## Thursday, 28 October 2010

### Mixed feelings - Part II

Courtesy of Avast! being a crap antivirus, my computer crashed and I had to restart it before I got to run the antivirus so it could find 21 files it let slip (some into the system files, of all places, one of which I couldn't get rid of...). I meant to write a few things. First on to last night's dream. I had a dream where there was a giant peacock-dragonfly (about the size of a big parrot, bright blue with patterns like those of peacock's tail in its wings). It was prophetic and it spoke/sang. Only two people understood it and could mistranslate. One of the people was my cousin's grandmother. The other I can't remember but I'm sure it was another woman. Somehow, this was important. Hotchner (from CM) was there. Someone stroked the dragonfly with very long fingers. I feared he could harm it (pretty sure it was a he). In another piece of a dream I was in university and some literature/philosophy professor gave lectures about mammograms and how important they were. She mentioned two types, one which took a lot longer and was actually dangerous and a shorter one (16min, I recall). Not sure why, but in my dream they didn't just sandwich breasts, they very much crushed you (hence the danger) to perform the exam. Weird. The professor mentioned she wanted to do a class about civic behaviour in the city.

On to today's rant about my mixed feelings... Now, I know I was hormone crazy for D, but when I can ignore that (and that's most of the time, because I know my odds in that department are below none) I'm sort of (you'll see why in a bit) wanting to be with LesMisGuy. It's only sort of because there's a part of me that still freaks out. Example, I planned to ask him if there was any homework due today for statistics, I'd heard there was (not that I handed it in, or bothered going to class for that matter...). I didn't, but I bought some coffee (I was cold) before the next class (numerical analysis) and in the way decided to stop by a parking lot where it was sunny. He was just below, next to the stairs. He paced about for a bit, and almost walked up to talk to me (I think), and when he didn't notice you know what I was doing? HIDING! I don't know why, I'm quite sure I sort of wanted to talk to him and half hoped he'd come up after all. But I was hiding, because there's a part of me I can't quite control.

I'm not sure whether this part has anything to do with the part that urged me to walk away from D. I'm just not sure... I'm too old for this, I told myself several times today. And I realise I'm not, I'm just too old to be only just learning this whole flirting and being interested thing. It's the sort of thing little kids get the hang of right away. It's just so unnatural to me... I'm uncomfortable around him and awkward-er than usual, which I'm just plain not used to. I don't even know if it's just the awkwardness of him liking me and me freaking out, or if it's the part of me that likes him that's behaving like the schoolgirl I never was. This is just so goddarned confusing! I wish I could apologise to him for sending all the mixed signals, because I realise I must be (I end up gazing at him and glancing his way a bit more often lately, and he has that ever so sweet glance and almost goofy smile every time... that's when I'm not avoiding him and hiding). I need someone to talk to... And you see, I'd love to be close enough to him that we could talk as friends (only it's so awkward, we can't even have regular not-even-friends conversations like those with Srq). As a friend, I could explain myself and apologise. As it stands, I sort of need to push myself not to screw up too badly in the future and hope he's insistent (or gives up completely).

You see? I haven't made up my mind about him yet! It's just that I'm so afraid I'll end up hurting him. I don't know how to be a girlfriend. I don't know how to share my time. I can't hold repeated, long conversations over the phone. I don't even talk to anyone long enough that I can say I'm used to conversations. I'm too honest. I don't know when to shut up. I don't even know if he likes me-likes me or if he just likes the idea of me. I'm half sure he's smart enough that I can trust it's the first case, but you never really know and I never know myself so how could someone else? And that's not to mention the part where I may be transferring, or just plain be falling in love with love and the idea that he's perfect in every theory I can think of. Maybe I'm settling. I don't know... Because when I'm not thinking this I'm finding him so incredibly sweet, imagining him so loving, wanting to hold his hands and rest my head on his shoulder.

Arrrgghhh!!! SNARGLE WARGLE RAWHRGLE!!!!! I'm really losing it... I'm not even sure it would be a good idea to try and hint at the blog, let him read for himself all the things I'm not sure I can tell him. But then again, I'd end up giving away way more information than he'd want to know about, not to mention the fact that he's way too honourable to be the kind that goes snooping around to find out stuff about me. Aw man... I need advice! I.... need to talk to EBF, or would need to, anyway. I'm stuck answering the "what do you want?" question and all I can answer right now is what I don't want. I don't want to be alone. But do I really want to be with someone? Do I want to be with LesMisGuy? I'd like that, but do I want it? How could I possibly know if I don't give myself a chance to know him? Why can't I just let him in like I let Srq in? Why is it so hard? I mean, I can do it, right? He's so nice! He really doesn't deserve this kind of treatment and I just wish there were some way to telepathically let him know he should come near, even if I run away for a while. He should catch up and hold me until I listen and talk. I need the extra courage.

That's when I'm not insane enough to think I might be thinking a couple too many thoughts out loud. I wonder in a paranoid frenzy if I don't because sometimes people seem to be able to hear my thoughts and I'm starting to develop a way to think through images so they can't hear it and I can't vocalise what I mean. I get lost in daydreams. There's no good evidence to prove I'm not making the whole LesMisGuy thing up. I just might be... I doubt my sanity that much these days. I can only guess LesMisGuy doesn't have a girlfriend and he's interested because of all the ever-so-subtle hints. I even tried some facebook stalking (only just now)... That's just so low... I need real human contact and interactions (preferably with LesMisGuy, to clear the air if possible). I need so much rest...

## Wednesday, 27 October 2010

### *Marge Simpson grunt*

Here's the thing: I talk myself into liking LesMisGuy, because why the hell not if everything about him screams "good idea"? A similar thing happened yesterday night on the bus, but this time I just couldn't ignore it. Last time, some guy who smelled a lot like D sat in front of me in the bus. Enough to get something of a hormone high, but not so much that I just had to stop thinking. Today, some other guy sat in front of me. The thing is, it's been raining (nonstop, mind you, or the cloud's been following me) since 2-3pm. I got on a bus at 4:15. Of course it was warm, moist and disgusting. However, the guy ahead of me had just the right smell with just the right mix of just the right brand of cigarette and it just inspired all kinds of hormone craziness in me.

All I knew for the hour or so he sat ahead of me is I wanted to be with D, close enough to just let myself be intoxicated by that smell, lead that where it may. I wanted to hug him, kiss him passionately, nest my head between his neck and his shoulder and breathe in. Still do, actually. Never mind if he's really a sociopath, never mind what hurt could come my way if I let myself near him. I want that intoxication. I miss it. I want to go all kinds of crazy I can on it. I couldn't get the "Maison des Lunes" song out of my head as I thought all this, especially Gaston's "Oh, oh, OHHH!!!"...

at least I think it was Gaston, I don't suppose it was that likely to be the guy who was supposed to lock away Belle's father...except the video hints at exactly that... never mind... anyway...

Bottom line is, D is hard wired into my brain and instincts. And there's something about starting to like someone else that gets D in the way again. It's probably a bit odd to find two people who smell so much like him sit directly in front of me two days in a row, so that's contributing to the crazy factor. I somehow wish it were an indicator of the real thing coming my way for an intoxication where I get to act out the crazy. I'm also somehow wishing that if this is how I feel about him, there's a tiny bit of D thinking of me in similar terms or at least remembering some instinctive hormone rush stuck to the memory of me. I... well, for one I know that's stupid, because guys don't usually notice smells half as much as girls do. But I also know it's not all that unlikely for him to meet someone else who smells about the same (or doesn't but not care) who's cute and willing enough. I just wantz to get my crazzzy on with him!!! Tell my body that!!!

