## Saturday, 30 January 2010

### Cartoons and grass

I remember reading something about J.K. Rowling and how the most humiliating thing to read about and imagine was cartoons peeing. Also, I was in the house, where the garage is, only there was grass. And I weeded it, pulling and tugging at the thicker grass to remove it. The last line of grass was attached to cables, which was odd.

### It's the date that does it

Six years and about six hours ago, D asked me to be his girlfriend. I was tricked into going to the cinema by my self, and where my friends should have been only D showed up. I was told later it was his idea. Stupidity and clumsiness ensue, until midway through "The last Samurai" he asked: "yes or no?". We didn't kiss that day. I'll miss that a week from today, six years ago. I still remember the dates. I still remember his cellphone number, and his home phone number in Ctg. I couldn't stop remembering today. Not as I watched "Nine", and the fact that the film wasn't all that good didn't help. Neither did the fact that A suggested we go watch it that late at night, out of the blue, and that the only cinema available was the one next to the building D lived in. Even my parents must have suspected something, they asked more times than usual if I had money and told me to bring an ID, even though I insisted I was just going to the cinema. I kept thinking D might show up anywhere when we got to the mall, when A went to the bathroom, when I went to the bathroom, even as I sat in the cab home I thought I saw him on one side of the road.

I decided today I won't go to Wok for my birthday. I won't hope to see D anywhere. I'm going someplace else with A and tagalongs, and I might even tell EBF off if he asks to come. I won't see D. Even if I do, there can be no meaning in it. I think I finally put my finger on why I like him so: he can know me. Many have tried, none have succeeded like him. Not even EBF. D's ability to predict me at times was uncanny. I don't know if it's because I hid nothing and he could se everything there was to see, making his job easier, or if he really is that good. He just might be, it would seem reading people became key to survival at some point. At any rate, I can't possibly be good for him for the same reason: I can't know him. Whether because he wouldn't let me or because I just can't, even when given the chance, I don't know. He's tried too hard (as I remember, around me) to remain a mystery and let on as little as possible about himself. So, that's how I know it can't happen. I've tried several different scenarios, and none of them will work out. I've found nothing but contradiction, and if anything that's supposed to mean "give up arlready!". I have to grant myself one thing, though, and it's that the D who set me up in the cinema would indeed surprise me like I hoped, and I only noticed today. Like Marion Cotillard sang, it was "someone else ago". No use thinking of it now.

I also meant to tell myself: I'm getting rid of whomever I was when I could rightfully call myself EBF's best friend. If that means retreating into an immature child who believes too much of her own made up nonsense, then so be it. I'll go on daydreaming, scheming scenarios, thinking of faeries, leprechauns, brownies, fate, and dreams. I'll go on thinking that if only I can somehow remember some thing or other I can unlock events in the future. I'll go on weaving ridiculous spells, and they'll be my very own placebos.

It's almost three years now, so screw it. When I tell him off I'll say he must have plenty to do involving no small amounts of exercise, what with his gf's birthday and Valentine's day being one after the other in the same weekend. I wouldn't dream of blocking his cock. Moreover, even if none of the two were involved, I don't want him to show up. I know he'll go to answer some call of duty, if he goes, and I see no reason why he should. I'll tell him I don't care if he wants to go on thinking of himself as my best friend, a friend, or even an acquaintance. I talk to acquaintances more often and enjoy longer conversations with them. Whatever position he's comfortable with, I'm quitting mine as anything remotely similar to his friend. I'll do nothing for him and expect the same. I talk to AOB less often, and I'd still call him a friend. EBF showing up could be quite insulting.

## Friday, 29 January 2010

### Family gold, lost building, murder

I was in an odd contraption designed to work like a bus. I sat next to a fat man and almost fell off the vehicle several times as it wound its way up a mediterranean mountain. I often felt vertigo at the thought of falling, though I was always more than 5m away from the edge. At some point I did fall, and so did the rest of my family. It might've not necessarily been the exact same people, but the structure was similar enough. Our last name was different, though... I just can't remember what it was. When we fell, I started to make our way dodging cars on the road and trying to follow the route off the "bus" we fell off of. We should've gone straight after a bridge, but when I looked back to see if they were all following me, my dad and my sister entered a wood next to the bridge. My dad said he knew family gold was buried in it, so he set out to find it. My mum said the idea was ridiculous and suggested we go on along the road, but as they didn't pay any attention, we followed them into the wood. We found ourseves in the campsite of what seemed to be scientific research. Dad said we must've been close to a building whose location had long ago been lost to time. It was somehow related to the missing gold. When he asked my mum if she remembered, I could see the flashback: it was dark, late at night, and all that could be clearly seen of this building was a clock on a central tower. It was european, and dated back at least a couple of centuries. After chasing a pidgeon in the campsite for a while, I left with my parents. My dad had apparently given up for the day on finding whatever he was looking for.

Later, we all appeared in a large storage room. My mum and dad directed an acting school, and their students were there, waiting for class to begin. Among students, some knew about my dad's quest for long lost family treasure. Near the entrance to the storage room (one of those doors that unfold and fall from the ceiling, only of gigantic proportions) were some cables. They were creamy in colour, and one of them was connected to an extension, which was taped to the ceiling and hung about halfway down, maybe more. A goth-looking woman who followed my dad's crazy ideas decided to kill him. Before she did, though she said something defiant to my mum and tried to pull the cable that hung from the ceiling. My mum held on to the other side and the other woman couldn't lift her. It seemed to establish my mum was still superior to the other woman. After this, the goth-woman stabbed my dad on th back, and then so did a couple others who agreed with her. I could see his face, and then the bloody knives as they placed them on a table, still dripping. We all started dancing then in couples. I couldn't stop crying, it seemed so wrong for them to have done that, and even worse yet that people around me quickly stopped crying and gave in to dancing. The last thing I remember is being in a rectangular arrangement, divided into cream and red lines. one of the two sets of lines were made of odd humanoid beings, only distorted and clearly inferior. They were hunchbacks, thin, and with very large ears and noses. Though I was low on the food chain, one of these creatures told me they were far worse off than I was.

Iremembered talking to a man abouut books. These  books each dealt with two subjects at a time. All I remember now is discussing brownies, the leprechaun-like creatures.

## Thursday, 28 January 2010

### Dirty water and today's musings

All I remember now from last night's dream is being someplace tropical in a house meant for someone's vacations. Some woman greeted us and introduced us to the place. She asked my dad to fix something for there, it had to do with the water supply. Once he did, though, they said they'd have to let dirty water run for a day or so, until clear water came out again, which very much depleted all drinking water resources. I ended up swimming in a river of that filthy water, with others. It was so dense and oily we could easily float in it, and killer whales floated in it too (though they seemed alright, as in not dead). Possibly a part of the same dream, I remember my sister playing a modern version of the 80s "Simon says" with my cousins' boyfriends on a console that blurted out coloured lights and sounds in a sequence which had to be entered again backwards. When the sequence became too long, the game helped you out a bit showing you which buttons to press next, only you didn't have much time for that.

On to today's musings... Several things: I went out with A to do some paperwork to get a new ID. We bought books, had lunch and then sat down for a while to chat. My old student from last year's vacations ran into us and said hi. A agreed with me, once he left, that he does look a bit like D. It's not just me then. There was something unexpectedly comforting about it. It could mean that my attraction to D is not *just* physical, and possibly not physical at all if I feel nothing for the boy I taught maths to. It could mean I don't go about imagining I see D everywhere, which would mean I'm not completely insane just yet. It could mean nothing. It was comforting all the same.

