## Monday, 30 August 2010

### Cockatoo

First last night's dream, or the little left from it: I know I had a dream inside a dream, because I remembered to tell A about a dream I had in the second level. All I remember, though, is being in class and having to do a presentation I didn't prepare all too well, only the teacher left and next thing I know the screen that was being used to show the presentations was now playing a cartoonish 3D version of Star Trek (or what little I think I remember from it). It was supposed to be an original version, one in alien language. So weird.

As for my day today, well, I think I failed the topology exam, however much I studied. I have to say, though, that I left with a smile on my face. I think the boys waited for me to finish before they left, which was unbelievably sweet of them. I talked to some of them as I left, mostly about the exam. I happened to talk to the one who's in the discrete geometry class too, and we arranged to work on the homework assigment together on Wednesday. Social skills points to me. I was a cockatoo at a zoo.

I'm about to get sheldonish now, so you're being warned. I think I'm in whatever part of my menstrual cycle makes me uber fertile, I can tell by the subtle changes in my face. I think that's why the boys were so nice to me. But I'm not about to ruin a good thing. I'm still so incredibly overjoyed to be in class with nice people, it really made my day to find they're all so nice.

Oh, and a small paranoid note. I walked out with the guy I agreed to work with, lets call him Srq, and when we parted ways he insisted in a cheek-to-cheek kiss. I suppose he was just being polite, I personally felt a bit weird both because of the kiss and because I was already waving him good-bye. I really have to study for statistics, and try and see what I can get ready from the discrete geometry homework.

Also, a small note on Srq which I happen to think is really cool: he's a nerdier, non-costeño, version of R1 (ok, and taller). Their faces are almost the same, and they have the same "vibe" and personalities, sort of. I even dare say they think alike about a lot of subjects.

I want to make a small weird note. In the bus ride to university, I started hearing a very high-pitched sort of murmur. Looking around, I found the sounds were sinchronised with an old man who muttered under his breath. The odd bit is that no one else seemed to listen, and that the sounds seemed to come from the driver's cabin. It was weird how I could hear it so well and find the sounds to be anything but clear. Either way, I think the man was talking, I just don't know what about. It was weird.

## Sunday, 29 August 2010

### Miami Beach?

I had a dream last night where I knew some rich guy. He was obese (though not morbidly so), about my age (maybe a bit older) and studied in a special university that didn't require him to meet with others or attend regular classes, which I found very strange. Also, he had this property near the sea, and I vaguely remember an office as well as (possibly) a jacuzzi , definitely a pool, and a field with horses. I remember a group of women (3-4 of them) who needed to go someplace and called a cab. They got on, but the traffic was so terrible they decided to leave the cab driver waiting while the traffic got better and agreed to go out for a while longer, only to catch up with the cab when it had moved somewhat along the street.

## Saturday, 28 August 2010

### Just got back from dinner

AOB texted me around noon, asking what I'd be doing this afternoon. Now, I refused to go to the girl from math's birthday (let's give her a name already... how about CtW?). Mostly, because of the manner of invitation, but also I have no time for that. See, she's my facebook friend and apparently created an event for the thing and "invited" me. Only I never got an invite, and I don't check facebook enough to notice birthdays so I didn't know I was supposed to congratulate her. I'll buy her a cupcake or something so I'm "free of guilt" for having used up part of a gift she got in cookies. But that's it. Besides, she lives waaaaay out of town and I'm not about to go out to some barbecue that far away to be among strangers, having no decent mode of transportation, and having so much work to catch up with. So that's that.

But AOB, I never see him or talk to him, and it's always nice, so why not? I called him and he called back later (he didn't pick up, he was with some sick person or other). We agreed on going out for dinner. We had sushi, I had ice cream. He refused to let me buy him a soda or an ice cream. It's funny, I was (am?) like that, and I think offering to buy (even though I didn't have a lot of money) was very EBF-ey of me. Oh well... The conversations were nice. None were particularly fulfilling, but they were all pleasant and we changed subjects constantly, which seems to be usual with him but is cool, even if I lose track of my thoughts.

To feed my paranonia, two things: the first, related to the above, is that AOB sat in the same chair I was in (on one of the chair's arms) and sort of pushed me with his hand, jokingly, for some impersonation or something like that. It was weird, considering we always stay so comfortably away from each other. I half expected him to stand by me while I ate my ice cream. The second is that I can't think of a decent username for the discrete geometry forum, so I'm going with linaThumbe and hoping no one ever googles it and finds this blog. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with "not perfect strangers" reading it, so please get bored and don't read, or understand that you're reading at your peril (I highly doubt anyone wants to know me that way). Either way, for a word of advice there's the "Read first" post if you decide to read. Don't expect to understand anything.

Fun fact, my mum thinks I'm dating AOB, which I understand (sort of) but find very funny. My aunt also assumes when I speak of friends I'm actually talking of guys I'm dating. Why am I so expected to be dating anyone, anyway?

## Friday, 27 August 2010

### Short bio

After freaking out for the 30 seconds or so it took me to read that we're required to send in homework for discrete geometry by Monday, I realised we're only required to send a picture and a short bio. I've still to go through the pictures, but I went through old bios and I had to laugh at some of them. Especially the other girl's, she's such a flirt! Very smart, I'll have to admit, but I'm still a little insulted (not that it matters), at any rate. As for me, I don't know what to write about myself just yet, but maybe I can give it a try here (before I get on to working on topology exercises).

Well, my name isn't too important, but I'm sort of required to say it, if only as a way to introduce myself. So, let's start by that:

Hi, I'm Lina and I'm hoping to graduate as a mathematician in Universidad de los Andes.

No good... let's try again:

Hi, I'm Lina.

Probably too short. But it will have to do, I'd rather be brief than blabber more than I intend to. So, where were we?

My maths interests aren't too clear right now, but so far I've liked applications of abstract algebra, graph theory, and the little I know about topology.

Not terribly well phrased... especially the bit about my interests not being " too clear". How about...?

My main areas of interest in mathematics include applications of abstract algebra, graph theory and the little I know about topology.

Good to go. On to the "more about myself " bit of the bio.

I've been known to enjoy: good conversations, music from the 1920s-1950s, nonsense literature, (finally) solving problems, good movies, cooking, videogames,
philosophy, good books, eating, the occasional comic, nerdy jokes, and learning new languages.