### Kitschy

I had a dream last night where I was surprisingly like a silly Christine Daaé and there was some man who was a lot like Eric to me. He got several people singing, he passed a pen along and if you had the pen you had to sing. He criticised my singing and told me to sing better. He was training me, sort of. At any rate he was very controlling. A was suspicious about this guy and I protected him. It was all rather weird.

## Tuesday, 26 October 2010

### Mixed up

I have mixed feelings now... Goddarnit! Maybe Nick was right when he said nobody wants to be single. Now I'm coming up with scenarios where I lure LesMisGuy in so we're close enough that I can say "I'm not saying I don't want to, I'm saying I don't want to hurt you and there's a good chance I will whether I mean to or not". Not exactly all of a sudden, now I want the attention, I'm something of a Josephine, I'd like the sense of security brought by being in a relationship. I want the company, the physical contact, having someone to fall back on, the hugs, the kisses, the tender eye gazing. Like I said... Goddarnit! I don't want to send mixed signals... I think I've been glancing his way a couple of times and I did notice he glanced at me to check if I was raising my hand during abstract algebra. Quite childish, reminded me of R1 wanting to do things I did, like things I liked... LesMisGuy seemed to be on the same page as me. Gaaaahhhh!!!!! I don't know what to make of anything anymore...

To make matters worse I also found myself thinking of what would happen if I'm stuck not being able to get my degree before I go to Tmp (my uncle seems not to have the idea very clear, he understands I could take subjects there to get my degree here but tells me I'd better have the degree before I leave..). I'd be here when EBF arrives, and how uncomfortable would a welcome party be if I were invited? All I can think is how I'd make sure to leave him an awesome cake with the doorman saying that if anyone asks who it's from, it's from Manú. Aren't those mixed feelings too? Different ones, sure, but I sort of want and don't want to be a part of his life and have him be in mine, you know? Mostly I think I just miss him a lot.

A small rant, the guy I taught on Monday called saying he wants some more help. I said I'd be busy, that he should try and come by Pentagono. If he doesn't get the message it's his problem. He'll fuck up in the exam anyway if he doesn't get help, and he already knows there's Pentagono where people are paid whether he pays directly or not. I can't afford to lose any more of my time. Sorry.

I tried talking to LesMisGuy for a bit today. As we got out of logic I waited outside the next classroom and I chatted with another of the guys from topology (sweethearts, all of them, this one's the one who got the old exams to study with). Others came by, eventually including LesMisGuy. At first he just stood there with his cup of coffee, but then I asked (if only a menial question) if he'd thought about the topology questions our professor left us to think on for tomorrow. We didn't really talk an awful lot, but I'll take what little I can. When I wasn't busy falling asleep during class, I couldn't shake the thought out of me that he wanted to ask me out for lunch or at least approach me as we left the statistics class. (I sort of think he might've stayed behind just for this, he said he intended to skip the class earlier and sort of looked my way as we got out. I might have avoided him as we got out. Freaking reflexes... I'll take what I can get, I do wish I could have a very honest talk with him, you know? You know what's weird? Today around 11/12:35 I suddenly had a craving for white wine. For no good reason, I wasn't even thinking of food. I might be going mad, after all. Those may just be tiny side effects.

Today's soundtrack is brought to you by Mr. Joel Gray singing "Wonderful" with the lovely Idina Menzel.

(Even so, I still have Le Jazz Hot fever)

### Even in dreams, then

I had a dream last night where EBF called me on the phone to tell me he was being detained at an airport in Serbia (in my dream that was a country in Africa, I'm quite sure it's actually in eastern Europe) because they'd found him carrying pot. Next thing I know, we're in the apartment I used to live in way up by the sea, and we're talking in person. He must've gotten away when no one was looking, because I could hear from the news (on television) that the country he was detained in was at war now. Odd thing is, even in my dream the conversation was awkward. I lectured him for a bit telling him it had been incredibly stupid to get caught with pot, but that was about it. He looked slightly apologetic.

(Leave it to my computer to go and turn off without a warning that it's running low on batteries.... let's just be calm and carry on, shall we?)

Now, I meant to say even in dreams conversations are awkward now. Even in dreams I want to talk to him and I wish there was something he needed to tell me. So much for dreams, eh? I want him to talk to me because I'm refusing to talk to him. Not so much out of spite and being arrogant (though I am) but because I'm quite afraid that I can't have a non-awkward conversation with him, and that now holds true for dreams too.

## Monday, 25 October 2010

### I probably could've gone with rude this time

The guy who studies economy (the only economist I don't mind helping in Pentagono) asked me to help him study for an integral calculus partial exam. He's ok, so I said I would. He called yesterday night and we arranged to meet today at 4 when I got out of class. I stayed with him until 6:30. I'll mention the fact that he brought a bag of skittles for me, which was very sweet because he remembered I like candy. But I think it was rude of him (especially being an economist and all) not to pay. I'll agree, there was no contract specifying how much he should pay and I'll have to count it off as a favour in exchange for the candy, but I'll go with "sorry, I don't have time" if he asks to meet again. He didn't even offer! Now, I don't get paid much and I don't charge for a lot, but those were two and a half hours of my time. The going rate for that, even if you take off about a half hour we spent talking about things not really related to the problems he wanted to solve, should be around $20,000. The candy he bought couldn't have cost more than$3,000. I don't even know his name, and he calls me by mine but that doesn't really make us friends. He's cool, but that was out of line. I think I find it even more irritating because he wears an Antanas wristband. A word of advice to myself, make sure there's a contract first, and for the love of everything I hold dear, let's not turn into my father.

That rant being over with, there's something I'd like to write that's quite unrelated. I was early today to talk to my logic professor. When that was over with I checked the internet a bit and then lay down to take some of the nice sunlight while there was any today. So far so good, right? So why on earth, as I got to the classroom I had to be in and ran into Srq on the way, was I so aggressive? I was coming up a flight of stairs, he was walking by them, it took him a while to say "Oh, hi!" and I somehow in some deep unconscious level understood he didn't really want to talk to me. He briefly started a conversation about whether or not our professor would have the exams ready, and I sort of left him alone and even went out of my way to sit at the front (I usually sit near the back in that classroom). It left me a little worried. I mean, I don't mind all that much because it's not like we're good friends or anything. But I really didn't have something to lash out at, so it's truly very weird. Both in its aggressive and impulsive nature.

Other than that, the only "(un)eventful" events of the day were the times where LesMisGuy tried to avoid me. I'm (only ever so hesitantly) trying to glance his way during class, trying to make eye contact. I'd like to start a conversation, if only for the sake of conversation. He's avoiding me deliberately. I know he went out of his way to talk to me, because I realise the state of things as they are now isn't too far from what they used to be (unless it was him who sent that facebook request long ago). We didn't really talk. We don't really talk. However, for a while there, he tried to talk and I don't mean this because I liked the attention (I really don't like attention) I actually think he's a nice guy and I'd like to talk to him more (which would be, well, you know... at all).

