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Wednesday, 31 March 2010

On friends

Titles make me uncomfortable. Calling someone your best friend is about as weird as those "in a relationship" facebook status that result in "just because I gave you a pity _____ doesn't mean we're in a relationship". See, I can reasonably call A and AOB my best girl and guy friends at this very moment, but the feeling needs not be mutual. Calling them my best friends, in my context, means I've very few friends and they just so happen to be the bests among not all that many. Not that anyone will be taking their places anytime soon, as if it were a close tie... They're just the best of few. I can't call them anything else, can I? Technically, even though the name often feels inappropriate, they are my best friends. It only feels wrong because I feel I'm not allowed to call them that unless they can say the same of me. Don't suppose that's going to happen, though.

I've never been truly best friends with A. We owe each other a lot, we're oldest friends, if you will, and the long time we've known each other has added significant amounts of trust and knowledge points on both sides. She knows more facts about me than most, possibly more than anyone if she remembers them. The point being that she's had a lot more access than the general public ever gets. Be that as it may, I don't think she's called me her best friend often. Maybe in a tight spot in front of our parents or whatever, but not really. I hold no grudges there, but I can remember she was closer to N1 in Ctg than she was to me and long before that she was closer to some Spanish girl than to me (she called this Spanish girl her best friend, I resented it then, I don't mind it much now). I suppose we're good friends, if anything, because telling one another things is easier when we already know most of the history behind any events that may come to happen. For some weird reason we still talk to one another and tell important events, that's what our friendship is reduced to now.

When she left and I was still in Ctg she's the only one I could talk to about D. She knew, but also, being one of the smarter people who's known me that long, she understood. In a cycle of sorts, I told her about stuff because I'd already told her about stuff. When she asked me to talk, when we "fell apart" I didn't know what was wrong. She argued we'd fallen apart, and it came across as if she were jealous of EBF. That part I understood, but I didn't see what gave her a right to be upset, and she could see that there was nothing. We've never been that close. Her list of friends wouldn't normally include me, she celebrated her birthday with others. Even though I was invited through facebook I couldn't have possibly guessed where the party was to be held because I'm not in on their jokes and it didn't have to make sense. I don't exactly get along with her friends. Not that I'm particularly uncomfortable around them, they're good people I'm sure, I just don't get along with them. Never did.

I started thinking all this while I was cooking today. I've spent most of an afternoon and a good deal of this night cooking for tomorrow, because I invited her over for a small dessert buffet. Things haven't gone too well, the cookie dough was ruined for some reason and the cheesecakes seem to have stuck. I'll have to check them tomorrow morning to see if once they're cold the fat holds them together. Likely enough, I'll only meet disaster. Not just becaue of the desserts, I'm trying too hard. I'm doing all this for her birthday (and offered to buy a present) but really I shouldn't, and she pointed it out. I don't think she was just doing the polite thing to do. We're not such good friends, after all, so it makes no sense for me to waste myself and my time like that. I've told her about the last dinner fiasco. She'll probably try extra hard to make it here on account of that, and I'll appreaciate the gesture. But I know even now it's a rather empty one, just as mine is. We're doing it out of loyalty, we owe each another that, I think.

Bears

"Daniel el r____oso se pone huevoso con Laura grasoso"

I could see that on facebook sometime in a dream inside a dream. I woke from one dream to write it down, while I could still remember the r word (some word game on his middle name, I think). I then really woke up and forgot what it was. I believe it's supposed to mean D's now in a relationship with some girl named Laura. I've no idea why I chose those words in my dream though.

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Firstborns

I don't intend to have any, for the record. I just have these ideas on what first borns would be. First, mine:
D: boy
2: girl
3: boy
AOB: girl
LesMisGuy: girl, then boy
SmTn: girl (and a beautiful girl, too)

As for EBF, something tells me here's how it would go:
N2: girl
Arc: boy

Also, AOB is a lion.

Passwords

I was in the Vatican, I think, as part of some videogame and I had to take things the priests had taken from others. Also, my aunt, uncle and mum were at work getting thingd ready for my aunt's arrival, but she didn't like the soap (it was the cheap green soap), or the bathrooms, which looked old and very oldfashioned. Also, I was later in school, being lectured by some important professor from Harvard or another Ivy League university. I was with N1, sitting by a windowsill that had flowers in it. The class, whatever it was about, was very interesting, but N1 wasn't paying attention, so he called her out. Later, I was with Q and others, discussing passwords and usernames. When that was over, I left and took a seat at a restaurant table. Q and some blonde woman came later. I felt like a third wheel, but I'd gotten there first, and I was too proud to be pushed over, so I stayed and tried to look busy. Don't know what else happened.

A brief note: long phone calls make me uncomfortable. AOB called on Saturday and the call that should've stuck to cancelling our Saturday plans extended, even though he kept yawning and I told him to go to sleep. He told me he'd written his first Rx, a psych/neuro consult. I couldn't sit still, so I kept moving from one place to the other, getting a drink, opening a window, looking for nothing in particular. Eventually we hung up, I think he could tell I was making myself busy, even though I said I wasn't. Actually, he could probably tell I felt awkward. Chatting with him for hours, cool. Talking on the phone... weird.

Friday, 26 March 2010

Museum

For one, I was meeting EBF in a museum, or I was going to a museum, and EBF wanted to be at the same museum I was going to. He left me messages saying he'd wait for me at a certain museum, and I was planning to go to some other museum to avoid him.

In another dream, A's brother took pictures, apparently really cool ones.

There was also something about EBF's trip to China, only I can't remember what about it.

Someone saw the virgin of Guadalajara.

Thursday, 25 March 2010

Call it anything you want

But I wouldn't go for coincidence. I was sitting in the classroom I had class in next when I was done with lunch, as I usually do. It's nice, because I can get there as early as 1pm (having class at 2pm) take my computer out, put on the headphones, and even sleep (or at least rest my eyes) a little. The time that should have been wasted in not having much to think about was ruined when EBF saw me from the door with N2. He motioned for a bit, but there are a few reasons I didn't bother looking up: 1) if it were Cq, he would've come in and I'd already ran into him; 2) it couldn't be AOB, I'd already looked at his schedule; 3) anyone else would've just come in to say hi, 4) I didn't really think of it, but I didn't want to talk to EBF if it was actually him.

He came in and said hi, so I had to say hi back. He talked about what was written on the board, he said my class looked terrible, and I explained it was from the class before mine. I told him mine was a bit worse, with it being analysis taught by a man who still mistranslated italian to English to Spanish (though I may have messed up the order). At this point I blushed, and I was very self-conscious about it. I don't know why I blushed, but I did, it was uncomfortable, and more than before, I just wished he'd never come. He then asked about some other class, and the economy exam for that, when he asked my grade I said I didn't know. It sounds silly, but I said I'd look it up and I put my sudoku game on hold to look it up. Before I did (but when I was just about to click the link to my grades) he said he had stuff to do, so he said good bye and left.

I can't tell myself enough how much it pissed me off. I just... UGH! It's not fair! If he died today I'd wouldn't feel sorry, because I already know there wasn't anything left to be said, and it's not like we talk anyway. It made me so mad, you know? The way he walked in just like that and ruined my time of peace. Normally (and we're a long way from what was once normal) I wouldn't have minded, we could have chatted a bit and then left it at that. But the way things are now, and the manner of the short talk today all I could think was "YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT!!!".

