## Tuesday, 29 December 2009

### Again

Again I dreamed of master Q, this time I walked to him to say hi. He was standing someplace where it was sandy, and his hair was slightly longer than usual. He seemed uncomfortable and tried to ignore me when he first noticed me. I walked to him anyway and said "what's up, master?". I think I might have been hitting on him. It was overall weird.

## Monday, 28 December 2009

There was a train by the beach, and bus rides. As for the train by the beach, Einstein was around. I could travel in time to just before he was discovered, and wait for him at a house on a cliff. As for the bus rides, one took off from Ctg to Bqll, as it might if I were going to my old school. I noticed a large reptile along the way, and as I noticed what seemed to be its tail and a ridge on its back, it suddenly sprung to life, revealing it was MUCH larger than I'd thought. Its head was at least 4m wide and about 7m long, it had a horn on its head pointing forwards, and rather than any reptile it was actually a dinosaur. Ancient creatures sprung to life all over from the ground. I recall ancient lions springing back to life in Africa, they were all dangerous and had to be avoided. Also, there were these crypts I could go into... We had to go in in pairs, with some secret code we could get ghosts to cook for us and even clean up, but if we danced around a ghost holding a necklace we could get it to give it us something else. A second ghost gave us a watch. We could also pick up old tapestries... I insisted these be returned to a museum, as foreigners could steal them.

Oh yes... and at some point I met with Q, and I remember calling him "master" and showing him (or someone else, perhaps) my oddly tanned arms.

## Sunday, 27 December 2009

### Oh man... I really do need a man...

I was walking my dog a couple of hours ago, and it's quite "wild" around here, which is nice. There are fruit trees, and when it rains (it rained earlier) it smells outdoorsey, fresh. Much like it did in the last house I lived in, back in Ctg. I also walked my dog around a small path with trees, grass, and even tiny frogs when it rained. D took me there on my 15th birthday party to make out. Oh man.... I had tiny frogs jumping on my feet, and I couldn't care less about frogs at the time. I want to have that again. Lately, for no apparent reason (other than the holidays), I've been picturing what it would be like if I had a boyfriend right now, at family reunions and even when I'm bored at home. I can't help but wish I had a boyfriend to make out with when I'm out walking my dog. I've somehow attached the idea of making out with the rained upon outdoors near the place I live in. How very inconvenient...

### Tomatoes are dangerous

The memory of the dream is fading, even now, but if there's anything to remember from it it's that tomatoes are dangerous, even to sharks. I was in school in Ctg, and I was running late for class because I stayed behind talking to a guy who's studying maths, trying to solve problems and discussing riddles and something for MENSA (only it was called something else in the dream). When I got to the classroom, they were watching a video about Seville, and M1 was outside the classroom too. When we got in the teacher didn't seem to mind the fact that I was very distracted and lost all notion of time. I was on the spotlight, as I said this, but the teacher didn't seem to mind much and let me take a seat in class anyway. I sat near the front, next to A, who was next to N1.

Later, we were in an old house, where we were confronted against a shark, and M1, who was a tomato, helped us out by stealing from the shark, or taking things from it. I remember lots of keys in chains, and we were meant to open certain cabinets with them, to retrieve even more keys that were important for something else. M1 was dangerous to the shark for some reason or other... I also remember a girl from school (though I didn't know her) dancing (quite ridiculously, I might add) some traditional dance with some guy. I remember HUGE flounders they almost stepped on a couple of times. The setting for their dance was tropical, as of some hotel.

## Saturday, 26 December 2009

### A wheel chair and red hair

I was still getting better from somethin that had hurt my legs so badly I'd needed to be on a wheelchair. I believe I was with people who are supposed to go to the same university as me, discussing a project or something like that. N1 carried me around on the wheelchair, and at some point we came to the transmilenio nearby, where there was a protest. I called on them because there were no handicapped spots, and it was hard to move around, even if I almost could have walked on my own two feet.

