I'm procrastinating until we're not chock-full of work to do and we can relax for a bit. I'm putting it off for a bit but I have to make sure we talk before it's time for final exams because once those are over it will be too long. In the meantime all I can do is signal him to the best of my scarce abilities, just so he knows I'm interested and it's quite alright to approach me. I want to talk to him if he'll just wait for a bit outside the classroom we're having an exam in tomorrow. I'll try and leave at about the same time as him, and I'll try to wait for him, ask how he did and try to follow up on that. If it goes well, we could skip the statistics class and talk for a while. If I manage not to say anything too stupid, that is. Well, if I'm right about the tripping, he might be a little clumsy himself, so...

I can't even get the idea of kissing him, hugging him and holing his hands out of my head... I can't remember what any of this felt like before... I really think I might be too old to be only just learning, and I hope he's patient enough (I trust he's smart enough for most everything else) that he'll give things a chance to work out.

On another subject, I had lunch by myself today at a restaurant and, wouldn't you know it, a couple breaking up sat next to me. It was so uncomfortable... She was crying, explaining she'd lost track of what was academic and what was emotional (I take it she's also his tutor, which is a no-no in most books, but you're about to find it's a bit worse than that). She was tired of him taking advantage of her academically (though she didn't put it in those words I'm quite sure that's what she meant), she was tired of not being able to deal with him being a terrible student because regardless it was hurting her as a professional and if she had to look at things that way she'd rather have a job than a relationship. She was giving him an ultimatum, hoping he'd somehow react and tell her he'd change.

Him, you ask? He was too busy eating (on his own), not really listening. He didn't even talk when he was cued to. He just sat there, not even making eye-contact. Once he was done eating, he told her she was just thinking too much. He dismissed everything she'd said when she poured her heart out, just like that. She picked up his plate and threw it in the bin. The son of a bitch was using her for sex, abusing her lack of self-esteem (and she was really quite pretty, rather mature to judge by her way to know her feelings, as well as a great girlfriend) and saying only just enough so she'd give up on the ultimatum and choose to stay with him anyway. I wanted to punch him in the face, so badly. I wanted to tell the girl to get away and follow through on her ultimatum, tell her she deserved and quite clearly could do much better than him. I sort of think he may be a sociopath, and it's just terrible.

It was a rather depressing lunch when you add that to the rain, loneliness and only just almost prospect of love in some rather vague future.

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Ground

Still bummed about discrete geometry. Our project proposal only scored a measly 4.2 which won't work wonders to raise my grade.

However, there is some room in here today for a post on warm fuzzy feelings, albeit more down-to-Earth ones. I spent all afternoon with the guys from topology, not all of them, LesMisGuy, Srq and the guy who gets the old exams (let's call it my paranoia, but there may be something there I'll just allow to slip my mind for the moment). Courtesy of having read (yes, I'm admitting it, it's my Sheldon-esque approach, if you will) Flirting for Dummies I've done my best to use the subtlest hints. I've tried to look his way a lot more often, which has resulted in meeting his gaze my way a couple of times. I believe I've still got the smile to work on, and I'm positive I won't be using the eyebrow move, as it's just weird. I did, however deliberately point my feet and hands in his direction and found I did so instinctively too. I tried to wear clothes that looked good on me and even picked nicer earrings.

Next on the list should be the suggestive self-touching, which I think he may or may not be doing deliberately himself. It's a little funny when I think about it that way, but he does mess with his hair quite a bit (which works, I want to mess with it too), and he plays with his lower lip (which, you know, brings to mind the idea of kissing him). I don't know if he did all this before or does it now because I'm looking, and I wouldn't know because, of course, I didn't look as much before. For the time being I'm sticking to keeping my hands near my neck, which I do anyway when it's cold to get them warm, only now I gently run my fingers up and down here and there. I should also probably learn to bat my eyelashes without looking retarded.

I'm not sure it's working, or if it's meant to, but he's not avoiding me (like he has, sometimes), I'm not running away as much and I managed not to say a single stupid thing today, all good things. One cool bonus? LesMisGuy had a portrait of Jules Verne in his kindle. That is just so... love-a-ful. I have the sneaking suspicion that Srq knows LesMisGuy likes me and is trying to help him out, which is really sweet of him. Today, for instance, I was sitting next to Srq in the room we were studying in and he got up, wrote a bit and took LesMisGuy's place when he got up so LesMisGuy would sit next to me. That and a couple of instances of leaving us behind and talking to the guy who gets the exam. LesMisGuy started asking about the abstract algebra partial exam and I sort of screwed up (though not really, we could still talk about it) telling the others about the exam and not remembering jackshit about it. Oh well... I still think it's going quite well, and even found myself playing the song from The Beauty and the Beast that where they say "I think there's something there that wasn't there before." 