The hypocrisy! The nerve! The way he said "have I told you yet I'm going to China for, like, a year?" The way he says anything that starts with "have I told you yet..." is infuriating! WE DON'T TALK! It's not like it's hard to keep track of a conversation every couple of months, even less so when you consider who short and blah our conversations now are. He knows what he's told me, and it's just rude to pretend we talk that much and pretend he can't keep track of it, or that it's just that boring talking to me he can't be bothered to remember. Either way, he should've stayed the fuck away from me, out of the classroom, out of my way, out of my thoughts. He had a chance to walk away when I didn't turn to look at him. He should've used it.

I hate to sound like one of those idiots who change their messenger personal messages to friendship related crappy quotes, I'm going for bitter old hag (and I realise it may come out a bit desperate). I get to be a bitter old hag. The sooner he's out of my life, where I can't see him, where I can't be worried about seeing him, or even having to ask him if he'd like to go out, the better. It will be as relieving as it is to know D is out of my life like that. I'm not tempted to start writing to either because I've appropriately deleted them from my messenger contacts list. Should they notice, the action "delete" is available should they right-click on my name. I don't have to worry about seeing D, and I didn't worry about seeing EBF, I was confident if we had to cross paths, we would have before. He knows where I hang out, or could remember, but that was a hypocritical question too, so I don't suppose it matters. I miss them both, in very different ways, but if I'm not reminded of their existence I can go on living without it. Seeing EBF today and talking to him like that was just a reminder of it.

Though it's probably just in my mind, it also seemed to me, by the way he left, that he was trying to have the last say, and somehow get a "win" out of leaving like that. Uncalled for, is what that is. I'm telling you, just like the time he said he'd be spending half of next week's time with N2 and half with his friends (obviously not including me, or AOB, or you know, anyone not belonging to the economy/business admnistration clique). Not that he will, but if he asks me to any sort of farewell party, I'm not going. He won't, I'm sure. I think he only called so we could go to wok after my birthday because he felt obliged to do it. Even then, he didn't bother wishing me a happy birthday, which somehow makes it worse. So, if he asks, if I'm confronted with the question, I'll say "no thanks, I'd really rather not (see you, talk to you, or have any contact with you AT ALL)".

... And I thought all I'd add to the blog today was a post regarding the guy who asked me out for lunch and/or coffee. He was near the entrance when I got to university, I avoided him, got to Pentagono, and he went after me, I think. He could tell I was busy, so he only asked from afar if I could remember with sin(pi) was. Later when I was having lunch he walked by, but didn't say anything. Seeing him that often kinda made me feel followed, that was all.

You know what makes things worse? When he left, some guy came into the classroom, and asked a short question. I answered and more than once tried to squeeze some more conversation out of it, I felt chatty, I needed someone to talk to, and the "next best thing", because I couldn't write in my blog (it wouldn't do to be all teary-eyed for class, would it?), was him.

I can't tell A, she doesn't like it when I rant about EBF, so I only talk to her when I need someone who agrees with me. I'd tell AOB, but his computer is still broken, most likely, and I couldn't tell him as much as I need to tell. So I can only tell myself.

Now?

I had a dream where I chatted with EBF and he asked "can we go out now?". I said nothing. I don't know if there was any emphasis on either word, but I woke thinking the emphasis was on now. If it turns out to be important, my mum was vacuuming my room, and I sometimes took the vacuum cleaner from her to clean insect corpses.

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Challenge/test

Writing dreams down this late at night is no good, all I remember now is being my dad and sometimes myself, diving in a deep pool, sometimes having trouble getting air, for some challenge or test of some sort. In another scene I stood in front of an area where people were working to build something. I remember they made huge cubes with sand and compacted them, and then left them to dry before they could go on building. I had apparently arranged the construction of whatever it was they were building, and I showed my dad its progress.

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

A date?

Around 9:30am today I helped out some guy with differential equations. It's not unusual to stick around and chat with people who ask for help, so I figured when we chatted about maths, and how he'd considered taking some classes from maths, we were all good. He asked about my social life, asked if I had a boyfriend, and then as he left he asked when I'd be available to go out for coffee, or lunch. That's when I started thinking "nuh-uh...", so I said I had almost no time to spare, and said I'd be here if he needed me any other time. We could chat if no others needed my help, and that was it. So weird.

Monday, 22 March 2010

SO frustrating

What is *wrong* with blogger? I was typing an entry called “Actively waiting”, which was oddly enough pretty nice, for my taste. It included a nice quote where I mentioned I kept looking around corners hoping to find something I’ve been waiting for, but kept walking in circles. It sounded so much better the way I had phrased it… FUCK! I can’t believe FUCKING BLOGSPOT COULDN’T SAVE WHAT I WAS WRITING AND FUCKING DECIDED TO GO AHEAD AND SAVE A COPY OF MY POST RIGHT WHEN IT DELETED ITSELF WHEN I TRIED TO SELECT, COPY AND SAVE IT BEFORE POSTING. SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING!

I mentioned, and I sure as hell won’t go into details for a third time, that I only play the part of the trigger in my life. My only part in my life is to trigger the main event. Or at least it feels like it. So I check after every insignificant act whether I’ve triggered whatever it is I’m waiting for or not. I wrote about the oxymoron of something being constantly about to happen, and how it related to extending a single point as an interval. I used maths to prove this logic. I mentioned fantasies involving marrying a prince, becoming rich and famous, and how I’ve been into them (as well as becoming a superhero, a card captor, or a witch) since I was a little girl, always knowing why. They all offer an alternative life, one that’s awesome as opposed to the boring one I’m stuck with. I mentioned the David Gale quote about how we’re only truly happy daydreaming of future happiness, and how much I’d like to discuss it with AOB. I talked about how this is just me weaning myself from EBF and how talking to A would be no good. I talked about the time when I thought I was happier remembering the night of my 15th birthday celebration, when D kissed me, than I was with D at all and how I gave the latter up for the sake of the first. I talked about pictures of myself in some magazine.

This sucks even more than trying to remember a dream. FUCK!!! I’ll see if I can elaborate on this when I’m any less angry. I just hope Word doesn’t fuck up too.

I can't believe being able to keep track of my thoughts could be this necessary. I hate the fact that I seem to lose all moments of lucidly brilliant thought. This time, I was going to have evidence and then blogger went and fucked up. DAMMIT!

What is (possibly a re-post)

What is *wrong* with blogger? I was typing an entry called “Actively waiting”, which was oddly enough pretty nice, for my taste. It included a nice quote where I mentioned I kept looking around corners hoping to find something I’ve been waiting for, but kept walking in circles. It sounded so much better the way I had phrased it… FUCK! I can’t believe FUCKING BLOGSPOT COULDN’T SAVE WHAT I WAS WRITING AND FUCKING DECIDED TO GO AHEAD AND SAVE A COPY OF MY POST RIGHT WHEN IT DELETED ITSELF WHEN I TRIED TO SELECT, COPY AND SAVE IT BEFORE POSTING. SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING!