## Sunday, 24 October 2010

### Film reviews

I just finished watching Chicago, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Victor Victoria. All quite good, mostly because of the musical fever I have going on, but that would leave the Rocky Horror Show out, as the songs aren't all that good. What really saved that one is the stunning performance by Jim Curry. He was something like Freddy Mercury. I found the story is a bit too ridiculous and the whole part where they turn out to be aliens coming from ridiculously named galaxies out in space is a little too much even for a B and horror film parody. However, I did find it quite fascinating to see the part where Dr. Frank is a bisexual transvestite and managed to seduce a couple of newly engaged young adults. The play on morality is astounding, not to mention the film goes back to 1973. I even briefly consider I'd love to dress up as a drag queen (preferably with the corset worn by Jim Curry and the bright red eye shadows) for Halloween sometime. It could be a lot of fun. I hate Susan Sarandon, though, so that was a bit of a letdown there... As for the other two, very nice musicals, but Victor Victoria had the added bonus that Julie Andrews was in it and it was really very funny, it was a nice touch. Makes it an all-time favourite in my eyes.

## Saturday, 23 October 2010

### Not my fault

The internet isn't working properly, so all I remember now from last night's dream is AOB. I was at his house (only it was a 2-3 floors high, not his real house). He had given me keys. His parents were out of town, but his little brother was around. I called him to ask for medical advice regarding my little one and to ask what to do with the keys, or where to find them, or whatever. He had already instructed what to do with the keys and he got a little mad at my call (I'll reckon only now it was weird to hear him being mad). For some reason, before I left the house I could somehow hear/read a blog entry or something he'd written elsewhere. This warrants a censorship warning. He wrote about being in a warm bathtub, masturbating and coming all over the water without realising he'd come out all dirty from it. What strikes me as a little disturbing is, I get the idea (though I can't explicitly remember where from, just how uncomfortable I was) he was thinking of me then. Troublesome, much?

## Thursday, 21 October 2010

### Kind of late for a real apology

This will have to work as a script to improvise on if it ever comes down to it. I've already mentioned how I ended up ignoring LesMisGuy on Tuesday. I should also bring up the fact that I've avoided him, but only very little, I sort of want to talk to him, actually. Mostly, though, I think he's hurt (*how could he not be you bitch!?*) and he's the one avoiding me. Makes sense, I understand.

I even sent a question over to guyspeak.com, which Nick Nadel kindly answered not long afterwards (though he put it slightly out of context) but it's already too late to take that approach. See, Nick's answer would've required waiting for LesMisGuy to come out and say something so I could say I'm flattered but I'm not interested. That's the bit where he took it out of context, Nick assumed we're friends (not really, barely acquaintances) and that he'd already made a move (though I mentioned in the question he hadn't). I have to say I don't think that would've been a good idea. Letting him expose himself like that just so I could kindly turn him down seems a bit cruel.

The thing is, he's hurt and I'm hating it. I can even tell when he glances out of habit and then tries to correct his behaviour, or when he's thinking of stopping by to say something and then just walks on. He's transparent like that, I think, or I'm that much of a schizophrenic. I even daresay he might be jealous of Srq because he knows I wait for Srq after class to discuss polytopes. I don't know if he has any idea how much I talk to Srq, but I can only guess that if he knew that and how much I enjoy most of the conversations, he'd be even more hurt. I actually fear that he's the kind of guy who doesn't go by fleeting crushes, or infatuations. I fear he's far more hurt than I'd like to admit. Truth is I want to hug him and tell him he's wonderful, that I'm just too fucked up. I want to like him, to be honest, I want to be truly interested and yet something goes off in me which won't let me.

I started muttering a letter to LesMisGuy under my breath, and I figured I might as well type it here, if only because I can't really talk to anyone about this.

(Dear) LesMisGuy,

I think you have a crush on me. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry I've been ignoring you. If I'm wrong, I really can't expect you to forgive me or understand me, but as I'm already writing this I'd really appreciate it if you tried. If I'm right, then read on, there's plenty I'd like to tell you.

I started deliberately ignoring you when it ocurred to me that you have a crush on me. It's what I do, and I'm inmensly sorry because I realise you're lovely and don't deserve it. Truth is, I've been uncomfortable with guys liking me for as long as I can remember (and the first time I can remember goes back to when I was 6-7). The first two I hated, even though I couldn't quite put my finger on the reason why. I was annoyed by their very existence, and the fact that they insisted in being near me only made matters worse. Only years too late have I come to realise I hated them for liking me and tried to shut them away as best I could. I can tell now that those two were also very nice people and didn't deserve the treatment they got. I'm afraid I can't explain my behaviour, I can only track it down to have started a long time ago.

With the second guy I pushed away, he's such a great guy I'm even now sorry (and that was 7 years ago). I felt so sorry it got me thinking about everything that went wrong there and shouldn't have. I eventually had the good sense to see him as the great guy he is. I could tell you're wonderful before thinking you liked me, and even had the good sense to be flattered when I first noticed hints that gave you away. I have to admit I've never been flattered by anyone liking me, so please believe me when I say it actually means a lot. Usually I go straight into panicking and I'm afraid being flattered didn't stop that from happening in this case.

I should probably warn you, I'm a little too honest. Brutally so, rude and insensitive at times, even. All because I mostly speak before I think what I actually mean to say. I don't really filter my opinions and I don't always realise it can be offensive to people who hold very different positions. I'm warning you I'm too honest because I'm probably about to give much more information than you'd like to know.

I think you're too nice to handle me. Not that I don't think you could, I just don't think it would be fair to have you try to fix me. You shouldn't have to put up with my nonsense and to be too honest, I often think no one should which is why I like isolation. I think I could end up using you, and I'd hate myself for it. I can think of only too many reasons why I should like you, only I can't see myself liking you... ever.

You're smart, and I love that about you (as well as the fact that you're sweet, polite, and an interesting person altogether). I'm both glad and sorry you picked up on the non-verbal language indicating my lack of interest because I'm glad I didn't have to say any of this out loud and have you expose yourself only to get hurt, yet I still want to have a chance to come out and say how none of it is your fault. I'm really just not interested in anyone. You're just a particular case. So particular I'm actually sorry I can't bend my own rules to give you a chance.

I'd hate to give you any false hope, so please ignore this until you're sure you've moved on. I'd love to be friends with you and have heart-felt conversations, talk about books, films and music. I'd love to joke, hang out, and find other ways to spend time around you. Again, I'm so sorry if I hurt your feelings. Please don't translate this as the cliché that tries to lift the blame off your shoulders. I'm telling you, there's too much wrong with me and too many things great in you.

I think I may have even triggered some insecurities there, you know? I hadn't brought this up until now because I really don't make much of it, and I've only just now realised it could be contributing to his feelings of hurt. He's got vitiligo and it shows on his hands and elbows. Sometimes he has tiny scars on his hands, I've noticed. Again, this is really not a problem with me. As a matter of fact, and to make matters worse, sometimes I'd like to hold his hands and kiss them. Sometimes I find myself stuck in the rational fantasy showing why exactly it would be great to be with LesMisGuy. Sometimes I actually want him to put his arms around me and sweetly kiss my neck. Sometimes I want to rest my head on his shoulder and wrap my arms around his waist as he wraps his arms around my back. I'll even admit, and add for the record, that he has the strong arms and broad back I seem to find so appealingly protective in men. I even have to admit he smells nice.