On another note, I remember being in the hair salon, I remember having highlights and the hair dresser dying them red, along with the rest of my hair. I was with a girl I used to go to school with, MCm, and I had volunteered to pay for part of whatever she got done, but I asked her to pay $100,000 in advance. I also remember writing a letter to someone where I asked about one of those glue-on tattoos, which ended up glued to my belly. It was a huge one of a troll. ## Sunday, 20 December 2009 ### xkcd-worthy note Mathematically, there can be no sweeter thing than to say "you're the one". It made a lot more sense less than 5min ago, when I could actually remember the whole sentence I wanted to type, and a few others. ### I don't really have time to spare or waste, but I have a thing or two I'd like to write I... *sigh*... Fuck EBF, you know? He'd enjoy it, he has a girlfriend who can help with that. I can't believe I bothered to stay up almost until midnight to leave him (what I'd like to believe was) a very original birthday greeting. I didn't want to say anything at all, knowing I'd feel better if I talked to a wall than waiting for him to do so much as say "thank you". I thought I'd make some sort of statement by not saying anything, but I suppose something about him not caring if I did that made me feel needy enough to say something anyway. I went for not congratulating him for his birthday, not exactly: I sent him a facebook message with a link to a YouTube video showing the unbirthday song from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland * 364. For every day after his birthday on his 20th year alive, you see. It figures he's got enough friends to wish him a happy birthday, so I thought it was a nice way to congratulate him for not having made it through another spin around the Sun. Not even a "thank you for remembering". Of course he never said anything about leaving Bta for the holidays, seeing as he's said nothing at all in the last 2 months or so. I find myself facebook-stalking him, which is how I found out he's not even here. I don't doubt he would've said nothing if he were here anyway. If there was anything by the likes of a celebration (or if there is in some future) I'm pretty sure I won't be invited, or even told about it. I can't help but be offended by the idea. I know I don't get along with his friends, I know I try too hard to be a good friend, I know I wouldn't actually enjoy myself if I went to such an event. It just sucks to know I care more than he does, which would be caring at all, and caring too much at that. I, of course, won't be bothered with finding an appropriate gift, or any gift at all for that matter. Fuck that too, you know? It still makes me furious to remember how he forgot to do so much as meet me as arranged so I could give him his last birthday present. I won't be going through any trouble, I won't be bothered, even if I consider it, even if I'd like to, if I feel obliged by my odd sense of what little honour I have left. I don't exactly have money to spare, either, but I'd try very hard if it were anywhere near worth it, which it evidently isn't. Fuck him, fuck the present, fuck my willingness to give him one and the fact that I'm sorry I can't and won't. Come my birthday... well... I evidently won't be fucked by anyone (which is probably a bad thing), and I can only hope to make it to some place or other with A and whomever else volunteers to come along. I'm calling no one, I'm texting no one, I'm inviting no one, I'm not cooking for anyone. I'll thank congratulators as seems appropriate and go on living as if it were any other day. If only my birthday were any further (or farther?) away I'd have more time to be sure I'll be ok if he doesn't say anything. Maybe it wouldn't make any difference, but I know even now that come my birthday I'll be anxiously waiting for so much as a message or a call, and I know I'll be as disappointed if I get one as I will if I don't. That was on the 18th and I'm still not over it. I'll cry on my birthday, I'm sure of it. I'll cry if I get a chance to watch Love, Actually sometime late at night. I'll cry if I find myself writing this for too long. Fuck, I'm crying already, I'm pathetic. I suppose it was too honest a statement "I love you, kid". I'm not in love with him, I just love him as I don't anyone else, and I can only call that friendly love, seeing as I don't feel attracted to him and wouldn't even dream of being with him. I love him as a friend, as someone I could talk to, as someone who knew me, as someone I once knew, as the one person who broke in and became pleasant to have around. I'm so not over it I've deleted him from my messenger contact list, just so I don't feel anxious seeing him online and not talking to him. I didn't block him, just in case he ever decides to say something. Or in case I someday decide I'll give him the link to this blog, for him to read whatever he will if he's willing to read any of it. I suppose this might serve about the same purpose as those almost illegible suicide notes I wrote every so often when I found myself having too much to say and no one to say it to. It's pathetic, I'm pathetic. He wouldn't even care if I died. He wouldn't exactly have a way to find out. On a side note, I worry for AOB, his last messenger personal message reads "time to say goodbye". Could be anything, but with this depressive wave sweeping through, it would be terrible to find he's been taken by it. I've no way of knowing anything about such a hypothesis, I just hope I'm wrong. I'd feel weird calling him, so I can only wait and see if I find him online someday to chat nonsense. It's nice, talking to him. I don't know if I told him about not talking to EBF, but I'd like to say something, tell him anything, just for the sake of discussing the subject. I seem to remember him asking if things were ok between EBF and me, and I dismissed him with a (lousy) "yes, it's all good". He left it at that, whether because he could sense how lousy my answer was or because he felt he was intruding. I can't actually think of anyone else I could discuss this with. ### ...*Huh*... There's not all that much to be said: I had a dream where I talked to someone (might've been 3, might've been anyone else). I believe he might've only just become my boyfriend in the dream, and he said something along the lines of "So.... you've only loved D, and you've loved him for 5 years now... *Wow*". He seemed to understand and rather be amused by the fact, but it also had a "boy have I got big shoes to fill" ring to it. ## Wednesday, 16 December 2009 ### This should have made it to the last entry. Then again, maybe not I should have mentioned in the last entry that A's dog was grown up already, he'd grown all long and thin. I forgot to, somehow, but I remembered I hadn't in last night's dream, when I told A about having seen her dog all grown up. ## Tuesday, 15 December 2009 ### Not just yet... I was in a hotel room with D, initially... It later turned into someone else, though it might have not been him at all in the first place. He was slightly taller than average, thinner than D, much darker than D, and he had black hair. I believe we were in the hotel room with the only purpose of having sex, we both got naked and he started "getting me ready", if you could call it that. I was prepared for regular sex, and I was actually glad to be getting that over with already. However, he stuffed condensed milk up my butt, "lubing it", which made it clear we were having anal sex. It was ok with me, really. After a while, he left to eat some pizza, apparently waiting for the condensed milk to have some effect on me as far as "getting me ready" went. I got bored, even if I wasn't really ready, so I went to look for him. All I could think of doing (and hence all I did) was hug him. I don't know if we kissed then, but we stayed together, close enough that I could feel his penis throbbing against my crotch. My mum woke me up, so I can't tell what would have happened next. ## Sunday, 13 December 2009 ### Un film d'époque starring Colin Firth We all wore dresses this time, and many people were gathered in the country. A slope run down by a river on one side, trees all over, some marshy spots here and there, and tall grass. I had some girl who played the part of my friend, though I couldn't be sure who she was. I talked to her, and told her about this "vision" (wild guess of wishful thinking) where Colin (who I apparently had a crush on) came back from whatever journey he was on and gave me a flower (? or some other little gift) he'd made a great effort to keep from harm's way. He did arrive, and he was wearing two gowns, one over the other. In between the skirts, safe from harm, were many little gifts, whitish looking as opposed to whatever other colour my gift was, and he gave me mine first, but he started giving them out to all women present, which upset me. He wanted to be with a woman who'd hurt him badly before and was now married (or had just become a widow/separated). She laid a bait and he bit it, the poor thing. He approached her in a little circle, from behind, to give her the present. I don't know if I then approached Colin, or if I was Colin himself at that time, but I was standing behind someone, with my face right next to his/her neck. I miss that kind of intimacy... it wasn't even human contact, just intimacy with someone else. It didn't work out. He then continued to hand out his gifts and it was then obvious he had a crush on my cousin Cl, who brushed him away, being too busy trying to clean some yogurt she'd spilt on the chair she was sitting on. Before all this I was going to have a very important conversation, possibly with Colin, possibly someone else, and I didn't get to pick where (which turned out to be almost all the way up, but all the way to the side, wherever the river was) but I got to tell everyone where not to be. I was very smart about this, and seemed to know that running water could carry the sound of our conversation as well as the fact that if anyone sat immediately above us on the slope they'd hear everything too. I never got to make any use of this, though. ## Saturday, 12 December 2009 ### Ceviche Some guy named Adrian, or Andrei Sepovich, or however you'd be supposed to spell something like that, invented a salmon ceviche. It sounded interesting, but I can't remember any of the things in it, except for the salmon. Also, a very old house at night, at least 2 floors, and grass out front. ## Friday, 11 December 2009 ### Two monologues, actually dialogues, and a black fairy book In groups, we had to tell a story on how to use a product. My story was written in italics, for what it's worth, and I thought it was the best story in my group, though I didn't get to tell it. I had to audition to Michael Kors, reciting monologues (from Cats, I'm almost 100% sure, and actually dialogues) I couldn't remember by heart, when he let me go get the computer to read them I heard a woman say something about a black fairy book... some mexican curse or other. ## Tuesday, 8 December 2009 ### Uber baby I had a dream, sometime this year, where I killed a baby. It was a blond, blue-eyed boy. Quite big, for a baby, perhaps with a slightly larger head than most, definitely very smart. I'd have to check if I have any other records of this dream, but I seem to remember he could either talk or understand a conversation being held by adults around him. He was standing on a table by a wall, and at some point he fell. I think it was my fault because I should have been looking after him, and because I encouraged him to stand up even though he was clearly too young to. His head looked like soap, when it falls, or any soft dough, for that matter. I tried to make things better, and he seemed ok enough, though he didn't say anything (he didn't even cry) and his eyes looked a little blank. He fell again, this time trying to sit still. He just sat there and suddenly fell to the side. This time, when I got him up his gaze was completely empty. That's when I got scared. Terrified, actually, that not only had I killed a baby, I'd killed a brilliant baby. Pretty disturbing dream. (I know most dreams are disturbing, I just think this is a new level of disturbing). ## Saturday, 5 December 2009 ### Ranting was in order Well, I figured I might as well put something in it for EBF to read, so here goes: Fuck this. Fuck you, I don't give a fuck. I'm not through being pathetically sad and depressed, but I'm so mad I just don't care. I want to turn you into a legend, in my mind, no more real than pink elephants drowning in ponds with Narcissus ever were. We'll never talk again like we used to, we're no longer friends, and I'm through being civil. I give up even on that as of this moment. I gave up on us being friends a long time ago, I gave up on most everything but hope. I'm giving that up now, and I'll go on giving it up until there's nothing left to give up. I shouldn't have started the last 30 or so conversations, I shouldn't have bothered with the last 100 or so messages, if this is in any way possible, I take them back. It should be easy enough to pretend I never sent them. Forget I ever asked you to that dinner here. That's a major regret on so many levels... To think my parents don't make enough money as it is, we didn't have enough to buy groceries that week and I still went ahead and did it. I cooked over two days like an idiot for 6-7 people, and only you and L showed up. It was so incredibly pathetic. I don't think we'd met since that time we went to Wok for dinner, but if possible, it was even more disappointing. In wok, I could take ages eating to do something other than be weighed down by the awkward silence that was there even when we talked. That last dinner here was all the more awkward because L1 was here. Not because she was interrupting anything, but because it was embarrassing to have her there to witness the disaster. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I think she noticed. I'm never hosting dinners again. I'm never cooking for you or any of the people I called friends. I had an exam to study for, and I very much ignored that. I cooked, I slaved, I waited, I got nothing. Not even apologies for not showing up, or calls to let me know people weren't coming. Not a chance to reschedule. Only complete disaster. I should be used to it by now, I should be able to cope better with all the shit I get these days. I can't. I'm sorry. It's curing nothing and I find myself hesitating to use that analogy for fear of what it evokes. Your birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks, and I just want to put it off forever. I take back every birthday gift I ever gave you, too. Imagine someone else got them for you, don't return them. The last birthday gift was also, no surprise, a disaster. To think of the trouble I went through to get it, and how you couldn't even remember to meet me so I could give it to you. I didn't even want to hang out, just give it to you. I don't want to call you for your birthday this year, I don't want to text you or send you any message. I know I'll feel obliged to give you some form of gift, and I'd rather ignore all related feelings altogether. Don't call me for my birthday either, on that note. Don't bother. I can't take the hypocrisy again. I can't belive I still resent that, but when we ran into each other the other day, why on earth did you ask where I hang out all day that you don't see me? You didn't intend to see me, meet me, or even talk to me. You knew (or should remember, I do) we never had free time at the same time. You used such ridiculous smalltalk, and pretended you care, just for the sake of saying something. So unlike you, at least the you I knew. Not that it matters much, really. I do understand you've outgrown me. I just wish you'd leave me alone altogether, so I didn't feel so bad, thinking there might be hope hiding there somewhere. You could've just been honest when I first tried fixing things. You could have said something, anything. Or nothing at all ever since. I'm considering leaving behind a polite "happy birthday" message sometime when you're not online, incognito, if I may use the term loosely. I'll make sure to be offline all day that day, and too busy to bother checking for answers I should know not to expect. In case I change my mind and send this whole post as an e-mail, "happy birthday". I don't intend to speak with you, ever again, however childish it may sound, so take your congratulations now, and leave me to being a lonely, stupid, boring nerd. ## Friday, 4 December 2009 ### So many things going on... There's no first things first here, I'll just write things down as I remember them (for as long as I do): I had two boyfriends in a day. Dumped the first, didn't care, and then got together with some guy from Gossip Girl (filthy rich, despicable). We didn't care about one another, but I felt oddly comfortable cuddling with him in the front seat of a car. He got to a hotel by helicopter, before he got in the car I was in, and I remember calling him to see if he was coming already. He didn't pick up, but screamed "I'm already here" in annoyance when he noticed I'd called. Speed dating: I already had someone, but I got into some speed dating thing of sorts anyway. I talked to girls, too, famous, rich girls. I wasn't per se famous or rich, but they seemed to recognise I was worth notice. The guy I was with found himself some other girl, a blonde. I was talking to a "friend" (don't know who she was, blonde, rich, spoiled rotten) who kept calling her mom, asking her to buy new shoes. Expensive shoes... I remember prices along$200 and \$700. I remember asking her why she kept giving her mom the description of the shoes and hoping she'd get the right ones, instead of showing her the actual webpages the shoes were shown in. It didn't matter, apparently. For the first time in my life, I wondered what I'd look like in a pair of those expensive shoes. I felt the appeal of wearing high heels... The shoes I considered wearing were light teal, almost white, sandals with very high heels.

In another dream I was a man, and I ran away from a witch. The story with the witch went something along the lines of: men climbed to her house, and died and got stuck to the mountain of frozen corpses her house stood on along the way. The witch then made them into slaves. I was one such man, only I somehow managed to break free. I hid under some wooden boards, right underneath the house, and waited for my chance to break into the house, where some rubber bands were held from a wall. These rubber bands somehow were tied to me (or the witch?) and I had to get them on the witch (I think....). I succeeded. I had a girlfriend and a family who must have been very sorry for my loss, and I remember telling some other guy who was possibly also dead already to please tell them I was now free, or something like that. I don't know why I sent someone else instead of going myself, but I asked someone else to go talk to my family.

