## Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Dreams last night were crazy... In one I was in university, only it was a huge building made of glass and there was some kinf or party going on. If I entered the party room, I'd be greeted on any entrance by some man with a cocktail. I walked around with someone else (A, maybe) and joked about getting drunk but the men at the doors were very serious about not giving anyone enough cocktails to get them drunk. Except for a short scene in a bathroom where I locked myself up in a cubicle and felt self-conscious because I could hear lots of people come and go, there's nothing more to that dream.

In another dream, I was chatting with D (IM). He was trying to hint at something, and started sentences in a weird mixture of German, japanese and whatever language is spoken in Hawaii. I was trying to read into it and think he was saying something along the lines of "I like/love you", but I never made anything out of it. He sent me a link to a wikipedia article where the words used were explained. One of them had lots of k's... kaken, kakean, something like that. It ended in an n because I thought it might be a German verb. Another one I can't remember, and a third linked to a picture of a tiki goddess, Buruliki (or something like that, I'm sure it started with B) she was called. I could also see a small circle with tiny "islands" on the bottom right of my screen. It was a web navigation map, and the islands spiraled out. Clicking on any island led to a different link on the article. So... classical mindfuck: D says something that might as well mean "I'm with the feathered dog" and I try to read whatever I wish were true.

Probably stemming from the last dream, as I remember being in a large, empty school classroom with tall windows flooding the room with light, madness (and a litte hilarity) ensued: there was a huge jet of water (large enough to resemble a wall-less tunnel) and cartoons swam in it. In particular, a very pumped up woman holding a baby (both drawn Family Guy style) and what's best is the baby (in my dream it went for all babies) spoke in British English, like Stewie.

In another dream, I was with about 4 other people I can't remember now. We were invited to some place or other by a group of people/creatures. Somehow, I figured they were fairies and were trying to get us to eat their food so they'd trap us forever. The odd thing is, I think we went in and tried food, I figured things out and we got to start all over again and I got to warn the others. It resulted in the image of a pregnant woman trying to run out a door (it looked a lot like the entrance out of the mall my aunt's shop is, leading to the bakery). For the record, fairies in my dream were human sized. (Or, we'd been shrunk).

## Tuesday, 29 June 2010

### *chuckle*

I was wearing one of those oversized (a.k.a. my dad's) grey sweaters today with jeans I hadn't worn in years (just because I found'em and didn't feel like looking for anything else). I didn't look my best, to make it short. However, when I was out running errands (I hate banks) I walked by some guy, and not just the usual street perv. About my age, I reckon, and not cheesy looking, which I suppose is saying a lot these days. Not particularly handsome or in any way attractive. What made me notice him (aside from the fact that I was walking in his general direction) was the fact that he gave me a "how you doin'?" quick would-I-shag-you scan and it was so easy to figure what he was thinking. Anyway, I think it went a little like this: "scanning... ... ... complete. processing... ... ... complete. evaluating ... ... ... complete. result: i'd hit that" and as I thought that out I could only chuckle.

Doesn't say much about Mr. Scan, though does it?

### A's friend

I had two dreams (at least) last night. In one, Jamie Oliver drove a sea leopard driving a skiing helicopter and he was trying to make the greatest possible splash in the sea. He only accomplished this by nearly killing himself and placing himself in a more aerodynamic position.

In another dream, A and I were going out with her friend (the one who's waaay too high most of the time). He was interested in a girl who was going out with some foreigner, so we were arranging to get both of them to go out with us somewhere. A talked to him standing outside a treehouse he was in. Sometime before, I was in a taxi with A, another friend of hers (JD) who was sometimes someone else (Jr) and Vc. There was some trick involving a $2000 pesos bill they placed on the window and wouldn't fly off, and there was a conversation regarding what you could do with your bills. A changed the crappy$2000 bill for a crisp $5000 and they explained you were allowed to mess around with bigger bills more, but weren't allowed to change them as much, or something like that. A and I went to fetch her friend from the treehouse and meet the others wherever the taxi was headed. A's friend had crutches, was dressed all in white and had a lot of pimples (I'd almost say it looked like chickenpox) and tiny eyes. I tried not to stare when he got out and said hi. He then got on A's back, who carried him (through school1) to a room where the others were waiting. I had time to wish I had a friend who was that confident in me (for a piggy back ride) before the alarm went off. I woke up with the James Blunt "you're beautiful, you're beautiful, you're beautiful, that's true..." I'll blame this dream on conversations last night about going out for drinks with Cq. ## Monday, 28 June 2010 ### Not sure what that was about It was odd... I had a dream about my cousin (the one getting married) and her fiancé getting into a fight. Apparently, they thought they were alone in an apartment, though actually my mum, some other woman and I were in another room listening to them. I could hear them start the argument because they were about to have sex and my cousin was upset with how her fiancé kept trying to please her, she ridiculed his attitude. Very weird conversation to eavesdrop on. In another dream, my old biology teacher from school1 was grading exams and handing them out near the school cafeteria. I was a little anxious, but I think that was the end of that. Possibly from the dream above, or some other dream, I was with my dreaded Spanish-social studies teacher from (again) school1 and she was making us analyse a painting. The painting had lots of angels, and it was an interpretation of a text. Apparently, once you read the text the "christian way" you never went back, and we'd been immediately introduced to the angel reading of the text instead of the regular one. Apparently, there was a description of something very much like christian hell, only it didn't have to be hell. Blame this one on watching, however briefly, the christian analysis of TLOTR on THC. There was also a part where she (the teacher) took a paper I'd written and made me explain some line of thought carried out through rectangles, ovals and permutations of the corners in the rectangles drawn over the painting. I grew very uncomfortable and whatever sense the paper made when I wrote it, it was stupid when I tried explaining it. One more thing: when I woke up I had Amber Reilly's voice in my head singing "you're gonna love me". ## Saturday, 26 June 2010 ### Karaoke Goddarnit! I can't remember anything from last night's dream and I'm pretty sure there was something really cool in there somewhere. I might've been around MGG, but nothing's for certain. My mum woke me up to get ready for my sister's graduation ceremony. It was so incredibly lame!!! The anthems were played with a video that showed lyrics for people to sing along, and when the lyrics were too low in the screen, no one sang. Awful... But then there was the speech by the school owner, something about how techonology is no good for people because it ruins their communication skills. So outta line, so full of gramatical mistakes and so freaking boring! Then the emotional speech by some two girls who seemed to enjoy themeselves in school and were crying at the thought of never going back, losers. And the parents' choir... that was just embarrassing. As I looked for my black pants (which I never found) a song kept playing in the back of my head, though it's been a long time since I last listened to it: "corazón con caparazón de rocas" ♪. ## Friday, 25 June 2010 ### On twitter A opened a twitter account and is now following me, which means before I let her read anything I'd better get rid of everything I wouldn't want her to read (into). Some, I'm not quite ready to part with and I haven't somehow got on the blog, so I'll just make sure they're here anyway: feeling (so much) emptier than Mrs. Dalloway... via web looking forward to Saturday, to cook and eat tons of mexican food via web had a micro-epiphany today... just some insight into what makes up part of my weird nature... via web too many flashbacks when all I need is a flashforward via web three molars lighter via web ...odio a la burocracia... y al sistema... y a los ladrones... sobre todo a mi mala suerte... via web what is there to write? what is there to tell? what is there to know? via web Just for the record, that right there was my first tweet. I'm choosing to delete it, just because, really. I left in the "Goodbye then." *crickets* tweet, because A won't necessarily get it, or ask anything if she does. A brief fun fact for the sake of my amusement only: A and I went to buy the buttons, but they hadn't arrived yet. ### Dreams in dreams I had a dream last night where I left on my own to buy the Vladdo buttons. I went waaay too far south and walked a fairly long way to A's university, as I saw Vladdo with bags of buttons going into a small copying place. Downtown I could see one of A's friends from school (short hair) and she and her friends were giving watchmen and candy vendors gifts. The buttons I was looking for hadn't arrived yet, and my mum got really annoying saying I was very late. A ended up meeting me when I was trying to choose t-shirts for both of us (one blue, the other yellow). I paid with my savings account, A wrote something like a check to pay me back (it was$33,000+).