Sounds good... now for closure:

Looking forward to learn as much as I can.

Nope, makes me sound retarded.

Looking at polytopes and hoping they don't start looking back.

Maybe, but it might be a little bit too weird and I need to make sure someone will want to work with me.

Here's hoping that I don't become a polytope.

Nope, stupid joke. Would it be too bad to leave it as is? Let's see...

Hi, I'm Lina. My areas of interest in mathematics include applications of abstract algebra, graph theory and the little I know about topology. When I'm not studying I've been known to enjoy: good conversations, music from the 1920s-1950s, nonsense literature, good movies, cooking, impressionist paintings, videogames, philosophy, good books, eating, classical music, the occasional comic, nerdy jokes, and learning new languages.

None too shabby...yeah, that'll do.

### Mario Party

I had a dream where Mario Party boards were mixed with Kingom Hearts worlds. Pretty awesome, actually. I can only remember one now where all "blue" squares were ghosts, and instead of Bowser players faced Oogie Boogie.

## Thursday, 26 August 2010

### Nerdgasm

To think I almost left early today. Today we were having no abstract algebra class because there was a conference our professor really wanted to go to, so he suggested we all go along with him. I have to admit, reading the title I was discouraged, and the description left me feeling too stupid for it to be worth listening to. I'm glad I went, though, even if it meant I had to take a bus that was racing another, which left me wondering if the bones in my neck suffer much from the violent braking and accelerating.

I'd read the word before but never actually experienced it. I had multiple nerdgasms today, and all in under an hour! Dr. Ben Fairburn talked about Beauville surfaces and how they related to groups. In very general terms, his way of making ugly things less ugly was by limiting the number of elements to consider. I understood precious little from the actual lecture, mostly just general terminology, concepts and definitions.

In case I find it useful later, given I took no notes, I'll just write down what I do rememeber (while I remember it). He started out explaining the complex plane, which is somehow like the real plane, with every point replaced by C². He said that Beauville surfaces were generated by two curves and that they had at most 3 points where the space resembled a z-->z^n function (which is something like a pinched helix). Given this first definition, he said it would be easier to consider Beauville structures. I'm afraid I may be mitaking the definitions here a bit, but I think when quasi simple groups came into the question he only introduced them as being groups such that the quotient group of G/Z(G) was simple. Almost simple groups were given another definition I can't remember right now.

So I think a Beauville structure was one generated by two pairs of elements, a group G = <x1,y1> = <x2,y2> such that x1, y1, and x1y1 weren't conjugate to x2, y2 and x2y2, which loosely translated to the elements having coprime orders, and also such that they all had big orders (there were 3 fractions which had to add up to less than 1, and he mentioned the importance and recurrence of the numbers 2, 3 and 7). He used other people's theorems and conjectures to prove his own, which was that you could find quite a lot of groups that would become Beauville structures without limiting the generators all that much. It turned out to be all but finitely many (A5 and isomorphic groups were discarded) of all finite quasi simple groups where the order of the elements didn't divide the order of the group (this last bit I'm not too sure about but he discarded all cyclic groups of order p where p is prime using a theorem by Cauchy).

None too terribly interesting, right? Now, what if I mentioned the fact that he used images and the text (narrated superbly, for a mathematician) from The Hunting of Snark, several (very British) jokes, and that Dr. Fairburn is actually a British version of 3? I cannot phrase how unbelievably cool that was, other than by using the term "nerdgasm". I loved the way he explained things, how he was quite humble when professors asked questions, how he included a picture of a nearby bar in the closing slides, the fact that he brought donuts to explain a torus, his accent (I have to admit, I chuckled thinking very few would understand him, because he spoke so fast), the fact that he used Lewis Carrol...

I also like the fact that he doesn't seem to be particularly brilliant. I mean, I know he must be very intelligent, but he'll admit he doesn't know all answers instead of having them available and being smug about it. If it makes any sense to have a mathematician as a role model, it would be him. Also, his work is derived from hard work in a specific area, which sounds very "doable". It gave me hope in a future that won't find me stuck in some high school (of if I'm lucky, in university). It really was wonderful. Though I fear he must be a total babe magnet (whatever that may mean in the context of pretty girls who would take the time to know him, like his brains without minding his hair and don't just think he's a dork because they're British), I sort of have a crush on him.

I do hope he stays around. I hope he didn't come all the way here only to give this one speech. He did mention having attended another conference where the orbit stabiliser theorem was used, but I wouldn't know if he'll be staying much longer. I know our current professor will be leaving mid semester and I'm glad we won't be stuck with last semester's for a replacement. But I would be very happy to find Dr. Fairburn will be explaining what's left of the abstract algebra course. It would be so refreshing to be taught by him, especially all the boring Galois theory without actual applications. Here's hoping. If you googled yourself and are now reading this, Ben Fairburn, first I have to chuckle and then congratulate you for a great lecture (even if some of the professors would disagree). I would be honoured to be your student in any future, were I given the chance.

### Three *hundred* posts

I had a dream last night where I talked to MC from school1, she was doing something maths related and kept laughing at all the x and t variables for some reason. Also, her face was painted with green and she only had one half done. She laughed at herself for having only half and also at looking a bit like a frog, or some other green animal. Also in a dream last night, I remember seeing very thin women (models?) who were wearing some balloon swimsuits. There were lots of small balloons filled with water, like scales, and they all moved in the water. It was a cool effect.

I've had "The Lady is a Tramp" in the back of my head all day, as sung by Mark Salling and Amber Reilly.

On Tuesday it was "Carinhoso".

## Wednesday, 25 August 2010

### Just felt like writing

A few things on my mind today... In no particular order, I'll start by mentioning a guy from topology class I don't really talk to (and who actually seems to be friends with the tacky starer, which I won't mention again in this post) offered to let me take a copy of an old topology exam. It was a nice thing for him to do, considering we talk so little, so thanks to him and social skills points to me. I offered the other 3 guys the exam in case they would find any use for it, but only the nicer of the three paid any attention. Kinda felt like crap. Feel a lot like crap considering I spent most of the bus ride trying to solve the first (of 4) exercises for the exam and I still haven't come up with a decent solution.