You see? This is what's troubling me now... I'm selfish, and not exactly ashamed of it (not on this blog, anyway), so let's cut down to the chase: I'm really quite incapable of getting anything going even when there's already so much in my favour. I really don't think I'm so superficial as to be ruling LesMigGuy out based on the fact that he has a rather large head or gaps between his teeth. We're talking about the guy who's already the right kind of smart, tall, has a broad back and strong arms, has a full beard (even if he shaves it, the instinct in me appreciates the extra testosterone), nice lips, good manners, a sweet dorky smile... Baby girl, this is about as good as it gets. And for whatever reason, though I could always pull the "he doesn't really know me" card so it's not true, he likes me.

I know I tell myself I may be leaving next year and that would be terrible, as I'm sure this is the sort of thing that would evolve into a long term relationship. I know I've argued he shouldn't be stuck having to live with my crazy. I know I've told myself I'd compare him to D and miss the kinky... You know what, though? The romantic in me wants to believe any time we got before I leave would be wonderful. A part of me wants him to hold me and make me feel I'm not so fucked up. I just know he'd be the sweetest thing and I'd love a truly considerate and caring partner. I know he's everything I could wish for in a boyfriend. Why can't I like him? Why can't I go for all the good things and somehow override what's holding me back?

I've actually considered Schrödinger's cat scenarios where I ask him to kiss me just to see how that goes and I even ask him to hug me in case I try to pull apart, or kiss my cheek and peck his way to my lips if I turn my face. That's how much conflict I'm dealing with. I actually want to engange in what would stop short of rape only because I'd be asking for it and we'd only be kissing.

Fucked up much, eh?

## Wednesday, 20 October 2010

### Recap

I woke up a couple of times before really waking up (I set up an alarm) today. Once, I woke up with the word "brahmavat" or "pramavat" stuck. In some dream I was supposed to be in topology class along with the others, only we all got out for a brief break to the house of a man who had steel gates outside with lots of flower pots. He asked LesMisGuy to point at some part of the gates and he accidentally knocked over one of the flower pots. The old man was furious. I helped replant the flower and put some more soil in the pot. When I got back to class there was only Srq and me, and the professor asked him to start the proof we were supposed to proepare and me to help, but I hadn't prepared any of it. I'd better study for it in real life. Another time I woke up thinking they translated "gay" as "ananá" or "pineapple" in television. Also in that dream there was a guy who trained dogs and I remember him trying to teach them something. So much for dreams and on to the recap...

My computer had some virus last night which made Avast! freak out and make me restart the computer so it could attack the virus before it started running, as it was in one of the system folders. Apparently, it was safely stored in the virus vault and now we're good. I'm still a little worried as for why Avast! keeps finding viruses after they've entered my system and started running, and why it finds so many. Anyway....

Remember LesMisGuy? I think he does have a crush on me and it's freaking me out. I hadn't seen him in class in quite a while, but he went to the abstract algebra class yesterday. When I arrived, Sir Oglealot was sitting around the place where I sat and if I sat next to 2 I'd be blocking the view of others, so I sat near the back in the middle, not too far from the guy from school1. When he arrived, LesMisGuy almost sat in the chair immediately next to mine, but then changed his mind and sat one chair apart. Sometimes minds are quite transparent... just like our professor when he's writing on the board, or speaking when he thinks we won't understand or really listen. On to the class then...

During class, LesMisGuy glanced my way a little too often for comfort, which, by default, made me want to ignore him and stare into space or the board (for some odd reason I avoided looking at the professor when LesMisGuy glanced my way). Also, he looked at what I was looking, so for instance when I glanced out the window to assess the state of the rain outside, he glanced out the window too. Now, either my paranoia has found a friend in a newfound schizophrenia, or he seriously likes me. When the class was over, though, it seemed he wanted to talk, but he left. I actually wanted to let him know about the stuff we're supposed to prepare for topology class.

After a brief note, lest I forget it, and I did find it very amusing, BtFB remarked it's quite fun to look back at audiences and no one really notices this. I wonder if he was aware of the tiny little bit of a soap opera there... Maybe not...

Oh, and if I could just point out... the umbrella my dad gave me, an automatic one, wasn't working properly (ok, I'll admit it, I had no idea how it worked exactly and got it to shrink under the rain without being able to get it to work well for a full 5 min or so). As I was by the door trying to get it to work, I let people out and told them my umbrella wasn't really working. After a couple of people, Sir Oglealot came by and I told him he could just walk ahead. He didn't he just wanted to hang by the door. I decided to go into the classroom, then, and fix the umbrella there. To do that (I had to push the umbrella back into "closed" position and then open it again with the button) I left my Runts candy and my bag on the floor. When my umbrella was ready, I couldn't really get it out of the door. I left it on the floor outside (where 2 kindly gave it to me before it started collecting water, as it was upside down) and Sir Oglealot gave me my bag and candy. I was going to fetch it. There was no need for him to touch them. I was quite unreasonably offended, but still I just said thanks and carried on. So what if he's taking a more conventional approach now? I never liked him, never will, and will always be offended by his ogling.

That said, I did have time during class to realise this was just like the R1 thing all over again: wonderful guy likes me, and I can rationally see why it's actually supposed to be a good thing but still freak out and shut him away. Just like with R1, I'd really like to talk to him, you know? Explain that he's wonderful and I'm just too fucked up to react properly. Hey, he's smart... He knew not to bother talking to me, or enough not to sit right next to me (especially when there were so many leftover chairs). He gets the message. I just wish I could explain the message and not just be a bitch because he doesn't deserve it. I want to tell him it's really not about him, but about me. I'm not interested in anyone, and that holds true for him too, and I'm kinda sorry for it. I've only really been interested in two guys, ever. Things only pretended to work out with one of those and it turns out he might be a sociopath. It's just not out in the open so I can't exactly address the subject, not with him or anyone else because I have no real friends in university and I don't even know anyone who knows him that well.

I wonder if my fucked-up-ness has anything to do with that thing my mum said about me being afraid of men when I was a little girl. It would hint at abuse, right? Somehow I've forgotten all about it, and all I have left is the automatic freak out from benig liked by men. I only didn't freak out with D and we alredy know how that turned out. He doesn't really count. I would like to explain this to LesMisGuy. Only that last part would probably cross the line where I'm too blunt to not be rude...

Ok... all that being written (not so much said, which is what I'd like), I think I'll make a last remark saying I wish I could talk to EBF about all of this and ask for advice, but I won't and I'll just get back to working on the discrete geometry assignment.

## Monday, 18 October 2010

### Super Mario

I had a dream where I was in Peach's castle form Super Mario for N64. Can't remember much, other than getting lost trying to go back into a painting I'd lost a life in.

## Sunday, 17 October 2010

Can't focus on the discrete geometry assignment and I agreed with Srq I'd have as much as I could ready by tomorrow. And that's not to mention I should have the logic assignment ready sometime before Tuesday. I just don't know how I'm ever to get both done. I really can't focus on anything. My greatest accomplishment today? Nearly perfect nails. Nearly perfect because I was out taking my little one for a walk and it was cold outside, I came back into the house and now there are tiny bubbles forming. Not too visible, I think.