I mentioned, and I sure as hell won’t go into details for a third time, that I only play the part of the trigger in my life. My only part in my life is to trigger the main event. Or at least it feels like it. So I check after every insignificant act whether I’ve triggered whatever it is I’m waiting for or not. I wrote about the oxymoron of something being constantly about to happen, and how it related to extending a single point as an interval. I used maths to prove this logic. I mentioned fantasies involving marrying a prince, becoming rich and famous, and how I’ve been into them (as well as becoming a superhero, a card captor, or a witch) since I was a little girl, always knowing why. They all offer an alternative life, one that’s awesome as opposed to the boring one I’m stuck with. I mentioned the David Gale quote about how we’re only truly happy daydreaming of future happiness, and how much I’d like to discuss it with AOB. I talked about how this is just me weaning myself from EBF and how talking to A would be no good. I talked about the time when I thought I was happier remembering the night of my 15th birthday celebration, when D kissed me, than I was with D at all and how I gave the latter up for the sake of the first. I talked about pictures of myself in some magazine.

This sucks even more than trying to remember a dream. FUCK!!! I’ll see if I can elaborate on this when I’m any less angry. I just hope Word doesn’t fuck up too.

For the record

I was bored, and I'm still too lazy to do any actual work, so I looked through my facebook status updates. I gave up on being EBF's friend on June 7th, 2008. At least it's my first record of it. It's down as "Lina Fajardo gibt auf". I'm not 100% sure they're related, but posts "...it has begun..." and "stuck in an nfl" dating back to April 14th and May 22nd may also refer to about the same state of mind. I'm pretty sure I had no good reason to write them and make them public if I weren't somehow expecting them to be read. Not that they would be read. Or that it would make a difference if they were. Couldn't know which was the case, either way I've had almost two years to know this is fucked up beyond repair.

Let me see if I can remember this...

I remembered my dream just now in the shower, and now that I'm done showering, I can't remember much. For one, I remember being in my cousins' grandfather's island (not anymore, I think), with A and some of her friends as well as my parents and my cousins. We were hungry, so I wanted some green mangoes, strawberries, ravioli with tomato sauce and grilled tomatoes. When I started preparing the pasta, A's friend (second one she made out with) pointed out my crown of half ravioli was very ingenious. The green mangoes we got from a small mango tree. It only just now strikes me as odd that it was so small (no even 2m tall), because all mango trees are huge. In another dream, my university's classrooms became rooms in a museum, and I talked to the girl I sometimes study with, because I needed her advice with some form of matrix to store information in. It was called NVI, or something like that. It was an acronym. Can't remember what I needed it for, though. Also, in another dream, L1 came over to my room and we agreed to exercise at least 30min every day. Apparently, doing so together made me more willing to work out.

Sunday, 21 March 2010

New (?) pattern

I don't dare say I'm falling for him, but I've found myself thinking of AOB more often than I usually would. It's not just the fact that we were together most of the day yesterday, it's how pleasant his company is. I know I ruled him out because of his height, but you know? I'm starting to find ways around that, that's what tells me I'm starting to get serious. I'm even reading in to his behaviour, most likely making every possible mistake at that, because I thought too much about two tiny events yesterday: 1) he was very emphatic on not being able to transmit whatever's got him ill, and he made a point out of telling me it's not HIV. He mentioned blood, but I started to think he might've meant body fluids, so I just said we weren't getting into an accident together and it would be fine. 2) When he left, he almost said something and then didn't. Could've been anything. Could've been nothing at all.

So much for myself and silly ideas, eh? It's funny, though. I never considered EBF, but I do AOB. For one, Mother Nature wants me to have children with AOB, rather than EBF, but considering I'm not planning to have any, and based on the intellectual side I like(d?) so much about both they should be more even. Taking into account the fact that D probably never really loved me, 2's unavailable (because of his girlfriend), and AOB's made it clear he's definitely not looking for a relationship, I'm starting to think I've found a pattern: unavailability. It would somehow mean I at some point had a chance with EBF (dancing/physics lessons? guitar songs in half lit rooms?... yeah, right...). I immediately ruled him out though. I'm too busy for anyone because I'm still too focused on D. Even 2 and AOB are minor crushes, in descending order.

I can even safely state neither crush is just about hormones and genetics, I can guarantee neither is in any way of a sexual nature. I just figure they'd be amazing boyfriend material for someone like me, and it's saying a lot. They could put up with my BS, or at least reasonable amounts of it, and I'd be willing to at least kiss and hug them. Not just that, I'd let them near me. It's a huge deal. Even kissing EBF on his cheek was weird.

Just so I can read back if anything happens, I've narrowed it down a lot: if anything happens between me and AOB, he'll tell me about it first, and if we kiss, we'll be sitting down side by side. It could easily happen watching a film if we take one of those silent pauses to talk about the plot, a particular scene, or bad translations in the captions.

Time travel

I can't remember exactly how it was done, but I traveled through time more than once in my dreams last night. I think the Mad Hatter from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland was involved. One of the times I went back in time I belonged to a sort of justice league. We got together in a small room and when about half of us left, robbers went in after them to whatever place they went. The second time around, I got us to run to where we were needed the second we first heard the cries for help. The other time I traveled I can't remember well, but I do know I was in a car driven by 2, where we passed by several math students (including 4) who were unwilling to share some secret or other with us.

Friday, 19 March 2010

I *hate* economists

AAARRRRRGGGHHHH!!!!! I hate economists, explaining anything to all but one of them is a nightmare. Today I was stuck with a smuck who spoke of "lagrantian", called lambdas (which looked like 'd's frankly) alphas, and didn't understand or remember even the basics of matrix products. He didn't even copy stuff out from class right, and insisted it was just his lousy handwriting which I didn't understand. I hinted that he should either ask someone else or go to ECOMAMI, I had no business having to understand the bullshit he works with.

By the time I got him to understand at least some of the maths, he lingered. He lingered. He started chitchatting, asking why I got mad explaining that I don't know half of the things he refers to by the wrong name or in very specific cases of what I know the general theory for. He gets no right to be stupid and annoyingly fresh. He excused his bad maths with studying, on the side, political science, criticised (and I don't mind that he did, I realise I have a very limited view of the world) my admittedly wrong memories of what I was taught in school about capitalism and politics, but most insultingly tried to make his simplified point of view the only valid point of view.

He said I should've gone on with philosophy, whether I passed the subjects or not, whether or not it got me behind, lowered my average and meant my parents would have to pay a lot of money to keep up with it. He's clearly spoiled and doesn't understand it's really not as simple as losing $10 million. I may not be a brilliant mathematician, and I may not have the best self esteem possible, but I'm well aware of the fact that I'm still fairly smart and I hate it when I'm told to believe in something I have good reason to believe is just plain wrong. What a godawful way to waste my IOU time. The only economist I'd even bother holding a conversation with is the (almost surely) gay guy who asks for my help at least once a week. I'd call him a regular, only it makes me sound like a prostitute. Still, he's nice. Oh, and I mean it, the only one.

