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Monday, 31 May 2010

A prostitute

That's what I dreamt I was. I'd taken up a job as a prostitute during vacation and it payed off nicely, I even got to go to this fancy hotel and get all of these expensive spa treatments. I had these diet meals over at the cafeteria of school1, and there was a voice reading out my story. It seems I was both part of the audience and the woman reading out loud her story. This is because I could "hear" about a fight I was about to get into before I did, and I didn't remember any of it. I fought with some other girl because she said I'd slept with her dad. She asked, adn I said I didn't know who her dad was, so I really didn't know what to answer. Odd, huh?

Fine, then so be it!

A little deduction and facebook stalking (though not really, if I've only just checked twice over the last couple of days and not once months before) says EBF has already left for China. People are already saying their good byes and asking for gifts, not to mention if the farewell party could've taken place any later it would've, right? Which only leaves the possibility of his friends leaving Bta before he leaves the country, but hey, it makes no difference, right? He's still leaving without a word (and mind you, that's zero words since that last awkward him running into me in the classroom I'd have analysis class in). Fine, then so be it! I'm not exactly allowed to care, am I? ... I just wish I had someone to talk to, because I still do.

Just when did I decide to care, anyway? When did I become so dependent on being able to talk about things I wouldn't mention? I made a habit out of saying things I normally wouldn't, and getting feedback. I used to be much more independent, much more comfortable with going solo in everything I did. I used to be ok with keeping my thoughts to myself and not needing to share them. I can tell A some of my dreams, she'll pretend to understand Freud and jokingly analise them. I can tell her some of the stuff I can't help remembering about D (like the fact that he remarked upon us being just the right height to kiss before we kissed for the first time, only I left out the fact that it was my first kiss when I told her). I can even loosely say a thing or two about people in general, whether they be common acquaintances (J2, AOB) or strangers (pentguy). But she has other (read better) friends, friends she spends time with, has heartfelt conversations with. I only get details when something eventful happens (like her kissing some guy this weekend) because she feels she owes them to me. I can't provide any insight. I don't know half of the people she mentions, if not from earlier references. I'm even left behind when it comes to what little experience I had and she didn't.

As fond as I may be of AOB, I fool no one thinking I can tell him half the things I leave unsaid. He's wonderful, but if there's a lot I can't talk about with A, it's out of the question with AOB. And that about adds up. Never learned how to make friends (leave alone keep them), probably never will, and that's because I was just fine not needing them. For years. If I'm to go friendless from now on, then so be it. I brought this on myself, right? I only blame myself for everything anyway. It's all the neuron wiring I can't get rid of now that's bothering me. I learned all the wrong things, I still make very wrong associations. It's the fact that I can't forget or undo the wiring that's messing things up.

What did A do this weekend? She went out with friends. First night out she discovered she's jealous of Dg because he was with some girl he used to fancy. Second night out she ended up in some friend's friend's house drinking and kissing some guy. She went out to vote for the elections and was somewhat upset by them. What did I do? Go vote for the elections and be very upset because I had the spare time to read up on everything that would go wrong, only to see it go wrong. I was also home and I cooked and played cards with my mum and my aunt. If it counts, I even did chores and started working on that old (antique, really) chair that needs to be re-furnished. I didn't even have significant messenger conversations until late last night to rant about the elections. That's how I measure loneliness now.

Sunday, 30 May 2010

Fuck you Santos!

I'm furious!!! How dare Santos be so obvious when cheating and how dare people still vote for him and ignore all his wrongdoing?!?!?! How dare my uncle provoke me saying the country was spared? How can people just ignore the fact that polls pointed at very different numbers, how dare they ignore the fact that people voting for Antanas weren't allowed to vote, how dare they ignore the fact that votes were obtained through money, threats and outright fear!? It just pisses me off so to know that he'll win the elections next time we vote and that he'll attain victory only through cheating, and people who follow him won't mind. I knew Antanas wouldn't win right away, but he should've been given a sporting chance. Why won't anyone do anything about all the injustice people have called out on? Why must things continue to be done the wrong way? Why do people vote for all the wrong reasons? Why can't they all vote for what's right, whether or not they actually think Antanas represents that? If only they would, I'm positive Vargas Lleras would be way ahead of Santos. I quite honestly feel mad enough to cry, knowing he'll win the elections and we'll be stuck with another 4 years without education, with promises no one will bother to keep up with, poor people dying while rich people grow richer. It is so insulting!!! Agh! If only he were half the man he claims to be, and I reckon he's a fairly good politician, he wouldn't allow such injustice. I just hope people who voted for him will stop believing all his bullshit. I hope he's called out on his bullshit and I hope people take the time to realise how wrong it all is. I hope votes are annulled when it's proven they were bought, coerced or made up. I hope people see just how nasty his campaign actually was. How dare his followers say that Antanas is a pedophile? That was so incredibly out of line!!! How dare people believe such lies? How dare they ignore simple truths that would show Santos for the monster he really is? Even my parents decided to vote for Antanas last minute, they were actually inspired when they noticed I was up and ready to go vote at 8am. On Sunday. It just upsets me so to know people voting for Santos did so out of ignorance, blockheadedness, and often plain stupidity. Well fuck Santos. I really hope he gets massive brain damage before he does more harm. I can't believe a well-known thief (and that's exactly what he is) will be backing him up and no one will mind. I actually have good reason to believe they just made up the results along the way, that's the only way I can explain the fact that the results were ready so early on. *Nazgûl shriek*

Saturday, 29 May 2010

How's now for a time to be petty?