The nice (possibly gay) guy in Pentagono was there today while I did some of my owed 10 hours. As soon as he saw me coming in he followed me to the table I sat on. I really do like explaining stuff to him. He's very sweet, really. Also, as a fun fact, I'd like to mention that the guy who seemed to admire me (I'm sure I don't deserve it) from last semester, sweet guy too, goes by the nickname "Gota" around the department. I hardly ever hang out around there, I only realised when I went to sign this semester's contract. It's a fairly funny nickname, considering he's not exactly small, but he's such a sweet momma's boy he can get away with it.

Oh yeah, we had the first abstract algebra partial exam yesterday. I think I rocked it. At least I must've scored a 4... I rocked all points 1-4a no prob until I had to prove (by heart, which I couldn't) that the quotient ring of an ideal is a field if and only if the ideal is maximal. Just before the exam 2 asked if I was prepared and whether I'd noticed that the scribd.com link to the solutions manual I'd given him last semester was no good anymore. I told him I've already downloaded the manual in .pdf format and offered to send it to him. I e-mailed it right away before the test and he thanked me.

I figured two things: that he didn't need to send a "thank you" e-mail and that it would sort of be expected. I found one today which said I must've spent 30+hrs looking for the solution manual under all possible key words combinations. He even mentioned having looked for 2+hrs and getting bored. To end his letter (gotta admit I love the fact that he structured his letter properly) he said he hoped I'd done well in the exam. I answered saying I hadn't taken more than 5min, that the solutions manual would've come in handy for exercise 3, that I had done quite well and that I hoped he'd at least done decently. You see, the thing is I know he was lying when he said he'd been looking. I got my link in the first page of google results. I didn't need to play along and yet I sort of felt compelled to. It's hardly my place to call on his bullshit, though, right?

I think I just noticed, and have made up my biased mind about it, girls from Santander must be awfully slutty or otherwise easy to get. 4's gf, 2's gf and a few of D's friends (thank you facebook stalking) I didn't really like a lot came from there. It's at least kinda funny when you consider there was a fairly big market here already and they (2 and 4) went for the emotional, cheap (yeah, I'm a snob, that's news how?), open hearted, corny, romantic afficionadas. Big let down, coming from them. I would've expected them to go for more interesting girls, then again I'd totally understand if there aren't an awful lot of those falling for them. Still, I noticed guys I wouldn't have expected to have girlfriends turned out to have girls from Santander. You could even consider AOB's not so pretty "school-girl" friend to be in this category.

Oh, and there are a few more social skills points today: another guy from Pentagono who once asked for my help with a problem he couldn't solve sat by me today and said hi. I asked him to help me out with a problem I couldn't solve (decide whether or not the integral from 1 to infinity of the function 1/(x + c^2x) was finite). Whaddaya know? Turns out he's studying economics and is friends with the girl EBF took advantage of in school2, the one with blonde hair who had a big crush on him. Just another fun fact. Small world, eh?

Also on my mind, I don't know what I'll do to get all topology exercises done by Monday, or how I'm ever to keep up with discrete geometry, so I made up my mind to grow a pair and start reading a book I found online on the subject, only I think I have a statistics assignment to do, and a logic assignment to double check before I hand them in tomorrow. And I just can't be bothered, so here I am, posting an entry. Almost 300 posts now. I wonder if anyone will ever read these for more than 10min.

I meant to write before, I'd made up my mind to wait until EBF sent any life signals through an IM to give him a link to this blog's "read first" entry. I would've had him read the blog rather than talk to me. I had no resolve for that when he spoke to me last time. I realise it had only been 2 months since we last talked (in the first case scenario I'd sort of figured he'd wait a lot longer). For what it's worth, I've managed not to look at his facebook profile or anything he's posted I could avoid seeing by "hiding him" from my newsfeed. I believe only a few comments in mutual friends' wall posts slipped by. I'm quite proud of myself. The weaning process is going nicely. I can be an ice queen (or ice baby... for some reason I've been referring to myself as "baby girl" in my thoughts). I can be untouchable. I can have that safety. I only need a lot more brains to pull it off well, but I'm working on it. Like I said, I'm pretty sure I rocked that exam.

I just need to understand statistics and logic mumbo jumbo. Not to mention I need to become an expert in topology and discrete geometry (to the best of my abilities) if I'm ever to compete with my classmates. I do embarass myself so sometimes. I need to replace people for problems. Like chess players do. I remember watching a documentary where they studied this woman who had played chess most of her life. She had started recognising chess moves and board patterns with the part of the brain that normally takes care of remembering faces. If only I could do that and learn a thing or two about smart, intelligent ways to connect ideas so I could logically deduce nice conclusions from them. It will be imperative for discrete geometry, specially with all the open problems in the area. I really wouldn't like to end up dropping the subject.

Going back to the whole ice queen thing, I also think (now, I really didn't think much when I decided to talk back to EBF) it would've been too melodramatic to leave a link to the blog. Not that I don't like being melodramatic. I am, it just embarrasses me to do so. To be more specific, I'd be embarrassed to be melodramatic with EBF, and I somehow still want him to appprove of me so I'd really hate to look bad in front of him. Not that it can actually matter much, I just make a big deal out of it for no good reason. I want him to approve of me, I want him to think highly of me. I carry this to AOB when I ramble on hoping something smart will deserve an appreciative comment. I'm so full of shit...

*sigh*

I'd better start the statistics assignment. I'm starting to feel sleepy and I gotta wake up at 5:30am tomorrow.

### Plane

I had a dream last night where I was in a plane. I can't remember much, except for putting way too much thought into which seat to take and ending up in one that was near enough to a window (most were taken). The plane was huge and it looked a lot like any big dining room. EBF's blond friend was there.

## Tuesday, 24 August 2010

### All seas

I had a dream where I could see D online (messenger) and he had a personal message in latin along the lines of "all seas", it was "omnis mareae" or something like that. I seemed to remember talking to D, only I think I mistook D and EBF (our not so recent conversation from the day the bomb went off).

## Monday, 23 August 2010

### Someone else

I'm not too sure what exactly my dream was about, but I think I at least remember the gist of it.

I had somehow gotten a chance to get insight into some other girl's life. I got to see her in her house, how she interacted with her parents and her siblings. I even got to see a picture of some guy she probably had a crush on (had slept with) but was ashamed of. As the dream came to an end, the girl explained that I wasn't really seeing her for who she was, but for the person I believed her to be. The odd bit being, of course, how I even pieced together secrets about her.

