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Saturday, 31 July 2010


I have issues with authority. I can't live with myself when I make people angry (especially some people, it seems), I repeat mistakes over and over in my head and it's torture. I hate doing things wrong, misunderstanding them, misinterpeting them, and ranting on only to realise too late that I really shouldn't have. I've noticed I briefly try to find ways to be right about what I've done just after realising I've done something wrong, but I find it's just wrong whatever I do. Very frustrating, it does seem to make me very dependent on others' opinion.

Monday, 26 July 2010

Lots of dreams

Lots of them. In one, I had to plan a sweet sixteen party in a new hotel/resort thing with lots of pools. I was, quite frankly, disgusted by how many people were allowed in the pools before opening, so I never got in any of them. I was uncomfortable throwing the party because I didn't really know who to invite. I don't know that many people and asking the few I do would've been ridiculous. It was supposed to be a university thing, not even a school thing. I really didn't feel good asking perfect strangers I know only the faces of to come get drunk with me.

In another dream I was in a fancy party with my dentist cousin, talking about epilepsy or a related disease. I confused it with some other disease where you saw spots that allowed you to predict seizures, and my cousin insisted that I STFU. Next thing I know some older woman (50ish) starts getting seizures, very painful ones. I felt like an ass, but there was nothing to be done by then.

In another dream, possibly, I was in a party with people from school2 and the doctorl girl friend of AOB's. She was trying to teach me what to do and how to get around the party and get laid. She told me to order tequilas/margaritas and wait for a very specific point of drunkenness before approaching guys. I ended up doing nothing. A might've been a part of this dream, and it might've been my birthday so she gave me some pink pants that used to be hers, and I said I'd try them on. I was instructed I could do so in a sauna room, but when I opened the door there was some blonde, rich looking, girl there, covered only with a small white towel, a boob almost out, who was very rude in telling me to go away. She made a point out of stating how poor I was and how I was trying to take advantage to watch her naked.

In another dream, I was in a big clothes store with the guys from the american what not to wear show, and some parts of the store were flooded with some odd liquid that ruined the guy's jeans. He later told some other guy.

I'm not entirely sure it was a different dream and party from the ones described above, but there was a party being thrown by my faculty and I got first and second place in dancing contests, which sort of tells you how lame it was. In the one where I got second place, JP (who referred to me as old wine) got also second place for some short movie he'd made. I got it as an actress, he would've gotten first as an actor except for the fact that he didn't really follow the rules. In this dream I met with R1 in the maths building in university, and he mentioned having been in the party, looking for 21 y o girls who studied biology. 21 y o for me were already really young (it took me a while to remember I am 21 right now) and I was surprised to find out guys went to nerd-filled parties on purpose to get nerdy girls. The stereotype was of girls called Lina or Mariana (can't quite remember).

In another dream I was with glee characters, though I can't remember much other than Mercedes waiting in line by the beach and Mr. Schuester talking to some young girl student as he got some food for both. I was sometimes that student.

In yet another dream I was sometimes a woman in bed with some guy, both characters from the "gentlemen prefer stupid women" show. She farted for exactly 1.5 seconds and covered it, then admitted it.

In the last dream I remember I accidentally started an IM conversation with EBF. I was trying to talk to someone else, but for some reason his e-mail had slipped back into my contacts list, now as something like diablillo. I'm not sure what news I told first, but next thing I know he's telling me he met with his friend with the cool sense of humour to have tea/beer in China, and that some girl (not N2) was about to give birth to his baby. I did the math and realised that if he's been with N2 for longer than a year he must've cheated. Not sure what happened next, but I really wanted to lecture him.

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Willy Wonka lost in time

I had a dream last night where MGG had a haircut not unlike Johnny Depp's as Willy Wonka, only his hair was still curly and messy. He was giving out these notebooks with his drawings and comments, sort of like personal agendas. He'd given them out in a room full of people (I was with A and other girls) and asking us to let him know if any were missing pages. Mine was, A's wasn't. She said she didn't care (I would've swapped but by then we'd been instructed to write something in them), so I argued it would be awesome to have those when MGG became even more famous and started taking big parts in films. Als, there was something about soccer glee clubs, if you will. I remember being in a covered basketball court. I saw a few people from school1 there.

Oh, while I'm writing... My cousin, the one who lives in Prague, the one I'm kind of embarrased around (especially since I once tried making him into a superhero, totally unaware, however straightforward an idea), he's gay. I'd been passing his quirkyness as "european" but it only makes sense now. He's gay, and it's no wonder I've liked him better than my other relatives, it "follows the pattern", it started the pattern, actually. I wonder why he's not "out", though. My mum seems to know, I daresay my aunt can't be unaware of the fact. I wonder what my uncle's position is.

A small note on the current political problems: a cousin told me once about a book where it's stated that heroes can be self-made if they create the disasters they can later fix to be "good". Uribe is doing that for Santos. He's got nothing to lose, and he's deliberately making sure Santos looks like a superstar when he fixes things with Venezuela. The way he's doing it is very questionable, but it will without a doubt grant results. Make a mess of the economy, let it go for a few months, let people starve to death, exaggerate so it looks more terrible than it will be (and it will be terrible), then let Santos make things right. Never mind if it's too late, if he can't get things working properly again or fails miserably to make things right beyond paper. He'll make things right and be considered a hero for it.