Standing in front of a historical monument I could see old men I pinpointed as historians and asked them something I, as part of a group, was supposed to know. Only no one in the group was to ask the historians, so it was forbidden. I didn't ask them myself, I talked someone else into doing it (A's crush, Mt). I also talked to a guy I used to go to school with, who had a very odd tattoo all over his arm. It wasn't so much a tattoo as an actual mosaic, stuck to his arm. It looked painful, but he explained he was addicted to them, and that he was receiving therapy... Much like fingernails are done about once a week, he re-did this mosaic periodically too. This time in particular he had some carved wooden pieces.

I attended regularly little concerts 4 was in. He coached the other singers. They had a groupie who had a crush on both/either 4 or the other lead singer. I found myself going after class with someone else to keep me company just to watch 4. In the last such concert in the dream, people I went to school with were there too. I remember wondering if 4 had noticed I'd been there almost every time.

EBF was lying on a bed, and I asked him to read a book I'd written (it had been built based on this blog, actually). He said it wasn't bad, but I should check a chapter where a lot of dreams were numbered. I don't think that's what he asked me to check, but dreams were labeled "DRAM 1" or "DREM 1" or something like that. They were missing a letter, and it just made perfect sense those were intended to be dreams. I was somewhat surprised, after he'd begun reading the book, that he hadn't found anything mentioning him, or that he hadn't said anything about those passages.

A threesome! There was a threesome! Or something like it, at any rate. I don't know if it was just me, or me and another girl... maybe I was sometimes the other girl. This woman (whether me or her I don't know) had a boyfriend, and she'd talked him into having a threesome with another man. A diligent man, the boyfriend found a guy who could pull things with his erect penis. I believe he might have been a gigolo, because I seem to remember having him there was expensive. I wasn't ready thoough, and when they tried to enter me it hurt. When I said so, the boyfriend got angry. Eventually, it happened. I almost came. Add this dream to the list of dreams of things I've never experienced.

## Thursday, 3 December 2009

### An empty apartment and a minor mistake

My dad showed me around an empty apartment under construction. It was supposed to be, in some future, my uncle's apartment to live in but also an office. It had very fancy conference rooms. Much of it was covered with (plastic?) curtains. The building, overall, looked old. I may have strayed there from another building that seemed to be a part of campus, only it gave me the feel of a motel. I remember looking for a very specific room. I also remember it was labrynth like and I kept going in circles to see new rooms.

In another dream, D accidentally added me to a messenger conversation where he told some friends of his something very silly I can't remember now... It was just two lines, and it was very unimportant. It just freaked me out in the dream that he was talking to me.

## Wednesday, 2 December 2009

### Good lord....

Dx asked if I'd marry him. What is wrong with people?

For Christ's sake! (it's ok to bring him up if at least Dx believes in him, right?) He said he loves me. I hope he was kidding, but he might have not been kidding.

It's "linaThumbe hates love"! Live! I'm repulsed by the idea! It makes me want to be evil to him, to turn him down, to prove him wrong about the person he thinks he sees in me.

On another note...
I couldn't keep myself from telling EBF about this. I.... yeah, I shouldn't have. I suppose this means my policy isn't "never mind" 100% of the time. After a while he just stopped answering, making small talk... the conversation just died (as it always has, the last 1000 times or so, spread ever more far apart, which means it's been dying too soon for the last year and a half or so). It makes me mad at him, for letting it die, when I've got nice enough gossip. I make myself mad for being so unpleasant to talk to. It makes me mad at him for no longer enjoying conversations with me. It makes me hate myself for caring enough to having started the conversation to begin with. I hate myself for caring, period. I just fucking hate this situation.

I really miss having a good friend to count on for situations like this. I miss being able to talk, just because, about anything. I miss having someone who understands me, who knows me. I miss the feedback. I miss having my thoughts read out aloud to me. I miss the Rue Morgue moments. I miss talking to someone other than myself. When I talk to him I feel insane, because expecting an answer is somehow even stupider than talking to myself. When I talk to myself I answer, I care. Add that to the list: I hate him for not caring as much as I hate myself for caring.

Here's an epiphany: I think I finally know what I want. Truly, seriously want, not just something I think I'd be happy with. I want my best friend back. I want a best friend. To think I felt ridiculous using that title before... I want someone I can call my best friend. I want a relationship that deserves to be called true friendship. I'm starting to wish that what good I've had I'd never had, just so I couldn't miss it so much it kept me from keeping it.

I wish I'd never called D my boyfriend. I don't know if that's what he actually was, but I told myself and allowed myself to believe that's what he was. It's been limiting me and now I just don't want to be with anyone that's not him. Even now, knowing whoever I called my boyfriend is no longer there. Even now, knowing it's just not possible.

I wish I'd never been EBF's best friend. I wish he'd never called me that, and I wish I hadn't grown used to the idea and started calling him my best friend too. I wish we hadn't gotten along so well. I wish we hadn't been able to complete each other's sentences and think the other's thoughts just from glances. I wish I hadn't known so much about him, and let him know so much about me. I wish he hadn't gotten me to care about him, to love him (not "be in love with him", mind you). I wish I could just have regular friends and settle for those instead.

I can't believe I'm so empty I'm wishing for mediocrity to fill the void. I'd rather be full of shit. So pathetic.

### Day dreams - a short note

During a class about Plato I had this vision where it was incredibly obvious that a philosopher was really just a barely cooked egg yolk, breaking open, in a sea of molten egg yolks.

### A very wet dress

It's a bit late to be writing this down, so it's all mostly a blurr but here's all I could gather:

- I was somewhere 200+ years ago, when women still wore long dresses (though not particularly bulky ones). I had one such white dress, and was running along a muddy path, trying to get to a manor. I was dripping wet. Some woman talked to me there. She looked matronly.

- Possibly, though I'm not sure, while I was running, A was close by. For some reason, in the dream she and D were together, or had been, and D was begging her to come back. I got mad, not so much at the idea of A and D being together, but that she was getting much better treatment. He was begging her!

- On another note, I remember being in a store, again very old fashioned, but I bought a pack of chips. A was there with her family and her dad had been stung by mosquitoes. Something about that was oddly dangerous.

## Tuesday, 1 December 2009

### Creature of homosexuality and coffee

So many things going on all at once... Last things first, my dad was wearing a pink girl's shirt and one earring, volunteering to go get something for my sister, who was too lazy to. I was mad at her for waking up screaming, blaming us for making so much noise and then being too lazy to go do whatever my dad was going to do for her. I wouldn't let my dad go like that, so it fell on me to volunteer instead. Jack McFarland (from Will & Grace) tried to talk some of the mad out of me.

In no particular order now, I remember being in some sort of ship with A and people from school, as well as some people from university (Flower Guy among them). They were in little groups, talking. Before this "peace" some soldiers wanted to pack us all into containers for some reason or other. Some agreed it was ok, I didn't. I got the little group Flower Guy was in in an uproar by saying something they didn't agree with as a whole, but then arguing amongst themselves they disagreed with each other too. In another group a girl was discussing baby names. A and I left to go get some coffee. For some reason, she went and bought it for me, but it was black and I needed some cream and sugar to go with it, so I jumped from the side to get to the first floor, where the coffee shop was, avoiding ice cold water underneath the building. The lady attending told me where the cream substitute was, and that I could only take two little packages. I was wearing short black shorts and a white spaghetti strap shirt that would've been very revealing if I'd gotten wet.

Somewhere in a dungeon, I chased an odd creature through a half opened door. It looked a bit like Roger, from American Dad, but from real life, and he had no head, but a contraption with wings on it instead. I somehow knew it was the creature that represented homosexuality. Very bizarre.

Hanging from a tree among limestone mountains, I knew (whether because I knew and I was talking about it or because someone was telling me, I can't remember) about a werewolf who became a vampire, or was it the other way round? Something odd about such conflicting creatures becoming one another.

On another dream, I was with E and C, who study pure chemistry, and we were taking a chemistry test online. One of them (E, I think) got a password to change the scheduled time to take it, but the woman babysitting us blamed me for it and got very mad. In the end, I was the only one taking the test, which I couldn't stop taking, as it was timed. I don't know how I did, though.

## Monday, 30 November 2009

### Getting a friend back

In last night's dream, an aunt of EBF's offered to take him on a trip to Argentina, or someplace else. An equivalent of his going away for 6 months before. I thought he'd never go, because of N2. I think I found out about this merely by chance. The thing about this journey of his was, something about going away got him thinking and, though I can't quite remember the exact line of thinking or his conclusion, it seemed in the end that he wanted things between us to go back to the way they once were. Just for the record, I really don't expect anything of the sort. I've long given up on any sort of change in the way things are with him. It's not exactly the way I want things to be, but I figure I've done as much as I could and would to get things to be alright again. It's not a "the ball's in his court" thing, it's more of a "never mind" thing.

Fun fact: we talked while we were in a supermarket, shopping, and I remember distinctly grabbing a black crusted baguette. It's an interesting idea.

Someplace else and somewhat before/later (?) I talked to 5. He asked something about class, and I somehow got him engaged in conversation. I remember thinking of what to say next, to keep him interested, and I remember wanting to bring up "Rayuela". Come to think of it, we were actually in my house, when we were talking. I don't think the conversation got anywhere, though.

