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Sunday, 28 February 2010

It's official

EBF is leaving to China for a year sometime around August. I started talking to him because AOB was online, and I figured it would probably be a good idea to try and arrange that night out he talked about while we were all online, which was an odd enough circumstance. EBF brought up the fact that he's going to China for a year. Upon going back to the subject of a night out, and the fact that AOB will only be available sometime around Easter holidays, EBF he won't have time. I replied it figures he wouldn't, as he must have so much to do. He said he'd be busy that week, spending half the time with his friends and half the time with N2, none of it in Bta. I know I said I quit, I know I don't call him my friend anymore. I know I'm a bitter old hag because it still hurt. Being pushed aside like that... I'm having trouble writing back when he writes now. I didn't say anything after that comment and closed the window. So he changed the subject and just said "it's crazy, isn't it?". I'm sticking to short sentences. He said something else, anything else, just for the sake of it. I think he was determined not to let that sentence about his week be the last. I'm determined not to go out and be bitter. I'm determined not to let anything show.

Oh right, EBF's departure means I can set a date to tell him about the blog. I'll have to make it public again, but that won't be much of a problem. Yes... I'll tell him about the blog about a month after he's gone, after he's had some time to settle. It's not like he's going to read it. I just need to get it off my back. This is my bottled message, if anyone finds it, chooses to read it and by chance happens to understand it. A month after he's gone is just the time to toss it.

Saturday, 27 February 2010


Know what? I thought 2 had a girlfriend, all this time, because of his facebook profile picture next to some girl who was hugging him. When it changed, to a picture of him casually chatting with friends, I figured they'd broken up. It turns out, as I'm now his facebook friend and found out, he only now has a girlfriend, and the girl in the picture? His sister. Oh fuck. And here I was, giggling like a schoolgirl over the fact that he walked with me for a bit and we chatted for about a half hour. It's probably a good thing I wore that huge black sweater yesterday, the very unrevealing one. The one that doesn't scream out loud "I'm interested!".

I can totally be cool about 2, I think. I mean, it's not like we talk all that much anyway. Just, fuck. I really thought I had a chance at, you know, moving the fuck on. Even if, as it seems, they've only been together a short while (just over a month, tops), it's still terribly wrong to consider anything with 2. Less wrong than if they'd been together longer, but wrong all the same. I'm pretty sure I can't expect him to dump his girlfriend for me, nor can I reasonably expect to become good friends with him.

Well... just my luck. *Sigh* To think I even fixed a thing or two in my facebook profile, deleted my only picture album, tried to sound interesting. It's a good thing I deleted the post that showed I'd edited information about me before friending 2. It's a good thing I'm not interested enough to be heartbroken. But it would've been a great thing if he could've just not had a girlfriend, if he could be interested in me.

As for my strategy in days to come, um... I uh... you know... I don't know. I'd started to count on something working out along those lines. I suppose I could try to be friends with him, see where that leads. It's not going to happen, though, is it? Come Monday, I think I'll just stick to what's strictly academic. Should I see him, and talk to him, I could be casual enough. I think. Whenever it happens. If it happens. Right... so, it sucks not to have a plan B. Fuck. I so made so many things up.

I've given it some thought. If things were to work out, they'd work out in a EBF - N2 sort of way, where I'd have to wait around for him to like me better than he does his girlfriend (a girl he's only been talking to for about half a year). There's no good strategy in my book for that, though. The only way I can think of is to go on as if I didn't know he has a girlfriend. It's not like I was going to lunge in for a kiss anytime soon. I can, if I manage to, breake away from conversation and try to read his body language. See what I can figure out. At worse, I'd still get some time around him, which would be pleasant-smelling time. Better than most other time I spend lately.

Friday, 26 February 2010

Whaddaya know

Heh... it turns out my life is ruled by irony and luck, after all, and things I want only happen when I least expect them, which is to say they happen when I think there's no way they're going to.

I managed to text 2, sometime around 8:45am this morning. He didn't go to class, and didn't call before 2pm, when we could've met to study. As it turns out, he only noticed the message around 1pm today. He texted me around 4pm, when I was about to enter class (a message I didn't notice until 6pm, just in the nick of time) telling me he had access to two old exams and I could take copies if I liked. So I called him when the class was over, and following a small (5+) group of other students we went to get copies of the exam papers.

We were last to take copies, and as he left, one of 2's friends was quick to say good bye, as if he knew something. Maybe most of that last sentence is all in my head, but the next isn't. 2 and I chatted briefly in front of where we took the copies and, instead of just parting ways (as we have, the few times we talk like that) he offered to walk with me to where I take the bus, even though he was staying behind to study. As we walked, and it's true because I noticed myself moving away a little bit, he walked fairly close to me. This was just after he gave me his e-mail (university, not the regular one I could use to add him to messenger, we'll see if that can happen some other time). It only just strikes me as something that might've had some meaning.

Overall, even if it is just a little crush, I was smiling most of the way back on the bus, partly because of the nice bus driver who was so sweet to the toddler who came with a beggar and asked to sit in front, mostly because I chatted with 2 for about a half hour and it was actually very nice. I don't think I overtalked this time (though I might've messed up a bit suggesting he could give me whichever e-mail he checked most often). Also, maybe, as much of this seems to be, I made it all up, but when I said goodbye and left to get on a bus I briefly considered kissing him (on the cheek, it's not like I'm that daring) and he looked like he might've been expecting it, or at least considering it too. One social skill point to me! :)

I e-mailed him the solution manual I found online for abstract algebra. Maybe he'll write back. So many maybe's and might's... oh well. I suppose it's fun to have him to think of, and it makes me glad to know 2's my secret with A, as I've told EBF nothing about him yet. I don't intend to tell him anything. Not unless it's blatantly obvious and he's bound to find out if I don't tell him. I briefly considered asking for his advice today, and asking if what I think might be signs actually mean anything. But no, it's best that I don't. Really, if we learned anything from the last night out for dinner it's that we don't understand each other all that well anymore. I had better not say anything, if things work out, 2's company will work wonders.

[10:22 edit]
He wrote back. That's one less maybe. "Thank you y buena suerte para ti también." :)

Thursday, 25 February 2010

Oh fuck...

Remember blood stained Qtips? I was using some today and remembered them. 2 called and I didn't answer. I might've been busy packing granola bars too, but the point being, I missed the call. He only called once, and I couldn't call back. So I'm buying minutes to text him tomorrow morning, see if something works out.

