Thursday, 30 September 2010

Drowning cockatoo

I don't know (I keep telling myself I was and I did) if I was insensitive or came across as too pushy texting Srq to ask if we're actually going to work on topology exercises tomorrow and when and where. I probably should've just asked if we'll get together after all, but when I called around 1pm to ask if he'd go back to university he said he wouldn't and that we should work on the exercises tomorrow, even offering to come over instead of making me go to university. I said it was all cool and came here for lunch. I haven't done an awful lot since (3 exercises) but still, I'm working on it. He hasn't called or texted back (and I texted around 6pm) so I take it we won't be doing anything tomorrow. I could've really used having someone who could think smarter than me to move along faster, but I'll just have to find a way to drag my butt along the 10 (or more) sections of exercises I haven't finished yet during the weekend. That means I won't get time to get any of the discrete geometry homework done, but I'd better score well in this topology exam or I'll be so screwed.

So... yeah, I'd better stop writing now. It's just that I feel like such a loser! I needed to write something down. I still think he shouldn't have said anything about getting together tomorrow if he didn't mean to stick with it because I'm prone to take things at face value, but when we talked at 1 I asked how his girlfriend was doing and he said she was ok but he had stuff to do, that we could work tomorrow. That's supposed to mean we'll work tomorrow, right? And normally I could've expected him to call me to arrange something, seeing as he cancelled today, but waiting beyond 6 made it awkward to call. I'm not cool with phonecalls and I don't like to make phonecalls past 7-8, and it's already 7. Yeah, not gonna happen... Fuuuuuuuuuck.

A quick update

... Whatever social skills points I earned, a waste if it turns out I came all the way to university and we don't get to study. I would've just left but that would both breach a spoken contract of sorts and get me wet, so I'm just going to stay here and try to get some work done until it's not so awfully cold and wet outside. Srq met me an hour late to say he had to go take his girlfriend to the hospital. Don't get me wrong, I understand (sort of, a few things puzzle me there), but I could've done without the bus trip or being here when I could be in bed.

Hey, if she's sick I understand he'll want to be there for her, that's understandable. I have the sneaking suspicion that she might've just decided to get sick because he was going to spend a whole day with another girl (me). That's if she's of the jealous type, and I don't really know her, but the whole thing sounds a bit dodgy. I don't really get why it had to be in a hospital downtown. I also don't see why he's the one who has to take her to the hospital. I mean, if they meet there it's easy enough to understand, but seriously, doesn't she have anyone else? If it's bad, can she really depend on him alone to take her to the hospital?

I told him he could've just called to tell me he couldn't make it and stayed with his girlfriend instead of meeting me. Srq said he didn't know about her being sick when he called to let me know he was going to be 15-30min late. I lied saying I'd be late too. I told him to come back to study if she wasn't too sick, and that I didn't mean to sound insensitive or anything. I said he should totally stay with her all day if it was bad and it would just talke a phone call to let me know whether he'd be coming back or not. I take it he won't, but he made a good point saying he'll need to study anyway. Still... I'm cold (even though I've got two shirts, a sweater and a blanket), uncomfortable (I'd rather be in bed wearing pijamas) and lost two hours worth of bus rides. and the money for them. It's been about an hour now. I'll wait until 12:30-1:00 to give him a call and ask if he's coming (if he doesn't call) after that, I'm leaving as soon as I see it's not raining so badly.

For the record, everything between me and Srq is strictly academic and at most rewarding in a nerdy way. Never had thoughts of being with him (seriously) because there are plenty of good reasons not to (besides him having a girlfriend). So there.

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

Coy? Oh, boy...

I made up my mind and texted Srq asking if we could work on topology exercises tomorrow. He called and said he'd intended to call before, and that we could get together tomorrow for a topology marathon. Possibly, we'll get together again on Friday to continue (there's a hell of a lot of exercises we haven't worked on). An odd Rue Morgue moment, we sort of agreed on the time before it was spoken out loud. No biggie. Also, I asked the guy from school1 to let me know where he found the solutions manual to topology exercises. All in all, I think I deserve some social skills points. I'm a little worried, though, about whether or not I come across as coy and manipulative getting guys to share information with me like that. I'd hate it. I'd hate myself for it.

On a small note... Srq remembered where I live (or at least mentioned it was farther than university from where he lives, which turns out to be far south and far west). I'm not sure if I find it odd that he lives (or said he lives) that far away. For one because I'm not very good at geography but that area is poorer than he shows to be. Also because I wonder if it was just a smart way to not come over. That last bit is probably just some mild paranoia. I won't mind it much. I'd better get back to reading the topology textbook. (Hey, at least I finished watching the discrete geometry lecture videos, it took me all day to catch up with all 5 of them, and go to the dentist).

Crazy politics

I had a dream, among others, where I was in some ancient looking ruins in the forest with my parents and quite a lot of other people. We were preparing to vote. I realised it had to be the mayor elections and I was sorry to find there were a lot less green people than there could/should be. At some point my dad dressed up as a woman.

In another dream I was in a dungeon not unlike Goron City in ZOoT, there were giant caterpillars (of the kind that dress up as snakes) and one of them even did magic tricks. There was a persecution and the magic trick caterpillar tricked two people(?) after it into falling into an abyss to pick up some cards it could make transform into something else. Also in this dream, in the dungeon, two women slept with one man and then clued him in on why they didn't smell, which was supposed to be a good thing.

In another dream there was someone in a plane (possibly the russian guy from school1) we could somehow wish for him to have and he flew around only the engine gave in and we gave him instructions to land near the place we were in, in Tobago.

In another dream I could see some sort of ad where a bathroom of some school or other working place was shown. It was supposed to be in Mexico. Some woman demonstrated the use of this funny contraption to squeeze toothpaste from and brushed her teeth.

In another dream I was in a big clothes store. It was supposed to be one of the indie stores not so far from where my sister goes to university, only it was overgrown to several floors of clothes. I was there with my sister and we'd been given money to buy clothes. I remember running around with a dress and finding a red thread behind me. I followed it (racing up electric stairs going down at one point) to keep the dress from being ruined. The dress was purple, by the way. Not sure why the thread was red, but it was only in the edge, keeping the threads of the fabric together, I gather.

In yet another dream (the last I remember, I think) I was in some store downtown, actually part of the above store, so I'm not so sure it was a different dream anymore, where some man was trying to get me to buy some self-improvement books and oils for stress. I told him the oils and cream smelled terrible and you couldn't possibly tell stressed out people to bear with a terrible smell because it sure as hell isn't going to help the stress. I bought whatever else he'd brought me, though.

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

Still all over the place

Can't manage to focus. At least I closed the game where you shoot pins to line them up and make them fall. A few notes...

First, I was at the vet with my little one and she'll be needing surgery again, which is breaking my heart already, to think of her being traumatised further. She'll be so hurt! And how could she understand? What's worse, I won't have much time to pamper her back to health, so she'll be stuck with my mum. Not that it's a bad thing, but it could be better. Oh little one...I wish she didn't need the surgery and she were completely tumor free.

On a second note, I'm still feeling very theatrical and I've re-discovered the phantom of the opera. I want to watch the film again. I wish I had someone to watch it with, though. I'll just feel stupid watching it for myself (not to mention I'd have to go rent it, as it would be incredibly lucky to just find it on television). I love the voice of the guy who plays Eric. I just love it. As much as I love Alan Rickman's voice and MGG's almost whisper. That's how much.

I'm making strawberry sherbet... exciting, eh? Yeah, not so much when you consider how much I haven't got around to doing that actually requires doing. I'd better go back to at least re-reading the topology textbook.