I also remember being at the window of a little shop. Looked old, lots of handcrafted figures, very latinamerican, though I can't tell if specifically local. It smelled old in a nice, nostalgic way. The way old chairs made with wood and leather over 100 years ago smell. There were several of us (can't recall who, but my sister was one of us), and we were trying to buy or fix something. I ended up making little blobs of coloured gels (bright orange, silver glitter) and cutting them into tiny squares to place on something that looked a bit like a rubik cube. My sister was helping me out with this, resilliently. It was somehow important, so I kept nagging her about it.

Yet in another dream, I was in a huge room that had a mattress/quilt over it, for gymnastics. I walked in with a girl I was sort of counting on as a friend of sorts, but when we were asked to get into pairs in less than a minute I found myself at the back of the room, pairless. We were exercising, I think. We were asked to jump in a strange way that made us twist our hips mid-air. Someone rich and famous volunteered to buy more comfortable mattresses to jump on, but only for himself and then to be given away (as if it were disposable) after no more than 5 uses.

Thinking on it, it makes some sense that EBF and I would be good friends again because of him leaving. It was him leaving (I think) that got things screwed up between us in the first place. In real life, though, I couldn't expect him to feel the way I feel, leave alone pinpoint his leaving as what got things weird, when he wouldn't admit to them being weird at all when I tried to mention that fact.

## Sunday, 29 November 2009

### That's what I get

I'm a shameless stalker. Last night I had a dream where I talked to D's last girlfriend (by my knowledge), and she ended up telling me all about their relationship and how she was trying to win him back. She said they'd broken up because he got mad at her for getting involved with some other guy. Not exactly cheating, and I can't remember if she said just how involved they were, it sounded like she did it out of pity for him. At any rate, D got mad and dumped her. That was supposed to have taken place 2 years ago and now she had a hairdresser (the Zar) and a make-up artist around university to get her looking gorgeous as often as she needed it, which added up to getting highlights 4 times a week and fixing her make-up at least 3 times a day. I lost track of her story because at some point I started floating, which made me move at a much slower pace than hers, and I couldn't get myself to go any faster, so I couldn't go on listening to her story. It was more evil and womanly than I usually allow myself to be, to talk to her like that and get her to tell me all about her and D. Even more so because she never knew I'd been D's girlfriend too, leave alone know what I knew from stalking him.

Also in that dream, before I ended up following her and then talking to her, I was in the library, which had ovens (I know, WTF?) baking cookies and muffins. D was there, in my "team" (I don't know why we were in teams) and he sort of screwed up and stretched out the dough too thick, so what should have been cookies came out as muffins. It tasted good all the same. Nothing much of interest there.

In another dream, I made complex valued cookies, or packed the ingredients for some. I could do the math in my head, depending on where the circles were centered and add the ingredients accordingly. It made a lot of sense in the dream, I can't help but think it was weird now.

In yet another dream, something was going on in a jungle. I remember monkeys, odd herbs, a woman who'd made curry with very specific ginger (though it looked like tiny asian eggplant), and lots of different herbs I'd never heard of. In the jungle, there were monkeys, and possibly pandas, who lived in a socialistic community. Their houses were spherical nests which stood among tree branches.

## Saturday, 28 November 2009

### He came back

I had a dream where 3 came back. I was home, with a couple of friends and, oddly, 5, and he just arrived. He rang, and my sister came in screaming something about maths, really freaked out, saying I'm the one who was supposed to answer. I was surprised by the fact that he'd found out where I live to show up. It didn't strike me as a sign of being stalked, though, it was strangely sweet. I'm not sure whether it's here or at some other point, when after an analysis lecture he came into the classroom and I deliberately took longer to get out, when I talked to him. When we talked, it was slightly uncomfortable, but bearably so. In a way, it was very relieving. He mentioned my e-mails, and said he was sorry he hadn't written back, that he hoped I was doing ok. I told him I'd decided not to take the test now, and that I'd instead take it next semester. I said I could really use his help to study. He answered with a huge smile and the promise to help me out. The last I can remember is we were in a studying room in university, and we both deliberately encrypted messages to one another in the notes we were writing down.

## Friday, 27 November 2009

### Soundtracks

All day yesterday and most of today: "We are golden" - Mika

Last night's dream, whatever it was: "Strong enough" - Cher

## Thursday, 26 November 2009

### Having lunch with an english teacher

I was in a restaurant with A, a friend of hers from school, D (or I, as she'd have it now), and an English teacher from the last school I was in. A was drunk, I've never seen her drunk. I can't remember anything else.

## Wednesday, 25 November 2009

### Suitors

Official:
(in chronological order)

M1: As mentioned before, he's a nice guy who told me he liked me, twice, years too late. Then again I would've only taken him seriously at a time when I couldn't possibly take him seriously.

R1: Also mentioned before, great guy, I wish I hadn't hated him.

D: I'm doubtful about this one. But he was my boyfriend, so... I suppose I might as well.

F: Bipolar. No, seriously. He said so himself. He started off with cheesy pick up lines, saying I looked like I came from a city I don't, because I'm so beautiful, and that I looked like a gymnast (I know, WTF?). After we'd talked a couple of times (and I mean just that, a couple), he told me he's bipolar, and explained the fact that he's a socialist through being bipolar. I tried to talk him out of it, I tried to tell him some other girl in the class might be interested in him, but it was inevitable. He said I drove him crazy. Blocked and deleted him. Never talked to him since, but when he sees me around, he looks at me as if he wanted to kill me. Scary.

Might as well be official:
(also in chronological order)

P: A year or so younger, maybe 2. I told him about the dream with the coral reefs that stood above sea level, and he decided to make a picture of it. Two, actually. A first picture in water colours, and then an oilpainting. He gave me both, and kept a picture of the water colour version as a display picture in messenger. It didn't make me like him any less, but I might as well add that the pictures didn't quite correspond to what I had in mind. The colours were off, they should have been more Final Fantasy like, something like the ones in the scene where Yuna performed the Sending of the people in Kilika.

M2: (I'm using the same abbreviation, because it's oddly the same name on another person) I suspect he's bipolar, or in some other way troubled. The way he was so needy, and how I found myself making excuses for taking more than 5min to answer his messages online, and hating his calls at odd times at night to tell me he was bored and wouldn't bother do anything to get out of that state. What bothered me the most is that he seemed to treat me as if I were his girlfriend, which I wasnt. It all ended when he asked me out for ice cream and I said I was busy but I'd get back to him. He got the message.

JP: We went to school together. Some time after graduating, he dropped a line in my facebook wall. I talked to EBF and he said JP had said something about me being like a bottle of old wine, a fine acquired taste. I laughed very hard and never answered JP.

Flower guy: He's quite evidently intimidated by me. I find this annoying. We've been in the same classes for over 2 years. He only just decided to try something now. He successfully got my attention the day he got his pseudonym by walking out of class to go to the bathroom, and leaving a flower in front of me on the desk as he walked back in. Sweet, I'll admit, and it got me thinking about him, which is why the technique was actually effective. I didn't, don't and won't give him a chance because there's everything else wrong. There's genes, on the one hand and personality on the other. I can't stand his smell when he's close, and I don't like the fact that he's such a wimp, that he's intimidated by me, that he's somewhat of a ball-less socialist, that he's a tid bit stupid. (I know I'm not that smart myself, so I'm not supposed to be so picky, but I somehow prefer men who're in some way superior, and brains is a good way to go).

Not quite sure:
(in no particular order)

Dx: He asked if I had a boyfriend and was surprised when I said I didn't. He said someone as attractive and smart as myself was bound to have boyfriend. He was quite insistent on talking for a while, but it wore off. [edit January 2010: he might've just been kidding, but I'm afraid he wasn't, lookup "Good Lord..." entry]

3: It was the e-mails that made me suspicious, he was a bit over the top friendly, even if I factor out my social awkwardness. Whether or not he's the one who made me join twitter is uncertain. If it was him, then it could mean he held on to my e-mail address longer than I would have expected him to. He's smart, which is a big plus, he's childish, which makes him interesting, and he doesn't smell very nice, which makes him genetically incompatible. I'm willing to overlook that, though, as he'd otherwise be great.

R2: He's been in class with me before, too. He stared at me and made me uncomfortable. He was also intimidated by me, and talking to me took a great effort. I had a dream once where he said something very sweet about an iron glove (don't know how an iron glove's supposed to be sweet, but he made it sweet), and I let him kiss me. He smells alright. He's smart, but short, which seems to be a problem for me on some level.

eek linear algebra: There is no better name for this one, I found him repulsive. He had a cold for over 3 months, and always seemed to be breathing snot. He crossed a couple of thin lines asking me for help with linear algebra, and a major line when he touched my leg asking me not to stop explaining whatever I was trying to explain, begging me not to go for the love of God.

J2: I can't be sure about him, really, but for a while during the last vacations he became very insistent on talking to me as much as possible. He's an incredibly nice, sweet guy, and in his own close and simple minded way, smart. The fact that he seems quite unable to think out of the box, and that he kept looping back to the same conversations with the same arguments got me bored and sick of him. Otherwise, my tolerance to him wasn't very high to begin with, I grow sick of him quite quickly when we're together.

Worth mentioning:
L, RS: both asked me to remember them and buy them candy. I bothered with RS, not knowing anything else might be behind it. I got suspicious with L and never bothered. What's that all about, anyway?