I was an alpha

An e-mail arrived for me and A, initially just for her, I think. Her parentss asked me if I knew anyone by the name Daniel Canelo, and I remembered a girl in Ctg, and I remembered her brother might be the one. I went to some interview with A, and two girls from school (Mrna, MrJs), I was to take the interview with Mrna. We were enrolled for some sort of international reality show, where I was an alpha, there was a beta and a sigma. I was, at times, some other woman, controlling a cocker spaniel shaped piece (right foot) of a power rangers robot. She'd been assigned the pink power ranger, seeing as she does ever so little in the TV show. A conspiracy had me out of the game. A was left in it, and summoned for a new contest on November 20th, 2010.

Later, as I walked my cousin's bulldog near the highway (as if I were walking to my dog's vet), I noticed it was only aggressive towards pigs. And quite a few people had pigs around. In a back yard which could be seen, and entered (by dogs). My cousin's bulldog entered to bite what looked like a grey pig, only when it woke up (it was asleep) it turned out to be just like my toy dog (my very first dog), if it were alive. Much longer, actually, but in my dream I called it out loud Dogo, and even told my aunt, all excited, to notice how similar they were. The owners of this dog were shown to be small kids, both blond, a girl and a boy.

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Blood in my ear

All that's left of my dream last night is the image of myself cleaning my ears and a dark earwax covering the Q-tips. Come to think of it, it looked like a dog's earwax, but in my dream it was blood. Weird.

On a side note, I figured out 2's dream girl: an asian girl.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Social skills points to me

During class today I noticed that when I leaned back at some point 2 mimicked my movement. I thought it was strange, and remembered faintly those silly "clues" to look out for when people are supposed to be flirting with you. Very probably unrelated, but all the same, when the class was over, I lingered. While I lingered, he asked about probability class, and we chatted for a bit. I used the question about probability to take a minute to check my computer. As we left the classroom, some friend of his waited for him to talk to him. I waited, too, and then asked him to study with me on Friday. He said yes. I might've overtalked in the end, so if I get 3 points for asking, I get -1 point for talking. We exchanged phone numbers. We agreed to meet on Friday sometime before 2pm. It's now up to us talking again before then to make that a solid study date. I intend to arrive around 10am anyway on Friday if he doesn't contact me, just in case he calls or something. Ideally, we'd get to talk sometime before Friday, maybe tomorrow in probability, or Thursday if he shows up for analysis (even if he dropped the subject). Maybe, if we meet, studying will lead to us having lunch together and/or studying again. It'd be nice.

I thought it was odd, how I found his gum chewing incredibly sexy. I pinpointed the reason why, though, the quiet, muffled, clicking sounds (and the pace at which they were produced) imitated the sound of a long kiss. The relatively close proximity (still one seat apart), the warmth, and his smell fo pheromones, cigarettes and mint made it oddly intimate.

I must figure out what to wear on Friday, just in case. If I go in converse shoes and the ripped jeans, it will be too obvious. I have to be less evident. Sexy, yet covered up, casual, yet careful.

Monday, 22 February 2010

I put my tuppence

He understood, even though I cut it down a lot to keep it from sounding bitter. I kept it encrypted, just in case. We'll see if it was any good.

[day afterward edit:]
Two things. First, I said I was heartbroken (besides hungry) when EBF asked me out for dinner. I meant because of my little one, but he might've thought it was somehow his fault.
Second, last night (feeling rude for not saying good night before leaving, seeing as we'd been talking until fairly recently) I just typed "Zzzzzzz.... bye", or something like that. He apologised and explained his parents had him on the phone. I just meant I was going to sleep, as in "I'm sleepy", only Zzzzzz is easier to type.
What do we learn from this? He's assuming I'm much more bitter than I'm allowing myself to be.

My 2 cents

My 2 cents, I stand corrected about Pavlov:

Cyanide and Happiness-inspired script

Man walks to woman and asks to be breastfed. She refuses.

(For the rest of the script find the next *)

What’s wrong with that picture? In short: wrong person, wrong timing. It’s not that the woman can’t breastfeed; she doesn’t turn out to be a transvestite. It’s just she’d breastfeed someone else, some other time. It’s wrong to ask that of her, even if it’s hers to give. She doesn’t get to play the “wait for me to get my dong out” excuse (unless she shows Vietnamese money), she *is* a woman and *can* do what she’s asked.

*He explains he’s a special kind of zombie needing breasts instead of brains and yells “Breaaaaaasts!”*

PS: Sorry you had to be a woman in my example. Hope it didn’t turn you gay. The moral of the story says: if she’s interested, she could offer to do anything else for this man, something she’d do only for him. He could feel valuable knowing this: knowing what she’d do, and what in him would make her do it.

On N2 and EBF

I was just thinking... maybe N2 would rather be right and miserable than happy and wrong, and she's actually pessimistic about her relationship with EBF. She's just waiting for him to dump her, and, being stuck in such a normal (ly annoying?) relationship, he just might. She'd rather lose him and be able to know she was right about this all along than be happy with him and proven wrong. He hasn't admitted (I highly doubt he doesn't even realise it) he can be all the things she wants him to be. He has loved (cared strongly) and looked and longed as much as that guy in "500 days of summer". He has talked for hours without growing sick of it.

He can talk on the phone for long periods of time. He just doesn't with her, which isn't supposed to mean anything. She is who she is, and she gets the treatment she gets as such. Wanting the treatment I got, or the treatment Arc got (can't believe I've only now brought her up) is as wrong as a grown man asking to be breastfed by a woman he doesn't know. Not the right time, not the right person. He could've gotten that from his mum when he was a baby. That was the right time, that was the right person. But that woman couldn't possibly be his mum, and he couldn't take the place of whatever children she may nurse. EBF can't look at her the way he looked at Arc, and she shouldn't ask for that. He's not that person anymore, and she's not Arc. The timing is wrong. See? Very much the same.

Just one more thing though, he can't argue "Oh no! I'm not supposed to, that's not me, it can't possibly!". That woman can't say "Oh no! I'm not a woman! I don't breastfeed!". That would be stupid. He probably needs to come out and say it, "Listen, I know what you're asking of me isn't altogether impossible, but that treatment is not yours to get. You get your special treatment, no one else asks to be treated that way, no one else gets to be treated that way. No one gets to ask to be treated that way. You don't get to want to be someone else. You get so much more than most, you get what no one else does. Settle for it, for chrissakes!". Yes, something like it. I should point this out to EBF sometime, maybe.