Out

I had a dream last night (well, technically this morning, my mum woke me up and interrupted it). At first I was supposed to meet L1 at some place to have dinner and drinks in. I don't know why I ended up in the last neighbourhood I lived in, in Ctg. Some guy asked me to go to the local store with him and I agreed. He bought a case of beers and I carried it for him. When we got to the doors my mum and dad were there to pick me up and I got on the car with the beers. I told my parents I intended to give them back, that I hadn't paid for them and that the guy who did could be missing them but they refused. They told me to try opening the box first, see what was inside. We found lots of clothes that were supposed to belong to my sister and I, many of them very nice (there was a lovely white shirt with buttons and blue borders from guess I just loved), many of them from a long time ago (some were tiny bathing suits that used to fit my sister). I remember hanging the clothes in my room by the window with my mum and choosing what to wear (my mum wanted me to change clothes). For some reason, I didn't get to finish getting my clothes and I had to leave, to Tmp. I went with my sister and when my aunt A called and my sister picked up I told her to please tell my aunt to meet us at a mall. I'd skipped breakfast (I'd forgotten a glass of yogurt I intended to eat), my jacket (part of the not getting dressed properly bit) and something else that was kinda important during my stay. We went up the stairs of a mall and found my aunt MT with her daughter and her family, asking how we'd been doing and whether it was the first time we'd been alone there. That's when my mum woke me up.

Monday, 27 September 2010

So there's that too, you know?

What can I say? I'm a uniform distribution.

Just so I don't forget (like I could), I'd better remind myself that I'm supposed to be working on topology exercises, the discrete geometry homework or at least watching discrete geometry lectures.

I'm not in the mood, though. I'm in the mood to write. I'm in the mood to talk to EBF. One of those pointless, random, not really about anything in particular conversations that are so fulfilling anyway. I also find myself thinking of D and wanting to be with him, even though I've found the ultimate argument to convince myself that it's not a good idea.

I watched the first episode of the second season of glee, I couldn't resist and checked wikipedia, and you know what??? If rumours are true, the blond jock will be Kurt's boyfriend!!! Stoked!!!

See that right there? (No, you don't, but I left this window be for a bit while I downloaded some more Chicago songs and a few from Cabaret) I'm all over the place.

My hormones are all over the place too, I guess, or I wouldn't be wanting to be with D so badly. I'm suddenly missing kissing, you now? I miss the contact and I miss it badly enough that I've gone as far as comparing myself to Rachel (glee, anyone?). She got Finn! I've got no one! And she's the one who's supposed to be incredibly annoying. No one's supposed to be reading this, so I don't suppose anyone knows this particular part of my annoying side. Oh come now... I've even gone into a procrastinating mode, where I figure everything will come together later on (and by later on I mean when I'm in Tmp, which won't be for another year). I figure that things will happen much like they do in television and films and if I'm not kidnapped by a serial killer, I'll meet some guy who can like me for my nerdy weirdness and I'll have a chance of liking. It's pathetic.

It might have something to do with my late Broadway fever. I'm all about theatricality and being the star of my own story, I just wish there was something to it. It's all so incredibly lame, mediocre, and offputtingly boring to be stuck where I am right now. Not that I have no ways out (though I can't think of one... except for sending D a facebook message offering no strings attached whatever he wants to do with me... yeah, perhaps not) I just don't see a particularly bright near future. There's AOB, A, Srq and um... no one, really? AOB kinda freaks me out a little lately, and I'm not 100% whether it's the genetic thing or something else worry about, but whatever it is, it's there. A... we don't talk that much. And Srq... well, we don't exactly talk, so there.

The weather doesn't help. The constant rain makes me lazy, brings me down and makes me think of impossibly romantic scenarios. I discovered I love the smell of fire burning while there's rain. Something about the burnt wood mixing with the smell of wet soil and plants is very comforting.

I miss EBF. I wish we could talk (like we used to). I haven't bothered adding him back to my contacts list because I know I'll be tempted to say something (like showing thim the Bruno Mars songs I found on YouTube, even if he finds them lame).

... I blanked out. I'd started a new sentence there, but I just blanked out. I forgot what went next after "I also" and I just deleted it while I thought of something, but I'm all out of words right now.

I need a hug (from someone I don't mind being hugged by).

Oh, and some more paranoia (feel free to track this to find schizophrenia, I'm pretty sure there's some of that here somewhere). It's a little weird that AOB chose to bring his little brother along, but I'll let it slip. It's a little weirder that Srq manages to bring up stuff I like as if he'd read my short bio for discrete geometry (which hasn't been posted on the site yet, along with plenty other things that are still missing). I don't know if it reminds me of R1 asking what books I read in the library. Then again, he's got a girlfriend, and it's most likely pure coincidence.

I can't get "Billionaire" out of my head now...

Sunday, 26 September 2010

All in all, it went well...

AOB and his little brother just left. It was nice. I'm glad his little brother came, I would've freaked out a little otherwise. My sister played too. We had caramel popcorn, fries, and pizza. Now I've gotta try and get my logic assignment finished. That's that, I think. Yeah. So long!

Saturday, 25 September 2010

Ups and downs

Faux up: I've go a week off from university, finally. not really an up because I've so much too do!!!

News (sort of an up, really hilarious): Remember H1? Wanna know what he's up to now? Modelling. Nothing fancy, either, just an inflated ego because he works for the equivalent of american target stores. I won't go into details regarding how much of an idiot he turns out to be (and who'd have thought? he used to be so smart...).

Downs: So many. First, I'm such an idiot. I only scored a 2.9 in my first discrete geometry homework assignment. That's with the 10% LaTeX bonus. I felt like such an idiot asking Srq how he did (4.5). So unworthy of working with him in the future. Even more so when he mentioned he'd found a bijection between the faces of the permutahedron and the set of partitions of the set of n elements. A nerd thing. We worked on it for an afternoon and accomplished nothing. He got it down that night. I had trouble getting my editor to work, so I didn't even bother trying to come up with solutions for the last two questions I didn't work on. I'm only just scraping by, you know? I've got to finish my logic partial exam/assigment. Thank goodness we got more time to work on it, but I'm not sure it's going to come along all that well. I just hope I score a 3 or higher so I can continue to scrape by. There's a problem with that, though. I've taken the day off today to rest. I've watched television all day. I haven't even showered. I was out last night at L1's house (hence the H1 story among several others). That was all very nice.

I texted AOB, asking if he'd checked his messenger, to see if we were on for the Mario Party game this weekend. He called, we talked, we agreed to meet tomorrow. No doctor friends though, he said. I left a message for A and another one for CtW. I hope one of them answers. I don't want to be stuck with AOB. There was something awkward in his voice when we talked and it got my paranoia going. I don't want him to try anything. I just talked to A, actually, and she can't make it. It will be just AOB, my sister and I tomorrow. I don't look forward to it. If AOB brought his friends along it would be ok, because I wouldn't be stuck being alone with AOB at any time (for instance, if my sister goes to the bathroom or something). I can't call it off now, though, can I? So, awkward and time consuming (and I have to go hand in the logic work on Monday morning). Great.

I've yet to see if I'll try and call Srq to work on topology exercises. I talked about it with him and he said yes but I'd have to call him to check and arrange something properly, which I'm not sure I'll end up doing.

Side note: just watched most of Casanova. Nice film.