In another dream I had a déjà vu moment because I saw a girl from school2 getting a haircut from whatever hair salon I used to frequent and it happened again, only the next time I had someone else to fill in on how I'd already seen it. My mum started talking about some kind of performance she did when she was younger, singing a song very unlike her. We were in the apartment near the sea, and I went to the kitchen for a moment, only to find a very zombified Mgrt there. I asked how she was doing, what was wrong and she just said she was ok (which was clearly not the case). My mum joined me in the kitchen and I spoke to her in German, trying to tell her something was wrong with Mgrt. At some point, in the living room, we (small group of people, not sure I remember 3 people there) started watching something on television. N1 pointed at someone at the right of the television and asked me who it was, but I saw no one. I later said it was my dad, and later yet saw a drag queen (tanned, dressed in white with blonde hair).

I also had a dream where I walked down a street with designer's shops and I stopped by some woman's shop who was talking about her designs. I remember a mother of pearl necklace (very nice, lots of 1cm²x1mm cutouts of a certain figure) and her talking about flipflops and how they could be classy if they didn't make much of a sound.

In another dream I talked to EBF, which is to say, he left me a message. I was tempted to take that as my cue to send in a link to the "Read First" post, but I then realised what he'd sent was addressed at several others and a few (2-3) had already commented on what he'd written (which would expose the blog to lots of people). That was that, I think.

## Thursday, 24 June 2010

### Too much TV?

I had a dream where my uncle (with the cool stache) was very sick/dying/dead. Ross Geller was in my house when I heard the news. I went with my aunt, my cousins (on his side) and a few others to a club where they would play golf. The sun was setting and it was starting to get dark. One of my cousins said she'd taken some golf ball after another match because there was gold in it, and I said there was gold in all of them to make them move better (which I'm not sure is true but I thought I'd gotten from THC). Some thugs tried emptying an ATM machine that had been left on its own in a basketball court when it was dark. Apparently the club's security was top notch and they got caught.

In another dream I was in a small city, something like the city inside the wall in Ctg, only more mediterranean looking and with lots of black and indian people. There was something of a riot where people wearing certain colours had to rush to a square and join a certain person. People in bright blue had to follow a drag queen and apparently they were persecuted for it. When I got to the square there was room for green people to join Antanas.

In another dream I talked to AOB, who said he was actually away in Trinidad/Tobago.

## Wednesday, 23 June 2010

### Under construction

A is the one going to Ctg and I keep dreaming about it... well, for starters, today's soundtrack to wake up to was "hello, is it me you're looking for?"♪. There were a few things going on... My grandfather's house in Vta was under construction, I was impatient and even asked my dad if there was something I could do to help speed up the work. I think a friend of my dad's was helping with the work, possibly the one I thought looked like Cat Stevens.

Elsewhere I walked around the city and saw people with posters of Meep and alleged quotes by EBF (sarcastic and obvious, I remember one saying "geniuses are genius" or something like that). I also remember walking down a dry path in the countryside with a boy and a girl (brothers) who used to be my neighbours and go to the school1. They were proAntanas and one of them mentioned a riot/violent act in the city that had was the new president's fault. A golden labrador (dark golden, actually) nabbed at my hand (I had a sweater on) asking for me to pet it.

From another dream, I remember a fancy dinner and helping serve something green (might've been spinach and pasta, or potatoes). It might've been placed in t he 50s, if you consider people's clothes. There was a part in that dream where I think I (or someone else I was briefly) played the sax, but I got locked up in a room and someone came to my help (and defense... I think we were in some kind of school and I was being grounded). I think I lent the people (a boy and a girl) something. I remember looking at a block of letters which were supposed to read as music andd not being able to make much of it.

In another dream I was in the 4 story house near the beach, my family, A and one of the twin girls from school were there. A had hurt her hand, or the other girl, and they were discussing nerve damage as the other had already sustained a similar injury. It was someplace in the hand, at the base of the ring finger (most likely related to A's real injury). Outside, I was supposed to kiss D before he finished smoking a cigarette, which I failed to do, so he wouldn't kiss me... Stupid "games" made it into my dreams... Inside the house, my dad was organising something downstairs and I asked him what I could help bring. He asked me to bring snickers (chocolates), his pillow with a "b o o m" pillowcase on (I could see the typed "o o" for some reason), and possibly a DVD to play. My mum woke me up, so I'm no longer sure.