That, along with a couple of songs from The Sound of Music are today's soundtracks.

As for the down-to-Earth part of this, I realised today as we all had lunch he doesn't have the best table manners, not-so-tiny minus. He smells good, but not great (ignore all cologne, though he does have impeccable for colognes). The thing is, I was still thinking of wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him when I said good-bye. So he's not Mr. Perfect. However, he's not Mr. Good-Enough either, he's Mr. As-Good-As-It-Gets, and it could get really good, you know? I mean, it really doesn't get a lot better, and I find I'm already bypassing the table manners and thinking I could grow fond of his smell, even if it's only an 80% genetic match according to my nose. I still want him to hug me, I love the fact that he's sweet, and smart (and the nice kind of smart at that too, you know?) as well as brilliant. I would love to join him for coffee and talk. I'd love to go out with him often enough that we could go out on a date and actually start dating, because I just know it would be lovely. I'd have to give him credit though: if I'm right about him liking me it means he knows too, and actually knew before me (which, again, shouldn't surprise me, as he is quite brilliant).

We're meeting again to study tomorrow, so I'll be writing more then if there's any news.

Monday, 8 November 2010

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

... I'm so screwed. I'm so fucking screwed! I'll never pass discrete geometry, seriously. I need a freaking 5 in what's coming to even hope to pass, and that's not terribly likely. The last homework could've awarded a 3 if it weren't for the fact that Srq and I shared our code. On the one hand, I shouldn't have bothered with the bit of the answer for question 4 I borrowed from Srq. On the other hand, he shouldn't have copied the whole of what I gave him for question 3 and left it as is. I lost a full 20 points there, and I could've scored another 2.9, which would've been barely enough to get my 40% up to something like a 1, which would lower expectations for the other 60% down to something like a 2, a 4 on average. Now I need a fucking 5, because my average for the 40% must be somewhere around 1, and that just fucking suuuuucks. I'm even too upset to bother mentioning LesMisGuy. He was lovely today, and lovely people just don't belong in my crappy mood right now.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

School for a schoolgirl

I had a dream where I was in school1 with my first social studies teacher (I hated her, still do). We had to do all of these presentations, and there was a group of guys that wanted to slack off and pretend to have had a fever so she'd award them 5's for a couple of days' non-work and work for a bare minimum. I was a little preachy about it. She left such long homework... For instance she wanted to change a partial exam for a project, only she wanted us to hand it in like in two days, and it looked awfully long. For university, I had to blow some balloons to deliver a message. The balloons were a white dewgong (Pokemon) tied to a green helium filled balloon and possibly something else. I later found some gloves and figured they'd be perfect, as the message to be conveyed by the balloons was something along the lines of "masturbation/elevation/erections will not kill baby seals" (not exactly a very reasonable thing to say, but there was going to be a conference with that title).

Also in a dream last night, there was a wedding between people from royalty. The girl had been engaged to some other guy (also noble) who was stuck being married to some other woman. It upset him to find she was getting married. There was a bit where they were I (as whatever entity that could see everything then and there, or as the guy who was sorry) followed them to the just married car. My uncle's driver(s) (in my dream he had three, though I just knew one, and that one was Sfer, for whatever reason) were waiting in cars to pick them up, and they got on with a driver I didn't know and was a little suspicious about.

In another dream I was in a class with Julie Andrews where she asked us to sing something. For some reason, I could only think of songs from Mary Poppins and The Sound of Music, but figured it would be embarrassing to sing those for her, as she could sing them so much better. She sang Stay Awake under another name.

In yet another dream there was a big boat sailing in a not entirely calm sea. There was a little girl, daughter of a very rich man, with her nanny. Her nanny had somehow gotten her motivated to learn, and she was learning maths through plates with small circles and sliced circles on them. The girl would have to somehow complete a puzzle with the slices, as they all showed bits of different images. She was really excited, which surprised the nanny.

In the last dream I remember my aunt MT was walking home and right in front of her building were all of these stands from stores that sold clothes. She sort of liked the clothes, and was wondering how many of her neighbours had already bought things. I asked her if there was anything she liked and intended to buy her something for Christmas.