Changing the subject for a line, Dx just walked in front of me and didn't come say hi. That makes my day a little bit better. :D

[22:21 edit:]
Again, change of subject, around a half hour before I had to leave, J2 came to Pentagono in a hurry, saying he needed help finishing some homework to be handed in less than half an hour. He said he hadn't even been to class. I can only imagine he's been out watching women get naked. He offered me a beer for my help, as if I'd take it. I told him candy were better thanks. AOB wrote, asked if we'd watch movies even if J2 can't make it (yeah, he can't... I may be now a bit paranoid, but A's friend jd asked in on the fun Cq and J2 had all to themselves, and they may be going out together). I may have ranted a bit too much about J2, so there's a chance we won't be getting together, which would suck. He hasn't answered, but he's only online from his iPhone, so I couldn't tell if he's even seen the messages. I wonder if it's worthwhile telling AOB to ask EBF to come over. I sure as hell ain't telling him. But I don't want it to feel like we're on a date if A can't make it (she's obviously booked for the weekend, because of her birthday). I could ask Cq, but I can't be sure he'll say yes, so that leaves me where I started. It might be cancelled and I'll be stuck grading papers.

Thursday, 18 March 2010

Taxi!

I had a dream last night were I sat down on the floor near the hospital on the way here with FlowerGuy and 2, studying analysis. They're neither of them in the class anymore, but I could use all the help I could get to study so I didn't mind. They asked what we'd done in the last couple of classes and I couldn't really remember, even though I haven't missed any of them. 2 and I started turning the pages of a book, and our fingers touched when we did at the same time. It became a sort of game.

Elsewhere in my dream a man was suing the nation for some injustice or other and was demanding 30 million (I don't suppose it was pesos, they wouldn't have put it in the news), but the state refused to look into the trial. I also remember sitting in a car with a screen, and I could tune in to whatever other cars with screens were watching. I targeted a couple of taxis. Oddly enough, I didn't want to see what they were seeing, I was trying to play a DVD or something in the screen of the car I was in. In the end my dad and I started arguing about politics, because he was trying to tell my cousin to buy a lot of crap regarding the trial.

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Double plus...

Fuck. I screwed up so stupidly in today's test. It's been a long time since I last misread that badly, what I made out to be 3s had actually been measured in hundreds. The question, obviously, made a lot more sense that way. Damn it. The fact that I didn't manage to figure out the solutions to either of the other two questions I needed guarantees I can't even look forward to a 4. Double plus fuck!

Incestuous Britney

I had a dream where Britney Spears had sex with her son, and taught him it was normal, and when he was away with his girlfriend and her mother Britney showed up and took him away, which gave her away.

In another dream, EBF was here. He came over, I don't know why, and he lay on my bed. As he started to fall asleep I came to look for him and offered him to come have lunch with us, we were having lunch outside in the garden, fo rosme reason. He told me about his sister, and I saw a picture of her with her hair dyed red with a little blonde and about a month old dark roots. I also talked to him about the film AOB and I talked about seeing, and when I started typing something regarding the film we were to watch, he read my thoughts out loud, so I stopped typing and gave that up.

In yet another dream, I saw lots of women in gala dresses, most of them with feathers and other such extravagant things. I decided my sister's prom dress would look great with an overdone tail, only short, a bit like the one in Cinderella's stepsisters' dresses.

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

TMI list (I mean it, Too Much Information)

The title is supposed to be a warning. I'm labelling this as censored, but if you're tempted to read other censored posts and didn't mind, I'm pretty sure you'll mind reading this. It's probably a lot more explicit than it should be, but at this very moment I'm the only person reading and writing, so I can't be bothered for the opinion of others. Go on reading at your peril.

Men I like:
- Must smell good.
- Must be tall, at least my height.
- Must not be douchey. No can do, specially if he looks stewped.
- Must have "enough" hair (an awesome beard, full, even, fast growing and on a gorgeous square jaw like D's doesn't hurt, but it's not mandatory).
- Must have nice eyes.
- Must have good arms; not necessarily muscular, but not too thin, or flabby.
I don't look at a man's body in general. I don't look at nor appreciate a man's butt, really. It makes no sense to me. He must be at least my height, and short of obese. I don't mind wobbly, or just a little fat. Cleancut helps, but it's not mandatory. A broad back helps, but again, it's not mandatory either. I don't know if I have a race preference, most men I know are white or a mix of white with indigenous, so it's sheer numbers if men I've been interested in fit in these categories.

History:
I don't think I have any STDs. I've only been with D, the only body fluids exchanged were saliva and semen when I gave him blowjobs. Even then, I didn't swallow. I haven't checked, but if I trust he couldn't have had that many other girls (I'm at least 40% sure I gave him his first ever blowjob), or he wouldn't have come to me. Depressing as it may be, I think of myself as his last option when in need, and he only gave it up when he figured he could find others he liked better.

Experience:
I've kissed, French kissed, fondled, and given blowjobs. If you can call it that, in return I've been kissed, French kissed, fondled, fingered and had my nipples sucked. Taking into consideration several suggestions, and my 3/4 success rate with blowjobs (only given 4 total, fyi, and the failure was because he wasn't focusing, we were in the cinema and he couldn't keep it up), I can't say I'm any good at any of those. The fact that it's been years since I last tried any probably makes little difference.

Expectations:
I never came with D. He asked, and I answered honestly that I hadn't. It only strikes me now that I may have been too honest, and should have lied if only to boost his ego. But I most likely wouldn't if anything happens in the future. I'd rather teach a guy to know how to be sure than tell him everytime. I don't actually care whether I come or not, and I'd rather give than receive, anytime, never mind any sense of justice. I'm happier kissing, holding hands, and hugging than I am when involved in sexual activities. I really enjoy them only when hard work pays off as stupid smiles. The rest is only just ok.

Musings of the day

Where to begin? I have no time to study, yet I waste it writing and checking the news instead of studying. I felt a bit bad today in analysis class when Sfer stared at me (as unnervingly as always) and asked me if I'd done the exercises for the not-to-be-handed-in-homework and I had to say no. He still creeped me the fuck out all throughout class: he smelled (less pungent this time, but still, disgusting) and he kept looking at me and licking his lips pulling his whole tongue out (as opposed to what most people do if they just need to whet their lips: using just the tip). More than once he lost track of what he was saying when he suddenly stared at me and I looked him in the eyes. It's usually polite to look at people in the eye when they're talking, so it's what I do with all professors when they're teaching and I'm not falling asleep during class, but I found myself avoiding his gaze. *shudders* I don't like those classes. I wish I at least had 2 to hang around with during class.

When analysis was over and I was walking to the next classroom, D's friend and his girlfriend passed by. I think he stared a bit, turning his head a full 90º to look at me or the boring wall behind me. This got me thinking 1) I'm so glad I didn't care (much) that he saw me, I would have freaked out at the thought of him possibly being around D, but D isn't in the same university anymore so I'm safe; 2) I must have looked a bit like crap, with that oversized scruffy grey sweater, and I started thinking about whether or not he'd report back to D... Of course, D doesn't need or want to know if his friend saw me, or what I looked like, I was just being silly; 3)D's friend and his girlfriend have been together for a very long time! At least 5 years, by my count. I'm jealous, I find myself wishing it had been me and D being together all this time.