Thursday, 23 September 2010

So tired, of everything

So... a wonderful afternoon yesterday with Srq, working on the discrete geometry assignment. We got nothing done. I left at 7pm. Wonderful, but at a very high price, never mind the bus ride. I had to study for statistics (I had the partial exam today, I hope I did well). Thank goodness the guy who's from school1 lent me some of the exercises. It's a shame I didn't get to really look at them. CtW helped a lot, I skipped logic class and met with her to work on exercises and go over them. Some guys she'd been working with yesterday joined us. It was nice, and as a bonus, one of the exercises we were having trouble with? We were able to call someone who knew how to solve it, which was incredibly lucky, as it was in the exam. We feel a little silly for being so honest and not taking out the exercises we worked on to copy to the exam paper, but it would just be wrong. A shame, really, I could've changed that 1.5 for an easy 4.5+. We'll see how I do next time.

I've had the "a chair is still a chair..." from the Kristin Chenoweth, Chris Colfer and Cory Monteith glee songs in my head all day.

Yesterday it was Amber Reilly singing "and I'm telling you, I'm not going...".

I'm quite sure there was plenty I wanted to write, but I've just plain forgot, you know? I'm in university right now, trying to work on the partial exam/homework for logic, see if I can do well in this one to make up for the partial exam. Luckily, my homework grades (and they cost as much as an exam would) are averaging in 4, which is good because it brings the 1.5 up to under a 3, which is manageable. I scored 2.9 in the first discrete geometry assignment... *sigh* I hope the next one (even if I'm down by two exercises) is better. Everything seems to be hanging by a thread now, and I'm just so tired to hang on, you know? I slept next to nothing last night by waking up every hour and a half or so to read from the statistics book.

As a fun fact: Srq explained something he'd been taught in class about thinking in 4 dimensions. If you think of a house as just a square and people in it as circles, they've no way of getting out in case something happens (like, say, a fire). In 3 dimensions, you'd just say "easy, you pick the circle up (one dimension) and put it back out of the burning house". Well, that's exactly the sort of thing people in 4 dimensions would say about us being in a box. Cool, huh?

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Oh, *golly*!

First things first, I had something I wanted to write before anything else, but I've forgot. In case it rings any bell later, I think I thought of it talking to L1, who's inviting me over to her place on Friday night for dinner. Maybe R1 will be there too. That would be nice.

Do you know what's insanely awesome? We get Mr. Benjamin Fairbairn to be our next abstract algebra professor. Woooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Now for smaller matters... I talked to 2 as we got out of class today, it was nice. Turns out he's a cat person, go figure. Otherwise uneventful. Also very nice (but at a price, I'm afraid), yesterday night Srq and I stayed to work on one of the discrete geometry exercises. After several whiteboards and lots of pictures, we figured a few things out about face flags. We stayed late, really, up until 7pm and we might've stayed longer. It's always nice to hang out with him, however nerdy an activity may be, we end up talking about whatever and laughing and making stupid(?) nerdy jokes.

We were supposed to meet today but when he called I didn't notice and by the time I did he was already home, so screw it. Maybe if we're really screwed tomorrow we'll stay again. The price, you ask? I took a bus that spent about 90% of the journey back here in second gear, waiting for passengers. 2 had it right, passengers wait for buses, not the other way round when there's no traffic to justify driving that slow and no people to wait for. Anyway, it was nice. A tiny little bonus grin to self: Srq plays guitar, likes mostly rock music, and most likely will forget to pay back the money I lent for a doughnut, though he mentioned remembering to owe it.

On a petty note, I realise I've told just about everyone I talk to about the fact that I'm leaving next year (which now includes 2) and I haven't told EBF. Normally (again, silly word) I would've told him first. Then again, he doesn't really need to know.

Today's soundtracks have been varied, I've had the jai guru deva om from "Across the Universe" and some "Moonlight becomes you" from Tal Farlow in my head most of the day.

Also, I'm sure I had an addition to the oximoronish list I thought of yesterday in the bus, but I can't for the life of me remember it. I found one in my notebook, though. I'm not sure this is it, but I like it: I'm so small when I stand up.

Oh, and the logic test, I so failed it. 1.5. That's even with the topology exam and the statistics exam. I also failed the second abstract algebra exam but that was a 2.+ so it's not that bad.

Sunday, 19 September 2010

Sneaking suspicion

It's about my cousin's (the dentist) date to the wedding and most other family reunions lately and my topology professor. I think they're both gay. I don't really mind it in my topology professor, I sort of think it makes him a little sweeter (and such a win next to Sfer). In my cousin's date, it's just dodgy. What's a gay guy doing pretending to date a woman over 35?

À la Lorelai

There's this Gilmore Girls episode where Lorelai and Rory are in a fight, but they talk so much Lorelai starts writing down all the things she'd like to tell Rory, out of habit. This is sort of like that. My aunt A invited us out for lunch today and as we didn't think it was ok to go to Wok (we always go there) and we go out for lunch so rarely that we couldn't think of a good place to go, we called my uncle and asked for advice. He suggested we go to a place called Abasto.

It was lovely. For starters, I loved the decoration. It was furnished the way you'd furnish a house out in the country, with rustic furniture, old black and white pictures of people, towns and landscapes, a fireplace (a fireplace!!! how brilliant is that???), pots with wild herbs (I saw sage, basil, thyme, rosemary and pot marigold) and a small town-shop-inspired pantry where they sold traditional town candy, heirloom cherry tomatoes, national goat cheese, and all of these wonderful typical items (like metallic pots with varnish over them to eat from).

The food was fantastic, really, and they had a very short but wide-ranged menu with food both from typical cuisine and mediterranean food. We ordered empanadas (they make their own grinding the corn and everything), chorizo santarrosano (not one bit of cartilage or fat, it was incredibly good), my mum had a mexican tortilla soup and I had a roasted tomato and goat cheese bruschetta. They also brought some fresh baked bread. Some was regular focaccia, the rest was this odd whole wheat bread with peanuts and raisins, which was actually pretty good.

Also worth noting, the service was good (the waitress was very nice and even the owner did some waiting) and the prices were surprisingly low. There were 6 of us and it all came down to just over $270,000. About$20,000 went to the tip for the waitress (which was well deserved). Considering we had two servings of empanadas, two servings of chorizo, the soup, the bruschetta, all 6 entrées, fancy beer for my dad (from the BBC, two bottles), juice for all of us, a soda for me, water for my mum, two desserts and two cups of coffee, it doesn't add up too badly. The $45,000 translates roughly to about$35,000-40,000 each if we hadn't eaten so much, and that's a good price for good (organic, actually) food in relatively large servings.

Anyway, if we talked like we used to, I would've told EBF about the restaurant. I would've recommended it and told him how wonderful a night out for dinner in an old rustic sofa by the fireplace would be. Yeah... could, would, won't.

Notice anything odd? I'm all over the place for one, and I can't concentrate on anything even though I've got so much to do. Also, I'm using the expression "à la" a lot, at least in my head and the last two posts.

A ranting side note: my dad was a drag today. I grow increasingly annoyed by my parents. I am embarrassed of them, of how rude they are, how cheap they are, how they forget what little manners they ever taught me. My mum threw a piece of chewing gum out of the car window the other day. I argued and she argued back that she was sick of chewing it. I said there were plenty of places to leave it in the car while we found a proper bin and she didn't care. My dad cut into a very long line of cars heading up to Usaquen and when I said he shouldn't he just asked "what else am I gonna do?". Well, wait in line like everyone else!!! I didn't say anything though, that would've made things worse if he got mad and started driving worse.

Both he and my mum complain all the time about my aunt A (which I understand, she can be very annoying and blockheaded) but sometimes they start complaining ahead of time about stuff that hasn't happened and might not even happen so it's just extra annoying of them, not my aunt. The lack of manners is just infuriating. They chew with their mouths open, bite on their forks, talk with their mouths full and disregard several "common courtesy" acts with people around them. I won't even bother explaining how terrible my dad language's become. He's just too rude and curses with horrible words over things that don't really deserve cursing.