Saturday, 6 November 2010

Unnecessary recap

Nothing's really happened, but I wanted to write a thing or two down yesterday and was plain to lazy to so I'm writing it down today. I stayed late to meet the topology guys, none of them were by the library entrance at 2:30, so I called Srq who mentioned he'd been home all day working on his thesis. Fine, was he coming? No. Did he cal the others? No. I was leaving then. I'd downloaded articles we could use for the discrete geometry project and I told him I'd send an e-mail comprising the ones he should download too. We agreed to talk at night, he'd be online or call, and tell me if we were meeting today or not. He called today around 9:30am and woke me up. I tried to shake off the drowsy voice but he must've noticed anyway because he hung up 3 seconds in and didn't call back. I'll be watching the lecture videos, reading, researching, writing and doing topology exercises on my own then, if I manage. I'm not exactly disappointed, very much like R1 to pull this sort of thing off, so I figure it's very much like Srq to do it, too. I am, however, a little pissed off because this is a little more important than going out on a Friday night, and R1's fuck-ups were never worse than that. That being said, I'm sort of regretting I didn't get LesMisGuy's phone number... I wouldn't have minded calling him and studying with him...

You know? I was in the silliest schoolgirl mood yesterday. I even checked thelovecalculator.com (how embarrassing to even remember the site's existence!) and found we're supposed to have a 99% chance of getting together. I laughed out loud. I must be the faulty 1%, not the number of L's, O's, V's and E's in our names combined... (That's how the algorithm actually works, just so you know).

I just remembered a bit of a dream involving LesMisGuy (the first yet). He was talking about some thing or other, trying to make a point, and I was thinking "pay attention!", as opposed to actually paying attention. So I said something incredibly stupid trying to pretend I understood his argument. I'd better keep this in mind, or I will actually make a fool of myself that way.

I'm hoping for some feedback from A. I left a message for her and she hasn't answered. I even had a dream last night where she answered, saying she didn't really intend to. Also in the dreams list but VERY disturbing, mind you? A dream about the obese girl from school1. She. Was. Having. Sex. On top. I have no idea where I got that from but it was very disturbing.

Friday, 5 November 2010

Tiny update

I suppose I could've expected LesMisGuy not to come to class (or show up to study later), but I sort of missed him today. Before, I didn't notice and I didn't care. Crap.

Thursday, 4 November 2010

Schoolgirl

I'm a schoolgirl, or I would be if I'd ever been that way in school. I take that back. If I'd been that way in school I wouldn't be acting like a schoolgirl now, I would've learned to deal with it and move past it. Right now, I'm stuck. This wanting to like LesMisGuy is actually happening. I get nervous around him, my heart races, I feel this rush of (endorphines? emotion?) run through me and, though I won't say I don't like it, I'm not comfortable with it. I don't know how to act when I'm feeling dumb, I don't know why he makes me uncomfortable when I'd already learned to be ok with guys and actually act cool around all (except the icky) other guys. Ok, I do know why he makes me uncomfortable, but I'm not sure he should. I mean, by now, it should be ok to like a guy and acknowledge it. I shouldn't need to hide my feelings because by now, it should be ok to feel them. That's regardless of whether he likes me back or not. And I think I do like him... I really think I'm falling for him, so there you have it folks: a full documentation of how I fall for LesMisGuy, whether he actually likes me or not. Also documented: my social handi-(not quite)capability.

Today, for instance: he wasn't around for the logic class and I spent a good deal of it thinking of him (see that right there? I'm stuck thinking about him now... hadn't happened since D), wishing he'd come. He was there for numerical analysis, and I wanted to talk to him, about anything (ok, I wanted to see if maaaybe we could study together), but I didn't. I got nervous, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Then CtW arrived and we were stuck together until she had to go to class after lunch. I'm not sure why, and I don't want my mind to wander, LesMisGuy went to the statistics class. Before the class, we sat outside. He was reading from the abstract algebra book and I talked to CtW, offered her (and then another guy who came by) cookies and sort of brushed off the idea of studying for the partial exam until later (even though LesMisGuy was right there, STUDYING!). I didn't invite him to join in the conversation, or even considered asking him anything, or saying anything. I didn't offer him cookies (and he was there before the other guy got there), he even sort of looked my way when I offered cookies to the other guy. *bangs head* And all the while I sat two feet away, wanting to move closer and rest my head on his shoulder.