Hold on, there was another dream, this one was set in the apartment by the bay and Mgrt was there. My dad was a thief, he was stealing money I don't know from where and I was worried my uncle would eventually find out. I thought about this looking out the window around the jacuzzi. Mgrt might've been there to help with a dinner party.

As a side note, I wonder if the buildings under construction have anything to do with my dad helping my cousins' grandfather with his "resort" thing in Ctg. I'll have to check, but I'm pretty sure dreams about construction go further back than the news of the real construction site.

## Monday, 21 June 2010

### Disturbing food

I had a dream last night where Jamie Oliver had spent time with an odd group of people who cut pieces out of a live cow and ate them. He went for the cow to cut a piece of intestine to eat, and I remember asking one of the women there if it hurt the cow and whether it would grow back (the intestine). She said that particular cow was more resistant to pain and that its intestine would indeed grow back. The whole idea is still disturbing.

In some other dream I met the glee characters in a beauty salong run by the Rachel's mum. Can't remember what, but something was up with Finn and Puck.

In another dream I was with A and N1, and some guy who was after N1, a bit creepy.

In yet another dream I was with Auron and others on a space trip. Not sure what happened there, but someone managed to travel in a bag.

## Sunday, 20 June 2010

### Kinda early, but not really (rant)

I'm calling it:
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!

As soon as I see them I'm buying one of the "A MÍ NO ME MIRE, YO VOTÉ POR MOCKUS" buttons.

Also, I got stuck in a conversation about politics with J2.... Where's AOB when you need him? I need a fresh conversation, it seems conversations with J2 are stale even before they start...he goes for every cliché, needs every explanation and asks every question even when he's already been given answers. Not to mention my slight paranoia... I'm starting to think the whole stopping mid-conversation and leaving is some kind of strategy to keep me "wanting more". The thing is, even when I'm typing a lot, and often, I'm not particularly interested and I mostly feel (whether he notices it or not) that I'm telling him off. I'm fed up and never look forward to such conversations, if I'm supposed to want more it's not working. Where's AOB to talk about smurfs, Nietzsche and chocolate? Where was he when I texted? He's nowhere to be found and I really look forward to talking to him!

### Fairly random

Two things, my little one woke me up at 3:30am today and I couldn't get the glee "Lean on me, when you're not strong..." ♪ song out of my head. When I woke I had a very strong sense that something had been taken from me. Which might as well be an anticipation of how frustrated I'll be if Santos wins the elections and we're not even close to tying.

### I wasn't going to write anything, but...

I might as well, right? Even if I don't really remember all that much, it was sort of nice to wake up to. I had a dream involving D. I can't even remember what about him exactly, except that we could've ended up together, if I'd finished the dream (my mum woke me up to tell me she was leaving). I can't fucking remember... maybe we'd agreed to meet sometime later in the dream, I'm quite sure I didn't see him much.

## Saturday, 19 June 2010

### Hats

I need hats, it only makes sense. I'd be a Mad Hatter and I'd have a chance at justification. I'm going mad... I'm obsessed with D, because I can't get my mind off of the stupid bets I make with myself, and in particular I remember the time when one of D's friends suddenly decided to greet me for my birthday (might've been this year, might've been the year before that). Out of the blue, completely. I haven't spoken to him in years... more years than since I last spoke with D... possibly not since he told me D had a crush on some other girl a few days before D first broke up with me. And that was... well, I was only 15 then, so over 6 years.

The thing is I started thinking maybe it was somehow D trying to reach out and all it took was congratulating his friend (whose birthday is on the 18th, right after mine) in return. I couldn't do it. Never mind how weird it would be to write anything, I knew I'd be expecting something that couldn't happen. See, the problem is, even now I wonder if it would have. I wonder if it was indeed D and all I had to do was congratulate his friend. I know rationally it makes absolutely no sense, and yet deep down I'm thinking it might've been just like D to come up with a weird game/condition like that. And I don't know D! I really don't! Never have, and I don't suppose I ever will. Even if I once did, in any way, it's been so long, I can't rely on any old information and I have no new information available tto me. I know nothing, and still hope for so much, so late, so impossible. Ridiculous, is what it is.

I wonder if I hold on to D because there's nothing else to hold on to, no one else to want. Which leads to asking myself if I hold on to D as a mating partner, a soulmate, a chance at company or something else. It's not exactly true I've no other choices when it comes to those, I just insist on having D no matter what, even when he's not really there, he's not an option. Why stick to him? I could try playing along when I notice men who're interested in me, only I'm never interested in those.

The few men I might be interested in aren't available, and there's just no point in breaking up a perfectly good (I have to assume) relationship for the sake of curiosity. And then there's AOB and J2... I wouldn't consider them, even though I can sort of see (not really, I tell myself rationally) what should make them attractive. J2 I just can't bear... And AOB... I've written about him before. I have a hunch that it might work, if only I didn't have so much to nitpick about him and I didn't go back to thinking of D all the time.

I could, of course, go out and meet more people, if I had a clue. I texted AOB on Wednesday to see if we could do something this week before Sunday and he never answered. So um... yeah, no social life. And I don't suppose I'll meet anyone at my aunt's shop, or when I go out to vote, or at my cousin's wedding. A's going away to Ctg and I'm not sure... who am I kidding? I'm sure we won't be going out, even when she gets back. I'm not even considering the girls from school1. Right...

## Friday, 18 June 2010

### Rapunzel

I had a dream last night where a cousin was locked up in a tower inside a tower (?), I went up and down the stairs to talk to her and tell her it was safe to go out. Sometimes her hair was very long, sometimes it was not on her head, but hanging from a window. Later we talked and she told me her boyfriend had been coaxing her and blackmailing her to make her vote for the liberal presidential candidate, which meant she'd have to vote for Santos now. I said that wasn't necessarily true, as those who voted for Pardo weren't officially tied down to any candidate, but felt it wrong to voice my opinion. Later yet we all sat by a swimming pool, and after a bit I jumped in, because I was hot. They all looked at me astonished and said it wasn't safe, that they'd be cleaning the pool. Also, there was an odd man creature, a ball of hair that yelled gibberish. I wanted to swim quite badly, not sure why.