A and I talked about Cq (can't believe I hadn't mentioned him yet), and how he and J2 made a habit of going to strip clubs downtown, not far from university. We talked about advice she gave him on how to talk girls into having sex with him. We talked about J2's remarks last night, especially the ones about a certain "right man" for me. It seemed as if he were trying to make himself stand out as that right man, which would explain why he's so concerned with my future and what I intend to make of it. I get it: he's a great catch because he's sweet, he's supposed to be handsome(-ish?), smart, and a number of other great things as well as horny. None of them (well, few) make him a good catch for me.

If I had to choose (I had that question stuck for a while today, not knowing what it referred to, I think I just might) I'd go for AOB sooner than I would for J2. It's a simple as the fact that I know AOB could know me better than J2 ever could, even if we don't talk as often and he doesn't ask about my life as much as J2 tries to. The fact is, I don't want a man who's good to me. I want the man I want, and I'd like him to be good to me. It's not even a requirement. If I were brutally honest, I'd tell him to stay away from me and explain that as a rule, I don't like men who like me, quite simply because I have to assume they like me out of too much testosterone. With D, I'm too busy thinking of my feelings regarding wanting to be with him to bother with why he'd like to be with me. I'd explain why I should've totally chosen R1 if I were to go for the "good guy", why R1 is better than him and how I still didn't even consider him. I doubt he'd make good use of that information, though.

I told A about the last dinner I hosted, and it felt great to tell someone about it. She seemed to understand, at least partly, why it made me so mad. I've decided I'm not inviting people over for my birthday. Just like last time, we're going out for dinner. Initially, the plan is to go someplace with plenty of restaurants to choose from, and if hunger or a lack of better options defeat us, we'll go to Wok. I'm hoping for tiny chances at maaaybe seeing D if we walk around long enough in the right places. We, of course, means A and I. If others call/text/write and ask where I plan to be, I'll tell them I plan to walk around and have dinner. It's up to them if they come. I'm counting on A, and on no one else. I'm pretty sure EBF won't make it, because N2's birthday is the exact same day and I'm pretty sure there are far more exciting things to do regarding her birthday than mine. I won't take it personally. I'll be sorry, but I don't expect so much as a phone call, so fuck that.

Oh dear... I forgot most of what I meant to write... now I can only recall thinking of how idiotic ecology is. People concerned about the environment and how to make it better now are as stupid as an old man complaining of liver, heart and lung failure after a life of all types of excess. You don't get to live much longer, so be it. Don't whine, it surely won't help matters one bit.

I daydreamed for a bit, thinking of what it would be like to be 3's gf. I planned on leaving tiny notes with problems to be solved only to reveal some sweet message, each marked with a letter so that once they're put together they read "I'll miss you when we break up". It would happen, inevitably. He's going to be a family guy, a great dad, and I'm just not up to it. If I ever have kids, I can only start with D's son. It's weird, how I can somehow see that future. I know it's a boy. It might've just been a coincidence, but when D mentioned my being afraid of getting pregnant he said I was afraid of the little boy. As if we could both see the same child and refer to it as the little boy. At any rate, he's the only one who'd get me to agree to have kids, and raise them.

## Wednesday, 27 January 2010

### Schnapple

I don't even know if it's a word, but it sounds very Willy-Wonka-like. I was in the parking lot of the Hilton hotel in Ctg for some school thing. I was teamed up in a group with EBF and others, including some girl. I was left behind with her, as they all left in cars and forgot about us. At some point I found myself in a dungeon made of dark grey stones. It was rectangular, and the corners had holes in them. Some girls from my old school were there investigating a substance that seeped into the holes in the corners. It was disgusting, really... and it was what thousands of flluorescent green cobwebs, gelified in thick air. One of the girl explained that was schnapple, and that it actually tasted pretty good.

## Tuesday, 26 January 2010

### Rule of thumb

I haven't kept track, not accurately, of just how much he looks at me, but Sfer (analysis professor) holds his gaze on me longer than I'd like. His look is penetrating (I graded it in rasputins, look in another post), so him looking at me at all is uncomfortable enough. The fact that he makes eye contact and holds it longer than he does with anyone else in class, turns away to the board if I hold his gaze for too long, and often asks me questions directed at the class ("Do you understand?" and waiting for me to nod, for instance) make me even more uncomfortable. Add that to my sense of smell and just how obvious it is (at least to me) that he's needy, stir in my paranoia and you'll get a pretty unpleasant picture of a professor that wants to do me. He's good looking, actually, and not that old. He's italian, he has a cute accent and he dresses well. I finally put my finger on what would make me say "HELL NO!" to anything with him (just like it would to anything with Q): if a man was old enough to masturbate before I was born, he's too old for me. Age varies from man to man, but it's a great rule of thumb.

Also worth noting, if only a small little, I sat a chair away from 2 during class today. Before we went in, he asked if I knew which classroom we were supposed to be in, and I pointed out I was waiting for others to walk into a classroom to follow, because I wasn't sure. I put on my earphones again instead of trying to say something or at least offer him to sit next to me and lay down the two bookbags he was carrying. I only thought of this halfway through class. I didn't feel like walking farther away from the door, and I left the chair because I thought FlowerGuy might join him. Flower guy never showed up (which is a good thing, he still makes me uncomfortable). During class, he often stretched out and leaned toward me, far out, on the space that would belong to whoever was on the empty chair between us. It was oddly comfortable to have him that close, when I wasn't too busy trying to stay awake or waking up from tiny naps I couldn't keep myself from taking.

During the bus ride to university, I couldn't keep myself from thinking of D. I want to be with him so badly. I started this silly fantasy (aren't they all silly?) where it's my birthday and I'm out having dinner with A, R1, and others and D arrives, asking to talk to me outside. I get up, and after fumbling and stumbling on something, when I'm close to him, ready to leave, he hugs me. I said I'd settle for anyone else (which very much means I'm willing to forget about genetics if most everything else is ok), but truth is, I'd settle for D even if he just wanted to use me. I'd let him! I'd want him to use me if it will get me close to him and let me kiss him and hug him again. I did the math today on the bus, and I've been in love with him (mark my words, in love, I had a crush on him before that) for at least 7 years. It's a damn long time. What's worse is, we were together the first time, 3 years passed by and out of nowhere we got together again. It's been another 3 years since that, and I can't help but wish for something to happen, even though I've gone out of my way to make sure nothing happens. Can something possibly "try to happen"?

## Monday, 25 January 2010

Come thea day I'm sure you're gone (to China, France, or nowhere, but might as well be gone) I'm sending you the link to this blog. Read what you will, if you're willing to read anything. It makes no difference, and as it is things can't get much worse, so in case this can make anything better, well, here goes. As an introduction, 'cause I don't think I'll be re-writing much, you should read this as nonsense I would've "normally" told you about.

Without thinking it twice, I would've sent a good deal of what's written here as messages. When I became aware of just how pointless it was to even consider telling you anything, I simply didn't send any of them (though I confess I opened windows and typed messages only to erase them). I still needed to write things down, I couldn't get rid of that habit, so I'm typing them here. As a bonus, I get to keep count of just how often I write about what, and try to spot nonexistent patterns in my thoughts. Microsoft Word wouldn't do that for me. I don't care much if just anyone can read this, it's highly unlikely anyone will (other than you, because I told you about this blog). Even then, few would understand.