Saturday, 24 July 2010

Catching up

I had some catching up to do. First because I was too lazy to write down a dream where I was in the islands with my family (extended) and there was a tree that gave oranges the size of watermelons. I took one that looked ripe thinking of all the jam you could make with the rind, but it turned out to be rotten inside. Apparently oranges shouldn't ripe on the tree, or that happens. Also in that dream I was in the sea fetching balls. Some boys (locals?) were there too and they somehow made a mess and I would've had to do more work fetching balls if I hadn't told them to fix what they'd undone. I told them to fetch some balls by a bus that was parked in a little beach in a nearby island. Later, near the island, I was on a boat with my dad and others, and a shark was attacking the boat. My dad fell in the water (though the shark kept biting the boat). I woke up.

The Mario Party get together was ruined, A can't make it, something to do with her cousin's boyfriend coming over as a surprise and needing to go out with him. AOB and I have discussed watching Inception and playing some other time. I called to talk to him, because he didn't answered when I called earlier (even though I jumped through hoops, having a dead battery to do so). I had to hang up because my aunt MT was on the phone and wanted to talk to me, and I was running out of minutes, so he said he'd call me back. We talked for 11:38 and I think I was already very uncomfortable and itchy by 4:00. Lately I find myself very deliberately avoiding everything couple-ey with him, it's just too weird. For instance he offered to give me his N64 controllers. It made me uncomfortable. He said it was so they'd be here, supposing we'd have several mario parties... nah, I don't think so, not even often enough that he'd need to keep them here... let's leave that at that.

Or not... we talked about his wanting to make a film, write a story or something and I think I threw in a few too many stupid ideas, and I re-told him about Captain Planet, and brought up D... recipe for disaster, isn't it? I then insisted that he needs a blonde girlfriend or beer, which, it only hit me later, is just my way of trying to treat him as I would EBF. Shit. Shawr mawr rawr!

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Coincidences and odd thoughts

First, a coincidence. I was in my aunts shop today, and the song "I'll fly with you" from Gigi D'Agostino was on in the mall's radio station.

It was very unusual, it's a very old song and I hadn't heard it in years. Oddly, just after I got on the bus home, a remix of the same song was played in the bus' radio. An amusing coincidence.

Second, a bit of news: A kissed with some horny Brazilian sailor guy person. If I allow myself to be petty, I'll be astonished. She didn't go for it, he did, and she stopped it thinking he just wanted to get laid. That makes my situation really freaking sad.

Now for a truly odd remark. I'm starting to think I'm like that demo girl who turned into what others wanted, only I think I smell like what others want me to. It's a strange thing to say, but I've noticed every so often my smell changes. Sometimes I smell like my grandmother, or my dad and it disgusts me. I never smell like my mum. I used to smell like moist black soil and trees at night (as far as I'm concerned trees smell differently at night and during the day, whether anyone else notices or not). I couldn't stand my own smell today. I'm positive I used deodorant and I even checked my sweater and shirt, but neither smelled particularly "sweaty", it's my smell right now. That's what smells bad. I smell bad, and it's an unusual smell in me. Being very snobbish I can only describe my smell as poor, the smell of women who clean houses for a living.

I'm only writing this in because it's probably hormone related, it's the first day of my period. I've also sort of been thinking of AOB a little too often, for some reason trying to think of MGG turns the M into an A... weird. I think this happened too when I first seriously considered 3, and then again when I seriously considered 4. I wonder if my "usual" dark-rain-forest-ey smell was somehow linked to D. I know I haven't really given an explanation for why I think my smell is the one that would "match" someone else's, the crappy reason I have is that I think I can tell what smells complement each other.

So there's an unhappy truth: I liked my smell better when I was around D. Odd twist on a cliché.

Again, freudian

I had a dream where I talked to some secretary from university to settle the class I want to take instead of the one I didn't get a spot in. And another one where AOB answered my long IM (he did this morning, said he wasn't interested in beer... I figure he's not too interested in anything that beer could mean, like talking it out, so I won't push it).

There were also a few odd bits and pieces: in one dream I tried to zip my leg (from the knee down) in a bookbag's pocket, somehow thinking I could fit in. This bookbag was in a car where someone I knew (R1, AOB) and a russian woman and driver offered me a ride to Bulevar. They picked me up in the hospital on the way. In another dream I was in a poor town shop with A, Jdt and N1. We met with N1's parents, who mentioned a gallery in lower floors we could visit, but we didn't.

Tuesday, 20 July 2010


I had a minor flashback today watching Criminal Minds. Reid mentioned something about how he doesn't look like his father, he's not really supposed to. We mimic facial expressions of and grow similar to people we're around. It's been shown in multiple studies, people grow to look like their dogs, parents, friends, partners... Besides that, there's the somewhat narcissistic factor that people choose partners who're similar to them, so when they grow old looking like each other there's more to it than time. I remembered Jdt mentioning once that D and I looked alike and had many of the same gestures, that we made the same faces as we spoke. We hadn't been together, she was just giving me reasons why we should get together. I find it odd now because we didn't really spend that much time together. I wouldn't have had, even unconsciously, to mimic his behaviour (I'll assume he wouldn't mimic mine). I was aware of a single expression I briefly borrowed from him, "say whaaa...?", but that's it. Jdt referred to our faces, not our words. How odd... for a split second I thought of a Hawkman history with D and having learned such expressions in some life past where we were meant to be together. Oh boy...