Anyway... I'd been thinking today and most of yesterday about ways a guy would win me over. For no particular reason, either. I just thought of stuff I'd really like and figured I couldn't say no to someone who went to the trouble of making that meaningful. For one, there's going to a good concert (say, Yo-Yo Ma would've been amazing). Also, Cirque du Soleil. But let's not forget my Broadway fever: ny good musical (anything Cabaret-esque would be great, but I'd die for The Beauty and the Beast) would be great too. I'd probably refuse going to the opera, or to see Cats or Jesus Christ Superstar. However, a ballet (ooh, the Nutcracker!) would be very nice.

There's also great food (as long as there's little or no seafood, sushi being about the only exception to that rule), no matter much who cooks it (though a cook would make a nice bonus). If I grew particularly fond of a contemporary writer, going to a book reading would also be wonderful. Especially at a cafe sort of library. Ooh and nice open air concerts... especially folk european music. Imagine a Spanish guitar concerto at night with exactly right surroundings... Ok, bad example, I was at such an event years ago in Ctg at the Spanish embassy thing and it's going to be hard to beat, but still... Tiny old fashioned bars where they play big band music, swing, old jazz or have Judy Garland-like divas would also be very cliché in a way I could overlook for it's awesomeness.

Oh, oh I know! I'd love to be introduced to films I've never seen before and be told why they're great. Hopefully they'll be nothing like Trainspottting, that was just shitty. I'd love to be introduced to old films like The Count of Montecristo, Gone with the Wind, or Casanova. Not to leave odd independent films (like Waking Life) out of the picture. Being introduced to art, from someone who can interpret art properly, and as long as it's not the kind of art you make up as you talk about it, would also be really interesting. I'd love those conversations. Those are also great to know. After this, I guess it's just obvious I'd love a great book I had no idea existed or had never bothered to read. Extra points for guessing my taste.

Of course, I could never overlook the right kind of candy, which goes to mean anything Wonka (except, perhaps the liquorice sticks), especially Gobbstoppers (both kinds), Pixie styx, and Runts. Oh, and really good chocolate, or chocolate bombons. Not the crappy stuff they sell in boxes at supermarkets. Realy bombons, fresh ones.

It should probably go in here somewhere to note that if I ever catch any guy going exactly for these ways to win me over, à la Tootsie, I'm probably going to freak out and shut them away, because stalking me to find this out would be a little on the scary side. Figuring these out just by knowing me is what would make these amazing. Kinda sad, though, I don't suppose anyone knows me that well and it's even harder to get any of the few who sort of know me to do that for me (whether they're trying to hit on me or not... most would be very thoughtful gifts).

As a tiny postscript here, I'm still feeling really guilty about LesMisGuy. I think I'm a little bit too honest for comfort sometimes, and that's without factoring in the fact that I don't really think before I speak out loud. If there's anyting that makes me socially awkward, it's gotta be that. I don't think I'm downright evil, or particularly inconsiderate, just too careless in what I say. I'd agree with the inconsiderate part if I didn't worry so much after saying/doing stupid things. I really should put more thought into what I do and say, but I can't seem to learn how.

### Cinderella

Can't remember much from last night's dream anymore, I'm kinda worried because I woke hearing my mum talk to my aunt MT about how I ended up paying part of a bill some woman came to collect last night. If you ask me, it's incredibly tasteless to be so late paying people and even more so to make them come when she knows she won't be around so I'm stuck not knowing what to do, calling her without her picking up the damn phone. It's just wrong. Not to mention how much she owes how many people, which I figure adds up to quite a lot because she keeps on buying stuff even though she can't afford it, as she's already behind payments on stuff she hasn't managed to sell. Anyway, I'm not getting out of my room just yet, I don't want to find out I shouldn't have paid any of it (I paid more than half, which should buy my aunt some more time to get the rest of the money together).

Anyway, on to last night's dreams: in one dream I was with Heath Ledger playing, not Casanova, but Bossa nova (dream fuck up, anyone?). I even called him by name a couple of times. I remember the woman from Lie to me (the FOX show) was there offering wine. Not sure what else happened there, but Casanova ended up running away on a cart that was full of dishes, presumaby to steal the dishes, and in this house's kitchen. He got other people's servants to bring him here. Once here there was possibly another dream involving Cinderella. I was Cinderella and there were only two other sisters. The evil stepmother was intent on leaving for some party or other and all she really cared about was that she have only two girls by her side, ideally her two daughters. We ran around the trees at night, here in the neighbourhood, and I decided I could get the two sisters to fight until one of them died and then take her place. They fought with thin swords, the kind you fence with, and went around a tree. I ducked and tried hard to keep out of sight. One of the sisters hurt the other, and to make sure she was dead I took a sword and stabbed her from behind, only it was no longer one of the sisters but a fat man.

In another dream, I was with my sister and my parents in a house/state in the jungle. My little one ran away so I ran after her, and I kept trying to run away from my parents with my sister. I even remember short flashes of a life (sometimes not mine, but some blonde white trashy girl) who was a waitress at a fancy place owned by asian people. At first she didn't pass a time test, but she tried until she got the job, only to lose it not long afterwards (about a year or so). I remember swamps, rubbish in mud and trying to walk only on the grass available. I also remember having had to go back to my parents, though a little afraid of consequences. They basically gloated over the fact that I really had no other options.

In yet another dream, politicians were in the jungle, Noemi was a senator and I advised Antanas on how Noemi would try to guide any discussion blaming problems on others. She'd be talking about how very few people in the country had access to (water?) and they had to bring it to everyone, somehow blaming the lack of it on the local mayors and politicians. Antanas would have to invalidate her arguments by pointing out other things wrong with people's lives. Somehow, he'd have to side with the president.

## Saturday, 16 October 2010

### Nice surprise

I'm pleasantly surprised to find the mall my aunt works on has WiFi, because I meant to write down some bits of a dream I remember having, though I can't remember how long ago. I remember being in a dream where I was afraid of being shot to death and I kept reminding myself that I wouldn't be able to hear the bullet that killed me, which was oddly calming. It's still very odd to have a dream where I'm afraid to die, more so shot.

### Aliens wanting to steal the soil and air?:

I had a dream where I was in a room where there was a (mathematical?) presentation. The lights were out and I distinctly remember seeing my abstract algebra (new) professor wearing very short shorts, sitting in a chair. The chairs were arranged as they are in a theatre or auditorium, stuck to one another by rows. Storm from the X men was there too. I had to get up once, at night, to go to the door. I noticed two aliens (rather pictoresque, cartoonish even... nothing like the white wide eyed blobs they insist on) who were collecting samples of our soil and air (I believe water or something else too). Storm scared them away, using a device that could track their ship and make sure they were sent miles away from it into space. I went back in where a black man asked me what I was doing outside. He was worried about me, it was really sweet. I got back out to seal the ccontainers (like small golden thermos) the aliens had taken and I went back to the room where the presentation was taking place. Before I got out, the black man above told me not to and I told him not to worry. When I got back, I was told that they'd all been there for several days, and I remarked it was very strange, as I could only remember one day passing. Namely, it was the one that changed when I left at night to find the aliens outside. It seemed very odd. As there were no more seats available, I ended up sitting near my professor, which was oddly comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. It may or may not have something to do with the fact that my professor gesticulates a lot like D did.

Next thing I remember I was at the Hilton hotel in Ctg with my dad on my back. Very weird, very uncomfortable, too close for comfort, really. He insisted that I carry him to the bathroom, where he intended to go when I offered to carry him (he must've had some physical problem I normally wouldn't have offered. I relished an ice cone, but they didn't sell them anymore.