If you choose to read any other posts, I strongly suggest you go for the ones labeled "intro" first. I labeled out stuff as "censored" in posts I figured you probably don't want to read, so just follow labels when in doubt. Also, you might want to avoid the "fantasising" posts altogether. They're mostly a collection of daydreams and wishful thinking. I'm pretty sure you're not exactly eager to read them, and I find their numbers increasing. Oh, and you'll probably want to avoid the ones marked "hormones," too. That label goes for all the times when I'm feeling desperate, and you probably won't want to know about those either. A long time ago, I would've told you and then regretted it, because I know it would annoy you/creep you out. So now it's written, I'm just warning you not to read them.

Oh, and by the by... Don't try to contact me now. Given the timing, I expect nothing and I'd rather not get any feedback. Mainly because I'll be embarrassed. I'll be even more embarrassed if I forget to censor stuff out. If you absolutely must say something, I'm pretty sure there will be a "comment" section for you to access. Everything here has gone without feedback for too long for any feedback to be worthwhile. Part of what's here, you already know (or could've guessed at). Most of it, you don't need to know. Some of it, you don't want to know.

*Of course, this only goes if I'm still any good at guessing what your next move can be, and I don't suppose I am anymore. So... yeah, that's just my regular nonsense if I was wrong, which I probably was.

## Sunday, 24 January 2010

### R1 a mayor

Some teacher I hated back in my second school offered R1 to be mayor of whatever small town the school was in as a pretext to have him working as the headmaster. I defended him and said he didn't have to do work even the headmaster didn't do, attending all school presentations. In a school trip someplace in a wood by the mountains, I saw Rajah (Jasmine's tiger in "Aladdin") in the sun, along with two cubs and a nanny tiger.

In a different dream altogether, Chris Colfer tweeted me directly and asked me to pick him up after practice, so I told my mom, but we had no address and she was running low on gas, so we never did. He then tweeted something about being in a beach.

## Saturday, 23 January 2010

### Agh!

A just told me she ran into an old friend of hers from school here, Mf, who asked her if she knew D, my ex. She said yes, of course, and that was the end of that. But it bothers me that D mentioned to Mf that he's my ex. I'd rather he didn't mention me at all, I'd rather he didn't remember me. Somehow, his remembering me negates my wanting to forget him. I can't forget him if he goes on remembering me, and bringing me up in conversation. I suppose even that little is too much hope. I just can't get my head around it: D knew both me and A from Ctg, why not say he was friends with both of us a long time ago? Why not say he knew us from school, or mutual friends? Why me? Why bring up the fact that I was his gf?

## Friday, 22 January 2010

Last, I was going on a journey with A and her parents and my sister, so we were busy trying to pack everything into the car, wondering what to pack first and what last (seeing as what we got in the car first would come out last). I said we should pack everything we needed first, just so we didn't forget it.

My sister was competing against Niccollo, a boy she went to school with, in a race where they first had to run, then jump through some platforms on water, and then jump on something that made them land on a cushion. I discussed the placement of the cushions with the men from Mythbusters and asked them where Buster was. Buster had long ago been declared useless. Come the time of the competition, facebook was somehow involved, my sister mentioned something stupid she told my mum (or perhaps it was my mum who brought it up). I never watched the end of the competition (though, on a side note, I do remember building a bridge with plastic parts ,including small containers filled with what looked like baking soda, and explaining the procedure to someone else.)

As we watched the competition, a new one began where a monitor competed against a student on who'd finish eating a big glass of ice cream first. The monitor I at some point considered hitting on was there, eating chocolate ice cream, and though he wasn't competing I kept looking at him, to see how he was doing. He needed (or at least took) pauses more often than I would have guessed he'd need them, and in one of the pauses he sat on the table he was eating on, next to another guy, and made out with him for a short while. I pointed out the event to EBF briefly. Later, in a classroom there were raffles, and after someone else finished, the monitor started a raffle where he said the prize would be a crab, which became what goes with crab, which turned out to be mayo. Theother prize was an ice cube. Before I got to listen to what he was saying, EBF took me to a small room attached to the classroom with a bed and a lit TV, carried me and started waltzing. He carried me hugging me very tightly so his head was below mine and my toes hardly touched the floor every so often. I was amazed by the fact that the dancing didn't make me dizzy and try to keep record of the way he was moving to make that so.

My sister and I were to have some dancing lessons (or perhaps not, but lessons after all) with a very excentric man who had a very annoying wife. She almost stalked him, creepy. While we were there, the teacher ran out of talcum powder, which he desperately needed for the girl who was coming next. I told him about a sale on the brand of talcum powder I use, but he needed fancier brands, like clinique, and he needed at least 2Kg of it. He made a special paste this model who was coming over loved to be covered in, and it wouldn't do. In the end, I had to explain his wife that he was preparing to receive the model, and he had to settle for cheap talcum powder mixed with acetaminophen pills (no idea why).