## Sunday, 22 August 2010

### Not good

I woke up wanting to be with D. Even if he's a sociopath, even if it can't be a proper relationship, I woke up wanting to be near him at almost any cost. That can't be good.

### Finally

The wedding is over with. We just got back. I spent all day getting ready, I hate being a woman. I plucked all the hair that needed plucking, exfoliated my hands and feet, cut and painted (all) my nails, spent all day with rollers and smothered my face with makeup. My feet hurt, I'm tired, hungry and I was bored out of my mind, but it's over with.

My sister and I got stuck sitting with some douchebags and a couple of relatively nice people who were too far away to talk to. The music was too loud, and the food wasn't that good. I'll admit the whole brazilian thing was great, both the music, the dancers, and the parafernalia. I drank about a cup of wine, mixing most of the champagne, about half a glass of white wine and a sip of red. I found them all to be uncomfortably sour, though the tanines in the red weren't too bad. I think I know why drinking wine is good for your heart and lowering cholesterol levels. I'm pretty sure your liver processes the alcohol instead of the fat, which goes straight through without having time to leave any pesky molecules behind to clot your arteries. I've had a headache since yesterday and when it struck during the party the wine helped a lot. I stopped when I could feel myself a little off balance (even on my chair). I was oddly determined to try all meals with their respective drinks, only I'm not sure either was too good to begin with.

No more showers, no more family reunions, no more meetings late at night on weekdays, no more cooking for 30+ people (and only 20 eating), no more seeing the same people every weekend, no more pointless conversations. Not for a while, anyway.

As for my dream last night, I'm not sure about the rest, but I'm sure there was a dream where I passed by 3 houses. They were all about 4 stories high, thin and long, one was blue and the other two beige ones were slanted to the side. I imagined it would be nice to live there and next thing I know I am, and I'm working on the orchard. I have a neighbour who's concnerned because he only gets to try and grow stuff under some wall's shadow. For some reason I insist on asking about the state of a spearmint plant of his.

## Friday, 20 August 2010

### Date?

I just took a short afternoon nap, only because I was so tired, and I woke up mid dream. I was in a bus with a few people from university (I think) and they were discussing some thing or other. Eventually a horoscope came into the discussion and it mentioned that a taurus (?) had to know about something they all wanted to know. I don't know if I actually spoke, but next thing I know I was talking to this guy... he was tall (though he was just sitting down to my right), had shaved his head, was fairly muscular and looked kinda sweet. He asked if I was single and then if I was dating which resulted in me agreeing to go out with him. He said something about meeting at 2pm on a Tuesday to watch a film, and how we'd be talking before then to decide on which film and its format. I was about to bring up the fact that I probably wouldn't make it because I would've only just left class when I woke up.

It's taken me writing the post up to this point to realise I'm out of statistics at 1pm, not 2pm, and that I could probably squeeze a movie in there before 4pm (abstract algebra). Besides the fact that I was willing to date, it was odd that in the dream he got nervous hiccups and I kept burping. There was a long last burp that actually got some food up my oesophagus, it was uncomfortable. It was all in the dream, I woke up just fine (except for a mild headache I had before falling asleep, which is probably the high cholesterol and triglycerides at work). Another odd fact, I hugged him from the side (which felt oddly comfortable) to tell him I couldn't make it. I think I might've just imagined that in the dream, or maybe I actually did it... who knows?

I should probably note that I wasn't particularly eager to go out with this guy, it was a "why not?" sort of logic that led to my saying yes.

## Thursday, 19 August 2010

### My own psychologist

I'll just write down a bit of today's dream: I was in school1, A was there and she had a girlfriend, I'd bought 4 new nail polishes and my dad has bought a cheap set of earrings and girly chinese stuff for me to wear to the wedding.

Now, on to today's breakthrough, I am my own psychologist and as much as I hate clichés, I think I have daddy issues. I was at yet another ffp tonight. I was late so my mum picked me up and my dad was already with my uncle so he got there early. He got so drunk, so soon. He's loud when he gets drunk. Loud, rude, and annoying. He's already stupid sober, and he just speaks his stupid mind out more often when he's drunk. It was embarrassing, humiliating, infuriating. We excused ourselves saying we have to wake up early just like everyone else just to get out and keep my dad from saying even more stupid things. It's so unnecessary. He's so unnecessary. He doesn't need to get drunk, he doesn't need to be a loud, rude, annoying drunk. He doesn't need to shout out stupid uninformed opinions and he doesn't need to get himself into situations he damn well knows he shouldn't.

He can't admit his own mistakes, so he blames everything wrong on everyone else around him, or on circumstances if he's out of luck. He is stupid. He thinks he can buy affection (I'm afraid I've inherited some of that behaviour), both by overfeeding my little one and spending precious money that should go to paying debts on trinkets. He gets more than he deserves for doing jackshit over at my uncle's office, he chooses to waste time on the whims of an old man expecting some kind of retribution.

He doesn't get to expect money from an old man who's already paying for his trips and expenses in Ctg, I reckon the old man thinks my dad needs the short vacation and we all know he's a cheap bastard. My dad's just angry at the fact that the old man is so willing to waste money every time he changes his mind about something instead of sticking to any plan and paying my dad for his work. My dad thinks too much of himself. I don't know why he never finished getting his degree, but it sure as hell doesn't help him finding a decent job. I doubt he could keep it, though, considering how awfully stupid and upset he can get. Any money he gets for any decent job is too much money, if you ask me. I can't for the life of me see why he thinks it's ok to avoid pays and build up debts, as if he could just kill himself one day and run away from them. Outrageous.

I don't care if he had a troubled childhood. My mum doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve him, the consequences of his stupid decisions (such as us being broke and ever broker if they keep avoiding bills), having to deal with my grandmother, his alcoholism, my uncles' and aunts' condescension, their lack of respect, their lack of understanding, and even their inability to do so much as pity her. I just don't understand what it is she saw in my dad, but I'm beginning to fear she has some odd need (which I somehow inherited) to love someone she thinks needs to be loved, only my dad is waaay too much to handle. That might be somehow linked to how both my aunts picked such terrible husbands.

They're all saints for putting up with it, but my mum has an unusually stubborn good heart, you know? I suppose I'm grateful for it, for that's where I get my own sense of right and wrong. I'm quite confident in it and I do see why it's so wrong for my aunt and cousins to use my mum as a chauffeur and never do so much as thank her or expect her to have time for lunch. I appreciate her sense of organisation, her patience, and willingness to get over rough patches. I'm sorry her strong character is wasted on hanging on instead of moving forward, but I'm afraid she's stumped.