Monday, 19 July 2010

Back from "there, there" duty

I had a long day today, waking up around 9am to get ready to go to the funeral, which, as it turns out, consists of people sitting around from 8am-2pm crying and praying around the coffin. Then there was mass, and a trip all the way north to the cemetery to go burn the corpse, a stop to buy food and more sitting around and crying at my aunt's house. Their God, the brainwashing!!! Mass is just so scary... the whole tradition that dictates what I did today is scary. Not to mention how macabre it is to carry around the dead body and pray around it. I'll just ignore the parts where people pretended my uncle actually deserved to go to heaven, I'll stick to believing it was all done for my aunt's peace of mind.

I texted AOB this morning for his birthday, which led to a little back and forth texting involving his existentialist crisis and what was in store for me today. I had to stop texting after a while when we left (but as it turns out, I ran out of credit, so I couldn't have gone on texting anyway). Later, in the afternoon, he texted me to tell me his friends had liked my company the other day, which gives me some petty social skills points. At night, he called but I had my phone silent all day and didn't realise until I got back an hour later. I tried calling and texting from my sister's phone, but he didn't answer, so I left a few IM's. I did say, for the record, that his crisis deserves either a girl or a beer, and since I can't buy a girl (unless he wants a mail bride) I offered to buy him a beer (which could, under paranoia, be sort of like getting him a girl). It's likely they were going out tonight and he was going to ask me to come along... but we're still trying to put together a Mario Party evening, so there's also that to look forward to.

Sunday, 18 July 2010


My uncle died, the one married to my aunt MT. It happened sometime between 9-10am, my aunt came back from church and found him lying dead on the floor. If you ask me, I'll bet years of watching CSI and Criminal Minds on a heart attack. It's the kind of thing you can "see coming", and he must've been walking to get some nitro under his tongue. It's highly unlikely, knowing what a potato couch my uncle was, that he was walking somewhere and suddenly got a stroke. Either way, the man was a ticking time bomb. Either way, my aunt will be a wreck, both because she probably had something like Stockholm syndrom and was inexplicably fond of the old roach, so she might try blaming herself; and because I'm sure she'll be relieved of not having the grumpy, old ogre-roach to be a pain in the ass and it will make her feel guilty.

Truth is my uncle was, as far as anyone who knew him in my family is concerned, a pain in the ass. He never saved any of his money so he could retire and get some back, he was incredibly cheap and greedy, he had a mistress, he didn't even try to pay for my cousins' education, he was rude, he was ungrateful, he ruined everything he touched, he was awfully stupid (he believed in spam emails and considered a snail farm), and even went out of his way to be annoying to whomever was around. The old man deserved none of the things he got, not having my aunt clean up after him, cook for him, give him money, take care of him and put up with his crap. I don't really care if she used to be a Narcissa Malfoy, my aunt is the nicest old lady I know and there's no way it's fair for her to have gotten the treatment she did (not from my uncle, not from my cousins) and for her to have done half of the things she pulled off.

So, I'll be stuck in a funeral tomorrow, praying, if only for the sake of their peace of mind, and trying not to fall asleep. FUN.

Saturday, 17 July 2010

On weddingss, and some bits of a social life (not so sure it's mine, though)

So... I didn't feel like writing earlier (not at 3am, not at 2pm), but I thought I might as well. I was out with AOB and some doctors-in-progress friends of his. The plan, initially, was to get some guy who came all the way from Philadelphia to go out. The weather sucked, I can't remember a day when it rained nonstop like that except that one in Ctg when a hurricane was close and they had to cancel school. AOB picked me up, we stopped at his place to get the car back, hopped on a cab and met his friends outside a pub. We gathered under an umbrella, chatted for a bit, went in, got out, and ended up in some guy's place, drinking, talking, and remembering crappy music. I actually had a good time.

I'll elaborate: first, a few notes on AOB's friends. One of them (as it turned out, the youngest one at 19, having started studying medicine at 15....freaking 15!!!) was a girl who seemed a little desperate to get a guy. Very much a school girl, a little amateur makeup (even I could tell, one eye was darker than the other) trying to disguise quite a bit of acne with quite a lot of foundation. It turned out she was dating another guy. To be honest, I think he's only staying with her because she's somewhat naïve and would ditch her at the chance of getting someone better (or worse, he wouldn't). There was also this wannabe-cool guy, who brought a friend he left early with. I couldn't help but mention out loud (after they left, but possibly still making a not so good impression) that she was wearing very high heels and couldn't walk very well in them, her feet wobbled. There was also the shy, (let's not deny it) poor-er guy. I'd already met him that one time when AOB gave me a ride home, but that time he was quiet most of the time. This time he opened up a bit more, and got teased a lot by the others (what does that tell you?). They kept pouring drinks for him and making him drink them, and he'd look weird and then accept them.