Bored during algebra, I came up with an idea for the next post: TMI. Largely because my hormones are still onto me and I started thinking of what it would be like to make out with AOB, and stopping him to ask just how serious we were (we're not drunk, or high... are we serious or are we horny?). Really, it's about the only way for things to go, I suppose. I'd just end up being too honest and telling him a lot of unnecessary information. For no good reason, actually... in most relationships (and we wouldn't really have one) it's never even mentioned. I've figured out one thing, though: height is important to me. It's just weird being with someone shorter than me, so that's been working to stop me from thinking such nonsense.

I can't keep myself from thinking of D, though. I've been elaborating on this for days, but here is how it went tonight: D is in an accident which leaves him in a coma in the hospital AOB goes to. For some reason I join AOB there and passing by, I recognise D, who's a John Doe at the hospital. I try reaching his mum, or friends, to no avail, and unable to just sit there and wait or do nothing at all, I'm allowed to sit next to him. Over time, instead of just sitting there I start holding his hand. Miraculously (try ridiculously) he starts dreaming, about me, and talking during his sleep. He asks me to come back to him in his dreams. By the time he wakes up he thinks he's had an epiphany and asks to talk to me which somehow brings us together. Rubbish, I know.

Early this morning, as I was leaving Pentagono to go have lunch I saw R1 and we talked. He gave me his new phone number, apologised for not having shown up at the fiasco that should have been mexican dinner here and asked if I'd talked to L1 about going out someplace. As if! We won't be going out, I know people will cancel at the last minute. Besides, I hated the way L1 asked. Really, I suppose I'm bitter because they didn't so much as suggest we go out someplace for my birthday. Just the crappy facebook message. I get those from people I don't talk to. Well fuck them, luckily I don't care too much whether we go out or not. I'd much rather (and am much more likely to) go out (anywhere) with AOB or stay home and chat with him online.

Monday, 15 March 2010

I know I've said it before

Talking to AOB is so much fun. It really is, I mean it. It seems we can talk about anything, and everything evolves naturally into everything else, and ever so smoothly, too. Just during the car ride, we discussed The Silmarillion, Sigur Rôs, my grandmother's lunacy, his brother's sociopathy, my back, Mika, traffic, why he's a doctor, mathematicians' behaviour in the wild, Radiohead, citrus zesters... I could go on, but there's no real way to string things together, so I can't easily remember the rest. When he got home we chatted for a bit and I even showed him the Tittaes commercial while we discussed a film about a man who from one moment to the next could suddenly do no more than be aware and blink. We're planning on watching another film next weekend, hopefully nothing like "Trainspotting". I'm looking forward to it.

Green

Don't remember anything else, but much as I did before going to sleep, in my dream I checked the green party's votes every so often. In my dream, by the time the number of spots they got went from 4 to 5 to 7. I checked this morning and they're holding 5 already. I really do hope they make it to 7.

Sunday, 14 March 2010

Spontaneous remembrance

You know how I remember things I don't know why I remember, I don't remember things I should, and out of nowhere suddenly remember nonsense for no reason in particular? Well, here's two such episodes, I'll add more eventually:

1) Everytime I go to the bathroom in the first floor of the W building and it smells like chlorine I remember being in a pool in Compensar. Before moving to Ctg my parents got me into something by the likes of a summer camp there, and we often went to the pool. It's also when I first wanted to wear a bra, some girl there wore them (not real bras, just the tiny shirt kind you use for the sake of wearing something).

2) I was listening to "Your song" by Elton John a while ago,



and it reminded me of Moulin Rouge



which, in turn, reminded me of the time when EBF had just left. As I remember it, his parents would leave him to live here, maybe with his sister and cousin, in an apartment. So I had planned to talk to them or whomever it took talking to in order to make sure that when he got back he'd be stuck (locked, if possible) in said apartment with Arc. In my plans, they'd be watching Moulin Rouge. I later found out (or had until then ignored) that EBF didn't like the film. He said when he got back that he had no plans of meeting up with Arc, and I thought maybe it was a good idea not to have done anything. But later he decided to talk to her, and given she was already semesters into being a skank and was in something by the likes of a relationship, I thought I should've done what I'd planned long ago. Makes no difference now, I guess. I just suddenly remembered.

I suppose it's weird that I should plan such scenarios, most people would mind their own business and leave it at that. Truth is, I don't know why I did, and I can only guess that's how badly I wanted him to be happy. I was going to put my neck on the line and risk talking to Arc until I convinced her to go, all so that they could be together, which would very possibly piss EBF off if things didn't go according to plan (and I knew they very well couldn't, if he was too stubborn).

If I pretend to be someone else to say this, you gotta ask yourself how many people would do something like that for a friend. I realise others have done much more, but still, most wouldn't even think of what I thought of doing. I considered that guy from "Love Actually", but he did it for the girl, not his friend, so it doesn't count. My friends did something along those lines for me in Ctg, but it was D's idea, so they don't get much credit. It was their idea to send D a valentine's day gift (which I paid for, when I found out) on my behalf, though. By that time D and I were already together, so I doubt it counts.

Come to think of it, this is the kind of thing that makes me bitter when I look back on my once so called friendship to EBF. Put two and two together: I don't care about people in general, but once I care about someone I go on caring indefinitely. I think love and friendship, if true, should last forever. I don't care much, but I'm comitted to caring. I'm pretty sure I'll care about EBF, A and AOB in any future as much as I do now. Same goes for D, in a different way. Drop R1, Mr. J and Q if you like into the first category, they're just on another level. AOB only goes into the first category because I find myself weaning myself off EBF by talking to AOB. Not that he's important on his own, it's just that I'm allowing him to be important now because EBF isn't around anymore.

That explains why my eyes get watery when I realise I care too much where others couldn't care much less. I don't replace, I don't forget, and I find it very hard to forgive (mainly because there's so much I don't forget). Deep down, I hate it when I'm wrong, and what's worse, I hate it when being wrong gets me hurt. Being wrong, in these cases, made me vulnerable, and, as it turns out, vulnerable wasn't the right thing to be. Not just that, being wrong means I wasn't right when I thought I was, when I thought it counted. So, when I thought I understood EBF and thought I was helpful, meaningful, and insightful, I was just full of shit. That's how it adds up.

I told AOB about 2, by the way. I just mentioned I was planning to make 2 a variable of my destiny function. Later I told him about 2's girlfriend, and gave him a glimpse at the way I feel about 2. Mostly because it's not particularly sensitive information, but also, because I really wanted to share it. I'm making a point out of not telling EBF. When we first talked about going out, we talked about telling him. I asked if he was free, he said he didn't know, I mentioned doing something and he said nothing at all. So I just went offline after a couple of hours and left it at that. I'd warned AOB not to count on EBF showing up, so when I got no answer I just left AOB a message telling him I was right.

I hate the fact that I keep thinking to myself "OK, FINE." only nothing's fine.

As for university, my parents probably won't be able to afford more, so I'm planning to maybe do what I did this semester: take 3 classes and work as much as possible. I can pay for 2 of the 5 million pesos it would take to do that, and I won't need the loans. What's more, I could get another 2 million for the semester after that, and if things go well once my parents don't have to go on paying for my sister's school it will be easier to get the money for a full semester. Screw my chances with 2 if I only take 3 subjects and he doesn't take any of them. I can forget to care about needing a boyfriend.

Can you picture it?

Can you imagine me and AOB kissing?