### Still hormone-crazed, apparently

I had to remind myself of this, and I can't actually remember the dream, but I told myself to remember having drawn penises. Many of them. How very childish of me... And to think I've never done such a thing in real life. I may be reading too much CRACKED.com, because I do remember dreaming there was a party, though I didn't manage to go. I'd forgotten about two exams, which, luckily, an aunt was (in a "Mona Lisa Smile" kind of way, eek!) in charge of both, so I could just ask her to let me take the tests. I didn't manage to, though, I went to her shop and helped out with some thing or other, she wanted me to stay and take the test right away, I said I couldn't. My uncle was driving the car with my cousin in the parking lot. The party was to take place somewhere in a building with a grey glass façade, and the address had a repeated 58 in it.

... I think there's a time limit to just how long I'm "allowed" to remember a dream. I was typing and I suddenly couldn't make any sense of what I was typing, couldn't remember any of it. I'll have to figure out a way to go on remembering them, at least long enough to write them down in full.

Also, I don't know if I should find it odd to have dreamed of drawing penises, but I think I could've seen it coming, what with dreaming of giving a blow job to an unknown penis (definitely not D's, and I don't know any others so...). That was disturbing.

## Tuesday, 24 November 2009

### I think I'm hormone crazed...

I was on the bus this morning, and a guy sat next to me. He goes to the same university as me, I could tell because of the conversation he held with his friend, involving Fourier Series and sine and cosine waves. Based on the way they spoke, I'd guess they're studying maths, too, or maybe physics.

At any rate, what surprised me about this whole event is, the guy who sat next to me, somewhat on the chubby side, bland looking and not all that masculine or overall attractive, and more specifically, my reaction to him. Being even more specific, I found myself sniffing him, liking his smell, and imagining kissing him. I hadn't taken a very close look, but it seemed to me that he had such soft, plump (yet not overdone) lips. It seemed that it would taste so sweet, if I kissed him. About 10min before we arrived he got a call from what I figure must have been his girlfriend, which brought me to the realisation that I was 1) fantasising about a stranger on the bus, 2) fantasising about someone I wouldn't regularly like, and wasn't (come to think of it) all that likeable, 3) such a pathetic loser.

To think he has a girlfriend and I've no one! The thought does torture me, sometimes. It's just that today, though it's been building up, I just really need to get laid. I need human contact: a kiss, a hug, holding hands. Of course, there's no list of candidates, and I don't think I'll just take the first guy who comes along (or I'd be giving FlowerGuy some serious thought, and I'm still finding him very unpleasant to be close to, leave alone bond with in any way). After all, it's been over 3 (maybe even 4) years since I last did so much as kiss someone. To think even I need some physical contact, once in a couple of years. I just can't think of how I'm ever to get any.

## Monday, 23 November 2009

### Phobias

According to Criminal Minds, if it's in any way a good reference, the word phobia is outdated, but I know no better term so I'm using it regardless.

Here's a list of things I've been (and am) afraid of:

1) Men. I don't know if it was only adults, or even if there was a more particular kind. I don't actually remember ever being afraid of men, but my mum told me I was terrified by them when I was little, she even though I might have been molested. If this was the case, I really don't recall any of it ever happening.

2) Dark, empty living rooms. Give me the chills. Always have. Probably always will, until I figure out why they do. It would seem that larger emptier living rooms become scarier.

3) Drunk men. I don't know if this is in any way related to 1), but I'm pretty sure my dad might have had something to do with that. He's scary when he gets angry, and he's easily upset when he's drunk so... D scared me when he called drunk once. I think he was drunk, at any rate, he said he wasn't... he kept saying he loved me very much. I don't know if that could have been what scared me, but I don't think it was.

4) Death. It scared me, for a short while ( I mean it, short as in no more than 2 hours). I was little, and while I sat in the school bus or some other vehicle on a trip, I remember starting to think that one day I'd have to die, and I even started crying. It only strikes me now as odd, that being less than 5 years old I was already thinking of such matters. It's not odd, however, that it now sounds stupid, and that death seems more often than not like a good way out of a lot of problems.

### Grey's anatomy

Last night, part of the university I go to had become a hotel, Dr. Calliope Torres and Dr. Arizona Robins were there. I talked to Callie (sp?), and I remember we took coffee somewhere, and she put at least 3 teaspoons of sugar in hers. Before that we were with the hotel manager, who pointed out 3 things:
1) Apparently there were a lot of people working in the hotel, and whenever a task was given, as many people as possible tried to get involved so they could all get some money from it. As this was an obviously very innefficient way to work, the manager said no more than one person should work when one person could do the job.
2) Callie was to take some whitening tooth paste, she was given tons of it. She complained, but I told her I was already used to people everywhere looking as good as they did in the show, and that she'd better help keep those looks up.
3) Something else to do with 1)... Can't quite remember. It seemed to make a lot of sense, made service very efficient.

On another note, I remember going to class again with the professor who taught me Linear Algebra II. He was trying to become a musician, and his professor went to test him. He was a terrible pianist, and he gave very lousy explanations as to why he'd chosen one song or other. He was particularly bad at being fluid as he played.

## Sunday, 22 November 2009

### First Impressions - trying divination and physiognomy

R1: He seems to be the easiest. He'll marry a beautiful woman, he'll have children with her and he'll be a terrific father. His work will matter little, meaning he'll work to have a family to go back to and have a great time with, rather than work only to get away from his family for a while. His life will most likely be a happy one. I do get the feeling, though, that he'll never be loved as much has he loves. He's one of those people who love too intensely, and I can't quite see him with someone who could honestly love him as much, whatever they may show. That aside, I can't quite see much else happening in his life.

3: He'll be a great dad, too, someday, in a geeky way. Of course married. I can't quite picture his wife, though. Must be sweet, must be smart. They might have a dog. He'll be dedicated to teaching. On another note, something tells me he's fond of caressing a girl's neck and face as he kisses her. I think to some extent he's still childish, a teenager in his mid twenties. It's sweet. I don't suppose he'll ever grow out of it. It would be interesting to find out what he'll turn out to be like.IWwonder if you're reading this. Do you actually like me?

5: I just know he read "Rayuela". He dreams of having a French girl, somewhat like the one played by Julie Delpy in that film by Richard Linklater. A French girl like that, however, would never really love him. All his casanova mannerisms were learnt. He was at some point a very dark teenager. Something happened before he tried to become Horacio, before he learned all his casanova mannerisms, before he decided to appear happier. I can't help but wonder what that was. I'm quite sure he wouldn't hesitate to cheat on me if we were together and he were given the chance.

FlowerGuy: A loyal friend, socialistic, only lacking balls to really stand up for his beliefs or really understand them. Likes to get drunk on cheap drinks. Enjoys violent dancing to horrible rock music. Easily angered. Slightly chauvinistic, though he doesn't know it yet. He hasn't yet fully become an adult, and I don't actually believe him capable of falling in love. He's only infatuated for longer-than-average periods of time, and he's been infatuated before, only I don't think he's done much to try to make such feelings explicit. A sore loser, he would be less than pleased with honesty if it meant he couldn't have his way, I'd expect him to be angry, rather than sad, when rejected.

I'll try to make this list longer, some other time. I can't bring myself to think I know anyone not listed here already.

## Saturday, 21 November 2009

### When I lived in an island of mangos... / epiphany

Back then the apartment I lived in had the kitchen door immediately next (and perpendicular) to the guests' bathroom door. I had a dream once about walking as if I were going into the kitchen to find there was a door in between those two. It lead to a new apartment, with classical old furniture, very fancy, and empty. I can't seem to remember whether or not anyone was living in this apartment, but I remember wishing I lived there.

On another note, and seeing as I didn't tell anyone, and won't, come to think of it, I figured I'd leave myself a reminder of the fact that FlowerGuy tried talking to me yesterday. The girl who usually sits next to me in class was late, I was early and so was him. As we stood in front of the classroom, waiting for students from another class to leave, the conversation went along these lines:

- Hi, how are you?
- Hi. I'm good, you?
- Did you hear me? I said "Hi, how are you?"
- I'm sorry, yes. I just said "Hi, I'm good, you?". I know I don't speak very loudly, sorry.
- Oh, I thought you hadn't heard me.

Shortly after that we got in with the professor. Oddly, there weren't many people there yet, even though some were actually close by. I sat on the other side of the classroom, in the new preferred spot to wait for the girl who sits with me to arrive. He sits across the room, and his friends weren't there either, so he walked to me to talk about the exam we'd had the day before. I found this (I find him, in general) annoying. I don't find it flattering, I don't want him to like me, I don't like the fact that he seems to like me. I know there's no future there, I wish he could know this without me having to be rude and tell him.

He's not a very good stalker, either. I think he used my name to greet me yesterday, but I can't remember. He asked my name last (?) time we talked before that. He said something about how we've been in the same classes before, but he didn't know my name yet. I know we've been in other classes together. I knew his name, and I wasn't stalking him. I know the names of some classmates, though I don't talk to any of them. I don't need to be stalking them. All it takes is paying attention to faces during roll call. If he didn't know my name, then he's a terrible stalker, and he shouldn't have let on the fact that he's been keeping track of us being in class together before. If he knew my name already, then he didn't need my permission to use it. He shouldn't have said anything. I'd rather he didn't use my name at all, but it would've been slightly less awkwardly annoying if he hadn't "asked" to be allowed to use it.