It doesn't mean I'm actually saying anything, but if I did, here's what I'd say:
"Tell N2 others have gotten that treatment, but it's not hers to get. It's not supposed to be a bad thing, make her understand. You don't get to pretend you're not that guy. You were that guy, at different times, to Arc and to me. You looked at Arc longingly, you felt about her in a way you don't feel about N2. You talked to me almost as much as N2 wants to talk to you. I can't say much about that relationship in particular, but I remember you used to be heavier. Yours was a less unbearable form of being. Remember? We spent all day in school together (except, perhaps, for French, P.E., and bathroom breaks). We talked and wrote on paper, or gave each other meaningful looks whenever talking wasn't possible. at least 5 nights out of 7 we talked from 5pm to 11pm or whenever we went to sleep. If we were working on some project or other, we sometimes stuck together longer. If I was stuck in some PPF I could call you, or text you, and rather than jump out a window we could talk for (at times, even when you were sober) hours. You called too, for no good reason, and we talked. We had our own language, our own signals (remember clapping and sticking tongues out, or pointing at nothing in particular?) We talked (or communicated, in some way) at least 60% of our waking time. I don't ask to be treated that way anymore. I tried, long ago, but I don't anymore. I used to think us not talking was not normal. I've grown to realise this is the new normal, and asking to talk like we used to would be weird. I don't get to ask to be treated that way anymore. In a similar way (not exactly related, not as anything more than comparison) N2 doesn't get to ask for that treatment. It's not hers to get, and, more importantly, it's no longer yours to give."

Pretty much anything after that would turn very bitter, so I'd better stop there, if I intend to send any of it. Can't keep myself from writing it, so here goes:
"You don't get to pretend it's 100% ok for us to talk as little, or as poorly, as we do now. It's the new normal, I get it (and it took me a long time to realize it). But you don't get to say we haven't had a chance to talk, or that we should, or in anyway imply that we would if we ran into one another. You deserve a headbutt for each. Possibly more than one. Call me your friend, if you like, but I don't feel comfortable calling you mine anymore. That's the new normal. You're an acquaintance, and for lack of a better word in Spanish I'll call you friend if I need to bring you up in conversation. But as far as I'm concerned we're not friends, not the friends I called friends. Just like an umbrella is no longer an umbrella if it can't keep the rain away from you, we're no longer friends. I'm that old umbrella Horacio and Maga ran into, and it's no good anymore, so why use it? They threw it out. That's fine, as I now know I'm that umbrella. I know bringing up these references is archaic, outdated, and inappropriate, but I digress, and that's what I do. It's what I did, and it's one thing that hasn't changed about me."


Sunday, 21 February 2010

Gotta wonder

I wonder... you don't suppose... Oh... I probably shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place. I feel better than I expected, but I don't feel half as good as I was hoping I might. I... We talked, but even though silences weren't awkward and the conversation flowed quite naturally, I can't help but feel it was a bit pushed into not dying. I even remember distinctly a point at which he called me "dear friend" or something like that and I couldn't help but think how hypocritical it was of him to say that, and how wrong it felt to hear it. I might've even grimaced then. I couldn't help myself later on to send him a couple of messages and a song, which were received with an "accept" (from the song, which eventually downloaded) and long after I was offline a "good night, see ya". That one got a huge *Pfffff!*. We won't be meeting again any time soon. And it's not like we're actually going to talk, if he sees me online.

By the by, I mentioned the Gretchen dream, and he pointed out things were the other way round, she was giving to much and he often enough didn't really give a fuck. So much so he's scared he could someday go out and say it, and really not care. Fucked up, is what that is. But you see, N2 doesn't seem to grasp all of him, and he's trained her to a point where it doesn't much matter what he does, pretending he's doing his part to fix the problem. She's used to there being no consecuence, and she's used to it being ok, her behaviour is not corrected.

Not only that, he seems to fail to understand that he's not at all times the person she signed up to be the girlfriend of. He can be, and once was, all she expects of him. Or at least most of it. He didn't get so upset when I pulled off his headphones to annoy him, he and I could talk for hours about nothing and everything, throughout most of a day, like N2 expects him to do with her. I didn't mention this, but I almost did. I really almost did, I stopped at "you didn't get that upset when I pulled your headphones".

He seemed to reckon we've grown distant, he's grown into an economist where the world as he sees it makes only obvious, perfect sense. I half-jokingly said I'd become a Sheldon. If there's one thing that hasn't changed much, it's that I'm still not quite a woman, or a human being at all, to him. That's good, I suppose, if it keeps me different. But it no longer helps me understand him. His mask is thick with pointless fancy words. I think he was alienating me and he didn't really notice. Yes, I think that was it... Words seem to widen the gap. Especially such pointless language as he seems to use all the time now. There was a time when words weren't necessary, that's when we were close. Trying to talk now, the way we talk now, is a baby step forward and it often crashes into a wall we should be climbing if we want to be good (I've given up best) friends again. Chances are, there's no way across, even climbing. Surely enough, the way to be together isn't through bumping our heads on the wall. Nah, maybe we shouldn't be climbing anything. Never mind. We shouldn't.

Saturday, 20 February 2010

Guns, games and needles

In one dream, I left my little one in some hair salon to be taken care of while it was time for her surgery. I can only remember trying to kill green puffy fleas she'd gotten there and then holding the door open for old people on their way out.

I was in a police car with the president of Brazil and criminals who didn't know they were about to get busted. At some point, then, while the police got there it got dangerous so Mr. president handed me a gun and a knive, and the criminals got their guns and knives out. When my knive almost fell out the car door and a girl caught it, I got worried and didn't let her. The police eventually arrived and got them. I'd been baking cookies and got some as reward for my trouble.

I then walked into the house with A, and we went into my sister's room to play Nintendo, but before that her brother came in and thanked me for great cookies (he'd gotten a larger share) and gave us some cookies with tiny designs on them. Maybe here, maybe elsewhere, A and I were rejected at some school in Mdln, A for believing in the concept of "exes" (which I suppose includes divorce), me I've no idea.