Then in the exam, I talked to the guy from school1 before going in with him. I think I did ok in the exam... I probably didn't rock it, but it was pretty long and even though I wrote pretty much nonstop my arm got sore (I don't think I remember writing that much), and I ran out of ideas, and I was tired, and LesMisGuy got up and left and I sort of wanted to catch up with him. So I jotted down whatever I thought would do, didn't check for mistakes (nooo... I realised those along the way on the bus, along the way that took a full 30min longer because they can't be bothered to finish building the streets they ruin before ruining others). I got out as soon as I reasonably could to try and catch up with LesMisGuy... I want to try and talk to him tomorrow, if only to ask how he did (great, I'm sure, but still) in the exam. I've even been considering telling him to join me for coffee (if not lunch). It would be sort of like a date, which, in the adult world, should be totally cool and yet somehow isn't.

I want to tell him all these things. I want him to know I like him, regardless of whether or not he likes me back, at least to know I had the guts to and to reinforce the idea that it's ok to feel. It's really been so long I just can't remember any impulse than that of hiding when I saw D and felt the same way. I'm now tempted (and I actually go ahead and do so) to run away, when I shouldn't.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

This can't be good... I'm like a schoolgirl now!

Here I was, trying to work on the logic assignment (which probably won't let me get any sleep at all tonight at the pace I'm going), when suddenly an idea came over me. I could ask LesMisGuy (if I see him before lunch time tomorrow) if he'd like to study for tomorrow's abstract algebra partial exam with me. We could find a classroom to work in and stand by the board as we work, slowly getting closer, until he kisses me and ends up holding me by the waist. It's too much, really. I figure he might have a gf already and I'm just imagining things. I have no business imagining any of this. I have no time for this! I really can't spare any of the time I don't know how to use. And yet, here I am, wanting to make out with LesMisGuy because I suddenly got an idea of a lovely way to be near him. While we're on that subject, as we stood outside the building we had the topology class in, he stood next to me, 2-3 ft away, and I could smell him. Weird to be doing so, I know, but he smelled good, not just his cologne (though I'll grant points for great taste in cologne), him. And not at all like D, too, what a bonus... I also couldn't help but notice he's at just the right height and... I can't study. I don't know how to handle myself thinking about a guy, and I don't know how to manage around him, if there's a chance to get anything going or how to get things going if there is, after all, a chance. *sigh* I feel like a schoolgirl, and I sort of hate that I never really was one or I would've learned a thing or two by now.

I'm suddenly having a flashback to the bit of last night's dream I forgot. 2 was in it, and we talked... no fucking idea what about, though.

Italian?

I had a dream last night where I was in a maths class being taught by Sfer, only he wasn't around and left a replacement. Oddly, I dug up an italian teacher from school1, Lorenza something (in my dream, I think it might be her real name). She mentioned something about Sfer being out doing business, and how he and his dad owned banks or something like that. She was pretty pissed about having to be there. I only remember matrices. Fairly big ones, the ones that seem to be used for polytopes. I also remembered something else about the dream, or another dream, somewhere around noon as I was having lunch, but I tried to log in and the internet failed, so I suppose I'll just leave things at that.

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

None whatsoever, at all

Just for continuity, I regretted having rested this weekend. It hadn't happened since I was in school, but I remembered the statistics homework around midnight last night and the logic homework around 6:30 today, they were due in at 12 and 9 today. Whether because others had already asked or because of my feminine charm (as the guys suggested I use) I asked the logic professor to change the assignment due date for Thursday and he agreed. Initially, we were to hand in part of the homework. The problem with that being, I hadn't even written my name down on paper. He asked and I admitted I hadn't started writing down answers, but I said (and it's at least partly true) I'd been reading and thinking of the answers (if only during the bus ride, until I got really nauseous). The statistics homework... I didn't hand it in, but the professor didn't ask for it, after some students said they'd had trouble with part of the solution (which I didn't copy, and I'm quite sure I'll regret soon enough). So, my ass was spared if only for today.