It's like being poor made them forget what good upbringing they had. My sister's catching up with them, too, biting on forks, keeping her hands under the table and slouching when she's having dinner in a restaurant. We were taught better. I'm a little scared that I'll get there too and forget my manners as well as the right way to behave. It does say a lot about a person and I'd hate to come across as rude, cheap, or as one having bad manners because I judge on people who are like that and I'd hate myself for it. I really do believe that manners shouldn't depend on whether or not you have money, they don't cost any money, after all. You are not excused to forget them just because there's no money anymore because there sure as hell won't be many chances for you to improve your situation if you just embarrass yourself in front of people who know better.

Right now, it tells me my parents gave up completely. They are now officially leeches and won't stand a chance if they tried to get jobs they feel they deserve. And that's if they were even looking for jobs, which they aren't. They're too comfortable knowing my aunt and uncle let them stay in this house for a lot less money than they'd be paying elsewhere, my uncle gives my dad money for not really working all that much and me earning some money to get them out of trouble. What's worse, now they know they won't have to pay for my education and they count on me sending them money once I get a job, which shouldn't be much later than a couple of years from now.

They truly are leeches and no longer deserve any of the things they get because they spend money freely in things we don't actually need (like prosciutto for sandwiches when they're not paying for the watchmen in the neighbourhood, or a pasta machine my mum wants) refusing to buy, if not expensive at least thoughtful, gifts for the people who help us out. Seriously. We didn't get anything for my uncle or aunts last christmas. They figure that because my uncle has so much money already, he doesn't need the gift. And they're right, but that's beside the point! They're helping us out and basically letting us live off of them.

They deserve the best gifts we can get them and me baking fructose cookies for my uncle just doesn't cut it. I'm still planning to send my mum and my aunt MT out for lunch downtown when I have enough credit in my credit card and after I've taken my little one to the vet. I'm sorry I haven't finished knitting my aunt A's scarf but I really don't have time for that. I'll have it ready when we're on holiday and I'll send it over with whomever goes to Tmp. As for my uncle... well, I can only keep cooking and I'll try to get a nice basket and get it full of as many home made goodies as I can. My parents really won't spend money on a good gift, it's outrageous.

I really don't think I'm in the wrong here because if I were people wouldn't appreaciate a thoughtful gift and AOB (however rare an example) is proof of the fact that some people do. Nice people don't deserve to be treated that way, I don't care how much trouble and work my parents think they put up with. That's no excuse.

Saturday, 18 September 2010

Don't feel like working

I really should be reading about polytopes, or statistics, or trying to get my MATLAB algorithm to work (I even opened MATLAB), but I just don't feel like working. I've got some oldies to listen to and I just imagine myself in a 1950s living room at night, lit up by lamps. I imagine the dark shown behind the curtains, the old pieces of furniture, the smell of wood and drinks, old-fashioned perfume. (I wish they hadn't thrown away my grandmother's perfume collection...) For a bit, I wish for that life: middle age in the middle of the last century, possibly in a dinner party à la Mrs. Dalloway. It brings a sense of calm unlike anything I know of, and I just long for a warm traditional dinner in a not-so-well lit room with a vinyl playing in the background. Somehow, it feels like this scene would require nothing of me. I wouldn't have work to hand in, I wouldn't have to know anything in particular (besides, perhaps, the stories told in a several books right now I have no time to read). The scene represents, I think, casual but thoughtful conversation. I even daresay it stands for a sense of achievement, though I can't quite explain it. I would even put up with the make up, uncomfortable clothes and high heels, you know? That's how comfortable I'd be. I like to just imagine that... gazing at the fireplace from a couch, plenty of brass figures and intricate miniatures, as well as flowers and a patterned wallpaper.

Friday, 17 September 2010

No surprise, surprise!

Srq cancelled today's session to work on the assignment. I asked if we were going to work on it. At first he said yes and asked what class I had next (statistics). He then said he hadn't really given it much thought, so I suggested we work at least on the algorithms (which would've been fairly quick, I think...) but he said no. I didn't push it and was contented to get to eat lunch here (and not get wet, it was dark with clouds). I chuckled when I realised it's exactly what I thought would happen, very much in the way it would've gone with R1.

You know what was a bit of a surprise, though? AOB called around 1pm, said he was downtown. I quickly said (I don't know why I was in such a hurry, or why it flustered me that he called) I was on my way home and after saying "see ya" or "talk to you later" I just hung up. Not exactly polite. I know. I think a little paranoia took over, with it being love and friendship weekend and all... Maybe he'll just blame it on people in the bus? Nah, still rude... I'll leave him an IM, tell him Mario Party marathon will be on next Saturday if he and his friends can make it.

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Diary entry

Crap literature, here I come, I haven't read it (and I don't suppose I intend to, really), but I'm pretty sure this is nothing like Anne Frank's diary.

I just felt like writing today, though. First because I'm now sitting in a bench waaaay up high in university, beyond the (once) hat shop, in what I can only describe as a little bit of tropical wood left in the middle of campus. It's lovely, and it will get better once the people from the restaurant are done with lunch and it quiets down a bit. I couldn't make it to Jazz al Parque, and you know what? They brought a jazz group to university... A good one, too, not that I would know much, though. It's been a nice day, overall. It's sunny, I got my arms burnt from having lunch out in the sun, and now I'm in the cool shadow by a tree. They've got a sort of play performance (something related to the independence, I'm sure) with a very loud drum, but I'm doing good with headphones and my cousin's music.

I might've screwed up in today's logic exam, I hope it won't be too bad. I got a 3.8 in numerical analysis, which is good, even if you consider she helped us out a lot. I talked to Srq about getting together on Friday to work on discrete geometry and there are a few things to point out there: one is that we'd discussed it on Monday and I'd said we probably shouldn't stay as long as we did last time. The thing is, both yesterday as we talked on our way out of university and on Friday, we got carried away in the conversations and stayed even after I said I should probably get going. That's a nice thing, I think, because it's an indicator (if nothing else is) that he likes to talk to me, and that's a bonus because I really like talking to him too.

He might've hinted at the fact that we probably won't (or shouldn't) take so long on Friday (or that he might not even make it) saying the first two questions in this homework assignment don't look too hard. I hadn't really figured it out in full, but I'm pretty sure this Friday will be love and friendship day and there's the 99.999% chance that I'm right about him having a girlfriend, so he'll have plenty better to do than stay in university with me, discussing languages, polytopes, physics, food and black holes or whatever. So, you know, there's that. But I'm all good, really. I would totally understand (and chuckle, because it's the sort of thing R1 would do) if he didn't make it on Friday. Then I'd be in a fit, trying to make ends meet to get this homework assignment to be any more correct than last time's. And to study for the statistics exam. And to work on topology exercises. And so many other things, because I'm pretty sure my aunt A leaves next week and there's a family reunion I'm not aware of yet.

So... here's some more hoping that we do change brit for brit regarding abstract algebra professor if we do change at all (because I'd be so screwed if it stops being this easy...). Here's hoping that everything works out fine when I go to Tmp and that I become a master statistician so I get a job sometime before I have to leave. Here's hoping I can make it through this semester without failing or dropping any subjects. Here's hoping that I get to talk to Srq as often as possible, for as long as possible. I'll miss that once he graduates (which would be sometime in December, I believe). I... nah, I don't think I'll miss AOB all that much. I mean, I will probably wish we could meet and talk in person, but if he manages to get online a couple of times for an hour or so I'll be good. We'll get to talk, joke, and throw nonsense at each other for a while and that's always a nice thing to do.