When we first met I started off (which probably wasn't that good an idea, until I almost got too Sheldon-esque explaining why the liquour wouldn't come out of a bottle unless you let some air in as the liquid came out) by excusing any excessive nerdiness with the fact that I was a mathematician. At first, when we stood outside in the rain, I didn't really talk much, except to AOB and a little to the others when I retold my sister's graduation ceremony. It made me ever so slightly awkward to have AOB come to my side when others came and got in between. You'd think it's cool if we're not right next to each other, on the one hand, because I suppose I was expected to blend in and not need the "shield". On the other hand, I can understand why he talked to me, precisely because I'm not that sociable. I get it, and yet it was a little weird.

We stopped to buy drinks and then settled at AOB's friend's house. It was a little weird at first, because they couldn't stop talking about medicine, which was a little alienating, but I mocked them a little, and the girl (gotta be grateful, actually) tried hard to help me fit in, or at least understand the medical jargon in their anecdotes, which was really nice of her.

I stuck to drinking Coca Cola, which surprisingly seemed to be alright by them, though one of them said AOB had asked to buy light beers for me. I've decided he was just teasing me, and I'm glad they didn't try to coax me into drinking like they did AOB (sometimes) and his shy friend (a lot). AOB was sleepy 80% of the time on that couch, and I'm afraid he was a little lost in the conversations, both because he didn't know the culture (we went as far as discussing old soap operas) and he was a little too sleepy to care. I feel bad because I think he might've wanted to leave earlier (he moved sometime last week and is now 10min away) and get some sleep, but stayed because I was still talking a lot.

He got on a cab with me and made sure I was dropped off before him. There was a seriously awkward moment when he told the cab driver to wait as I got out and got out of the cab too, only to wave me goodbye and get back in the cab. Wee-ird . I love the fact that I don't have to kiss him, ever, and it's what makes me so comfortable around him. In those terms, it was an unnecessary gesture to get out and watch me walk to the neighbourhood's gate and wave goodbyee from outside the cab. Offering to give me the molecular puzzle-game pegs, I'll take as a joke. Telling me his mum, uncles and cousins coaxed him into getting drunk and driving drunk was him being his usual honest self. Telling me he's kinda sick of J2 too (as it turns out, he's also had to sit through the marriage conversations) just tells me he's human. The cab thing, still awkward.

I texted him to make sure he got home alright and wasn't overcharged (not ridiculously, anyway) and we sent a few more texts regarding the shower I attended, the doorman/watchman being asleep and my little one being cold when I got home. I thought my last text went unanswered, but he IM-ed a youtube video of reviews for Inception, a film he said he wanted to watch. I only found out around 2pm. Here's cue No. 2 to feel bad, after telling him about my last conversation with EBF, however briefly, it should be obvious I'm using AOB as a replacement of sorts. Only we're not that close (ever). Funny thing is, I was online when I got home, hoping to find him online too, for a good while. He answered my text fairly late, so I just figured he was sleepy and had gone straight to bed. I did say we should do something for his birthday though, and he agreed, sort of. I do look forward to it, it should be nice to see him again.

That aside, I was at that shower from 6-10pm. It sucked, only less so, because men eventually got there and I gotta grant the fact that my uncle and my cousins' boyfriends have a great sense of humour, because bedsheets and related items are simply not all that fun. Ever. The food wasn't very nice, the meeting took forever because the men were buying electronic appliances and it was a little awkward with the cousin my parents owe money to. Oh yeah, and the fact that no one really talked to us... they talked about us, yeah, but not really to us all that much. And my mum left to go smoke a couple of times, so I really had nothing better to do other than tell my sister not to move so much, trying hard not to yawn and looking around. I'll hate having to do it again, because I know another shower's (at least one more for me, I'm told plenty more for my cousin) are in store.

The whole idea of marriage, especially to the extent that it will be carried out for my cousin, I find ridiculous. Except for the whole "nice guy wins" moral of their story, if the marriage works out (something tells me, as nice as he is, the poor guy is settling for my cousin and just got caught up in the whole thing), it's just too much. Let's begin by the fact that they had to be lectured by priests and get a diploma certifying their marriage is "solid" in its religious foundations. Then, let's consider the awful civil ceremony and how that evil woman (I only call her evil because she was so extremely conservative I'm sure she hates half of everyone she meets without real reasons) talked about how they're expected to have children and live by certain rules, and never cheat, and be everything a man and a woman are supposed to be.

Now let's think of how the only way people are expected to get by is by getting married so they can rely on strangers to get washing machines, refrigerators, kitchen utensils, pots, pans, tablecloths, linen, cutlery, doormats, dishes and whatever else you need in daily life. Screw old maids and all singletons, they'll have to work for their stuff, never mind gay people (at least in this country). It's just wrong. And I'm not going to bother much with all the family dirt that resurfaces in big gatherings like these. Come on... my mum was a clown in the shower, and my aunt only joined so it wouldn't look so much like it. It was fairly obvious we were the "poor ones" in the party and it just didn't look good. It will be even more so at the wedding. Ugh!!! I just wish there were someone I could talk to about all this.

I unofficially rename weddings weirddings.

Thursday, 15 July 2010


I had a dream where I was with this country's future president and his wife. He said she'd been looking for me, and, to be honest, it seemed like he was setting me up for something. He told me to join her in some room (hotel room? the doors had numbers, but it looked home-y) where I found her getting some new cushion covers out to change the ones that were out. I believe that was one of her son's room, but I was intended to stay in it. The conversation stayed on the civil side, and yet I got the feeling that she was trying to undermine me.