I'm determined to be better than them both because I can't bear them, or the idea of resembling them. I'm terrified of getting drunk because I'd hate to resemble my dad or my grandmother and I'm aware of the fact that it may be (at least in part) beyond my control. It's my choice while I'm sober not to drink so I don't. If there's a reason (beyond, possibly, genes) for my smarts it's gotta be that. If there's a reason I'm too stupid right now to do anything it's because I'm stumped and if anything had gone according to plan we shouldn't have to struggle this much to get my sister and me through university. I am a tree stump. I don't think I can grow any more, but I remember what it was like to be better and I miss it.

As a small note, I think there's something wrong with 2, he seems compelled to lie when he's around me, and he's already told me two incredibly foolish lies, as I can readily check the facts (namely, that he dropped two subjects, one before he actually did, another one without having dropped it at all, he even asked about a partial exam). I think there might've been what others call "flirting" in class the other day, basically he asked a few questions I happened to be able to answer before he had to repeat the questions to the professor and he smiled as I finished talking. It was weird, I smiled back because I felt I had to, but it was a little odd.

## Tuesday, 17 August 2010

### Almost

I think I almost got mugged today. I was on the bus, and a suspicious looking guy sat next to me. I kept looking at his hands, and suspected his left sleeve, as he insisted on hiding it. I gave my seat to a nice old lady and he then gave his to her husband. We stood side by side for a while and as I held my bag high I worried he'd try something, but then the nice old man offered to keep it on his lap. When I sat down again once the couple got off the bus, he gave his old seat to some woman who offered to hold his bag. When I got up to get out, he asked for his bag back from the woman next to me, which got me on my nerves a bit. When I got out I made sure he wasn't out right after me. As I waited for the cars to stop coming so I could cross the street, I noticed he was walking towards me from a distance (about half a block) so I started walking farther ahead (probably not too smart, as it's darker and nastier in that direction, but all I could think of was crossing the street before he could). After that I did what I could to cross the other street, running just as cars started driving by. I'm pretty sure he started crossing right after I did, the first time, and I didn't look back to see if he'd cross after me the second time. I got back safe and sound, so I suppose I owe it to my (growing) paranoia. I just hope I'm not unlucky enough to have another encounter like it.

A few things gave him away:
- terrible clothes
- a cheap (pen, I'd bet) tattoo on his left hand, most likely indicating he's in a gang
- trying to conceal something up his left sleeve (I figure a knife)
- looking at me too often, too directly
- imitating my "good" behaviour giving the old people the seat, rather than taking the initiative
- rough looking hands, which proved he didn't study in a university
- clothes that looked like he was pretending to be from a university, along with a bookbag which clearly didn't hold any books

I'm just glad that's over with, but I do hope they put policemen on watch over there, it's just too darn dangerous for them to do nothing about it. I'll see if there's any way to report it and ask the policemen to try and do something about it. I figure it's the city that's in charge, but it figures some complaints could nudge them in a right direction.

### Forward

I'm pretty sure I should be able to remember more, but all I remember now is being in class (statistics) and my classmates interrupting class (not so much interrupting as delaying) to say goodbye to a teacher (guy, cool, apparently) who was leaving at about the same time our class began. We were in a mostly wooden room. Odd.

In another dream I was in a place that looked like the BBC I went to with A and Cq, only it was empty inside. People from maths were there waiting for 3. I gather he must've just gotten back and people wanted to know all about everything. In the dream I actually considered staying until everyone was gone so I could approach 3, hoping to kiss him or something.

Something tells me I'd better find myself a guy. Preferably, before my aunts do. I kind of dread having them set me up with some of my cousin's friends. That would be so weird...

I did want to mention, even if I say nothing more about Inception ever again, that when we went out with A's cousin I could sort of tell AOB liked her. About his height, blonde, blue eyes, cute and very nice. Also, taken (I don't suppose AOB pieced that together while we were with her). It would be really nice if something worked out between the two while she's here, though. I'd tease him, but it would be wrong, and he's too nice. I wish I knew more single, cute, blondes. I'm afraid that, much like me (and about everyone our age and this far into university studies) he's stuck being single because by now most others have figured out who their partner for the rest of university will be and it would take something exceptional to break those couples up. So there's that.

As a side note, I wanted to bring up the fact that I think I'm spot on with the sociopathy diagnosis on D. Wikipedia says psycopaths can't recognise emotions, even if they're manipulative, and says nothing about sociopaths not recognising them so I'm not changing words over a technicality (just yet). I'm starting to develop (if only based on two instances which can hardly constitute a good sample) a crazy theory: that sociopaths like D don't have a smell. I think it's a stolen idea from Patrick Suskind, but it would allow sociopaths to manipulate more people. Even if there's no proper chemistry and it's all fabricated, you can't fabricate the "bad chemistry" that comes from bad genetics.

Oh, and in some other dream I had a couple of nights ago I was in China. I'd just arrived and I was sort of part of a videogame. I remember shopping for groceries and finding lots of "regular" occidental food on a shelf. There were also starved children, a terrorist who took apart a tent, and several tents with cheap clothes (much like a flea market) which I thought to myself I wouldn't buy anything in. I figured that within reason, society here is much like the one there and it's not quite alright to buy stuff there if you can afford better.

I seem to be remembering a dream, just now, I had last night. I was in the sea with my dad and my sister. My little one wasn't too far away. We were on a boat and thinking of swimming someplace. A guy on the boat threw lifesavers at us and I swam back and forth to make sure my dad wore one. A turtle followed me around and I remember being afraid of sharks.

## Sunday, 15 August 2010

### Finally got back

I was at my cousin's bachelorette party. Throw in some quotation marks, if you will. I tried to say no when the subject was first brought up, but then my sister was invited too, and my mum was too excited to have us going out with my cousins to the expensive/cool restaurant/disco and having my uncle pay for it. It was so bad.