I'm not sure about my discrete geometry project just yet. I think I should probably start to look into ways human body parts can be modeled as polytopes (which I don't actually think is possible), but hey, they say biomedical engineering is about just everything, which also goes for polytopes, so there had better be an overlap somewhere. I should probably try to walk over to the maths department tomorrow and try to find Federico while I can talk to him in person. I'm pretty sure I'll make an ass of myself, but I'm also confident that I'm an ass anyway and it won't be too bad if I show it momentarily.

As for 2... well, I have a new nerd wonder to be amused by, and I now know he's a compulsive liar so... yeah, talking to him will be fine if we talk today but I can't say I've grown as (quickly) fond of him as I did Srq. Then again, Srq had to his advantage that in every way possible I treat him like I would R1 and feel as comfortable around him as I do around R1. I really am sorry I never became better friends with R1... I'm sorry for a number of things that went wrong there (that I made wrong), but I'm sure I've written about those earlier. Before my computer runs out of batteries I think I'm gonna try and post a couple of word docs I remember writing when I didn't have an internet connection. So long, then.

[found it! edit:]
I moved to the library. I hadn't come in a while, I don't really like it here, but I needed someplace quiet with a light socket and I didn't feel like climbing so... Two things, the first of them being that I noticed that in the restaurant uphill my now logic and abstract algebra professors were having lunch with who I'd hope will be my next abstract algebra professor. I'll be a very happy young woman if it happens, I always smile to myself when I see him. He's that peculiar. I also ran into R1 as I walked here.

That was nice, it's been a very long time since we last met or talked. We didn't really talk long, except he asked if I'd talked to L to go out or something and I mentioned how she's been saying we have to go out together for about a year. She insists that we get together and cook, of all things, sushi. Of all places, in Chía. No way. Besides, every time she says she's got it all figured out she ends up with nothing. I never really expect anything from such conversations but I wish she wouldn't insist on them so if she knows beforehand none of her plans are actually going to take place. I suppose I'll let it slip from R1, though, because I'm sort of used to it, because it's him, and because I'm pretty sure he didn't realise he'll have other things to do this weekend (and most other weekends, I gather).

Oh yeah... I don't remember when exactly, but it can't have been that long ago. I had a dream that involved the guy who reads Les Mis in French. He's a mathematician (in progress). In my dream he was picking out a book from The Jungle Book which, in my dream, was written in at least 6 volumes and was originally in French. I'd have to check, but I'm pretty sure the original language is English...

Monday, 13 September 2010

I'm blaming Criminal Minds and Hannibal for this one

I had a very macabre dream last night. I remembered, by the by, that I'd had a dream sometime in the last couple of nights where I saw my mum's dad, only he looked nothing like he did in picutres I've seen of him. In last night's dream there was an old man who was related to me, I think, or the dream's main character (who was a man). I'm not sure whether I was ever that man or not. It was weird either way. The old man was something of a mixture between the guy in Hannibal who cut off his face and fed it to dogs and the Fisher King. He had some other guy kidnap men and keep them hostage. I can only assume he killed them after torturing them. The odd thing is, the guy who did the kidnapping was kind enough to let the guy he was keeping hostage sleep with him. The hostage was supposed to stay in a cell, but as soon as the wicked old man went to sleep the kidnapper called the hostage and asked him if he wouldn't rather stay (as usual, which is weird) with him. I even considered there might've been some homoerotic thing going on there, at least on the kidnapper's side. I can't say I actually remember any of it, but I'm sure the dream was very graphic with the torture/blood/gore, because I woke up at 3am and I was both scared and a little hurt all over (but I'll blame that last bit on the cramps, just like I'll blame last night's last post on my period).

Sunday, 12 September 2010

On the side

EBF started a conversation about the film Inception as I wrote the earlier post. I thought I'd better not write about it, make a big deal about talking to EBF, but then again, maybe I will. The thing is, I would've normally taken the time... let me cut that sentence for a second. There's no such thing as "normally" anymore and it would probably be better to phrase it as "about 4 years ago". About 4 years ago, I would've wanted to tell him about going to Tmp and about giving AOB the book. I want to talk about those things with someone.

I told A, and I told AOB (it's very sweet of him to say he'll miss me already), but we didn't really talk about it. I also want to talk about the way I make my gifts, and how I believe you should always make thoughtful gifts if you're making them at all. You should put thought into whether or not the person receiving the gift will actually like it. I wonder why so many people take for granted that you're bound to like something at some store or other and give you the money, or worse, give you something useless. I wanted to tell someone that AOB will miss me. I don't suppose EBF misses me though, so... yeah, that wouldn't have been a good idea. Still breaks a scab, that does.

As much as I want to talk, though, I won't be starting conversations. I just won't. I'll expect too much from them and then be disappointed. I miss conversations we no longer have because they can't be had, for whatever reason. I'm quite done being aware of this, so there's no reason to want anything from EBF. I don't even want to consider telling him about going to Tmp. I mean I'd like to have that conversation, but I know it's not really "there" to be had, so I can't expect anything from it. I don't want to tell him I'm leaving because I don't want to read evidence of how little he cares, I don't want to know how little he'll miss me, I think I already know he doesn't miss me being halfway round the world from him. I wouldn't figure he misses any conversations. There's no evidence of it.

Actually, even today's conversation about Inception wasn't all that great. Normally, a review of a film or a book would be exciting, it would bring forth new ideas and "tickle the mind". This one was a huge "meh". It had, I suppose, the main components. He holds a position, I hold another and we try to talk each other into a different point of view. But it lacked spirit. It wasn't that odd for him to think my position inferior and just consider my arguments invalid (like when we talked about killing bulls for fun, as if wearing fancy clothes made it any less wrong). However, even then there was some spirit in the way ideas were told, understood and respected.

I'm inclined to think he found my argument a little stupid, and I'll agree his idea wasn't bad, only I really don't think it would work to both know you're creating a dream and buy the dream for reality. It's a nice idea, I just don't buy it. Anyway, this conversation was bland, insipid, almost boring. That's what conversations are now, even when they resemble the other conversations in form, they lack the actual content and the feelings in them. I can only imagine that come the time when he gets back, he'll find I'm no longer in the country if he asks AOB. He doesn't have many other ways of knowing. I really don't think he'll call or tell me to meet him "now he's here" because he simply didn't while he was here, you know? Nothing's gonna change for the better while he's away, and nothing should make him want to meet me. If he decides to go out and tell me over messenger, it would probably be out of that weird sense of "duty", and only if we'd been talking enough, which just won't happen.

I wanna talk to AOB about how much I miss EBF, you know? I just don't want him to see me crying over such stupid things, so when he asks about EBF I just make a brief summary of whatever the last conversation was and leave it at that. I gather he knows better than to ask more if I'm unwilling to tell more. I think I've made it clear that EBF and I are no longer friends like we used to, I just don't go letting it show that it hurts and I miss him.

I'm like a crazy person, I think. Only I don't talk to myself (out loud), I write to myself. Maybe, when I'm not aware, I'll start writing back. I'm like that guy in Happy go Lucky. Y'know?

Fair

Just got back from AOB's friend's house. AOB called yesterday around 2pm and asked if I wanted to have lunch with him and his friends, that his costeño friend was cooking. I said yes. Now, I should probably add right now that I'd already talked to A earlier about going to Jazz al parque and I'd refused because I had (still have, actually, I just sort of gave up on it) loads of work to get done. What's worse, A, her cousin and her parents came over for a BBQ lunch my parents organised. To be honest, though, I didn't know she'd be coming until about 11am this morning when I was about to leave, and I figured I could probably still make it to Jazz al parque with AOB.