## Thursday, 17 June 2010

### Prison

Blame it on having to go downtown with my sister to hand in her university papers and waking up early for it. I can't remember the other dreams I had last night and I only just remembered to write this one down. I had a dream last night about being in prison. Sometimes I was myself, sometimes Natalie Portman (or a character like her, I think I might've borrowed Evee), my hair had been cut and I was in prison, or a mental institution (which I reckon aren't too different). Some latino man bullied me around and threatened to hurt me, kill me, or somehow make my life miserable. I didn't pretend not to care, I honestly didn't. I got away from him and walked around a rectangular balcony made of dark wood looking into an empty space, in the inside of a building. Other women were sitting on the floor, wearing dirty Dobby-ish gowns, and they each had a piece of paper to draw what they were asked to draw. I refused to do anything I was told. Some other girl started drawing on my piece of paper to try and get me out of trouble, but she was reprimanded. I drew in a cursive L, though I don't think that's what I intended it to be.

Oh, I also had a dream where I found out Turk and JD from Scrubbs were actually gay and would spend 60% of their lives together (idk why I got that figure, but it was given me for me to guess who one of the two would spend that much time with and I later found out they were an item).

I seem to remember some other dream that had something to do with imprisonment, but I can no longer remember.

## Wednesday, 16 June 2010

### I'm not the one leaving

I had a dream about being in Ctg. Vaguely, I remember being with Mark Salling and the black girl from school1, near the beach in front of the hospital, on a strip of grass. Mark held me, and I held the other girl, forming a very tall human pole. The height made me dizzy. I told them so, and we started moving down. This girl seemed to know exactly what to do, I was personally at a loss, and didn't understand why we had to invert the order we were in. Once I was down, I lay on the grass for a bit, still dizzy, and to calm me down Mark gave me a kiss. I brushed it off with the back of my hand. In my dream, Mark was still the stud he is now, only he came from Bta. He somehow lost his luggage and money in the airport in Ctg and someone else's driver took pity on him and took him to the nursing home Mark's grandfather was in. Apparently, the old man was an alcoholic, but managed to help Mark anyway. He was then a rich kid broght to rags, but self sufficient and cool enough to pull off getting back on his feet after losing almost everything. Some other time, Mark was sitting on my left and some other (glee?) girl on my right in a car, and Mark put his head on my breasts, using them as pillows. Uncomfortable, but I didn't mind in the dream.

In another dream I was in school1 to take university classes, only with school1 teachers. I was overjoyed to find Mr. Flaherty was teaching there again, then let down when I found out I was stuck with the woman who taught us about computers and looked a little like a fish. I couldn't read my own handwriting when I tried to check if I was indeed supposed to be in her classroom, so I checked the other possibility ( a 3 looked like a 5 ) but it turned out everyone there was older than me.

In another dream, I was with some european or maybe american girl who was visiting, and we were in a bakery. As we left, my sister went after us to say they were giving away socks for free. We both went back inside. The girl I was with picked two green shirts and I took a blue bathing suit. My sister took a really long time to pick something. We ended up in another floor, searching through bags with clothes and necklaces in them. The clothes were all animal themed, and were apparently very fashionable and famous. My sister wanted a very particular kind and I found nothing. I do remember one themed with Disney's Little Mermaid... somehow it unfolded to reveal smaller and smaller mermaids, shells and crabs. really cool. A friend of my dad's (the one who lives in New Jersey) went looking for us and my sister had to pick something in a hurry. My mum was waiting for us in a car, apparently.

In yet another dream, I was in a mall with A and we went into a shop (Sisley). Tim Gunn was trying out a red dress (size 6) which he loved and took with him (only he didn't, later he came back to speak with the girl who "sold" the dress), A looked through big white bags and I volunteered to lend her money to pay for whatever she'd want.

In another dream I competed against some tall scandinavian looking redhead for a job that involved driving a car. She took every chance she had to sabotage me and make it look like she was better. Whomever was interviewing kept trying to be nice and give me more chances, but I think I just gave up.

## Tuesday, 15 June 2010

### I think I'm turning japanese x2 I really think so

Fairly straightforward "Freudian" dream last night: I had a dream about learning japanese with people who've been my classmates and another dream about meeting EBF in a building near university to study. He set the time and place in an office building, but when I got there they wouldn't let anyone in, so we met outside and drove around with my aunt MT (no idea what she was doing there) looking for another place to study. The SD building looked lovely, it had lower terraces with flowers and it looked a bit warmer, as opposed to the cold, modern look it has now. I saw these lovely 2-3 story white houses with coloured papers hanging as decoration and jokingly told my aunt I'd like her to buy me one to live in. I later remarked I thought they might be nurseries. The rest is hazy... I remember walking around with my mum downtown, looking for a supermarket (oh, and in a mall there was a small cart selling bull semen as candy... disgusting), a fridge, walking with a christian metal fan who was looking for hideous furry metal clothes as I looked for some place to buy new glasses, and a small two story shop-cafe near university where a man with a baby walked in and asked for an autograph of some male local celebrity (writer, musician or poet).

## Monday, 14 June 2010

Oh boy... the dreams I had... One started off in school1, where people I don't know were friends with me and brought their dogs to school, one of them kept my little one in his car, a fat one raced me (when I raced him I was really fat too) and A. School1 played the part of school2 in the sense that I was new there, and I remember two particular classes. In one, the assignment was to keep a blog (I already had this one, but for some reason only one post was shown, so I excused myself saying I was new and trying to keep up, which seemed ok with the hteacher). The other class was about japanese culture and I had to dress in impossibly uncomfortable clothes, a bra made of strings, bandages around my big and little toes, so tight my feet went numb, and then bandages around my chest to tuck things in. I managed to tell A about those classes. Then she, Sergei and I left in her car headed to some other town. I noticed huge trees and thought to myself they must be very old... I remembered fairy trees.

I told A and Sergei to keep an eye out for the houses along the road, because some were very poor looking, like Walter's house in school, and others were excessively rich looking. Come the time when we got to a town, there were ugly, papier mache decorated houses next to pretty ones, and then ugly houses again... I remember one that had potatoes in empty Coca-Cola bottles as decoration. By now, A and I were with some other girls (and, don't ask why, Maggie from The Simpsons). We saw a small schoolvan and decided to join them on a schooltrip. We went to a museum and on the way back one of the women (there were two) driving the van said they had to go to the morgue, check on some kids who'd died (from the class currently in the van). I looked at A and exchanged WTF looks at how insensitive it was to do so, but then the women said they were taking us to a place where they'd have us executed.