LesMisGuy wasn't in the logic class today, or in the statistics class (and I skipped numerical analysis). The only other girl in logic class arrived late (a full hour late), brought no bookbag and was dressed all in black (very unusual in her, she's the sweetest thing). After thinking I hadn't seen LesMisGuy since Friday my mind started running and, very likely on account of the guy from school2 dying, I drew outrageous conclusions I won't bother writing down. I was relieved, after this paranoia, to see him arrive at the abstract algebra class this afternoon. I was sitting on the far right and he was in the middle, 2 sat between us so I couldn't properly look his way very often. I wanted to talk to him, ask if he'd been to the numerical analysis class, if he knew whether or not the professor had handed back our partial exams, if he'd like to study with me for abstract algebra or with the other guys for topology on Friday. I stalled for a bit before leaving the classroom, but the timing was all wrong when I decided to take out bus money before closing my bag and by the time I got out he was pretty far ahead. As I saw him walk away, maybe 10 steps ahead, I wanted to run and hug him. When I realised it was a bit too much to actually do, I then wanted to hold the strap of his bag and rest my head on his back, between his shoulder blades.

He still seems hurt, and I haven't exactly done much to hurt him. I mean, for all I know I could be making up the whole "he likes me" thing, because that's how faint the signals have been. But I do think they're there, and if they are, all I've done, really, is avoid his longing looks and his company, somewhat (along with the not so occasional fuck up, like the whole funeral thing). I do want to talk to him, I want to get over the awkwardness, overcome the uncomfortable so I can at least be as cool around him as I am around the other guys from university (at least the nice ones). Being the way I am, and with my recent habit of coming up with monologues I plan but don't really intend to share with the person who should hear them, I started a conversation with myself today during the bus ride (well, until some dipshit got on and wouldn't stop popping his fucking chewing gum).

I realised I'm more willing to share information with LesMisGuy, I actually want to tell him a lot of things about me, if only so he'll understand where I'm coming from when I act the way I do around him. I mean, 90% of the time I actually want to be with him, the other 10% I realise it's not a sensible thing to do. I pictured talking to him after the last final exam I'd take with him, asking him to join me for coffee if he'd wait for me when he was done with his exam. I'd ask him a couple of questions in exchange for all the questions he'd like to ask and start with whether or not he actually likes me, how much, and whether or not he's hurt that I don't like him. I don't really like him the way he deserves to be liked, if I'm honest. The thing is, I think I want to like him so badly, I sort of do, and I'm so fucked up I can't get myself to really like him. He's perfect for me, he really is wonderful. It just wouldn't work because I don't work. If he asked, I'd have to admit I don't know how to have a boyfriend. I ended up expanding this a bit, because I realised there's a lot more to it: I don't know how to keep relationships of any kind.

I don't know how to keep friends, I don't know how to get close to people or let them near me, I don't know how to like someone and allow myself to be liked. Most of the people I know I consider mere acquaintances, a few I call friends on account of my willingness to tell them more about my life than I do others and the fact that we've known one another for years, true friends I think I only had one. I don't really consider A to have been a true friend (ever), just a good friend, at most, and one I'm already very comfortable with. I never grew too fond of her, and I don't really talk or spend as much time with her. Never have, to be honest. I've already discussed this before, so I'm not bringing it up again here. The only true friend was EBF, and when I found myself too close to tears in the bus I gave the thought up.

Things went downhill, and can't go uphill right now, because of what they say in Keinohrhasse: you can't get into a relationship (of any kind, really, one might add) hoping that the other person will make you happy. You can't let your happiness or sense of fulfillment depend on your relationships to others. If you're not happy to begin with, depending on someone else to grant happiness is a recipe for disaster. No healthy relationship can be held that way. In my defense, I have to say I didn't so much depend on EBF to be happy as I had made a habit of talking to him and relying on him. Proof of this is in the fact that arguing (disagreeing and discussing our disagreement on any subject at hand) was one of the ways we communicated, and I usually liked these conversations. The one thing I really did wrong was think things weren't going to change, ignoring the fact that I knew about his growth spurts and how every so often he overcomes himself and starts working on a new operating system, if you will. I was eventually left out because he outgrew me, I became obsolete. I push him away now, though last time wasn't entirely deliberate, because I ... well, I don't know. It just doesn't feel right, and if I'm already miserable there's no point in him helping make me feel worse.

I just can't handle relationships of any kind, see? None whatsoever, at all. I'm a social cripple. Today, though I'm not sorry for it, I walked past the guy who asked for my help with integral calculus. He stared a bit, possibly to say 'hi' but I just walked on by. I don't care if I was rude, he had it coming (ok, maybe he didn't). I don't have to be nice to people who can't respect my time. That much I'm quite sure about. EBF I'm always sorry about, LesMisGuy I'm not over yet either.