For one, my cousin has no friends, I must assume, if that was really her bachelorette party. There were 10 of us: my 3 cousins, the groom's sister and cousin, my sister and I and 3 girls who were my cousin's classmates. Then there's the fact that I thought I might've seen D in a telly that went through different cameras around the restaurant, it was a matter of luck and not wearing my glasses, as my sister had just told me about this particular television. If I'm a terrible person, and I am, the groom's cousin and 2 of my cousin's classmates were ugly. I don't suppose I look too good myself, but I felt like Jack Black in Love is Blind, comparing one to a dog, observing how incredibly long the forehead of another was, and wondering if the first had ever gotten laid (I resolved she probably had, and that the guy aactually enjoyed it, unlike with the freakishly long forhead girl).

The food was good. That much I'll grant my cousins, and I'm thankful that they took us out, but I was so tired. I am so tired. I was too bored to be interested in my cousin's exboyfriends or anyone's, for that matter and I discovered I've got a reflex to make terrible conversation when I'm trying to make a good impression. My social skills truly are deplorable.

I should remember some time to write about Inception. I watched it on Friday with AOB, A and her cousin. It was really cool.

## Saturday, 14 August 2010

### Queue

I had a dream where the people from glee and CM were in queues (two) along with fans. Some obnoxious guy kept pressing against Chris Colfer, so Kirsten Vansgness tweeted that he and his friends were all smucks. A girl counter-tweeted, which got Kirsten upset. Lea Michele was in a bench near an exit, sick and obnoxious, and she wouldn't give me an autograph.

In another dream I was in a pool (quite warm, too) wearing nothing but a yellow panty. There was some worker I kept hiding from in the water so he wouldn't see me naked, but otherwise it was actually very liberating.

A small note: EBF is online. I've been bypassing wanting to talk to him since I posted this. Somehow, because he started the last conversation, and I ended it, and it didn't completely suck, I feel compelled to start another one. I'll insist in not doing so. Never mind if it crosses his mind that we're no longer good friends, I've had time to get used to that fact, and I've taken a step ahead making my mind up and deciding we're not even friends anymore. If I stick to that, there's no need for us to talk, and I'll just consider it to be similar to when I talk to 2, it's nice, but I won't expect anything and won't go out and try to "start" anything. (Without, of course, the attraction part of it, which is just a tiny bonus with 2, he's nice to be around either way).

## Thursday, 12 August 2010

### .... Here I go....

EBF started a conversation. It's been surprisingly long, knowing us. I can't say I'm all too happy, though. I just... well, it feels as it would if I engaged in a conversation with Cq. It's unfulfilling, it's almost boring, it's the kind of conversation I might as well not be having. I'd enjoy myself about as much watching television. So there's that, you know? We're talking and we're so disconnected, so far apart, so out of reach it's nothing like it used to, even if chance should have it we last longer talking.

### Bomb

I had a dream last night about a family reunion. I had to put flowers in vases. My cousin had gotten some high tech thing for her car which turned out to be total crap. 3 styled his beard to look like Antanas. Antanas had retweeted the picture and I showed my sister, who seemed to know 3.

A bomb went off this morning. It went off near journalists, early, and killed no one. I think there's a good chance they were aiming to scare a particular target, most likely someone too fond of the truth. They'll blame this on the guerrilla, but they're too badass for this sort of thing. I'm skipping class today. I'll read, finish my homework and sleep.

## Wednesday, 11 August 2010

### Out of control

I had a dream last night where I was having sex (or was about to have sex) with a guy who was sometimes Gene Simmons and sometimes the guy how played Matilda's dad, or the circus owner in Big Fish. I swung him from his hands and feet until his face went really red, and I even half remember stopping just as he was about to enter me because I was hoping to get him to help me come first. These dreams are just out of control. That's wicked wrong.

## Tuesday, 10 August 2010

### Squirrel-y

I can't study right now, my mind's uneasy and I'm not sure why but it sure seems like a good idea to sit down (lie down, really) and write. It's a nice outlet.

This peace of mind labelling D a sociopath, it's great for sure, but it clears the way for other thoughts. For one, I've been (un)consciously thinking of guys all day. Really just 4, and that's because I only just now found out he's got a girlfriend (facebook stalking, minor). Somehow, being able to dismiss thoughts (and feelings) related to D brings up the issue of habit. I'd made a habit out of thinking of D, missing him, wanting him. Now that I can over-ride all those thoughts I find I'm still trying to find someone to feel similar feelings for. I'm very comfortable with the way things are with 2, and I wouldn't dream of ruining a perfectly good relationship even if it were an option. I realise 4 is a far-fetched option because of the music band and a few other major incompatibilities, and I still seriously considered him today as the next plausible option.

There were only 5 people in my list, we just got rid of 1, 2, 4, 3's out of the country and I never really gave much thought to 5 so never mind him. I feel so squirrel-y. I'm desperately trying to find someone I can like, and not only do I find it unnaturally hard to, I'm also consciously fighting the "need" because I don't want to need a guy. It's ridiculous. A local MGG got on the bus today and after wishing he'd stand closer to take a better look, then thinking he could be a thief (still paranoid, you see) because he had no backpack and didn't look like he worked, then thinking of that hilarious Dr. House moment when Chase got lots of women wanting to date him for his looks even after he pretended to be a jerk around them. So: instinctive curiosity, and then the realisation that unlike MGG this guy probably had absolutely nothing interesting about him. You gotta admit MGG's sketches are pretty cool.

It got me thinking of why I keep feeling that men stare at me, even if it's just paranoid, it could aldo be that they follow the same instinct that got me to want the guy above to stand closer. They stick to that, though, and I'm still trying to think of more features that would make someone worth being around. I enjoy 2's company, for instance, however briefly we hang out and talk, it's always nice. Maybe that's just the tiny hormone rush, nevertheless it's nice. I can tell 4 is a nice guy too, I'd have to overlook a few aspects, but he seems very sweet. I'm out of options, it would seem. I'm supposed to be cool with that, which I sometimes am, but then I miss the human contact and can't find anything to think of.

I should know better, but suddenly my aunts' idea that I find some guy in my cousin's wedding is starting to look good, and that's just terrible. I can't believe I'm a squirrel-logic offender now that I've logic-ed D out of the equation... I could use meeting new people.

To feed a little hypochondria, there's three things that have been worrying me these days: first of all, I keep seeing these white dots, a little too often and unexplicably for comfort; second, when I go to sleep I feel the empty bloated feeling you get when something you ate is going to make you throw up; third, I'd blame it on new glasses but it started before, I get headaches in the afternoon.