I was in a mall with a man who sometimes transformed (Ranma-like) into a much more fashionably aware version of himself. A gay man told him this alter ego dressed much better. I believe I had one, too, but I don't know what she was like. I was wearing a long courderoy dresswith a long sleeved shirt underneath it (cream over purple). A gay man in a table in the food court said he was giving me a new shirt as a present worth $20,000 pesos if I could find a shirt that matched his description: he said nothing about the colour, but it had to be casual wear (street wear, actually) and it had to have a V-neck. I said only GEF made such shirts, but as I walked through the mall (very large, by the way) I entered several different stores, finding nothing. This particular dream ended before I got a chance to find the right shirt. Walking by a poor area of Ctg I saw a *HUGE* mall and equally sized library. When I saw the library, though I didn't go in, I felt like Belle must have felt when the beast gave her the library. So many books... I later ran into R1 and started a tour around the huge mall. Even the stores were of epic proportions. A bit ridiculous, but it looked nice. Just for the record, this mall was something like a greenhouse, shaped like a triangular prism, and with clear roof tiles. ## Thursday, 21 January 2010 ### Bet you never thought... I was going to say I'd travel all around Europe to eat tons of food, if I were filthy rich. I'd have to go with my family, which I suppose is ok, but sad, as I don't actually have anyone to take with me. I would have little use for excessive luxury, so no golden toilet seats, only great food, tons of candy and a couple of gadgets for friends and family. Sounds stupid, but I'd find a way to get Andrés Calamaro's autograph, and put it together with autographs by Muse, Beirut, Radiohead, and all other musicians I could remember EBF liked. I'd even decided I'd have it mailed to his house, no return address or name on the envelope. If he wasn't here at the time I could somehow count on him getting the package eventually. Of course the idea is childish, and far beyond ridiculous. Most items in this list are. I can't listen to Prince's "Kiss" without picturing penguins dancing to it, ever since I first saw "Happy Feet". If I had money to spare I wouldn't donate it to charity, I'd give use to it buying stocks for candy factories (m&m's, HERSHEY'S, TOBLERONE, Wonka, Godiva) so I could have tons of candy on me at all times, but I would also want to do some good with it. I'd buy Mgt a restaurant and ask her to give out a couple of free lunches every so often. I'd buy land and ask scientists and natives to look after it, the plants and the animals. I'd buy eco-friendly air-powered cars and means to refill their tanks. I've had crushes on the white biker mouse from the Biker Mice from Mars, the dragon guy from Saint Seiya, Goku, Ranma, Aoshi Shinomori, Alex from "Ghost writer", and the make up artist who once appeared in "Ghost writer". I once kissed a girl. On the lips. I was incredibly gullible when I was little. A girl who sat on the bus next to me came up with outrageous stories to amuse me (really it might have only been one, I think she grew annoyed after that), including one about a boy the size of a pencil she'd squashed as if he were a roach. If I were famous and won an award I'd give thanks only to not-that-obvious influences and I'd call out R1, Mr. J, Leonardo Venegas, 3, Q and AOB. I believe in an odd kind of cheap witchcraft where sometimes I feel cues to do or not do certain things. For instance, I had 3 cues to let go of the idea of D waaaay back in Ctg and I chose not to give it up every time. I had a cue to remember Leonard's last name (Hoffdtstater) without watching the show or looking it up online. I twitched it to watching the show and I happened to watch the "right" episode that day or the next. I received an odd message from one of D's friends asking when I finished classes on Tuesdays. Nothing ever happened, but I kept thinking D was behind it and would somehow surprise me. I sat next to an old lady in the bus who smelled like my grandparents old apartment and it seemed to me that I could ask anything of her, so I asked to have D be my bf again. To seal the spell I touched an old newspaper that had been left behind by several people next to me and the man who was then next to me was holding. No effect (of course). When I was little, I was afraid of my room in the dark because I thought my toys somehow transformed into beakers and glass containers, all part of a lab built to experiment with me. I like to look at houses and imagine what kind of people live in them and what their lives are like. I think I'm ugly. I don't try to look pretty for others, I try to look pretty for myself so I don't have to be so hard on myself when I judge my appearance and it annoys me that others want to give their unwanted opinions. If offered to date celebrities I'd pick MGG without giving it too much thought. I'd love to hang out with Mika, Chris Colfer and most of the "glee" and "The Big Bang Theory" cast. Reading Harry Potter made me imagine I could hear the Hogwarts Express. I obliged to D's request that I call girls I didn't know (and one I did), asking for sex tips. That's part of the "too much" in "I love you too much". Sometimes when I'm desperate I just wish I could hide in a giant blossom that shuts down, or screech like a Nazgûl. I once wrote, sang (and recorded) a tiny little bit of song where I said God was born in my home country. Blame it on "The Lion King" but I used to think clouds were to dead people what signs are to people who can't talk. I thought whichever soul was more powerful at the time could take control of a certain cloud and turn it into whatever it liked (which included somehow the soul of Mario Bros). I'm afraid of dark living rooms and drunk men. Watching "Dr. Doolittle" made me want to try talking to animals. I never had a crush on any of the "regular" guys girls had crushes on when I was in school. I never liked Leonardo Di Caprio, nor a boy who looked a lot like him and came from the US. I did, however, daydream of being their girlfriend so I could show them off and make other girls jealous. I'm insistent, not brilliant (nor too smart, for that matter). The only time I ever considered EBF romantically was in the first party I ever went to here. D invited A and me, as it was being organised by his schoolmates. We paid for our tickets, met him where the bus was leaving, and only once again 3-5m away after that. We felt humilliated, and I more than her, as I was the reason we were both there, I couldn't miss a chance to be around D. As we sat leaning on a column next to people dancing A (aware of rumours in school regarding myself and EBF) metioned EBF would be lying on the floor, too drunk to remember his own name, but wouldn't have done what D did. I once went through my parent's books trying to find a Cardcaptor Sakura-like book. I've considered posting an add looking for a house elf and/or putting gold in a bottle to try and catch a brownie. I find christmas lights comforting and somehow "safening". Sometimes I fantasised about having awesome origins, being a long lost princess or at least having cooler relatives. I distinctly remember imagining a chinese princess riding a giant panda through golden, dry, tall grass by the road to school, looking for me. I also remember wishing I were related to a very cool american girl. Late at night, years ago, I sometimes felt "evil" and "darkness" taking over me, so I focused on imagining myself irradiating a bright golden light and I felt safe again. I'm disgusted by men who like me and don't know me (which would be all but R1, if I only consider the official list) because all I can think of is how they must like to jack off to the thought of being with me. ### Today's dissertations During class today our professor talked about limits, which got me thinking about maths and a brand new reason why they're awesome. For the most part, maths began as a way to model the outside world (which is why they have so many uses in physics, economy and engineering, to name a few). Mathematicians construct ideas to resemble the outside world, and ideas to resemble ideas to exhaustion. These are all approximations, which is why there is so much error involved in actual experiments, but it occurred to me today that at least in abstract, once something is almost like something else, it might as well be something else and it's safe to call it by another name. 0.99999... actually equals one and it can be proven. Models made so far don't often go too far into the "sequence of resemblance" that you could rightfully call them what they model, but in examples as simple as the cheesy golden ratio it's clear enough we can construct anything on ideas alone if we work hard enough on it. The word "almost" seems to lose meaning once you're too far down the "sequence of resemblance" (I like the concept, this one's a keeper). Beyond numbers, a friendship that's almost over, when you almost never talk, is no friendship at all. There's hardly any difference at this point between not having a friend and having one you so rarely speak to and don't even look forward to speaking to, so screw it, why bother with the word friendship at all? Same goes for anything, really. I don't know if I've already written anything about that night I went to the party (possibly the second party I've been to, here, if the first was the D fiasco), but I'll go ahead and write what I was thinking of today. I shouldn't have gone, I went to please EBF in his attempt to get me into the outside world, and though I appreciate the effort it was a disaster. I suppose it began with the noise and the crowd, only they got to me after I danced with EBF's friend and felt what I think was his penis on my thigh. I freaked out, initially, because I've only had two penises that close to my thigh, EBF's friend's and D's, and something about that felt beyond wrong. It's like when, back in Kung Fu lessons, the teacher grabbed my shoulders and it felt sacrilegeous, because D had held me by my shoulders before he kissed me on my 15th birthday party. If it makes any sense to put it that way, it's like it's sacrilegeous for anyone to be in a sacred place, other than the saint/god/godess/priest/priestess intended to be there. This initial freaking out made me notice the music and the crowd even more, and get upset by it. I couldn't hear myself think, and texting EBF to ask him to get us out was pointless because he was busy with some girl. I don't mind him being with girls, or the fact that he often thinks with his smaller head, it upset me then that he refused to notice I was desperate to leave when his cousin and his cousin's friend were already worried about me. Time did the rest, I broke down completely, held back tears all the way home and cried like an idiot for no good reason when I got home. I just needed to cry, I don't think I realised what had upset me so then, only what made me start noticing how upset I was. This paragraph here is all I've got so far on the why. I apologised to EBF for breaking down like that, because breaking down at all in public is just embarrassing and he shouldn't have had to see me like that. He apologised for letting things escalate like that, but it made no difference then that he apologised. I highly doubt he meant it, and it was too little too late anyway. I spend more time with EBF and D in dreams than I do out of them, and I'm starting to think my D-dream-time is more time than I've been with him at all. With the last dream involving D I felt very tempted to tell A about it, seeing how she's in it, but if Cinderella is anything by the likes of good advice I'd better not tell anyone (in particular her) about it if I want it to come true. I shouldn't tell her because it would mess up her part in the dream. I considered I would've told EBF right away, leaving him a message (or several messages), and now that I can't I just write things down and tell them to a future form of myself that reads over what I've written. It sucks. What I loved the most about the last D dream is that he kissed me, and not the other way round. He didn't kiss me (with such initiative) since we were together for the first time, in a time when I'd had reason to believe he at least cared about me. Though not today, I was thinking of the comfort in knowing I'm settling if I ever settle for anyone other than him. Knowing this settlement would be at best second best would help me expect no more out of it and settle for less than happiness. I'd be a good enough girlfriend, I think. I wouldn't cheat, and I could do very sweet things even without meaning them. I did think today of how the way I manage my feelings sounds a lot like the way people handle money according to CRACKED.com: once you've spent some money on an item, you'd rather waste more money on it than spend money on a new item with the same function; you hate letting go of things you've bought; you suck at figuring out odds and think that little things done now can work wonders for you in a bright, made-up future. I might add here, based on experience, that I expect a lot more out of my money than what it's actually worth. Just swap "money" for "feelings". ### Gippal Yuna, Rikku and Paine were someplace snowy, and Yuna called dead people for help, she summoned them and they cured YRP. Every so often, Lulu's voice reminded her that she wouldn't be able to summon people who weren't in the Farplane. She called Gippal, and nothing happened for a while, but then in the distance he could be seen, staggering. After a while, he wasn't a 3D figure any longer, he was just a cartoon of a boy with one blue and one red eye, silver hair, a triangular sword, and carrying a huge black cross on his back. ### On sickness It's not a new idea, sometimes I wish I was sick, very sick. When I don't mind being more pathetic, I even wish being sick could somehow make me better, like a brain injury that could somehow, once fixed, make me smarter. It would be somehow comforting to know there's something