So... EBF thanks his friends today for a great farewell party. As I was telling myself earlier, it's a good thing they didn't (not that they would have, it's not like I know them or anything) bother with the formality of asking me. So EBF had better not decide last minute to ask me to go to Wok with him or anything, cause I sure as hell won't be going. I will not take phone calls and I'll pretend to be absent (for real this time) if he tries sending a message. I'll be childish, whether he cares or not. I don't have to go, any more than I have to answer if he calls or sends messages. I only have to die, if I learned anything during 4th grade. He's been doing just fine without me, he'll do just fine if I don't show up for whatever he asks me to be a part of (if he bothers to ask me, that is, of course). Like I tell myself, I've been hiding nothing, I've denied nothing. He ignored and denied what I bothered stating outright. If he's fine with things the way they are then so be it, don't let him try anything new now. I will not, cannot, be ok with it, whatever it may be, should it ever have a chance of happening. Screw the fact that we were best friends (or I came to call us that), screw the fact that he knows more about me than anyone else, screw the fact that at some point I knew him better than most, screw the fact that we could talk for the most part of 24/7, screw the fact that I care and he doesn't.

If I might add, I'm pretty sure I was right about it being a BBQ, given the timing. It's highly unlikely that they were out very late last night and EBF woke up that late, given drinks are illegal this weekend.

Also, since I'm already being petty, I went through the trouble of looking at his facebook profile. It seems, judging by the latest posts on his wall, that he's leaving soon. Gut!

Still in university?

I had a dream last night about being in university. This time I was going for a late class of analysis to get my grades. The classroom was a wooden cottage someplace in a tropical jungle. It was hot, and I tried to get the lights, fans and air conditioning to work, as only the lights were working at first. I sat by some girl. Sfer got there, eventually, and he'd given us homework. Something to do with getting an xkcd.com comic to mesh with a pizza. I was planning to get my comic on my pizza with tiny toothpicks that for some reason had sheep attached to them. At some point Sfer got his shirt off, showing several tattoos and muscles I know are inexistent. I turned away, disgusted, but the girl next to me stared. Gross. That's all I remember...

[14:49 edit]
I had another dream after I fell asleep again. This one involved AOB. Well, several dreams nvolved AOB. In one, we chatted. He left me a message saying I was the cutest for saying I loved his little brother and asking why exactly it is I love him. In another one there was a physics convention where I argued with old women about colours and their physical meanings in some pictures. They insisted in calling them by the names appointed by paint factories for whatever they painted in their spare time, I used scientific colours. In another dream there was an hommage to my sister in some sort of church. I sat quite by myself next to strangers who thought she was my uncle's daughter and I just thought to myself it was good for her to look that well.

In another dream, AOB lost his mind and pranced around a small pool full of toys naked. I was quite embarrassed. A and N1 were there. There was this weird script for me to follow which would get AOB to be sensible again and would allow us all to leave. First I had to buy AOB lunch, which I did. He said he wanted a hot dog and pointed in some direction or other. I tried to follow and ran into a small tent with people selling hot dogs. For some reason, AOB was a bit like Andrew Zimmern, tasting weird foods, so I got him an armadillo shawarma hot dog. I was there to cook the armadillo and it was terrifying to see that animal seasoned and seared alive. When I got back, I'd already payed and asked if there was any change, and they kept giving me too much. I gave up and left when they gave me the least too much possible and thought to myself they could afford to lose a little money. I got back. There were four steps to be followed. One would get us to kiss (peck), another one would get us to kiss for a longer period of time and the last would get us to French kiss. I went through the first kisses, and it was actually very nice. So much so I hinted at him to get the last step over with. For some reason I'd assumed it was his idea to write those instructions. It turns out it was all A and N1's doing. Awkward... I was busted for wanting to make out with him, which he understood but politely looked over, and it was obvious he was just doing what A and N1 told him to.

In another dream AOB performed a magic trick in a competition against Penn, from Penn & Teller. AOB had to hide something and Penn had to find it. We were in the bay in Ctg and AOB chose some box from the garbage left out to be picked up by the truck, hid whatever he was supposed to hide in it, and then tossed it into the sea. Penn had a time limit, and though he had a team to help him pick stuff out of the sea and open whatever boxes he picked, he couldn't find AOB's box. Just as the time ran out, the box came up (it had apparently sunk). It was just brilliant. When he was asked just how he did it, I was there in the flashback. There was something about a bra. The cups were filled with a hot and a cold fluid and then there was something to light them which would cause a reaction that would make the box sink for a very precise amount of time. I had to throw something lit at the box already in the sea, along with the bra cups and I missed it. The trick still worked. I was awed.

Friday, 28 May 2010

Glad to be on vacation

I had a dream last night where I was in university. I went with my mum, my sister, and other women related to my cousins. I was in a design class and in a philosophy class as well as a maths class. Mr. Benjamin Ashenbrenner taught the last one, the design class was taught by some woman I don't know and the philosophy class was taught by the same man who taught Plato.