I had fun today at AOB's friend's house. There were about 10 of us there today. We played Mario Kart for Wii, we played cards, talked and laughed. I laughed so much my cheeks hurt a little. It's supposed to be a good thing, right? The food was great, the meat was so soft it melted in your mouth and we had costeño food like yuca con suero, which was wonderful. One of AOB's friends even said, as we said goodbye, that I had to come back or go out with them again sometime. Social skills points for me. Also, after dropping me off, AOB called.

Also, he seemed a little down, and said he was very sad about one thing, which he didn't mention and I didn't ask about. He wants to break out of a shell, consider options outside of medicine and even start a strike among med students who won't take the system imposed on them to do their work with a very time consuming method.

I told him he deserved a good gift because he is, after all, a good guy. I'm a little surprised no one had bothered before, and it's silly because I just took note of how last time we talked he mentioned his girlfriend having bought a terribly long and complicted novel, when he would've been much more interested in reading El Aleph.

There's a little paranoia in all this, for a few reasons. The first being that I think I might've come across as AOB's girlfriend in today's meeting. All except for other two people seemed to have something going on and I do wonder if AOB though of bringing me along being the only girl he could ask (or that's what I gather). A little paranoia too, goes for the fact that he almost said something else (possibly cornier than what he'd already said) and then decided not to, over the phone. A little unrelated worry is that when we were playing cards I think a little too much of my cleavage was shown at one point. I just hope everyone was too engaged in the game to bother noticing. The last bit of paranoia goes because at one point AOB sounded a bit too much like D, trying to give a certain meaning to things he wasn't actually saying. Suffice it to say I was uncomfortable long before the 12min the call took were over.

Because I don't feel like structuring this post in any logical way, I'd like to highlight what I think was a fairly bright comment that made one of AOB's friends laugh out loud for a while: when they asked if anyone was ever mean to him, I said people who drive were mean to AOB because he's such a nice guy.

Also, regarding what's "fair" up in the title, AOB and I were talking in the car about whether or not it was fair that his friend keep the ice cream I bought for dessert. I'd paid for it, after all. I said you could think of it that way, but also there was the fact that it was proper etiquette because he was the host and I was just a guest. Also, I explained it made sense to let him keep the ice cream because I didn't pay for anything (mostly because AOB told me not to and wouldn't let him) and because, as the host, he did have all the cooking, cleaning and organising to do (or pay for) so it was only fair. Giving AOB the books was only fair, I think. I've come to consider him a friend, if not a particularly good one, and I do think he's a great person, so he deserves good things. I'm sorry he doesn't get them more often.

I wish I could help him find a girlfriend. I hope he's not considering me for his girlfriend. I do understand that my gift could come across as being a bit too much, but we'd already talked about how I don't believe in thoughtless gifts if you knew the person you were giving the gift to well enough. I have to think of a good gift for A come Christmas, I didn't actually get her anything for her birthday... Either way, my point was, I like to give good gifts. I don't ever expect good gifts in return, though. It was a little weird with EBF, I guess, because I got him The Sandman, the book of Van Gogh paintings and the other one that was closest to a book he'd been looking for for a very long time. They were thoughtful gifts, and he thought I was trying to one-up him when he gave me House of Leaves, the box of Godiva chocolates or bought me dinner.

It's odd, I can't actually remember anything else he gave me, and the first two weren't exactly birthday gifts. I suppose I've never gotten particularly good, thoughtful gifts... EBF mentioned once that buying me tickets to Cirque du Soleil would be a great way to win me over, and that buying me any spa treatments would probably result in stressing me rather than relaxing me, with all the people touching me. It's funny how he knew that before I did, I'd never actually considered it. I wonder if I'm that hard to figure out. AOB said he felt a little bad about just having given me the scarf, and I tried to explain it was quite a lot, considering he managed to get me something I actually liked.

EBF did say that sending the book all the way to the US was a little bit too much, though it was initially intended to be a 3-man effort with AOB and Vc. I'm not really trying to excuse myself. A good gift is a good gift and none of them were particularly expensive. I like giving good gifts. Is that somehow wrong or morally inadmissible? I don't care about a lot of people, which translates to caring a lot about very few, and those few (as far as I'm concerned) deserve the best I can do, if not in the way of expensive gifts, in the way of good ones. I suppose it makes sense that others don't think that way. Others care about more people, others don't understand a thoughtful gift, others don't care so much about so few.

Saturday, 11 September 2010

Twisted

I had several dreams last night. In one, I was out in the sea, in an aquarium where they only kept sharks (I remember hammerheads), rays and related animals. Don't remember much of what went on there, but I do remember having to explain to someone else that this wasn't a regular aquarium and you couldn't find *whatever other animal*.

In another, my dad was putting a tampon in me. Very disturbing. I'd asked him to, apparently. But there are a LOT of things wrong with that, so let's move on.

In another dream, I re-lived the discrete geometry class from Friday, only at the end of the class Srq asked the professor something related to how much spare time he'd be having. The professor asked if he still had a girlfriend and he said yes. I thought A-ha! to myself for having guessed correctly. At any rate, the professor said having a girlfriend wasn't a good idea, as it wouldn't be easy to organise time correctly.

Also related to polytopes, but in another dream, I had a dream in 2D where I was in a jungle of sorts. There was an underground water tunnel and there were odd shark-primate creatures there with screens on their sides which showed a world in 3D. They were transformrs, sort of, I think... Very weird. It was a mixture of discrete geometry, Flatland and my childhood memories, all in one.

Friday, 10 September 2010

Too much

pI might've sort of said a few stupid things talking to Srq today. I find conversations with him really cool, much like with R1 (no wonder, at least for me). Today we started talking about languages. Not for very long, but it's nice how he seemed to want to continue the conversation and be late for class rather than go in. I said we should go in, the professor was already there. Maybe if I don't sleep at all this weekend I'll have time to study (so I don't fail the logic and abstract algebra tests), to work on the statistics homework, to work on topology exercises and think about the exercises in the second homework for discrete geometry.

A small note on discrete geometry. Today the professor would be giving the lecture here in Bta, so I stayed the extra 4 hours to go to class. The usual classroom had been changed for a new one about a week ago, so I set camp near the second one. To my surprise, when I went there I found the door was locked and there was no one there to be found. I checked my e-mail several times while I looked in all classrooms of the building, to see if I'd gotten the number wrong. I even asked a security guard if he'd seen people looking lost, which he hadn't.

After 30min of walking around from classroom to classroom, and even walking by the department (where I found shutters closed and couldn't see the secretary through them) I asked the security guards at an entrance if they could call the department, to see if anyone would pick up. The guy who works there did, and let me know the class had started about 15min ago in the second floor of the maths building. I was late, of course, and found most others had made it there earlier than myself. I felt left out, like I had to belong to the group of people who hang out at the basement to know where the class was. What's worse, for some reason my cellphone won't make any calls to people from different companies (even though it actually should), so I couldn't call Srq to ask him. The nice watchman from before even said he would've lent me his phone if he had any minutes.

Also, when I got there, I had to sit behind one of the smarter guys. He smelled acrid, and his hair was just filthy. I hated mathematicians a bit when the guy behind me started chewing gum with his mouth open and the smelly guy put his disgusting hair in the way of my (very limited, it was a small classroom) view.