In the game, I had to go to Lake Hylia, only this time it was up in Mt. Doom and I had to get there through a path on the side of the mountain that was only accessible after something else was done. First time around, I got to a clear in some wood were loads of enemies waited and sprung up from nowhere. Giant anemonae that shot needles, dugtrios (from pokémon) only slightly green, and balls that went from being rocks to metal to spikes. I died.

While I played, soccer games were on. Important games. I found out D had been meaning to watch them and had missed them because he's now a drug addict and was too busy shooting up to remember to watch them. People who used to be friends with him in Ctg told us. Disturbing.

I got back to playing and couldn't get past some underground, water filled passage. I talked to some guy on the way who wanted to sell me swords.

Friday, 19 February 2010

Blue dress, evil jeweled hand, chocolate

First dream involved Final Fantasy style fighting. There was this giant blue hand covered in jewels, and each finger had a different power and importance. When it came to defeating it, a girl who was on the hand's side let slip that she had no luck on her side, because I stole some cherry candy from her and she couldn't guess what colour each candy I drew out would be. The hand didn't die, however, we spent our time (I've no idea who was with me now) killing something else as this hand was somehow a part of nature and could be kept in line.

In another dream, I was in university and opened a faux door that led to staircases and gates where some woman hid. She listened intently for a dark horse's hoofs, and when she couldn't wait any longer she ran out (sometimes I was that woman, I think, because I seem to remember closing the doors after me, to keep others from going in, and thinking it might be a trap). Not so sure it's part of the same dream, but as I walked down (it was high up in the mountain) I walked by some people handing out panflets on how not to be robbed, and speakers read out loud a webpage we should consult to look at pictures of criminals in the area.

On the television, some woman (also famous but now not memorable) was doing the Ellen Degeneres show and asked some other woman celebrity for the prices of her hair and lunch these days. I remember her mentioning a 2 million dollar lunch (she was embarrassed, for the record). What were they eating? Crown jewels? In the end, Kenny G played the sax.

In the last dream I was here with my parents, my sister, and after a while EBF and N2 showed up. I started out in the bathroom, wearing odd jewelery: some tiny gold knit gloves that had all sorts of golden items and pearls hanging from them but somehow would stretch to fit my hands when I wore them, and a thin gold chain that had (much like the gloves) all sorts of things hanging. The gold chain's pieces were somehow symbolical and reminded me of something I'd been through, which included the blue hand above so I thought it should have finger tips hanging, with its nails painted white to match the pearls. I was wearing a bright blue dress, and I remember thinking that with its cleavage, it might look good if I covered it up with the gold necklace. EBF and N2 showed up while we were watching movies. I was in my sister's room when EBF came and to avoid him I went to the kitchen. N2 was playing with my sister and my dad some game where they pounded their feet on the ground, pretending to be on bicycles. They laughed out loud as they looked at each other's faces. When the game was over, I still hadn't decided what to eat, so when N2 and my sister came in we chitchatted a bit and I offered them powdered milk with Milo. N2 said she couldn't eat chocolate and argued it would keep her from going to the bathroom for 3 days and guarantee an explosion then. I thought the idea was odd, but let that be and served myself. Come to think of it, she asked for a lot of milk, or what I thought was a lot. Oh well...

I forgot to write before that in my dream I was late for class, which I was in real life later. So I didn't get to talk to 2 and ask him to study with me. Maybe it can be put off til next week, and we'll study abstract algebra instead of analyisis, which might leave me some pride. It's weird, I keep trying to imagine what it'd be like if things worked out on the long run and somehow studying together (if he agrees) could lead to talking and even going out, making that a long stretch into being togehter. I always manage to hijack that idea and crash it into thoughts of D.

Thursday, 18 February 2010

I doubt this is due to hormones

I had a dream last night which I, of course, only remember vaguely now but a couple of images stuck with me:

I mentioned going to a music store and 2 asked something regarding what I'd buy, or what music I'd like.

I walked through a library (huge, many floors, so many books) with A when, going down a staircase I noticed a man who was masturbating to a large red book. It was uncomfortable.

I think I went out with 2, at some point, because I remember FlowerGuy giving him this incredibly hateful look.

Just for the record, my resolve to ask him to study with me hasn't dissolved (yet). I only couldn't today because he wasn't early for class as I thought he might. We'll see if anything can be done about it tomorrow, as the exam is next Tuesday.

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

A picture of me

In my dream last night three things:

For one, J2 had seen a picture of me posted on the internet (as if I were some sort of celebrity) and I was in a bathing suit, or in underwear, which did a great job to display cellulite. He gave me a high grade anyway, saying I was on the level of some other celebrity. It was uncomfortable.

For two, two women were on a road trip and stayed in some sort of hotel. It looked Spanish, and they were in their 40s or 50s. They seemed like old versions of Em and Lo, or equivalents.

For three, I was in a hair salon and ran into a girl who, come to think of it, looked like Alina Zolotareva. She told me her hair looked like dog food in the arctic one day before it's one day old, or something like that. It had this ring to it, that in a day it would look like food for dogs who live in snow.

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Long shot

I feel like the perfect stereotype of women according to that AXE ad: expecting everything for almost nothing. 2 approached me today asking something about class, and we chatted for maybe 2min. Something in the way I smiled and the way he talked to me somehow got my brain working and I've now developed a pretty long series of wild guess facts out of thin air:
- he grew up with cousins, and probably trusts some of them more than he does other friends
- his dad is most likely a mechanical engineer, a practical man, less than slightly homophobic
- his mum is the kind that offers juice to people who visit their house
- he's had love kick the crap out of him at most twice, which he hides fairly well and almost no one knows about, as he's managed to convince even himself that he doesn't care all that much
- he used to read (nothing too fancy, mainly fiction and comic books) but gave that up
- a traditional man, he'd stick to regular kissing for a fairly long time before trying French kisses
- he'd like holding hands and playing with them
- unlikely to like BJs
- he can read people better than he gives himself credit for
- as much a going to the cinema guy as a walking in a park guy
- he likes junk food, fancy food is lost on him
- it would scare the shit out of him to hear/read/know any of the items on this list were thought up out of thin air
- unlikely to even consider masturbating to the thought of a girl he fancies, he's more of a practical, function-guided man and would choose more appropriate swimsuit models for that
- played some instrument, piano or guitar
- definitely has a pet... I doubted as to whether it's a cat or dog, and ultimately decided it must be a dog, not so sure about whether it's a male or female, so it stands old female, not so old male, maybe both
- prefers chocolate to candy, and savory (real) food to desserts

As for FlowerGuy, here goes:
- quick to warm up to people and trust them almost blindly
- easy to be talked into stupid ideas so long as he's been given enough reasons
- hasn't been hurt badly (emotionally)
- eager to find someone who understands him, thinking of himself as a very complex man (though he's actually quite simple to understand)

Right... also, I'd like to leave some sort of record: even if it means settling, I'm going to try to reach out to 2 and ask him to study with me for the next partial exam and see how that works out. I should have a chance, as we're always early for class when few (if any) others are. Something tells me he's considered the idea, so maybe he'll even say yes.