I can. I have. And, it's creeping me out. Specially because I seem to place special attention on the fact that his lips are very full and seem so plush. Like I said, creepy. My tender (try swollen) breasts and thinner nose explain it though, I think I'm ovulating. I'm fertile so my hormones make my brain desperate for a mate to mate. Hopefully, in a couple of days my hormones will go back to normal and I'll just be worried about the exams I haven't studied all that much for. By the time normality kicks in, I should be thinking of 2 (if I can get my mind off of D), and maybe 4, if I'm very bored. Not AOB. I suppose the fact that he offered me a ride here tomorrow and I look forward to chatting with him on the way here doesn't help matters one bit.

I need a boyfriend. That's final.

Late and unexpected

I hadn't smelled AOB until tonight, and I've known him for at least 4 years. The fact that we just wave hello and goodbye is probably one of the reasons why for it. AOB, Cq and A came over to watch movies. We picked "Trainspotting" (which I didn't like, not one bit) ate, and then stuck around the living room, chatting, watching youtube videos and almost falling asleep several times. It was nice, but it wasn't particularly exciting. I think they overstayed a couple of hours, but AOB was just too shy to leave, even though he was very sleepy. At any rate, at some point I just sat between him and A. There was plenty of room, and I sat closer to A than I did to AOB, but I could smell him, and he actually smells good. His smell is very pleasant. I'll make nothing of it, and I won't try to act anything on that fact, but I didn't expect to suddenly find this out. Actually, when he was holding my little one on his lap and I gave her popcorn, or just petted her, I looked at his crotch more than once. I deliberatly tried not to, once I realised. I hope he didn't mind, but I hope he didn't even notice. It would have been weird. Basically, it all adds up to hormones, and how I've found no good way to get rid of mine. AOB is as much of a "Hell no!" as Q is, there's a line I'm very determined not to cross.

As a side note, I had a dream involving Matthew Perry having sex with some woman under a table in a full restaurant. People at the table got to vote whether or not it was wrong for him to take that chance.

[morning after edit:]
I chatted with AOB until 3am or so. I was congratulated for putting this into words: a good description is the kind where you don't so much read as imagine things, the instant you realise you're reading a description it's ruined; a great book is one that makes you feel and think without telling you to.

Friday, 12 March 2010

A dragon

I had a dream someplace in Asia, at night, where some girls had to dive into the sea looking for something. I said we needed a special kind of seaweed. I was thinking of agar agar, the name of which I only remembered once I woke up, because there was something that needed to be solidified. I tried google suggestions and I ended up with something like algae ghe__. Along with what I can only call a dragon, somehow part the dragon from the Neverending Story film, part like Haku from Spirited Away, part like a traditional chinese dragon, mostly white, they fished a stone from the ocean. This stone turned dull (only dull) objects golden. They became glittery, actually, but in my dream I associated it to Midas' touch. After turning something else into gold, one of the dragon's horns became golden. It was surprised.

Thursday, 11 March 2010

...

I, uh... I had a dream where I'd bought a vibrator, and A and others were here (men I don't know included). They wanted to see me use it, what's worse, I wanted them to see me use it. We'd slept (only slept) together in a bed and when we woke up we got started. My dad walked in and he was in an outrage. I tried talking to him, saying I understood why he was mad, but that he had no real reason to be that mad. I then snook out to the kitchen where the others were waiting for me, and I took the vibrator (along with 3-4 other trinkets I can't remember) with me. This is when the alarm went off.

Back to waking life, after a very tedious analysis class which thank goodness ended early, I ran into 2. I was going to make a left, but working men were in the middle of the way, so I noticed he stood waiting for me and went to say hi. We chatted for at least 15min, until AOB showed up to say hi too. I spoke with 2 for a while longer and then left with AOB, who offered to give me a ride home. We talked all the way here, which was nice, I told him about J2 and Cq, which was fun, and he got me here pretty soon, which is just very convenient.

I don't know if I should point out that I discussed classes with 2, and we spoke of what classes we'd be taking together next semester. I just got the feeling that he could have been hinting at a "not now, how about later?". Actually, I thought about it some more: we talked about people from maths, and who's nice and who isn't. I called several people's names, but he recognised none of them. I asked him whose names he knew (and at that, he didn't know any of the girls) and he said he knew none. It's suddenly important that he just said "Lina, right?", instead of asking my name. Or he was lying, which would be unlikely, because it would be pointless. This is the third time I come back to edit this post: I made an ass out of myself in front of 2. I care, but not too much, you know? I kind of enjoy not caring so much and torturing myself over every little detail like I did with D.

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

No chance of moving on

I found myself bored in class, concocting a fantasy where I went out with AOB and J2 and suddenly ran into D. AOB and I mentioned possibly going out to the cinema to watch "Alice".

In my fantasy, we go to the cinema, and before we go in D just happens to be right in front, within sight, possibly smoking a cigarette. We'd notice one another, and if we were uncomfotably close, I probably couldn't just blush and stare at the floor. Not if AOB and J2 noticed. I'd have to say hi, and just to make things easier he could be the one to come toward us and say hi first. Introductions done, I could point out who D is to AOB and J2, though I doubt AOB would need such information. J2 could be slightly upset if I'm right to be paranoid about him. After a quick "what's up?" D could then ask to join us to watch the film.

Once AOB and J2 nodded to it, we would sit in the theatre, J2 on the far right, AOB, myself and D. D could then try talking to me, only to be shushed, which could result in us holding hands playing with our fingertips. When the film ends, I could go to the restroom and text AOB from there asking him to buy D and I some time to talk. I'd ask him to ask a smart question or make a wild guess as to whether or not J2 actually has a crush on me or not, so that they could leave if it was the case and stick around looking for a place to eat if it wasn't. D and I would then get a chance to talk. I'd ask what it is he wants of me and I'd let him surprise me with his answers. After recreating similar scenarios so many times I've narrowed it down, the question I'd have to ask is "how even are we?". Does he love me as much as I love him? Is he as willing to please me as I am to please him? What is he willing to sacrifice to be with me? How is it going to work if he likes to go party and get drunk?

After settling for some answer or other and we're holding hands and I can rest my head on his shoulder I'd tell him about the suitors' list, if only to boost his ego. We'd kiss several times while I told him about the list, and he could ask playfully if kisses like those are the ones they wanted to give me. It's ridiculous how I can't imagine myself kissing anyone else, and how I've given up a less unlikely candidate (2) for D again. I'd much rather be with D, for no good reason.

On a side note about today's actual classes, I'd like to point out and congratulate myself for passing the analysis partial exam with a 3.6. Not great, but it's a pass, and it's a way better start than I had last semester, so I'll be glad for whatever I can get. The class was incredibly disturbing on account of two things: number one being that Sfer brought a foul smell with him and he stank up the whole classroom; number two being that he stared at me too often and at some point resembled a snake a little too much, going as far as waving his head as he raised his torso while he talked and licked his lips. *shudders* Add that to the fact that he asked me the question about whether or not we were moving too fast (much like the time he asked me if we should have a pause during class). The smell actually gave me a headache. So unpleasant. On the bus, I didn't notice I'd gotten on a bus that had windows up near the ceiling. It just so happened I had someone with severe post nasal drip rotten phlegm breath who leaned forward and sighed a lot. Disgusting. I honestly admire AOB's dedication to deal with so much humanity.