Back to Srq though... I suppose I'm a little upset I say stuff I probably shouldn't have, but then again, it's a good thing I don't care too much. It takes a lot of the pressure off. It's good that I like him, but not too much. I'm glad he looks for me and starts conversations, it's really nice talking to him. I can (and sort of have) considered that he'd make a great bf for me, but not all that much if I'm leaving in less than a year and he's already got a girlfriend. So, I'll be more than happy to just chat with him whenever possible, and if anything be there to hang out at whatever level some other guy would be, which is to say, I don't suppose he considers anything. I get not to care too much about anything I do or don't do, and it makes me happy to know there's no pressure on me to "perform" up to any standards. Things are what they are and as I don't expect anything to happen, I don't mind blowing my chances.

For instance, I might've seen rude last time, when he started to bend over to kiss me goodbye and I just waved and walked away. It could be considered rude... I suppose it won't matter much because we're not that close. And if we grow close enough, he'll know and understand physical contact of any kind with other people makes me uncomfortable and I'll skip over it if I can. I still can't believe my luck, though, meeting two guys as great as R1 and Srq, each so much like the other. I do hope I get to meet more. I love the conversations.

I had the oddest dream this morning. I dreamed that I was whoever plays Grace Adler in Will & Grace and I had a daughter I was walking around. She had red hair and was wearing pink clothes. As we walked in the sunlit afternoon, I noticed she was a little too red, and then that she had a fever. My mum was with me and we decided to stop by A's place see if we could get some cool water to put her in. A had a green cat and a black dog, but wasn't home. The lady who works at her house, and some other lady supposed to be working there were there. It's odd how, when I lifted the baby up to show it to one of the ladies, it was actually my little one, the dog, and she looked at me so strangely. I realise only now that it was sort of like that bit in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland where the baby she's carrying, the Duchess' son, turns into a pig.

Thursday, 9 September 2010

No sleep

I haven't had much sleep today so maybe I imagined it, but I thought I heard "Highway Blues" sound when I was in numerical analysis class. It's been stuck in my head since.

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

So tired...

I have slept next to nothing these days and now I'm just permanently tired and behind schedule for everything, which sucks all round. I was so tired I even had a dream in the hour or so I set apart to sleep before I left for university. I was with several people at a theatre, admiring a painting of a party in a court. The odd thing is, I knew it was a painting and yet I could see the people's faces and manners change, so much I could piece together a story and even animated motion to go with it, of what was going on. I was very surprised to realise it was still just a painting. In another dream, or possibly the same one, I was in the kitchen of a very competitive woman. I wanted to do a strawberry sherbet but she'd hidden a lot of the pans and was resilient to lend them to me. She did have a lot of interesting kitchen gadgets, though. My dad was there, for whatever reason.

Monday, 6 September 2010

How about it? Blame it on hormones?

As we left the topology class, Srq and I walked out together as I asked who I should talk to about studying in Tmp and he suggested we study for tomorrow's partial exam with other people from maths in the basement. Except for the true douchebags, people from maths are so nice! There's the girl who offered to study statistics with me and didn't, who was awfully nice asking about the topology exam in class this morning, but also in the basement everyone was very nice. I don't know if it's because I'm amazed that anyone would be nice to me in the first place, but I'm so inmensely glad that they are. Being around people who're nice for no apparent reason really makes my day.

I don't know if I should mention a partly out of line comment I made today. Srq walked out as I said it was getting late to leave and just before we parted ways I said my mum would probably be out waiting for me with a shotgun or something. That probably needed background: I meant to say, she's paranoid (and so I am, actually) about the growing number of thieves (not to mention the usual thieves) in the street I have to cross at night. I meant nothing along the lines of any sort of involvement between him and me. I'll try to make a joke out of it tomorrow to make it clear, just in case there's any awkward to dismiss there.

He's really a very nice guy, and I really do enjoy hanging out with him, walking with him and talking to him. It's very pleasant. I'm just pretty sure he has a girl already (frankly, even if he's not that good looking, how could he not?) and I'm not really into him, girl or not. If anything, the big sweater policy should avoid any double entendre. I suppose if I wanted anyone to notice I wouldn't care about the one rude guy staring.

Oh, and topology? I totally failed that exam, which goes for most of the class. The highest grade was a 3.4 and Srq got a 2.0. It's really terrible. The professor looked worried, sad and disappointed in all of us. I really do have to work so much harder for the next exam. I don't care about the statistics exam (1.5), partly because it's easier to raise that grade and also because I'm not particularly sorry to disappoint the one professor, or to disappoint myself by not knowing stuff I didn't really study. I do have to study for the next exam, though, and find time to work on the exercises.

Right now, I should be looking at exercises for tomorrow's logic class and reviewing for numerical analysis. I'll try to make time before I fall asleep to check my algorithm one last time and write, if only by hand, the proof to what's missing in my discrete geometry homework (right now, I deserve a 1.4, at most).

In case you're wondering, I don't know if I should blame the "sentimentality", so to speak, on hormones. I feel a little motherly, which is really odd in me.

Sunday, 5 September 2010

Blog worthy

This is big, pretty big, actually. My aunt A and my uncle are offering to pay for my studies if I'll go to Tmp and stay with them. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly thankful, but I'd really like to get my degree from Universidad de los Andes. I don't know USF and even if it's a good university I wouldn't be as proud to get my degree there. If everything works out, I'll either find a way to graduate an uniandina from Tmp, or else finish my studies here and take them up on their (I gotta say, awesome) offer for a masters degree.

They figure I'd do great in just about anything I set my mind to, and that I'd be better off in something related to engineering in a very specific area, something like the biomedical engineering my cousin does. Apparently, no one else does it and it's a job that pays well, so it's worth giving it (or other rare careers) a shot. They're even offering to give me part time jobs either at my cousin's company or with my uncle. It's a very sweet deal. It's a very big deal.

First thing whenever I have the time I'll be asking what the arrangements that must be done in university are. My aunt is in a bit of a hurry, so she wants me to be in Tmp by fall next year, but I'm not 100% sure that's feasible. We'll have to see if something can be arranged. Hopefully there will be something I can do, after all I should be about done with classes next semester. Also, I'd better not fail or drop any subjects on this one. For that effect, I'd better start reading for topology and working on the LaTeX version of my discrete geometry homework.

Saturday, 4 September 2010

A lucid dream in a dream

I'm not too sure I remember my dreams from last night, except that they involved Scam winning some trip to a tropical island for some of his friends in a maths contest. The funny thing is, I had a lucid dream inside another dream. I noticed I was floating in one dream and tried to call myself on it to realise the dream was lucid, but when I did I "woke up" and I couldn't go on being in that dream because there were voices around me keeping me awake. I think it was guys from maths who were talking. The thing is, I wasn't awake and that was a dream too but I couldn't realise it. So weird.

Friday, 3 September 2010

So cool

I stayed with Srq in the afternoon to work on the discrete geometry homework. I had so much fun talking to him. Aside from the fact that he's smarter (so I benefit from hearing his point of view) but not waaay smarter (so I'm not completely useless, I hope), the conversation flowed very nicely from one nerdy subject to the other and it was really very pleasant. I left with a smile on my face. Don't misunderstand, it's no crush or anything like that. Partly, I'm very happy to find I don't expect anything from anyone (not Srq, 2, or EBF), I like the fact that it can go so well as pure "hanging out" and I really do enjoy conversations. I don't believe anything is to be expected from a good conversation, things just flow naturally and words, ideas, chuckles and smiles go naturally both ways. Ideally, I suppose, that's what friends should be for. I don't exactly have friends so it's nice to have the conversations anyway.