## Friday, 15 October 2010

### Again a shower?

I had a dream last night where I took a shower, only I forgot to undress and had to take off my clothes with the water running. I wonder why the thematic shower is taking over...

In another dream, there was a circus and there were two superheroes, a man and a woman. As far as the circus goes, I remember there was a clown wanting to get his own act, only he couldn't get children to like it, even though he shuffled waffles in the air and gave the children some with letters on them. As for the superheroes, they were both dressed up to conceal their identities and they wanted to kiss, so the guy said they should take their masks off. The woman said it didn't matter, but obliged anyway. Someone came into the room they were in and the guy had to walk about pretending to be busy so no one would look at him.

## Wednesday, 13 October 2010

### Army?

I had a dream last night where I was staying at some woman's apartment. She'd emptied it for me, and when I went in to get settled I found all of these men in uniforms (army uniforms) lying on the floor. I, for some reason, assumed they were dead. For a strange reason, it didn't bother me and I didn't really notice them until much later. I was opening a door somewhere and I found one of them on the floor, which is when he woke up. Soon after that the others started waking up too and next thing I know they're out of the apartment. It was explained that sometimes they were allowed to crash in civilians' homes, just like that. I remember R1 was in the army. Very strange, no?

## Tuesday, 12 October 2010

### Social skills points, mostly lost

Here's how I lost social skills points and some cheap psychology on why I'll just go on losing them. Let's start with today's late freak out. I did freak out about LesMisGuy, after all. Before numerical analysis I stood outside the classroom to eat something and he decided to talk to me about the abstract algebra homework. He had a point in something I hadn't really proved yet and was about to prove incorrectly. The thing is, something about the way he approached me to talk and the way Srq just went ahead instead of hanging out and talking to us hinted at something more than my paranoia will allow as normal. I actually figured that Srq was making sure not to cock block LesMisGuy by making room. I decided to go into class and started to freak out not long after that.

Possibly because of that, possibly for any other reason, when LesMisGuy walked out of university with me I did a couple of things I'm really not proud of. Most importantly, I was selfish, petty and rather cold when he said he'd be at a mass tomorrow for some friend (who might've died? like I said, very selfish, I didn't even listen...). To make matters worse I must have come across as being incredibly rude and cold when I talked about funerals and deaths quite so Sheldonly, not to mention I just casually mentioned I don't really believe in anything except maybe praying to make the living feel better. He said he didn't believe much (so he actually is a believer, only he didn't want to be confrontational). Not nearly as bad (because that right there was pretty bad, I get it) I sort of let slip the comment once made by a welsh math teacher who said some British men are more concerned with being funny than they are with being good in bed. I applied it to my only British professor left. I actually said it out loud. I understand that such comments are better left unsaid (and above, I really should've just shut up and listened). Those were major fails. I do get it. I'm very sorry. I just really didn't notice on time.

Thing is, I'm not 100% sure why I did it. The last part might have had something to do with paranoia, if you add the fact that the tack earring guy approached me before class and started to make small talk... I discovered he has hideous teeth and ran for the classroom as soon as I saw the professor going in. He called me by name. I don't know his. It makes me uncomfortable. And it's not just the snob in me, he really lost too many points staring at me and the other girl that way. I was wearing a huge sweater (as is customary by policy, no matter how hot it is outside) and he still approached me... that's just wrong, and I have to wonder if it's true guys like women while they're on their period. It may have something to do with swollen (and therefore larger) breasts. Maybe it's purely hormonal. Maybe it's not even true. It still bothered me that he tried to talk to me. So that's the explanation that's all about paranoia. There's a different one, though, if I really try to explain things better.

I have a terrible self esteem, that's no secret, right? It's not getting any better now that I know my discrete geometry assigment, the one I pulled an all-nighter for, will be graded over 2. I think very little of myself (I almost typed "too little" and corrected myself, what does that tell you?). On some level, I actually believe that others (no matter how much or little I care about them) are better off away from me. So I push people away when they try to come near me. The only people who got close and got to know me (A, but mostly EBF) aren't close and I think it was their choice (and my fault). There's a lot at work there, and it's not just the fact that I'm so self-centered. I just don't seem to deserve being around others. I'm so sure I'm positively gruesome I try not to let anyone know, I hide the my hideous self from others because it would be embarrassing to show too much. And yet I'm careless with what I say, I think out loud much more than I should and often have too little control over impluses to grimace and curse under my breath. I even daresay I'm borderline sociopathic. There's very little human left in me, and my little one's so sick I'm afraid there will be too little left if something happens to her.

I'd better get to study a little now, so I'll leave the shrink personality shrink so I can get some work done. I need to wake up early to take my little one to the vet.

### Weird animal

I had an odd dream last night. The only part I remember involves me being in the shower and seeing this very strange animal in it. It wass tiny, the size of a spider or a tiny moth and I know I considered it to be like a butterfly in the dream, but really it was nothing like a butterfly, when you consider it didn't have a long body, antennae or wings. I'll call it a slaven-butterfly, as it actually resembled slaven wilders from FFXII. Very strange. Even stranger, I tried to wash it down with water from the shower, only I was trying hard not to kill it.

## Monday, 11 October 2010

### I really am evil

Ok, I held on to it long enough and messenger refuses to send my messages to A so we can mock together, so I'm telling myself now. There was this guy in school2 who had perfect hair and a very funny sense of vanity (rumour has it he put on a retainer to smoke so his teeth wouldn't go yellow). I don't think I've spoken to him as much as five times (it's actually very likely we never talked more than twice). So I can't help but find it hilarious (via a similar thing happening not that long ago) that he sent me a facebook private message saying it's been a long time since we last talked, and asking what's up with my life. The similar thing that happened before? Also a message out of the blue by some guy from school2 I never talked to. Back then, EBF and I talked, so when I asked, he told me this guy (from long ago) was interested... in me as may be. EBF told me he'd talked to the guy and that I'd been described as an aged wine, or a bottle of aged wine, perhaps? I still think it's hilarious. This is beyond squirrel logic, but for the life of me I can't figure out what kind of logic it is.

### I don't know what to think. Do you?

Let me just state, I'm very tired. My little one woke me up and didn't really let me sleep much last night not to mention I got early to Pentagono and they wouldn't let me do the hours I owe because they say they'd rather I did them when there are exams people need to study for. I wasted precious time (the one I wasted during the weekend should've added up as rest time, only it didn't). Also, I have my period, so maybe I can blame this on hormones.

You see, today during topology class I had the oddest feeling. For no particular reason and all of a sudden I started straying into this fantasy that didn't seem my own, one where LesMisGuy stood at my right (no idea why the side is important or if it is), his arms around my waist and sweetly kissing my neck. Gears started turning in my head (possibly because quite a few have fallen off, so I can't promise they're turning properly) and it ocurred to me that LesMisGuy might have a crush on me. He's a sweetheart. Always has been, and I can only guess he always will. The other guys in topology are also sweethearts. However, there's something more to the way he tries to talk to me, smiling a little. I think that's what flirting is supposed to be about.