Only because all posts are full of side notes: 4 sat near me while I taught today, and I couldn't help but glance and remember my dream. I think he looked back a couple of times, which may or may not have had anything to do with my bright purple pants. He did what I did, trying to fetch something to his right just like I tried to put or take things from my bag on my left. So maybe the AXE people who came up with the ad were actually right.

Monday, 15 February 2010

One *hundred* posts (of nonsense)

Having dreamt nothing at all last night (as I managed to sleep without going into a single REM phase of sleep, waking up every time before I got to it), I started daydreaming during probability class. It involved 2, who'd sat a seat away from me in class, and what it'd be like to be with him. I had this picture in my mind where we sat on a couch, covered by a blanket and watched a film, television, or even played some videogame. I imagined it cozy, home country-ish, and warm.

During the bus ride, however, I found myself thinking very different thoughts. Instead of knowing I can't have D and (day)dreaming that I can and do, now I miss and can't have either my ex best friend or my ex boyfriend, so I somehow plotted a daydream where EBF helped me get to D. We went out, as AOB suggested we do, and R1, who just happened to be there with D, walked to our table and asked if I'd talk to D. My friends would step up at this point and tell R2 that D should come to us, and not the other way round so that when he comes to talk I'm somehow being overprotected by him (as well as getting a chance to somehow show off the state he gets me in). After a few brief introductions (and puzzled looks), as well as some light chit chatting D gets to the point: he'd like to be with me again. I tell him it's just not going to happen unless he can commit to not hurting me, at least not emotionally (which is to say, biting would be allowed). After that a chuckle or two ensue and, once he promises he won't hurt me, kisses. He sits on my left, for some reason, and I can see myself leaning my head on his shoulder, and him wrapping his right arm around me. EBF suggests, as the evening is about to end, that we go to his place for a few last beers by the balcony and the pool table, where D and I would have a chance to talk and catch up while he filled AOB and J2 in on what had happened.

I could then joke with D about all the losers who've been after me at some point or other after we broke up and I just know it would boost his ego to know he got a girl that many other men wanted for themselves. If things went well, and he were drunk enough, he might even open up to me and let me break into that sand core underneath the rocky exterior (his words, not mine). I'd have a chance to understand him. He'd ask me to unblock him and give him my phone number, and that way we could arrange a new meeting and many others to come after that.

Again (or still?) petty

I feel petty, spiteful and old-hag-ish. Is this what they call "withdrawal syndrome"? EBF's not stupid, he of course got the message and is staying away. But I'm wishing he had at least wished me a happy birthday, even though I pushed him away and wrote before that I'd really rather he simply didn't. So much for exceptional, I'm treating him the way I do D. I push them both away, rationally want out of anything that has to do with them, and yet dreamily hope for the impossible. There might be some sort of psychological disorder to be looked into there. Maybe it's just the madness kicking in.

Happy singles awareness day to me! I'm single and become more single every day, singling myself out from everyone around me. I can't seem to be able to stand people, and I'm evidently none too easy to be around. Rationally, why should I bother? Rationally, I'm better off, there's no reason why I should crave human interaction and being cared for. Rationally, I have my little one and she cares enough. Rationally, can I only care about a career? Rationally, can I pull myself ahead and make something out of myself? Rationally, is such a life even worthwhile? Rationally, why should I even stay alive? Rationally, I probably need to see a psychologist and deal with growing depression. Rationally, I've been telling myself about this for almost three years, trying to make myself go to one of the campus shrinks. Rationally, I'm not so sure where my suicide notes ended up, however impossible to read, and I fear my mum might've found them and freaked out. Rationally... is a future you reading this? What's written here probably adds up 80% of my thoughts and opens doors to 95% of all there is to know about me. Having made an effort to be as invisible as possible, can you even care? Why, if at all, would you go on reading this?

Precious... they hates us! *gollum* But we deserves to be hated... yes, my love, we pushed them away, they can't come back. We don't expects them to come back to us, we only wants a friend and boyfriend again. *gollum* Stupid loves! We musn't want them backs, they've hurt us, they'll only hurt us more. Even if they trieds being our friends again. Too late! We gave up, we gave outs, we gave in.

Sunday, 14 February 2010

Glad I didn't

I had a dream last night where EBF met D, and somehow owed him a couple of favours because D had been nice to him (as I remember, possibly incorrectly, cleaning out his car window). I, for some reason, wanted to see D and so I followed EBF around in a pub, trying to get a glimpse. Later it was implied I had to thank D in EBF's name, so I reached out to him through facebook, I sent him a message. In what seemed to be a brilliant way, he managed to answer in such a way that I couldn't possibly say anything back at him and continue this contact. I was, of course, humilliated so I could only be glad I didn't actually try anything that insane in my waking life.

Another turn around the sun

My birthday is now, officially, over. EBF sent no messages, didn't call, and didn't in any way try to communicate after I told him I wouldn't go out with him on Friday, and it was already evident we couldn't get together yesterday (or today). He can take a hint. Good. No more hipocrisy there, I hope. AOB mentioned he'd like to go to Mármara again, but with "all of us". That's meant to include EBF, I guess, but I don't know how that's supposed to happen. I could look forward to a night out with AOB like that, but I just don't feel like explaining why I don't want to tell EBF about it. So, if it doesn't happen, and it's my fault, I won't want to admit it. I suppose I could bring it up during conversation (if there ever is any) if I eventually do go out with EBF for my birthday. But my little one needs surgery, and I'll have to look after her once it's done, so I won't really be able to go out next weekend either.