A nightmare because I'd lost my student ID again, I missed my philosophy class on a day when we had a quiz (even though I'd gone through the trouble of talking to the professor the day before to make sure I was understanding the texts right... we talked about one in particular and he mentioned he'd studied it in school and had never minded it much, that I should study the others). Apparently, I got my schedules messed up because I was no longer going to Pentagono and the philosophy class was early, so I missed it completely thinking it was sometime in the afternoon. Also, I attended two design classes, only in the first we were given homework and I completely forgot. I tried talking to the professor but she wouldn't let me hand in any extra work or hand in the homework late, so she insisted I get a big fat zero for forgetting it. I ended up leaving half way through the lesson with N1 to some small cabin where we'd apparently played when we were little. (In my dream her dad was an astronaut).

She explained the cabin where we played was always supervised by either her or her parents, because it was actually a car and she knew how to drive it. When I asked if we could take it out, she agreed, saying she needed to check if it worked anyway. We drove around the city (Ctg) trying not to hit cars, pedesetrians, or the lions and hyenas that inexplicably roamed the city, crossing streets among humans. I even remember pointing out it would be terrible to throw off the balance of the ecosystem by killing its predators. When the trip was over, I was wearing some very strange boots which made it hard to walk and made me jump, sort of, instead. I was there with N2 and some other girl, and we had to hurry back to where the car used to be. I woke up midwalk through a building among lots of plants.

In another dream, or perhaps earlier in this one, I was with people from school1 where a teacher asked us questions regarding the current presidential candidates. The teacher wanted to ask me, but others kept talking when it should've been my turn to. I eventually got a chance to answer and was planning on explaining how Antanas actually works with people more than for them, and starts a revolution which, should it work, would get us all working for peace, and not just him and the army. I never got my point across, though I can't remember why.

Thursday, 27 May 2010

Clones and dogs

I had a dream last night, well, several dreams. In one, there was a green parade in Ctg by the city wall, and I'd been asked to take a small banner with me someplace else. There was a chance AOB might come by with someone else from school to pick me up in a helicopter. I remember finding it very manipuative of teachers to use kids in kindergarden to parade for the U and the liberals.

In another dream, my little cousin (the incredibly annoying one) was having a party, a huge party, in the club. I just remember giant, gorgeous cakes and lighting candles on a cake I accidentally blew out when I closed the door behind me. A was with me in this dream.

In another dream, there was a country club, only much less fancy. There was a mexican colonial house and I was hosting my birthday this time. I'd been invited before and I'd gone with my little one, others had brought their dogs too. There was a George Clooney fan room, and people there got these "wings" or whatevers that made them fly. I had an awesome memory of flying through lovely houses and flowers on a bright sunny day, and I showed these to people later. I was talking to some girl form school2 and telling her all about it. I'd joined her and her group because upon entering the house I knew clones would be made and I wanted to see if I got to see mine being created. There was some sort of test going on, and people had to go from one room of the house to the other. I woke up telling this girl about the yellow presidential candidate and the Georgefan wings.

In yet another dream, I was both playing and in the screen of a videogame. D was there and I kept trying to get a better look at him. I only managed to locate him because I could see the "blocked" sign on him when I looked his way, but it was all dark. We were walking down an old bridge, old battle grounds or other places where people had died. Apparently, humans lived with some other creatures, ones with similar skulls, but with horns all over them. I didn't see human skulls, which I found odd.

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

Pictures

Last night I had a dream where I was in the sea and I had to swim from one bucket with ice cold water to another one with warm water and if I put this object into them in the right time and exposed it to light, it would take a cartoon picture. Very strange. I kept getting the order wrong, and yet the pictures showed. Also, I was afraid of staying in the water too long, or accidentally taking a picture of underwater creatures.

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

I just remembered

I had another dream last night, no censorship needed. An older man asked me out, very possibly a teacher, definitely not Q. It was only odd, because I felt compelled to say yes (he was a great guy, except for the whole age thing I knew my mum wouldn't agree with) and because I'd been expecting AOB to ask me out and I'd be unavailable to him if he chose to ask later.

Odd how I remembered that in a dream

CENSORED WARNING, in case you missed the label there.


I had at least two dreams last night, at least I think they were two separate dreams. In one, I was with several other people about my age in a country club. EBF was there, and I had time to be surprsed that N2 wasn't. We passed by the kitchen where the chef offered an overpriced gift cake to someone we were with, and after a while EBF summoned some of us for an orgy. For starters, it was him, two guys, two girls and myself. I think others eventually got there. EBF told the girls to suck the guys. I just watched at first, but after a while, some of the guys was free, so I started sucking him. (If I may add here, I did not remember what a blowjob tasted like up until I had this dream, and this guy's dick was about an inch shorter, though a little thicker, than D's). I paused for a while and switched to a handjob, which made him come really hard and really soon after I started (just a few strokes, really). I was surprised, and he asked if I hadn't expected him to come at all. I just felt sorry that I might've ruined the whole orgy experience for him if he couldn't get it up soon again to get a go at everything else available. We had to stop, for some reason, so he ended up being the only one who had a chance to come. We took a walk down a small road that went through a park, and my uncle and aunt were there. I was looking forward to getting back to the orgy thing, but we were running out of time in the club, and no one volunteered other places, so that was the end of that.