Oh yeah, also very cool? The fact that we had a few polytope related Rue Morgue moments, thinking of the same cube + pyramid polytope that looks a bit like a house (then again, that's probably induced, as it's the one in the forum and it's weirder than the square + triangle one).

I remembered I should probably add that EBF and I chatted for a while during "lunch break". He mentioned having broken up with N2 about 2 months ago. I think that checks out with something I had a dream about, but I can't be bothered to look so I'm just recording this here

Few things

First, I had a dream where I was going to meet with Srq. I was already leaving because it was pouring outside and didn't have a mind to stay, but I turned back to talk to him, see if we were going to work after all. He agreed it wasn't a good idea to stay with the rain so he left. That was that.

On another note, EBF sent a message, about 2 hours after I'd decided to appear offline... Something regarding the last thing I said, I sent a list of creepy twilight merchandise and he said it was great, or something like that... right... I don't even care at this point, and I'm not sure that's a good thing.

Thursday, 2 September 2010

Speak of the devil...

EBF wrote three lines telling me to listen to two songs by some myspace band called this blue heaven. I think the first (bliss) which was kind of Mika-ey was nice, the other one was very him. I'm not exactly crazy about either. My internet connection was lost right as he sent the message, so I answered saying he ruined my internet, a message which bounced back and I resent (along with the error message) saying he'd ruined my messenger too. That I'd liked the first song and that I couldn't help imagining it being sung by Mika. It's what I do, I guess. I twist things and imagine them in a way that's a little wrong and very wrong if I'm supposed to understand them differently. If I was supposed to like the songs, relating them to Mika (however unspeakably awesome he may be) wasn't the right thing to do. Then again, I figure talking to me wasn't particularly bright of him either. Serves him well, I guess. I have to read about polytopes, see if I care.

This. Imagine it being sung by Mika. Could be sliiightly awesomer. (Yes it does get a bit better than this. Sorry.)

Like a little girl (he can't ask for this)

Wrote this during today's logic class (I was that bored, plus, the professor couldn't ask for me to hand in the piece of paper much like they would in school, I was, after all taking note of what he said too... only I didn't do all three at once).

I was 15min early for Pentagono today. The guy who opened the door was 30min late. What a waste of time. Something was off, though. As I sat waiting some guy (a student, engineer if I had to guess) walked by with a long (1.5-2.0m) metal pole. He hit me on the head with it and didn't even notice or bother to say sorry until I noticed I'd dropped my book and said "Ouch!" out loud. He asked if he'd hit me and, without really meaning it (he was holding back laughter, actually) said he was sorry.

He didn't really hit me that hard. At worst he stunned me enough to drop the book. That's why I felt so weird when the urge to cry took over me. I could tell I wasn't hurt. I don't even think I'll be sore later, I just wanted to cry. The best I could do was guess that I'm overly sensitive to the fact that he didin't care if he'd hurt me. It made me remember the time when I was a little girl and some girl from school I lived next to invited me over. Her grandmother/aunt came to take her out ofr ice cream. However, they had to drop me off first because God forbid they spend money on me. They referred to me as "little girl", which I'll admit isn't particularly rude, but felt very despective. I was old enough to realise it was rude of them not to offer to buy me ice cream, or at least wait until I left to take the other girl out. I know my parents would have done exactly that in a similar situation. It's the "right thing to do", right?

The reason it's wrong, I gather, is because if you can (and by all means I'm sure they could), you should invite your daughter/granddaughter/niece's friend out for ice cream or at least ask if she'd like some (and frankly, what 6 year old would refuse?). They should've cared about me feeling left out, they should've known it could be wrong to be excluded from arrangements I was told about and had (good?) reason to believe I was a part of. They didn't care about my feelings.

What happened today made me feel the exact same way So, that's the way to hurt me, it seems. In a nutshell: give me good reason to believe you care about my feelings and disappoint me by pretending I have none or hurting them anyway. That's how D hurt me. That's how EBF hurt me. Micro epiphany: I expect too much from people. Even a bare minimum seems to be too much among people I think I'm close to.

I mean, I don't care if the guy who sits next to me on the bus is rude to me, I have no reason to expect him to be nice or even care about how uncomfortable I am. However, I do get to expect the guy who goes to the same university as me (which should be, if anything, an indicator of education) and hits me on the head with a metal pole to be sorry. I won't go on, I think I've made myself clear and it would be nothing more than a rant I have no time to continue if I'm ever to get anything done for the discrete geometry assignment.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Tiny little note

Srq is so much like R1... the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he behaves, his manners... very funny, but even more cool. We didn't work today. Maybe on Friday.

I read this CRACKED.com article that mentioned ways your brain tricks you, and how you're more likely to remember things as they seem more logical and not necessarily as they actually happened. They had a picture of Tiananmen Square, only full of people. You're supposed to think it's more likely that way. The thing is, I've had System of a Down's lyrics in my head all day today. I couldn't remember the actual tune, and even got the initial lyrics wrong... I kept thinking "have you heard the screams in Tiananment Square?" and it turns out it's actually "have you asked the kids at Tiananmen Square: was fashion the reason why they were there?". Anyway, so much for recent soundtracks.

Too tired

I meant to write the first half of this yesterday, but I started reading about graphs and I fell asleep. I'm choosing not to do any of the 6 hours I owe Pentagono today in order to read and work on the polytopes we were assigned.

CtW talked about boyfriends today. I was tempted to, but I said nothing. She knows nothing and she need know nothing. What was I supposed to say? I sort of had a boyfriend? Two years apart? We were together for less than 2 months altogether? Nonsense. What's worse, she might've started thinking of setting me up or something.

I noticed there's another guy I don't like in abstract algebra. Besides the tacky earring guy (who was wearing a "long and thick load" t-shirt which speaks for itself) there's this guy who looks like your typical CM nerd seriak killer. I can only guess he must've gotten picked on so bad in school he got it into his head that liking girls was wrong and does it in secret, which must've led to some very elaborate fantasies. During class, he kept looking back at me, and to judge on the way he kept going back to his piece of paper, I daresay he was making a picture (to masturbate furiously to later?). I'd look back at him and make him feel ashamed of himself but he's not 100% good in his head and I'd hate to be a trigger for that kind of trouble.

As for 2, we talked after class. Nothing too important, only he said another silly lie. First he said he'd dropped out of abstract algebra last semester in the first classes, though I know I'd asked if we could study together for the first partial exam. Then he said he had dropped out of statitics and stayed in a CBU class because he couldn't use all his credits, but he kept going to class. Today he said he didn't go to the statistics exam (which I think it's safe to say I failed) and that he was planning to drop the subject, but I know he was there because I even considered asking him how he'd done right after I left. He's definitely not right in his head either. I'm a little curious about the sort of thing that would make anyone a compulsive liar like that.

As for last night's dream, it was my cousin's wedding again, only this time the party would go on for days and I helped carry stuff around. I tasted the cakes, all of which tasted terrible but this time there was one that was green inside, imbibed with paint, and tasted like paint. When my cousin went to sleep next to her now husband she tried waking him, she seemed to submissive and willing to please it was a little weird in her. Her younger sister came later and fell asleep on the same bed, and the guy who plays Hodges on CSI licked and sucked her toes. Kind of sick.

As I carried something to my cousin, who was in a bathroom somewhere, I floated there and kind of gloated about it. That's when I realised I was dreaming and tried to take advantage. I wanted to make out with D so bad. I think I lost control over that dream, though. I could only just get us to be in an apartment the girl who first introduced me to him was supposed to live, only it had a fireplace. We sat on a sofa by the fire, but I can't remember more than his face, and even now that's hard to remember. I need to get the hang of these lucid dreams.