### Cuts

I had a dream this morning, it's the only one I remember, right before my mum woke me up. I was in a rehab center for junkies, in a daze (but I'm pretty sure not high). Some woman had given me a piece of paper for me to give doctors so they would see me. I didn't feel so good. After a bit as I talked to a nice lady who told me what to do I couldn't feel my legs, I lost all energy and slumped on a nearby chair, completely blanking out. I was then with the odontologist who treated my braces in Ctg, who was drawing squares in my leg and saying he'd have to cut them out (just under 1cm², about 8 in total around my knee). It was a test of sorts. They put some local anesthesia which hadn't really kicked in, and when he asked if he could go ahead I felt my leg and I could feel it, but told him to go ahead anyway. This is where I woke up.

Now, I've been giving it some thought and I figured D telling his friend (mutual friend of EBF) that I looked away when I saw him and therefore must hate him doesn't completely fit the sociopath behaviour, but I'll admit it's a lot less incongruent than all previous theories, not to mention I really do feel more peaceful, so I won't mind it much.

Also, I ran into a guy from school2, who asked about EBF's farewell party and whether or not I was there. I said I wasn't. He asked if I knew when EBF left and I ventured a guess at around 2 months. I walked on, he took the stairs to class. I thought I should mention that.

## Monday, 9 August 2010

### Not supposed to be a big deal

First of all, last night's dream before I completely forget it. It took place in school1, one of the primary classrooms (most likely 3rd or 4th grade) and Sfer was teaching something. I'm glad he didn't smell in the dream, but something tells me he might've been involved with a student (namely, the girl who, rumour has it, is pregnant).

As for request guy, I do know him and I figure it can't have been that hard to reach me, so I won't be paranoid. That and I think he's a nice guy, reminds me of A's dad.

Possible epiphany: I think D is a sociopath. It explains a lot, from knowing how to read expressions to knowing how to manipulate me into doing anything he wanted me to. I can't explain a few things, like that letter he kept in his wallet, but as far as everything went along with me, I think it explains enough so I'm settling for this theory. It gives me peace of mind to explain his behaviour, for some reason. Even the most erratic bits (such as when he said he loved me, the picture of a naked girl in the shower, almost crying on our first date, and others) fit in, so I'm sticking with it.

As for my day today... I'm very frustrated. I can't believe how incredibly useless I am in topology when I'm called to the board, and how embarrassing I find those situations. I read before class and at least attempt the exercises appointed. I could tell today that I got us all a little farther behind schedule and that it's something I could've just memorised, so I have a new resolution: I'm starting the nerdy topology cards and I'm going to study them as long as it takes in order to learn all theorems and lemmas with their proof, as well as find some more exercises to work on than the ones in the assigned book and the one I've borrowed from the library. I hate making a fool out of myself, and it's somehow worse in that class. I hate that feeling. Plus, my hands can't take a lot more nailing, I keep pressing my nails against my skin, fisting my hands, and I believe I'll start bleeding if I keep this up. What upsets me the most is the fact that I could probably pull the stunts off on my own in a desk, without anyone looking (and to think it's just 5 guys there... nice guys, actually). *Nazgûl shriek*

I do tend to dig my nails into my arms/legs/hands when I'm stressed and don't really want to show it. I also tend to be too hard on myself, which got me thinking about Keinohrhasse: I'm never going to be happy with anyeone until I'm happy (enough) with myself and I just don't see that happening. I do keep going to AOB, hoping for validation, even though I'm mostly a blabbering idiot around him. I do feel sorry for this, because I'm sure he's smart enough to realise it (at least partly).

Also, I've had the feeling since yesterday that I'm going to be robbed while I'm on the bus. Today, for instance, a guy who kept his hands hidden by his bag sat next to me, and we were on the left of the bus. Normally, I figure that most of the population is right-handed, so if someone were to press a knife/gun to me in the bus, it would be far less likely to happen if I sat by a window on the right. However, I sat on the left today and I didn't like this guy one bit, so as soon as the guy in front got up, I got his seat. I noticed the suspicious looking guy didn't get out until we were near university, so I made sure to get out of the bus with someone else. I kept hearing psssst! noises behind me as I walked to class, so I just hurried there, hoping it wasn't intended to make me look back and be surprised. I wonder if it could be the onset of paranoia (and insanity). It's either that or this city is really fucked up with that many thieves and it's just a matter of time before I get scared and/or scarred.

I suddenly thought of a (possibly silly) mathematical problem: if two people walk in the exact opposite direction of one another, what are the chances of them eventually meeting face-to-face? Is there a surface where this can happen?