Monday, 8 March 2010

Refreshing

That's what I love about talking to AOB. We rarely talk, but when we do it's usually so much fun. Conversation flows naturally and there's always laughs and good ideas. More than that, today I mentioned Kaspar Hauser's view of the world (his room vs. the tower the room was in) in the film. The way we thought about it led me to make the following analogy: think of reality as a train coming right at you; it becomes bigger the closer it gets, and when it hits it's overwhelming; however, if it's just passing by and never comes to you it stays small all the time.

It's been such a long time since I last had a conversation like that. One where I could come up with cool analogies (AOB complimented this one :) ), and be understood, and understand, and laugh, and share. He's the first to know why my personal message in Messenge reads "destiny function": it's what "density function" misreads as when I'm very sleepy. He liked it. *sigh* It was nice. It's been such a long time since I last laughed and smiled this much the corners of my mouth hurt a bit. Sad, I know, but I'm only very glad we talked. A little conversation is better than none at all. I really needed it.

Sunday, 7 March 2010

Pairs

Pair my conversation from a couple of hours ago with A to "The Holiday". I got the realisation...no, not realisation... I got the certainty that I'm not going to be happy with 2, or 3, or 4, or 2's friend, or anyone other than D for that matter. That not to mention the fact that I probably wouldn't be happy with D anyway.

I talked to A about her friend and what his skank of an exgirlfriend did, sleeping with his best friend (said best friend was Arc's fuck buddy, makes me wonder if he's that good). I said I sympathised with A's friend, and I understand the fact that he's now questioning everything that happened between him and his ex two years ago. I've questioned even the existence of my relationship to D. What I explained to A was simple: if you're in a relationship to someone who says or at least implies "I love you"s it makes absolutely no sense if this person later forgets all about you, and does things that would hurt you knowingly. The logical proposition is a p-->q, where p stands for "if X loves/loved you" and q stands for "X won't/wouldn't hurt you". The proposition is the same as "if X hurt you" then "X doesn't/didn't love you". Simple, right?

Even if you add the "people change" factor, loving and hurting people you love isn't the kind of thing that changes over time. I won't call a feeling that would allow it "love". I don't care if others do, it's not the true love I believe in. Not of any kind, at that.

I remembered D's letter to that girl, and the way he behaved around her and that other girl he had a crush on that I knew of. I remember him mentioning how his all guys' school had got him thinking of even his old English teacher. He and I were, I guess, a square peg and a round hole. I, much like Iris (Kate Winslet) mentioned hoped I was wrong and ignored his faults and forgave him over every tiny sweet detail. He cheated and later said it wasn't true, so I ignored the fact that he cheated and forgave him when he said it wasn't true, even though he didn't even try and be cute about it.

The thing is, I try (I really do) picturing myself kissing (only just kissing!) 2, 3, 2's friend, and even 4, only to find I'd much rather kiss D. Even my make believe kisses aren't as heartfelt to others. I could be with someone else, and even be a good girlfriend, calling, texting, gifting, visiting, chatting, kissing, and being faithful as expected. And yet I wouldn't be happy, and something as simple as a dream of being close to D would be enough to remind me of that fact.

So... fun facts about me:
- I'll always cry 1) if I think about my dead dog, 2) if I think about D for too long, 3) if I think about EBF long enough 4) if any one event makes me recall anything having to do with 1), 2) or 3) too clearly and too strongly (more often than not, a film or a TV show, often enough a random thought). (chronological order, in case you were wondering)
- When I'm sad and feel like crying, I've always wanted to take a walk someplace cold, and, if possible, rainy. Never have, though. There's just something about the cold to counter how hot my face feels when I do, and something about the sky crying with me.

So, "Big Fish" style... The thing about pairs is: I don't think I'll ever be in one, whether because I'm not involved or because he's not. At any rate, I'll never be with someone I love who actually loves me back. There. I just wish I could prove myself wrong, but something tells me I'm very unlikely to.

Saturday, 6 March 2010

It's been a long time

I had a dream about D, I can't even remember the last time that happened. This time, we were with others from Ctg, just hanging out, only D was lying on top of me. Nothing implied, he was just that close. At some point he put his weight in the wrong place and it hurt a bit, but I just moved his hands and things went on. For some reason, he started yelling down (we were in an apartment, high up in a building) trying to get a cleaning lady's attention. I'd dropped a piece of paper she was intended to read, but she threw it away instead and dismissed it as rubbish. D yelled at her to try and get her to read it. People from the building yelled back to make him shut up, but he only yelled more, until a doorman came to get him away in a helicopter. While we were together, I was eager to make sure we got a soundtrack, something to remember those times by. There was nothing special, really, except for the closeness. I was fond of it, D simply didn't mind it.

Elsewhere, I was frankenteen's girlfriend. He sent the request through facebook, and I simply didn't mind saying yes, so I did. It may have been him, or D, but some girl involved with either had talked to either online and I was the one on the computer, so I answered. She wanted him to see a video she'd made, I had no mind for it, so I didn't watch it. But when I told him, it seemed important, so we watched it. She waltzed on a round table with round benches attached. Come to think of it, there may be a scene like it in "The Sound of Music". She was actually great, the stunts she pulled off were amazing. Don't know what happened after we watched it, though.

Tracy Morgan was auditioning for a part where he had to sing as his mother to an audience of blue avatar aliens. At some point he played tennis with a chocobo. Weird.

A Spanish blonde cook who had won tons of stars (I don't know if that's the actual way they measure this) was on a big stage preparing to cook. She pulled a thin veil from over some pots and called a young asian girl who was wearing a long white skirt (as if it were from a wedding dress), no top. She placed the veil over her head and it worked as both veil and shirt, completing the attire. Later on, a chinese dragon (made of people) climbed on the stage from the left.

In a restaurant attended by Christine Baranski I was with people from Hell's Kitchen. A blonde girl asked to eat some particularly disgusting animal's rectum. It was all very gourmet, but still gross.

Thursday, 4 March 2010

On 5 gone british parrots

A couple of things about being part of Pentagono: smelly, stupid people are very annoying to be around, if you have to teach them, gay guys who'd rather have a girl help them out with maths rock. At least I think they're gay.


You see, there are a few people who've started coming for my help on a somewhat regular basis. Two of them, the two I think might be gay, I actually enjoy being around. They understand easily, explain what they don't understand, and one of them is even sweet enough to be embarrassed when he doesn't. They're very nice, so when I'm eating candy, they get some :). Smelly people are just annoying, so I won't bring them up.


However, the rest includes a boy who's only just started studying maths and seems to admire me a bit more than I actually deserve. He's very sweet, enthusiastic about maths, and likes to come to me for help with problems, to ask for more problems, and to show me solutions to the problems I couldn't help him with. He called me by some name once, that implied I'd win some mathematical award in the future. Flattering, but a bit embarrassingly so, given I'd never actually deserve such an award.


Today he passed by with a friend, and offered to give me some ebooks he'd found on several mathematical subjects. He asked what subjects I was interested in so he could know which to download to my computer, and I said I had no particular interests just yet, so he just downloaded everything. He argued he'd got them for someone else, and just thought he'd give them to me as a present. Very sweet, I'll admit. The way he left all flustered got me a bit worried.