The funny thing is, he's never around enough (or as much?), like Srq, so conversations don't naturally develop and for some reason conversations with him don't stray into cool subjects at random, like they do with Srq. I wonder what it would be like if they did, though. I know he reads real literature, and I know he knows French. I also know he's very smart, has original ideas and is just soooo smart (he's doing 3 different careers, I think, and is working on his thesis for systems engineering). He's not exactly what I'd call eye candy, because there's something off with gaps in his teeth that make him look stupid (though I know he isn't) and he's got a sort of big head. Overlook that, and you'll find he must work out quite a bit, as his chest, shoulders and arms show when he's only wearing a t-shirt. I can't honestly say I care much about this last part, I just happened to notice.

That's the funny thing (though to be honest, it's kinda sad, I'd really like to talk to him... it's always nice to talk to smart interesting people). The odd thing is, and it truly is odd, that I'm not freaked out, as I am by default when I get the sneaking suspicion that a guy likes me. (At least since I met Mr. Bipolar and Mr. Marryme/Dx. I even told Srq about this fleetingly, when I told him I found it very weird that a guy from maths said "Hi linaThumbe! Are you happy/content?". Srq started saying he was probably interested... in knowing if I was happy/content. I cut him off before he finished the sentence saying it would freak me out to find the guy was interested, because guys who hit on me (at least in university) have creeped me out. Anyway, the conversation there drifted to Srq thinking bipolar people are proud to be bipolar and this post is supposed to explain that I'm really not freaked out by LesMisGuy possibly fancying me. To be honest, I'd even be flattered.

Don't bring it up later, because I may just deny it and blame it on period hormones, but I spent a good deal of the bus ride thinking of what it would be like to be with LesMisGuy. Then again, I'm afraid a link might've been built between him and the abstract homework I should be working on right now, as he asked about it and I was trying to think of a solution in the bus. There is, after all, a little Sheldon left in me... that's good.

## Sunday, 10 October 2010

### Feeling down, I am... much need of a fast forward

I feel like such a failure at being a mathematician, and it's all I have a chance at being right now, so really, I'm such a failure! I fucked up the topology exam, failing it with a 2.1 so I dropped the subject. I also fucked up the discrete geometry homework(s), scored a 1.3 in the second one and didn't really get to finish the third. To think I pulled an all nighter with Srq working on it, I didn't go to sleep until 5am Saturday and I still couldn't get it finished. Srq didn't fail the topology exam, and has a 4.5 from his first discrete geometry homework, so he'll be fine. But I'm so screwed! I found out I need to assist TWO seminars, on different semesters, to graduate. That fucks up all plans of going to Tmp next summer.

It wouldn't be a problem if it weren't for the fact that we really can't afford to pay one semester in full. I could try just half a semester (I really wouldn't need much more) but still... I'm only just hanging by a thread in other subjects (except for numerical analysis) and it's just too much. I'm mostly worried that I really must be too stupid, because I've actually been working hard and spending quite a lot of time getting shit done. I spent over 4 (full) days studying for topology, looking at exercises and their solutions and building a map of ideas and how they're related. If I were smart enough, I should team up with LesMisGuy... it's just that when we studied together I felt like such a moron. He scored a 4.6 in his exam. And he's doing fine in logic. I really need help with both.

I want to fast forward to a time when none of it matters (after all, I'll be doing something completely unrelated) and I can stop worrying so much about everything. My little one's sick and I fear that the vet isn't treating her properly. I know I'm only reading this online, but hers is no simple infection and if I had to guess I'd think it's pyometra. The vet checked for that trying to squeeze her uterus to get the pus out, but none came out so he left it at that. However, she's been on two different antibiotics for almost two weeks now and, though she doesn't have a fever anymore, she's still got (what I insist is pus tinted with blood, not heat blood) stuff coming out and it doesn't seem to be running out either. What worries me more there is that, if it does stop coming out, it could be that her cervix has closed completely. If that happens, she will be a ticking time bomb. She's still constantly thirsty and that's a sign of kidney malfunction. I have no time to nurse her back to health. I can't make good use of my time. I've spent this weekend resting and I'm sure I'll regret it. I just can't get it all done, you know?

I don't even remember what it was like in school, being able to understand concepts so easily and knowing how to apply them. I can barely remember the things I learn and it seems I don't learn them right to begin with so I can't make good use of them. Even when I think I do understand them correctly, I can't put my thoughts down on paper properly which just makes me as much of a moron as if I didn't know anything in the first place. It's supposed to be kiddie stuff. I shouldn't be having this much trouble. I used to be a fast learner. I can tell my brain is not what it used to be and I hate to think that I'm slowly turning as stupid as my parents.

You know what I did to feel good about myself today? Slap on some tea tree oil cream I found in the bathroom cabinet as well as some of my almond oil cream, thinking of making my skin softer (I know I can't really get rid of the stretchmarks, I'm supposed to at least keep up a treatment to get any hope). I scrubbed my face and put on some vitamin E cream too. I've literally gone for trying to fight my hideous outside and try and feel prettier so I don't feel so shitty. It's incredibly cliché, very shallow, and not working. I just want someone to hug me and tell me it's all going to be alright. I need my brain back. I hate being stupid. I'm so frustrated... I'm smart enough to realise I'm stupid and that's the worst kind of smar there is, because I'm not smart enough to actually be competent. I'm barely superior to the boring average and I'm slowly turning average myself. I'm a little desperate, and I'm not sure it's all to blame on the hormones (it's almost "that time of the month" already).

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!! I'm so screwed!!! If I don't take the topology exam and pass, I can't do the freaking teaching practice and that will leave me another semester behind!!! I'm breaking down... I really can't do it... Putting a time limit on everything just makes it so much harder... I don't see any of it happening. I can't see myself graduating in any future. I really just can't... I have no time to take differential geometry. I'm not particularly confident that I'll pass the topology exam if my professor is the one grading it. I'm not particularly confident that I'll pull through.

This is a two year old's tantrum: if I remember correctly, two year olds are very easily frustrated by the fact that their tiny inferior bodies can't live up to their grown up inspired expectations.

As long as I'm in a rant... let's just throw in some more crazy talk: I really think that the news article in a biased newspaper here saying that the bomb that went off not that long ago was put there by the guerilla, and that evidence of it was found in the latest dead bad guy's computer, is complete bullshit. For one, I take it that the people in the guerilla are evil, and smart evil. If I could think of hurting more people then so could they, and the whole terrorist part of it was completely absent, seeing as they could've killed people but actually didn't. That, added to the fact that the official investigation immediately after the fact was way off track (and serious journalists pointed that out) are enough reason for me to think that it's one lousy way to cover up tracks. Oh, and also, I really don't like the senator who lost her job recently, but I do have to speak my mind out and say that, having read a report where they quoted the actual paper where she was accused, that was also bullshit. Even more so because they also used the computer excuse and spoke of e-mails they didn't report when they first found said computer. This is all really fucked up, and I hate it that I sound ever more like the people who throw stones for comfort because I'm siding with those who criticise the government, but given we've no rights for criticising, I'm now part of the rabble.

## Thursday, 7 October 2010

### I need to get some proper sleep

I had a dream last night where our numerical analysis professor baked us all lasagna, but couldn't get it warm because MATLAB was hung up with a matrix that had a very big order (whatever that may be). Oh, and in another dream, A and her family were going away to Disney for 6 days. Apparently, she'd won the tickets. They gathered with some man that would be in charge of the paperwork and I remember being there while it happened. My cousin had bought a male siberian husky pup (since they killed her dog and all). He was incredibly sweet and well trained for a pup.