It was taking an exit from the main road that went through the village. Being in the back seats in the trunk, A and I managed to escape the van, opening the door and running out even as it moved. We called the cops and hid in the bushes for a while, as we saw the van take the road again, possibly to go look for us again. I don't know if it's worth mentioning the women were going to execute 17 people, including us. I got a policeman to answer my call, explained the situation, though I didn't know the name of the town I was in, and he found A and me, who were in A's car. Quite scary. We couldn't find the others though, which I suppose is terrible, but being the case that I don't care all that much about them, I didn't mind much.

In some dream before the education related one some fortunetelling guy told Seinfeld characters about their futures. Elaine's seemed to revolve around her relationship to one particular man, so she kept going back to the fortuneteller for more information.

Last thing I remember is some guy (artist or writer) taking a sex break from whatever he was doing with his girlfriend, which resulted in the guy drawing a picture of her. But then R1 started drawing the picture on black paper with a white pencil... he was trying to explain something about the contrast and the two different ways of drawing a picture, through lights and shadows.

## Saturday, 12 June 2010

### Not exactly gleeful

Not if you consider I just finished watching the rest of season 1 and cried in at least 4 of the episodes. I cried watching Kurt's feelings get hurt, I cried because they lost, I cried because Sue Sylvester has a heart, I cried because Kurt's dad stood up for him, I cried because Artie can't walk and dreams of being a dancer, I cried because Jesse broke Rachel's heart, I cried when baby Beth was born, I cried when Finn yelled at Kurt, I cried when they sang Schuester goodbye. I'm overcome with sadness, and it's kicking in too easily lately. I suppose it didn't help when Brittany and Kurt kissed and Kurt asked what boys' lips taste like. I can't remember a kiss, not its smell, its taste or its feel. Even obnoxious Rachel in dreamland had two guys all over her. And to think even gleeks have more friends. LAME!

### Soft spot

I definitely have a soft spot for gay men. I'm now also a fan of Jonathan Groff. Love him and Jesse St. James in glee. I've grown even fonder of Chris Colfer, but now I'm also very fond of Jonathan Groff. I would just love to see them together... wouldn't that be something? Oh, either way I really look forward to seeing Kurt's new love interest, and I hope something works out. Here I am, rooting for gay guys to get guys...*sigh* Can't help it. I might as well throw in I'd love to see AOB's little brother and that gay guy from maths with boyfriends.

### If I may

A short petty note: I think I can now state EBF left without saying goodbye. He said he was leaving someday before Monday, we had a very brief conversation about politics, he didn't say goodbye. I suppose I didn't either, technically. I just dropped in a bon voyage, which, assuming it might as well be the end of the conversation, I suppose is good enough if I feel bad about being rude. So, um... yes, that's that and I guess I should be thankful for the lack of a hypocritic goodbye.

## Friday, 11 June 2010

### A small note

J2 started a conversation about marriage today. Not the first we've had on the subject, because I'd already told him (he always seems to expect me to have changed my mind, we seem to go over the same conversations as if he didn't already know my position in them) I don't intend to marry or have children, ever. This one started different, though... he asked for names of people who graduated with us who'd be getting married the first. I said I could only venture a guess along the lines of conservative parents and unplanned pregnancy, which seems to be the case in people in our age range and social circle who get married this young. So I explained my bet was on the girls who had a very active sex life and fell in the tiny error margin of contraceptives, the girls who would get pregnant out of sheer ignorance and scarce sex life and their boyfriends.

Discussing classmates' sex drives (if only girls, I said I had no info on guys even if I could reasonably venture guesses... I wasn't about to have that conversation) was awkward. Him discussing marriage is awkward. I tried to tease him when he for the nth time told me he plans to marry fairly old (around his 40s) that he'd be a dirty old man, marrying younger women (assuming, I believe correctly, that he intends to have children). He took it a bit too seriously, I think, and tried to switch subjects asking me what I'm doing for my thesis. I haven't a clue, so I told him and that was the end of that. But get this, Cq talked about marriage with A.

Creepy. Those two need girls. ... And I need to get over D. I got over him in last night's dream, which really took place around noon today, and I can't seem to stop picture myself giving him a kiss, if only a meaningless kiss. Or I need to meet Galo, that tall, thin but not puny, light brown curly haired, caucasian (possibly) doctor. Yeah...*sigh* I'll just go back to studying topology, see if I manage not to fail the subject next semester.

### Bear girl

Last night's dream was interesting... I was with A back in Ctg, or at least someplace hot. We got there on a bus with several people from schools (school1, school2, and D's school in Ctg). I remember when it was time to get off the bus I waited for A to get out, but the black girl (no offense intended, I believe it's quite alright to say black in English) pushed herself out of the way through my left and was then very rude, saying I should've let her out. I replied A had not had a chance to go out and it was only fair to give her one, that she should've waited politely. We got off at a beach. A and I watched the tourists and let the sea wet our feet as the waves moved back and forth. I looked at the animals around us and discovered a brown, somewhat hurt, eagle. It went for a fish some other animal ( a dog? ) had left in the sand. Maybe this eagle, maybe another, turned out to be a griffin (though I didn't notice it then), as it had 4 legs and took the fish with it.

We were all on a trip and we had to get rooms, which would be shared boys and girls together in groups of about 2-3 boys and 2-3 girls for each room. As I waited in line with A, we joked about getting whichever room D was in and when we tried to get it we found out the group immediately before us had taken it. A went after them, as they were friends of hers from school2, and asked them if we could switch rooms. They didn't mind, and so the rooms were settled, though the other group of girls said they might be in trouble, as they'd be stuck with two couples who wanted each other and just might do something about it.

A and I got to the room, I believe we were to be with N1 too, and put our things in the big bed, assuming boys wouldn't share a bed, and leaving the single beds for them. They hadn't been in the room yet. I walked barefoot, which I found only natural in the hot weather, but others being there only on holiday found odd. The girls we'd swapped rooms with called me to talk and watch something on television. Later, we were all in the sea, floating about, talking. My English teacher from school1 was there playing music. He introduced a song by this bear girl/spirit called something I can't remember, but probably ended with an -ella and I liked it, so I downloaded it or copied it with my cellphone.