Possibly continuing the above storyline, I ended up in someone's country house with my uncle, aunt and cousins. A had sent me a picture (several, actually, only this was the latest). It didn't show particularly good technique, except for some bubbles which turned out to be glass circles. I showed these to my uncle. My aunt introduce us to some woman (who may or may not have looked a lot like the woman who married my cousin) and mentioned she'd been nicknamed Aubergine. Later, my aunt made us a quiz (several people from school1, A and D were there). When we had to write down the questions, I missed one that asked if there were any aubergines in the house's surroundings. The others were intended to be answered with word games too. D sat next to me, though we didn't talk.

My uncle gave me the task of entertaining my little cousin with handcrafts, so I bought some stuff over in town and set us all up to start working, but she got bored so nothing happened there. Next thing I know, there's a red fruit dessert that needs to get done, and we're out looking for blackberries, though I tell the girl with me that it's all pointless. We consider stopping by this house to find some.

I find myself in a house, with a few more people, watching television standing up in a small room. I had time to wish D would stand next to me, grab my hand and say something sweet. It's odd how that resulted in me leaving that room, going to one across the hall, and standing there. Instead of D, a youngman who looked a lot like that boy from maths who looked for me in Pentagono held my hand and did what I'd wished D would. Apparently, we were together. So we snuck into a room with a big bed, and decided we'd have sex.

After worrying for a while that I'd have to catch up with the others (which included A) for whatever the dessert was needed, we finally "got it on". I started off by sucking him, like before. It worked surprisingly well, it bounced up after just a few licks. When it came to actual sex, we stopped several times. I don't know exactly how it started, but he had already penetrated me when I stopped to ask him to close the door. Later, he had me sit on top, and I told him I'd be no good at it. I tried a few movements, but his penis slipped out and after a while he said it was actually quite painful. I suggested he be the one to be on top, and before that he decided to use this... armor on his penis. I had to suck him for a short while again for him to get his penis into this thing. It was white, flattened out so it was as thick as three penises, and held on by clips.

I was not about to have that inside me, so instead I said he should use a condom (a couple of minutes ago I'd been worried about us not using one, only I'd felt bad about telling him... if I was about to get pregnant I'd really rather not get pregnant by him). Some girl who was friends with him (and I remember now from school1) and had been there in bed, watching, fully clothed, said she might have one, but it would be old. I asked just how old, and when she got it, I could see a 2010 printed on the expiration date so I decided it wasn't that old and we'd give it a try. If I may add here, the package looked unusually big, so it must have been a fairly large condom. This guy's penis was a little longer than D's, and the head was also significantly more elongated (about one and a half times D's, should it matter). By the time he'd gotten the condom on, he was a little bit on the down side, so again I sucked him, and we started having sex again. This is when I woke up.

I just wanted to add this new note: sex was fine, penetration was fine, but when we stopped I felt this "hole" in me, and I was a little sore now that it was emptied out. I'm also surprised that my wishful thinking in the dream didn't lead to D, and even more so that I ended up with this guy. I should probably mention, I didn't mind being with him, or the fact that I wasn't with D for my first time. It was just... ok, I guess.

Monday, 24 May 2010

Blue

I had a couple of dreams last night. In one, I was someplace with lots of snow, visiting a museum/art gallery with other people, including Lisa Simpson. In another dream, I was walking here with several people from school1, including R1, and a few people from university. Most (if not all) were men, and many of them were wearing blue make-up, avatar-like. Where the swamp actually ends, in my dream a river had overflowed and there were sharks, or something else in the water which made it dangerous to fall in. I tried to jump across, but lost my nerve and decided not to.

Sunday, 23 May 2010

Prom night

So... just got back from my sister's prom. There's a little bit of everything, really. Can I just stress, though, that I hate wearing dresses, makeup, and high heels?

Now... I think one of the mothers sitting with us at the table has a drinking problem, and so has my sister's friend, her daughter. People are so ugly! Somehow, stuffing them into (mostly cheap or expensive but tasteless) dresses makes ugly people look worse. Some girls had such short or otherwise revealing dresses, they looked like oversized diapers. They're so young and yet too old to wear dresses like that (to be fair no one should use them). And ugh! There was this guy, some of my sister's friends... a caveman. Possibly worse.

Ran into Gb, by chance, she said we should organise a BBQ or something, that she'd call. Yeah, that's not going to happen any more than her going to look for me as she said she would.

Oh, and I talked to Q about AOB's little brother. Q just said something about him getting caught stealing from another student. I asked a little more, about what my sister told me (that he's gay, bullied and uncomfortable). Q confirmed he's gay but said no more. I just love that boy. He's such a sweet boy and I don't even know him. I love him in a V for Vendetta way, the way Valerie loved V. I just want to tell him that, you know? A small side note about Q, he looked like an overgrown emo teenage boy, and quite tame next to the lady friend date he brought. I felt a couple of seconds' worth of unusual anxiety around him (before we talked), which freaked me out a little.

Just a little bizarre, I thought that girl (annoying one, quite disgusting really, and hideous next to her lovely sister) and my aunt were being polite telling me I looked pretty. But my sister mentioned one of her friends had said that too.