Wednesday, 14 July 2010


Several dreams last night, at least one of them sort of Freudian. That one started by a pool. I was wearing a yellow bikini and I'd forgotten to shave my legs. After switching pools once or twice I settled for laying down to get a sunbath near a pool EBF was in with N2. I covered my face with a dark blue towel. It was EBF's anniversary with N2, a Saturday, but for some reason EBF and I went out. Mostly we just walked about, I remember being in his house (at least at the door, and I asked if I should lock it), passing by a doorman and settling someplace in university where a woman who looked like she did manicures dealt cards for EBF to play. I was uncomfortable. We didn't really talk, we didn't really engage in conversation or even look at each other much. I told him more than once that he should be out with N2, with it being their anniversary and all, but he argued something about books and how Saturdays related to their reading. It had something to do with N2 not reading books he recommended, though he read books she liked. Not sure it was all that important.

I noticed one thing in his behaviour: the way he talked to people and guessed at their next moves, he seemed to expect people to be like him. I can't phrase that any better, I'm afraid. Near the end (or the last bit I remember) of this dream the card-dealing woman talked to me about EBF's playing style. I mentioned I used to play cards with him. She later asked if I had a motorolla adapter for her to charge her cellphone. I didn't, and the ones in the room were being used by university techies so I let her use my battery instead. When I turned her phone on, lots of internet explorer windows opened up. I should probably note that this took place sometime before he left the country.

In another dream, I was in school1's library and I was trying to find a particular image in a book for someone else to see. I had to get the book out of a case of sorts (only it looked like a stuffed animal, or a green pillow) and apparently the way to do it without ruining the book was with a magic spell sort of like kame kame ha, only it had something to do with mornings. I had to wear special gloves for this, they were white and leathery, only if I wore them long enough they melted and stuck to my hands, like latex gloves, slowly becoming invisible. The book was in a plastic bag, and the librarian warned me not to open it. I promised I'd pay for a new book if I ruined that one, and made sure not to touch the book without glovesl. I was looking for a particular image of Piccolo, but I never found it. When I was done looking in the book, the now valuable item was a dark and sombre looking doll. It was supposed to be Paul Klee's and the librarian wanted him to come by. So she dressed the doll in Santa's clothes and it actually worked. Somehow, the book had turned into the doll, because I was aware of the fact that I'd be the one to pay for a ruined doll/book even though it wasn't really me wo ruined it.

Possibly a follow up from that dream is a scene where I'm with lots of girls and Paul Klee, who started dancing and singing as we walked by a park here in Bta. It was starting to get dark, I was ahead with Paul and some other girl and about 15-20 others came behind us. Odd thing is, as we walked by some bushes where I could see a dark figure (one I guessed must be a thief) he jumped on me. He grabbed me and everyone just kept on walking, both people ahead and behind. We'd just passed a couple of policemen so I yelled for their help, but the people to come were two young men. One of them might've been D. Eventually, the police came, but by then we'd already pinned the thief to the floor.

There was another dream where I was in a warm climate hotel with A and N1, we were unpacking and turning air conditioning on in all rooms we were in. I can't follow up much on this one.

I had another dream where I was in university, in a repetition of the G10n classrooms which spiraled in such a way that there were one floor on top of the other, all the same. I was looking for a support group. There was a meth/heroin support group in a lower floor, but I left it because it was just too much and there were very few people there.

I seem to remember another dream, one taking place here in Bta, in the plains. A sort of battleground. Some people who'd been missing and had been reported dead had turned out to just been hiding up in a mountain, only now they were running out of food and water. Can't remember much, other than the violent setting.

...That's about all I remember... The dream with EBF? Freudian, in the sense that I sort of still wish there had been a more proper good bye. Realistic enough, though, to realise just how awkward and uncomfortable it really would've been. It'll have to do. The dream with D (maybe) I won't worry much about, I think. I believe it's the result of being in a bus where some thief actually pulled a knife on someone else, which resulted in an odd scream and people stopping the bus to try and run after them (to no avail, I'm afraid). To be honest, the odd scream sounded more like a madperson and I was determined not to look back. I didn't realise what was going on until some man chased after them leaving his belongings in the bus. It was both comforting and scary to know thieves were pulling knives on people just a few blocks from where I live, and that the regular citizens were so justice bound as to chase people with knives to try and help the one being robbed. I suppose I just feel lucky/guilty that it wasn't me and realise it's bound to be me next, sooner than later.

Tuesday, 13 July 2010


I had a dream about one last night. He was tall, tanned, very short hair and was kind of handsome, except for the part where he's derranged. I was at a hotel, or some other place where lots of strangers gathered and there was security. This psycho was extremely paranoid about everything and everyone and almost stabbed the actor who played Merriadoc. I talked to a guard and asked if there was anything they could do before he did something like that again, and he seemed to have an idea. I went back in for a while, and when the psycho walked by I tried to avoid eye contact, but couldn't completely ignore him (I couldn't stop being aware of where he was, that would've been stupid), so I looked at his shirt's neck. He exploded, he yelled at me and got really mad. Next thing I know I'm in a shed outside, in the dark, and I'm trying to lure him in along with the guard so we could lock him in. Not sure what happened next.