the matter with me which can be fixed to turn myself into a me I agree more often with. Imagine I had some kind of brain tumor, or water in my brain which somehow impairs (though not completely) my ability to think. Once removed, I wouldn't go on feeling so incredibly stupid, and I could blame my stupidity up to that point on the tumor. I would get some attention, and possibly even apologies. I don't dare ask for any, so it'd be nice to be given some without asking for it. I often like to think D would try to come to me at the last minute, and at least say he's sorry. If I could somehow blame my illness on someone with money (say, Coca-Cola, or some other big industry) I could get some money out of it, that'd be nice. Even if I didn't get to use it and I died, it'd be nice to know I didn't die owing my parents a couple of lifetimes. I think I like the idea of being able to be weak and have good reason not to bother hiding it. In my dream last night, D had to introduce himself. I'm wondering (should any of it have any chances of happening) if he'd actually need that. I didn't quite recognise him, he didn't look quite like D. So I imagined a scenario where I'm sick, some kind of brain injury (seems to be my favourite) which gave me amnesia. It would account for why he'd need to introduce himself again, and if I'm hopeful my saying "you should've just said you're D" and him realising I remembered him making him happy enough to kiss me. Silly fantasies of mine, I suppose. It's my preferred way to waste time lately. ## Wednesday, 20 January 2010 ### I wish I hadn't woken up, not so soon anyway Here's why: D was in it. I was away on some trip with my cousins who had brought some friends along. On the last day, a guy who looked a lot like D but I hadn't dare look at for too long came and sat to me by the pool. For some reason I'd made a point out of being as far out of the water as I could, instead of hiding in it this time. He sat next to me, and started a small conversation about the guy who'd been by bf only to end it by saying, "well, I'm him". I answered with "why not just say, 'hi, I'm D'?" and he kissed me. It couldn't have been more perfect, really. We kissed a couple of times, sometimes he was lying on his back, sometimes I was on mine. He told me how he'd been planning to get together with me again, and everything he'd done to reach me. He'd kept an online journal of what he'd done and it included very annoying hours of standing the youngest of my cousins. A had known about it all along. I believe it was her who told him where I was. At the end of this dream (or at least, as I remember it) I was in the cinema with D and he'd changed his facebook status to "married to me". There was also something about a trip under the sea to see dinosaurs, and one of the most dangerous ones being a small one shaped like a curled up seahorse. Also, there was something about a house full of kids I had to babysit, somewhere in the countryside. They misplaced some markers and they were being thrown away in bins, so I was collecting them. ## Tuesday, 19 January 2010 ### Not used to people I think I'm starting to develop schizophrenia, I messed up my schedule and now I have class on Friday, which I thought I didn't: no biggie. But also, I feel that people are looking at me all the time. The fact that my new analysis professor has a very rasputinesque look (I'll give him 6.7 rasputins, my new unit to measure how penetrating a stare is) and looked at me more often than I'd like (which is to say, he looked at me, period.) Then there's FlowerGuy... I find myself coming up with ways to avoid him, I walked past him into the classroom we had class in, and then hid in a seat in the far back, hoping he wouldn't come near me but nooo... he had to sit next to me. No 'hi's exchanged, only goodbyes when he left, as I evidently couldn't even get up until he left. I've been thinking of writing R1 an apology letter. I've probably written a thing or two down here already, but I want to write a real letter. Having the guts to hand it in, with him having a girlfriend and all, would be a whole different matter. As a random thought, it occurred to me today that I'm feisty but easily intimidated. It occurs to me now, no I'm not feisty. I wish I was, at least feisti-er. I'd have the nerve to confront FlowerGuy and talk him off, or at least try to talk to 2, even if it were only 'hi' basis. I'd tell EBF off, tell him not to bother remembering my birthday and not asking where to come to whatever I'll be doing (which will probably be nothing, actually, unless I go out with A for dinner and ice cream or a film). On a side note, I sort of facebook-stalked his gf, which really just accounts to having browsed over her pictures out of boredom. I stand by what I told him: she looks empty. I'm certain of it because she didn't look this empty a couple of years ago in older pictures. I'll give her one thing: she sure knows how to enjoy herself, she looks genuinely happy when she's happy. Right...also, I noticed today that without his glasses on, 2 looks like a frog. I've taken to comparing people to animals again today. Among a couple of thoughts on him I had today, based on his new facebook profile picture (facebook is truly venom, should anyone come to read this), I decided he must have broken up with his gf and he's mocking her, trying to put up an "I never gave a fuck about you" image. He used to read when he was in school, gave up the habit lately. ### Bread I had a dream about baking bread last night. Just in case it ever matters. I baked one, and it cooked incredibly fast. It ran out very soon, so I said I should bake another one. Also, there was a BBQ in the building N1 used to live in, only the pool area was a little different. I carried matches to a guy who was trying to light a fire. ## Sunday, 17 January 2010 ### French fries I was in Ctg with Jdt, who was talking to D on the phone. She said she was going over to his place, to help him out and cook something for some girls who were there. She told him to buy some sausages and said she'd make some French fries. Come the time, I ended up there, making the French fries (though she started making them), and I remember opening a cupboard looking for flour to make them more crunchy. I found it, though it had pieces of old French fries and dough. I only managed to put flour on the fries, I didn't get around to fry them. Jdt asked D if he'd picked a girl yet, if he liked any of them, and he said something about not being able to like any of them and having trouble with his parents. Can't remember what he said, but the general idea made me think he was a very thoughtful, troubled person. There was man in the pool of the Hilton hotel in Ctg, and he ordered a lemonade. There was a new programme to serve the drinks and you got to chooose between men or women's sugar. I think the man accidentally picked women's sugar. I also remember floating on water, looking up at nothing. Sue Sylvester (from "glee") asked me to raise a flag in front of university (though it didn't look like the one I go to) and play some music. I did so, after I got permission from a guard. I can't remember the song, but it was catchy and the lyrics were liberating. They promoted freedom (and possibly sex, which accounts for what happened next). People gathered around me from all over campus, and after a while we were all punished for some thing or other. I talked to a girl in a dress about how unlikely it was for Sue to actually be that evil, so I went to talk to her in her office. It looked like it was in my school in Ctg, brick walls and plans shown behind a window, clearly there was air conditioning and oddly the office hadn't been cleaned in a while, so whtere were spiderwebs and dust. I vacuumed it, while I waited for her to get off the phone so I could complain to her about how evil her idea was. She didn't mind, even when I told her about talking with the other girl, saying she couldn't possibly be that evil. Also in my school in Ctg, I passed by a classroom where people were complaining about th fact that there was a glee club but the club that sang in German never got around to travel and go to competitions. It might've been that they actually weren't talented enough, maybe the school was biased and didn't want to send them abroad. People from the class that graduated a year before mine were in the group. There was a kids' birthday party here, everyone running around. While we ate breakfast, a neighbour walked in asking to talk to my dad and offering to buy us dinner. I don't think he'd figured out how expensive it would turn out to be for him, but he wanted something out of it, so he made the offer on a whim. Emma from "glee" had taken some student under her wing. She took a shine to him, and even got to the point of cleaning him up and blowing his nose (wearing gloves, of course). He became abusive, and wanted to go with her on a trip to Japan, which she refused to do (as his expenses would come out of her pocket). She was telling fellow teachers how annoyed she was, and how outrageous it was for him to want to go on the trip with her. Also, a bald girl was in llove with Will. Talking to Ant and J here. Wearing a mini skirt and tights around EBF. Not on purpose... I was around him (not really talking to him or anything, just within sight) when some girl pointed out what I was wearing. It was strange, I felt so odd in those clothes... They didn't look that good, either. Checking out building foundations in Ctg, near the building D used to live in (and around the beach I was walking by in entry #1 here) there were two buildings under construction. Will (or some other teacher, not necessarily from TV) had his sight set on one of them, depending on some chemical outlet that had been left behind. ## Saturday, 16 January 2010 ### Current idols Can't seem to think of any females, so here goes: - Matthew Gray Gubler - Mika - Chris Colfer Basically, I think I just love them for being weird... but MGG is very random, as is Mika, only in different made up worlds. Mika, though, has a very charming smile. MGG has a very sexy almost-whisper way of talking. Chris Colfer I just discovered in "glee" as the gayest character I've ever seen. He makes me want to hug him, and have a gay friend. I even daresay I'm starting to develop a tiny crush for him, if it makes any sense for a straight woman to have a tiny crush on an openly gay man. ### I'm going mad I must be. I was at my aunt's shop, with her and my sister, when a friend of my aunts stopped by to chitchat about her husband's cancer. Two guys passed by, both in shorts and a white t-shirt, sweaty from exercise. One of them was fat, he stared a bit inside, when I noticed him I saw the other guy who looked a lot like D, only with glasses. My heart was pounding, and it made me want to pee for about an hour, even though I hadn't had a lot to drink. I realised later it might have actually been him, as he lives (or lived, as I remember) about 20 blocks up the mountain from where my aunt's shop is. I later took my aunt and my sister for dinner, my treat. I think I saw someone (else?) who looked like D in the queue there. I was hoping we'd be able to leave sooner so I could take a better look, but I lost sight of him. Of course, I didn't wear my glasses and I slept a total of about an hour in the last 48 or so hours, so this is all very hazy in my mind. It worries me, though, that I think of D so much I'm starting to see him everywhere even when I can't actually see. ## Thursday, 14 January 2010 ### Yay or nay on the ix-nay I was a tree, I think, at least for a while. I'd been with D, and just broken up with him, I was with EBF when D came by and said something about feeling bad because the tree (or I) had grown these odd horns. The tree was hollowed out in some places, where lots of pink floweres emergedd, and I'd raised it somewhat above the ground to show D its roots, because there must have been some damage there I wanted him to see. I was hopeful that he was regretful. And I was also (apparently for him) been a part of a revolutionary meeting. I thought of it, but I didn't tell him. I was in a caravan of horses, following a woman who was about to die, Boromir was there (he rode like an elf, without sleeping), Brego was somewhere around there too, and a woman who seemed like a combination of Éowyn, Galadriel and Arwen was there too. She was an elf, looking forward to losing her immortality, and she'd lose it the moment the woman who was about to die died. There was somnething about following someone she loved and admired and seeing them die that did the trick. They made me look for a painted door, a black door, around the city wall in Ctg, and eventually someone found it, so they called me to join them. It was a russian reunion, it smelled terrible, because they were all stuck too close together in a small room, musicians playing music, people drinking and eating. At some point, policemen came in and I put my head on the shoulder of the man next to me, to hide him. It seems to me now that it didn't so much hide him as show someone cared about him. Later, I was on a bus, driving by a sea of rocks, where I could see Celia Cruz, with HUGE red hair, walking across this "sea", and falling. The bus driver as well as a man on a motorcycle who was nearby decided to escort her. I also remember being in a small apartment downtown with my parents. I think they'd bought it for me, and I found tiny flaws in it, which upset them. I told them about an apartment with a small room by the chimney to store a motorcycle in. I ended up leaving with some gay man to wait in a line to get my citizenship card. Women kept cutting in line, and we called them out. I was also at a Dunkin' Donuts, waiting for A, ordering a chocolate coated corbatín with ice cream. When I reached for my money though (and A showed up) I didn't have my wallet, I only had$14,000. A's brother had my money, and he'd left someplace else some time ago, so A offered to pay for my food while I got my wallet back. I said I had enough money, but she told me to save it for later in case I actually needed it.