As for short analysis of everything such a party entails... well, there's the music, and the alcohol, and the way lights are used. It all starts out by people feeling compelled to drink to start the evening. The more demanding dances (songs) are played right at the beginning. Then the lights and ridiculously loud music stun people into blending, becoming this ...mass. People go on drinking, so the music then turns to music they can dance drunk (and feel they dance better to when they're drunk) or sing along to from the floor. Stunned, drunk and "euphoric", people seek to repeat the cycle by drinking more to dance more and drinking some more because they're dancing.

And the make-up, the clothes, the hair... I'm just terrified by humanity. I know it's all intended to make people look "mate-able" but how on earth did it go from healthy and capable of reproducing to cartoons who wear paint on their faces, pull hair in unnatural positions, wear clothes to display obvious (in the rare cases when they were existent) goods, and what is wrong with comfortable shoes??? Why would women be required to pluck hair, pull, tuck, mold, hide, and deform their bodies?

When the lights were too low to read my Edward Leary nonsense songs and rhymes, I managed to pull myself mentally out of that mess to see everything from afar, and think of things quite as they are and not as people like to pretend them to be (I think). I still missed having some text messages to swap with AOB or A in the meantime. It could've made the evening more tolerable.

Thursday, 20 May 2010

What, again?

I had a dream last night which was a little all over the place, my cousins from Mia coming to visit, being in the states myself with my cousins, people coming over to the house, and also, D's friends (haven't given them names yet, have I? Let's go with Rf and Alb) in the shower with me, while I showered. They were trying very hard to be polite, looking away. Rf only turned to look at my legs to see if I was still there. I was amazed, and thought to myself any other guys would've looked no matter what. Then I noticed I was still wearing pijamas (a spaghetti strap shirt and possibly shorts), so I took them off. That's when Alb turned, only to look at my breasts. Quite uncomfortable. Worst part about this is I can still remember that other dream with pentguy watching me shower. I wonder if there's anything to it.

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

*breath in*...*breathe out* (mind you, I have a cold)

Just chatted with AOB, if only for a short while...As always, such a pleasure. He mentioned his bro got kicked out of school, might have to ask Q on Saturday about that, and that he's got something that might make him more likely to get cancer. Oh man... if people ever deserve to live, he's definitely earned that right, few would want to commit to do so much good in a single lifetime without turning into a cheesy cliché. Hope everything turns out ok with him.

Well done

As I crossed a street (or waited to, anyway) on my way to the analysis final exam, one of those men in orange uniforms stood there with a stop sign so others and I could cross. Some woman in a red car ignored the man in the suit as well as his stop sign, even though we were getting ready to walk across, and some guy (fairly softly) slammed the back of his car as he said "Thank you so very much ma'am, well done!!". Sarcastic, yes? Rude, not really. I noticed he was wearing a green Antanas bracelet, it was a nice thing to witness, some people still care about rules and can ask others to follow in a very civil way. Well done sir, truly.

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

So real...

It just felt so real, so... right... as ironic as it would be in real life. I had a dream last night where D and I got together again. It was really very unexpected, even in the dream, but I had time to reckon I couldn't tell anyone just yet (except maybe AOB) and to realise I was so unlikely by then to get together with D, I'd just lost all hope and then suddenly he sought me out and things worked out. Goodness... I just remembered, in the dream, being together, we engaged in cam sex. It would be very much like him to suggest that, and I really wouldn't mind. Hilarity ensued because I kept being interrupted (for instance by my mum bringing lunch and waiting for me to eat it). I liked seeing D, I miss the sight of him.

Monday, 17 May 2010

Two *hundred* posts

Unimportant dream though. I had a dream about a shar pei dog. How you could just hurt it over and over again and it wouldn't mind. It was supposed to be a metaphor, I think. Not to be the dog.

Sunday, 16 May 2010

Lovely

I watched "Happy go Lucky" last night, and it was just lovely. Poppy is such a bubbly character, and I love the fact that she's not stupid happy, she's smart and still chooses to take everything easy. It's inspiring, I must say. I also can't help but point out I loved the conversation she had to who would become her boyfriend. Lovely script, lovely actress, lovely film.

Saturday, 15 May 2010

Right, one more reason why not to get pregnant

I'm blaming this on hormones, before I blame it on how sorry and pathetic my sad excuse for a life is. If I blame it on hormones, then I get to blame it on the birth control pills which are supposed to make my body think it's pregnant, and if that's so, then it's another reason why not to get pregnant: I don't want to have to deal with both depression and a baby.

I was just watching "Paris, je t'aime" on television and started crying over everything: from the mother who lost her child, to the black man who got stabbed trying to find that girl, to the way they treated the mimes' kid, to the blind guy who thought he was being dumped, to the sight of Gérard Depardieu. And that last one? I couldn't help but remember he's Vct's uncle, who's EBF's friend, and keep track of how long it's been since we last did so much as glance at each other. If my only best friends right now (A, AOB) are hardly my friends at all then there's plenty wrong with my world, no?

Do you suppose I'll end up like that mailwoman in the end? Working for a living, and having no one to share anything with except for two dogs and, come the end of the short film, a city? When all company you've got left is reduced to a city full of anonymous faces, well, you might as well have nothing at all. Anonymous faces won't care for anyone and at least 99% of them could happily ignore the sight of a stranger getting hit by a car, stabbed by a mugger, or falling down stairs.