Other than that, as far as yesterday was concerned, I had a good time. It was nice, going out with J2 and AOB, and it worked out pretty well with A, though I thought it might not. I couldn't help thinking of D. A and I had a laugh when I mentioned some loser from Ctg was the first to congratulate me for my birthday through facebook, and not J2, who had claimed to be first. I pointed out he'd congratulated me a day early. He became a bit defensive and asked if this loser was the guy I'd been with. Man... That, and I remembered the day when D peed near the place where I used to live, on a tree.

Friday, 12 February 2010


I... uh... yeah.... I think I might've weirded AOB out of a conversation, mentioning childish ridicule that's been in my mind lately. I think I needed to share things with someone, and I figured at the wrong time and place he might do, but of course he couldn't. I can't expect him to keep up with such nonsense. I wanted to tell him about EBF, but ultimately didn't. I think it would've been too "touchy feely", and he wouldn't have been cool with it. My overly intimate childish nonsense did the trick too. Maybe I'm not so much repulsed as I am repulsive, and people who're not repulsed are sick. No wonder I don't much like any of them, so I've no way out other than pushing them away too. Can't say I'm looking forward to my birthday. Yeah, I'll be offline before the 5min left to February 13th are gone.

Thursday, 11 February 2010

Probably influence of February 14th

I had a dream where I was in Palatino, trying to change a shirt I'd allegedly bought for my birthday (it was light grey  and shiny in my dream) because I'd bought it was much cheaper, so I was planning to change it for something else. I was there with my sister, who was in charge of guiding me through the mall. At some point, I told her I wouldn't be allowed to change it, because the frist grey shirt was already an exchange for something else I'd gotten before. My dad later said that the competition for Punto Blanco, La Pepita, had made them ignore such rules, as long as they kept selling. I don't know if I got the shirt, but I ended up in a hairdressing salon, where people were getting ready for a costume party (halloween?). I was dressed up too, and to be honest, I had a kick-ass body. Lean, toned, and it looked great in fairly revealing clothes (red, big, stiff, lady gaga like).Kristin Chenoweth was in the hairdressing salon too, if it's worth anything to point it out.

Before going to Palatino with my parents, though, I'd been out on a date with 4. We'd kissed, and I'd asked my mum for advice on something to do with kissing him. I kept calling him by 3's name, and argued that he looked like a "3's name". Real reason, I don't know anymore but I was concealing it in the dream. The first kiss he gave me was spontaneous, he just seemed really thankful that I'd agreed to go out with him. It was sloppy, though, and I couldn't help but compare and think I'd rather have D kiss me. I didn't mind so much, later on, as we hugged, and went on kissing. At some point I even sniffed him and found him 4/5 good. For the record, I have no idea what he smells like, never been that close to him. He ended up somehow involved in a family dinner, but he seemed alright with it. It was my mum's attitude which made me uncomfortabe.

I don't know when exactly, somewhere else in the dream, I found out D also walks his dog late at night, around the same times when my little one asks to be taken out. Though I know his dog is some form of terrier (or was, I don't know how old she is), in the dream it was a pinscher. I lived near him, in the dream, so it looked like a dog conspiracy to get us together. I went with my mum and possibly others to talk to him.. We waited for him to come back from walking his dog, but we were told she pooped in series (following a sequence that eventually approached a given number) and had to wait until she was done with it (which is to say, she had pooped only just a given epsilon less than the limit). I wanted to talk to D when he got back, but considered that he probably wouldn't want to talk to me and would be tired from having had to wake up. He doesn't like to wake up, as I remember, and he wouldn't be very pleasant to be around immediately (or even a dog walk) after waking up. When he got back, he went into a small (hotel?) room where his mother was waiting: she got into a fight with him, saying he wasn't allowed to be king or something like that. It was related to playing cards, she apparently had read her future with them and ever since a very specific date around July (maybe?) she'd stopped being queen and he'd become king, which obviously annoyed the shit out of her. She confrontted him. Apparently, the specific date went back to a day when we got back together. It seemed to me in the dream that we'd been together for a fairly long time (months). Though I only recall his mum mentioning maybe 3 months, it felt like 6+. I empowered D. It was a great feeling.
On another note, I had a dream of walking around university and finding the tweezers I've been looking for al day lying on the ground.

I forgot to write down I had a dream where I A  asked me to find a sex-related TV channel, or website. Not so much porn-like as it was informative, EMandLO-like.

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

MGG Mika mashup

There used to be more to it, but now I can only remember a life size board game with huge tiles where people stood and marked their spot with cards stuck on bases. MGG was in it, and he had at least  6-7 cards stuck on his base. At some point he just started running around like crazy to Mika's music. Pretty funny, actually.

Tuesday, 9 February 2010


First things first: when I talked to EBF yesterday he mentioned how the score N2:EBF is billions to few. I couldn't help but remember I'd written something about a dream I once had where he told me why they'd broken up. I couldn't remember what it was, though, so I looked it up on the blog. It's under "Gretchen, a mall, a little girl"; in my words, he was giving too much and she was giving too little. I posted it about a month ago, no less. Weird.

Before I'm done with EBF, we agreed to go out on my birthday, only earlier than I'm supposed to meet with A (and, if any show up, others). I told him never to mind, I told him we should take a rain check. I said I was only available on Monday and Thursday afternoons (when he's busy studying), and Saturdays (which "belong" to N2). Being N2's birthday too on Saturday, of course he can't be away from her that night. He should've just agreed to putting it off (or cancelling, really) but now he feels we should "give us a chance to talk because it hasn't happened a lot lately". Bullshit. I agreed, so I still need to find an excuse not to meet him on Saturday. I'll be emotional, and as can be understood from the next paragraphs and most other posts, I'm not comfortable being emotional around him (anymore).
I thought I'd write this down too, not because it's particularly important but because I still feel a bit embarrassed and need to justify my own actions a couple more times before I'm done torturing myself over them for today. During class today, in the afternoon, I sat a seat away from 2, who fell asleep. The class ended early, and though I thought he was only half asleep, he didn't get up with the rustle of everyone getting ready to leave. After considering for a bit, I figured that being the only one that close to him it would only be polite to wake him up and let him now we were leaving. I prodded him a couple of times, but he didn't wake up. I prodded him again from the other side and this time he woke up.