There was also this class in university... a woman taught it (though I don't think I'll have any women teaching me anything this semester) and offered us to choose which days we'd be in class. She took off two bras, which I then carried around along with two of my own. Someone mentioned it was weird I should be carrying so many brassiers.

I discusseed "Before Sunset" with EBF, asked him if he'd seen the film, and said the second film (the best one) was the one where Julie Delpy spoke French very often. He said he'd seen one and that it wasn't a good film. I then became the camera, following Julie and Ethan around, speaking French and sitting down at a café.

## Wednesday, 13 January 2010

### A town, maybe?

All I remember is being in the US, or maybe even here, talking to EBF, and running into N1, who would be an iconic figure among christians, helping some cause or other. We had to tell some boss of sorts to pick N1 because she was so perfect for the job, and we even had to convince her that she was good for it. I took a cab with her and we drove around a little warm weathered town, following directions to whatever place she was staying in.

On another note, I'd been hired to do a girl's hair with AVON products, provided by my aunt. I remember washing her hair and then waiting around with some hair cream in the form of lip balm to blow her hair dry. Sometime before I managed to find her, I was warned that some burglars would try to steal into the house, and at the time they did my uncle came by with my cousins, carrying big pans. I took some and started hitting the burglars with them. One of them said he was only stealing stuff to get himself through school/college, but I answered we were studying too and it was absolutely unfair that he should use that excuse.

## Tuesday, 12 January 2010

### Too much ffx2

Chappu looks and talks a bit like AOB, Yaibal is a lot like J2, and Lenne looks a lot like EBF's gf. There.

### A library, a show-and-tell, and a jacuzzi

That's all I remember, more or less in that order. I had to work in a library like the one I worked in when I was in school, only I got there with other people I knew, or was supposed to know. D and some of his friends were there, I found myself trying to impress the girl I know of as his last gf. I tried dividing people into tasks, though I'm afraid no one was listening, and I was in charge of putting back into their place literature books. Oddly, however, they were stacked into holes in the ceiling and I had to climb on a little cart to put them back. It only strikes me as strange that the books never fell off. I remember chatting with A, asking about a daycare in the library, someone else asked me to do it.

I also remember being at a show-and-tell in a classroom that had been divided into two. I was with some people from my last school, and I had to tell them (in English or in Spanish) about my little one. The teacher ( female ) with us kept asking questions, as whether or not I should talk in English, and if they'd understand, as well as whether or not the group immediately after mine would get a chance to do their presentation. In the end there was no time for them, and the other teacher ( male ) was mad at this lack of organization, but the first teacher explained it was her fault and it seemed ok enough.