*sigh* I guess it's just the way I am. I don't like to be liked. I don't like myself all that much, I find faults everywhere. Instead of being grateful, or even flattered to find out that men like me, I feel insulted. How dare they? They don't know me. How can they possibly think they like me? I feel a bit like Aragorn telling Eowyn to stay away. Only I'm not that classy, I just avoid them as much as I can, and if it can't be helped I find some way or other to be such a bitch they won't bother anymore.

R1 tried too hard, I swear I didn't know that's why I hated him so. I still haven't apologised, I can't seem to find the right time to say the words: "Remember when some 5 years ago had a crush on me and I flipped you off? Remember how it was the first time I flipped anyone off? Remember I even used two fingers, knowing it was ruder? I am so sorry. I should've been able to realise then what I know now: I hated you because you liked me, and what's more, I should've liked you back. You are a great person, and you were (are?) perfect for me. You could've actually handled me, known me, understood me, cared about me, maybe even loved me. I can't be sorry enough, if it's any comfort for you to know, I remember being a bitch and I wish I hadn't. I wish I'd been able to see then what I do now. I wish I hadn't pushed you away like that and that we were friends, good friends. I'm afraid I couldn't have liked you, even if I'd known all of this, which is why I can't be sure it's any good to say any of this now. Saying I'm sorry doesn't make any of it right, or me any less sorry."

He wasn't the first, either. I realised this not long ago, when I per chance remembered being 5. My list of crushes goes like this (exactly, that's how short it is):
M1: had blue eyes, I was 5 and somehow pictured him as some kind of blue prince, didn't last more than 2 weeks.
J1: was tall, I was still 5, and I was tall too so I figured I was supposed to be with tall men. (Funny how the name is repeated).
S2: good looking, I thought it was love at first sight, and made myself obsess about him for years... I must've been 8 or 9
D: most intriguing... my friends teased me and said I should be with him, before I got to care about him. I must've been 13 or 14. Long story short, I started liking him, and then loving him, for no apparent reason. I still don't understand any of it, I can only try to explain it as narcissism and the fact that he also has brown hair and green eyes. I can't explain why I like his voice so, or the way he could predict me, or his childish, playful, goofy, slightly kinky nature.
ABSOLUTELY NO ONE EVER SINCE! (pathetic)

Leaving aside the fact that I couldn't keep myself from rambling about D, I wanted to point out the fact that M1 had a crush on me. I figure it must've lasted two years or so, as he confessed twice to it the year before. He was a great guy (he's probably still a great guy). He sat next to me all the time, and I just found him annoying. That's where the pattern started, I should've realised this then, or sometime later. I should've been able to put the pieces together before I was a bitch to R1. Das macht nichts. I'm still a bitch to men who like me.

I'm still trying to figure out what it is that gets me to like men. As the list above shows, there are no readily apparent reasons for me to have fallen in love with D. I can reason with myself, and tell myself who'd be good for me, and why (just like I can recognise the scent of the right genes, I can recognise the right character, and the right features). I just haven't succeeded in liking anyone who seems "right". (see silly list under "rankings" somewhere else in the blog)

I have these tiny scabs in my head. When I'm stressed out, I scratch them. In a dream last night, when I scratched them I was actually "scratching out" the head of roaches, which were then free to roam around. Disgusting. But also, they loooked as if they were made out of plastic, and my dad pointed out that they weren't regular roaches either, they were some other kind.

## Friday, 20 November 2009

### Name

I changed the blog's name. Not that anyone would know, or care. I just thought I'd leave myself a note about it. Its name used to be "A dream blog/bank". It's no longer restricted to just dreams, and it's not exactly a blog, or a log, or a bank, as I can't bring myself to remember even what I dreamed last night. So, referring to the more general purpose of having written any of this down at all, I've called it "My brain rizoma," as it's me trying to untangle my brain, wherever it branches off to, to see if I can understand myself.

### Just so I don't forget...

I meant to write down this tid bit of information, not because it's particularly important, but because it makes my life seem remotely like a hollywood film. It's remotely fractal -like in nature, actually.

When I was little (no older than 4-5) I had a playdate of sorts, my mom had a friend who gave birth around the time when I was born, so he and I were "meant to play(be?) together". I can't remember if he went to the same school as me, but I can remember he was always home, at least once stole one of my toys, argued with me over who'd get the one red plastic cup (which would in the end always be him, because he was the guest, I was explained by my nanny), and overall spent (I think now) probably too much time around. I remember that at least once he suggested we play naked, waist down, for no good reason (and back then, for the record, I made nothing of it, but at one point suggested, and I don't know if I should blame some instinct, that he put his penis in me... I know. WTF?) Again, tid bits of useless information, but I seem to remember them anyway. I don't suppose anyone will read this, so in particular there's just no way he'll know I remember all of this nonsense.

He used to brag about having lots of girlfriends, all of which identified themselves with different Disney princesses. I'm now having doubts as to whether I chose Belle because she's the only one that wasn't taken, or if I wanted Belle all along and had to stick to Snowhite instead. Unless I talk to him, and he happens to remember and tell me (none of which will happen), there's no way of knowing. The point being that I made myself into Belle.

As I grew up I noticed how she's the nerdy princess, she reads books, she reads into people and is defined by that more than she is by her looks. At least that's the way I see her. Not like silly little Ariel, willing to die just to have a go at some prince who might as well be any idiot from the outside world, Cinderella, who's only merit was having a fairy godmother, Aurora who did nothing but sing in the forest once, Snowhite, who lived with dwarves and worked as a house maid, or Jasmine, too stupid to want anything reasonable out of her life. Belle read books (and the fractal part comes in, if you will, when she sings she won't know prince charming until chapter 3, which sort of speaks of her not realizing the Beast was a prince until the end of the film, an Act 3 of sorts?). She could tell the Beast wasn't as bad as he looked.

I sort of do that. With most people, I can somehow tell what they're really like, regardless of what others see in them, and I can even make out a little of what they've been or what they'll be. I'm not usually wrong about these first impressions, which explains why I'm so set on never liking people I don't like immediately. It happened with EBF. I wish I could say it happened with D. I could never read him, though he was uncannily good at knowing what I was thinking and even what I was about to do more than once in Rue Morgue moments.

It makes me wonder, though, what a modern, me-like Belle would be like these days. Would she fall for someone regarded a beast on account of looks, attitude, violence? Is a modern Belle likely to be abused, thinking she can prince-fy the beast out of him? That seems to be the most reasonable outcome, if you stick to a Disney tradition of stupid princesses.

I won't be meeting any prince, charming or else, anytime soon, And I don't know if the creeps that have fallen for me can be considered beasts. Am I supposed to fall for one of them?

## Thursday, 19 November 2009

### Not intended to make any sense at all

It would seem years (how pathetic!) of being unable to so much as picture myself with someone have resulted in hormone-fueled madness. I'm too rational, too socially awkward and too sure none of the following would actually work to try anything, but just for the sake of it, and just for fun, I made this silly (and completely made up, mind you) list:

(Note to self: names are no good here, so I'll stick to chronological order)

[August 13th, 2011 edit]
It would seem new contenders need to be entered, find them in italics.

[November 20th, 2011 edit]
Given the more recent turn of events I figured a few minor changes were due. Now bold.

[December 2nd, 2013 edit]
Silly me. I'll cross a few things out now, if you don't mind.

Smell: 1, 2, LesMisGuy (SmTn?)
Good looks: 1, 2, 4 (in a strange way), LesMisGuy, SmTn
Sweetness: 1*, 2, 3, LesMisGuy, SmTn, SmTn, and... did I mention SmTn?
Personality - brains: 2, 3, 4, 5, LesMisGuy, SmTn
Personality - nonsense: 3, 4 (maybe), LesMisGuy, SmTn
Show: 2, 5, LesMisGuy, SmTn
Go out with: 3, 5, LesMisGuy, SmTn
Stay home with: 2, 3, 4, 5, LesMisGuy, SmTn
Charming: 1, 5, LesMisGuy
Playful: 1, 2, 3, SmTn
Sex-ey: 1 (...), LesMisGuy, SmTn
Kinky (wild guess): 1 (not so wild), 3, 4 (maybe)
Effort: 1, 3, 5 I forgot what this was supposed to be about. Can't be a measure of how badly they'd work to get to me. Can't be a measure of how hard I'd work to get to them. Could it be a measure of how hard it would be to stay with them?
Success (wildest guess so far): 1, 2, 3 (see above), SmTn, LesMisGuy
Voice: 1, 2, SmTn (bonus: Alan Rickman)
Laugh: LesMisGuy
Likely to fall in love: 3, SmTn
Could grow used to: 1, 2, 5, LesMisGuy, SmTn
Could fall in love with: 1 (pointless to point out), LesMisGuy(?)Let me weigh in, past me. No., SmTn It was inevitable, I'm afraid.
Would miss me: 2, 3, SmTn
Hold hands: 3, 4, 5, LesMisGuy, SmTn
Hug: 1, 3, 4, LesMisGuy, SmTn

Then again, of course:
Readily available (as in, hitting on me or at least appearing to): SmTn (except, you know, he has a gf)
I'd be willing to hit on: LesMisGuy, SmTn
(this includes none of the above and no one at all, actually)
I have any chances of being with: SmTn (you know, if we lived in the same country some day) I, uh... I want to say LesMisGuy too, just bear in mind that I've misplaced my mind. I'll come back to this one if anything new happens. Future me here. It didn't work out. We kissed and pretty much never had a conversation again after that. Fucking lovely, isn't it?
Make this list useful: LesMisGuy and SmTn. I realise I can do much better than 1.