He'd drooled a little over his notebook and seemed a bit flustered when I woke him, trying to wipe his lip clean on his sleeve. I blurted the class was over early and walked away. I was sincerely embarrased. During the bus ride, I pinned down the reason: it was too intimate. Even though I realise people drool in their sleep, I would find it disgusting in most people and didn't in him. Just like I don't mind the way he chews gum with his mouth open, and find the same action revolting in everyone else. His chewing is cute, somehow, and I suppose his drooling was too. I just wasn't supposed to be that close to him, I shouldn't have seen that. I'm starting to think I probably should have stayed around longer, if only for a quick "thank you", but all I could think was I needed to get away, and not let him know I had seen him drool.

Monday, 8 February 2010

Hopeful in vain

As of 3min ago, a conversation I thought just might survive died.There I go: RIP. I told myself.

9:44 update
We managed to go on talking. When we moved on to the subject of my birthday and I made it clear it's not very easy for us to hang out, he tries (now). Note how he writes:

EBF ...♪time it was, and what time it was, it was... a time of innocence, a time of confidences... ♪:

*well, even if it doesnt include the others

*it'll just vie us a chance to talk for a while. there hasnt been much of that lately


Are you kidding me? Not much of that lately? We don't talk! *EVER* these days! I just might regret having agreed to meet him.

*Loud raspberry*

I have no balls

EBF talked, saying he finally watched "500 days of summer". I considered doing as I said I would, shutting up and waiting to be idle and then go offline. Yet I didn't. Just for the record. I'll remind myself later about this.

An old dream

I had a dream once, when I lived near the beach in Ctg where I killed myself. I only told A and D before doing so, and I don't actually remember the act of dying, but I remember being dead. My aunt MT was visiting, and people seemed concerned at home. I didn't care. The door that opened for cars to move in and out of the neighbourhood was somehow the limbo. I have to find more accurate records of this dream, because I can only vaguely remember Mr. J coming out of a white HONDA we once owned.

Pretty please...?

I'm feeling petty and whiny, just so you know. You've been warned. I want D to show up on my birthday. I want him to at least hug me, and I want everyone to see. I want A to see so we can talk about it. I want J2 to see so he'll get off my nerves (I could've hit him the night before last if we weren't distanced by computers). I want AOB to see because he'll understand. I want EBF, if he goes, to see because I wouldn't want to tell him. I think I've figured out what to say, besides "you've plenty to do involving no small amounts of exercise". I'll tell him we haven't spoken in over a month, and that if we speak it will only be because of my birthday. We might as well not talk at all. I talk to people whose name I don't know more often. Granted, I talk to AOB less often, but talking to him is actually pleasant and something I can look forward to. I'll tell him it's best he doesn't show up, it's not like I'll miss him that much more if he doesn't. I miss him now, but I'm sucking it up because I don't want to try being friends with him again.

As for J2... I'm sick of him. He may be able to use his brain, which is more than can be said of most, but I can't say he's smart or intelligent with a straight face. He seems to mix up concepts, and try to convince me of nonsense to prove more nonsense. I actually think he thought I was enjoying myself with the conversation. He asked if talking girls into sex required reading, which led to a discussion of the kind of intelligence that's actually helped by reading. I stated reading is not necessary, but being intelligent is. The importance of intelligence, in this case, relies on a man's ability to know what to say, and how to say it, rather than his ability to quote facts by heart. He had such trouble understanding the difference between reading people and reading books, and the different kinds of intelligence involved. I still think he never got it. If he had a clue, he wouldn't have dragged that stupid conversation on. I finally ignored him until he left, because when he said he should go and I told him to go, he said he'd rather go on talking to me. It annoyed the fuck out of me. He needs to get laid, I just won't be the one to do him that favour, so he should stop wasting my time.

Saturday, 6 February 2010

This is so post worthy

AOB and J2 just left a scarf wrapped up as a gift. They didn't tell the watchman who'd left it, they only instructed him to hand it in. A note inside said "[insert special occasion] - Jouls + Toni". It was awesomely sweet and so sweetly awesome. I tried calling them, but I'm all out of minutes and though I tried calling from my sister's mobile phone I got no answer. I left them each a message. I'll try to call them again later.

Friday, 5 February 2010

Suddenly remembered

I suddenly remembered a story I read when I was little. It's featured, I think, in a book with a bedtime story for every night of the year which must still be somewhere around here. In the story, a woman's blood became rubies, so an evil man cut her for profit. I don't know why, but I've gotten it into my head that the evil man was the woman's lover. He wouldn't be in a story aimed at children, then again children shouldn't read about blood turning into jewels, the scab fairy becomes even creepier that way. The woman is, in the end, saved by her prince charming, or whatever. I just remembered the story and thought I'd write it down.

There was something else I'd remembered later. I can't remember what it is now, though, and I keep coming back to try and write it. I don't suppose I'll actually get around to it, I figured I might remember if I started writing, but no. Just for the record, I'm leaving myself a little note of how glad I am to have gotten 2/3 jobs I want, one of which pays quite well. I'm now part of a polygon. A paying polygon. My soundtrack for the night and thought-void moments is "Je ne regrette rien" by Édith Piaf. And I'm now too busy watching "love actually" to care much about anything else that happens around this time.

In case you were wondering


Get it?

Thumbelina - for all the times when I feel tiny and would like to hide in a tulip bud. I also sometimes want to shriek like a Nazgûl.

A dream out of television

I had a dream where the cast from "Criminal Minds" was dealing with a sociopath in a casino. He was obsessed with getting back a very particular chip he put into a slots machine, and Reid was helping him win all the coins he could until the machine emptied out and he got his chip. On another note, Rossi lectured Morgan, though I don't know why, and took his gun. I also remember being in a cinema with A, R1 and his gf.

Back in real life, I was out with my mum all morning running errands to see if I can get myself a job as a waitress (still missing a picture I can send). Too much time together made her feel like bonding, and she asked about D, as she does, every so often. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me seem like I'm stalking him (which I am, only she doesn't need to know) and like I'm supposed to know about him.