I must be very paranoid already, and the fact that some guy who asked for help later looked a lot like and smelled just like D didn't help matters one bit (it all gets hormones to interfere with the way neurotransmitters should work). I do hope he doesn't have some crush on me, that would be embarrassing, and I actually kind of liked that nerdy relationship we had going on. He's still very nice to be around, if not that nice to explain things to (he's stubborn and thinks in a very disorderly manner, which makes it hard for me to understand just where he's going and how, even when he's on the right path to a solution.


That's it, I think. Just for the record, I guess. I might need blognames in a near future if anything happens.


Before class today, one of 2's friends, the one who I think probably smells like D approached me and asked if I'd at least taken a look at the ridiculously long probability assignment we have to hand in on Monday. During class, I found myself musing about what it'd be like to be with him instead, a perfect local Leonard Hofdtstadter. It's weird how I'm so willing to go for almost anyone now, or at least how little time it took me to start thinking of being with him now, even though I don't even know his name. I suppose his actual physical resemblance to D helps the idea, the wavy longish hair, the nose, the broad shoulders. Even his hands look a lot like D's. Weird I should notice. I suggested we should work on this assignment in a group of at least 3-4 people, to make it easier on all of us. I suppose that either makes me a maths skank or my proposal to 2 a bit more harmless. Also during class, Sfer stared a lot *shudders*. Still makes me uncomfortable.


I'm regressing, I know it. I'm starting to wonder if this regression has somehow brought me back to whatever stage I was in which made me so afraid of men. Talking to my mum the other day itt turns out I've somehow blocked out and completely erased from my memory episodes of nearly deadly asthma, even though I remember events that led to the asthma attack. This one in particular (I don't know if it's the same time I almost died and I only remember being in a hospital and breathing into one of those plastic things that go over your nose) took place when we went for a trip up a mountain near my mum's friend's farm. I remember it was very green, full of flowers, and there was a fountain. I felt like I was in the hills at the end of "The Sound of Music". I don't know if I want to remember almost dying, but I'd like to know what else I've forgotten about, besides that and why I was afraid of men.


As a side note, I'll explain the title to myself, should I ever forget terrible jokes about hypotenuse hippopotamus who can break crocodiles in two and British gone parrots. Mr. Wynn Jones, who taught me school maths for two years, made a habit of telling lame jokes and saying "Lina, please smile :)". They include asking, "what's a polygon?" and the name comparison mentioned above with said related discussion about herbivores and millions of years old predators. The answer to the question is "a parrot that flew away". British people seem overly fond of calling their parrots Paulie, so "Paulie gone" is exactly an n-sided geometric shape in an euclidean space. I used to find British jokes funnier when I was around British people all the time.

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

A classic fool

Just for the record, I had this dream this afternoon where I got back my abstract algebra exam. I'd gotten a 0.77. In it, a sort of lounge-library had been built way up in university. It was very nice, actually. Also, attached to campus was a grocery store. My aunt A walked through it with a huge cart filled with presents you'd buy for a newborn. Only they were intended for me. Weird.

Today I, er... well, I ran into 2 when I got to the lift to go to class, and we started chatting. He asked how I'd done in the exam yesterday, and I said it'd been put off. He said he'd been home all day yesterday, playing computer games and doing the probability assignment (which I didn't manage to finish). He thought he'd have to drop the subject, after skipping class on the day the test was due and not having studied one bit, so I asked him if he'd like to study with me on Friday. We were just entering the classroom as I asked, and though I stalled a tiny bit he went in, sat near where he usually sits (not having found the girl I usually sit next to in the classroom) and waited for an answer, I got none. I felt like an idiot, I felt exposed, and I felt that I was so in the wrong place, especially when my friend finally arrived and sat across the room. 2 offered to lend me his homework so I could finish mine, but I refused. I think he glanced back at me a couple of times, but I couldn't be sure, really. When the class was over he took a phone call so I waited outside to greet my friend and took a minute to call my mum to see if she was waiting for me already. When 2 got out he seemed to wait to talk to me, but I left with my friend.

See, while we were in class, whether because of his friend or because I hadn't noticed before, I could feel the scent of 2 mingled with that of D's. I had noticed people who smell like D before, it's just that the circumstances made me conjure up all kinds of conclusions. I was in the classroom, not paying attention, sitting behind 2, smelling him, feeling like a rejected idiot (if he rejected my proposal it would only make sense, of course it meant a little something to me, he knows it, but also, I know he's got a girlfriend). When I picked up the scent of D I put two and two together: thinking I'd moved on, I only managed to fall for D again, only in the form of 2. Playing computer games all day? The loud partying girlfriend he's not all that likely to be madly in love with? The coolness, the smell, just how comfortable they are being themselves, the goofy nerdy don Juan zen thing going on. So many things went through my head. I made up my mind during class to SHUT IT DOWN. It can't happen, I can't allow it to, I can't go through that again. I mind ninja'd myself into thinking that I could be the meaningful girl to 2, just like some girl at some point existed to D (most likely the exgirlfriend I ran into the other day).

There you have it: I fell for the same guy all over again, only with a different face. It's just a crush, and I wouldn't expect more from 2 if things ever work out and he does end up having a short lived relationship with his current girlfriend. But I can't be sure, I can't read him. In case he's anything like EBF and/or R1, like I initially thought, there's a small chance that the on and off interest I show will turn out to help me. But I shouldn't. How I shouldn't.

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Strike stroke

I've had it with this strike. I hate the mess, the fact that there's no time for anything and the fact that I can't seem to get any rest, even when I sleep. Just for the record, the day before yesterday or yesterday I had a dream where I got my analysis first partial exam grade: 3.1. I left class early today so I couldn't know if he handed them back or if I have a grade yet. We'll see about that on Thursday. Other than the fact that the abstract algebra exam was put off (thank goodness) nothing much amounting to any good has come of this strike thing.

I'm still bitter about EBF's comment, 2 still has a girlfriend (though I've started to fantasise of possible loopholes), and today as A's mum drove me to university her dog vomited on my leg. Ugh. I have work to hand in tomorrow and an exam. Moving around the city is a nightmare. I can't think straight and I lose way too much time checking news of the strike online.

As for the loopholes, well, I couldn't help but notice 2's clothes were much more on the "cool" side than usual yesterday. He's usually more casual and carless. A few neurons in my brain like to spread the rumour that he's doing that on purpose for me. Yeah, right. I know. So what? Maybe I won't mind being his other woman so long as I get some. I wore my red pants today. Not that he'd notice, but, you know, it'd be nice if he did.

Oh, I might as well mention: I saw D's exgirlfriend in university on Monday. I felt nothing. Not that I'm supposed to, but, you know, I could've been thinking "Bitch! Why aren't you with him? You're the one he broke up with me for!" but I managed be more concerned with finishing (which I didn't) my probability homework assignment. I'm very unlikely to finish this second one, as I haven't convinced myself to start it yet. I don't know what I'd do if I saw D, I want to see him, but somehow considering 2 makes me less uneasy about not being with D. Maybe deep down I just know that as soon as things work out with 2 and we're happily together (you know, if it ever happens), D will come out of the blue wanting to be with me. It's just my luck.