In another dream I was in an island with my parents and my cousins' family. The island wasn't nearly as flat as it actually is, and there was a lot of construction. My mum explained most of it as we walked up. I got vertigo every time we passed close to a bit where there was a cliff to the sea. The house had a few more floors and was all locked up. Outside, on the way there, I remember passing by on a motorboat my dad was driving and him trying not to get a woman with two kids in a tiny boat get wet.

In another dream I was in the house with my uncle and cousins, getting ready for the wedding. I found a blue lipstick and was so bored I ended up painting all my face with it. It was odd how it fet like a plastic/latex mask. When I took it off it seemed to be made out of magazine paper, including advertising for AVON nail polish and Bailey's shampoo and conditioner. Apparently, we had to get to the club really early, and we were already late. We were supposed to get ready there so my mum had me grab my stuff in a hurry before we left. When we left, we ended up in a field trip with A and her family, who'd brought along a bus-trailer (not a very clean one at that). That's about all I remember.

Saturday, 10 July 2010

Not working, is it?

All sorts of things happened in my dreams last night... D seemed to be the star, even though I thought I'd managed to keep him out of my waking thoughts.

In one, I was a succubus. I was in an old house where quite a lot of other people (most likely from Ctg) were and I chose D to come upstairs with me. It's weird that I was sometimes just "the camera" and I could see the succubus, a goth looking girl with long black hair and red extensions and odd clothes. Her clothes were basically very tight pantyhoses and a shirt version of pantyhoses, all black, meeting at her waist. She had two panties, which was sort of weird. Nothing actually happened, all was implied.

In another dream, though, I was in a big room (hotel room?) with D and a girl (jewish one from Ctg) came in and started asking questions about whether or not we'd done it. I looked at the bed and could remember having sex with D on it. I then looked at a huge mirror on a wall and remembered having sex with him again, this time looking at each other on the mirror.

In another dream (jeez, all about D last night...) I was chatting with A about a quake and about some stuff I'd found online. I'd found pictures and videos of D. He seemed to be drunk in all of them, and in one he was wearing nothing but a fairly long beard (couple of weeks worth, with his fast growing beard) and a red lumberjack's shirt. He was at a party, someplace loud and full of people, with some other guys. He appeared on camera stumbling, and the others asked him if he was ok and what he'd done with his pants. No censorship in this dream, I could see his genitals dangling below the opening left by the last bit of the shirt without buttons. I made no big deal out of it (it's not like I'd never seen them) but somehow what I'd found in Alb's facebook profile was evidence of something I wanted to show A (even though I was hesitant to show it to her).

In another dream there was a bit of a follow up to what happened above, as I talked to a guy from school1 (Spanish one) about a trip he was planning to take or had already taken. He said it was a great opportunity some friend had given him to go to Vietnam and work. If he could go with others, he'd be able to stay in a decent room. Somehow, it was implied he'd never gotten a degree. It might've led to another dream where I met people I was supposed to have been in some school with (some were from school1, most were strangers). It was a sort of fieldtrip and we were all asked to bring along a big pole and a sleeping bag. We were in a colonial Spanish house someplace in the rainforest and at some point in a red brick construction (not exactly a building, mostly just stairs and arches going up and down from the floor level) people started running, getting lost and getting hurt. I chased after them and found April Rhodes lying on the ground. I had to take off some rubber gloves I was wearing (pink ones, like the ones to wash the dishes with) to take her pulse. When I got her out of that construction over to grass, I saw she had a deep wound on her chest (right in the middle of it). I called for help and I could only get little girls with first aid kits. I yelled at them and told them I needed a real doctor, that they wouldn't be able to do anything for April. There was at least one doctor with the others back in the house, but he never came to April. I'm not sure whether or not she died but I left the place, pissed off and even left the pole and sleeping bag behind. Leaving the walls surrounding the house led to downtown Bta, and I figured I'd ask my mum to pick me up and use the fact that the others didn't know the city to my advantage. I passed a teacher on my way... she might've been a music teacher in Ctg, but I'm not sure... she looked like she came from Bta, short, brown very curly hair, fairly tanned skin.

The last thing I remember is being with N1 in Ctg (maybe). I remember she hadn't been able to bring her little brother along, so she'd decided to bring a picture of him and take pictures of "him" all over the place. We were someplace with lots of swimming pools where the guards recognised N1. I can''t get the idea that she was in a pageant of some sort out of my head.

Friday, 9 July 2010

Silver lining

I had an odd dream last night. I'll leave it for last this time before I forget the others. One was Criminal Minds based, there was this killer who had very strict rules about the kids he received. If he was mad, he'd send the kids back harmless, so Morgan talked to him on the phone and got him mad before I sent a boy in. If it means anything this killer lived in my grandmother's room and the boy was on my little one's bed. Most likely in this dream, JJ and Prentiss were in an airport. JJ and her daughter (I'm aware that the one in the series is a boy) had been living in the airport underneath a Juan Valdez, hoping for something to happen.

In another dream there was some other form of a sociopath. This one had very peculiar moral standards. I'm not sure what it is he did, but I remember a moment with 2 where 2 had refused to bend his moral at his will. It involved his gf. Later, he changed his mind and made some question that changed his standards (morally speaking). The sociopath made a point of it, and only agreed to answer or comply to whatever 2 said if he admitted he'd changed his moral standards. Somehow, it was kinda cool, the way that worked.