## Wednesday, 6 October 2010

### This came up spontaneously

I don't suppose I would've remembered it otherwise. I was studying topology with Srq and for some reason we started talking about something that blew up, or the universe, or nothing in particular maybe. The thing is, I remembered a dream I had where the world was about to end and I could see the solar flares. The sun looked very odd, much larger than usual, much more yellow and with red spots as well as the very big, visible solar flares. I even remember talking to other people about the damage the flares could do from a distance. I don't know when I had that dream, though. I do know I had a nested dream last night. Nothing too important, I think. I woke up from one dream (whatever that was) and started rummaging for the pieces of cardboard I've been using to study for topology. I didn't realise it then, but things were a little off, like the furniture and the stuff in the room. It was another dream.

I'd just like to say, again, I think the guys who study topology with me are such sweethearts. Also, we started abstract algebra lectures with my newfound nerd quasi crush and if I do say so myself, they're as great as I expected them to be. There's his lovely English, for one. But also his theatricality, bright coloured socks, random jokes, and the very way he thinks (which is oddly so transparent... you can even tell when he's stopped to consider changing colours, handwriting style and when he's questioning his own logic). It's really very nice. Also, I don't suppose I wrote it out explicitly before, but I'm delighted to find a tiny wish come true. I was hoping he'd be able to bring some (decent, as in fun ) motivation for all the work we're doing with polynomials, and you know what happened come the end of the lecture? He handed out a couple of pages on the subject he wrote himself (so very much like him, maybe a word or a few off the mark: "If we remember the important mathematical principle of not forgetting what it is we're trying to prove...").

Oh... I just hope I did well in today's topology exam. I think I did quite well, but I haven't the heart to look over the solutions just yet. As for logic... well, it was only just short of a 3, so I suppose my average is still near enough to 3 that I can afford not to drop the subject. Statistics went relatively well... I'm a little afraid of my discrete geometry grade for the last assignment, though. I hope it's not too far from the almost 3 from last one, and that I can decently score a 4 in the next one which (I'm only too happy to tell) we were given another couple of days to work on. I'd be in tears by now if I had to turn it in in less than two hours because I hardly had 4-5 hours of sleep last night and I've got to get up early tomorrow.

I am in tears, however. I couldn't help myself and I went ahead and watched "Grilled Cheesus". I love Chris Colfer. I know I've said it before. I'm just so moved by Kurt, you know? I really can't relate that much to any of what happened in the episode, but I couldn't hold back tears when he sang "I want to hold your hand". No, wait... I do sort of relate: I don't hold any hands. Ever. If I allow myself to believe I did have a dream about D (I had the nagging feeling that it had happened as I showered this morning) where there was hope that we get together... I'm so hopeless. I want to hold his hand and I want to do it like we did ages ago when we sat in the cold floor, sharing a blanket. *sigh* I miss him. I do feel very lonely. All the loveliness of the math guys and the awesome rue morguish and wicked nerdly cool moments around Srq are lost to that.

For that last remark to make any sense I'd better explain myself: while we studied he came up with a conversation regarding how moments in life could somehow make time discrete while keeping it continuous, which is an idea I'm quite familiar with already. We almost started a very nice conversation about time which I cut out to study topology. I do make such an ass of myself all the time, though. I burped, not long after the exam started. It wasn't that loud, but it was so quiet... how embarrassing... I also tripped with my bag on the floor yesterday when Srq, LesMisGuy and I were studying. The thoughts do torture me a bit, but I'll try not to let them and to pretend none of it happened... I feel like enough of a fool the rest of the time to be worrying about stuff that's only ruled by society and my body can't quite help doing.

Just before I stop writing, I'd like to rant a bit about girls who speak like little girls when they're with their boyfriends. A couple sat behind me in the bus today and I could've slapped the woman for being so ridiculous. She was not even a teenager! She deliberately faked the squamish shrill voice to sound "cute" and "sweet" and I could tell because when she did it for too long it sort of fell back to normal a little bit. I think it's borderline pedophilia to like girls who do that. They do it resorting to the guy's "paternal instincts" (no animal ever guards their mates, only offspring), which is literally acting as if she were his daughter, only she kisses (and probably does more to please) him. It's just sick. It's wrong. It's annoying. I can't stand it. If you're using your sexuality by all means do refrain from mixing it with your childish whining and pouting. When it's not strictly playful it's just wrong.

## Sunday, 3 October 2010

### Oh crap...

My computer crashed. It did, I was trying to get it to start this morning but it kept resetting and eventually just wouldn't go on, so I had to call my dad and he left it at the tech guy's place. Fortunately, I got to keeep most of my information. At least what I kept in my documents. I hope I didn't leave anything important out. I'll have to download a couple of programs again, which will be tedious, but I'll be fine, I think. I have no idea why it crashed, though. It had a few minor (or so McAffee said) trojans, but what it's the drivers folder that got screwed up, so I figure some virus got past the antivirus and through to it. The reasons why anyone would make a virus that annoying are beyond me.

Anyway, I'm almost done with exercises (yay but not *elmo yay* because I've still plenty of work to do including a schedule to send my uncle so he knows I'm interested in his offer and am doing my part to make it work, the discrete geometry homework, and a mind map to study for topology, as I'm very lazily copying down answers from the web so I can go over them until Wednesday).

As for EBF, well, I'm still not really over having ruined the last conversation, and I'm secretly (so I post it on the blog) wondering if I'm a sociopath. I wonder if I really do ruin conversations or if the fact that I'm always the last one to talk before they die is completely unrelated. Either way, it all sucks, but I'm slowly growing more used to it and at least I said nothing about going away. I did figure I could've done some minor explaining so my last comment didn't come across as a sort of insult, like make myself an idiot for liking show tunes or something... Not worth it, though, right? Right... I'll try not to make too much of it, but he really must be very bored if he's talking to me as often as once every couple of weeks.

I've mostly forgotten by now, but I had a dream about monkeys that lived in the sea (I only got the pun when I woke up). The lady monkeys wore heels (some, at least, apparently there were two groups). I can't remember much more, I would've written more if my computer hadn't crashed. It was a rather amusing dream.

## Saturday, 2 October 2010

### A painter?

I was just going over the facebook newsfeed when I saw that someone's now friends with the guy from school1 who's now living in Italy. It reminded me that I had a dream that involved him and some French painter. The French painter was very tall, blond, had blue eyes, and might as well have been an underwear model. My mum wanted to invite him over for lunch or something and when she did the grocery shopping he insisted in paying for the few things she was buying (he was rich). I vaguely remember a very expensive looking room, old style. Dark wood, mirrors, little statues, dim light... Not sure what happened there, though. I think I just barely remember the part about the French painter and the guy I mentioned before from school1 knowing him.

## Friday, 1 October 2010

### Who's feeling petty? I am!

I'm feeling petty enough to make note of the fact that EBF just started a conversation about Before Sunrise. I don't suppose it will go too well. Either way, I got topology exercises to work on.

Quick edit: a couple of lines about the film, a couple of lines about some music group (I might've fucked that one up saying it sounds, to me, just like the rest of the music he listens to). Now I'm seriously considering telling him about the trip to Tmp. I'd better not, so I'm leaving evidence here and now. I'd better not. I'm telling myself not to, because if I do, I'll be allowed an internal I told you so.