I talked to Di, from my old school, and she said something about having gone to Europe to learn how to cook... I remember being around the bridge near the airport in Ctg as she told me this.

The jacuzzi image is all I have left of whatever that dream was, I was in a rather large, rectangular jacuzzi. I was on one end and only another person was in it, in the other end, though I can't remember who.

## Monday, 11 January 2010

### Ollivander's

I remembered yesterday a dream I had once, about bing in my school in Ctg and by Ollivander's shop. It was a modern version of the shop, white walls and shelves, and I remember trying to find a wand for myself, based on what they looked like (rather than which one was right foor me). I wanted a clear and blue one, with sparkles, but I don't think we were a very good match. I lost it, and later I couldn't find the place again to find a new one.

## Sunday, 10 January 2010

### Hellboy is a terrible film

I just wasn't sleepy, so I watched it last night (actually, early this morning around 4am). The story is ridiculous:

1) It makes absolutely no sense that the narrator should be Hellboy's bodyguard/babysitter, if anything Hellboy himself or Liz should be the ones to tell the story.

2) Where the hell did Abe come from? Isn't he a demon of sorts like Hellboy? Where do his superpowers and abilities come from then?

3) The actor playing Rasputin could have been chosen more wisely, he's nowhere near as scary looking as the Rasputin's photos (leave alone as Rasputin himself). The whole "sort-of-turning-the-blonde-woman-into-a-vampire idea" is also terrible.

4) The film makes it look as though monster-hunting is just the thing Hellboy and Abe do, and they usually find a way to kill the monster right away. Which makes it incredibly stupid for the film to waste most of the time chasing Samael, a crappy might-as-well-be-a-Power-Ranger-monster. Not to mention the final monster, the huge whatchamacallit, is beaten with a boring bomb-belt.

5) Costumes are terrible.

6) Liz's clothes should burn, as well as her hair, when she causes fires.

7) Hellboy is immune to fire, not explosions.

8) There's absolutely NO reason why Liz should be in love with Hellboy (though his stalking/overprotective/tough-but-sweet attitude make him adorable enough), and suggesting she'd be in love with his babysitter makes no sense (nor does it make any sense that the babysitter in question should try so hard to bring Liz back).

9) Why on earth was Hellboy's babysitter handpicked from many others? This is never explained, and unless it should be explicit that he's somehow the reincarnation of Lancelot (who ended up backstabbing Arthur by running away with Guinivere, anyway).

10) Why waste time and money on making Kröneker so scary if he wears a mask 98% of the time? Cutting out your eyelids and lips to look as scary as he looked is pointless if you don't show any of it.

I'd write a CRACKED.com article, but I don't think I have what it takes, I lack the right kind of humour.

### Random thoughts and silly fantasy

Can't seem to remember what I dreamed last night... I do remember fantasising about finding some hidden treasure. If CRACKED.com is to be believed (and even if it isn't, the idea sounds plausible) there's plenty left over from what people once threw away.

It occurred to me it would be nice to find myself some treasure, and great if that treasure just so happened to be magical in any sense. So I deviced the idea of finding metallic figures (initially coins) I could place on my body that would somehow melt into it and set into place. When I gave up the coin idea, it looked like a very original tattoo, in my mind. Each piece is to grant a different power. One to let me look the way I want to look (later, the idea evolved to looking like anything I want to look like, rather than turn into whatever I want to turn into); one to grant me immortality, and another one for eternal youth; one for wisdom, one for knowledge, one for power. It seems to me now that it was wisdom, power, and something else, though I can't remember what.

I'd play goddess, and kill at will whomever deserved killing, helping those who deserve to be helped. At least on a national level. For a greater level, I thought I'd leave EBF the power piece, along with a note telling him to use it wisely, rather than smartly. I wouldn't mind being alone (as would be implied by such super powers). I'd like to know I'd be beautiful enough to be with any man I wanted to, should I wish it, and worthy of EBF's friendship. Just knowing the possibilities would be open could make me happy. I'd leave everything and everyone behind to serve whatever purposes I want, stopping to rest every so often without ever being recognised.

Then on playing goddess, I started thinking of Halloween and costumes. People usually think it's cute for people to act like whatever they're dressed up as, whatever they may actually be. If a man dresses as a woman, he's expected to behave like one. A woman in trashy clothes is expected to be trashy. A child in a ghost's costume who screams "boo!" at people is seen as something cute. If I got my hands on what used to be the clothes of a goddess, well, I'd get to act like she would. It would only be fitting. You don't get to have such powers and not use them, unless you're a hobbit (only burrahobbits use their powers, and only powers of cunning at that).

Ah, yes... I meant to write down a thing or two about La Roux. I saw her yesterday on Abbey Road, her music is terrible. However, as she talked about writing a song in two pieces (half before going to meet someone, half after the event) I just thought she must be a hard person to love. I don't know her, I don't mean to say that I do. The idea just came to me as I listened to her. It seemed to me too that she's a lesbian, or likes women for the most part and very few men. Not that it matters, I just think she is, even though I know nothing about her.

## Friday, 8 January 2010

### The sea

In no particular order: I was in the islands with people from my school in Ctg... We went around on the motorboat all the way to a huge spiraling area of water, and ML (from school) suggested I go with her and another boat and try to cross it (just for the fun of it, apparently). I chickened out, saying the sea was too spiky already, and we may not have enough time to make the crossing or switch of engines if we couldn't. I also remember being by the beachside, with A's family and even her dog. I ate buñuelos with spìcy buttercream, and there were arepa 'e huevos and empanadas. On another note, I was in some other school, in a classroom somehow built into/onto a sea-pool. I kept diving, looking for stuff, I think for the little mermaid who was somewhere performing a show. The stuff I kept founding was Guado, I found lots of pencils and kept bringing the uglier-looking ones to surface. I think I felt bad, using up the good ones... At some point, when I was near the surface, a guy near me asked if I had batteries, by any chance, I said I didn't. R2, from university, ended up having just the kind he needed. Odd, huh? Before I forget it, I was also Link, from ZOoT, in the Zora tunic and Sheik taught me a new melody. It was dark, and sombre, and led to an underworld where I jumped through holes and held on to ladders. I had a hard time learning it, even with the help.

## Thursday, 7 January 2010

### Gretchen, a mall, a little girl

I was at EBF's place, his cousin's mum was there. She seemed alright, though the accident made her slightly rude. Someone mentioned how EBF had gone out with a German girl named Gretchen, who was very hot. It had happened some time ago. When I asked him, EBF said he'd broken up with N2 before he went out with Gretchen. He was giving too much, she was giving too little, he grew sick of it. The point being, he didn't tell me until much later.

I remember also wearing a golden flowing dress. I might've been a model, because it looked great on me. Elton John was singing at some party for a hotel/club, and I was to be the star on the dance floor. I arrived early, and there were only two or three other women at the party, so I went to the bathroom to check on my makeup but I noticed my eyes were all puffy (which indicates a bare minimum of awareness, as I did cry last night). Don't know what happened afterwards.

A and I were in a mall, checking out the stores. Nothing much of interest, and it might be related to us going out on Tuesday to buy our birthday presents. I also vaguely recall scenes in classrooms, as if we were taking an exam.

Sitting on a toilet next to a guy, little girl having to go to the bathroom and poop 3 times, guy helped her out when I looked at him. No more to that anymore, I seem to have forgotten.