So much for traffic jams and the stupid thoughts they bring me to.

I might as well point out, 1 = D.

## Wednesday, 18 November 2009

### Also last night, and somehow a recurring dream

- Speak "friend" and enter
- "Mellon"

I find myself unwilling to use the word "friend" applied to people I know. I've given up on a love life, and in general I've given up on a social life altogether. Whatever the true reasons may be, my old friends are now nothing more than acquaintances. Even my best friends. And though I feel as ridiculous as any teenage girl in some stupid american film taking place in some high school or other, I could only refer to them now as "ex best friends" only I don't feel the title does them any justice. For what it's worth, I've made myself think of them as legends, like any other good thing that's ever over, they're no more real now than dreams, and dreams feel much more real at that.

I no longer talk to any of them. I used to feel compelled to write, try to talk, or at least drop random messages, thinking I could get an answer as I would have some time ago, but I've almost drowned out all desire to do that. The fact that I got no answers when I tried or no meaningful ones the few times I did, helped. My brain has made itself so used to the fact that I no longer have friends and have no one to talk to, I now dream that I do. I find myself in dreams both chatting with them online and talking to them in person, talking about whatever is going on in my life at present.

For instance, last night I had a dream where I was at a restaurant with EBF, telling him how it sucks that I have an exam every day for four days, and then final exams starting just 2 days after that. I wouldn't dream of telling him about it now (pun intended), mostly out of fear of indifference. I know it doesn't matter anymore, if it was my fault there's nothing I can do now to fix things, so screw it, screw him, and screw everyone I'm not getting screwed and I'm ok with it. It makes absolutely no difference, or in German (which seems in context more appropriate) das macht nichts.

Not the first time, either. It's happened before, and I'm sure it will happen again, so long as I can't get rid of the need to talk to someone, just like I can't quite get D out of my brain and I can't talk or dream myself into giving in completely to the idea of {me}.

Just needed to rant about it, get it out of my system. I figure this has somehow become a pensieve, only memories here are often hazy and mistaken and I won't bother straightening them out any more than I will trying to straighten out my life. I am, however, ironing out my brain, trying to make it cover a football field so I can scritinise it. I can only amuse myself by writing and reading my thoughts, materializing them in an abstract, virtual way, knowing they could be read, knowing they won't.

### Fake memories

I haven't a clue why at all, I have no idea why I have so many, and I can only guess at the reasons why:

No. 1:
Looking out a window with my mum by my side, who was pointing at Santa's sleigh, flying in the sky, which is to an extent odd because this happened in broad daylight, almost no clouds in the sky.

No. 2:
Fairies in tree tops in front of a very old house in Manizales, I remember tiny silhouettes, carrying lights in their hands. I remember thinking I had to be mistaking the lights for fireflies until I saw one of them cross from a tree to the other. The sun was only just starting to set.

No. 3:
I wonder if there's a pattern here: also when the sun was setting, I remember walking into my parents' bedroom, and finding a black fawn sleeping on the bed, which had a blue quilt with little white circles. Scary, couldn't help but think of the devil, as in the story of the Ice Queen.

No. 4:
Floating in mid air in a corner in my room, with my legs crossed. I signaled my nanny to look, and to make note so I could tell my parents later. When I tried to ask her to remember she discarded it as nonsense.

No. 5:
In pre-school, in the woods, I found the entrance to a leprechaun's home underground, by rainbow ladder's end. It might've been a genie, or a gnome, but it was not a smurf and it was a small mythical creature, smaller than a dwarf (and at the time, than a 3-4 year old child, me). I remember chatting with him, but I can't remember anything said.

No. 6:
A Quidditch game advert in one of those Times Square-like banner, of the kind where the text "moves" as the lightbulbs switch on and off in succession. On the same note, before I even knew Ginny and Harry would end up together (look for related dream about Gandalf), I seem to remember both of them all grown up, with Mrs. Weasley in a queue to some amusement park attraction. Far fetched, I know.

I had a dream last night, that my uncle had shut down his practice and my dad's only job was showing it around to see if someone else would buy it. Other than that, all I can remember is waking up particularly early to bake cookies and choosing a pan instead of the oven to cook them. Odd.

## Sunday, 15 November 2009

### Maths related?

Lots going on last night. Some form of a math club, me being stubborn trying to help some guy out, hanging out with other mathematicians I never hang out with and being asked to keep an eye on a girl who seemed to be something of a sociopath. Blonde, long wavy hair, black glasses, not too tall. Also, I joined the university chorus, and in a meeting only 3 girls attended I was asked to practice playing the piano next time. I then discussed being in the chorus without wasting credits with the professor. In another dream, possibly, lots of aliens, and some very strong ones coming into a space ship of sorts freaking out everyone else. Huge, rock-like aliens. I seem to have forgotten everything else so... yeah, that's it.

## Saturday, 14 November 2009

I can't remember much about these, other than the fact that they're randomly generated:

Random No. 1: I was in a fortress that was somehow my kitchen, because you could see out narrow windows designed to shoot without getting shot, with Beetlejuice jumping all over the place, making tiles glow in different colours as he went along.

Random No. 2: A talking fly the size of a cat with a red wig and a fang in a necklace talked to me, though I can't remember any of what he said. He must've been a shaman of some sort.

Random No. 3: (night before last) Someone told me that a professor I once had in university died. Precisely, his death was made public sometime around 3am. There were different events scheduled to mourn him, but people weren't allowed to cry in any of them. I wanted to cry and actually did, I think.

Random No. 4: Walking down a wooden staircase that spiraled down, I reached Elrond dressed in grey robes and a bright yellow plastic belt, telling me not to let the group break up (back then, it must have referred to a group of about 8-9 girls, which sort of broke up because of me, after I had this dream). It was important to Elrond, for some reason.

Random No. 5: My dog jumped off a tall building. I tried to signal her not to, but she seemed to understand I wanted her with me and jumped anyway, of course killing herself. I woke up crying.

Random No. 6: There was the sea at sunset, and a path made of coral reef that stood out of the water, with fish ocassionaly swimming in mid-air, oddly shaped crystals hung about an imaginary axis on each piece of reef, and huge shells, though very frail, open also on all of them. Some people from my family and me had to walk on these, but the shells broke and cut our feet, so my mom carried me.

Random No. 7: I was with my dad in a Final Fantasy XII temple of sorts, and we found a door that led to a teleport stone, out of the map.

Random No. 8: Standing near mangroves in the sea at sunset, I was with an old lady, some priestess of sorts, and she made me sing the Hymn of the Fayth. My hands glowed, as if ointed with light, when I did. I almost remember my fingers still sparkling when I woke up.

Random No. 9: In a wood cabin, someplace cold, I met Galo, I think. I might have seen him in another dream where he put his arm around me as we walked around univeristy. Thin but not puny, tall, strong arms.

Random No. 10: A bear in a tortoise's shell, swimming in the sea (even though it's turtles who live in the sea, I know).

Random No. 11: My aunt came back from the US, she'd just gotten a haircut and was wearing a liliac sweater. Possibly sometime next year. [edit January 2010: my parents tell me she is coming to visit sometime soon]

Random No. 12: Chatting with my dead grandma, sitting on my parents' bed.

Random No. 13: In the place where soldiers train, along the 7th avenue, I ran into a guy who used to teach me maths. He was gay in my dream, I found out through facebook. Got me strangely interested, though. I think it's him that sent in an invitation to be followed in Twitter, less than a week later. For the record, I decided to make myself followable. I started to keep track of my ideas, and it got me started on this thought-diary of sorts.

Random No. 14: A guy I've sometimes been in class with (R2) said something about an iron glove, some metaphor I found very sweet in the dream. He kissed me, just a peck. I let him.

Random No. 15: A cat with its brains out, flashy red and green brain, had to be killed with a strange tool.

Random No. 16: Flying in P.E. class in my old school. A natural.

Random No. 17: Running down flights of stairs, starting to take 2 and more steps in each stride, eventeually gliding.

Random No. 18: I was Merlin's lover. Whether that made me Nimue, the Lady of the Lake, or someone else, I don't know.

Random No. 19: Video game-like... Imrahil shows up on screen, in front of limestone mountains. I walk through a white tunnel and had a semi-lucid moment wishing for a ladder to run away from whatever I was running away from. Imrahil is mentioned maybe once or twice in TLOTR.

Random No. 20: Zelda - Ocarina of Time. I remember being in a place that looked like it might be a Fairy Fountain. It was all blue, though, with tiles, and a monster fell from the ceiling. Also, riding through Hyrule.

Random No. 21: FlowerGuy kissed me. Very awkward. I just wished he hadn't, I wasn't even flattered.

Random No. 22: Decaptitating bus. Children sat down, and eventually something fell from the ceiling and decapitated them. Sickening idea.

Random No. 23: Kissed a teacher (Q) in a very awkward position, in a bus to a town, possibly with classmates in the bus. Awkward. Related to another dream where I held hands with said teacher, standing in front of a bar, and he left saying he needed a condom.

Random No. 24: Raped by black man in front of grocery store.

Random No. 25: D had blue hair and pimples. Looked very worried.

Random No. 26: Getting A a dog. Mexican setting, colourful ponchos.

Random No. 27: Paco is one proud dog. He was in contests, and apparently won them.