I noticed D was talking to the bear girl (I should probably note I never saw her, I could only hear her talking in English and moving in the water). D had a black string around his neck. A had remarked he probably had a girlfriend when we got the room, but I dismissed it. As I eavesdropped on a conversation between him and the bear girl, I found out A was right. He had a reggae-themed hairpiece too. They talked about how this girl he was with allowed him to be everything he likes to do, his hobbies. About how happy he was with her and how right they were for each other. I never seem to give up hope in waking life, but in the dream I just wanted him to go on being happy, and I was even a little surprised to find it didn't hurt so much to let go.

After that we got back to our rooms and after a brief discussion to decide who'd sleep where (it turns out D and others had brought chips along and would be wanting to eat and some others would be annoyed by it) we went to sleep. Very early in the morning, as only the very first bits of light shot out of the sea, N1 and I were woken up by some woman who apparently taught swimming classes. She was the bear girl, but she also introduced us to her once in the water. She told N1 and I to jump into the water in a very particular way, standing on the edge of the wooden balcony, our sides to the water, and extending our limbs so as to look like a star, and rotating so that our hands would be the first thing to touch the water.

A small battle ensued. The house we were in was also a winery, and as someone showed us the wine some other spirit said it was very wasteful and tried to break the wine reserves so they'd be spilled. The argument of why it was wasteful depended on the fact that lots of food was needed elsewhere as they wasted it to make wine. There were different kinds of giant moving vegetation (I remember pink giant tentacles...) trying to hurt us (by then D was in the water and I was worried), so after someone had broken almost all of his/her bones, I stopped, covered a fairly good bit of vegetation with a bag, and performed a spell to heal everyone. I suppose I was hoping for D's thankfulness, but really I just wanted him to be safe. I told the spirits to stop the bickering, let the wine back where it should be and fix the mess they'd started, which they did. I felt powerful... Even the healing (which was actually a lot of healing, if you consider just one of the people had a lot of broken bones) didn't tire me, I was a little surprised by this.

I then got out of the water, but I was now Goku... Or Gohan, someone from the family, and at least 5-7 generations were there. D walked toward us to thank whomever, but it no longer mattered. I remember seeing a small cylinder with two square holes (placed as they'd be in a lollipop stick, or a whistle) emanating a blue light. That's when I woke up.

There was another dream where I was in a huge store that sold everything classified by colours. Apparently, clothes were very cheap, but I found nothing I liked so I just remember walking through corridors, seeing people buying things, and possibly buying something myself, only I don't remember what.

For what it's worth, when I looked at myself in a mirror I remembered I had a dream where I was sunburnt, my skin (specially around my face) was dark orange and starting to peel, revealing tiny pale patches.

## Thursday, 10 June 2010

### So I caved

EBF started an IM conversation. I went idle and ignored the computer for about an hour, only he'd still be online after that... right... So I sent him the songs he requested, wished him a bon voyage and I'm trying to stick to one line answers.... after 7 lines, conversation's dead. There. I managed to say bon voyage, right? That'll have to do.

I waited for a while, I suppose, for him to say goodbye but he didn't, so I just logged off around 11pm and deleted him from my contacts list again. Rude, you could argue, but then again we hadn't talked for hours already so it would just be awkward to say goodbye... Like that time I felt like M2 because when I tried to say goodbye and leave he said he'd been busy talking to his parents or doing whatever else. If there were anything to be said, it would've been said, either before, or later (say, the day afterwards), but there wasn't so coming up with excuses is just a lame "I'm sorry, was I supposed to be talking to you? Whatcha wanna talk about?".

I just hate it when he does that, you know? Telling me things by phrasing them as "have I told you...?". He obviously hasn't, so phrasing news that way tries to imply communication that never takes place. Besides, it's not like he needed to tell me he's leaving. I knew he was going to China, I can see his facebook statuses and what his friends post on his wall. I'm tech-savvy enough to be able to get information that way and I'm smart enough to put the pieces together. If he did it out of some sort of obligation, or feeling it would be rude not to tell me he's leaving this weekend (ok, so maybe facebook's not 100% accurate), it's no good. I think it's even ruder to tell me now, just before he leaves. We haven't spoken in months. Months. We won't be talking any more than we do now (which would about to never talking, really) when he's gone, we don't go out, we never meet. He's not gonna miss me because I'm just not there. That being the case, I see no need for him to say goodbye like I'm going to notice he's gone. I'll figure he's out of the country by August at the latest and will be back in a year, I need know no more.

It just upsets me so, you know? The little things, the big reasons behind them, the fact that I'm a little like a schizophrenic for noticing what no one else does. Throw in the fact that everything else kinda sucks anyway. Reminds me of Keinohrhasse... A watched it the other day and we talked about it for a while. I remembered a few things and remember they're quite important: one being that women shouldn't get into meaningless relationships thinking they're so good whoever they're with will take them seriously (which doesn't really apply, but as long as I'm remembering I might as well write it down), and that you really don't want to get involved with women who're not happy on their own: they'll blame their unhappiness on you when you break up. I told A it applied to friends too, talking about a friend of hers, and I suppose it's true of me too. Only I don't exactly depend on friends to make me happy.

I'm happy/miserable on my own, I have happy sighs around friends, which is different, and have a way to let out the misery talking to friends. Now, I just tell myself (over and over, you might add) events, thoughts, fun facts, ideas, feelings, news. The occasional considerably good times spent with A and usually wonderful (even when they're short) conversations with AOB are my happy sighs, but there's a lot that gets left behind, left out, left in the rain to rot. Only because it's actually all in, it stinks, it reeks, it poisons.

I suppose it also helps to have the company, to have something to do, to have a somewhat more eventful life and friends are what allow that to happen. My life is currently uneventful, so much so I've only dreams to write down. And memories. And random thoughts I keep to myself. So lonely = uneventful and I move around in an NFL between the two. What do you discuss with people on the rare occasion when you talk to them if there's absolutely nothing new with your life? How will not talking ever encourage the development of interesting events? And wouldn't such events be precisely the ones I should be able to talk about?