Right, so what I'm saying is, I feel so... lonely, and being alone just doesn't help. Blank faces are terrible company, and ... quite frankly, I wouldn't mind dying in my sleep tonight.

Yes, I know, all my fault if there's anyone to blame, but let's leave that at that.

Friday, 14 May 2010

Still no good, is it?

I had a dream last night where I found out I'd scored 3.02 in my abstract algebra exam and I was online in messenger, and so was D and I'd unblocked him. Still, nothing happened.

Monday, 10 May 2010

I need to make room

So here are some old text messages I've been reluctant to delete:

INBOX:
22-02-09 00:23 EBF
Damn. Im a very bad person. I just love to fuck up people's minds.

04-04-09 13:16 A
Okey yo creo q si :)

06-04-09 00:21 EBF
U are great. Plain great.

17-04-09 13:55 EBF
...hasta yo se eso.

17-04-09 13:59 EBF
Es integrar por partes usando dx como dv.

26-04-09 17:36 EBF
... N me acaba d llamar a decirme q termino con el novio, y q espera q no sea demasiado tarde...

26-04-09 17:38 EBF
Estoy volteando con los papas, q hablaramos despues.

26-04-09 17:47 EBF
... Creo. No se.

06-05-09 14:18 A
Q rabiaaa y sigue lloviendooo.

06-05-09 15:39 A
Jajajajaja superaste tu propia noñera pero te sirvio de algo?

06-05-09 15:43 A
Jaja yei q ñoñera

06-05-09 17:40 A
Ps si, no cualquiera y eso es lo peor pq si sigues pensando en d todos van a ser cualquiera

06-05-09 18:11 A
Ya estoy llegando a mi casa y me conecto.

20-07-09 00:02 AOB
Thanks lina :) that means a lot to me!

08-09-09 09:32 A
Q emocionante!

08-09-09 09:36 A
Jajajajaja calentana.

05-11-09 09:43 A
Mira que me encontre a r1 en el bus me conto q el reencuentro britanico fue un fiasco.

12-11-09 16:26 A
Linaaa me siento como colegiala jaja ese man se despidio de mi cuando salimoso de clase y mas o menos no se me ha quitado la sonrisa de la cara, re colegio...

23-11-09 12:31 A
Q? Como asi?

23-11-09 12:52 A
Ah jajaj eso fue por haber hablado ayer de eso.

23-11-09 12:58 A
Maravilloso destino q asco

19-01-10 15:20 A
Jajajajaja se su amiga.

19-01-10 16:32 A
Ps aprende de el pa ver si pasas jajajaja.

SENT:
26-02-09 19:53 EBF
Is Pablito being stood up?

12-03-09 15:28 EBF
Quieres mirar en tu carne de la universidad que es lo que toca haceer cuando se pierde?

17-03-09 11:42 EBF
Damn... I failed my calculus exam with 2.5. That can't be good for my 3.3, 6/20 and 15/20 from the other exam and homework...

17-03-09 11:45 A
(Al fin tengo min!) Feliz cumpleaños! No se a que hora salgas de clase, asi que te llamo por la noche a preguntarte como te va siendo un año menos joven.

04-04-09 12:56 A
Cuando tus papas vengan esta tarde setas muy invitada, si no tienes otros planes, a terminar las trufas de chocolate.

06-04-09 00:11 EBF
I just noticed, if yov wanna call her, that Arc is online. Her status is set to 'away' but I take it she's not fucking mr. German guy.

17-04-09 13:11 EBF
Fuck. Tanto estudiar y se me olvido como se integra ln(x).

17-04-09 13:57 EBF
Yo no se... Alguien pregunto apenar empezzo el examen y pense que era muy facil sabiendose la derivada pero me puse a hacer cuentas y me toca llegar a mirar. Fuck.

17-04-09 14:01 EBF
Lo intente. En serio llene la hoja de preguntas de cuentas pero no se por que no me dio. En cualquier caso, haciendo todo muchas veces creo que paso.

21:04-09 11:38 EBF
Woo! Pase el parcial de calculo con 3.45! Otra vez voy pasando! (Es un comentario muy R1, pero hay que ser muy mediocre, lo se)

26-04-09 17:37 EBF
She grew balls. Impressive. What did u tell her?

26-04-09 17:38 EBF
Have u made up your mind yet?

26-04-09 17:46 EBF
Me hiciste saltarme una pregunta de un quiz de vectorial. N2 te debio llamar mas tarde. Que vas a hacer con Arc? No digas que no sabes.

26-04-09 17:49 EBF
... Te TOCA decirte, y te TOCA llamarla. Si eres consciente de eso, verdad?

26-04-09 17:53 EBF
Si ayusa, hastas lo que hagas alguna termina llorando. Si me lo preguntas, en este preciso momento N2 tiene un poco mas de merito, pero seguro me falta info.

26-04-09 18:04 EBF
This may be insane enough to be worth trying: tell Arc. (Dammit, question skipped or not, SICUA broke down, that quiz is screwed!)

06-05-09 14:10 A
Camacho no vino. Perdi la tarde.