Random No. 28: Daniel Radcliffe in the back of a car I was also in. We chatted briefly. Random No. 29: Pocahontas eaten by John Smith and others. I could taste her, tasted like vomit. Again, sickening.

Random No. 31: Was a soldier in Napoleon's army. Something important about an oddly shaped coin. Descended to underworld and stood in a pool that was constantly being filled with blood, spoke with gods in different colours. Black armor allowing coloured light out.

Random No. 32: Was Gandalf or someone similar. Warned of a war that was coming. Children in school.

Random No. 33: Madonna's birthday in my grandmother's house. Flowers on the walls.

Random No. 34: Trip to a restaurant about an hour away. Non existent. Nice. Costeños, food, drinks. Can't remember doing anything. Might've written something else about it, will update.

Random No. 35: In the least sexual way possible, EBF [edit, originally just L] was naked on a bed, passed out. His penis was stuffed in a wiener, which I suppose may be my very own dream censorship. I just remember needing to get him out, help him somehow.

Random No. 36: I ate blue ice cream and it tasted blue. Very mild flavour, sweet (of course), scented slightly like flowers, only it didn't taste like anything I've ever eaten, velvety, slightly dry.

Random No. 37: I swam through space and came across a blue planet. I touched it, and it felt like thoughts in pensieve must, solid gas, if possible.

### A house full of men... and ramblings

I had a dream once, before I first had a boyfriend (really, the only boyfriend I've ever had), before I even had my first kiss (cliché!). In this dream I was in a dimly lit house full of men (hence the title). For some reason I can't explain (by anything other than the raging Lisa Simpson in that episode where Lisa looks into herself and won't let her libido out until she's 16 or something), I French-kissed every single men I came across. Every single one, for no good reason. I saw them, and once I was close enough I just kissed them. Every single one of those kisses was "cold", though. I couldn't really feel much, other than the mouth to mouth contact.

Somewhere in the back was D. (I don't suppose it's you reading this now, and if it is... well, I don't see how it could make any difference). But I didn't try to kiss him like I had every other guy before. The reaction with the others was immediate, and with him I could remember standing there, contemplating, if only for a split second. Now, I can't really remember, and I want to remember it was him who leaned in, but then we kissed. Just a peck: the slightest, sweetest, warmest kiss I can imagine. And if it didn't make me know then and there that I was in love with him, something I realised at a party someplace else, sometime around a 2nd of November, it must have at least confirmed it. I can't remember which went first, dream or party, but it was a strange sort of certainty.

Also on D, I had a dream where my mom drove me to the cinema. We went in, a teacher from school was mopping the floor, and then got in a line. D was there, and my mom may or may not have tried to imply something about us being together.

As I remember these dreams now, along with everything else, I'm slightly amazed. Here's why: the day I became D's girlfriend for the first time (can't really make up my mind on whether that's accurate information, I've almost completely convinced myself that I was never really his girlfriend) I went to the cinema. My mom drove me there. My friends had set me up so I'd be alone with D, and he was already there. Everything a very clumsily stupid me did and remembers from that day is little more than a blurr of not knowing what to say, being stubborn wanting to pay, asking stupid questions, making stupid choices, giving stupid answers, stupid explanations and wanting nothing but to somehow avoid what was ultimately inevitable and I still think is unbelievable.

I was D's girlfriend three times, in my count, possibly none in any real count. The first time, though, not all that long after the dreams (I hadn't moved to another city yet, and neither had he), it seemed to me that every kiss was like that peck in the dream. So unspeakably sweet and warm, so irresistibly intoxicating. Ever kiss except the last kiss, the day he broke up with me because I didn't love him, or he couldn't tell that he did. After that, when we got back together, after he moved here and I moved here, every kiss was like those in the house full of men, like any kiss with any man other than him.

Looking back, it still hurts. Looking back, it still puzzles me. Looking back, I've been trying to convince myself that none of it happened, that those first kisses are as real as fake memories of gnomes and floading mid-air. When I remember them, I try to convince myself that he never loved me, that I know too much about a letter he wrote to some other girl he might have loved, and I can't remember enough about him loving me, except for him stating it (half drunk, I think, which freaked me out) on the phone. Other than kisses I'm willing to rule out as fake memories I half made up I can't be sure about anything anymore. I'd rather believe he never loved me than believe any of the things that happened in the unofficial second and third times we were together happened in spite of the fact that he ever loved me. He shouldn't have let me tell him I loved him, he shouldn't have let me believe he was using me, he shouldn't have let me believe he didn't care. Then again, maybe I wouldn't have done that, and all of those "he shouldn't" should read as "(if I were in his place) I wouldn't". I never did understand him, I still think it's unfair that he seemed to understand me.

### Oldies

I'll try to at least leave the oldest ones I remember at first, in case there's any hidden meaning in them for being so old and still in my memory.

Oldie No. 1:
Back then I used to be very afraid of animals larger than me. It's probably a very primitive instinct of self-preservation. The biggest animal I knew of (which I know know is the largest animal there actually is) is a whale. I remember back then I really wanted to go to the circus, though I didn't really know a thing about any of them. In the dream, I could only picture a small windmill with different bright colours. I was going to the circus with my family, in my dream, and we had to go through a dungeon-ey labyrinth to get there. I got lost along the way, which resulted in a new journey that included a classroom filled with characters from the Simpsons, only there were all skeletons. Eventually I got to a point where I could see the windmill I described earlier, but to get to the gate that led to it I first had to cross a pool, and there was a whale in it. I remember there was only half a roof in this "room". Under the roof were a couple of elefants. I can't remember what I did, or didn't do, but I never got to the circus. I must've been 3 or 4 when I had this dream. I was wearing a yellow skirt and a matching grey and yellow striped shirt.

Oldie No. 2:
I can only remember I dreamed of being in Switzerland, only it wasn't so much Switzerland as a sausage industry called "Suiza". Within my tiny knowledge of the world, that's all Switzerland could ever be. I can't remember much about it, except for a building, and grass. I later remember, awake, as I drove by the place with my parents, telling them I had a dream about being there. We might have actually been there, at some point. I just can't actually remember more than the dream.

Oldie No. 3:
Not exactly a dream: I remember wanting to go to sleep, and trying to shut my eyes close, to no avail: whatever I did to keep my eyes close, I could still see my room, and I could even move and go on seeing what I would if I had my eyes open. I don't know if I should classify this as a dream, a fake memory, a distorted memory or an actual memory. I suppose they can all be called dreams of sorts in my book, so a dream it is, and into the dream bank it goes.

### Harry, a race, and family

I had a couple of dreams last night, and in case there's any meaning in one of them being a repeat of another one I had some time ago, because it's a fictional story involving fictional characters, and it's the first repeated dream I remember having. In case there's any meaning, I might be able to grasp some now that I've written it down. First, on to the repeated dream:

I can't remember exactly what it was like, last time I had this dream, but I know it wasn't exactly the same as this time, except, perhaps for some details, which I find interesting. This dream involves a final battle between Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort. It starts off somewhere outside, at night. The moon shines bright, and long blades of grass sway with the wind. The battle somehow ends up inside a building, very possibly Hogwarts, very possibly in the cafeteria. When Voldermort is defeated, all that's left of him is a marble. It's very bright at first, as it floats in mid air for a while, and then it falls and bounces for a while, until Ginny Weasly takes it. It's somehow odd, because I think it's implied it's dangerous to touch this marble, but Ginny does so and isn't harmed. Immediately after this she and Harry kiss.

It's the Ginny and the marble thing I seem to remember from another dream. It strikes me as odd, that I find this version of the story easier to believe than the one that's actually in the books. It may have something to do with the fact that I had a dream once, long ago, when I was reading The Lord of The Rings. I was down to the part where Gandalf fell in the mines in Moria. I hadn't seen the film involving his return yet, and I obviously hadn't read that bit yet. I had a dream, though, where he returned. Moreover, in my dream, he'd stopped by Lothlórien and spoken with Galadriel before going back to what was left of the fellowship, which is what I found out actually happened in the books as I kept reading later.

Another dream I remember having last night, which is somehow also a repetition of another dream, but only as far as location goes. had to do with my aunt's shop in a small mall. In this particular dream, my mom and I stopped by, and the shop looked very different: at least twice as big, with lovely furniture and a new floor tiling instead of the old grey carpet. Another store had started selling children's clothes nearby, which qualified as competition. I believe this was also a factor in the other dream I had about my aunt's shop. Only the malls looked different. That time, it had several floors, it was dark and it looked cheap. This time it was a pretty mall, with lovely shop windows and good lighting.

The last dream I remember having last night involved a race, some triathlon. I was competing against two other women I don't remember knowing, and I took the first turn to run down a beach, then to a sand dune and someplace else I can't remember after that. There were mangroves, by the beach, and when the whistle was blown to start the race I somehow figured it'd be better to swim my way along the beach. After 15m or so, I freaked out, thinking I was alone in the sea, with other sea creatures. I swam back being careful not to touch anything and asked if there were any animals I should worry about, if I swam my way there. Another aunt volunteered to walk with me down the sand path among the mangroves, and I was glad she did. I remember being under a lot of sand, at some point in this dream. As if the water had somehow washed over me leaving all the sand behind, and then left... I almost couldn't stand up, because it was so heavy, and I remember being scared that I wouldn't be able to come out from under the sand. I also seem to remember being underwater, looking at what little life there was, but almost choking, wishing for a snorkel to breathe from, and thinking of sharks. Odd enough, yet it's one of my dreams so it can only be perfectly normal.