I thought it'd be worth mentioning that on a bus ride, during the usual "scan" to guess who's going where and what they do, I spotted a young man dressed in jeans, a black vest, a black jumper and a striped white and blue shirt underneath. He was listening to music. I figured he looked a bit like a guy in university who was once my monitor for vector calculus. Not exactly good looking, his features aren't exactly those of a man descended from european royalty, yet down-to-earth, smart in a simple way, yet capable of "greater" thoughts. It occurred to me he must be an engineer, or perhaps even into pure science (a physicist, a chemist). A man of science and common sense, all the same. He was listening to music, so it surprised me somewhat to suddenly see him smile. It was a genuinely heartfelt smile, which was endearing. It wasn't exagerated, it wasn't meant at anyone in particular. He must've just remembered something and smiled at the memory of it. Something about that sudden smile was sweetly unexpected.

Thursday, 4 February 2010


No particular beginning for this dream, I fear. I remember, vaguely, being in my old school, having to attach cable extensions. One in particular could transmit/emit a blue raspberry smell/taste to whatever it was plugged to. I ran with the cable line to where the buses wait outside and plugged the line somewhere near the driver's seat. The bus was full of japanese school girls. We got to a house in the countryside, and Will from "glee" was there, or someone very similar. Two girls, one looking like a young Debra Messing, threw a tantrum I can't remember what about to get the teacher's attention. Later, in a mostly empty house I walked around the rooms, talking to a girl who had a crush on a guy who comes from my old school but is now in class with me, studying maths. He graduated at least 2 years before me, which makes that a bit odd. Never minding that, in some parts of the house it was incredibly cold. A cold wind blew, and it blew right through flesh and bones. I told this girl to get the guy stand in front of a particularly cold-blowing-window. By my logic, he'd grow so cold he'd need to hug her, and she'd get what she wanted. Very manipulative, and it should've gone wrong in any number of ways, but it seemed to work out, as he did hug her. Only he'd become a grizzly bear and we (myself and 4 other people) could switch cameras to see the bear humping the girl (rather than hugging her) in different settings in 4 seasons. She seemed ok with it, which is more than I can say of anyone being humped by a bear, but hey...

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

Word of the day

Ostracising. I don't know why, but I woke up today thinking this word to myself. I have to confess I didn't know if it was even a word, or what its meaning was. It turns out that "to ostracise" is to exclude someone from activities. I wonder...

Tuesday, 2 February 2010


I woke up several times, and dreamt several times last night. Among the first dreams, I confronted EBF and Vc telling them to remember school biology classes that told about how sea creatures once roamed the earth and not the other way round. I distinctly remember telling them it was a class by ms Daisy, and talking about a picture always shown in textbooks with some creature crawling out of the water, when really it should be going into it. I reminded myself to type this down in the next dreams, and reminded myself not to forget the dream. It occurs to me now, I'm not so sure that's actually true, or that I've seen it in class, so I'll have to check whenever I have more time to spare. I find both ideas about as strange: first, I thought it was only natural it would be easier to lose limbs than to grow them to be out of the water, as sea creatures have somewhat more simplified bodies... Along the same lines, however, I don't suppose gills are easy to grow, so now I'm not so sure.

All day today, and during most of an excessively long bus ride today (no thanks to terrible drivers, a mediocre policeman and no real punishment for terrible drivers in general) I fantasised about D having indeed told A about some plan to get us together again, all depending on my saying something. I felt tempted to, many times, but I figured I wasn't supposed to go and ruin a perfectly night out with a friend for a guy I haven't talked to in 3 years. Why bring that up? And yet, why did A invite me, anyway? Why that cinema? Why so close to D's (last known to me) home address? Why so late? Why so specifically on that day?

I should know better, but you see, the D from 6 years ago might've remembered, and might've planned, and might've tried. I realised (only just now, surprisingly) that when we were together, if only fur such a short time, I was genuinely happy. It was both because I had little or no other troubles at the time and because I felt that Moulin Rouge vibe of "the greatest thing you'll ever know is just to love and to be loved in return". So the fantasy goes that I finally tell A and she tells me of D's plan to come to me if I brought him up in conversation, but only then. I then used my memory to call him on his cellphone and ask him to agree to see me and talk if I went to his place. Once there, I told him it was stupid of him to agree to be with me again only on such specific circumstances, and that if he was serious he should meet me where I'm to meet A and tagalongs for my birthday. If he showed up, we could talk, hug and hold hands as others arrived and I got to laugh at the looks on their faces.

I can't help but linger on the moment when he asks if I'd like to be his girlfriend again. Without any thought, I'd say yes right away, if only for the urge to be allowed to hold hands with him, hug him and kiss him. With little thought, I'd still say yes, for the sake of some much needed human contact. If I think about it hard, I could only say yes once I'm sure it will be like it was six years ago. I want to be happy like I was then, and it won't do to pretend I can settle for less when it comes to that. Feeding myself those lies will make me much more miserable later.

On a side note, I'll indulge in pettiness: EBFs planning a barbecue, an event I found out about through facebook, and I'm obviously not invited. It's not that I want to go, I don't get along with his friends anyway, it's just that I want to be included. For instance, a couple of years ago he would've told me he was leaving Bta. We would've met sometime before that, and met again once he got back to celebrate his birthday. I suppose that last conversation was so incredibly dry I'm still having trouble swallowing it, and it's lodged someplace uncomfortable in my throat. I know I gave up on the idea, I know we don't speak, I know I set my mind to ignore him and even tell him off if he tries to get close. I'd have to make up some excuse not to go to anything he invited me to, but the petty side of me wants him to try. The petty side of me wants to feel wanted, wants to be worth somebody's effort. So much for that.

Monday, 1 February 2010

2 by the pool

2 was with a friend of his by a pool. His friend annoyed him, so when his friend left for a short while 2 "escaped" to where I was and we talked a little. Later I had him listen to my cousin's music, because he said he was very stressed out about the class we had next.

In another dream, I was in an old house belonging to my mum's cousin. Family antiques were everywhere, and my aunt MT explained where most of it came from, and said that some of the things there should some day belong to me and my sister. I said I thought it was highly unlikely, as it seemed the owner of the house had no intentions of giving away any of the antiques to people on our side of the family.

In university, I was with two other girls, having to fight a monster, FF style. First time around, we had to escape (we barely managed), I can't remember anything about the second time.

When I woke up for the last time today (I woke up several times throughout the night) I just knew I'd had a very important dream that needed to be written down. I may have made it up last second, but it felt premonitory. A dream like the one where D and I meet in the cinema, before we actually met in real life in the cinema. It occurred to me later during tha day that maybe it had something to do with telling EBF off, come my birthday. I suppose I'll see about that later, or not.