My latest achievements: removing nails from a 100 year old chair, giving my little one a bath, cleaning up my room periodically, organising my closet, finding pictures of Marilyn Monroe's dress from 7 year itch. And that's from the past few weeks.

100 years of solitude, sometime after most of the people moved out of the house and the spoiled woman was left with her golden crap bucket. About the same feeling. Back then, reading the book, that's when it hit me: all the solitude, the absolute lack of everything human if only to confirm one's existence, that's when I started crying. And I didn't even relate to any of it, I just felt this anguish, this desperation, thinking of that house slowly growing emptier.

### Too many videogames

So... several dreams last night. One of them included a chinese girl who had health issues. My mum and I told her to take things easy, and let moderation rule everything she did. I had to chase her around and make sure she followed our advice, which led to us sitting in a long table in a huge cafeteria where she took too many desserts and I told her she shouldn't.

In another dream there was an expedition someplace in a tropical jungle. Some woman got lost in the way and ended up in some odd village. By the time they tried to continue, there was a war that kept them from moving on at some point. So they went back to the village thing. There were water, boats, mountains, and quite a few Antanas ads. Apparently the people who ran the place were going for him. It was a nice place, I reckon.

In yet another dream there was a Kingdom Hearts meets Super Mario 64 moment, where I went around trying to find a particular world to find someone (possibly the chinese girl from before).

In another dream I was in the cafeteria of school1 sitting on a plastic table with some girl. She was very annoying, and kept moving the table. When I kept her from doing it she pushed me ahead, hoping to embarrass me. She didn't. I really didn't care. Someone was doing a presentation, a young man. I wanted to talk to him. I think I related him to D in my dream, or I really wanted it to be him, but he was a doctor. A talked to him first, and then I did. I asked for contact information. Maybe with him, maybe with D, I found myself in another building. It looked like the SD building in unviersity, only it had almost 100 floors up and underground. We were apparently trying to get some privacy, so we went to one of the lowest parking floors underground. I'm not sure anything actually happened.

In another dream I was someplace arabic-looking near Dalmasca and some guy showed me and a few others around, stopping by in shops to pick up pieces of fabric. We were supposed to get back to Dalmasca to a place like the cafeteria from the dream with the chinese girl. Someone offered us to stay in the small town, it was really a lovely place. Arabia meets Greece at sunset. Lots of people, cramped up houses, quite a lot of vegetation in buildings, stone pavement, and lots of tiny lights all over. Very romantic, actually. At any rate, we couldn't stay for some reason and just didn't.

## Wednesday, 9 June 2010

### A few things

Well, first things first, I had a dream last night where the great dane from the neighbourhood bit my little one. Peñalosa was in my dream too, I was in a place resembling the Hilton hotel from Ctg mixed up with university, and I remember pointing him out to my mum. I also remember talking to R1 and feeling what I thought he felt, which was a bit awkward. I had time to think to myself that the way he felt about me was the way I felt about D. It was all past tense, even in the dream, for the record.

As for EBF's last day here (or so says facebook... goodness), well, absolut nichts.

When I got back from my aunt's shop tonight my mum said something that got me a little upset. During dinner on Monday to celebrate my uncle's birthday I at some point said I didn't justify studying some things in my university. Namely, medicine and design. I explained it was too expensive when you consider the first doctors are only just graduating (the university has little to no reputation in the field) and their formation is quite different from other doctors in the country (many of which have been great, if I may say so myself... though I didn't point this bit of information out). I mentioned a friend of mine (the best person I know, and I let them know this) studies medicine and didn't treat actual patients until they were in 6th semester, and that before that they practiced tasks as simple as learning how to draw blood from fake arms. Frankly, I think it's silly to waste good "practice" time on a subject that's all about practice. I said nothing about how they're raised to find farmaceutical solutions, and how they're less likely to be able to work with what little is actually available in most hospitals. I did say later that we're mocked as graduates because most people from my university don't seem to be able to work in teams. I also mentioned Cq's brief experience as a designer and how he was frustrated at getting grades easily and having to work in mediocre groups, as well as the often varying pensum. At the time my uncle said something but I assumed he wasn't too serious. Turns out he probably was, as he told my dad I don't appreciate the university I go to.

Don't get me wrong now, I don't actually think that's true. I do appreciate it, but I'm allowed to see flaws in it, right? I believe I spoke quite rationally and didn't at any point use a particularly offensive tone or word choice, but my uncle took offense. It worries me because it would seem he'd be willing to stop helping us (or me, at least). And that worries me because if there hadn't been so many things going wrong along the way, none of this should worry me. It also upsets me, because my cousins have led a very sheltered life, a somewhat ridiculously right wing conservative life. The youngest one can't even cut a tomato or pour herself a glass of water! Is she supposed to give up judgement of right and wrong and replace it for knowing the names associated to what's considered good and never question how that conclusion was reached? Is that what my uncle actually believes? After so many degrees and titles, is that really what he gathers is the right thing to do? Quite scary.

A small petty note: I resent the media (alright, and reality too) showing women I'd consider inferior having nice partners. It makes me feel that I'm doomed to be alone, forever.

{me}

## Tuesday, 8 June 2010

### Oxymoronish

Introducing a new label and hopefully many posts to amuse myself with later. I'm overly fond of oxymorons and combining adjectives and nouns in odd ways, so I've decided to try and keep track of whatever ideas come to mind. I remember reading "nostalgic moon lament" somewhere in AOB's msn space, and I loved it, so I had to throw that in here somewhere.

I've always thought babies' cries are daemonic warcries.

Sorriest thanks

Whispered screams

Cursed blessing

Menacingly harmless (think Edward Scissorhands)

Ambiguously obvious

Forgotten memories

Massively tiny (think black holes)

### Edward Scissorhands

Lovely film. I just loved it. I'll blame the weeping on hormones and the fact that I decided to watch it at 4am today. True genius, though I'm not sure I would've chosen Winona Ryder to play Kim. It's amazing how well society is depicted in the film, fearing the unknown, using "perfectly nice" people as tools, and blaming everything wrong with this world on the fact that they're different. The story is so much like the Grinch's, the characters are so clean-cut, and I just love how snow gained a new meaning.

## Monday, 7 June 2010

### Food

I had a dream where I was part of an odd japanese ceremony where I stood on an upside down skirt that held food people threw in as an offer to gods. I then took rice paper and something else home as a souvenir.