Dream number three then, and darn it! my mum woke me... It wasn't particularly pleasant, I just lost track of most of it because I woke up to her voice. She should've let the REM sleep be over, and my alarm clock go off on its own. Kurt Cobain was here, in my paren'ts bedroom, and his hair was short. It's important because I could see a silver line along his hairline in the back of his head, near his neck. This made him special, long before he became famous. I somehow knew he'd be famous later, and made a few questions about the silver line, which resulted in proving it was unique and a hug from him. I could tell people would want to touch me just because I touched him. Even more so if I'd hugged him. So strange... I had this song in the back of my head when I woke "Come, as you are, as you were, as you want me to be..."

I should probably note: I never saw what the big deal with Kurt Cobain was. I never cared much about him, and probably never will. I'll never admit to have bonded with him, his lyrics or his music the way some claim to have (almost in a spiritual way). I just don't think anything about him is that big a deal.

In some dream (possibly one of the above, possibly not) I was in university, and I talked to people about my schedule troubles and how I was starting classes a few classes on the missing side. The girl I sometimes study with and some guy friend of hers were there. AOB and I met, briefly, and talked about something we were supposed to do together. Up in a rooftop, lots of people were incredibly thirsty and they had to pour water in white or clear cups to make sure it stayed cold. It was heaven, considering the scorching sun. A was there.

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Fun fact

Jamie Oliver and Chris Colfer's Kurt Hummel (I've no idea what Chris Colfer's smile is like) smile the same way. Wickedly sweet and awesome.

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Maybe I do have a type

I had a few dreams last night. In one, MaA lent me a sex toy that shot water (or some liquid) to try. I told her I had little to no use for it but she insisted. Alan Rickman was in that dream.

In another dream a girl from Ctg (the one who claims to be related to Shakira) tried a bellydance show. It sucked, so I (kinda kindly) pointed out that there were a lot more moves in bellydancing and that she really shouldn't stomp when she walked while dancing, as it ruined the "mood". A few other girls (A and Jdt were there) agreed and started discussing Shimmy terminology (which was kinda funny, because it actually is funny and I helped make up some of the terms in my dream, like C-cups to point at breasts).

In another dream I was in school1 and there was this very young boy (I thought to myself he couldn't be even 12) whose body was covered in tattoos. I thought it was stupid, because people who tattoo themselves use tattoos as journals, and that kid had a lot to live and no space to record it. He was wanted for something in school, something to do with a sibling. I'm not sure why, but he started singing. A little pitchy, his song was lovely. Sometime before or right after singing he spoke with Jesse Spencer (which leads to the title, I'll explain later).

In another dream yet I was in a car with no doors, full of stuff about to fall off, driving around the city and trying to bump into something/someone.

I have a type, I realised, because if there's anything all men I've been interested in have in common is that they're all tall, awkward and have cool voices. Also, none of them look completely idiotic (which explains why Cory Monteith isn't in any list). Throw Jesse Spencer in and I have enough to go on to establish a pattern. D fits, 2-4 fit (never mind 5, never that interested), MGG fits, JS fits. I've never heard Galo speak (that I remember) but I'm pretty sure he'll fit.

Hadn't the heart

I was out with A and Cq on Saturday night. We were at the BBC. I drank a virgin piña colada and a Sprite (he he... if a sprite is a spirit, I sort of had a drink... oh well). I meant to give AOB a call, but I couldn't. J2 could've called him instead but he was away so... I had some fun, especially laughing at a group of overgrown idiots dressed in black with epic fail attempts at the Fabio look. I got a little paranoid when one turned a couple of times to look at me. We talked about people in school, I might've mentioned AOB a few times too many (mostly wishing he'd been there and could get a gf) which earned me a "you two should marry", followed by a "Cq and you should marry" and a joke question on my part asking Cq if he wanted kids, as it was a dealbreaker.

I was half hoping the whole time that D might be there, which kinda sucked. However, I think I've found a new find of madness. I'm trying to replace thoughts of D with thoughts of MGG. Just as insane, if not more so. But hardwiring my brain to go to him instead of D leaves enough room for me to realise how insanely stupid that idea is. When I think of D I still want to run into him and expect too much even from such an unlikely event. With MGG I know it's not gonna happen (not unless I'm suddenly rich, somewhat famous, living in LA and in a similar social circle). Watching him in an old Criminal Minds episode making out with a girl in a pool... oh wow... I'm hoping thoughts of D in a different pool won't interfere with that, though there are no actual kisses to remember there. Except for that one disaster evening when I arrived a litte late and he was all wet when we kissed hello. That was the day things started going downhill the first time, or so he argued, at any rate. (I've no idea why wet kisses are so appealing to me, btw).

Back to Saturday night, I briefly told Cq about AOB's little brother and just how unfair the whole situation is, as the only gossip I knew of. I found out A's friend (kite high all the time) found a girlfriend, Cq had the balls to ask a girl from school out (turned him down), a girl who's dating a teacher her dad's age, and we discussed people from school2 and who was hot and who wasn't. I told Cq and A about my last conversation with EBF and even Cq was surprised, asking if we really didn't talk anymore. That was that, regarding EBF. Even A had nothing to say. I suppose an "I told you so" might've crossed her mind at some point. In the end I felt uncomfortable, out of place and in the way because I couldn't really join most conversations (as they involved people I don't know), had none to start and couldn't keep a few comments to myself or make any that were amusing to A and Cq. I was a relief to get to leave first, even if the cabbie ripped me off.