### Have I said it yet?

I've written it, to myself here, and I've thought the words, but I haven't said them out loud, so I'm writing them out loud, if possible: fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

You wouldn't, shouldn't, needn't, won't, don't. Of course. I just care too much. So, you're a legend. There's no actual evidence of us having been friends, other than the files containing our saved conversations from years ago, and that's hardly real. A knows, A tries to be a good friend, A was mad that I replaced her with you, and is only too right about too many things. I'm wrong to have somehow removed the 'best' from her 'friend' title. I just don't treat her as I would my very best friend, even though I treat her better than I do any other friends and that is supposed to make her the best. I once knew a better friend. So surreal now, I even had to make a list of all the things that could still be near me that could be considered actual evidence of the fact that I know him. I don't, by the way. He outgrew me, and I don't know if there's an official record of that yet.

I just realised, too, that what started out as 'you' is now 'he'. If anything, that's proof of how distant we are now. I can't believe it still makes me cry, I'm such an idiot. What's worse, as we fall apart, I feel even more and more like those cheap, cheesy girls I once went to school with and who're now my facebook friends. They weren't so bad when we were in school, it's just that they're poor. Things got fucked up along the way, and now they post pictures of themselves half naked in disgusting clothes, places and positions.

I'm here, thinking of getting a job as a waitress ASAP, that it may pay for whatever needs paying: initially my studies, but I'm starting to see that's not going to happen, I'm never going to graduate, I'll just slowly drift away from every good future and become a poor Plaine Jaine. I'm such a snob, I'm hating it already. I'm ashamed of it. Facebook-stalking conversations about clubs only makes it worse. The decadence... Seeing it in my dad makes it worse. Seeing my mum trapped by it makes it worse. Hearing my sister speak of holding off her studies makes it worse. Having to borrow cars and vacuum cleaners make it worse. Whispering D's name out loud as a sign of desperation... that's probably the lowest point.

Fuck. All this over leaving without saying 'good-bye'. He stopped bothering with such formalities around the time the conversations epidemic began. I always said something, at least when I started the conversations. Often even if I hadn't. I was hoping he'd leave before I did, so it was on him if either left without sayig 'good-bye'. It was me, though. I made the decision to stick to my "not-showing-I-care" policy, so I left. And fuck it hurt...

Partly because he won't care. Partly because my heart raced when he sent the message. Partly because I was determined not to see the window open and only added him back to my contacts list to send the song he asked for. Partly because I'm thinking the best chance at a 'decent' conversation will come when he breaks up with his girlfriend, and that's sick thinking. I'm not jealous, that's not it... It's just that it's the only bit of news I'd hope to receive as soon after the fact as possible. Even then, he'd probably wait a while after that and then casually drop it into the conversation. Partly because he only said 'hi' to ask something of me. Partly because he answered with less than a line when I wrote 4 lines at a time. Partly because he didn't seem to even read through what I wrote. Partly because he didn't answer simple questions. Partly because he's leaving, and he just dropped the fact casually into conversation, making his year an interesting one and mine an even more pathetic one. Partly because it makes no fucking difference if he stays or leaves to fucking China. We won't be talking to each other. Partly because I want to talk to him so, and hate the fact that he talked to me. Partly because I almost typed 'fuck you' and sent the message. Partly because... I just don't know anymore.

## Monday, 4 January 2010

### D, a pool, and badly hurt animals

I was in a pool with D, the friend of his that goes by Pee Wee, and some girl they were both planning on having D sleep with. At some point, though, she made/took a call on her mobile and it was evident she already had a boyfriend, which infuriated D, especially. He locked us both in the pool area, and I somehow (through some minor acrobatics involving D's bag, hung from a tree) got her out. Before this (?) I made dinner for my parents, but then D's friend showed up to eat too, and I believe D was on his way too. Don't know what happened there, but that's all I remember.

As for the hurt animals, I was in my school in Ctg, in the area in front of the library, which somehow became neighbourhood-ey, with a couple of houses around. I was with my parents. Some houses we could go into, no problem, and there were some men in uniform going in with us, helping out the animals. One house in particular, though, had wild cats which even the men in uniform were avoiding. I tried again, nonetheless, and in spite of the fact that one of the cats (or perhaps two of them) lunged at me and tried to scratch me, I ended up talking to them. One of the cats was badly hurt, and a doctor dog was coming to help it. The doctor dog was a pink poodle with two of its paws sawed off. It looked VERY painful, but he seemed ok with it. I don't remember the dog helping the cat, but I do remember him helping another dog, which also was missing one or two of his paws. The second dog had a pad on one of his "good" paws, to mark his territory as it walked. I might have been planning to take some animal home, but I don't know what happened. I ended up leaving with my mum, who stopped at a corner where some children's songs were being advertised as if they were part of some school project. I seem to remember it was the song about the vowels going out, as I couldn't properly translate the lyrics to English (and I remember trying).

### Some (more?) ranting

Can you "quit" being someone's friend? Even if it's been a damn long time since you felt ok calling yourself this person's friend? If so, I quit being EBF's friend, even if the fact that I call him EBF makes that statement pointless. I suppose it's my way of saying I wouldn't like to be subject to the humiliation implied by being fired as his friend (which I think I actually have) but as it hasn't been said explicitly, I'll just assume I'm like a clerk that goes to work and does nothing, ignored by all in the office, until it's someday just useless to go on showing up for work. It only just occurs to me that somehow places him in a superior position, saying he could fire me... doesn't matter much, though, does it?

What I really mean by all this is: even though I know he won't bother trying to find me again, even though I know he won't try to talk to me (at least not seriously, though I'm quite confident even small talk is out of the picture), I intend not to be around in case he does. I will not answer. I will make sure not to show I care. If he were to call, I'd make sure not to answer. If he writes, I'll wait until my status becomes (Idle) and then leave. If he runs into me in university, I'll pretend I have someplace to be in, I'm quite sure he won't find me where I usually hang out. All this knowing it's highly unlikely any of those actually happen. My determination is about as stupid in this situation as it is, thinking of what I'd say to D if he were ever to speak with me and make any kind of proposal. He won't, it makes no difference to have a couple of words ready. In this case, I intend to have no friendly words ready and I get to plan on what I'd say precisely because there's nothing to say and nothing is being said. I'd say I hate him, but I only hate the situation I find myself in.

[edit: I didn't, just for the record. I answered, the conversation died, as usual. To think I've written about not doing anything so many times and I can't get around to not doing anything. I'll make sure not to, next time. It will be months before a next time, unless he calls for my birthday, and I'll be sure not to answer, I'll be idle this time. For real.]

## Saturday, 2 January 2010

### On "Love Actually"

You know how the film's all about love, and how it's so obvious in airports? I've seen it many times now, but it only strikes me now as I see it (well really some hours ago, this is the second time I watch it today, but I was too lazy then to write this down), I've remembered I was there when EBF arrived from Boston. I was there at the airport, I wished for changes in weather when his flight was delayed because of all the snow. I was so glad to see him when he got here. It all seems very foolish now.

As for last night, I had a dream that I was in school, in social studies class, and we were assigned by groups a project where we had to do a puzzle with a map of the country. My group was late, and I remember A giving me back an empty glue stick, as well as a nother group's presentation featuring odd symbols and asking for proof of the law of cancellation. I thought of raising my hand, but I didn't.

## Friday, 1 January 2010

### It's a lousy way to start the year...

But I'm starting this year one friend short (officially), and I'd just like to say that if he were to try what Heraclitus did, standing in a pool of shit he'd sink because he's so full of it. But it seems to spill a lot, for I've taken more shit than I'm used to, coming from him, so I can only wish him to go eat some more.