## Sunday, 8 August 2010

I only remember (and only vaguely, and because I told my sister) a bit of a dream where I traveled back and forth from Japan and I was bringing bottles (huge ones) of sushi vinegar. They had some weird restriction where I wasn't allowed to bring these in my suitcase so they charged $410+ for the bottles. After paying (asking my dad for permission and money) twice I tried talking to a nice japanese woman and explaining it just wasn't right for them to keep charging this money, because as it turned out I was allowed to bring the vinegar along. She seemed understanding, but I can't remember where that dream went. Now, I received an e-mail today from some guy who claims to be in 3 of my classes, asking for a recap on Thursday and Friday. I couldn't refuse (not even to the crappy grammar and spelling) because something tells me we're supposed to stick out for each other (mathematicians, as a tiny group). I did, however, find it odd that he chose me to write an e-mail to me, specifically. It means he has ways of knowing the name lists of the classes I don't know about or pays too much attention to roll call. Either way I had a bad feeling and ignored it for the sake of not finding a good enough reason not to be nice and answer. If he does approach me or try anything I'll have to put it in the blog, so I'm naming him request guy as of now. As for last night's dreams, again, I'm sure there were many of them. I just can't remember them. One of them I'm sure I tried to question while I was awake and I remembered it, wondering why I didn't try to go into a lucid dream. I have the nagging feeling that D might've been in one of them, but I really couldn't tell, so maybe it's just wishful thinking from all the missing D that has gone on this weekend. [falling asleep edit:] I remmebered the last dream I had: I was in a disco, or some other big party place and there was some sort of contest. I was called out along with 4 others to impersonate some people in a given situation all the people in the party knew about. Some of the people in the group had come together and one of them had been left out so he/she asked to get in and got permission. I remember considering giving her my spot, as I didn't really want to be there, but I was hoping D would be there and that he would see me. Some guy from school1 who used to be my neighbor was there and I had to explain soem of us would have to play the opposite sex. He mocked me, overall was rude, and next thing I know the contest has started, or for some reason people from the group started moving. I grabbed on tight to the guy who mocked me and someone else, trying hard not to fall, as if it would grant me something in the end. The guy who mocked me tried hard to get me to fall, but I didn't. I woke up thinking I was grabbing on, wondering why my muscles weren't more tense. ## Friday, 6 August 2010 ### Yearning It had been a while. I missed D a lot today, for no particular reason. I just wanted to be near him today. I hate it when that happens, my mind wanders to everything I'd do to be with him, to make him happy, I end up fantasising about impossible scenarios. ## Thursday, 5 August 2010 ### Satisfied I'm not sure about anything else that went on last night in my dreams, but I have a very distinct image in mind: I was a woman (not necessarily me) and I was lying in bed in between two men. I couldn't see their faces, I couldn't tell who they're supposed to be, but I was sleeping with them both (as in, having sex with them both) and it made me feel particularly satisfied with myself to know that. It was a very odd feeling. Switching subjects, today's rant is about a young man who happens to have entered the logic class this semester. I'll just go out and say it: he's poor and he shows it in the worst possible way. He wears cheap cologne, a cheesy bright earring in one ear and a lousy haircut (which I could ignore, but I won't). He entered the classroom and eyed both me and the only other girl in it both insistently and rudely. I wouldn't expect that behaviour from anyone in university. Hell, I could only expect it from very rude men in the street. Having him there, eyeing us both that way made me feel violated. It's just wrong. EBF's friend, the religious one, is poor and he has good manners. The worst he's ever done is calling me "baby" which I can allow to slide by now becaue today's eyeing was just inexcusable. On a small note, I overheard today that 3's back in the country. I'm not sure I should care, or why, but I sort of do. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't if I were near him, though. I'm weird... ## Wednesday, 4 August 2010 ### Long time no see It had been a while since I last had a dream that involved D. His appearance was brief in last night's dream. I was in university with the girl who introduced me to D. I'm not sure I've mentioned her here before, but what gives... D was ahead of us, and I could only just see his back, but I knew it was him. The thrill I felt in the dream confirmed it. I immediately started jumping to conclusions about him being back in the unversity I'm in. ## Tuesday, 3 August 2010 ### Naked old people If by any reason you got here looking for kinky porn, leave. Now. That done I'll just relate that I had a dream where I was in an apartment where Jane Lynch lived. She was understood to have a female partner somewhere, and for some reason people in the building were all old and didn't mind riding the elevator naked. Disturbing. Just a couple of things to mention. First (chronologically), I think I saw N2 today walking around university and I'm still doubtful because she looked quite fat. Not exceedingly fat, just surprisingly so, I never thought she could hold that much weight. I would still have to check, see if I run into her again and it does turn out to be her. Now, my day was wretched. I got out 30min early, only to arrive 15min late for class, I walked fast and breathed fast in the cold and rain until my lungs felt like they were being filled with needles, only to find the class I was "late for" never took place, as the professor didn't arrive. I stayed longer in the classroom, if only to wait while it stopped raining so badly, only to discover there was a gap in the sole of one of the rubber boots I was wearing. I might as well have been wearing sneakers. However, if I don't over think it (I do have a tendency to overthink everything and it ruins anything), I really like my relationship to 2. We talked briefly today, and it's nice. I really like where I'm at with him, and I love the fact that I don't care if I'm a little bit of an idiot around him (I sort of stumbled into someone today walking out of class with him) as I'm never too clumsy or particularly flustered. In fact, I'm never really flustered around him, which is really nice. I don't really mind much whether or not there's a chance of anything happening, ever, beyond talking every now and then after and before class. It's just nice "as is". ## Monday, 2 August 2010 ### So normal... Overdue, but that's because I just started classes today and there was no way I'd be late just because I had to post this earlier, so I jotted down what I could and I'll piece it together here if I can: In one dream EBF was back (or never gone) and though I tried avoiding him it would seem he somehow got me to listen and I ended up in a car he was driving with other people. There was some sort of carnival up the 7th av. I was uncomfortable. In another dream I was out buying stuff for my sister, a cutting compass to cut perfect circles with. When I saw it, it turned out to be an exacto held to a compass with elastic bands. It cost$20,000 but I bought it anyway thinking my sister could use a better compass either way. There was a black jumper on the counter, for some reason, there were other people buying stuff and I'm sure there was something of a mix up with the money we were giving the saleswoman.

In another dream, in a hot climate place that looked a little bit like a cross between argentinian and arab, a restaurant opened early. The walls outside were white and the wood made of stone. Inside the floor was made of wood, it was fairly dark and some people, including a sensei and a chinese girl, were sitting on a table. I sat next to the chinese (ok, maybe just asian) girl. The place looked old.

In the last dream I remember I found a baby monkey outside one of school2's classrooms, and the doors that led out to the grass actually led to a bit of jungle. I was looking for the little monkey's parents, which involved showing it to couples of monkeys to see if they were his parents (not sure why, but I'm pretty sure it was a monkey boy, in a somewhat racist twist I sometimes saw pictures of it as a little african boy). For some weird reason, the adult monkeys had to see the little one be born (which involved, I've no idea why, a stick from a rose with its thorns). The process was dangerous, and there was a good chance (better, upon repetitions) that the baby monkey wouldn't make it alive out of it. I actually think I remember there being a time where the rose stick someone was holding broke (I was with other women, including later in university my cousin, the middle one). As I remember, the monkey's parents couldn't be found, though it was born at least 5 times, and it was decided that we'd give it a rest and try again later.

Now, if I may just rant for a bit about today's late night bus. It was terrible... There were at least 2 thieving pairs who got on the bus, and two other (maybe not thieves, but positively disgusting) young men started talking as they stood just by my seat. At least one of them was married, I noticed, and they must've been in their mid twenties. They spoke of how they got drunk on cheap booze, smoked tons of pot and got girls to sleep with them and give them blow jobs. I couldn't help but be a little hurt when they mentioned the blow jobs and refered to them as a little taste to let them know the girls would wait and have sex with them later. I just couldn't help feeling, though I hadn't in quite a while, that D used me much like these men used the girls they talked about. I find it apalling that the girls they talked about were as young as 14-16.