06-05-09 15:29 A
Fue el plan mas inutilmente ñoño en el que haya estdo. Solo estuvimos el monitor, otro niño y yo. Los 3 matematicos con gafas al frente del tablero incapaces de resolver problemas. El otro niño, que es un Leonard, me propueso quedarme a eestudiar con el que se queda hasta las 9 pero no quise coger bus tan tarde.

06-05-09 15:40 A
No realmente. El monitor es medio idiota, por eso solo vale la pena ir cuando va Camacho.

06-05-09 15:44 A
Jajajajaja... Lo peor es que ahora no se si me arrepiento de no quedarme a estudiar con el otro niño...

06-05-09 15:57 A
Jajaajajajajajajaja. No ni modo, no t endria como encontrarlo. De pronto le hago la sugerencia de estudiar para el final.

06-05-09 16:02 A
Jajajajajajaja... No con el. De pronto con otro niño de la misma clase, que igual de ñoño pero mas inteligente serviria para estudiar y "estudiar".

06-05-09 16:14 A
Jajajaja. Dije que de pronto con otro, no que tuviera ganas de "estudiar". Bastante pateticamente no con ellos, ni si quiera el que de pronto.

06-05-09 17:09 A
Creo que me estoy convirtiendo en N1, solo que me sobra malicia.

06-05-09 17:11 A
Parece que no interactuara con suficientes hombres

06-05-09 17:14 A
No se.

06-05-09 17:32 A
Pues en teoria la biologica, con mis niveles de neurosis (sabes de la histeria como enfermedad? Funny story) De resto, no con cualquiera, por no decir que solo con D, que por muchas razones es una idea ridicula.

06-05-09 18:03 A
Un poco. Soy de mente abierta. Si me empezara a gustar una mujer no tendria problema. Los hombres puedo distinguir si me atraen, si son lindos, tiernos, etc. Pero no necesariamente hace que me gusten ni me provoque "estudiar" con alguno.

06-05-09 18:09 A
Si, eso es lo grave.

19-07-09 18:34 AOB
Happy birthday! I can't harass you until 10pm because I'll be watching Harry Potter, and I may not remeber to, so have a happy birthday and many merry unbirthdays after that! :)

08-09-09 09:29 A
Para el registro twilight zone: un viejo verde se me acaba de sentar al lado en el bus, diciendo que estoy muy bonita, preguntando de dondne soy y que estudio. Ew

08-09-09 09:35 A
Le dije que estudiaba mecanica, me pregunto si en los andes y dije que no. Me dijo que debia ser calentana y volvi a decir que no. era todo gordo y me espichaba contra la ventana...

08-09-09 09:58 A
Yo no se si lo dijo porque no me dejaba espichar... Cada vez que me empujaba no me dejaba mover. Maldito gordo viejo verde...

Completely unrelated

1. Yesterday I found out my grandfather (my dad's dad) used to play soccer. Professionally, with a well known team. (Santa Fé) Wow.

2. Last night I had a nightmare. I was out with my little one and it was late at night. Some man dressed in black and blue started chasing me. He was just walking, actually, but moving was so hard, it was almost as if I had one of those weird paralysis. I really could bearly drag myself across, and all I wanted was to get us through the front door and close it. By the time I did, it took me so long to close it I woke up to the thought that he might've crept through with us, slipping by as I took time to close the door, not looking at him. The odd thing is, my little one woke from a nightmare, too, just when I did.

3. Shortly after we all finished eating, but while we were still sitting at the table and some had already left to smoke, I suddenly felt a very strange urge to leave, to get the hell away from the table, from the dining room. I had time to realise how crazy it was.

Saturday, 8 May 2010

I'm as lousy as Sheldon

I never come up with the right comebacks in time. Remember that "I'll be with my friends, not in Bta" comment? Yeah, I only just thought of a comeback: "I rest my case".

Thursday, 6 May 2010

I get it

I understand why Antanas gets all sentimental. People are marching just outside the classroom I'll have the analysis exam in a while. I have to study, or I'd join them (I even wore a green shirt, as requested, under a big black sweater). It's really very moving. It's cathartic, and I'm not even a part of the group outside. Normally the monotonous chant of Antanas' mottos would seem very 1984 to me, but it brings a tear to my eye (literally, that's why I get Antanas) to hear so many people saying everything's possible with education, life is sacred and that we all are sacred. It must be embarrassing to follow Santos right now, what with the new publicist working here illegally and how little time they've spent proving themselves better instead of pointing fingers at Antanas. Seriously, there's precious little wrong in him, and they don't even hint at what's actually not that good about him. As for other candidates... well, I'm sorry because some of them (Petro, VLl) are actually very capable and have fairly good plans. I do wish Antanas could compete against them, rather than Santos. His victory would be all the more worthwhile.

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Annie

I like to reason nonsense, so bear with me here: when I was little several of my teachers said I'd grow up to be a beauty queen (this idea persisted until I left Ctg, the Mgrt used to call me miss universe, and I didn't once believe any of it). It only makes sense now, I guess, that when teachers arranged for us to do a play about "Annie" when we were about to leave the little kids' school and started choosing the parts they asked me to be Annie. I said no because I was hoping to be the woman who takes care of Annie, instead of some orphan. What can I say? I never saw it as a chance to shine out as a star of any kind, I just didn't want to pretend being some lousy orphan if there was a chance I'd get to be the "cool" woman I can't even remember now. I ended up being some random orphan, completely unimportant for the play. A says I should've gone for Annie, and that it was stupid to give up the part because every girl wanted to play Annie in the play. Something along those lines, at any rate. I've never had a position on the subject. I don't exactly regret not choosing Annie any more than I regret being stuck as a boring orphan.