## Sunday, 6 June 2010

### Not a lot to remember

But I do remember a dream about being in the US and buying very cheap (no more than $30) mattresses and a weird blanket so mothers couldn't see what was behind it to hide them. When something blew the blanket away I promised I'd buy another matress, for my sister. I looked around some rooms and when I asked for a queen sized mattress they said the only one available was in a room that was designed for a man, a bachelor. The ceiling was unusually tall (at least 10m) and the woman explained it was to overcompensate. It cost$87. There was a weird bit where the woman I paid spoke Spanish and English, and gave me some candy (also a drug, I think extasis) to give some old man. It was in a supermarket. I had to go around looking for the old man to give the green candy thing to and someone else to deliver something else. The guy who briefly taught me analysis was there, doing something with bags from almacenes EXITO.

There was another dream where I met a dog here that could play with A's dog, and she came over with Tony/Toby, my cousin's dog was here too. We were outside, only where there is a street there was a green area and lots of people I used to be in class with were there. Someon had asked us to hold hands and move. It was weird because we said no one had ever gotten us to do that since 4th grade.

## Saturday, 5 June 2010

### Planets

I had a dream just this morning where there were two planets earth, and a group of people was sent to the other one to explore it. They found some flowers, sugar cane and a pot some Spanish woman said she could Spanish-up. That's when the alarm woke me up.

In another earlier dream, A was working as a historian collecting the story of letters A. They were disguised as famous characters and certain tribes to represent different time periods.

[17:37 edit]
I had a dream about being with my wreck of an aunt. I was there with my mum and my sister, trying to fill water thermos with water and ice. But the ice was frankly disgusting. Some of it was clear, some had light peach coloured bits, and I eventually hit a huge dark, moldy peach coloured bit which smelled terrible. I started putting bleach on everything. For some reason there were these oversized plastic gloves I tried to use... Also, before we left for the kitchen, I remember thinking it's "about time" D did something and tried to get me back. Weird. In some other part of the dream I had to go look for my mum and my sister at a mall. My sister had been in the mall's gym with a friend.

## Friday, 4 June 2010

### Good timing

Even if he woke me up at 8:30am today, I loved talking to AOB. He called to say he was finally done with classes and he's had no internet so he hasn't been online. And he's moving sometime along the next 2-5 weeks, really nearby. He asked if I'd heard what happened to his little brother, and I briefly repeated what I'd typed before. He chuckled. :) I'm so fond of him... he seems to time his "entrances" perfectly. I missed talking to him. I always like talking to him, but he seems to wait until I miss him or am eager to tell him something (i.e. now because I miss him and I want to tell him EBF's leaving without saying anything).

### So I was wrong

Still not changing my mind. I've nothing better to do, and facebook says EBF hasn't left for China yet. He's just not in Bta. He'll be here for a day (give or take a few hours) before leaving. I... I find myself half hoping he'll say good-bye. Not exactly because I'm very eager to say good-bye myself (I'm bitter enough to go for "we don't talk, you don't miss me, you're not gonna, so don't pretend anything else can be the case" if he does). I suppose it's a pride-related issue. I don't have the balls, the guts, or the will to "be the bigger man" if there's a chance to. I don't wanna. I'll be whiny, petty and childish. I've put enough, as far as I'm concerned. If he wants to talk, let him be the one to talk. But if he does, I really just might go for being rude whether by answering what I just typed or not answering at all. This is his time to be with N2, anyway. I could go for that if I don't feel rude enough.... Yeah, it's probably best not to say anything. I won't answer the phone. I won't answer messages. He's tried nothing, he'll try nothing. I'd better stick to doing nothing.

## Thursday, 3 June 2010

### BBQ

I think I can tell where last night's dream came from. I had a dream about being in some school related event (school1) which ended in some building's communal area. M1 lived there, and he was organising a BBQ. I volunteered to cook (I really had nothing better to do, and I enjoy cooking). Some of us then gathered in a tent with the BBQ, while most of the others stayed outside in the pool. I cooked a pile of burgers and then used tongs to pick 10+ of them and move them elsewhere. It was ok, until I tried to put them down. Somehow the tomatoes in the burgers "exploded", so I was left with a mess of buns, meat and tomato seeds on the plate. My grandmother was there and made some comment or other trying to imply M1 and I would be involved. I said nothing. M1 kept putting filets (very thin meat filets at that) on the BBQ and I kept removing them, arguing those would be ready faster, and they'd be dry and chewy by the time the rest of the food was done. When I went to the table he was sitting in, to ask what I should cook next, he said something about potatoes, but before I got around to cutting them up I woke up. There was also this weird moment where a crystal bottle (the kind you'd put scotch in) "crawled" up M1's shoulder as he sat in a kitchen table, and I told him to be careful not to break it.

## Wednesday, 2 June 2010

### France

I had a dream where I was in France with my aunt MT, her friend, my sister and two men I can no longer remember. We were in a mall, and after losing track of my aunt's friend, who'd entered a restaurant, we ended up in a fabric store. We were looking for fabrics to make my sister's and my dresses for my cousin's wedding. We spent a long time in a single aisle, so much so some woman from the store came to see if we were quite done and almost shoo-ed us out. I ended up buying any fabric for my dress which about matched my criteria and I can't remember if my sister bought something too. I also picked some thread to sew the dress with. I later showed the fabric to mum, who said it looked cheap (which makes sense, the guy told me it was on sale). It's odd that my sister needed a new dress in the dream... I picked out a sheer blue shirt with distinctive sleeves and some more blue (though a different shade) fabric to complement it.

In another dream, I was dressed in red, and I gathered with a lot of people, all dressed in one of 6 (primary and secondary) colours. Not sure what that was for. It would seem people my age (possibly from school) were there, though I can't remember anyone in particular. Also, I remember being in a bathroom that had an open window. I sat there and some people stood right outside the door, talking, which made me very uncomfortable.

There was also something about some family meal with my uncle and my cousin's and their grandparents. I can only remember they came over briefly and took some dessert with them.

I woke up to the image of Yukito and Sakura's big brother, whatever his name was. Apparently Yukito had covered for Sakura's brother, giving his energy or something. Mum woke me up, so I can't tell what else there was to it.