I left AOB an IM asking if he was by any chance alive and in the city, hoping he'd be able to make it to BBC. He answered around 1am Sunday (about the time I got back, only I wasn't online) saying he'd be moving during this week and the next, and starting class again on Tuesday (which sucks). I miss him, and then again not quite because on some level I realise I'm using him as a replacement. I'd really like to hang out with him, though.

As a side note, I've been playing Mario Party (N64) with my sister these last few days. It's lots of fun, I'd love to have another two controllers and people to play with. I keep remembering the days when I played with D, Rf and MaA in Ctg. It was really amazing. When A briefly told Cq about pool BBQ evenings in Ctg I was nostalgic of D too. I even remembered MaA chose Mario, I chose Peach and D chose Luigi (I think Rf took Yoshi, I'm not too sure, though). MaA said (and heck if I know why I remember) that in the end it wasn't Mario who got Peach, but Luigi. I suppose I filed that all in under the D files along with so much I shouldn't bother remembering. I sort of busted my hand open with those "rotate the analog stick" games. That sucks. Darned white skin...

Monday, 5 July 2010


I had a dream about my cousins coming over from Florida on vacation. We talked about videogames and they were a bit condescending, saying even the toughest challenges were a piece of cake. We were in a parked car with my aunt when this conversation took place. Not sure it's important, or in any way supposed to mean anything. i also had a dream where I hid EBF from my facebook newsfeed. It seemed sensible enough so I did it (again) just now. Oh well...

Saturday, 3 July 2010

I'm pretty sure I forgot one, but never mind

I had at least three dreams last night: one, I can't remember; another involved Jamie Oliver picking a specific stage of insect from a plant (family bromilaceae) because of their taste; and in the other I was in another graduation ceremony for my sister, only this one took place in an all girls' school someplace out in the woods. It was very pretty, really... republican buildings under construction for classrooms and a hotel-like room for the ceremony. My mum was wearing the dress I intend to wear to my cousin's marriage. AOB was there and I got to talk to him and ask him to come with us tonight to the BBC. We'd borrowed Thor and were looking after him along with Tony. I remember someone asking me about Sdra, andd thinking to myself that D would've been as eager to leave the school as I was.

OK, I remembered, I think. Dream no. 1 involved D having a limp and walking about with a cane or crutches. I think the limp leg was his left one.

Thursday, 1 July 2010


Whatever dreams I had before the one I'm about to type are lost but this one was fairly amusing. It took place in the beach, involved several Simpsons characters as well as Dragon Ball Z characters and a few animals. Lisa was working with some boy on a project, and it turned out he was just using her to get a good grade. Something was accomplished (a level of randomness that served some other purpose) by asking people in the water (a lot of them) to get together with their friends. Marge chased Bart around asking him to do something, and after a while forbid a section of the beach (it was shaped like a 90º corner with a line of rocks shooting out of it) under the restriction that he (and sometimes I) be on my back to tan my front. An invisible barrier held the restriction in place. I (a dog) swam looking up, which was fairly amusing to imagine/see and even swam faster than a bird above could fly which was cool. Either Goku or Gohan was getting married/engaged. I'm pretty sure it was Gohan, because he was already living with his girlfriend up in the house that could only be reached with the magic pole and had a cloud sleeping bag. Whoever the girl was wanted this man to commit more, but when he finally complied, she refused to tan her front (what is it about tanning?), though her back was already tanned.

A few random thoughts

I've been watching "TABÚ" and I've been thinking of body modifications. I suppose I can "see" how subdermal silicone implants, tattoos, piercings and scars resemble regular plastic surgery. Only regular plastic surgery is aimed at making people look more and more (except in that lion woman's case, that's just as insane as the people in the show) like the model of whatever's most "mateable". Trying to look like a devil serves no purpose unless you actually feel that you're the devil and I'm afraid I'd have to side with psychiatrists wondering if that's a good thing. Sexual identity is a fairly different issue, though, at least you're still trying to stay human. I suppose it's as weird as furries are... why would you dress up and pretend to be an animal?

I compared the uselesness of these body modifications, whithin the limits of what's taboo, with people who drink urine and eat placenta. Some animals do that, after all (not that it's particularly good, though results can actually be measured). The only thing inherently wrong with eating human organs is the belief that you necessarily have to kill someone to get them. However, this problem is not present with placenta or urine, as they're both expelled from the body at some point or another. I tried to start this conversation with A... I suppose I walked right into that one.

On a different subject, lucid dreaming, I've read advice along the lines of asking yourself while you're awake if you're indeed awake, just to make sure that translates into asking yourself if you're awake when you're dreaming, which should contribute to the whole "lucid" part. I can't help but imagine you could accidentally wake up while awake, as if life as we know it were another dream. Dreams within dreams aren't that unusual. I wonder what the life you'd wake up to would be, and I always think of The Matrix.

I miss having someone to talk to.