I wonder if there's something to it along the lines of how I related to Belle from The Beauty and the Beast. You see, I was given a chance to shine, to be the star, to be on the spotlight, and I gave it up. I had what it takes (whatever it could be when I was 5-6), and just chose not to be the lead because I wanted something else and didn't get it either. Maybe on some level I've done that over and over again, without really noticing it.

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

IMMD, only not quite

I take the fact that people are selfish and more likely to be mean than nice for granted. It always surprises me when people are nice for no particular reason, even more so when they're nice to me. I'm not that nice in general. Today while I was in Pentagono a girl who's in my abstract algebra class and also teaches in Pentagono offered me an old exam when she saw me studying, so I could copy the questions and think on them as preparation for today's exam. It was very sweet of her, really, and very unexpected, as we never speak. I didn't manage to come up with reasonably good answers, but the questions from the old exam showed up in today's exam. I made sure to say thanks several times when she gave me the exam paper. When I got to the classroom, I briefly chatted with a few of the guys. 2's friend, who'd asked if I had notes from class asked if I'd studied, and some other boy took an interest in just how bad I'm doing.

I really think it's that much sweeter when people are nice without any need to, it gives me hope in humanity to see that such small selfless acts are still possible among strangers. And yet in my twisted mind I can't help but wonder if they all pity me and do what they can to help retarded me. I'm pretty damn sure I fucked up in the test, so goodbye to my much needed score of 4+ and hello Mr. Jbrad if I don't perchance make it past 5 in this semester's final exam.

Monday, 3 May 2010

Eager

All I can remember from last night's dream (blame it on only sleeping for 5 hours and having waaay too much to learn) is I talked to 4. We were both on chairs, not unlike the ones in classrooms, and he struck up a conversation. Apparently, he'd wanted to talk to me for quite a while and didn't have the courage to until someone told him to do so, that it would be ok.

[afternoon edit:]
2 chatted with me about the probability homework due in today. He didn't smell so good today, I was quite disenchanted, if that's even a word. When he approached me, "Ice, ice baby" was playing on my laptop... I would've been a bit embarrassed if he'd heard it, good thing I had headphones on.

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Wrong on so many levels

Goodness... First of all, I wish D had just blocked me so I could for once and for all delete him from my messenger. I wouldn't have been tempted to put him in my contacts list, or unblock him while I was offline, should he by any chance drop a message (see how wrong this is already?). What's worse, I forgot I'd unblocked him and went online for about 4 hours without noticing what I'd done. He wasn't online (officially, I'm tempted to believe he might've logged in), and I'm still freaking out. It's like that time when I told R1 I still loved D. It felt to me that I had somehow opened a door, and that D would just slip through the crack back into my life. I want him to, sometimes. Which is why it's so fucked up that I opened that window of him seeing me online, maybe. Because now I'll wonder if he felt anything when he saw me online, much like I died a little when I saw him online. I'll wonder if he'll be tempted to say anything. After telling R1, quite a while after I told him actually, once when I talked to R1 he mentioned D was at his place and told him to say hi. It took me a few full minutes to react and figure out you're supposed to say "likewise" in such situations. I'd been waiting for a crack, and, of course, nothing actually happened. I'm really losing my mind here, I really am becoming a stalker, I'm really unhealthily obsessed and I really need an actual distraction from all things D related.

Amusement

I had a dream in a cartoon network themed amusement park. My cousin's grandma was telling something about a lover she had once. I also remember running around a lot, seeing the same places over and over.

In another dream I was in an african american hair salon. Can't remember what happened in it, though.

In yet another dream my aunts argued and I was with my aunt MT who suggested we stop someplace in a mountain where there were dolphins in a pond and daisies. My aunt A found us there.

A small petty note: EBF and N2 have been together for a year (well, they will tomorrow). Reading his status update made me uncomfortable. Normally (as if there were such a thing anymore) I would be happy for him, proud of him for keeping it in his pants away from her and also for committing to a longterm relationship like this. Instead I'm bitter because I'm too distant to be "allowed" to be happy or proud. I want to be happy for him, I really do. But I'm too bitter about the fact that I'm in no position to be happy for him to take time and actually be happy for him.

Saturday, 1 May 2010

Medieval

I had this dream last night where I was a fae, if you will. I lived in a tree, and people who wanted to see me just walked by it. Some guy asked me out on what could only be a medieval date. I refused, and I was both playful and harsh when I did, a tid bit unusual in me. I don't remember what happened with him, or whether what I'm about to write happened before or after. I was in a manor, and I needed to escape from men. Much like the time I "knew" water could carry voices, I knew I had to mislead them, because once I did, even if they got on horses, they'd never catch up with me. So I jumped out a window and ran for a small farm I'd been in before, only when I ran in its general direction I couldn't see it anywhere.

In another dream, people studying maths gathered for some sort of presentation. There might've been awards, but I can't remember. I do remember sitting at a table with people who had probability homework to do, just like me.